- Whatever.
- It really is a wonderful display here, Heather.
Can you just talk me through your strategy?
- Sale products must be arranged with bright,
primary colours to the full to catch the eye
of the passing consumer.
- The rainbow retail method.
I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.
- I got the idea from the Valco Manager's Handbook.
- Oh, I didn't know we were giving out management handbooks to staff.
- I took yours from your bedside table when you were asleep.
- You what?
Oh, very good, yes.
You had me going there for a minute.
- Eh-uh, eh-uh.
(laughs)
Gotcha.
- Yeah, you did.
- So, I have finished moving all of the dairy-free.
I'll have the gluten-free all done by the end of the day
because I know how you like it when I do exactly what you've asked.
- Okay, thanks.
- Then we can get away in time for Daddy's party.
Oh, by the way, don't forget your swimming trunks.
- I thought it was black tie. - Yeah, it is, until Daddy gets drunk
and ends up in the swimming pool. Uh-oh.
(laughs)
If he holds your head under the water for ages,
do not cry cause he'll only do it again.
- Huh, lucky man, there, Daniel.
You know I've never been invited
to one of Brendan O'Connor's legendary parties.
Every year I wait, but that golden fax, it never arrives.
- Better get my trunks then, I suppose.
- Oh, no, cheer up, Daniel.
An invite to the O'Connor mansion,
you'll be on the Valco Board in next to no time.
- Um, Heather, what are you doing?
- I saw Charlie do it.
I thought that's what you were supposed to do.
- No, it's not.
- Oh, sorry.
- Okay, you can move your hand now.
- I'm doing a whip-round for Sue's birthday.
- Oh, to be in my thirties again.
- No, that's Linda.
This is for Sue.
- Oh, I always get them two muddled.
- Sue's got dark hair, and Linda's blond
and goes out with Neville. - She goes out with Neville?
Now, you're pulling my leg.
Oh, sorry Neville.
- No, no, it's fine.
I get it all the time.
- You know, I never know what to write on cards.
- [Katie] Brian, do you wanna-- - Before you ask, I won't be signing that.
I can't put my name on anything but a medical prescription.
- It's only a birthday card.
- What happens when someone gets hold of it
and puts 200 milligrammes of methadone next to my signature?
Pretty soon, that "only a birthday card" becomes
a blank check for a junkie.
- Has that ever happened? - No, because I don't sign birthday cards,
or Christmas cards, bereavement cards if I have to,
but then I insist on the card being buried with the body.
- Oh, come on Margaret, think.
- Why don't you just put, "Happy Birthday, Sue.
"Love, from Margaret"?
- You are funny, Katie.
(laughs)
Now, don't rush me.
- Morning, Gavin.
- Oh, good morning, there, Cheryl. How are you today?
- To be honest, I'm a bit discombobulated.
I've just noticed that I'm wearing my Friday blouse,
and it's actually Thursday.
- You know, I know exactly how you feel.
Yesterday, I wore my Tuesday tie, and it was, in fact,
Wednesday. - Wednesday.
- And, it really was.
- Anyway, now that the war between us is over,
and we've ceased hostilities--
- Laid down our arms. - Withdrawn our tanks.
- Notified the United Nations of, well you get the idea.
So, what were you saying?
- In the spirit of our truce, I just thought
I'd pop over and let you know that we're starting a car washing service next week.
- Oh, well that should be fine as long as we don't get any of the residue.
Right, I'd better get on.
- Yes, yes.
- Oh, these blasted wheels.
- Oh, stand aside.
I am a dead pan with a wayward wheel.
Now--
- Now, that is a sight for sore eyes.
- Gavin Strong.
- No, dear god, no.
I meant the wheel lodge going into the housing.
- Of course you did.
Oh, Gavin.
- Hiya.
Oh, gosh.
- Well, anything you want to say?
- Yeah, last night was too funny.
Me and Nev got totally hammered.
- I meant anything about today.
- I passed out spread eagled on the bed, and poor Nev had to sleep in the bath.
Do you know what he said to me?
- That today is a special day for a certain someone?
- Every day with me is like a gift.
- Like a gift you might give someone on their birthday?
- This lasagna's got a weird, metally taste to it.
I think it's off.
- Oh, I do apologise, madam. I'll sort you out a refund right away.
- You sometimes get a metal taste in your mouth
when your pregnant.
- I'm not pregnant.
- I know.
I was just saying.
It's gonna be one of them days, mate.
- One of them special days you only get once a year.
- Yeah, that's what I meant.
