- Valco.
- Serves you right.
- I've prepared something.
(laughing)
- Can she just stop that?
- Don't forget our brilliant-- (laughing)
- From booze to biscuits.
- Red hot deals.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- The finest butchers, the freshest meat.
- Service with a smile.
- Friendly staff, always happy to help.
- Am I getting paid for this? - Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way.
- Tick.
- [All] Valco serves you right.
- Now without its pleasure foods.
- With the launch of our new healthy-eating range,
we're going to show our customers
that a healthy diet is as easy as one, two, three,
four, five, six.
- [Sue] What's that?
- That is a visual aid to make healthy eating more simple.
I call it my hexagon of health.
- Why?
- Because it's got six sides--
- No, why bother, Gavin?
- Because, Colin, alright,
it is important to make healthy eating understandable.
There are several sections, we have sugars
and salts and fats and vitamins.
In fact, vitamins has its own two subsections.
- 3 1/2.
- 3 1/2 subsections which can be found--
- On the other side of-- - The other side, thank you.
Quite something, isn't it?
So, uh, clear as a bell.
Any questions from...
Well, Shai, you understand it, don't you?
- No, no one does.
- Uh, thank you Shai, I can always rely on you
for your honesty.
- Right, so listen up people,
this is what we'll be doing today. Brian, you're gonna give a presentation
on the benefits of exercise.
- I'm gonna need a bucket of ice,
I'm having a diseased heart biked over from the morgue.
- Brian, you are not conducting an autopsy
on the pharmacy counter.
- Say that every time.
- Margaret, you're on health checks
so that's gonna be weight, blood pressure, and BMIs.
- BMI, B is for Brian,
M is for Margaret, my neighbour,
and I is for I like Lovejoy.
- That's very good Margaret but do you actually know what it is?
- Yes, a detective series about antiques.
- Do you know, Lovejoy was more than just a detective series--
- Now, please, can we just stop talking
about Lovejoy and focus.
- On the hexagon of health that no one understands.
- Lisa, you're late.
You were meant to be in early to set up the stall.
Just get to work.
(Lisa retching)
Oh my god.
- [Lisa] It's not my fault.
- You've got a hangover, of course it's your fault.
Right, I'm putting you on lates for the rest of the week.
- What? What?
It's not a hangover, it's morning sickness.
- Look, you pregnant?
- Well, legally, you're not actually allowed to ask me that,
Section Four, Clause 26, Valco Handbook on Employee Rights.
- You just told me you were.
- Well, that's what happens when you're pregnant,
your brain goes to mush.
(Lisa retches)
- Oh, Gavin, I thought we'd have a quick run-through
about what you're gonna say on your telly interview.
- Alright, but I would advise you to put sunglasses on.
- Why?
- Because you are about to be dazzled.
(laughing)
- Now, the idea for my healthy eating initiative
came a few weeks ago when I was hit
violently and repeatedly in the face.
Not by an angry customer or the bakers on a night-shift
(imitates laughter)
but by an idea about how to make Britain healthy again.
Let me introduce to you the hexagon of health.
- Okay, good
but rather than the hexagon thingy,
it might be better to talk about the healthy things
that Valco are already doing
like taking the staff trampolining.
- Oh yes, no, that was fun although
I didn't like the way the instructor was ogling you.
- Oh, I love it when you get all jealous.
Anyway, I think we should have another go. - Alright, but I really must insist
on you wearing a sports bra this time.
- No, no-no, I'm talking about the interview.
You've got to get straight in there, I am the manager of Valco Warrington
and I'm shaking up the industry.
- Seriously, are you pregnant?
- Oh my god, why is that so hard to believe?
Me and Colin do it all the time at home,
on the bus, in Neville's car--
- Alright, alright.
- I'm gonna cry in a minute.
You haven't even congratulated me.
- Congratulations, (stammering)
you're pleased, right?
