- Whatever.
(bright music)
- Congratulations people, we have made it
to the half century.
And to celebrate this most auspicious of occasions,
Valco Warrington is going to party
like it's 1965.
- [Lisa] Who are you meant to be? - Well that's a bit of an in joke, Lisa.
Valco in joke.
Tonight Matthew, I'm gonna be
Peter Mallard.
(clapping)
The Valco manager from 1965 to 1977.
So without further ado, I'm going to hand you over
to my glamorous assistant Daniel
who will run you through the day's schedule.
Daniel?
(snaps fingers)
- What? - Yeah.
- Just a little something I stole from Gavin's wardrobe.
But seriously please guys, don't leave me alone on this.
There's wigs and psychedelic shirts and stuff
in the canteen.
- Do we have to?
- Yes well in fact you do have to Lisa,
because it's just a bit of fun!
- Uh, the treasure hunt is gonna start at one,
so we're expecting a surge of customers around lunchtime.
- Okay, what's the prize?
- Well I'm afraid that is top secret,
but all I will tell you is that it is financial
and it has a lot to do with the date that we opened.
- Wicked, I'll be having that.
- No I'm afraid that is for customers only.
The rest of you just open those doors and let 'em in!
- Woo!
(clapping)
- Heather I must say that is a fantastic costume.
- I've not changed yet.
- Course you haven't.
- Come on chop chop Barbarella.
- Ooh, you're in top form today, Gavin.
- Well who wouldn't be
when the supermarket has a milestone birthday.
- We just wondered, that stuff with Cheryl last week.
- Oh that, no, forgotten.
No, water under the bridge.
Cars over the flyover, really.
- As long as you're alright Gavin. - Thanks very much Katie.
At least I didn't follow her across the entire country.
I'll just go and check on those rotas. - Yeah.
Wow.
Work relationships are a nightmare.
- Tell me about it, never again.
- Never again.
- I need to - Um, I'm
- Just yeah - Okay.
- It might be our birthday,
but today the gifts are on us.
Look out for selected products marked down for one day only, to 1965 prices.
That's right, we're putting the happy into happy birthday.
I look flippin' stupid.
- Oh don't be such a party pooper.
- I should have been Cher, not Sony, I've got the skin tones.
- Come on, get it on.
And the moustache.
(laughing)
You look amazing.
- So Margaret, what was life back in the sixties?
- Do you know I can't really remember, Harry,
to be honest.
- Well you know what they say, if you can remember the sixties,
you weren't really there.
- Well where was I?
- Just a saying Margaret.
- Anyway, you don't remember, so you were there.
- Oh good.
- What about you Brian?
Where were you in the sixties?
- I was a baby mate.
- A baby pharmacist?
- No, just a baby.
I have done other stuff, you know.
This isn't my only achievement in life.
- Like what other stuff?
- Well
Well, you've put me on the spot now.
- Mushrooms (laughs).
That's it, I was on mushrooms in the sixties.
It's all coming back to me now.
- Seriously?
- It won't be what you're thinking.
- My goodness, they were some very dark days indeed Harry.
- You just don't look the type. - Wait until she's finished.
- Huddled together in that barn.
- Wow.
- Wait for it.
- Oh yes, we packed them all in that factory Harry.
Close cup, button.
- And order is restored.
It's a wonder we managed anything with all the LSD we were taking.
(laughing)
- Wow, and uh, whatever they say,
you're bringing those boots home.
- Alright Austin Powers.
- Give me a kiss.
Mmmm.
Ah.
Woo!
(mock explosion)
- Colin and Lisa, sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
- You got a boyfriend Heather?
- No.
Gross, yuck, double yuck.
I did have one once though.
He used to pick me up in his car
and we'd just like go driving around, talking.
But he was always testing me.
- Oh I hate that.
- If only I didn't have to read all the signs,
I'd be like come on, I'm not psychic. - Yeah, totally, mate,
are we doing it or not, right?
- Yeah and then he'd shout out brake
and I'd have to slam on the brakes and stuff.
- Right, right so more of an driving instructor
than an actual boyfriend then.
- Yeah.
- Listen Vanessa I'm just letting you know as a courtesy if nothing else.
Right, yes, I do wish you'd rein in that effing and jeffing.
No, I don't think it's too soon actually.
Well she is my girlfriend.
If you must know, I was hoping to ask her today.
Well that's very graphic.
Yes, I'm not sure that's even possible.
