- Valco! - Serves you right!
- I've prepared something. (giggling)
- Can she just stop that?
- Don't forget our brilliant-- (laughing)
- From booze to biscuits!
- Red hot deals.. - Loads of two for ones.
- The finest butchers, the freshest meat
- Service with a smile (chuckling)
- Friendly staff, always happy to help.
- Am I getting paid for this? - Don't forget the Valco tick!
- Everyone always gets it wrong.
It's definitely that way. - Tick!
- Valco! Serves you right!
- Now with added pleasure foods.
- Oop! She's here! Go, go, go, go!
(snapping)
- I'm afraid I can't let you in.
- Well, don't be daft, Ian, I work here now.
- Oh sorry, it's Gavin's orders.
- But I'm the new area manager.
- Yeah, you raise your voice to me again,
and I'm legally able to put you in a restraining hold.
- Oh Ian, Ian, for goodness sake, man!
- Gavin?
- He was meant to say, "I can't let you in until we've all
"given you a great big Valco Warrington welcome."
- Oh! - And then on cue
the staff would stand up. - Surprise! (poppers popping)
- No, no, no, not now!
Well, that's that then, isn't it?
- Thanks, everyone! (giggling)
Should we just start again?
- All right.
Good morning, Cheryl. - And good morning, Gavin.
And I'm sorry I'm late but my boyfriend
made me a rather special breakfast in bed.
- Oh, you got a boyfriend, well (nervous chuckling),
I'm devastated.
What's he like?
- Oh god, he's amazing!
He's very handsome, and he's got a lovely pair of legs.
- Must be all that cycling he does,
(Cheryl giggling) I'd imagine.
(laughing)
- And he's very masterful in the bedroom. (giggling)
- We are actually talking about me aren't we?
- Yes! Yes, of course we are!
- Excuse me.
- Oh sorry, Shai isn't it?
How long have you been here?
- Not long, only since opening.
- Since 6:30? (nervous chuckle)
Did you not think about asking at Customer Services?
- No, it's for customers, I'm staff now. (nervous chuckling)
- Okay, good start.
- Here's my required documentation.
I've got GCSE Certificate and A levels.
- Gosh! How many have you got?
- 14, 15 if you include psychology,
but I just took that one as a joke. (nervous chuckling)
- I actually just needed your national insurance number
to enter you on the payroll. - Oh, I've done that for you already.
- You've accessed the Valco payroll, how? You need passwords, key codes--
- Or a Masters in computer science.
- And my mother's maiden name, my first pet,
where I was born--
- Scurfield, Snuffles, and St. Helen's. (nervous chuckling)
- Okay, follow me.
- I don't know if I can take any more surprises today, Gavin.
- Well, this one's different.
Tada! Goodbye to the guilt lanes of the past.
Say hello, to the hallway of health!
- Oh Gavin! It's brilliant!
- You think so?
I mean I know the reps won't like it,
but we all know what reps are like.
- Charming, handsome, charismatic?
- Ah, Duncan, what brings you in, again?
I haven't scheduled a meeting.
- Oh no, hell no.
It's just a drive by before I passed.
I wanted to give you some of these, Fudge Nuggets.
Incoming! (laughing)
- Deep-fried Fudge Nuggets, god help us and save us.
- And the best thing is, they're sharing size!
Not that anyone does share them.
Just means we get to sell bigger bags to fat kids.
So how many units of these little money makers
shall I put you down for?
- [Gavin] Well, I'd have to run it past
my area manager first.
- Oh Gavin, grow a set!
You know those management morons,
they cock-block you at every turn.
- Have you met our new area manager, Cheryl Fairweather?
- Oh, Duncan Trench, Pleasure Foods, delighted.
- Cheryl Fairweather, gosh, gosh! That really is quite firm isn't it?
- Not the first time a lady's said that to me.
- Is that appropriate?
- No, not at all, but you get used to me. (laughing)
I can be pretty ironic.
So, stroke of luck bumping into you.
We should hook up, talk shop,
I'm crazy busy at the mo, but how 'bout now?
- Oh well I would love to, but today's not good.
We've got our area manager meeting--
- Great, well today's good for me! - Yet not for me, so--
- Well, we could make it good.
- We'll just sort something out for later on in the week, shall we?
- Great. (nervous laughing)
I'll be calling ya.
- I don't doubt that for a second.
So, I'm just gonna leave you in Gavin's capables.
- So Gavin, what's it gonna take
to get me in on that meeting?
- Oh no no no no, (chuckling) never gonna happen.
No, this is strictly in-house Valco only.
- I can't take no for an answer, Gavin.
- Well, no is my answer, Duncan.
- Well, it's not a word in my dictionary, Gavin.
- Why yes it is! - No it isn't.
- Well, you just said it. - No, I didn't.