- Yeah, yeah, I feel blessed. (retches)
- It's gotta be about sales and PR,
it's got to be upbeat, it's got to be positive,
it's got to be fun and energetic.
Look, as your boss, I've got to be
across this kind of thing.
And as your girlfriend,
I not only have the luxury to kiss you when I want
but I also get to be honest with you
and I'm saying this has to be fun, exciting
and simple, alright?
(Gavin groans)
Oh come on, don't go all sulky on me,
my little Gaviroo.
- God, don't say that here.
- Oh come on, do the thing.
- Oh no, people might be looking.
- No, no, they're not, go on, do it, come on,
please, please go on, do it.
(laughing)
Little joey.
- Stop it.
Show us your pouch.
- Can I interest you in a vegetarian burger, sir?
- Drop dead.
- As you wish, the customer is always right.
(groans)
Ah, there's nothing quite like the smell of meat substitute in the morning.
Did I ever tell you about the time--
- No, no, no, could I, just give me a sec, man,
just a minute.
- Sorry, did you want to say something?
- No, I just wanted you to shut up, Neville.
- Hey, you alright, Colin?
- [Colin] Yeah.
- I hear congratulations are in order.
- Ooh, something happened? - I was talking about the baby.
- What, you're pregnant? It's not mine.
- I'm talking about Lisa's baby.
- Lisa hasn't got a baby.
- Yeah, well, not yet, obviously but...
Anyway, congratulations.
- [Linda] Wish I had an arse like that. - I knew you were gonna say that.
- No you didn't.
- You're me best mate, I know what's gonna come out your mouth
before you've even thought it.
- Alright, well, what am I about to say next then?
- Three, two, one.
- [Both] Make us a cuppa,
it's your turn you lazy cow. Pack it in, Sue.
(laughing)
- Lisa, you need to empty the peelings bin.
- I can't lift anything, baby.
- Fine, I'll do it.
Can you get some more bananas please? - Right, I can't carry anything, baby.
- Surely you can lift a bunch of bananas. - Mm, doctor's orders.
Baby.
- Meat, dairy, fried foods,
this is what they do to your heart.
Arteries clogged with pus and disease.
That's why your mum is going to die
unless she has a healthy eating plan in place.
- Siegfried and Roy.
What on earth do you think you're doing? I thought I said no to the heart.
- You said no to a human heart.
This is a pig's heart.
- Just get rid of it, will you.
The news crew are gonna be here in a minute,
just go and help Margaret with the health checks.
- Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.
Wendy, this is Gavin Strong,
the manager here at Valco Warrington. Gavin, this is Wendy from Northwest Live.
- Hello.
- Hello Wendy, yes, can I just say that I'm a huge fan of your work.
That report on the bi-fold doors at the leisure centre
was just outstanding.
- Oh, well, we do what we can.
Did you see my piece yesterday about the dog with no nose?
- Oh yes, I did and well done
for not making the obvious joke.
- Well, it's a terrible condition.
- In all seriousness, how did he smell?
- Not good, I'm afraid.
Right, well, I'm gonna go and find my cameraman
and see where he wants to set up so lovely to meet you Gavin.
(Gavin whimpers)
- Now, remember, you've got to be upbeat
and positive, alright. I want you to be rousing.
I want to be passionate like you are
when you watch Countryfile.
- It's probably best if I
fix my own tie when we're at work.
- Oh, yes, sorry, go on.
- See you later, veggie.
- Can I give you a word of advice, Colin? - Oh, go on, Nev, but it'll cost you.
- Children are expensive.
Save the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.
You know, I may have gone without food
but I always made sure that Vanessa and the girls had the basics:
tennis coaching, new party dresses,
spa days with Mike.
- I've just realised, I'm gonna end up like you, Nev,
skint and boring.
Anyway, that'll be a tenner for giving me advice.
- Mate, I've only got a fiver on me.
- Oh, well that'll have to do, won't it, Neville?
