- Whatever!
(cheerful music)
- (slap) Slap these.
- Ow, careful of the sovereign.
- You have to counteract with an anti-clockwise revolution--
- So what you planning to tell them?
- Well the truth of course Daniel. They're all adults, they can handle it.
- If you say so.
- (muttering)
- Bing bong bing.
Good morning campers!
Now before we open the shop floor to the masses,
there's just a couple of items on the agenda.
Now I want you to keep up with the eye-contact initiative
as per the head office's new campaign,
make a connection, sell more confection.
And we've got a weather dependent two-for-one on either
barbecue items or umbrellas, T.B.C.
And it appears we have new neighbours in Unit 14.
- Sorry Gavin, what was that?
- Unit four is opening up.
- Opening up as what Gavin?
- Alright, alright, the rumours are true--
- Tupac's still alive.
- What! No, no.
It has been confirmed to me
that it is going to be another supermarket.
- What!
Whoa, hang on, on our patch.
- Which supermarket?
- Fingers crossed for a Morrison's.
- Margaret?
- Which supermarket Gavin?
- Well its going to be a, um, Lauda.
- [Staff] What, where, not a Lauda.
- What exactly is a Lauda.
- Its one of them dead-cheap Yugoslavian places.
- I thought it was Danish.
- But it does mean loads of fit till girls.
- Oy.
- Lauda is actually Scandinavian
for we're all going to lose our jobs.
(angry muttering and shouting)
- Alright, yes, you know, calm yourselves everyone.
Now, I will admit that we have roamed this consumer jungle
alone and now another beast has entered our domain.
- Like the Lion King?
- Yeah, yeah, bit like the Lion King Harry, yes.
- Will you be singing Hakuna Matata?
- Very unlikely, look,
I want to assure you all that if you have any queries
or questions whatsoever,
- [Staff] Yep, yes I do.
- Daniel's door is always open.
- Haven't got a door.
- Now if you'll excuse me, I have a new member of staff to induce.
- Gavin I don't have a door.
(angry muttering and shouting)
- (sighs) Thank goodness you're here.
Its going to be a bit of a baptism of H.R. fire today.
I'm afraid (laughs).
- Nothing's changed there then.
- Well, at least I've got my paper round to fall back on.
You lot are screwed.
- Guys, that simply won't be the case.
- I've heard you can get 42 lamb cutlets
for a fiver at a Lauda.
That's more lamb than you get on an actual lamb,
for a fiver.
- What a shame, what a shame.
- Look I'm disappointed too Brian,
but there's always the other Morrison's on Sanky Road,
we can always go there instead.
- Hi, can you tell me where I can find eggs?
- Chickens.
- No sorry, I mean, where in the store?
- Oh heck yeah, course you do.
Eh, to tell you truth Madame, I do not have a clue.
But here is one duvet-hogger that'll be able to tell ya.
- Are you talking about me?
- Look at him acting all innocent.
Yes, you, just because you spoon me
doesn't mean that I don't want some of the duvet too.
Thank you very much.
Honestly in the end I had to find some of his boxers
to put on, don't worry I'm not still wearing them.
Here they are.
- Charlie!
- And the eggs are?
- Unfertilized, I have very strict rules about this.
- Charlie!
They are just here madam, aisle two, sorry.
- Look you can't talk about us like that here.
- Why, in case people think you're trying to sleep your way to the top.
- No, no, because its just not professional.
We need to lay some ground rules okay.
- What like no running in the corridors. - Like no talking about work at home
and no talking about us at work.
- Okay, got it, why?
- Because otherwise, its going to be hard to resist you.
- (laughs) I did not expect you to say that.
- Shhh!
- Okay, sorry, serious face, serious face.
(bowls crashing)
- There's a few names I don't recognise.
- Oh and here's one now, Daniel you won't remember Katie.
Katie this is Daniel.
Daniel is my new Julie.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- And Katie was with us for years and then she went to--
- A New Key.
- A New Key and now she's back which is what people do.
And so she deserves no further comment
or intrusive questions about private lives, okay?
- Okay.
- New Key is nice, I used to go--
- La, la, la, lets just not dwell on New Key, okay.
- Cause I finished with my boyfriend.
- Oh, alright got you, sorry.
- Its fine, its fine, so--
- Anyway, Gavin, when you have a moment
I really need a word about Lad.
- Oh all in good time, Daniel.
