- Whatever.
- Quiet, isn't it?
- Well, yes and no, uh, mainly yes,
but, you know, it's nothing to worry about.
Just because Lauder has opened its doors today
doesn't mean we're not gonna give 'em a run for their money.
- What with that special offer on rice?
- Well, it is basmati rice, Daniel.
- Wow, it is dead in here.
- Yes, well, as I've just been explaining to Daniel,
just because Lauder's opening-- - Oh, Lauder, they're brilliant.
- Judas Priest, is that a Lauder breakfast bap?
- Mm-hmm.
- Where's your loyalty, Colin?
- Is that one of those with two fried eggs?
- Oh, yes, do you want a bite?
- Go on then.
- Valco staff are not allowed to shop at Lauder.
- Oh, Lauder, have they opened already?
They are brilliant.
- (scoffs) Will everyone just stop saying that?
Now, come on, get back to work.
- We're really going to have to up our game, Gavin.
- Well, it'll be fine, ya know.
This is just the quiet before the storm.
(high-pitched whirring)
(beeping)
(lips smacking)
- One more.
- (giggling) Neville, that's enough.
- That's not what you said last night.
Nev-Nev wants another.
(giggling)
(high-pitched feedback) - Oops.
- [Both] Ow.
- Oh, what's he like?
- A nob end.
Oh, come on, I'm only messin'.
- Sue, I'm really happy, I thought you'd be please for me.
- I am pleased for you and for Nev-Nev.
(Linda giggling)
- Oh, he's so sweet.
Can't wait for Mom and Dad to meet him.
- You're lettin' your mom and dad meet him?
- They're comin' to see the new Lauder, but really it's to see Neville.
Told them all about him.
- Good idea, otherwise it might be a bit of a shock.
- Sue!
- Don't get me wrong, there's lots of good things about Neville.
Uh, like,
never killed anyone.
- Heather, I'm Katie, I'm head of HR.
There's a few things that we have to go through first
before I give you the tour.
- Okey-dokey.
- Well, you can sit down now.
(giggles)
And here is your welcome pack.
- Welcome, Heather! (giggles)
- And here is your uniform and name badge.
- Oh, um, goodness, I've got loads of badges.
My best is from Seaworld, though I've never actually been there,
but this is my new favourite.
- So, um, one of the good things about a new starter
is we can find out a bit about you,
so we know where's best to put you.
- Well, I'm 19 years old.
I was born in Warrington in our front room.
Mom says I took 45 hours, that's why I'm so stubborn.
I like cats, but I'm not allowed long-hair ones,
because I'm allergic, which I'm fine with, so actually Mom, I'm not that stubborn.
- Okay, I sorta meant what kinda things you like doing at work.
- Oh, I never worked anywhere before, never been allowed.
But I know I can do this, I just know it. Whatever Mom says.
- Colin, you're a man of the world.
- Mm-hmm. - Could I trouble you
for some advice?
- Yeah, it's gonna cost you though, now, 20 quid.
- Oh, got it.
I've only got five pounds on me, is...
- (inhales) I was just jokin', Neville!
(Neville laughs)
- The thing is I'm meeting Linda's parents today.
- Och, well that's it, then, innit, game over.
- Yes, I'm rather worried about it.
- Yeah, I'm not surprised by that, I'm really not.
It's like she's young and fit.
- Yeah.
- Whereas you, you're old and ugly.
No offence.
- No, none taken.
Linda says, when I meet them,
I should just try and be myself.
(laughing)
- Can you imagine it?
- Yeah, what was she thinking? - I don't know.
Oh, that is brilliant, that is, oh.
Actually, I will have that fiver, Nev.
- I know what you're thinking. - Brian's a perv?
- No, you're thinking, did Brian really memorise
every item of shopping the last customer bought,
and could he recite them back to me just like that?
- No, I was thinking Brian's a perv.
- Prairie Liquid, tomato soup, two packs of kitchen roll,
one jar of Marmite, and a pack of Revels.
