1 00:00:23,559 --> 00:00:24,476 - Whatever. 2 00:00:29,753 --> 00:00:31,851 - Quiet, isn't it? 3 00:00:31,951 --> 00:00:34,214 - Well, yes and no, uh, mainly yes, 4 00:00:34,314 --> 00:00:36,465 but, you know, it's nothing to worry about. 5 00:00:36,565 --> 00:00:39,385 Just because Lauder has opened its doors today 6 00:00:39,485 --> 00:00:41,899 doesn't mean we're not gonna give 'em a run for their money. 7 00:00:41,899 --> 00:00:44,290 - What with that special offer on rice? 8 00:00:44,390 --> 00:00:46,103 - Well, it is basmati rice, Daniel. 9 00:00:46,203 --> 00:00:48,691 - Wow, it is dead in here. 10 00:00:48,791 --> 00:00:50,588 - Yes, well, as I've just been explaining to Daniel, 11 00:00:50,588 --> 00:00:53,052 just because Lauder's opening-- - Oh, Lauder, they're brilliant. 12 00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:56,454 - Judas Priest, is that a Lauder breakfast bap? 13 00:00:56,554 --> 00:00:57,597 - Mm-hmm. 14 00:00:57,697 --> 00:00:59,148 - Where's your loyalty, Colin? 15 00:00:59,248 --> 00:01:01,099 - Is that one of those with two fried eggs? 16 00:01:01,199 --> 00:01:02,550 - Oh, yes, do you want a bite? 17 00:01:02,650 --> 00:01:03,758 - Go on then. 18 00:01:03,858 --> 00:01:05,734 - Valco staff are not allowed to shop at Lauder. 19 00:01:05,734 --> 00:01:08,286 - Oh, Lauder, have they opened already? 20 00:01:08,386 --> 00:01:10,315 They are brilliant. 21 00:01:10,415 --> 00:01:12,998 - (scoffs) Will everyone just stop saying that? 22 00:01:13,098 --> 00:01:15,681 Now, come on, get back to work. 23 00:01:17,423 --> 00:01:19,178 - We're really going to have to up our game, Gavin. 24 00:01:19,178 --> 00:01:22,191 - Well, it'll be fine, ya know. 25 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:25,002 This is just the quiet before the storm. 26 00:01:25,102 --> 00:01:28,435 (high-pitched whirring) 27 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,436 (beeping) 28 00:01:32,536 --> 00:01:33,269 (lips smacking) 29 00:01:33,369 --> 00:01:34,102 - One more. 30 00:01:34,202 --> 00:01:35,781 - (giggling) Neville, that's enough. 31 00:01:35,881 --> 00:01:37,649 - That's not what you said last night. 32 00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:38,859 Nev-Nev wants another. 33 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:39,692 (giggling) 34 00:01:39,792 --> 00:01:40,625 (high-pitched feedback) - Oops. 35 00:01:40,625 --> 00:01:41,625 - [Both] Ow. 36 00:01:45,526 --> 00:01:46,966 - Oh, what's he like? 37 00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:48,178 - A nob end. 38 00:01:48,278 --> 00:01:50,181 Oh, come on, I'm only messin'. 39 00:01:50,281 --> 00:01:52,508 - Sue, I'm really happy, I thought you'd be please for me. 40 00:01:52,508 --> 00:01:54,306 - I am pleased for you and for Nev-Nev. 41 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:55,265 (Linda giggling) 42 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:57,066 - Oh, he's so sweet. 43 00:01:57,166 --> 00:01:58,538 Can't wait for Mom and Dad to meet him. 44 00:01:58,538 --> 00:01:59,930 - You're lettin' your mom and dad meet him? 45 00:01:59,930 --> 00:02:02,281 - They're comin' to see the new Lauder, but really it's to see Neville. 46 00:02:02,281 --> 00:02:03,579 Told them all about him. 47 00:02:03,679 --> 00:02:06,146 - Good idea, otherwise it might be a bit of a shock. 48 00:02:06,246 --> 00:02:06,979 - Sue! 49 00:02:07,079 --> 00:02:10,456 - Don't get me wrong, there's lots of good things about Neville. 50 00:02:10,556 --> 00:02:11,389 Uh, like, 51 00:02:13,502 --> 00:02:15,169 never killed anyone. 52 00:02:18,828 --> 00:02:21,821 - Heather, I'm Katie, I'm head of HR. 53 00:02:21,921 --> 00:02:23,496 There's a few things that we have to go through first 54 00:02:23,496 --> 00:02:24,767 before I give you the tour. 55 00:02:24,867 --> 00:02:26,476 - Okey-dokey. 56 00:02:26,576 --> 00:02:28,169 - Well, you can sit down now. 57 00:02:28,269 --> 00:02:29,856 (giggles) 58 00:02:29,956 --> 00:02:32,456 And here is your welcome pack. 59 00:02:34,382 --> 00:02:37,682 - Welcome, Heather! (giggles) 60 00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:40,145 - And here is your uniform and name badge. 61 00:02:40,245 --> 00:02:42,597 - Oh, um, goodness, I've got loads of badges. 62 00:02:42,697 --> 00:02:44,780 My best is from Seaworld, though I've never actually been there, 63 00:02:44,780 --> 00:02:47,506 but this is my new favourite. 64 00:02:47,606 --> 00:02:50,902 - So, um, one of the good things about a new starter 65 00:02:51,002 --> 00:02:52,836 is we can find out a bit about you, 66 00:02:52,936 --> 00:02:54,501 so we know where's best to put you. 67 00:02:54,601 --> 00:02:55,738 - Well, I'm 19 years old. 68 00:02:55,838 --> 00:02:57,688 I was born in Warrington in our front room. 69 00:02:57,688 --> 00:03:00,786 Mom says I took 45 hours, that's why I'm so stubborn. 