- Listen Katie, I don't want to talk out of turn
only I'm really sorry about what happened with you and--
- Yeah, Kiran.
- You know, you're a pretty girl.
- Thanks.
- A few good years left in you
before that fertility window shuts.
- So, would you like to show me where my desk is?
- Ah, yes, now the truth be told, Katie,
your predecessor Andrea,
she left her position under something of a cloud.
- Oh really?
- I say a cloud, it was actually a blanket
held by two police officers.
And so, I'm afraid you won't be able to use her old desk
for quite some time.
But in the meantime,
eh voila.
- This is the beginning of the end, Margaret.
The golden age of retail is over.
We should look at getting out of this business altogether.
- If I don't have this job Brian what do I do?
- You need a back up plan.
- I suppose I'll have to go on game again.
- Sorry.
- I know its not a decent way of making a living,
and Alan's never keen till I bring the money home that is.
But my friend's daughter
brought home nearly 90 pounds the other Friday night.
- Dear lord no.
- Do you know, I'm sure I've got some of my lucky sheets in the back cupboard.
- Oh god.
- There's money to be made in Bingo, Brian, I'm telling ya.
(sighs)
- So, in general, the layout is the same.
- Ah Margaret, look who's back with us?
- Hiya Katie love, how were your weekend?
- You do know I've been gone a whole lot longer
than that don't you.
- Well was it a bank holiday?
Oh, honestly I can't keep track of them these days.
- No Margaret, I moved to New Key.
- What for a weekend?
You're daft, you should've just got a B and B.
- Well there you go,
its literally as if you've never been away.
Oh, ah (liquid splashes).
- You know, its totally, totally my fault.
- I'll go and get someone to clean it up. - Allow me--
- No, no look at you, you're covered.
- Oh, don't worry about me, its you--
(heads thumping)
(groaning)
- Oh, I'm so sorry, have you got a nosebleed.
You should really tip your head forward
if you've got a nosebleed, or is it backwards?
Oh, I can't remember (giggles).
- I'm alright, no nosebleed.
- Oh, I've got a hankie if you want one?
(laughing)
- How very kind of you, thank you darling. (laughing)
- You got yoghurt on your nose.
- Have I, I hadn't noticed.
- [Loudspeaker] Calling to aisle four for a spillage.
That's calling to aisle four for a spillage.
- I guess they're talking about us.
I better go and pay for this.
- Oh no, please, this one's on me.
I am the manager after all.
- Oh, you're the manager are you?
- Oh yes.
- (laughing) Well good to meet you,
Gavin the manager.
Guess I'll be seeing you around.
(laughing)
- Oh you be careful.
- I've got it, I've got it, I've totally got it.
Totally got it.
And I am sorry again.
- This is a store announcement.
This week only, in-house baked items are on special.
Now that's a Valco offer, you donut want to miss.
Who writes this stuff.
- So come on, give me the stories, what did he do?
- What do you mean?
- You know what I mean, Neville.
What disaster struck?
Left his passport in the taxi so he couldn't come with ya?
- No.
- Got both his legs trapped in the hotel lift?
- Shut up.
- What then?
- We had a very lovely time, thank you very much.
- Filling you in on the holiday is she?
- Yeah, I am, telling her that we had a very lovely time.
Cause that's what it was now Neville, wasn't it?
It was a very lovely time.
- Oh yes, it was, it was a very--
- Lovely time.
- It was a lovely time.
- Right, come on you lot, if we're gonna get
the answers we need, we need to stick together.
We're stronger as one unit.
- But I thought we knew everything already?
- We know nothing Harry, nothing.
- I'm just not sure I want to make a fuss Brian.
- Good god, imagine if Gandhi had said,
I'm just not sure I want to make a fuss Brian.
- What!
- I would've said to him what I'm saying to you.
I would've said, look Mahatma,
its making a fuss that gets things done around here.
The point is, we all need assurances
that we're gonna have jobs to go to this time next week.
Now are you with me, Colin, Lisa?
- Do we get paid?
- Obviously.
- Wicked.
- Hell, yeah.
- Well that's more like it, because I'm telling you now,
I won't rest until I know for certain,
that each and every one of us
has a Valco future to look forward to.
Now lets do this.
- Seeing it fly.
(banging)
- One minute.
- I've got to say Brian, big respect to you
for standing up for us all like this. [Staff] Yeah Brian.