- Why is a room without a roof happy, I don't get it?
- I don't know, but
- If I had a room without a roof, I'd be well annoyed.
- Linda, I think Neville's going to propose.
- What?
- I just heard him talking to his ex on the phone.
Asking her to sign summat, because he's gonna ask you today.
- Shut up.
- Yes.
- Oh my god Sue, what am I gonna do?
I can't marry Neville. (laughing)
Me?
- How did you know that Colin liked you Lisa?
- He undid me bra in the dinner queue,
while we were waiting for fries.
- 'Cause I find it really hard to know if a man is into me or not.
Just when you're thinking, is he the one,
they go and mess it up by telling you, they only came to read the gas metre
and please can they go home now?
- What are you two on about? - Heather wants a bloke.
- Shhhh, Lisa, that's so embarrassing.
- Nice, you want us to set you up with someone?
- We should get you on Tinder.
- [Daniel] Are you on Tinder then, Katie? - I might be, are you?
- I might be.
- I don't understand what I'm looking at.
- Right, basically what you do is you look at the faces
and if you give 'em one, swipe right,
and if you wouldn't touch 'em with hairs, swipe left.
- That seems so mean though.
- Hang on, is that?
Bloody is.
I'll kill him!
- Oh. (laughs)
- Whilst the order of pork pies have almost doubled,
the actual sales
(honking noise)
have plummeted.
Do you see that?
- Yeah.
Do you know what?
I think it's a management issue, guv, so just
- I've just got to go and check on a thing.
- Oh right.
Ah oh ho.
- Was that Gavin?
- Yeah, he's back there.
- Back there because he's hiding from me
or back there, because he's got a thing to get back there?
- Hiding, definitely hiding.
- Fine.
Actually, no, it's not fine.
Do you know, it's not fine at all.
- [Lisa] Colin!
- Oh right, Lisa, whatever it is, I didn't (yelling)
Lisa, you've forgotten the safe word.
- Asa 23 ring any bells?
- Oh.
Ah.
- How could ya?
- Lise, I swear I was just curious.
- Curious?
- Yeah.
- There's only one thing you've been curious about
and we're definitely not doing that now!
- Lisa, come back.
Lisa!
- No!
- Gavin?
Gavin?
Can you please come out, we need to talk.
- Oh oh Cheryl, I didn't see you there.
I was just uh
- Oh (laughs) Peter Mallard.
Classic.
- Do you know, no one else caught that. Hello, I'm Peter Mallard.
(laughing)
Which isn't the point.
How can I help you?
- Look, I uh, I know you're angry
and you've every right to be.
But there are things that I need to say.
- Shall we just um step inside here in the
These shelves have ears and if it's personal
- Which it is, yeah.
- Oh dear, whatever you do, don't shut the door.
- Katie, Katie, where's Gavin, the treasure hunt
was supposed to start a half an hours ago.
- Okay well start it.
- He's got the you know, treasure.
- Well get another prize, plant it,
I mean you know where he keeps his company chequebook.
- I don't know.
- Is this bloody thing starting or what? I took 'em off school for this.
- Well I don't fancy telling them, do you?
- Yeah, alright, back in a bit.
- Right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
The Valco birthday treasure hunt,
is about to start now!
(indistinct yelling)
Alright alright alright, pace yourselves, pace yourselves.
- Come on, Margaret, there must be something.
- You've got three beautiful children.
- Not that, I mean actual achievements.
- Well they've all gone on to become doctors.
- You're not helping.
I ran the Warrington half marathon in six hours, 42.
- I did it in five and I've got cerebral palsy.
- Damn him.
(knocking on door)
- Hello!
Can you hear me?
- Oh god, I can't take this anymore.
I mean how long have we been trapped
in this infernal specialist large-scale freezer unit?
- About four and half minutes. - Really?
It seems so much longer than that, don't you think?
Of course at Lauder, we've got an emergency alarm system.
Have you not got one of those at Valco Gavin?
- Do you not think if we had it, I would've activated it by now.
- I'm just saying, maybe you should look into getting one, that's all.
- Well at Valco, most of our staff know not to shut
the door behind them when entering the freezer unit.
- Fine.
- Yes, well fine.
- I've brought you a pork pie.
- You've eaten the pig bit out of it. - Yeah, but look.
I've saved you all the jelly bit, that's the best bit.
Look Lise, I swear I just wanted to see
what all the fuss was about. - Did you meet up with anyone?
