- Whatever.
(upbeat music)
- Look at there, you have sparkling wine.
Don't you think it's a bit flash?
- We need to do something, they're hammering us over there.
- Absolutely, yes, it's like stepping into Las Vegas.
- I've been to Vegas, it's not.
Anyway, it's just a strategy.
We go classy to counteract their low quality.
- Yes, that's good Daniel.
I suppose that sex sells and hopefully
be enough to impress Brendan when he arrives.
- Brendan O'Connor is coming?
- Oh yeah, he's got himself all worked up about the Lauda threat.
- He's gonna wanna see us do more than an offer on Bresecco.
- Oh Daniel, people like new things you know.
Take rap music.
Everything settles down in the end.
Now, Lauda could be good for us.
And I'm sure that Brendan, he understands that.
- You do remember he's insane?
- Yeah, there is that.
Just, just put out some smoke salmon.
Juj it up a bit.
- There was no sign of my pa.
There was no sign of nobody, just that old saddle.
- Really, your dad was gone?
- No Margaret, for the fifth time, I'm rehearsing here.
- I see, no I don't see what you're rehearsing for.
- I've got an audition after work.
I mean, nothing major just a local lamdram company,
but with my help they'll be nothing amateur about it.
- (laughing) I was in a play a couple of years ago.
My church put it on.
- Oh, what play was that?
- Seven.
- Seven?
- Yeah, Seven.
- An adaptation of the disturbing
psychological thriller starring Brad Pitt?
- Yeah, it was great fun.
There were me and six other women.
And then there were these seven brothers and we married them. (chuckling)
- I think you mean, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
The musical.
- Oh think you might be right.
There were some songs in it.
And at the end, my head was in a box.
- I forgot to have breakfast.
- So, you didn't say your dad was coming today.
Does he know about us?
- Yes and no. - What?
- He knows about us and that he's met us,
but he doesn't know we're going out.
- So, no then?
- He's just real funny about boyfriends.
One minute they're there, the next minute they vanish off the face of the earth.
- Okay, I don't think we should
tell him we're seeing each other. - Good thinkin' Batman.
Although, I will say I'm not very good at lying to him.
He always knows when something's up. - Just give it a try.
- Okay.
Do you want some cereal? - Um, no and you're dripping every where.
(yelling)
- Hello Gavin.
- Mr. O'Connor, god you almost gave me a heart attack.
- Good, because you need to give
yourself a little jolt, Gavin.
Get over here.
Move, get over here, look at this, look!
Another supermarket next to mine.
How could you let this happen?
- With all due respect, I'm not sure
how I could of stopped them building a supermarket.
- It's a war and in a war you do everything that you can.
When I only had one store Morrison's tried
to open up opposite me, but I wouldn't let them (mumbles).
I broke in there every morning.
I stripped to the waist and I fought the builders.
And eventually, they gave up.
I won.
So my question to you Gavin is
are you going to win this war?
- War?
That's a bit strong.
- Now I was thinking that we demolish their building, brick by brick.
Now, I got you started.
I pulled this out of the wall this morning.
- There's really no need to start stealing bricks.
- They're pulling your pants down, Gavin. They're pulling your little pants
and they're laughing at you!
- Could we just leave my pants out of this?
- No, no they are in it deeper than all the rest of us.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I should go over there, show them who's boss.
Just like I did at Morrison's!
- You absolutely shouldn't.
Yeah, or should I be like one of those
bulls in Spain running around wild!
(mumbles)
- Mr. O'Connor, let's sit down.
Let's take it easy.
You're working yourself up.
- You're right, I should stay here.
Yeah, you whip your shirt off and go and fight them.
- Why don't we just have a strategy meeting instead?
- Look at that.
- It's the hunger of youth, simple pleasure in a day's work.
- Shut up, Neville!
Look how fast she's going.
She's gonna have all that done in 10 minutes.
Back when I was a stacker, I'd make
a cage like that last me a day.
- Yes!
- I can't watch this.
Oy, get here.
Come on. (whistling)
New girl, what's your name? - Valco.