Mind palaces, castles of memory imprinted on the brain.
- Well, you're wrong.
It was Fairy Liquid, chicken soup, bag of tissues,
and a family pack of Monster Munch.
- Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
I think if you check the till receipt, you'll find that--
- Hah, yes!
Been on the till since I was 16.
Got a dead ace memory me, probably the best in here.
- I doubt that very much.
- Yeah, well I don't doubt that even more much.
- All right, then, since you've thrown down the gauntlet,
care to make it interesting?
- Ach, I'm not stripping.
- Oh, hell no, I just meant a fiver
says I have a better memory than you.
- (scoffs) You don't.
What's a gauntlet?
- A metal glove.
- (scoffs) You are a perv.
- Gavin.
Gavin.
Gavin!
(gasps) I've brought you a present.
- Oh, is that a Gentlemen's Bespoke hamper
from your Frankfurt range?
- It's just a little something to say sorry.
It's so quiet in here, and I'm sure it's all our fault.
- What?
Hadn't noticed.
- Oh, when you lie, you're ears go red.
It's just a little, but it's very sweet. (laughs)
- Anyway, vis-a-vis the hamper, I'm afraid
I really can't accept it. (phone rings)
- Oh, sorry, hang on.
Where is my phone?
Argh, where is it?
- It's in (stammers) your breast pocket.
- Oh, yeah, such an idiot, thank you.
Oh and it's just my deputy manager, I'll call him back.
It is chaos over there, we're jampacked.
- Well, we all have busy lives (chuckles).
Anyway, I still can't accept this.
It would give out the wrong message. - Sorry, what do you mean message?
- Well, I don't want people to think that I,
you know, I shop at Lauder.
(chuckles)
Ah, ah, madam, we have 10% off rice today.
That is a Valco Price Promise.
- Rice is free at Lauder.
We got a whole range of free giveaways for our opening week.
- Nice one, thanks.
(imitating guns firing)
(blowing)
(laughs)
- I am so sorry.
Oh.
(chuckling)
Oh-ho-ho-ho, I think I probably deserve something
a little bit harder than that (chuckles).
Anyway, listen, I must be going.
Bye.
- So it should be pretty straightforward, but if--
- I feel so grown-up in this.
It's officially my new best fleece.
- Should be straightforward, but if you have any questions, just ask.
- You don't have to put your hand up.
- Sorry.
What should I do if someone asks me something?
- Well, try and answer it as best you can,
but if you can't then just come and find me.
- What if it's a M-A-N (giggles).
- A man? - (giggling) Mm-hmm.
- I'm sure you can handle it.
- Yeah, yeah, you're right, actually, I can, can't I?
I can talk to whoever I want.
- Great.
So I'm gonna go to the loading bay
and get you a cage to unpack, okay?
So you just wait here.
- Hi, sir (giggles).
(sniffs)
- Right, Neville, remember what we discussed.
- Do not be myself. - Yeah.
- Do not be myself.
- Neville, this is my mom and dad, Dave and Sheila.
- Hey, Dave Dawg, bring it in, oh-ah (chuckles).
Sheils, you don't look old enough to be Linda's mom.
You're still really fit, hah-hmm.
- Linda said you were quite a charmer.
- Yes, well, I've certainly charmed the pants off your Linda, literally.
She never got her pants on.
- You what?
- Neville, why don't you tell my mom and dad
about what you do here?
- You know, basically, I'm, uh, king of meat,
aka, the burger king, although to be honest, Dave,
who needs burgers, when you've got steak at home.
By steak, I do mean sex.
- What is up with you?
- Hah, well, I'll tell you one thing that's always up.
(trumpets) That, that's up, all, all the time.
- That's 20 quid I've lost to her.
But how is that even possible? It must be a fluke.
Course if you give an infinite number of monkeys
an infinite number of typewriters, they write the script for Hamlet.
- Oh, they are clever, these monkeys, aren't they.
