- Whatever!
- You alright, Heather!
- Not really.
My mom's being such a F-O-O-L at the moment.
She gave away my dog yesterday without even asking me.
- Okay.
- I go to work yesterday,
and he's there, hobbling around the house, panting.
And then I come home, and she says,
"Sorry, Heather, Federer's gone to live in a farm."
- Oh, well it's obvious what's happened there then.
- Is it?
- No, forget I said anything.
- You have to tell me now.
- You're not ready for the truth, sorry.
- I am ready.
I'm so ready.
I'm nearly a woman. I've got the biggest bike in the village.
I can handle the truth!
- Alright, then.
There's no easy way to say this.
Your dog's dead.
Actually that was pretty easy. (chuckles)
- What? - Yeah, whenever they say
an animal's gone to the farm,
it means they're dead.
- What about Agassi, my cat?
He went to live in a farm last year. - Dead.
- Henman, my goldfish?
Are you saying he's not gone to a farm, too?
- (scoffs) A goldfish farm? (laughs)
No, he's dead as well, they're all dead.
Still, at least now you know the truth.
- What about my Uncle David?
He went to live in a farm.
- Was he ill?
- No!
- Was he a farmer?
- Yes.
- That's probably genuine then.
Might wanna give him a call, just in case.
- (sighs) There you are. - No!
- I haven't asked anything. - Yeah, but you're going to.
- Alright, you got me.
I know it's a pain but I need you to take FRT for me.
- Oh my God, Fruit Recognition Training!
- Sorry, we've too many staff not had it.
- Great!
Five past nine and my day is ruined already!
- Let me know if I can do anything to help.
- Uh, you could kill me.
- Yes, but then I have no one to take Fruit Recognition Training.
You can see my problem.
- It's like a round cheese toasty.
- So what are you on about?
- Well, Alan phone him up and asked for it,
and then half an hour later, this boy turns up,
well it's in a box!
- Are you talking about pizza?
- Oh, yeah, that's it!
Oh, we don't normally eat Spanish.
Alan wolfed it down.
He burnt off the roof of his mouth!
- Can I borrow Margaret? - Yes!
- Margaret, I'm gonna need you from 10
for Fruit Recognition Training.
- Fruit Recognition Training!
- It's alright.
It's just a refresher's course
to make sure the staff are up-to-date on the exotic fruits.
- What, a test?
No, I haven't got any pencils.
- It's really not that hard.
- Oh no.
Cherry, that's a fruit.
- Don't worry, Margaret, just save it for the training.
- Oh ,listen to this one.
Listen, listen, listen!
(clears throat) Dear sirs.
Rather than customers carrying separate loyalty cards
for different stores,
would it not make sense for all stores
to sign up to one centralised loyalty card?
- (laughs) A single loyalty card!
- Wait, wait, wait!
This super card could work across the board
and be redeemed at all stores.
Yours, Mike K. Wickham!
(laughter)
- Oh God, Cheryl, stop, you're making me choke on me yoghourt!
- Oh, Monthly Retail letters page, don't ever change!
(laughs) Right, well, I should be getting back.
I'll see you at lunch.
(loud smack)
Oh, though I could eat you up right here!
- (laughs) Careful, probably give you indigestion!
(hums happily)
- I know about the farm, Mom!
I know they're all dead!
Well, I'd have liked to have gone to Uncle David's funeral, actually!
- Katie!
My job's boring enough without sitting in a room going,
"Oh, is that (mumbles) or banana?"
- There's no bananas, it's mainly exotic fruit.
- Well, I don't care if it's Ryan Gosling
with his tackle out, I'm not doing it!
I hate fruit!
Except chocolate orange.
- There's no choice! - Oh!
Yeah, well, I can't actually anyway.
I'm not allowed to leave my chair
'cause I've got a medical condition.
- Rubbish, what medical condition?
- A private one?
Down there?
Doctor said I have to sit down.
- Just do the training.
- I know my rights, you can't force me to do anything
with a medical condition!
- Right.
Get off! (shouts)
- No, doctor's orders!
Oh, better women than you have tried to get me
off this chair, alright?
- (grunts) Fine!
Stay on the chair.
But if I see you off it today,
you'll be on a warning!
- You'll be on a warning!
Right, see ya!
- Oh, Daniel! (laughs)
Dan the man!
Daniel
the man.
- Someone's in a good mood.
- Ah, you mean me! (chuckles)
Guilty as charged!
Gavin Strong, we find you guilty!
I'm being as pleased as punch!
Oh dear, oh, Daniel.