- Unbelievable.
- You.
Daddy just rang. The puddling pool has arrived.
- I thought you had a full size swimming pool.
- Yeah, this is for the mud wrestling.
He wants you and him to try it out before the party.
- Your dad wants me to wrestle with him in the mud?
- Yes, he must really, really like you.
Oh, oh.
- Oy, Nev.
- Yeah, Cole.
- Right, do you know what I'd do if I was
(whistles) with the boss' daughter?
- Ooh, take her out to supper. - No.
- Visit her National Trust property. - Do you want to shut up, Neville?
- Right.
- Gentlemen, here are your rotors for next week.
Any problems, just let me know.
- Right, do you know what I'd do if I was
going out with the boss' daughter?
I would, I'd have a hammock in Gavin's office.
I'd have a desk made out of Monster Munch.
- Yeah, well, I'm not you, and I don't
need anything from Charlie's dad.
- Alright, yeah.
What, you're going out with Charlie
for her good looks and her winning personality?
- Yeah.
- What a personality it is.
- Would the both of you just get back to work, please?
- We're having a whip-round for Sue's birthday.
Do you want to sign the card and add to the collection?
- I'm a bit busy now, but yeah, I'll do it later.
- Okay.
- Happy to sign.
- Contribution.
- Put the fiver back, Colin.
And the other one. - Oh, for god's sake.
- [Katie] Thank you.
- I'm so sorry again, Gavin.
I don't know my own strength sometimes.
I've got arms like a docker.
It's all those years of lifting crates.
- They do say that a supermarket manager
has the muscle tension of an Olympic rower.
- Well, it's played havoc with my hands,
got skin like sandpaper.
- Oh, nonsense.
You've got the skin of a woman at least one,
possibly two years younger than you actually are.
- Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
- I see you're making a compression wrap using the figure of eight technique.
- St. John Ambulance Residential Course
of Runcorn 1997.
- That was the golden year for first aid.
I was class of '99 myself.
To be honest, we were always in your shadow.
Do you remember RICE?
- Rest, ice, compression, elevation.
- That's in my top five acronyms, that.
- Oh, taneetatickerum.
What?
- Oh, it's nothing.
I feel like that myself sometimes.
- Well, I guess we're both passionate people.
- You should use Pro Packs gauze
to wrap around the tendon.
(laughs)
(hums tune to For He's a Jolly Good Fellow)
- Oh god, I can't believe I forgot.
- Finally.
- Hayspice Betty's pushing some hair spray.
Neville's giving me a jar at his place. Don't know what that means, though,
cause he's only got one jar.
He says he'll keep his stuff on the draining board.
He already uses that as a bedside table.
- I can't believe you've forgotten.
- Oh, it's alright.
I'll buy it all at lunch.
- Excuse me.
You know the Valco lasagna?
- Yeah.
- Is it meant to have these in it?
- It looks like flakes of metal
must've come off the machine in the factory.
You know what this means, Daniel? - Product recall.
- Then we have no other option but to open the emergency folder.
Go to the section marked Catastrophic Stroke
Alarming Situation.
- Daniel, if you're reading this,
then I have been involved in a fatal accident,
natural disaster, or I'm on annual leave.
- Page 37, yellow tab.
- Product recall.
Alright, got it.
I'll get cracking on this. Are you gonna be okay here?
- Oh yes, I should think so. You know, you have to hand it to Cheryl.
The craftsmanship on this bandage is second to none.
She really is a marvel.
- Well, the good news is only units of the dodgy lasagna have been sold.
I'll get the rest off the shelves.
- And, I'll phone Cheryl.
- Cheryl?
- I mean head Cheryl.
I mean head office.
Slip of the tongue.
- Oh, what, all of them?
- Every single one of them, and you can
leave them in the loading bay exit for the head office to collect.
- But, after that, I have to go and pick up
the cake for Daddy's party.
It's got this massive photo in the middle. - Oh, let me guess, of him.
- No, imagine.
Of you.
(phone rings)
- Hello, Daniel Wilson.
Ah, Mrs. Edmunds, thank you for calling back.
It's just I noticed from your loyalty card
that you bought a box of Valco's Own lasagna today.
Okay, you finish up here. I need to deal with this.
- Eh, okay.
(phone rings)
Oh.
- [Daniel] Yeah, let me get a pen, and I'll take his number.
- Hello?
Oh, brilliant, yes. I'll be out in a minute.
Thank you.
Heather.
- Yes, Miss Valco.
- My car has arrived, so I need you
to do something for me.
