- Whatever.
(rock music)
♫ Throw the gas
♫ Spin the wheel
♫ Take a chance on me baby
♫ I'm a real big deal
♫ Joker in the past
♫ Ace in the hole
♫ Double dealing baby
♫ Got me out of control
♫ I always play
- Powers of Greyskull!
- And who may I ask is Michelle?
- Micheal.
- And who may I ask is Micheal?
- It's just a friend.
- Ooh, it's be nice to meet him,
it would be nice to meet any of your friends actually,
- They all live in London, I told you.
- I've introduced you to all my friends, and my father.
You keep everything hidden,
you're like one of those little closed paper thingies.
- A book?
- Exactly, I mean I don't even know your surname.
- It's Wilson, I've told you loads of,
it's on my name badge.
- Oh I'm sorry I'm late Gavin,
I've had the most awful weekend.
- Nothing too bad I hope?
- I'm afraid so.
- Oh gosh, it's not Alan is it?
- Yes, the neighbours have put up a trellis.
- Is that it?
- I've never seen Alan so angry,
he spent all day Sunday staring at a wall.
- Well yes, we've got a bit of a neighbour problem ourselves,
as you can see.
- Well like what?
- Have you not seen the lorry?
- What lorry?
- That lorry.
- I can't see anything with a big picture of a
cow in the way.
- No the big picture of the cow is on the lorry.
- I knew there was something different,
we haven't got a cow in here have we?
- No, no.
- We haven't got a cow in here have we?
- I'm just gonna ring Cheryl.
- You're thinking about this all wrong Gavin.
- What?
- Use your enemy's tactics against them,
you don't need to move it,
just turn it on them.
They've concealed your entrance,
you need to conceal their lorry.
- What on earth could I use to hide a huge truck?
- Easy, an even bigger truck.
- Couldn't you just take an early lunch or something Ian?
- Mmm, mmm.
I'm sorry sweetheart, totally forgot you were waiting.
What do you want.
- I asked for a sausage roll.
- Just ran out, just ran out.
- Gavin, I am so sorry.
- I want you to move that truck AS as possible.
- The driver's disappeared,
I've been trying to ring his mobile, but he's not picking up,
I really am so sorry.
Live milking display today with massive dairy discounts.
- What do you think you're doing?
- While I'm here I might as well let people know,
I promise not to milk it.
- Just, just, I want you to move that truck.
- What move it, or mooove it?
(laughs)
Okay, Ill call the driver.
I mean I'll call the driver again.
Oh no I've left my mobile in the office.
Ill be back in a tick.
- Oh, that woman!
- Hiya!
- Oh, thank god, I thought you were Daniel for a moment.
- What possibly gave me away?
- The face mainly.
- What are you up to?
- I'm trying to find out what Daniel's secret is,
so I typed Daniel Wilson in.
- Tenuous were a ten piece boy band who
were kicked out at the judges houses stage in X-Factor.
(hip-hop)
(both laugh)
- Look at the guy on the left, it looks a lot like Daniel.
- Exactly like Daniel, same nose same eyes,
same entire face and body.
- Oh my god Katie, we found out what Daniel's secret is.
He's got a twin brother.
- No, no
that actually is Daniel, he's in the band.
- Oh my Actual God.
- Alright,
this jars got a crack in it, can I get a refund?
- You can get whatever you like my darling.
- Oh no, we're not meant to give out, Carl?
- Wow. Linda?
- Do you two know each other then?
- Yeah, we went out.
- Wow.
From that to,
- Hello.
- You're looking amazing.
- I'm Linda's--
- Thanks, you do too.
- You old charmer.
- Right here my love,
but yes, yes, you do look remarkably well toned.
- Yeah, thanks, I train a lot,
cage fighting these days.
- Look at those arms.
Can I touch one?
- Sue!
Can I?
- Course you can.
I always liked the way you touched me.
- I'm still here.
- Was that supposed to be a wink?
- Yeah it's a double wink, because I can't do a single one.
Look.
- What are you double winking about? - I know.