- I'm guessing this has something to do with a certain Lauda manager
rather than the coffee initiative? - Well, perhaps.
But a gentleman never--
What coffee initiative?
- The free coffee.
- Sorry, Daniel.
It's like you're talking Greek.
What on earth are you on about?
- What, didn't you get the email yesterday?
From Head Office?
About the free coffee?
- What email?
- Oh, it's a great idea.
Head Office had decided to blow Lauda right out of the water there.
They're sanctioning us to give away free coffee
to the customers.
- That's the first I've heard of it.
No, wait.
This says I've opened my email.
Well, I must have,
must have opened it by mistake. - Hmm.
- Okay, yeah, what is that, "Mm, hmm,"
Mean?
- Is it possible someone else could have opened that
on your phone?
- Of course not, who?
- But you've been spending a lot of time with Cheryl lately.
- Yeah, well, she wouldn't read my emails! - No, no, of course.
But we are in competition.
- Okay, right, you can stop right there, Daniel.
There must be a problem with the phone, or I opened it by accident!
- Sure, yeah.
- Good, because there is a line, Daniel,
you're sailing very close to it, my
lad. - Yup.
Of course, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.
- I'm sorry, Daniel.
I didn't mean to fly off into one of my rages.
- I'd no idea there were so many fruits!
- I know!
I can hardly contain myself.
- Right, there's no need to drag this out. If we're quick, we'll be done in an hour.
- What, may I ask in loads of questions to strike it out?
- Yeah, so--
- Well, then I have to go back to my till.
Would you rather have hiccups for the rest of your life
or one big sneeze everyday?
- I'm not answering any of your questions. Anyone else?
Margaret. - Can I have
the sneeze, please?
I don't like hiccups.
- Not about the hiccups, about the fruit.
- What is fruit?
Like generally, what is the history of fruit?
- Anyone else?
- Can I have one big hiccup?
- No, rules are rules!
- Right, everybody shut up, no more questions!
(sighs) Right, can anybody tell me what this is?
- Someone reaching a new low?
- Keeping an eye on the enemy?
- I'm sorry?
- Lauda.
(chuckles) Who knows what that Cheryl will try next?
She's crafty.
- Oh no, there's nothing to worry about that.
It's very much a ceasefire at the moment.
- There's no such thing as a ceasefire in war.
- Well, there definitely is.
- I bet she's got a few more tricks up her sleeve.
You can't trust anyone.
Not in this game, not even yourself.
- What don't you just go on to floorwalk, Ian?
- Next, what fruit is this?
- If we don't know should we say we don't know
or make a name up?
- Whatever you think, try it.
- Okay, uh, silly apple.
- Miss, miss, I think I need to go see the nurse.
Something's not quite right down there!
- Give me the kiwi fruits!
- I feel so emasculated.
- Alright, what are these?
- Well, if we don't know this one, should we just--
- Margaret, I just said what they were.
- Well, I missed it.
I think I'll just guess.
Furry potatoes!
(loud rattling)
- Right, the results are in.
Well done, everyone. You've nearly all passed.
- Oh, I'm so pleased!
Oh, I'm not usually pretty good at tests! (laughs)
- Yeah, Margaret, about that--
- Oh, I'll have to call Alan and tell him.
"I've passed, Alan, I've passed!" I'll say.
- Yeah, I wouldn't call him-- - Actually,
I'll call him later because he's out
with his foot this morning--
- Margaret.
I'm sorry,
but you didn't actually pass.
- I failed the test?
- Let's just say you didn't pass.
But, hey!
You got melon right!
- Only because I spelled lemon wrong.
- Look, don't worry, it's really not important.
- This woman in here, right.
You found out Earl's been cheating on her with her own Gran?
Can you believe that?
I mean, I've got blokes cheat on me with my Mom before
but me Gran?
Ugh, she is like 30 years older than me?
- Hey, Lisa!
Fancy a chocolate? Angela bought them in for her birthday.
- Yeah! - Hurry up, then!
- Well, you'll have to bring 'em over here.
As you may, remember, Katie, I've got a medical condition,
which means I'm not allowed to leave my chair.
- Dammit!
- Hah, you thought I'd fall for that!
- Well, you'll have to leave the chair at some point,
it's only lunch.
I bet you're starving, I know I am!
- A bit peckish, maybe, not about starving.
(laughs) Good job I've got a snack here, eh?
To keep me goin'?
(laughs) Enjoy your lunch!
- Are you alright?
- I mean you've barely touched your jacket potato.