- It would be an honour, Miss Valco.
- [Katie] Any inspiration yet, Margaret?
- Oh, no, Katie, love, I still can't
think of anything.
- Ah, writer's block.
Poison to the creative mind.
It sometimes visits me when I'm writing
for Pharmacist's Monthly.
Yes, I know what you're thinking.
- I hope Brian doesn't band on about Pharmacist's Monthly.
- Why didn't they print my last article,
Factual Errors Made By the Artist
Formerly Known as Prince?
- Quick as you can, Margaret.
- [Brian] Number one, doves do not cry.
- Just think of anything.
What is the first thing that comes into your head?
- Supermarket.
- Number two, purple rain is not--
- Will you just let Margaret think?
- Ooh, maybe I should draw a great big cactus
like Colin's done.
- That's not a cactus.
- Put them by the exit for collection by head office.
Put them by the exit for collection by head office.
(knock on door)
- Come in.
- Only me.
How you feeling?
- Oh, well, my earlobes are pulsating from the slightly raised blood pressure.
But, apart from that, I'm pretty comfortable, actually.
- Oh, good.
Well, I assumed you wouldn't make it down
to the canteen, so I brought you something from our deli.
- Oh, how very kind.
- Ta dah.
- That is a magnificent quiche Lorraine.
- It's Cheryl, actually.
- Oh.
(both laugh)
- Come on, up you get.
Uh, there we go.
Uh, there you are.
There we go, I've got you.
Does it hurt?
- You're bandage is first rate.
It really is.
Oh.
- Oh.
Dear.
We're in a bit of a pickle.
- Yes, we sure are, aren't we?
- Are those keys in your back pocket?
- Oh, yeah, I think they are.
- Yeah, digging into my thigh bone. - Oh, sorry.
- Where have you been?
- I told you.
I went to the shop to get the cake. Don't worry, I cancelled it.
I got these penguins instead.
- Why aren't the lasagnas in the loading bay like I asked?
- Heather.
Heather?
- Yes, Miss Valco.
- Why aren't the lasagnas in the loading bay like I asked?
- Why would they be in the loading bay like I asked?
- You put the lasagna containing metal flakes
underneath the sign saying everything must go.
- I sure did.
- Don't mind if I do.
Money's a bit tight this month, so.
- They're contaminated, Neville. - Right, right.
As I say, money's a bit tight.
- Just get back to work.
- You're the boss, and, might I say, a very good one--
- Now.
- I'm very, very, very sorry.
- It's okay, Heather. It's not your fault.
- No, it's society's.
- No, it's yours.
You should've done as I asked. This is a total nightmare.
- Would now be a good time to-- - No, it wouldn't, Heather.
- Just chill your boots, Danny boy. I'll sort it out.
- Who are you ringing? - My dad.
He's brilliant in these sort of situations.
One time, I crashed my car into an ambulance--
- You can't just ring your dad every time something goes wrong.
You have to take responsibility for yourself.
- I sent the paramedics some flowers.
Well, Daddy's PA did, but still.
- Forget it.
I'll deal with this myself.
I don't need anyone's help, least of all your dad's.
(sighs)
- Thank you, Heather. It's actually quite relaxing.
- Right, Margaret, I'm gonna give you 10 seconds
to sign Sue's birthday card.
Otherwise, I'm gonna sign it for you.
- Technically, that's illegal. It's identity theft.
- 10, nine, eight, seven--
- What's the name of that fella? The funny one with the hair?
- Ken Dodd?
- Nicholas Witchel, that's it.
- What's he got to do with the card?
- Nothing.
It's just that my mind wanders when I'm under pressure.
- Margaret, do you want to sign the card or not?
- I know exactly what I'm going to put.
- [Katie] Fine.
- Oh, happy birthday.
- It's not my birthday.
- I told you, Margaret, it's Sue's birthday, not Linda's.
- Oh god, it's Sue's birthday.
- Ooh, better start again.
- Were you on the till, too?
- Yeah, as a stock boy, '86.
Back then, you had to key in the prices,
none of this scanning lark.
Cashiers today, they don't know.
- Yup, I used to be 90 KPM.
- 90 keys per minute?
Talk about Speedy Gonzalez. (laughs)
I mean Speedy Tillzalez.
- That's exactly what my manager used to call me.
That, and big boobs.
- No, that is just really
completely inappropriate. - Completely inappropriate.
- My wife, Barbara, she used to say "jinx"
every time we spoke at the same time.
So, so funny.
