- Valco.
- Serves you right. - I've prepared something.
(laughing)
- You should just stop that. - Don't forget our brilliant...
(laughing)
- From booze to biscuits.
- Red hot deals.
- A lot of two for ones.
- The finest butchers, the freshest meat.
- The friendly staff always happy to help.
- Am I getting paid for this?
- Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way.
- Tick.
- Serves you right.
- [All] Valco, serves you right.
- Now with added pleasure foods.
(whooping and shouting)
- Stop that?
Oh god, oh dear.
(laughing)
I don't know why I let you talk me into doing that.
- Oh, it was so much fun though, wasn't it?
- I tell you, if head office saw me doing that,
they'd drag me over the coals, but yes,
(laughing) it was fun!
- (laughing) You see, you love it when we do new stuff.
- Cheryl Fairweather, you should be on aisle nine
with the rest of the souls. (both laughing)
- Oh, oh right, well, I better hit the road.
- Well already?
No, I can't go another week without you.
- Oh, yes you can.
Now, come on, we both knew this long distance relationship
would be tough, but look at it this way,
a week apart will give you time
to get your strength back after yesterday.
- God, oh Cheryl, people could hear. - No, let 'em.
- And how many times should you take it?
- Four. - Before or after meals?
- Before. - Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Go on then, you're ready.
- Two fat ladies, four.
10 Five E, what do I get for 10 Five E?!
- That says "Lose".
- Oh (laughing).
Hey, there were a woman on local news
and she won 10,000 pound, but she lost her card.
- So, what happened next?
- The weather, the One Show,
ooh they had the man on who could see into the past.
Right another one, ooh can I have a new coin please, Brian?
- Margaret, you don't need a new coin for every...
Oh alright, there ya go.
- Ooh a cat, ooh no, oh!
Alan hates cats.
- You haven't won a cat.
- How come you're in before Neville? Don't you get the bus in together?
- Not anymore.
Can't stand him singing to me. - Why, what does he sing?
♫ Linda, Linda, I love you
♫ Even when you make me blue
- Oh yeah that'd get on my tits too.
- Yeah, so now I take the bus and he walks.
It's only six miles and he likes exercise. (laughing)
- [Neville] There she is.
♫ Linda, Linda, I love you
♫ Even when you make me
- [Both] Keep walking
- Right you are.
- Morning, got you a present.
- CD player, are you from the 90's?
- Had to confiscate it from the bakers. A customer complained
said they caught 'em listening to porn. - Listening to porn?
- Listening.
- Filthy Girls Erotica.
Listener's Wives.
Adele.
- They just really like Adele,
well anyway can you pop that in the office please.
- Sure.
Sorry I didn't get you anything. - Well, don't worry,
you'll have to give me something later then, won't you?
- Ah.
God that's so sexy.
- Yeah.
What else would you like me give ya?
- Egg and chips.
- Well you kind of ruined the moment a bit there,
bring it back, bring it back.
- You love my dippy eggs.
- Oh I love your dippy egg on my chin.
Oh Neville.
Neville.
Slicer, knackered again.
Could you just come and have a quick look?
- Ah, it's actually broken this time?
- Yeah.
- You're not just trying to trap my tie again (screams)
- Ah yes.
- Don't get me wrong, I love this workplace banter.
It's just this is the fifth time this month,
so please let me out.
- If I let you out Neville,
you, you won't learn your lesson will ya?
So I'm doing this for your own good. - You are so immature sometimes.
- Thank you, I really appreciate it.
(machine whirs) (Neville screams)
- Home strike.
See you later.
- Ooh, CD's, anything good?
- Not really your thing.
- I dunno, you'd be surprised what I'm into.
Hell's teeth, absolutely not.
- Bakers.
So how was your weekend with the lovely Cheryl?
- Oh it was great.
I'm exhausted, we had a 20 mile bike ride on Sunday
and then, some, a fair amount of other physical activity
if you catch me drift.
- Ew.
- I'm sorry Daniel,
I have absolutely no idea where that filth came from.
- What's the fax?
- Oh it's a rather ridiculous message
from our glorious interim leader.
"The Christmas period was so successful
"let's try and make every period that successful."
The man's an idiot.
- So, no news on a new area manager then?
- Nothing, it's all pretty slim pickings out there.
- What about Keith from Stockport?
- Keith Forest, I mean, he's good branch but he's not area.
- Roxanne Lane?
- No branch.
- Marcus Ford?
- Branch.
- Nathan Peas?
- (laughs) he's branch.
- Fast, effective and non evasive.
That's like my sex life.
(laughing)
- How's front of house?