70 00:03:00,886 --> 00:03:02,768 I like cats, but I'm not allowed long-hair ones, 71 00:03:02,768 --> 00:03:05,942 because I'm allergic, which I'm fine with, so actually Mom, I'm not that stubborn. 72 00:03:05,942 --> 00:03:08,896 - Okay, I sorta meant what kinda things you like doing at work. 73 00:03:08,996 --> 00:03:11,893 - Oh, I never worked anywhere before, never been allowed. 74 00:03:11,993 --> 00:03:15,117 But I know I can do this, I just know it. Whatever Mom says. 75 00:03:16,689 --> 00:03:18,152 - Colin, you're a man of the world. 76 00:03:18,252 --> 00:03:20,150 - Mm-hmm. - Could I trouble you 77 00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:21,407 for some advice? 78 00:03:21,507 --> 00:03:23,616 - Yeah, it's gonna cost you though, now, 20 quid. 79 00:03:23,716 --> 00:03:24,799 - Oh, got it. 80 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,320 I've only got five pounds on me, is... 81 00:03:28,420 --> 00:03:30,426 - (inhales) I was just jokin', Neville! 82 00:03:30,526 --> 00:03:32,512 (Neville laughs) 83 00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:35,777 - The thing is I'm meeting Linda's parents today. 84 00:03:35,877 --> 00:03:38,292 - Och, well that's it, then, innit, game over. 85 00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:39,913 - Yes, I'm rather worried about it. 86 00:03:40,013 --> 00:03:41,675 - Yeah, I'm not surprised by that, I'm really not. 87 00:03:41,675 --> 00:03:44,718 It's like she's young and fit. 88 00:03:44,818 --> 00:03:45,551 - Yeah. 89 00:03:45,651 --> 00:03:49,256 - Whereas you, you're old and ugly. 90 00:03:49,356 --> 00:03:50,089 No offence. 91 00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:51,346 - No, none taken. 92 00:03:51,446 --> 00:03:53,134 Linda says, when I meet them, 93 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,006 I should just try and be myself. 94 00:03:55,106 --> 00:03:56,710 (laughing) 95 00:03:56,810 --> 00:03:57,971 - Can you imagine it? 96 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,523 - Yeah, what was she thinking? - I don't know. 97 00:04:00,623 --> 00:04:03,781 Oh, that is brilliant, that is, oh. 98 00:04:03,881 --> 00:04:07,048 Actually, I will have that fiver, Nev. 99 00:04:12,036 --> 00:04:14,413 - I know what you're thinking. - Brian's a perv? 100 00:04:14,513 --> 00:04:17,085 - No, you're thinking, did Brian really memorise 101 00:04:17,185 --> 00:04:19,197 every item of shopping the last customer bought, 102 00:04:19,197 --> 00:04:21,363 and could he recite them back to me just like that? 103 00:04:21,463 --> 00:04:23,550 - No, I was thinking Brian's a perv. 104 00:04:23,650 --> 00:04:25,984 - Prairie Liquid, tomato soup, two packs of kitchen roll, 105 00:04:25,984 --> 00:04:28,985 one jar of Marmite, and a pack of Revels. 106 00:04:29,085 --> 00:04:33,420 Mind palaces, castles of memory imprinted on the brain. 107 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:34,873 - Well, you're wrong. 108 00:04:34,973 --> 00:04:37,998 It was Fairy Liquid, chicken soup, bag of tissues, 109 00:04:38,098 --> 00:04:39,961 and a family pack of Monster Munch. 110 00:04:40,061 --> 00:04:41,644 - Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. 111 00:04:42,899 --> 00:04:45,718 I think if you check the till receipt, you'll find that-- 112 00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:46,735 - Hah, yes! 113 00:04:48,826 --> 00:04:50,740 Been on the till since I was 16. 114 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:53,365 Got a dead ace memory me, probably the best in here. 115 00:04:53,465 --> 00:04:54,806 - I doubt that very much. 116 00:04:54,906 --> 00:04:57,518 - Yeah, well I don't doubt that even more much. 117 00:04:57,618 --> 00:05:00,247 - All right, then, since you've thrown down the gauntlet, 118 00:05:00,347 --> 00:05:01,653 care to make it interesting? 119 00:05:01,753 --> 00:05:03,146 - Ach, I'm not stripping. 120 00:05:03,246 --> 00:05:05,715 - Oh, hell no, I just meant a fiver 121 00:05:05,815 --> 00:05:08,571 says I have a better memory than you. 122 00:05:08,671 --> 00:05:09,782 - (scoffs) You don't. 123 00:05:09,882 --> 00:05:10,973 What's a gauntlet? 124 00:05:11,073 --> 00:05:12,310 - A metal glove. 125 00:05:12,410 --> 00:05:14,979 - (scoffs) You are a perv. 126 00:05:15,079 --> 00:05:16,113 - Gavin. 127 00:05:16,213 --> 00:05:17,330 Gavin. 128 00:05:17,430 --> 00:05:18,558 Gavin! 129 00:05:18,658 --> 00:05:20,445 (gasps) I've brought you a present. 130 00:05:20,545 --> 00:05:22,479 - Oh, is that a Gentlemen's Bespoke hamper 131 00:05:22,579 --> 00:05:23,854 from your Frankfurt range? 132 00:05:23,854 --> 00:05:26,610 - It's just a little something to say sorry. 133 00:05:26,710 --> 00:05:30,651 It's so quiet in here, and I'm sure it's all our fault. 134 00:05:30,751 --> 00:05:31,484 - What? 135 00:05:31,584 --> 00:05:32,445 Hadn't noticed. 