- Does it say, "I'm coming into money,
"will find a taller husband, lose a stone"?
- Sue, it's your horoscope, not a fairytale.
(laughing) - You cheeky cow!
Well, you're says, "A handsome stranger
"is coming into your life."
- Well, hello there.
- But you won't see him, cause Nev will be stood in the way!
(laughing)
- Ah, should I read you yours now?
Ooh! Says here you should shoot for the moon,
seize the moment, and listen out for opportunity
knocking at your door.
- Well, seeing as my doorbell's been stolen, again,
I shall be keeping a very keen ear out for that.
- Sue, help me out would ya.
Gavin wants me in on his manager's meeting,
and I need somebody to keep an eye on things
for an hour or so.
So, Sue, this is Shai.
Shai, Sue.
- Sue Benson, 42 Mariner Gardens,
8 pounds and 7 pence an hour.
- You what?
- Look, I know you've accessed the payroll,
but I think it'd be best if you don't share
this information with anyone again, ever.
- Do you want me to wipe the system? - No just stay quite.
- Understood. (chuckling)
- So, what you say?
- No chance.
- Linda?
- Neville, this is it!
This is opportunity knocking!
Neville will do it. Won't you, Nev?
- Neville?
- I'd be delighted.
- Okay.
Thanks, guys, (nervous chuckling) thanks a lot.
- I wooga!
- Sorry, what was that?
- That, Sueby Doo, was the sound of Neville on top!
- Never let me hear that noise or those words again,
all right? - Right.
- Here you are, Daniel love.
As they say in America, enjoy!
- Sorry, Margaret, why are you giving me this?
- Well, you asked me to sort you out some food
for the meeting, so I've done you Alan's favourite,
a chicken dinner.
- Okay, I actually meant food for everyone for the meeting
and stuff, you know.
- Everyone?
Oh! You are a big ding dong, Daniel!
How am I supposed to cook that many chickens?
Honestly, what are you like? (laughing)
- Thank you.
- You're late.
What's that smell?
- What smell? - That smell.
Are you wearing aftershave? (chuckling)
- I might be.
- For a manager's meeting, are you serious?
- There's nothing wrong with making a bit of an effort.
- For a manager's meeting, I think that there is.
I've never met such a bunch of losers and freaks.
- Phil Smith, Valco Prescott,
should be on the guest list.
- Yeah, just sign in and then head straight through
to the canteen.
- (sighing) I see you've still got the strip lighting
from 1996.
I think we binned that in '08,
installed LEDs.
Keep up, guys!
- Okay, you're right, they are a bunch of weirdos.
- Hello again, you!
- Hey, how are you?
- Yeah! Really good!
Holly Wooden, we met at the Valco Team Day!
- Holly, totally!
- Oh god! Small world seeing you here.
Well, maybe not! (giggling)
What am I like, we both work with Valco!
(laughing)
- [Daniel] Holly, this is Katie.
Katie, Holly. - Hi, yeah.
- Oh we met at a Valco thing.
- Yeah, yeah I heard.
Lovely to meet you.
- So I'll see you in there, shall I?
Nice to see you again, Dan.
- Yeah, I'll see you in there.
(throat clearing)
(sniffing) - Hmmm.
- What?
- Oh nothing, nothing, Dan.
- So
this is it, you ready?
- When it comes to area manager meetings
for mid-level supermarkets in the Northwest,
I was born ready, Gavin!
- Go get 'em, Tiger! (Cheryl growling)
- Actually that was a bit liony, wasn't it?
It's more like a sort of (roaring)
- A dinosaur (chuckling)
(rolling Rs) - Hang on, no, rrrrr!
- I'd just go get 'em. - Yes, yes!
Oh! There is just one thing.
If it's all right with you, perhaps we might not mention
that we're together exactly.
- Oh, oh right!
- Do you understand? - Absolutely, 100%, yeah.
Yes, yes, that's no trouble.
- I knew you'd get it.
- I do, I do.
I mean you're not embarrassed though, are you?
- No! God, no! No!
I'd shout it from the rooftops!
I'm in love with Gavin Strong,
and I want the world to know!
(chuckling) Just not a Valco rooftop.
- No way!
Are you two at it?
Ah! That's amazing!
I can't wait for the rest of the guys to hear this!
Guess what, I just caught beauty and the beast.
(laughing)
- Watch this! Woo!
(laughing)
- [Phil] And he was only that small!
(laughing)
- Phil - Hello, Gavin.
- How's business in Prescott?
- Well, not as good as it is in Warrington!
Nice move that!
Sleeping your way to the top.
What does that make you, Gavin, a wag?
- Yeah, if wag stands for Warrington and glad,
then yes I am!
(laughing)
- Hi! - Hey.
- All right, okay!
- Hello, everyone, (glass clinking)
can I have your attention, please?