- Especially considering you're the only one
whose job is actually safe.
- I don't follow.
- Well, Lauda's don't have a pharmacy do they?
- Really, well I didn't know that.
I did not know that.
- Hey, where'd you think you're going?
- Well there's no point going in mob-handed is there?
- Hang on, what happened to being more like Gandhi?
- Yes, but where did it actually get him in the end, eh?
(groans) oh god, good luck!
[Staff] Brian, come back.
- Well that was some pounding, what's all this?
- You're out of order Gavin.
- What for?
- Oh, I don't know.
- We're just a bit worried that Lauda's really going to make an impact.
- We need to know our job's are safe.
- I'm only ever one paycheck away from bankruptcy, again.
- Yeah, and some of us have children to feed.
I mean not me obviously.
- Right, well listen, thanks for your concern,
This is now a matter for H.R.
- Valco has absolutely no intentions
of making anybody redundant.
- [Staff] Right.
- Right, so does anybody have any questions?
- Yeah.
- Is Kieran back too then?
- No, no he's not.
- Is that cos you split up?
- Um, I mean question more about--
- So did things end ugly or did you stay good mates?
- Um, we still mates, thanks Colin.
- Real friends or just Facebook friends?
- Not really sure it matters right now. - I think it matters to poor old Kieran.
- Mm, hmm.
- You never even met him, or me.
Everything's fine, its all good, everything's fine.
- Good.
- Thanks Neville.
- So does anybody have anymore questions?
Any questions not about me and Kieran.
- Gavin, you need to see this.
- Oh well, you know, they're allowed to advertise.
- But Gavin, they're putting them everywhere.
On our windscreens, on our toilets,
I found this lot in the special dietary requirements.
- Hadran's collide.
They've infiltrated the store.
Oh,no,no, that is just not on, that's not on.
- What you gonna do?
- Well they leave me no option Daniel.
I'm gonna have to send them a very strongly worded fax.
- So basically I think that some reassurance from say
more managerial sort of level would be very beneficial--
(packet crackling and soda can popping) I'm on the phone,
- Yeah, I know, rude.
- Yeah, we're trying to get our lunch in.
- Keith, can I call you back, please, thank you.
What do you want?
- Bread and butter pudding but they don't do it on a Thursday so--
- No, what do you want from me,
because this is my office now.
(laughing)
- Look, look, look, Katie, I think its best
if we were all adults about this.
I know for a fact, that you came back here because of me.
- No I didn't.
- You said she'd say that.
- Yeah, because its true.
- Shhh, I need to say this.
This, you, us, it can never be, okay.
- Look he's tasted Nando's now,
he's not gonna bother with a kebab.
- Seriously guys, let me be very, very clear.
I did not come back here for Colin, okay.
There was a good job opportunity and I took it.
- Yeah, a job Gavin just made up for you,
cos you and him are mateys.
- Human Resources is not made up.
(laughing)
I'm in charge of staff recruitment, work-force planning
and employee satisfaction.
- Well then Katie, improve my satisfaction levels,
go on, I dare ya.
- You can't do this.
- Oh yes I can.
- I'm not wearing a hair net. - Oh yeah, you are.
- Oh and actually that beard needs something too.
Food hygiene rules are very clear.
- Oh that's amazing, you look amazing.
- Great. (laughing)
- Room for a small one.
- Nev, you know where we were this time yesterday don't ya.
- Oh, please.
- Yes, indeedy, Mathews Rest-- - Bar and Grill
- Bar and Grill.
- Linda told me all about that pool.
- Oh yes, yes, it was a, oh it was freezing.
- Ha busted like a Bath cue set, what's going on?
Come on Linda, out with it.
- Oh fine, you tell her Neville. - I knew it, tell me what, tell me what.
- Well, its a funny story actually.
- Not funny.
- Well, its not funny.
First night we decided to go skinny dipping.
A bottle of champagne on the beach,
stars twinkling upon our naked bodies.
- Enough, what happened?
- Woke up with amoebic dysentery.
(laughing)
Yes, spent the whole two weeks in the apartment.
- (laughing) Oh dear, I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
- We had a great time.
- Best holiday I've ever had with my liggle piggle,
you know, once the vomiting and the diarrhoea had subsided.
- You liggle piggle (kissing).
(laughing loudly) - Not funny Sue.
- The whole two weeks?
- The whole two weeks.