136 00:05:32,545 --> 00:05:35,939 - Oh, when you lie, you're ears go red. 137 00:05:36,039 --> 00:05:38,403 It's just a little, but it's very sweet. (laughs) 138 00:05:38,503 --> 00:05:39,847 - Anyway, vis-a-vis the hamper, I'm afraid 139 00:05:39,847 --> 00:05:41,411 I really can't accept it. (phone rings) 140 00:05:41,411 --> 00:05:42,864 - Oh, sorry, hang on. 141 00:05:42,964 --> 00:05:44,801 Where is my phone? 142 00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:46,401 Argh, where is it? 143 00:05:48,587 --> 00:05:51,658 - It's in (stammers) your breast pocket. 144 00:05:51,758 --> 00:05:54,278 - Oh, yeah, such an idiot, thank you. 145 00:05:54,378 --> 00:05:57,072 Oh and it's just my deputy manager, I'll call him back. 146 00:05:57,172 --> 00:06:00,268 It is chaos over there, we're jampacked. 147 00:06:00,368 --> 00:06:02,856 - Well, we all have busy lives (chuckles). 148 00:06:02,956 --> 00:06:04,848 Anyway, I still can't accept this. 149 00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:07,315 It would give out the wrong message. - Sorry, what do you mean message? 150 00:06:07,315 --> 00:06:08,478 - Well, I don't want people to think that I, 151 00:06:08,478 --> 00:06:09,804 you know, I shop at Lauder. 152 00:06:09,904 --> 00:06:12,312 (chuckles) 153 00:06:12,412 --> 00:06:15,936 Ah, ah, madam, we have 10% off rice today. 154 00:06:16,036 --> 00:06:18,472 That is a Valco Price Promise. 155 00:06:18,572 --> 00:06:21,149 - Rice is free at Lauder. 156 00:06:21,249 --> 00:06:24,131 We got a whole range of free giveaways for our opening week. 157 00:06:24,231 --> 00:06:26,071 - Nice one, thanks. 158 00:06:26,171 --> 00:06:27,953 (imitating guns firing) 159 00:06:28,053 --> 00:06:29,344 (blowing) 160 00:06:29,444 --> 00:06:31,527 (laughs) 161 00:06:33,309 --> 00:06:34,749 - I am so sorry. 162 00:06:34,849 --> 00:06:35,682 Oh. 163 00:06:38,021 --> 00:06:39,857 (chuckling) 164 00:06:39,957 --> 00:06:42,702 Oh-ho-ho-ho, I think I probably deserve something 165 00:06:42,802 --> 00:06:45,157 a little bit harder than that (chuckles). 166 00:06:45,257 --> 00:06:46,588 Anyway, listen, I must be going. 167 00:06:46,688 --> 00:06:47,521 Bye. 168 00:06:51,373 --> 00:06:54,509 - So it should be pretty straightforward, but if-- 169 00:06:54,609 --> 00:06:56,167 - I feel so grown-up in this. 170 00:06:56,267 --> 00:06:58,195 It's officially my new best fleece. 171 00:06:58,295 --> 00:07:03,200 - Should be straightforward, but if you have any questions, just ask. 172 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:04,770 - You don't have to put your hand up. 173 00:07:04,870 --> 00:07:06,341 - Sorry. 174 00:07:06,441 --> 00:07:08,190 What should I do if someone asks me something? 175 00:07:08,190 --> 00:07:09,569 - Well, try and answer it as best you can, 176 00:07:09,569 --> 00:07:11,773 but if you can't then just come and find me. 177 00:07:11,873 --> 00:07:16,050 - What if it's a M-A-N (giggles). 178 00:07:16,150 --> 00:07:17,382 - A man? - (giggling) Mm-hmm. 179 00:07:17,482 --> 00:07:19,911 - I'm sure you can handle it. 180 00:07:20,011 --> 00:07:22,645 - Yeah, yeah, you're right, actually, I can, can't I? 181 00:07:22,745 --> 00:07:25,526 I can talk to whoever I want. 182 00:07:25,626 --> 00:07:26,388 - Great. 183 00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:28,213 So I'm gonna go to the loading bay 184 00:07:28,313 --> 00:07:30,267 and get you a cage to unpack, okay? 185 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,200 So you just wait here. 186 00:07:37,384 --> 00:07:39,684 - Hi, sir (giggles). 187 00:07:39,784 --> 00:07:41,867 (sniffs) 188 00:07:42,761 --> 00:07:44,621 - Right, Neville, remember what we discussed. 189 00:07:44,721 --> 00:07:45,818 - Do not be myself. - Yeah. 190 00:07:45,918 --> 00:07:47,196 - Do not be myself. 191 00:07:47,296 --> 00:07:50,447 - Neville, this is my mom and dad, Dave and Sheila. 192 00:07:50,547 --> 00:07:54,714 - Hey, Dave Dawg, bring it in, oh-ah (chuckles). 193 00:07:55,899 --> 00:07:59,779 Sheils, you don't look old enough to be Linda's mom. 194 00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:02,266 You're still really fit, hah-hmm. 195 00:08:02,366 --> 00:08:04,151 - Linda said you were quite a charmer. 196 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,983 - Yes, well, I've certainly charmed the pants off your Linda, literally. 197 00:08:06,983 --> 00:08:08,794 She never got her pants on. 198 00:08:08,894 --> 00:08:09,627 - You what? 199 00:08:09,727 --> 00:08:11,271 - Neville, why don't you tell my mom and dad 200 00:08:11,271 --> 00:08:12,346 about what you do here? 201 00:08:12,346 --> 00:08:14,882 - You know, basically, I'm, uh, king of meat, 202 00:08:14,982 --> 00:08:18,866 aka, the burger king, although to be honest, Dave, 203 00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,378 who needs burgers, when you've got steak at home. 204 00:08:21,478 --> 00:08:24,112 By steak, I do mean sex. 205 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,268 - What is up with you? 206 00:08:25,368 --> 00:08:27,510 - Hah, well, I'll tell you one thing that's always up. 207 00:08:27,610 --> 00:08:31,647 (trumpets) That, that's up, all, all the time. 208 00:08:31,747 --> 00:08:33,526 - That's 20 quid I've lost to her. 209 00:08:33,626 --> 00:08:36,318 But how is that even possible? It must be a fluke. 