The video with the singing and the band.
♫ We're Tenuous
♫ There's ten of us
♫ We're gonna get little
- You have you shown?
- No one, I've been too busy,
I watched it like 35 times already,
and I went on Ebay and bought the CD twice.
- Well don't show it to anyone.
You know what they're like, I'll never live it down.
- I promise, I won't tell a soul.
Hey sir, would you like to see my boyfriend dancing?
The answer is yes.
- Colin, I want to ask you something,
and I want you to be completely honest with me.
- Alright, yes, I borrowed your credit card,
I bought some trainers, its not a crime Neville.
- No, no, it's not that,
although I have to say I really do admire your honesty.
No, no, do you think I'm tough enough?
(laughs)
It's just I see the way that Linda talks to
that Paul fellow and,
- Yeah well, it's obviously isn't it?
She fancies him.
Girls love bad boys, George Micheal,
Cage fighters, me.
The thing with you Neville, you're not tough enough.
- Oh I don't know I can be pretty damn tough sometimes.
I did just buy trainers, I bought a suit.
I bought this chain.
I bought a toaster.
I bought a hammock.
- Again, I really have to praise your honesty.
- IT's just, everyone is tougher than you Neville.
Everyone.
Ian, Lisa, Harry, Margaret.
- Oh well, right.
- Or, do you know what,
I can make you tougher than any cage fighter.
Have you ever seen Rocky, Nev - No.
- No, right, punch these.
- Isn't that rather unhygienic.
- Neville you punch them or someone else will,
or that Paul's gonna come back and swipe Linda from you.
- No, no, no.
- Go on, punch it, that's it.
Go on champ, that's it punch.
Now close your eyes.
- Ouch!
- Never close your eyes Neville, lesson number one, makes you look weak.
- Right.
- Now, I'm gonna have to keep these,
because we can't use them now.
Right mate, what are you after?
- It's frustrating,
but you gotta admire Cheryl Fairweather's gumption.
- Okay, I will, sorry.
- No I mean the old feint and jab,
you reel them in with the milking display and
then you hit them with the dairy sales.
She really is quite a woman.
- Why would anyone want to go out and see a
milking display when they could just do it at home.
- Most people don't have cows at home Helen.
- Of course they do,
how else would they get their milk?
- Well they'd buy it here hopefully.
- You don't have any cows do you?
Oh you are the joker of the pack Mr Gavin sir.
- IS this the right place for the cow milking?
- No it most certainly isn't
- Only I've got this cow for you.
(cow mooing)
- Ah right, Katie,
I've done something rather rash, and I need your help.
- Okay.
- I've stolen a cow.
- Are you gonna expand on that, or?
- I'm still in shock actually,
listen I need you to go to petty cash,
I need you to go out and buy as much straw as
you can lay your hands on, some sort of bucket,
and one of those tiny little stools.
- Can I ask why?
- We're gonna have a live milking event right here in ValCo.
- Oh, okay.
- And just get a receipt, we may be at war,
but it's no excuse for bad accounting.
- I don't trust this thing.
Sit.
I prefer them when they're cooked.
- Well we could hardly leave her on the shop floor,
imagine the shock.
- Oh Gavin, I'm gonna have to go on me lunch break,
it's all got horribly out of hand with Alan and
Stewart next door.
- Nothing too serious I hope.
- Oh it's very serious.
Alan's flipped, he says he's gonna get his
strimmer out and hang the consequences,
I've got to get it all sorted before the
police get involved.
What are you two doing here anyway.
- We're concealing a cow Margaret.
- Oh right, well ta ra.
- I'm just gonna have to go and sort something out.
You gonna be alright with this. - Oh yeah, fine, fine.
- I'm charging you for the cleaning of this.
- just superb.
Katie, listen, listen, before you go,
now all we need is a sort of dairy product sale sign.
- I can't remember this being in my job description.
- Listen don't worry about the mess, I'll sort it.
(cow mooing
oh!
Why did he do that?
- Don't they have machines for this? - Machines, this is a proper prison tat.