- Amazing, amazing. (laughing)
- Its really not that funny Sue. (laughing loudly)
- She does me head in.
- Well I'm as worried about Lauda as the next man
but competition can be a healthy thing Daniel.
Keep us on our toes, stop us getting flabby.
- I just think we might need to take
the threat more seriously, Lauda are cleaning up--
- I'm sorry one second.
Hi.
- Hi.
- You'll have to keep your eye on this one Ian.
She'll be wrecking the place again if we're not careful.
- You are?
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Don't be, there's no point in crying over
spilled probiotics (laughing).
Anyway, what brings you back so soon?
- You do?
- Sorry?
- Because you sent me this, where is it, hang on sorry.
Where is it?
- Is this a bunsen burner?
- Yes, cease and desist.
- Well how did you get that?
- You sent it to me silly.
I'm the manager of the new Lauda.
- I just wish you'd mentioned it a little earlier,
that's all.
Daniel I'd like you to meet-- - Cheryl, hello.
- She's the manager of Lauda apparently.
- I mean how could I tell you who I was after...
Is that it?
- What?
- It is, I knew it would be a Delby 3000, oh,
you can always tell by the initial pigment quality.
- You can can't you.
- Yeah.
- You know, not a lot of people appreciate the finer copy quality of this model.
- You know the fax is more popular than the email in Japan.
- Is it? You know I'm not surprised,
they're a very civilised people the Japanese.
(clears throat)
- Gavin, you probably want to have a word
with Cheryl about a few things.
- Yes, yes, oh yes, yes I do.
Now listen, these leaflets they got to stop.
- What leaflets?
(laughs)
- Yeah, I'm sorry, not funny.
Can we just put that down to an enthusiastic team.
- Well, I suppose this time we can--
- They were putting them up in our store.
- And I shall personally see
that they cease and desist forthwith.
Is there anything else, no.
Well in that case I should be getting back, so.
Oh but Gavin, no, no I should go.
- Oh no please, what were you going to say?
- Well, there's no need for this to get unfriendly.
I'd like to think that I could occasionally pop over
and borrow a proverbial cup of sugar every now and again.
- You so right.
- Listen, I've got a business card here somewhere
and if you want to give me a call.
Ooh, chewing gum, do you want some?
- No thank you.
- Ah yes, here you go.
- You're a plumber.
- No, that's the wrong one, that one.
- Now listen, don't be strangers, alright.
We're neighbours now so call me if you want, or not.
Gonna go now, I'm going, I'm going.
Just pull.
- (laughs) Its a pull door (laughs).
- What was that?
- She's quite something isn't she?
- Okay, okay, point taken.
You're lashing out because you can't have me,
I get that.
But, if you put me on the deli permanently
doesn't mean I'm gonna change my mind, Katie.
I'm with Lisa now.
- Katie, you two are like ships passing in the night, right,
but us two, we're like ships totally docked.
And we just keep docking, and docking,
and docking night after night.
- That's really beautiful Lisa,
I'll try and keep that in mind.
- Night then.
- Well have a good evening Daniel. Whatever it is you may be doing,
with whomever it is you may be doing it with.
- Thank you Charlie, I will.
- I myself will be somewhere else entirely.
Not doing anything with you or to you at all.
- Now, well that's a shame.
- Wait, I don't get it.
- Well we're not at work now are we?
- Oh, awesome.
But you will have to explain those rules to me again,
because I'm actually now quite confused.
- Let yourself in, I'll be done in about an hour or so.
- Okay, bye.
- Well you got a bit of a tan anyway. - Oh, do I , really.
- Well maybe not a tan as such, but you definitely look
a bit flushed, do you get it, flushed.
- Yeah, very funny, thank you.
- Ah, don't get a cob on, I'm only yanking your chain.
- Ah, going home.
- Eh, Linda come back, I'm on a roll here.
- Not going to say anymore.
(laughing)
- Well I think you were right about not worrying,
now that I've met Cheryl Fairweather.
- (splutters) Did you say Cheryl Fairweather,
as in the Cheryl Fairweather?
- I guess, what have you heard of her?
- Only in my nightmares, she's won Golden Grocer
for the last four years.
She's a supermarket management legend.
- Really, well its like you say Gavin.
Some things are out of your hands, No use worrying in't.
- You insane, its Cheryl Fairweather.
Cheryl Fairweather.
(upbeat music)