210 00:08:36,418 --> 00:08:37,975 Course if you give an infinite number of monkeys 211 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:41,510 an infinite number of typewriters, they write the script for Hamlet. 212 00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:44,227 - Oh, they are clever, these monkeys, aren't they. 213 00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:45,910 Hamlet and PG Tips. 214 00:08:46,823 --> 00:08:49,078 - No, this will not stand. 215 00:08:49,178 --> 00:08:49,944 Lisa! 216 00:08:50,044 --> 00:08:50,919 - What? 217 00:08:51,019 --> 00:08:53,328 - Four, seven, eight, nine, 12, 18, six. 218 00:08:53,428 --> 00:08:55,125 What's the fifth number. 219 00:08:55,225 --> 00:08:56,442 - It'll cost you. 220 00:08:56,542 --> 00:08:58,275 - Fiver, what's the fifth number. 221 00:08:58,375 --> 00:08:59,208 - 12, hah. 222 00:09:01,379 --> 00:09:02,678 - Say them backwards. 223 00:09:02,778 --> 00:09:06,111 - Six, 18, 12, seven, nine, eight, four. 224 00:09:09,645 --> 00:09:11,761 You forgot the numbers, haven't ya? - No. 225 00:09:11,861 --> 00:09:13,897 - Hah, oh, you're supposed to be smart. 226 00:09:13,997 --> 00:09:17,165 You wanna be Doctor Oz or summat. - Oh, no, he's not a doctor. 227 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,316 Are you a doctor, Brian? 228 00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:20,499 - [Lisa] Hah! 229 00:09:21,348 --> 00:09:23,325 - Uh, Lisa, will you get back on your till, please? 230 00:09:23,325 --> 00:09:24,877 - Uh, there's no one here. 231 00:09:24,977 --> 00:09:26,709 - That's as may be, but, uh, 232 00:09:26,809 --> 00:09:29,700 soon as we give up manning the tills, it'll look like Valco can't be bothered, 233 00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:32,858 and the day that happens, we should all pack up and go home. 234 00:09:32,958 --> 00:09:34,215 - Oh, good (chuckles). 235 00:09:34,315 --> 00:09:36,653 - Margaret, that's just a saying. 236 00:09:36,753 --> 00:09:37,941 - Rightio. 237 00:09:38,041 --> 00:09:42,047 - Uh, Gavin, I take it you haven't seen the Lauder website. 238 00:09:42,147 --> 00:09:42,935 - No. 239 00:09:43,035 --> 00:09:45,563 - They've posted a video of someone endorsing their new store. 240 00:09:45,563 --> 00:09:46,698 - It's not Chegwin, is it? 241 00:09:46,798 --> 00:09:48,048 - No, it's you. 242 00:09:50,395 --> 00:09:53,381 - Shop at Lauder, I shop at Lauder, I shop at Lauder. 243 00:09:53,481 --> 00:09:55,453 This is outrageous. 244 00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:58,610 She's taken my words completely out of context. 245 00:09:58,710 --> 00:10:00,326 - Store security's been compromised. 246 00:10:00,426 --> 00:10:02,947 I need to instigate lockdown. 247 00:10:03,047 --> 00:10:04,323 - For the hundredth time, Ian, 248 00:10:04,423 --> 00:10:06,895 we do not have a procedure called lockdown. 249 00:10:06,995 --> 00:10:08,337 - And look what happened. 250 00:10:08,437 --> 00:10:09,915 - If they want to play dirty, so should we. 251 00:10:09,915 --> 00:10:11,543 We need to fight fire with fire. 252 00:10:11,643 --> 00:10:13,880 - Step one: Shut down the internet. 253 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,840 - Ian, do you really need to be here? 254 00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:17,586 - Look, we need to find out what they're doing over there, 255 00:10:17,586 --> 00:10:19,620 Special offers, free giveaways, whatever it is, 256 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:22,758 and then we undercut them. - Two words: smoke bomb. 257 00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:28,473 - Yeah, apart from the illegality, how would that even help? 258 00:10:28,573 --> 00:10:32,317 - When they've evacuated the store, we go in. 259 00:10:32,417 --> 00:10:34,641 We take photos with an infrared camera. 260 00:10:34,741 --> 00:10:36,580 We build a secret darkroom. 261 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:37,968 We develop the photos. 262 00:10:38,068 --> 00:10:40,068 10, 12 hours later, bam! 263 00:10:41,270 --> 00:10:42,732 We see what they've got on offer. 264 00:10:42,832 --> 00:10:46,796 - Or we just send someone over there to take a look. 265 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,414 - I still don't see why I can't go. 266 00:10:48,514 --> 00:10:51,332 - Margaret's a sweet, old lady, she'll avoid suspicion. 267 00:10:51,432 --> 00:10:52,506 - I can avoid suspicion. 268 00:10:52,606 --> 00:10:54,301 Go on, ask me where I work. 269 00:10:54,401 --> 00:10:57,117 - Where do you work. - (gasps) How dare you ask me that. 270 00:10:57,217 --> 00:10:58,364 - Charlie. 