Is it still a policy to have catalogue models
on customer services?
- As if anyone's stupid enough to go for lines like that.
- Great, you think I look like a model?
Shut up, do ya?
No way.
Do ya?
- Of course she's stupid enough.
- Duncan Trench.
New rep from Pleasure Foods.
Single and ready to mingle.
(laughing)
Here to see Gavin Strong.
Here, have a card.
Give the boss man a bell will ya love?
While I'm here, do you do returns?
'Cause you've taken this guys breath away.
(laughing)
Bit of retail based flirting.
(laughing)
- Gavin, there's a moron down here to see ya.
- (laughing) Shut up.
- Honestly you could do music videos.
Though if you came on the screen at my gym,
I'd drop the weights.
All 130K.
It's what I bench.
- (laughing) stop it.
- Yeah, please stop it.
- Ah yes.
Can I help you?
- Ah, Duncan Trench, Pleasure Foods.
Delighted to be your news sales rep.
Here have a card.
- Ah right, thank you.
"Duncan Trench, putting the sales into sales rep."
I'm not completely sure that that makes sense.
- It's genius eh?
Have you noticed the thing about the size?
- Oh yes, it's very large isn't it.
It doesn't quite fit into my wallet. - Exactly, stands out.
Memorable.
- Yeah, right.
Listen the thing is that we normally deal with
gentle Ben from Pleasure Foods,
is he on holiday or something?
- A very long one.
Dead.
Car, bus.
Goodnight.
Still, every cloud eh?
Meet your new superior sales rep.
- Gentle Ben is dead.
Oh, I think I need to sit down.
I think I might lean if you don't mind?
- Ooh!
I've won 10 pound (laughs).
Oh Brian, I've never won 10 pound before.
- Don't get too excited, I mean look how many you've played.
There must be 50 odd there.
10 pounds won't cover it, it's a mugs game.
- Don't be silly, these are free.
- What?
- Scratchcards, they don't cost money.
- Margaret, where did you get the cards? - They where on the kiosk and I thought
"ooh, they look like a bit of fun."
And then I thought "I wonder if Alan will notice if I only
"put half the mince in the shepherd's pie tonight?"
- Forget about the shepherd's pie.
- Sorry, it's all I can think of now.
- Look, Margaret, these cards cost two pounds each.
I mean, how many have you played?
- 60.
- That's 120, well minus the 10 you won,
you owe the kiosk till 110 pounds.
- Oh, that's nearly 100 pound.
- Any chance of Pleasure Foods
getting some more shelf space?
- No, no, you've got your allocated shelving.
- Yeah, that could be your answer.
Or you could say yes,
and be the proud owner of new second hand Audi.
- Are you trying to bribe me?
- No.
I'm joking.
Unless you want a bribe, do you want a bribe?
No, I'm joking.
- Humours a very important part of retail,
but I think making a joke about shelf space
is very close to the knuckle.
- Well here's the plan, you and me, tour of the store.
You're the lion, show me your jungle.
- Unfortunately this lion has a smaller pride
of lions and tigers.
So, um, I've got a lot on is what I'm trying to say.
- Absolutely, I'll look round on my own.
You won't even know I'm here.
Duncan Trench, Pleasure Foods.
- Can I have a card?
- No.
Mind if I join ya?
Lovely Linda.
- No, this is my boyfriend, Neville.
- Oh for fucks sake.
- Seems nice.
- Gavin?
- Ah, how Big Len?
- I see they're still keeping you on here you toe rag.
- Well they've not fired me yet, touch wood.
How's Gene?
- Well, jealous of all the calls I'm getting
from Kate Moss, begging me to run away with her.
(laughing)
- Oh dear, we've been doing this banter for years
and oh Big Len, it's as funny now as it was then.
Great stuff.
- Chocolate fizz, what's that?
- Oh, it's a fizzy chocolate flavoured juice.
Seems very popular.
- I'll take one.
- Just one, it's three for two.
Why not treat yourself? - Oh Gavin, you've twisted me arm.
I'll take three.
- Still got it strong, still got it.
- I don't understand.
Normally when you annoy the bakers, they get their own back.
Remember the time they stabbed Neville?
- See, I'm not Neville.
They have this thing with me called respect.
- There they are, the lovebirds.
- We're not lovebirds.
- Not what it looks like 'ere.
- Oh, you look so pretty together,
how'd you even get your legs up there?
- Wait that's not us.
- Someone's photoshopped our heads on there.
- [Both] Bakers.
- Where'd you get this?
- There's loads of them up, all around the store.
This ones my personal favourite,
it's a bit more tasteful than some of the others.