Hamlet and PG Tips.
- No, this will not stand.
Lisa!
- What?
- Four, seven, eight, nine, 12, 18, six.
What's the fifth number.
- It'll cost you.
- Fiver, what's the fifth number.
- 12, hah.
- Say them backwards.
- Six, 18, 12, seven, nine, eight, four.
You forgot the numbers, haven't ya? - No.
- Hah, oh, you're supposed to be smart.
You wanna be Doctor Oz or summat. - Oh, no, he's not a doctor.
Are you a doctor, Brian?
- [Lisa] Hah!
- Uh, Lisa, will you get back on your till, please?
- Uh, there's no one here.
- That's as may be, but, uh,
soon as we give up manning the tills, it'll look like Valco can't be bothered,
and the day that happens, we should all pack up and go home.
- Oh, good (chuckles).
- Margaret, that's just a saying.
- Rightio.
- Uh, Gavin, I take it you haven't seen the Lauder website.
- No.
- They've posted a video of someone endorsing their new store.
- It's not Chegwin, is it?
- No, it's you.
- Shop at Lauder, I shop at Lauder, I shop at Lauder.
This is outrageous.
She's taken my words completely out of context.
- Store security's been compromised.
I need to instigate lockdown.
- For the hundredth time, Ian,
we do not have a procedure called lockdown.
- And look what happened.
- If they want to play dirty, so should we.
We need to fight fire with fire.
- Step one: Shut down the internet.
- Ian, do you really need to be here?
- Look, we need to find out what they're doing over there,
Special offers, free giveaways, whatever it is,
and then we undercut them. - Two words: smoke bomb.
- Yeah, apart from the illegality, how would that even help?
- When they've evacuated the store, we go in.
We take photos with an infrared camera.
We build a secret darkroom.
We develop the photos.
10, 12 hours later, bam!
We see what they've got on offer.
- Or we just send someone over there to take a look.
- I still don't see why I can't go.
- Margaret's a sweet, old lady, she'll avoid suspicion.
- I can avoid suspicion.
Go on, ask me where I work.
- Where do you work. - (gasps) How dare you ask me that.
- Charlie.
Just this sort of thing, it's not, you know--
- What?
- One of your strong points.
(gasps)
Ack!
- So, go across to Lauder,
find out what they have on special offer, then come back and tell us.
Good luck, and, uh, eyes peeled.
- Oh, eyes peeled.
Ooh. (cart rattles)
(sighs)
- Where is she?
It's been an hour.
- Told you you shouldn't have sent Margaret.
She's almost certainly got no experience of covert surveillance.
- Do you think she's been rumbled? - If they have, they'll probably
send her back piece by piece.
First an ear, then a finger.
- Oh, dear lord.
- Let's face it, if the tables were turned,
we'd do the same.
- Don't feel bad, Gavin.
I mean, yes, you've probably sent an old woman
to her almost certain death, but it was for a noble cause.
- (sighs) Right, I'm calling the whole thing off.
Ian, get over there and find her.
- Permission to assemble an away team. - I volunteer, sir!
- You're a good kid, but I can't promise things won't get hairy, Harry.
- I knew that when I signed up for this.
- Let's roll.
- Oh, now, stand down, Ian.
- Oh, come on!
- (sighs) Oh, thank, thank heavens, Margaret.
Are you okay?
- Yes, I'm fine, thank you, Gavin, and how are you?
- Uh, what did you find out, Margaret?
- Well, I bumped into my friend, Joan.
Joan from Runcorn, not Joan from Widnes.
Anyway, she's got a sister called Julie.
Not the Julie that worked here, another Julie.
(chuckles) Apparently she's changed her hair colour
from brunette to blonde.
My Alan always used to say,
"Blondes may have more fun, but they get dirty quicker."
(laughing)
- You didn't actually go in the store, did you, Margaret?
- No, but I had a lovely chat to Joan (laughs).
- Hm, good.