The best 50 quid you'll ever spend.
- Are you sure it won't hurt?
- OF course not, but just in case, bite this.
- Right.
- Right, so what you want is Linda,
with a love heart around it.
Are you sure you don't want a panther? - Quite sure.
- Or what about your mum on a panther, so it's (roars)
- No panthers.
- You got no class Nev.
Okay, let's go.
(muffled moaning)
(laughs)
(screams in pain)
- Hello Gavin.
- It's just a bucket. - What?
- This, it's nothing.
- You seem very agitated Gavin, is everything alright?
- I'm not the one in the wrong super market,
have you lost something?
- What would I have lost? - I don't know you tell me.
- What are you doing with those.
- Oh this, oh no, I'm so terribly tired.
Oh, sometimes I need to sit down.
- Well why don't you just use your office?
- No I like to be on the shop floor with the kids,
and the hustle and the bustle.
You should try it.
- Gavin!
- Gain I've got--
(scat singing)
- Oh Katie,
I just do so love our sing-a-longs,
there's no time for that now, get back to work.
- You are up to something Gavin Strong.
But you know I do quite like those improvisational jazz scat-a-longs,
I might try that with my own staff actually.
♫ Lap a lay do.
(laughs)
- Neville what happened.
- Colin gave me a bit of a tattoo.
- You what?
- A tattoo?
Why would Colin give you a tattoo?
- I thought you'd like it if I was a bit tougher.
- Oh Nev, me and Paul broke up for a reason,
I don't want a tough guy,
I've had tough guys before. - Thank you.
- Seriously, there was this one boxer that would life me up with his--
- Thank you Linda.
- Go on let's see it then.
- What is it?
- IT's an L.
- But its on your right arm.
- It's an L for Linda, only it hurt,
so I didn't get the inda.
- IT's weeping quite badly.
- Neville you are tough,
how many times have you fractured your pelvis?
- Four.
- And broken your toes? - 12 last count.
- Exactly, you are the toughest guy I know and I love you.
- Ouch!
(women laugh)
- You like eggs then?
- I need the protein.
I'm cage fighter.
- Really?
Maybe Ill come to see you fight some time.
- I'll give you my number.
just in case you need anything.
- Cheers.
- Ho, ho, ho.
Wow, what was that?
- Cage fighter, gave me his number.
- (laughs) Oh, cage fighter?
Really Lisa.
- What?
- Real men don't need cages to fight.
They're just freaks with mashed up faces,
probably had that many steroids, his balls look like little peanuts,
like little dry roasted peanuts.
I reckon I could batter him one handed.
- Come one then. - Ahh.
- Let's se you try.
- [Lisa] (laughs) Go on then.
- What are you watching? - Nothing!
Okay, okay, don't go on, I'll tell you, but it has to stay strictly between us.
Daniel was in a band.
Look.
- Yeah, if that was me,
I'd want to keep it a secret and all.
- I used to be a dancer.
I was a ballet prodigy.
(laughs)
no seriously,
it was the hardest decision I ever had to make,
but the pull of security was and is too strong.
It never leaves you though.
- Go on then, show us.
- No, I couldn't,
well alright, I could probably still knock out a pirouette.
- Come on Colin, hit him!
- Shut up Lisa.
- Not so gobby now are you pal.
Been a while since I picked on someone so tiny.
But it's goo to keep your hand in.
- I think you should probably unhand my
colleague and leave now.
- Or what?
- Oh, I hadn't thought that far.
- Would you prefer it if I hit you.
- Yes, actually,
yes if you really feel the need to hit
someone to prove how manly you are,
then hit me.
Go on.
Do your worst,
your best,
worst.
Oh no.
- You got lucky.
- Thank you.
See ya.
Thank you Neville for stepping up,
because I was gonna batter him.
- Ouch!
Me tattoo.
- I can't believe we did it, and so quickly.
A milking display and a dairy product sale from scratch,
I mean it must go down in some kind of retail history,
if we didn't have to keep it so quiet.