No, sorry, Heather, sir.
- You don't have to call me sir ... Actually, yeah stick with sir.
Now Heather, where's the fire?
- I don't know. (whimpering)
Think Heather, think.
- No Heather, I mean why are you going so fast?
- Oh, I had a really fast song in my head. - Shh, come on, come here, come to Colin.
Now Heather, you working so hard
makes the rest of us look rubbish.
- You take no notice Heather, there's nothing wrong with ...
Ow!
- Just reign it in, bring it in Heather.
Okay, I'm gonna teach you how to do it the right way.
My way.
- Wow, thank you so much for the opportunity.
- You don't have to write it down, just up here.
- But if I write it on my head, how will I read it?
- Oh Heather.
- Ow!
- What is it, ma?
- It's about your pa.
She sits down next to Billy.
- Oh no, you don't need to read that bit.
- Oops.
- Papa, awe shoot, he ain't takin'
me ridin' like he promised, is he?
- He ain't ridin' anywhere no more Billy, I'm afraid.
- Turn the page.
- Oh yeah, there's more.
Billy, I'm afraid your papa's dead.
Oh that's a shame.
- Papa. (dramatically crying)
How was that?
- Oh very good, yeah.
I like the laughing at the end. I didn't know it would of come with it.
- It's not, I was crying.
- In that case, you were terrible.
- Well don't pull any punches Margaret.
- Don't worry, I know just the thing to get you crying.
Boo!
(laughing)
- What are you doing?
- Oh no, that's for hiccups.
- Here, milk, six sugars.
Nobody leaves this meeting 'til we figure out
how we're going to fix those Lauda boogers.
- (chuckling) Let's hope I don't need the toilet.
- I've already got that covered.
- Hey babes, how are ya?
(kissing)
And Gavin, how are ya, babes?
(kissing)
- Charlie, sit down.
You can take the minutes.
- And what, sit next to Daniel, who I hate.
- Yeah right, reign it in a bit.
- There's your rump and your sausages, my love.
I've chucked in a couple of extra and a bone for the dog.
I won't say if you don't.
- Ham! (mumbles)
Now Heather, can you tell me what Neville did wrong?
- I thought he was amazing.
- Thank you, Heather.
- What is wrong with you? - I'm not very got at mass, I'm not
allowed sugar, and I used to start fires.
- See, Neville is useless.
Look at him.
All that niceness, waste of time.
You gotta remember, customers, they're not your friends.
- They could be though, couldn't they?
If we say, not got many friends in a village
it might be nice to make new friends.
- No, they're scum.
- Collin, I'm rather worried you may be undoing
some very good induction work.
- Alright Neville, if you interrupt my lesson
one more time, I will knock you clean out.
- Right you are, understood.
- See the best way to do this job Heather, is to do nothing.
- I don't understand, we're paid to work.
If we don't do the job we're paid to do then that's lying.
- Finally, she gets it.
- I can't lie.
Mom says lies are bad and pave the path to hell.
- Sod your mom.
- Yeah, soj her.
Sod you mom, I'm not nine anymore!
I want to watch The Apprentice, mom.
- Yeah, that's it.
Now, are you gonna do any work?
- No way summa bay.
- That's more like it.
Now you, you get out there, you do nothing.
- Yeah - yeah.
- I've got it! (laughing)
we plant horse meat in their burgers.
And then we inform environmental health.
It worked the last time.
- Wait, so the horse meat scandal, that was you?
- I fight dirty.
It's a shame though, I lost a lot of good horses.
- Wait, daddy is that what happened to Sunflower?
- No, no, not at all, no.
- Let's put murdering horses in the maybe pile, shall we?
- Why?
Have you got something better, you sissy?
- We slash the price of bread.
- Woah.
- I know it's extreme ...
(groaning)
Lauda's USP, they can undercut us on staples.
Now we implement this plan, we're in the driving seat.
- But is it aggressive enough?
I still think I should lay out a few of their trolley bars.
- I really rather you didn't.
- Okay, we do it your way.
I'll leave you to deal with this.
Oh yeah.