Thank you, Margaret.
You can get back to work now.
- Oh, rightio.
- All right, we're gonna have to send someone else.
- No need, because I've already been.
- What, you went to Lauder? - Yes, and I took note of all
the special offers and everything. Not that I'm going to tell you about them,
because someone didn't think
that reconnaissance was my strong point.
Actually, I'm too excited so I have to tell you what I found out (giggles).
(imitating light sabres)
- And that's when I found a ginormous conker under a tree
and soaked it in vinegar overnight,
which some people say is cheating, but it is not.
- Right, can I just?
- Do you like to eat conkers, perhaps with your wife to eat?
If you have a wife.
- Is everything all right, sir? - I just want to know where the pasta is.
- Pasta, aisle two.
- Bye.
- Wow, that was so exciting.
I think that M-A-N is a F-L-I-R-T.
- It's going to be quite a long day
if you keep spelling things out.
Anyway, there's been a spillage in the dairy aisle.
- Do you really think I'm ready?
- I really do.
(giggles)
♫ One man went to mow
♫ Went to mow a meadow
♫ One man and his dog called Spot
♫ Went to mow a meadow
- (laughing) Oh, Neville, I honestly thought Linda's dad
was gonna kill you, man, ah, yah-bah!
- Yes, on reflection, some of my behaviour
was a tad misjudged.
- Right, Neville, pingin' her mom's bra strap is one thing,
guessin' her cup size with your nose, come on.
- Poor Linda.
It's not the first time a woman has looked at me with anger
and disappointment, but it's certainly the most recent.
What should I do?
- Can't just give out free advice now.
You know, people start to take advantage, man.
Come on.
- I've got three pounds,
but I really do need it for my bus fares.
Sue, did Linda tell you?
- Yup.
- Mm, don't, uh, don't suppose
she thought any of it was funny?
- [Sue] Nope.
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
- You should never have spoken to 'em.
Right, when I met Lisa's parents, I didn't say a word to 'em.
Still haven't.
- Yeah, for a while, I was the happiest man on Earth.
I never thought a beautiful, sane woman
could ever love me, but she did, and now I've lost her.
- Three quid, Nev.
Three quid.
- Oh, sorry. - That's all right.
- And they've hundreds and hundreds of products.
And they've over 20 members of staff, and huge signs, and massive writing,
saying what's on each aisle. And amazing deals.
- Yeah, three for two.
- No, four for three.
- Diamonds and pearls, four for three?
That's only for the Olympics and royal weddings.
- Well, we've got to fight back quick. - You're right, Daniel.
It is time to head into the danger zone.
We need to match them four for three.
- Or one better.
- You don't mean
five for four?
Let's do it. - Oh no.
- I'll get the signage ready straightaway.
- Thank you, Charlie, you did well.
- I did, didn't I?
- There are 500 children in Dilip's school.
Ooh, that's a funny name, isn't it, Dilip.
- Just read the question.
- Wait, I now think it's Phillip.
Oh, I am gonna need glasses on.
Oh, no it is, it's Dilip.
Ooh, it must be an Indian name.
- Margaret, for the love of, just...
- What percentage of the children in the class--
- Went to the zoo, 35%, yes, come on.
- What, she's not even read the question.
- It's intuition.
You just can't teach things like that.
- Have you looked at the answers in the back?
- Yes. - No.
- Oh (chuckles).
Right.
Ooh, and you're wrong,
Ooh, it's 45%.
- For crying out loud, Margaret.
- I'm sorry, Doctor Brian, I must've turned the wrong page.
- Hah!
That's 50 quid now (laughing).
- Oh, she really is clever, isn't she?
- Doh!
- Excuse me, sir, do we sell humble pie,
because I was wondering if you fancied eating some.
- Uh, maybe after I finish this lot.
- And is there such a thing as apology soup.
- No.
- That's a shame, that would've really helped
the joke I was planning.
- Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I should've believed in you. - Yes you should have.