- No!
- I don't believe ya. - I swear it's true.
Okay look look look look, look at this.
Nobody swiped me.
- What, no one?
- No one.
So I thought, right, my phone's on the blink,
so I go to customer services about it, you know what he said?
You have to change your profile picture or summat.
- What a bunch of stuck up cows,
I would've totally swiped ya.
- Would you?
- Yeah.
- Aww babe.
- I'd give you a good swiping now, if you fancied it.
I'll leave my boots on.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Oh how long has it been now?
- It's been about 30 seconds from when the last time you asked.
- Alright, chill out.
(laughing)
Chill out.
- I was gonna say that actually.
And I was gonna say there's no need to be so frosty.
- Oh that's a great one.
That would've been a real ice breaker.
- Nice.
- Hello you.
- Hello.
- Listen I'm so sorry about the way it all, you know,
the coffee thing and the email thing,
and everything, and all the things, I'm sorry about all the things.
But you know, you were in the wrong too.
You should've trusted me.
- Yes, but you did read my emails,
and you did commit an act of industrial espionage.
- Ooh, that makes it sound quite exciting.
I'm sorry.
I mean we were never really the problem, were we?
- Well I suppose not.
- It was everything else out there, that got in our way.
- Oh I've missed you Cheryl Fairweather. - I missed you too Gavin Strong.
- Linda wait, there's something I've got to do first.
- Oh my god Neville, are you mental?
Not here.
- It's my shoelace.
- Oh right, yeah, sorry.
- Did you think I was going to propose?
You did, didn't you?
- Alright, only because she heard you on the phone to your ex wife.
- Sorry Neville, I heard you.
- Oh that, I was gonna invite you
to my daughter's 18th birthday party.
Yeah, I thought it was time you met the gang.
(laughing)
- Oops, what am I like Katie?
(laughing)
- Do the voice again. - Do you want me to do the voice?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh yeah, baby.
- Yeah, you're really bad at that.
- Still bad?
- Yeah.
- Colin!
- Oi, who's in there?
- Colin it's me, it's Gavin and Cheryl.
- Okay fair enough Gavin, we'll leave you to it.
- Knock on the door. (knocking on door)
- Go on Gavin lad.
- You dirty dog.
- I know he's enjoying the working day.
Gavin, that's bang out of order.
Alright, come on, where shall we go? - I don't know.
- Oh god, do you think this is it Gavin?
I mean do you think we're gonna die in here?
- No no, I don't.
- Well how can you be so sure?
- Because Neville will be in here to pack away the meat display products
in 45 minutes and 57 seconds.
- Oh oh right, good.
It would have been quite romantic though, wouldn't it?
Star-crossed supermarket managers
found locked together in frozen embrace.
- I still prefer to get out, if at all possible.
(shivering)
I meant to ask you,
what did you come in to ask me about anyway?
- Oh yes, that, right.
I um.
I came to say goodbye.
- Goodbye?
- I'm leaving.
- You're leaving?
- It was only ever a temporary position. - Temporary position?
Sorry, I'll stop that, shall I?
- Yes, if you would.
There's a new branch opening in Dudley and I'm booked on the 6:45 train tonight.
- When Lauder calls, you come running.
- Oh come on Gavin, don't pretend you'd be
any different if it was Valco.
We've always known there were four people in this relationship.
- You.
- Me.
- Valco.
- And Lauder.
- And foursome's are complicated.
They always seem like fun at the time,
but the next day always leads to recriminations
and mixed up underpants.
- What a pair we are.
Not the underpants people,
I mean the company through and through.
- But you know Gavin, that's what I've always loved about you.
- And is that what this has been?
Love?
- Well I don't know what else you'd call it.
- Is this some kind of con, love? I've done this all three times now.
- Well keep looking, because you're getting very warm.
Oh you took your time.
- Sorry.
- Did you put it in the right place?
- I think so, but Gavin's clues are really random.
I'm hot when it's cold but not when it's not.
- I have no idea.
- I found it, I found it!
- Well thank god for that. - Hey well gather around everyone,
let's see the prize.
- I've won £1,965 pounds.
That's amazing!
- Wowzes, that is amazing.
- Too amazing?
- Too late now.
- Thank you so much, I can't believe it.
Gary, we won!
- Well at least it's over.
(laughing)
What?
- Come here, you've got lipstick on you.
Gone now.