271 00:10:58,464 --> 00:11:00,234 Just this sort of thing, it's not, you know-- 272 00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:01,231 - What? 273 00:11:01,331 --> 00:11:02,488 - One of your strong points. 274 00:11:02,588 --> 00:11:03,321 (gasps) 275 00:11:03,421 --> 00:11:04,204 Ack! 276 00:11:04,304 --> 00:11:06,049 - So, go across to Lauder, 277 00:11:06,149 --> 00:11:08,991 find out what they have on special offer, then come back and tell us. 278 00:11:08,991 --> 00:11:10,703 Good luck, and, uh, eyes peeled. 279 00:11:10,803 --> 00:11:12,253 - Oh, eyes peeled. 280 00:11:12,353 --> 00:11:15,933 Ooh. (cart rattles) 281 00:11:16,033 --> 00:11:18,033 (sighs) 282 00:11:19,447 --> 00:11:22,014 (sighs) 283 00:11:22,114 --> 00:11:22,847 - Where is she? 284 00:11:22,947 --> 00:11:23,710 It's been an hour. 285 00:11:23,810 --> 00:11:25,507 - Told you you shouldn't have sent Margaret. 286 00:11:25,507 --> 00:11:28,685 She's almost certainly got no experience of covert surveillance. 287 00:11:28,785 --> 00:11:31,144 - Do you think she's been rumbled? - If they have, they'll probably 288 00:11:31,144 --> 00:11:32,788 send her back piece by piece. 289 00:11:32,888 --> 00:11:35,115 First an ear, then a finger. 290 00:11:35,215 --> 00:11:36,243 - Oh, dear lord. 291 00:11:36,343 --> 00:11:37,621 - Let's face it, if the tables were turned, 292 00:11:37,621 --> 00:11:38,688 we'd do the same. 293 00:11:38,788 --> 00:11:39,886 - Don't feel bad, Gavin. 294 00:11:39,986 --> 00:11:41,984 I mean, yes, you've probably sent an old woman 295 00:11:42,084 --> 00:11:46,251 to her almost certain death, but it was for a noble cause. 296 00:11:47,261 --> 00:11:48,814 - (sighs) Right, I'm calling the whole thing off. 297 00:11:48,814 --> 00:11:50,771 Ian, get over there and find her. 298 00:11:50,871 --> 00:11:53,806 - Permission to assemble an away team. - I volunteer, sir! 299 00:11:53,906 --> 00:11:56,914 - You're a good kid, but I can't promise things won't get hairy, Harry. 300 00:11:57,014 --> 00:11:58,565 - I knew that when I signed up for this. 301 00:11:58,665 --> 00:12:00,476 - Let's roll. 302 00:12:00,576 --> 00:12:02,117 - Oh, now, stand down, Ian. 303 00:12:02,217 --> 00:12:03,523 - Oh, come on! 304 00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:06,230 - (sighs) Oh, thank, thank heavens, Margaret. 305 00:12:06,330 --> 00:12:07,454 Are you okay? 306 00:12:07,554 --> 00:12:10,081 - Yes, I'm fine, thank you, Gavin, and how are you? 307 00:12:10,181 --> 00:12:12,290 - Uh, what did you find out, Margaret? 308 00:12:12,390 --> 00:12:14,318 - Well, I bumped into my friend, Joan. 309 00:12:14,418 --> 00:12:17,161 Joan from Runcorn, not Joan from Widnes. 310 00:12:17,261 --> 00:12:19,813 Anyway, she's got a sister called Julie. 311 00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:22,144 Not the Julie that worked here, another Julie. 312 00:12:22,244 --> 00:12:25,894 (chuckles) Apparently she's changed her hair colour 313 00:12:25,994 --> 00:12:27,536 from brunette to blonde. 314 00:12:27,636 --> 00:12:29,702 My Alan always used to say, 315 00:12:29,802 --> 00:12:33,089 "Blondes may have more fun, but they get dirty quicker." 316 00:12:33,189 --> 00:12:35,748 (laughing) 317 00:12:35,848 --> 00:12:38,094 - You didn't actually go in the store, did you, Margaret? 318 00:12:38,094 --> 00:12:39,768 - No, but I had a lovely chat to Joan (laughs). 319 00:12:39,768 --> 00:12:40,685 - Hm, good. 320 00:12:41,919 --> 00:12:43,138 Thank you, Margaret. 321 00:12:43,238 --> 00:12:44,538 You can get back to work now. 322 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,124 - Oh, rightio. 323 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:48,303 - All right, we're gonna have to send someone else. 324 00:12:48,303 --> 00:12:51,021 - No need, because I've already been. 325 00:12:51,121 --> 00:12:53,292 - What, you went to Lauder? - Yes, and I took note of all 326 00:12:53,392 --> 00:12:56,197 the special offers and everything. Not that I'm going to tell you about them, 327 00:12:56,197 --> 00:12:57,856 because someone didn't think 328 00:12:57,956 --> 00:13:01,289 that reconnaissance was my strong point. 329 00:13:03,164 --> 00:13:05,694 Actually, I'm too excited so I have to tell you what I found out (giggles). 330 00:13:05,694 --> 00:13:08,070 (imitating light sabres) 331 00:13:08,170 --> 00:13:10,529 - And that's when I found a ginormous conker under a tree 332 00:13:10,529 --> 00:13:11,615 and soaked it in vinegar overnight, 333 00:13:11,615 --> 00:13:14,920 which some people say is cheating, but it is not. 334 00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:15,816 - Right, can I just? 335 00:13:15,916 --> 00:13:18,205 - Do you like to eat conkers, perhaps with your wife to eat? 336 00:13:18,205 --> 00:13:19,865 If you have a wife. 337 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,562 - Is everything all right, sir? - I just want to know where the pasta is. 338 00:13:22,562 --> 00:13:24,206 - Pasta, aisle two. 339 00:13:24,306 --> 00:13:25,139 - Bye. 340 00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:28,856 - Wow, that was so exciting. 