And quite frankly, they're even better than normal today.
- It's just, oh.
Okay look, I hope you don't take this the wrong way.
But you haven't by any chance (chuckles) looked at my phone?
- What?
- I completely understand if you'd accidentally did.
It's just that I got this very important message
from Head Office and I don't remember reading it.
I just thought maybe perhaps you'd read it?
- Think I'd better go.
- Oh, Lord.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have asked. No, no, Cheryl, please.
Please, don't go, it's my fault.
I didn't know what I was saying.
I know you'd never
read my phone.
It's just this war has made me paranoid!
I've had a big breakfast and I can't think straight
on a big breakfast. Come on, Cheryl.
Let's talk about it.
- I really should get back to work.
Goodbye, Gavin.
- Pineapple, kiwi, mango--
Ooh, oh, hello!
What are you doing there?
(camera clicking) - Lisa?
- Yeah?
- What's the code for the mangoes?
- Dunno, just put them through as apples.
That's what I always do.
- Sound.
- (sighs) The things you see in this place, honestly!
Would you believe I've just seen a great big spider
in with the kiwi fruits?
Oh no, pineapples.
No, the kiwi fruits.
- Well, doesn't surprise me.
Fruit coming in from all corners of the globe.
It's like a backpacker's holiday for insects.
- Oh, a big fat thing it was!
All orange.
I've never seen anything like it!
- Did you say orange?
Margaret, I want you to think very carefully.
Where did you see this spider?
- In the fruit and vegetables section.
- And how big was it?
- Oh, it's very big!
It goes all the way up to cereals!
- Not the fruit and veg section. How big was the spider?
- Oh, about
yea.
- Was it bulbous?
- I don't know.
What's bulbous mean? - Round, fat.
- Oh, very bulbous!
- Then what you've described is no ordinary spider.
It's a false widow!
- Oh, is that bad?
- It's lethal!
- Does that mean bad?
- How you doing?
You're not still upset about your dog, are you?
- No.
I've decided I'm not gonna get too upset about Federer.
He wouldn't want that.
I'm getting a new pet instead.
- Yeah, what you gonna get?
- I'm not sure.
I'm not very good at choosing things.
Or crossing the road.
- Well, start at the beginning. What's your favourite animal?
- Yogi Bear!
Can you have a pet bear?
- Yeah, sure!
If you want your face ripped off. (chuckles)
- Oh.
What about a monkey? - Monkeys are fine.
If you want your face ripped off! (chuckles)
- What animals don't rip faces off?
- Statistically, not many.
- This is gonna be harder than I thought. - Don't rush, take your time.
Sooner or later the right pet will find you.
- What about Booboo?
- Booboo! (laughs)
Rip your face off.
- Have you got any spiders in your shopping today?
- Margaret, what you doing?
- Oh, Lisa.
It's ever so worrying.
There's a very poisonous spider on the loose
and it could be anywhere! - A poisonous spider?
- Yes!
- Oh, yeah. (scoffs)
- And it's bulbous!
- Yeah, I guess I'm meant to panic and jump out me chair.
Nice try.
- I don't follow you. - Look you can tell Katie,
if she thinks I'm that much of an idiot, she can--
- Margaret! - I think that's
the whole message.
Yeah, that's it all.
Can't stop, I've got to find a spider.
- What was that about?
- (sighs) Frickin' Lisa! I've been trying to get her off her chair!
- (scoffs) Bob tried it once.
She's like a rock.
- I'm not giving up. She's gonna have to get up at some point.
- Well.
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
- You are a genius! (Daniel chuckles)
- Gavin, we might have a bit of a problem.
- Alright. - Now, I don't want
to worry you but I think there may be a false widow spider
somewhere in the store.
- Mm, that's nice. - Don't worry.
I've mixed up a batch of antidote.
Two parts Amoxillin, one part Renese.
- Brian.
Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian.
You ever feel like you've ruined everything?
Your heart just actually breaking?
All you wanna do is just sit in your car and listen to Dire Straits.
- Not really no.
Anyway, this spider, wherever he is,
and trust me it is a he, I can feel it.
I will find him-- - You should have seen
the way she looked at me.
It was like she didn't recognise me.
Oh no, no, it's more like, sort of like--
- Right. - It was a look that said.
(scoffs) Sell over, Gavin Strong.
- Look, I really think I should go and catch this spider
before it gets away and kill somebody.
- Yes!
Yes, you're right!
You can't let these things get away from you.
If you love something,
you're gonna fight tooth and nail for it!
Thank you, Brian!