- Thank you.
- So, without a complete reconstruction
of his last movements,
I've come to the only possible conclusion.
Gavin Strong is dead.
- Gavin's not dead man,
he's in the freezer section having a special meeting
with that Cheryl, you know what I'm talking about.
- He can't have been in there all day. - We should go and see if he's alright.
- Or dead.
(soft whimpering)
(door opens)
- Sorry we're not interrupting are we? - No no no, we were just keeping warm.
- Yeah, in a professional manner.
- Like penguins, you know, more of a huddle than a cuddle.
That's sweet isn't it, because it rhymes.
- Oh Daniel, now listen, take the envelope,
run, just go.
- No no it's alright Gavin, I sorted it,
I found the company chequebook in your office.
- Oh good thinking that man, yes,
I'll replace the 19 pounds in cash tomorrow.
- Sorry?
19 pounds?
- Yes, it was a Valco voucher for 19 pounds, 65.
- Yeah Gavin, about that,
we may need to talk you through that a bit later on,
but you two should get out of here
and get warmed up.
- Free at last.
- Yes I suppose we are.
- Boo, huh?
Don't worry, I'm not taking you out for a romantic meal.
I'm not going to drop a ring into a glass of champaign
and whisk you off to Paris.
- Yeah alright, I get it.
- Yes tonight, it's just you, me and a fish pie on the sofa.
Again.
- Great.
- Everything okay?
- I just feel a bit deflated, you know?
I thought I was a girl about to get proposed to
and now I'm not, am I?
- Alright, and if you were?
If I had proposed, what would you have said?
You know, hypothetically speaking.
- Well obviously I would've said no,
- Right.
- Then, but now I don't know.
And now you haven't proposed, I think I might think differently.
- Ooh you've lost me now.
- Why don't you try it and see?
- Really?
Now?
Okay.
- Neville?
- Linda Bernice Stubbings.
- Shush about the Bernice.
- Would you do me the honour
of becoming my wife.
- Aww Neville, oh my god I can't believe it.
No, no I won't, but thank you so much for asking.
That is so lovely.
- Okay, yes, copy that.
It's a bit embarrassing, but hey ho.
Back to work, yes yes.
- Ah who you waiting for, you dark horse?
- I took your advice. It's time I found someone new, moved on.
- Aww Heather, not again.
- Hello, looking for me?
- Heather, have you ever had a driving lesson before?
- One or two.
- Oh.
- Tinder at work.
- I wasn't looking for you necessarily.
- Of course you weren't.
- You know we could just do this the old-fashioned
way and talking.
- You're so retro.
- I know.
Now what do you think? Fancy going out for a drink?
- Like a drink or a drink drink?
- Just a drink?
- Okay yeah.
It's just because I'm not really ready
to go for a drink, if you know what I mean?
- Weirdly, I actually do.
- One more thing, do you think we can get changed first,
because I am not going anywhere with you
dressed like that.
- What do you mean, I'm super fly.
- You're not super fly. - I'm super fly.
- I guess this is goodbye then.
- I guess it is, yes.
You know Gavin,
it doesn't have to be this way.
I could turn down the job and just
stay, what do you think?
- Oh you know what I think.
Nothing would make me happier in this entire world.
- Oh Gavin.
- But what about work?
- Well I'll quit and I'll just get a job here.
- Don't please Cheryl.
You're getting on that train to Dudley,
where you belong. - No Gavin, no I don't want to.
- No, just listen to me.
Cheryl, have you any idea what you've got
to look forward to, if you stay in Warrington?
- You're just saying that to make me go.
- No I'm saying this because it's true.
Inside us we both know that you belong in Dudley
and if that Lauder opens and you're not there,
you're gonna regret it.
Maybe not today, but more than likely the following day
and for some considerable period of time after that.
- But what about us?
- We'll always have Warrington.
And I've got a job to do here too Cheryl.
I'm not very good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see
that the problems of two little people just doesn't add up to a tin of beans
in this crazy business.
Some day you'll understand that.
- Well goodbye then.
- Goodbye.
(melancholy music)
- What is it with these woody doors?
- Yeah, sorry, it's just the
- Ah.
- Hey Gavin, we're just gonna go for drinks
if you want to join us.
- I won't, thanks Daniel.
Oh I see, what the heck.
It is our birthday after all, isn't it?
I think I will.
(indistinct conversation)
(laughing)
(receipt printing)
(lively music)