I wasn't allowed to speak until she said my name three times.
Sometimes, I'd spend entire weekends in silence.
- I've never thought of myself as the marrying type,
but recently, I'm beginning to wonder that maybe
I just haven't found the one.
Well, I'd better get back to work.
I could always pop back later if you like.
Give you a lift home?
- No, no, I wouldn't want to put you to any bother.
- No, no, no, I don't mind. I'd like to, unless, of course,
you feel that it's inappropriate.
- No, no, why would I think it's inappropriate?
No, no, all we have is a healthy, mutual
respect for retail.
Nothing more, at least as far as I'm concerned.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, me too.
- That reminds me of a funny story actually.
- Better get back to work.
- I'm so sorry, mate.
I totally forgot it was your birthday.
These are for you, and I booked you in
for a massage after work.
- Aw, cheers.
Come here.
- I'm so sorry.
How about we go for some birthday drinks afterwards, on us.
- Us?
- Yes, our treat, well, Linda's.
The cash machine ate my card, so.
- Maybe you should stay home, then, and save Linda a bit of cash.
- No, no, no, I insist.
After all, you're only 60 once.
- I'm 52.
- No, Mr. Collins, loyalty cards are not for spying.
It's to help us know what our customers like
so we can serve you better.
In this instance, it's helped us identify
that you bought some of Valco's Own brand lasagna.
Yeah, and like I said, if you just bring it back
at your convenience, you'll get a full refund.
Okay, thank you.
(Charlie laughs) What are you doing?
- I'm taking responsibility. It's a metal detector.
- Yeah, I know what it is.
- I thought I could help you detect
who's eaten the metal lasagnas.
You don't like my idea, do you?
- Charlie, I've got another 33 customers to get through.
I've really got to go.
- Sorry.
Oh, hello.
- Here you go, sir.
(laughs)
- You'll never guess what Neville's just texted of.
- Your manager said I should get a refund on this.
- Yes, madam, no problem at all.
(Linda laughs)
Do you know what Linda? I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of Neville. - Sorry about this, madam.
- Neville this, Neville that. Neville, something Neville.
It's like he's always here.
- Well, not always. - Go apologise, Sue.
(group sings For She's a Jolly Good Fellow)
- Maybe I hurt, too, because my so-called best mate
forgot it's my birthday today. - She never.
- I said I was sorry.
I said I was sorry.
(group sings)
- All you care about is you and Neville. The rest of us can go to hell.
You are a selfish cow.
- You take that back. - I will not.
- Happy birthday, Sue.
♫ And many more
- Shut up, Neville. - Shut up, Neville.
- So, if you just bring the lasagna in
at your convenience, you'll get a full refund.
No, I can't pop around and deliver it.
Okay, okay, bye.
That's everyone contacted.
- Oh, good.
Now, get your coat, and you can change at mine
because Daddy has been waiting for us for the last hour and a half,
and he is freezing in that mud bath.
- Charlie, I don't think this is gonna work.
- What?
No, we're great together.
Oh, you mean the metal detector.
Oh my god, thank god.
I thought you meant us.
Oh, you did.
- I think you're fantastic.
It's just working together and going out together
is a bit much.
I think we should just be friends.
- Right, yeah, okay.
- [Daniel] I'm so sorry.
- No, it's fine.
- Hey, don't cry.
- No, it's just, I'm just upset for my dad, you know
because he really liked you.
He's gonna miss you.
He's gonna miss waking up beside you in the morning,
and using your hair dryer, and going to work together.
- I'm gonna miss, your dad, too.
- Really?
- Really.
Hey, come here.
(sighs)
Better?
- Yeah.
Right, well, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
(sighs)
- Hi, Cheryl.
Listen, I'm so, so sorry about earlier on.
I was wondering if you'd do me the honour
of coming to dinner with me sometime.
No, that's just far too formal.
Hey, Cheryl, what do you say about coming to dinner?
That's just far too aggressive.
Cheryl, would you like to come to dinner?
- There's a nice little Italian on Lehigh Street.
- Ooh, Katie, is it too late to sign Sue's card?
- Yeah, Sue's left for the day.
- Oh, what a shame.
I thought of something so funny.
I've written it down to remind me.
(laughs)
Look at this.
(laughs)
- Margaret, that's really funny.
- Oh, very good.
That's actually really dark.
- It really is.
(Margaret laughs)
- Try not to put too much pressure on it. - I'll try not to.
- Compress and elevate that later, won't we?
- Yes, RICE it, please.
(upbeat music)