Actually can you just go and keep an eye out for
any sign of Cheryl,
and I'll just kick things off.
- Yes, anything to get away from that cow.
- Unfair.
- Right roll up, roll up,
come and see the wonder of nature,
never before has a supermarket offered you milk this
fresh from the source, although we won't be selling this
exact milk because of health and safety regulations.
Now while you're with the live milking display by
ValCo's very own heather,
I would encourage you to make use of our
very special dairy product offers,
so take it away Heather.
(Heather sings happily)
(laughs)
- How's me little pop star.
- Fine as long as you haven't shown anyone else that video.
- Of course I haven't.
- Hey,
love it.
- I may have gotten a little over excited and
shown it to a couple of people,
well eight, but apart from that and no one else I promise.
♫ We're tenuous,
♫ There's ten of us
♫ Things are gonna get a little dangerous.
- Apart from Harry,
and I may have accidentally have sent it to the
entire ValCo emailing list.
- I'm the assistant manager of this store,
the staff are supposed to respect me, not laugh at me,
you've made me look like an idiot.
- I think your lyrics did that.
- It's not funny.
Unlike you, I actually need this job.
- Oh, it's Margaret, isn't it?
- Oh hello love.
Oh I've had a day.
Oh I've been back and forth, I've had trellis up and down,
and in the end I just snapped,
and I told them I said sit down, say your sorry,
otherwise I'm locking that strimmer away.
- Okay, well you seem like an overly honest type of person,
somebody who'd tell me the truth.
- Well that lipstick is a bit much.
- Duly noted, thank you.
But it's not that.
Have you seen anything strange around here today?
- Oh yes. - Really?
- Well there's Daniel's funny dance.
- Right.
- And then there's two for one on the plasters over
at the pharmacy, not that is not normal.
- Okay, I'm going to get back.
- Oh, and Gavin's over there milking a great big cow.
- You just have to squeeze nice and tight on the udders.
- Oh, I knew it!
You've stolen my cow,
that is basically shoplifting. - Don't you dare accuse me of shoplifting.
- Well I call it as I see it. - Well I'm surprised you can see anything
through that massive truck outside.
- Well I am surprised you had time to
steal her what with working a rubbish supermarket.
- Take that back.
Like customers take things back to Lauder.
- You're only cheating because you are not a good manager.
- That's below the belt.
- That is enough.
I've had it up to here with all this grief.
IT's like being in a war zone.
You'll be putting up trellis next.
- Trellis? - Best not to ask.
- Now Gavin, can you say you're sorry for
blocking here view with that sign.
- Ah, I,
- And you, will you stop being so
careless with your strimmer.
- I don't know what you're talking about, but I am sorry.
- I've been unhinged Cheryl.
Please forgive me.
- Oh we were both in the wrong Gavin.
Truce?
- Truce.
- Good.
Now can somebody tell me what on earth that
cow is doing in here?
- Oh it's you.
- Are you okay?
- No, I'm a bad girlfriend.
- I'm sorry, it's just, I was embarrassed,
and I thought you done it on purpose.
- No I just didn't want you hiding anything from me,
and when I saw it I loved it so much I
just wanted to show everyone else.
- I know I should have just told you in the first place.
IS there anything I can do to make it up to you?
- Well,
you could do the dance.
- (laughs) No, no, I really can't.
- Oh please.
- Alright, just this once, but you can never,
never, never ask me again.
- Okay guide's honour.
- I'm pretty sure that is not the girl guide's salute.
♫ Oh, oh, oh
♫ Oh, ho
- Don't mind me.
- Okay no, I'm not doing it.
- No Daniel, please,
please, please, please.
- Alright, but no laughing okay?
- Definitely no laughing.
♫ Oh, wow, oh
♫ We're tenuous
♫ There's ten of us
♫ Things are gonna get dangerous
♫ Because we're tenuous
(laughing and clapping)
- Well I look forward to seeing you tomorrow Mr Strong.
- That'll certainly be a lot easier now that
lorry has been removed.
- Better for your walk round.
(light rock music)
(inspiring jingle)