341 00:13:28,956 --> 00:13:32,816 I think that M-A-N is a F-L-I-R-T. 342 00:13:32,916 --> 00:13:34,362 - It's going to be quite a long day 343 00:13:34,462 --> 00:13:36,159 if you keep spelling things out. 344 00:13:36,259 --> 00:13:39,811 Anyway, there's been a spillage in the dairy aisle. 345 00:13:39,911 --> 00:13:41,772 - Do you really think I'm ready? 346 00:13:41,872 --> 00:13:43,095 - I really do. 347 00:13:43,195 --> 00:13:44,835 (giggles) 348 00:13:44,935 --> 00:13:46,720 ♫ One man went to mow 349 00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:48,920 ♫ Went to mow a meadow 350 00:13:49,020 --> 00:13:50,844 ♫ One man and his dog called Spot 351 00:13:50,944 --> 00:13:53,292 ♫ Went to mow a meadow 352 00:13:53,392 --> 00:13:56,468 - (laughing) Oh, Neville, I honestly thought Linda's dad 353 00:13:56,568 --> 00:13:58,211 was gonna kill you, man, ah, yah-bah! 354 00:13:58,311 --> 00:14:01,305 - Yes, on reflection, some of my behaviour 355 00:14:01,405 --> 00:14:03,586 was a tad misjudged. 356 00:14:03,686 --> 00:14:06,980 - Right, Neville, pingin' her mom's bra strap is one thing, 357 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,648 guessin' her cup size with your nose, come on. 358 00:14:10,748 --> 00:14:11,719 - Poor Linda. 359 00:14:11,819 --> 00:14:15,250 It's not the first time a woman has looked at me with anger 360 00:14:15,350 --> 00:14:20,007 and disappointment, but it's certainly the most recent. 361 00:14:20,107 --> 00:14:21,334 What should I do? 362 00:14:21,434 --> 00:14:22,974 - Can't just give out free advice now. 363 00:14:23,074 --> 00:14:25,066 You know, people start to take advantage, man. 364 00:14:25,166 --> 00:14:25,999 Come on. 365 00:14:27,154 --> 00:14:28,357 - I've got three pounds, 366 00:14:28,457 --> 00:14:31,160 but I really do need it for my bus fares. 367 00:14:31,260 --> 00:14:33,899 Sue, did Linda tell you? 368 00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:34,917 - Yup. 369 00:14:35,017 --> 00:14:36,774 - Mm, don't, uh, don't suppose 370 00:14:36,874 --> 00:14:38,910 she thought any of it was funny? 371 00:14:39,010 --> 00:14:39,743 - [Sue] Nope. 372 00:14:39,843 --> 00:14:42,296 - Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. 373 00:14:42,396 --> 00:14:43,933 - You should never have spoken to 'em. 374 00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:47,323 Right, when I met Lisa's parents, I didn't say a word to 'em. 375 00:14:47,423 --> 00:14:48,470 Still haven't. 376 00:14:48,570 --> 00:14:51,861 - Yeah, for a while, I was the happiest man on Earth. 377 00:14:51,961 --> 00:14:55,253 I never thought a beautiful, sane woman 378 00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:59,520 could ever love me, but she did, and now I've lost her. 379 00:15:03,090 --> 00:15:04,936 - Three quid, Nev. 380 00:15:05,036 --> 00:15:05,769 Three quid. 381 00:15:05,869 --> 00:15:07,544 - Oh, sorry. - That's all right. 382 00:15:07,644 --> 00:15:09,444 - And they've hundreds and hundreds of products. 383 00:15:09,444 --> 00:15:12,414 And they've over 20 members of staff, and huge signs, and massive writing, 384 00:15:12,414 --> 00:15:14,875 saying what's on each aisle. And amazing deals. 385 00:15:14,975 --> 00:15:16,071 - Yeah, three for two. 386 00:15:16,171 --> 00:15:18,329 - No, four for three. 387 00:15:18,429 --> 00:15:20,852 - Diamonds and pearls, four for three? 388 00:15:20,952 --> 00:15:22,867 That's only for the Olympics and royal weddings. 389 00:15:22,867 --> 00:15:25,170 - Well, we've got to fight back quick. - You're right, Daniel. 390 00:15:25,270 --> 00:15:26,952 It is time to head into the danger zone. 391 00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:29,009 We need to match them four for three. 392 00:15:29,109 --> 00:15:30,442 - Or one better. 393 00:15:31,795 --> 00:15:33,521 - You don't mean 394 00:15:33,621 --> 00:15:34,788 five for four? 395 00:15:42,337 --> 00:15:43,920 Let's do it. - Oh no. 396 00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:46,058 - I'll get the signage ready straightaway. 397 00:15:46,158 --> 00:15:48,680 - Thank you, Charlie, you did well. 398 00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:50,487 - I did, didn't I? 399 00:15:50,587 --> 00:15:54,063 - There are 500 children in Dilip's school. 400 00:15:54,163 --> 00:15:56,282 Ooh, that's a funny name, isn't it, Dilip. 401 00:15:56,382 --> 00:15:57,813 - Just read the question. 402 00:15:57,913 --> 00:15:59,503 - Wait, I now think it's Phillip. 403 00:15:59,603 --> 00:16:02,198 Oh, I am gonna need glasses on. 404 00:16:02,298 --> 00:16:04,074 Oh, no it is, it's Dilip. 405 00:16:04,174 --> 00:16:05,599 Ooh, it must be an Indian name. 406 00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:07,505 - Margaret, for the love of, just... 407 00:16:07,605 --> 00:16:10,009 - What percentage of the children in the class-- 408 00:16:10,109 --> 00:16:13,359 - Went to the zoo, 35%, yes, come on. 409 00:16:13,459 --> 00:16:16,954 - What, she's not even read the question. 