You're a real
pill!
- Yeah, I've been on this chair all day.
The whole left side of me ass has gone numb.
But when I touch it,
it's like I'm touching somebody else's ass!
- Alright, Lisa.
I'm just gonna leave this here.
And I know you're probably dying for the loo
since you've been sat there all day.
- Doesn't bother me.
- 'Cause if you need the loo, all you've gotta do is just get up and go.
- No, fine.
- Good.
- Oh! (water trickles loudly)
- We've searched everywhere!
- I don't think that man was very happy
when you tipped him out of his wheelchair.
- He'd have been a lot less happy
with a false widow spider bite, he'd be dead.
- Or maybe that spider's just decided to call it a day
and go home.
- Oh, no.
If he's not in here then he's out there
in Worrington, mocking me!
We're gonna have to report it. Let's start with a description.
(sighs) Orange, bulbous body.
- Spider.
- Expert at evading capture.
Mocking. - Yellow wavy bits.
- Disrespectful pharmacist--
Yellow wavy bits?
- Yeah, they're coming out of his body!
- That doesn't make any sense.
Don't move!
- Got ya!
- It's just an expression, Margaret!
Orange, bulbous body, yellow wavy bits?
Is this by any chance your spider?
- Oh, dear. - Yeah, we just wasted
half a day trying to track down a kumquat, Margaret!
- No, no that's not a kumquat.
That's a syphilis.
I mean, physalis.
You see a kumquat--
I did it!
I recognised a fruit!
I'm not a failure!
Oh, Brian! (laughs)
- Alright, Margaret!
Dignity at all times.
(loud knocking)
- I know you're in there!
- [Lisa] I know not
what you mean! (speaks in foreign accent)
Who is this Lisa you speak of?
- I never even said your name, Lisa.
(Lisa groans) - Out you go.
(toilet flushes) - Fine!
- You have got to be kidding me!
- What?
Couldn't walk, eh, could I?
Doctor's orders! (chuckles)
- Fine.
I give up.
You win.
- Ha!
Give us a push back, will ya?
- Oh, Cheryl, I've just come to find you.
- Gavin, we should-- - No, no, let me.
I'm so sorry, Cheryl.
I've been a prize plum.
I knew you'd never betray my trust,
especially over a stupid free coffee initiative.
I should never have accused you.
I hope this isn't too soon or too forward.
I'd like you to accept this.
- Oh, Gavin, you shouldn't--
- Yes, I should.
Please, please!
Open it.
- A subscription to Retail Monthly?
- Now we can have a copy each when we read those
hilarious letters!
- Gavin, I can't let you do this, I ca--
- No, it's the least that I can do.
I crossed a line, Cheryl.
I know you'd never do anything that bad.
- Stop it, Gavin, please. Stop it.
I need to tell you something.
- Have you seen this, Gavin?
They start their free coffee over the road.
Don't know why we don't do it.
- Please tell me this is some kind of horrible coincidence.
- I'm sorry.
I couldn't help it.
- When?
- Yesterday.
I didn't want to look at your phone but you'd left the room
and it was just sitting there and--
I mean, I wasn't myself!
And I'd had a big breakfast,
I'm never myself on a big breakfast.
- So you just read my private email
and steal Valco ideas?
- I couldn't help myself.
Look I care ab-- - Don't touch me.
Have you been using me all along?
Is that all I was to you?
Just someone string along for more information?
- No!
- I can't believe I fell for it.
How could you do it?
- Gavin, look.
Whatever we have,
I am a Lauda manager first.
I have to protect my store.
Just like you have to put Valco first.
We were mad to think this would ever work.
- Maybe we were.
Don't worry.
Whatever we had is over now.
Happy reading.
- I rather think this coffee's left a bad taste in my mouth.
No, wait, it's chewing gum.
(loud thud)
- Yes!
(loud thud)
- You're right about a new pet.
Look.
One did find me.
- Whoa!
That's a big spider!
- He was just crawling around the aisle.
Ian, say hello to Orange Jason.
- Clever.
Like Jason Orange.
- Who?
- Never mind.
- See you tomorrow!
- Hey! - Hi!
- I meant to say thanks for doing the training
earlier today.
I owe you a beer.
- Oh, I've got plans tonight.
- Oh no, I didn't mean now, sorry.
- Oh, oh yeah!
Yeah, okay, sure.
So well, see you tomorrow!
- Not if I see you tomorrow first!
(sighs) Not if I see you tomorrow first.
Yeah.
(melancholy music)
(melancholy rock music) (printer whirring)