It is my dubious honour to welcome a woman
who previously we all knew as the enemy (chuckling),
but has since been turned.
Yes, that's right, it's your new area manager,
Cheryl Fairweather!
Woo! Woo! (clapping)
- Hello, hello! Really glad to see you all here today!
Knew Andrew Peach was in the building
when I heard unidentified object in the bagging area.
Am I right, guys?
(Gavin and Cheryl laughing)
- Brian and Tony Wiley are with us today!
Ladies and Gentlemen, two brothers in Valco management,
or what I like to describe as a Brian get one free offer.
(Gavin and Cheryl laughing)
- God, honestly! This is like watching Michael McIntyre,
don't you think?
- Enough of the mirth!
What I really want to talk to you about today
is my new initiative.
From now on, you, the managers,
will have a direct say in the direction of your supermarket!
- Woohoo! Woohoo! (Gavin clapping)
Way to go! Woohoo!
- Any questions from the floor, anyone?
- (throat clearing) Yep! - Oh good, good!
- Duncan Trench, Pleasure Foods.
- No, Duncan, I don't think I could've been any clearer.
Now please get out.
- Anyone need Fudge Nuggets?
- Oh god, Gavin! - On your way, go on!
- Seriously love, how much food do you need?
- This is for a school camping trip, if you must know.
- Oh really?
And where are these kids camping, in your gob?
- And this young lady is Lisa!
Lisa, we at Valco management are pleased
to introduce a new recruit!
This is Shai.
- What are you on about, we? You massive bell!
- Banter.
Haven't you heard?
Been made manager for the day. - (laughing) Yeah, right,
as if Kate would leave you in charge!
- Well, she didn't want to,
but she was forced into by the ladies at Customer Services.
- Bah, I wouldn't say forced exactly, but--
- I would,
cause she was.
- Right! Well if your manager, prove it!
Move me to the five items or less till.
- Fine, be my guest.
- (giggling) Sorry love, you and your imaginary kids
will have to pitch up at a new till.
I'm on five items or less now.
Managers orders! (giggling)
(Shai chuckling)
- Oop! Great idea, getting to the biscuits first!
Oh so yummy!
- Sorry do you want one? - No you're all right, thanks.
Bikkies bloat me. - Oh dear.
- So how do you know Dan then?
- Oh we work together.
- Oh yeah! (giggling)
What am I like, ay?
Blond hair, ay? (giggling) (Kate nervous laughing)
- But you're brunette.
- I always forget about that.
So Dan has he got a girlfriend?
- Oh, I don't think so.
- Awesome! Oh, we just had this real connection
the first time that we met.
And then he went and got me breakfast in the morning,
and I was like, hello keeper!
- Really?
See I think it's like always hard to tell
when you've only been with them for like a weekend,
cause you don't really know them that well.
- Yeah, I know but I just got this funny feeling
in my tummy when I saw him again.
- Oh did you? - Yeah!
- It's probably all them chalky bikkies! (giggling)
- All right, there you go.
(door dinging)
What's with the doors, Ian?
- Oh, don't get me started on the bloody doors.
I told Gavin they've been playing up for weeks.
- Well, I'm your manager now, so step aside if you would.
- This is the sort of leadership, I could get behind.
- Okay, Shai, I want you to go outside
and then walk towards the doors
like you're a customer.
- Male or female?
- Entirely up to you.
- Kay (chuckling)
I think I'll stick with male,
cause these are the only clothes I brought with me today.
- Okay, good! Good decision.
(Shai chuckling)
Now, slowly walk towards the doors.
- Ah! This is more like it. A man of action at last!
Well you got me as your wing man, your trusty steed,
your man Friday for as long as you--
(door dinging)
- Oh, um.
(knocking)
I think might be needing a hand here, Ian.
- No chance, you're on your own, mate.
(door dinging)
(knocking) - Hello, Neville manager?
- Yes, just...
(knocking) Don't do that.
(pounding) No, don't do that.
- So does anybody have any questions?
Anybody?
- Yes, Gavin Strong, Warrington branch--
- Oh, as if she didn't know. - Carry on, please, Gavin.
- So at Warrington, we're hoping to launch
a healthy eating initiative and I was--
- Sorry, a healthy eating initiative?
- Yes, yes and I was hoping to encourage our customers
to adopt a healthier lifestyle.
- Right, and why is that? Is that because you're their mom?
(laughing)
- No, no, it's just that we should all think about what we eat.
- Right, and are you also gonna tell our customers
to put on a coat and clean their teeth, mom?
(laughing)
- He could tie their laces!
- Yes. (laughing)
- He could wipe their-- - Ass, yes!
(laughing)
No, no the real reason that I want to give you guys
the initiative is not to create Gavin's nanny state
so much as just to try something new.
- Yeah, like when you tried spiralizing vegetables.