410 00:16:17,054 --> 00:16:17,980 - It's intuition. 411 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,259 You just can't teach things like that. 412 00:16:20,359 --> 00:16:22,214 - Have you looked at the answers in the back? 413 00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:22,947 - Yes. - No. 414 00:16:23,047 --> 00:16:23,780 - No. 415 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,206 - Oh (chuckles). 416 00:16:27,306 --> 00:16:28,139 Right. 417 00:16:29,683 --> 00:16:31,269 Ooh, and you're wrong, 418 00:16:31,369 --> 00:16:33,028 Ooh, it's 45%. 419 00:16:33,128 --> 00:16:34,508 - For crying out loud, Margaret. 420 00:16:34,608 --> 00:16:39,305 - I'm sorry, Doctor Brian, I must've turned the wrong page. 421 00:16:39,405 --> 00:16:40,590 - Hah! 422 00:16:40,690 --> 00:16:44,005 That's 50 quid now (laughing). 423 00:16:44,105 --> 00:16:45,873 - Oh, she really is clever, isn't she? 424 00:16:45,973 --> 00:16:46,806 - Doh! 425 00:16:53,927 --> 00:16:57,332 - Excuse me, sir, do we sell humble pie, 426 00:16:57,432 --> 00:16:59,370 because I was wondering if you fancied eating some. 427 00:16:59,370 --> 00:17:02,150 - Uh, maybe after I finish this lot. 428 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:04,918 - And is there such a thing as apology soup. 429 00:17:05,018 --> 00:17:05,754 - No. 430 00:17:05,854 --> 00:17:07,054 - That's a shame, that would've really helped 431 00:17:07,054 --> 00:17:08,319 the joke I was planning. 432 00:17:08,419 --> 00:17:09,695 - Look, I'm sorry, okay? 433 00:17:09,795 --> 00:17:12,500 I should've believed in you. - Yes you should have. 434 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,534 Ooh, do we sell car alarms? 435 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,302 - Are you still looking for that joke? - No, no, it's a genuine question, 436 00:17:17,302 --> 00:17:19,701 because over at Lauder they sell loads of car stuff, 437 00:17:19,801 --> 00:17:23,463 and we don't sell any, so I feel like we're quite behind. 438 00:17:23,563 --> 00:17:26,127 - When you say loads of car stuff... 439 00:17:26,227 --> 00:17:28,727 - Number plates, tyres, lamps, 440 00:17:30,093 --> 00:17:33,829 they even change your exhaust pipe while you wait. 441 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,573 - Where exactly did you go? 442 00:17:35,673 --> 00:17:37,362 - To the big shop across the road. 443 00:17:37,462 --> 00:17:41,629 - The one that says Lauder, not the one that says Helford's. 444 00:17:43,987 --> 00:17:45,404 - There were two. 445 00:17:46,460 --> 00:17:49,890 - You went to Helford's, didn't you? - I did, yeah, that's what I did, um... 446 00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:52,352 - (sighs) You know that humble pie you were talkin' about? 447 00:17:52,452 --> 00:17:55,029 - Yes, I'd love a slice, thank you. 448 00:17:55,129 --> 00:17:57,498 ♫ 212 men and a dog called Spot 449 00:17:57,598 --> 00:18:00,145 ♫ Went to mow a meadow 450 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:02,414 - Ah, Charlie feels really bad about this. 451 00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:04,278 - Oh, yeah, it's probably for the best. 452 00:18:04,378 --> 00:18:06,533 I mean, five for four. 453 00:18:06,633 --> 00:18:08,488 What kind of world are we living in. 454 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,614 It's like Mad Max. 455 00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:12,058 Mind you, it's great value from Helfer's. 456 00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:14,952 I think I might pop by later on and pick up some car mats. 457 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:18,633 - Oh, Gavin, do you want to hear the rest of me story now? 458 00:18:18,733 --> 00:18:19,918 - Uh, well, if it's all the same to you, Margaret, 459 00:18:19,918 --> 00:18:21,264 we are rather busy. 460 00:18:21,364 --> 00:18:23,231 - Hmm, that's a shame. 461 00:18:23,331 --> 00:18:26,334 And I tried ever so hard to remember it. 462 00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:28,341 - Oh, go on then, if you're quick. 463 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,614 - Oh, lovely (laughs). 464 00:18:30,714 --> 00:18:33,260 So you remember that I bumped into Joan. 465 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,957 Joan from Runcorn, not-- - Yeah, yeah, quicker than that. 466 00:18:36,057 --> 00:18:38,077 - And anyway it turns out 467 00:18:38,177 --> 00:18:40,970 that Joan's sister works at Lauder. 468 00:18:41,070 --> 00:18:41,808 - What? 469 00:18:41,908 --> 00:18:44,939 - And she says, oh, and I hope I get this right, 470 00:18:45,039 --> 00:18:47,886 Lauder have moved sundry essentials 471 00:18:47,986 --> 00:18:51,281 to the front of the store to increase footfall 472 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:54,545 for the casual shopper whilst keeping sale items 473 00:18:54,645 --> 00:18:57,448 at the back to ensure customers 474 00:18:57,548 --> 00:19:01,715 pass by regularly priced items (giggles). 