- Supposed to be my lunch money.
Looks like I'll be having one of these veggie burgers.
Do you know, these really are a triumph.
They taste just like real meat.
- They are real meat.
Ran out of the veggie ones, I couldn't be arsed going out the back
to get any more, simple, innit?
- You haven't given them to any vegetarians, have you?
- Who cares, Neville?
- Well, what if someone complains? - Vegetarians can't complain,
they haven't got the energy. - But what if they do?
I mean, we could get sued, I could lose my job.
I won't go back to the bed in the YMCA, Colin.
It's not like the song, not one bit.
- As part of our ongoing obesity watch,
I'm here at Valco Warrington
with store manager, Gavin Strong.
Gavin, you've launched your very own
healthy eating initiative.
- Yes, well, that's right, Wendy.
Obesity is rising day after day, year after year.
People are struggling, they're unhappy,
they're frustrated.
- Be positive.
I mean, customers want to be positive
and I intend to teach them how to change their lives
by effy heating.
I mean, effy heating.
Healthy eating.
- But can one supermarket really make a difference, Gavin?
- Well, with my vision, Wendy,
I think so, yes.
I want to educate our customers
by jumping up and down.
- What do mean by that, Gavin?
- Let me introduce you to my--
- Area manager, Cheryl Fairweather
and I'm happy to say, Wendy, that here at Valco,
we are the shaking up the supermarket industry.
Come on, have a go. - Oh, your enthusiasm is infectious.
- Hey, talking of infectious,
fight off those nasty colds
by stocking up with some of our delicious lemons.
- Ooh, well, that is impressive skills there, Cheryl.
- A few weeks ago, I was hit violently
and repeatedly in the face. - So tell us more about healthy eating.
- Well Wendy, healthy eating.
Healthy and eating, two fabulous words.
- But your heart line is rather long
which could mean romance or heart disease.
- [Man] Thank you.
- Margaret, are you doing palm readings?
- (sighs) I can't be doing with all this BMX business
but you can't beat a good old palm read.
- You can because it doesn't work.
- Not as good as tea leaves, no
but I've always swore by palms
ever since I had mine read when I was a girl.
They told me I'd have three children.
- But you've only got two children.
- Well, so far.
Let me have a look at yours, Doctor Brian. - Certainly not.
- Oh, just relax, let me have a look.
I'm very good with palms.
Now, what is this hand telling me?
- What's wrong?
- No, you're right, it's nonsense.
- Okay.
Out of curiosity, what did you see?
- Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Why don't you call your wife.
Tell her that you love her.
- Gavin, I've just come off the phone from head office
and they were thrilled with our interview.
- Yeah, your interview.
- It was a team effort and everybody knows that.
- Everybody's talking about your interview, Cheryl,
saying how good you were.
There's no one saying that about you, Gavin.
- Oh my god, Cheryl, you were amazing.
- Oh yeah, can I get your autograph?
- Stop it girls, you're making me blush.
So, what say you to a spot of lunch?
My treat.
- Yeah, if we can get into the canteen
past all your adoring fans.
- Actually, on second thought, you should finish those forecast reports.
I want to leave early tonight, I want to get to our jazz tap class.
- Yeah, your jazz tap class.
- Well, what's the reading?
- 220 beats per minute.
- See, perfectly fine.
- Yes, if you've been doing vigorous exercise.
- Yeah, but I've been thinking a lot. The mind is a muscle.
- Or it could be that you're very anxious.
- Anxious, no, no.
Well, I am a bit worried about Margaret,
she thought she saw something bad in my palm reading
but she hasn't told me what it is.
- Why didn't you ask her? - Because I'm not bothered.
Don't even know where she is.
- She's right there.
- Yeah, you see, she's got herself all wound up, poor thing.
I mean, you can't just drop dead without warning.
- There are 17 congenital conditions that kill with no warning.
- Yeah, but you can't test for them with a palm reading.