Ooh, do we sell car alarms?
- Are you still looking for that joke? - No, no, it's a genuine question,
because over at Lauder they sell loads of car stuff,
and we don't sell any, so I feel like we're quite behind.
- When you say loads of car stuff...
- Number plates, tyres, lamps,
they even change your exhaust pipe while you wait.
- Where exactly did you go?
- To the big shop across the road.
- The one that says Lauder, not the one that says Helford's.
- There were two.
- You went to Helford's, didn't you? - I did, yeah, that's what I did, um...
- (sighs) You know that humble pie you were talkin' about?
- Yes, I'd love a slice, thank you.
♫ 212 men and a dog called Spot
♫ Went to mow a meadow
- Ah, Charlie feels really bad about this.
- Oh, yeah, it's probably for the best.
I mean, five for four.
What kind of world are we living in.
It's like Mad Max.
Mind you, it's great value from Helfer's.
I think I might pop by later on and pick up some car mats.
- Oh, Gavin, do you want to hear the rest of me story now?
- Uh, well, if it's all the same to you, Margaret,
we are rather busy.
- Hmm, that's a shame.
And I tried ever so hard to remember it.
- Oh, go on then, if you're quick.
- Oh, lovely (laughs).
So you remember that I bumped into Joan.
Joan from Runcorn, not-- - Yeah, yeah, quicker than that.
- And anyway it turns out
that Joan's sister works at Lauder.
- What?
- And she says, oh, and I hope I get this right,
Lauder have moved sundry essentials
to the front of the store to increase footfall
for the casual shopper whilst keeping sale items
at the back to ensure customers
pass by regularly priced items (giggles).
- Mom and Dad are going.
Anything you want to say to 'em?
- I'm not sure there's any point?
You've obviously made your mind up about me
and you're right, I am a 50-year-old, divorced
supermarket butcher, living in a bedsit
that's infested with ladybirds.
- Neville, that's not helping.
- What Neville means is, he's dead sorry about earlier.
He was really nervous, because he wants you to like him.
Yes, he is a penniless loser that no other girl
would touch with a barge pole,
but he really loves your Linda.
She's the best thing that's ever happened to him.
And I've never seen her so happy.
Give him a chance, eh.
- If Sue says you're all right, that's good enough for us.
- How 'bout we start again?
- I would love to.
It's great to meet you, Dave.
And it's lovely to meet you, Sheila.
Come 'ere, you.
- Oh.
- Oh, ooh, uh.
I didn't, I...
- Fancy to bar.
- Always.
- I've got 60 quid of Brian's.
- You've got 60, how'd you get that? - What's the capital of Latvia?
- Riga.
- Dammit!
- (laughs) Yes, hand his head to 'im.
Add that bloke Mary con Fairy.
- (laughs) God, I love you.
- Moving those essentials to the front of the store
has really paid off.
You have to hand it to Cheryl Fairweather, she's a retail genius.
- No, though, we're not actually that busy,
we're just back to normal.
- Ah, normal, the best word in the English language.
- Sorry again, Gavin, thanks for not sacking me.
- Ah-hah-hah-hah, don't mention it.
- Mind you, the last person who sacked me,
my dad locked 'em in a coffin for three days.
(slowly gasps) State of that poor woman's hair
when she finally crawled out.
(Gavin panting)
Hm-mm-mm-mm-mm?
- Oh, you trip along, you two, off home now.
- Only me (chuckles).
I feel terrible about putting you on the website.
It was just supposed to be a bit of fun.
Take this, no tricks this time.
- If I were to eat any of those things,
it would leave a very bad taste in my mouth.
- I see you've put sundry essentials to front of house.
Touche.
- Ah, touche and that.
- Oh, go on, take it, you've earned it.
(phone ringing)
- This hamper is full of substandard products
from an overpriced, arrogant supermarket (clears throat).
Have you got that there, Cheryl?
- (inhales) Yes, yes I have.
(theme music)
- Argh!