475 00:19:06,371 --> 00:19:07,893 - Mom and Dad are going. 476 00:19:07,993 --> 00:19:10,660 Anything you want to say to 'em? 477 00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:13,031 - I'm not sure there's any point? 478 00:19:13,131 --> 00:19:15,455 You've obviously made your mind up about me 479 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:19,436 and you're right, I am a 50-year-old, divorced 480 00:19:19,536 --> 00:19:21,944 supermarket butcher, living in a bedsit 481 00:19:22,044 --> 00:19:23,601 that's infested with ladybirds. 482 00:19:23,701 --> 00:19:26,142 - Neville, that's not helping. 483 00:19:26,242 --> 00:19:29,451 - What Neville means is, he's dead sorry about earlier. 484 00:19:29,551 --> 00:19:32,092 He was really nervous, because he wants you to like him. 485 00:19:32,192 --> 00:19:34,508 Yes, he is a penniless loser that no other girl 486 00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:36,069 would touch with a barge pole, 487 00:19:36,169 --> 00:19:37,975 but he really loves your Linda. 488 00:19:38,075 --> 00:19:40,337 She's the best thing that's ever happened to him. 489 00:19:40,437 --> 00:19:42,084 And I've never seen her so happy. 490 00:19:42,184 --> 00:19:44,237 Give him a chance, eh. 491 00:19:44,337 --> 00:19:46,696 - If Sue says you're all right, that's good enough for us. 492 00:19:46,796 --> 00:19:48,435 - How 'bout we start again? 493 00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,035 - I would love to. 494 00:19:52,284 --> 00:19:54,701 It's great to meet you, Dave. 495 00:19:56,583 --> 00:19:59,583 And it's lovely to meet you, Sheila. 496 00:20:01,364 --> 00:20:03,206 Come 'ere, you. 497 00:20:03,306 --> 00:20:04,039 - Oh. 498 00:20:04,139 --> 00:20:05,306 - Oh, ooh, uh. 499 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:07,998 I didn't, I... 500 00:20:08,897 --> 00:20:09,981 - Fancy to bar. 501 00:20:10,081 --> 00:20:10,814 - Always. 502 00:20:10,914 --> 00:20:12,184 - I've got 60 quid of Brian's. 503 00:20:12,284 --> 00:20:14,828 - You've got 60, how'd you get that? - What's the capital of Latvia? 504 00:20:14,928 --> 00:20:15,761 - Riga. 505 00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:18,349 - Dammit! 506 00:20:18,449 --> 00:20:21,078 - (laughs) Yes, hand his head to 'im. 507 00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,715 Add that bloke Mary con Fairy. 508 00:20:23,815 --> 00:20:26,965 - (laughs) God, I love you. 509 00:20:27,065 --> 00:20:28,651 - Moving those essentials to the front of the store 510 00:20:28,651 --> 00:20:29,600 has really paid off. 511 00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,990 You have to hand it to Cheryl Fairweather, she's a retail genius. 512 00:20:33,090 --> 00:20:34,785 - No, though, we're not actually that busy, 513 00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:36,565 we're just back to normal. 514 00:20:36,665 --> 00:20:41,350 - Ah, normal, the best word in the English language. 515 00:20:41,450 --> 00:20:44,241 - Sorry again, Gavin, thanks for not sacking me. 516 00:20:44,341 --> 00:20:46,171 - Ah-hah-hah-hah, don't mention it. 517 00:20:46,271 --> 00:20:48,150 - Mind you, the last person who sacked me, 518 00:20:48,250 --> 00:20:50,792 my dad locked 'em in a coffin for three days. 519 00:20:50,892 --> 00:20:53,040 (slowly gasps) State of that poor woman's hair 520 00:20:53,140 --> 00:20:54,458 when she finally crawled out. 521 00:20:54,558 --> 00:20:55,614 (Gavin panting) 522 00:20:55,714 --> 00:20:56,447 Hm-mm-mm-mm-mm? 523 00:20:56,547 --> 00:21:00,214 - Oh, you trip along, you two, off home now. 524 00:21:02,930 --> 00:21:04,939 - Only me (chuckles). 525 00:21:05,039 --> 00:21:07,613 I feel terrible about putting you on the website. 526 00:21:07,713 --> 00:21:10,193 It was just supposed to be a bit of fun. 527 00:21:10,293 --> 00:21:12,496 Take this, no tricks this time. 528 00:21:12,596 --> 00:21:14,446 - If I were to eat any of those things, 529 00:21:14,546 --> 00:21:18,024 it would leave a very bad taste in my mouth. 530 00:21:18,124 --> 00:21:20,750 - I see you've put sundry essentials to front of house. 531 00:21:20,850 --> 00:21:21,687 Touche. 532 00:21:21,787 --> 00:21:23,659 - Ah, touche and that. 533 00:21:23,759 --> 00:21:25,741 - Oh, go on, take it, you've earned it. 534 00:21:25,841 --> 00:21:28,508 (phone ringing) 535 00:21:32,579 --> 00:21:36,466 - This hamper is full of substandard products 536 00:21:36,566 --> 00:21:40,733 from an overpriced, arrogant supermarket (clears throat). 537 00:21:41,788 --> 00:21:43,370 Have you got that there, Cheryl? 538 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,687 - (inhales) Yes, yes I have. 539 00:21:45,787 --> 00:21:48,287 (theme music) 540 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:51,559 - Argh!