- I've gotta say Daniel,
you look exactly like I imagined you would naked.
- Okay.
You do aisles one to eight and I'll do the rest.
- What was that thing you said about respect?
- Bigger problems Daniel.
- Eight sausages.
20 bacon and a foot of black pudding.
- [Big Len] Cracking.
- Well that'll put lead in your pencil. - I'll need it.
Supposed to be going on a dirty weekend with Angelina Jolie.
(laughing)
(Big Len coughs)
- Everything alright there Big Len?
- Fine.
- Well he doesn't look alright?
- I'm fine, it's just me chest (coughs).
- I think we need to get you some help.
- No, it's good.
It happens sometimes.
I'll just have a lie down.
- I think he's having a heart attack.
- If he does die Gav, can we have the day off?
(man sniffs)
- You really should go to hospital.
I'm fairly sure you had a heart attack.
- It was a turn, I have 'em all the time.
- You need to take better care of yourself.
(laughing)
- Well it's no wonder.
I mean look at all this processed food and sugars.
- It was all on offer.
- Yeah, well you need to have some nutrition too.
Look here's an idea,
why don't you swap these toffee apples for apples?
- Apples?
Is there any toffee in 'em?
- No.
- No chance.
- I feel terrible.
- Gavin, I'm fine.
I've never been fitter.
Just ask Beyonce,
I was up all night rattling her to death (laughs).
- No, no that's gone too far Big Len.
I mean banter's one thing but that was blue.
- Sorry Gavin.
- Cheryl? - Gavin.
Hi.
- Big Len, Cheryl, Cheryl, Big Len.
- Cheryl. - Big Len.
- Cheryl. - Gavin.
- What are you doing here? Have you left the iron on again?
- Yes, but it's not about that. I was driving to Dudley, I was on the M6
and I was nearly at Stafford Services. - The one with the big Esso?
- Yes.
I always think it's a big shock, but you're right it is a big Esso.
- Is all this detail necessary?
- I'm sorry, I'm babbling but it's just so amazing.
Anyway, I got a call
and I couldn't wait to tell you the news.
So, I did a u-turn and I came straight back.
- You did a u-turn on the M6?
- I know, people were not pleased.
I just had to tell you.
They've offered me the area manager job?
- Who, where?
- Valco!
- Here?
- Yeah!
I didn't tell you I'd applied in case I didn't get it,
but isn't it great?
No more Dudley, we get to see each other more.
- Yeah, wow, you'll be my boss.
- Yay!
Oh that's alright isn't it?
I haven't accepted the job yet,
I thought we'd talk it through properly tonight,
but isn't it great?
- Yeah, it's great.
- There we go sir, have a lovely day.
- Looks at those Nev.
- I think that's all of them.
- Oh ho ho, nice one you two.
Fair do's for managing that.
Me and Lisa we tried to have a go, I broke me collar bone.
- It's not us.
- I have to say Daniel,
you look exactly how I always imagined you would naked.
- Can everyone stop saying that?
- What's everyone getting so worked up about?
Yeah, okay you took a couple of dirty pictures.
Me and Lisa we do that all the time.
You should see my camera roll. - Trust me, you really shouldn't.
- Katie, Daniel, quick word.
As head of security,
I can't have you putting these up around the store.
- Look, it's not us.
- Don't get me wrong, they're impressive. - Yeah, it's not us guys.
- And if we were in a supermarket in Germany,
they'd be fine, they love their muck over there.
- True that. - They really do.
- It's like trying to explain to cats. It's not us.
- Oh.
- Right, I am shredding these. Daniel give the radio back to the bakers.
- What and admit defeat?
Alright fair play.
- Daniel by the way,
you look exactly how I've always imagined you to look naked.
- It's not enough Brian.
- It's okay.
- It's not okay.
What's Gavin gonna say when he finds out?
- Margaret?
- "Margaret, you're fired."
- Margaret don't worry, don't worry.
We can fix this without Gavin needing to know.
We just need to buy a few more scratchcards
and I'll win you the money.
- You said, scratchcards were a mugs game.
- They are.
Unless you've got a full proof winning system.
- Oh that's a shame.
- No, no, I was saying that I've got one.
It was heavily implied there Margaret.
- Ah Daniel.
- I've given the radio back to the bakers.
And a stern warning not to listen to porn
when there are customers around.
- Those bakers really are animals.
- Any news on the new area manager?
- Actually yes.
Head office have offered the job to, to Cheryl.
- Wow.
That's great.
- Yeah.
- You, don't seem pleased.
- Daniel can I, can I be candid with you?
On a rather personal level, man to man.
- Yeah, sure.