- Wow, it's true then, you're reducing bread.
- You breadda believe it.
(laughing) - That's hilarious.
That'll have the customers rolling in.
- Oh, very good.
- Well, I guess it's war then.
- Oh it's probably a bit more friendly rivalry.
- May the best non win.
- That's splendid, very sharp.
- Well, I better be getting back.
- Bugetting back.
(laughing)
(growling)
(laughing)
- That's not how you take minutes.
- Why, what's wrong with it?
- You just made a list, one minute, two minutes, three minutes.
All the way down to 20 minutes.
- Yeah, but that's how long the meeting took.
- I'll do it from memory later.
(Mr. O'Connor yelling)
You're dad's coming, just play it cool.
(Charlie groaning)
- I'm sitting here.
Anyone got a problem with that? - No.
- No, good.
Now, how is my little girl?
- Fine. - You're lying!
- I can see what's going on here.
You've lost your car haven't you?
- Actually, yes I have.
- It's okay, we'll get you another one.
Now, are you seeing anyone at the minute?
- No, I'm so super single right now.
- Great, cuz this bloke asked me if he could ask you out.
- What, moi?
- Some internet billionaire.
He came to me, I respect that.
So I told him I'd ask ya.
- Wow, that's amazing. And a billionaire, they're like the best.
- Charlie, maybe you wanna say no.
I don't know, maybe you just feel weird
being set up on a date by your dad.
- (scoffs) No, are you mad?
Set it up, daddy. (laughing)
(chuckling)
- I can assure you madam there's plenty of bread of (mumbles).
- I told you, all gone.
- I don't understand, where's all the bread going?
- Sod this, I'm off to Lauda.
- Get off your phone.
You must remember someone buying 90 loaves of bread.
- I don't know, I tend to sort of zone out on there,
cuz I can't be asked, you know.
- Come on Lisa, think.
- Yeah, I do remember him actually, because he was fit.
Fitter than Daniel.
I'd much rather have him as deputy manager.
You should try and swap Daniel for him.
- Swap him?
You know, with Lauda.
Cuz he's fit, fit as --
- Yeah, yeah, thank you Lisa, I understand.
An attractive man.
I can't believe it.
Lauda bought all our bread.
It's against the Geneva convention.
- What?
- This is an announcement to reassure all Valco customers that we still have
all your favourite staples available.
Everything from milk to eggs, except bread.
But who needs bread anyway.
- We still got pita breads, sir.
- They're laughing at us, Gavin.
They got our pants down and they are laughing at us over there.
- I'd like to see (mumbles) they would all laugh at this.
- They've got a banner up over
there saying Valco is out of bread.
They're even selling our bread to their customers.
And I'll tell you something else Gavin,
it's a hell of a lot busier over there than it is here.
Thank god we managed to get these.
- Not more bricks.
- Well, at least I'm trying to do something, Gavin.
But you know what I'd really like to do with these, Gavin, do you?
I'd like to put your balls between
them and I'd like to smash them. (yelling)
Is that what you want?
- I really, really do not want you to do that, Mr. O'Connor.
- Well then do something!
- No, the onion's not working.
Let's try the sinus rub again.
Careful Margaret.
Underneath the eyes, underneath.
That's it, there we go.
- I still think that my way is better
cuz that's just writing up what everyone said.
It's got nothing to do with the minutes. - Yeah, I guess my way is rubbish.
Probably be much better if I was some loaded tech guy.
- Oh are you jealous?
That's so cute.
- Of course I'm jealous.
You're going on a date with someone else.
- What could I do?
It's not like daddy really gave me much choice.
Anyways, it's just one date, on a yacht,
with the Kings of Leon playing live.
- It's the principle.
We shouldn't have to sculk around.
I'm just as good as this millionaire. - Billionaire.
- Doesn't matter.
You know what, to hell with it. I'm gonna tell your dad about us.
- I don't really think that's a good idea.
- He'll respect the truth.
Yeah, I'm doing it.
- Wait.
- What was that for?
- In case you don't come back.
- Hang on Margaret, wait, look, it's working.