I think you'll find that we're still eating pasta
as predicted.
- Says the man that thinks that Muesli
is a special breakfast! (laughing)
- Well, perhaps if someone wasn't such a grumpy pants
in the morning, then we might have time for a more substantial breakfast!
- Well, perhaps if that someone got a better night sleep
without someone else keeping her awake
because his nose whistles, she'd be in a better mood
in the morning!
- That's rude! (laughing)
- Now are there any more questions?
- There were goji berries in that Muesli, goji berries!
- Anyone other than Gavin?
Yes, Phil, let's hear from you, shall we? - What the hell are goji berries?
(laughing)
(banging) (crowd murmuring)
- Everyone, just stay calm!
- Would it help if I were to motions?
(banging)
- God, Neville, what have you done?
- That's typical, straight off blame Neville,
when you don't know the facts! - Whose fault is it, Nev?
- It's mine. - Thank you.
Maybe we should do an announcement and tell everyone not to panic.
- No please don't do that, they'll hear us in the canteen.
- Right, you can solve this, Nev.
It's not like the place is on fire or anything.
- Valco's on fire!
- Is it?
Why God, why, today of all days!
- Pull yourself together, man!
- Hey! I'm the only one that gets to slap Neville!
Pull yourself together, Neville!
Valco's not on fire!
- You're right, it's high time I managed on my own, dammit!
See my stars, seize the moment!
(banging) (door dinging)
- Out of the way! I'm coming through!
- Go on, Nev!
(grunting)
- You're doing it, Nev! It's working!
(drop door slamming down) For God's sake!
- Ah! Don't let the managers see me like this, Linda!
- Margaret, go and stall them at the meeting!
- How?
- I don't know! Make something up!
- Make something up, make something up.
- Ah!
- Anyway so I turned to Brian, handed him a tissue, and said,
"That gives a whole new meaning "to the phrase, self-service." (laughing)
- Hello. Hello!
My friend, Maurine, is having a hip replacement today.
- Right! Sorry to hear that Margaret.
- Oh don't be, it's not true.
- Oh so she's not having a hip replacement?
- Yes, she is, but not until Thursday, I made that bit up,
like they told me to.
- Ah!
(laughing) - Ah! You again?
Come back to get some more food
for the school kids, have ya?
- No actually, they've come back to get it themselves.
And they've all got exactly five items each.
- Oh come on!
What! This is childish.
- Leave the shop floor for one hour and look what happens!
Lisa, get back to your own till!
(laughing) - Till's closed!
Management, ay?
- Neville, what on earth are you doing?
- I was trying to unleash my potential and show you what I'm made of.
(beeping) (drop door opening)
- Well, you definitely have done that.
- Oh, it's all right. It's all right.
I'm all right.
- Let's get you back to the meat counter, eh, Nev?
- It's probably for the best.
I'm sorry, love.
(knocking) (door opening)
- Gavin - Cheryl
- We need to talk.
(laughing) You were amazing!
- Do you think it worked?
- Yeah! They totally bought it, the whole thing!
- I told you it would!
Nobody likes a happy couple.
- No, it was awful being that grumpy with you!
But it bloody worked!
- Let's just keep today our little secret, ay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No freakin' way!
Are you two a couple?
- Good lord, Duncan, for a big man,
you're very light on your feet! - You're punching well above your weight
aren't ya, Gavin?
(chuckling) Or are you just after his money, Cheryl?
(Cheryl nervously chuckling) (Duncan laughing)
- How long you been there? - Oh, long enough.
Now what's say, you and me sit down
and talk Fudge Nuggets, ay?
- Oh, don't be down on yourself, Nev.
At least you gave it a good go, ay?
- Yes, I suppose so.
Us Librans are always quick to bounce back so--
- Libra, really?
- You read me the wrong horoscope, didn't you?
- It's a lot of bollocks anyway.
It probably says the same thing about Libra.
Let's have a look.
Libra, some weeks you're better off just staying in bed.
- Gosh! They really are very accurate, aren't they?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Nev.
- Oh, Daniel!
So Holly seems nice. - Yeah, yeah she's cool.
- Have you swapped numbers or are you going
to become pen pals?
- Well, actually--
- Sorry about that, I was just putting my face on.
- Um--
- You can join us, if you like?
- Ah, yeah, you totally should, three's company and all that.
- I'm all right, I've left a thing
that I have to go and get.
Um, but it was nice to meet you.
- (giggling) Okay!
- Where we going? (soft dramatic music)
- [Daniel] Beer and a burger
Goose and gander
- Go on! What took you so long!
I've got a romantic meal for two to cook tonight.
- Oh! Have you now?
- Yes! So hurry up.
My boyfriend's got a beast of a temper on him when he's hungry.
It's still you, Gavin, it's still you. (upbeat music)