- Obviously, Cheryl's great at her job
but it's a big step up to be seeing each other at weekends
to suddenly to be working,
you know, everyday with your lover.
- Ah ha.
- What if it changes everything?
Take me and you.
Now we work, because it's professional and not sexual.
- What you don't fancy me?
- No, no.
I wasn't telling you that Daniel,
I mean you're a very good looking man
and those eyes.
No, but, I'm sorry,
I feel we're getting a bit off message here.
- Cheryl being your boss.
- Work place relationships,
they're tricky beasts.
- If you've found the perfect person, don't let the job get in the way.
Sure, you might have said that "you'll just be friends",
things can change.
- Just to clarify,
you're not still talking about me and you are you?
- No, no, um.
Sorry, excuse me, there's something I need to do.
(laughing)
- I knew you and Daniel were doing it.
Proper filthy and all.
You know some of this stuff, even Colin won't do.
- That's not us two alright, me and Daniel are just friends.
- With benefits?
Sex is his allowance.
- [Katie] There's nothing going on with me and Daniel.
- Come off it, you're all over each other.
- Lisa, just shut up.
There is nothing going on with me and Daniel,
we're friends, we work together, that's all that I want from him.
And if that changes, I'll let you know, okay.
- Dirt bag (laughs).
- Not you too Brian.
- Quiet, I need full concentration.
- Brian's got a full proof system,
except it's not working.
- Guess it's not idiot proof then.
- Duncan, you're still here?
- If by still here, you mean on fire?
Guilty as charged.
- Yes, I think you should go.
- Oh, I see what you're saying.
Keep my powder dry.
Come back tomorrow, maybe the day after,
really get a feel for the store over a prolonged period.
- That's absolutely not what I'm saying.
- Of course it's not.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Last one.
- Oh, I can't watch.
I'm so nervous.
Oh please say it's a winner.
- One box to go.
Yes!
It's a winner.
110 pounds exactly.
- Oh Brian, oh it worked.
Your system worked.
I'm gonna go and ring Alan and tell him everything's okay.
(laughing)
And I'm gonna own up about the mince in the shepherd's pie.
- That didn't win.
- I know.
Couldn't let her down.
I better get to the cash machine and get her money out.
- You alright Gavin? You've been staring at that for ages.
- Chocolate fizz.
- Yeah, it's nice.
Tastes just like chocolate but fizzy.
- But look at this stuff we're pushing,
sugar butter bites, triple chocolate muffin cluster bombs,
pizza in a can!
It's not very healthy.
A customer could have died today.
- Yeah, I thought she was stealing, it was a little rugby tackle, she's fine.
- What?
I'm talking about Big Len, what are you talking about?
- Nothing.
(toaster crashes)
- Big Len?
- Gavin.
See they're still keeping you on.
- What the hell are you doing back in here?
The last thing you should be doing is stocking up with more junk food.
- I'm not look.
- Carrots.
Low fat hummus.
Apple apples.
- Wife sent me back in to get some healthier food.
After what I told her about earlier. And what you'd said.
- Oh that's great news.
Well done Big Len.
- Thank you toe rag.
- I better run,
I've got a hot date with a lingerie model tonight.
- (laughs) oh Big Len, oh you big mad liar.
It's really lit a fire under me.
I made a morbidly obese man buy carrots, voluntarily.
- I love it when you get all Jamie Oliver.
Say pucker.
- (spits) no, no I can't.
It's not even a real word.
Still I'd love to push this healthy eating thing.
Can you imagine a Warrington full of Medium Len's and not Big Len's.
- You know you should just go for it.
- Yeah, I would, but I need permission
from my area manager Cheryl Fairweather.
- Really?
I thought we were just gonna talk about it later?
- What is there to talk about?
You should take it. You'd be the best area manager ever.
- I'm so glad you support me.
I did kind of say yes anyway.
But it's just good to know that you agree.
- I'm happy to serve under you.
- As in strong, you saucy bugger (laughs).
- What, I know, Cheryl I didn't mean to, complicate it with,
I mean I do prefer being below you, but um.
- It's alright, Gavin, it's alright.
I'm just pulling your leg. Just breathe, breathe.
- D d d, don't touch me, don't touch me.
(Neville hums)
- Excuse me.
- Yes, I shall be with you in a minute.
Can I help you at all madam?
- I've got you something to say thank you (laughs).
- Scratchcards?
- Well seeing as your systems foolproof,
that's practically money.
- Thanks Margaret.
(cheerful music)
- Let's forget about the restaurant and go straight to the hotel.
- Bloody hell.
- Oh.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you mate.
Bye later.
Bye later?
(cheerful music)