Look, a tear.
- Oh brilliant.
Now say the line.
- Papa.
- Again, sadder.
- Papa.
- Again!
- Stop hitting me. - Sorry.
- Papa.
Ow, it stings.
It's burning.
Quick Margaret, get the eye wash. Oh they're killing me, quick!
- Is this it?
- I don't know, I can't see.
(groaning)
- Mr. O'Connor.
You might not like this, but Charlie won't be
going on that date because she already has a boyfriend.
Me.
- You're seeing my little girl?
- Yeah.
- My daughter? - Yes.
- Do you like her?
- Yeah, I do.
- Are ya using protection?
- Um, yeah?
- Show me.
(stuttering)
- Brilliant, you're still alive.
- Young David here tells me that
you two are seeing each other.
- Actually, it's Daniel. - Shut up, David!
- Sorry, sorry, David's fine, David ...
- Alright Charlie, are you two an item?
- Yes, father.
- Brilliant!
Couldn't be happier for you.
- Really?
- Oh yeah, yeah, finally a normal boyfriend
and not another one of those chinless wonders.
- So you're not angry? - Not at all.
Look at him, look at him, look.
Look at those eyes.
He's all athletic too.
So you have some punch under there, son?
Tell you what, here, hit me in the stomach hard as you can.
Come on, do it, do it.
- I'd rather not.
- I respect that so damn much.
God I love him.
Charlie, don't you dare break his heart.
- Oh yes, that's what I like to see.
Full cage going back here.
Joanna, you're a natural slacker.
- Yes, in your face mom.
It's great as well. Because I've been slacking off so much,
I've had loads of extra time to do
all the other jobs Daniel asked for. - What?
- Yeah, I've reorganised the magazines, done a stock take on kitchen supplies --
- Wait, no that's work!
- Is it? - Yes.
- Do you know what, forget it.
I can't work with you.
You are literally untrainable.
- Oh, can we still be friends?
- Mm-m.
- Neville, can we be friends?
- Of course, Heather.
- No, keep walking.
(groaning)
- Excuse me, where's pasta?
- Oh, she is good though.
See that? - Yes.
- I know, I know, he's useless.
We need not worry about him.
I know where his parents live if I ever need to teach him a lesson!
- Sorry, were you talking about me?
I couldn't help hearing the word "parents".
- 15% down on yesterday.
We should of done this my way and that way that place will be up in flames
and this place will be full of customers.
- I'd like to think we'd be helping them with their evacuation.
- You might.
- I hope you don't mind me popping by, but I heard you were out of bread.
That offer literally flew off the shelves. (giggling)
- Who the hell are you?
- Cheryl Fairweather, Lauda, Warrington manager.
- Cheryl, that stunt with the bread, it was ...
Frankly, it was underhand.
Selling our bread to Lauda customers, it's terrorism.
- No, it's just pita rivalry.
- You can't bread pun your way out of this, you know.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Anyway, it wasn't really my idea.
I got it from a retail genius, Brendan O'Connor.
- What?
- Pancake Day, 1996.
- Oh the egg walk.
(laughing)
Me and Toby Pound from (mumbles)
- An inspirational move.
You made him lower his prices, you bought all his eggs, you sold them at a profit.
- Tobey never stood a chance, did he?
I crushed him and then someone ran him over.
The look on his face.
I'm impressed.
- Thank you so much, that's really lovely of you.
- Well if you two are quite finished.
- Oh, I really fancy a snack.
- Oh, I love it, she's eating the bread.
Your bread.
Right in your face.
(coughing)
You okay?
- Sorry, I just need ...
- Right, now I'll be off.
- Oh now, she's a firecracker.
She's amazing.
You know what, I kinda hope she
puts this store out of business.
- What?
- I guess you'll be pleased anyway.
I wasn't going to fire you and destroy your house,
but now I want to see how this fight plays out.
- I'm not going to the audition, acting's too painful.
- They're never (mumbles) anyway, these actors.
And they're always being chased by the pepper army.
- Paparazzi.
- Oh. (laughing)
(smooth music)
(upbeat music)