- There's no way of testing for them at all.
You might have lots of them and you'd never know.
Wow, 250 beats per minute.
- Right, there's no way you'll know what takeaway I'm having tonight.
- You're on.
Three, two, one.
- [Both] Chicken korma, pilau rice, onion bhaji.
I suppose I do always have the same thing because I'm a boring cow.
(laughing)
- Hey, this is not a veggie burger.
I wanna see the manager now.
- Say it was you, it was you.
- It was me, Gavin, I misread the packaging.
I apologise profusely.
- Well, this will go to the highest level, Neville,
the highest level, Neville.
- Oh dear.
- Um, as a gesture of good will,
I would like to offer you twen, actually 10 Valco vouchers.
- Me whole life, I've not eaten meat
Me whole life. (cries)
- Well, let's just see if I can find any.
- I'm Cheryl Fairweather, the area manager here.
I'm so sorry to have caused you so much distress.
- No, it's alright Cheryl, I'm dealing with it.
- What, no, there's no need, I'm here now so--
- I said, I'm dealing with it, Cheryl.
- What are you doing, Gavin? - Well, I'm the manager here
and I'm taking care of my customer.
- I think you're being a little bit childish.
- I think you are.
- Why don't we go to my office and have a nice cup of tea, alright,
and I'm sure we can do better than 10 Valco vouchers.
There we go.
Come on.
Oh, and can you bring us up some tea please, Gavin?
(Gavin sighs)
- Yeah, you've got a BMI of 483.
- That means she's the size of a fully-grown elephant.
Can I interest you in a leaflet of our hexagon of health, madam?
- No, thank you.
- Oh, I just can't concentrate.
It's all this business with Doctor Brian.
I'm worried sick.
- So is he.
He's been to the toilet five times in the last hour.
- (sighs) I feel terrible delivering bad news.
I'm like one of them dim reapers.
- [Vegetarian Woman] Thank you. - Enjoy that microwave.
(laughing)
- Bye.
- Buh-bye now.
Sorted.
Do you need a hand?
Bit of vinegar'll get that off, no problem.
- No, no, no, I'm perfectly capable
of getting this off my way.
- Oh, is somebody a bit of a grumpy pants?
Is my Gaviroo a bit cross with me?
- I'm fine, and please don't call me that at work.
- (sighs) Is this just about the interview?
- It might be if I was someone who actually cared about being sidelined.
- Yeah, but you're not somebody who cares about being sidelined.
- No, I'm not.
I'm a rational adult and I'm perfectly capable
of removing graffiti off a hexagon of health.
- (sighs) Gaviroo is cross.
- I am not Gaviroo, I am Gaviroo Strong,
I'm Gavin Strong and I'm the manager here.
- Yes, I know you are but whether you like it or not,
I am your boss and though I know
that can be tricky sometimes,
it does have its advantages like being honest, remember?
- While we're being honest, I don't wanna go to jazz tap class.
I can't do the shuffle hop step
and I don't like wearing legwarmers. - But you look great in legwarmers.
- No-no, no, I've made up my mind.
I don't wanna go to flipping jazz tap class ever again.
- Head office have given me a written warning.
There's a possibility I might be fined by the Food Standards Agency.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all about Neville, innit?
Well, do you know what, Nev?
Some of us have got real problems over here.
Becoming a dad is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me, apart from when I found out
I was working with you, obviously.
- I have apologised for that, Colin, several times.
- Uh, that is a,
that is a beautiful thing that, man.
Lis, when were you gonna tell me?
- It was just a snog, it meant nothing.
- I meant, I meant about the baby.
- What baby?
- Our baby.
Oh, Lis, even if it's not mine, I'm gonna stick by you.
I'm gonna get a bigger coat 'cause I'm gonna be nicking for three now.
- The only thing I'll be giving birth to is that kebab from last night.
Oh, in about five minutes.
- Daniel told me, you're pregnant.
- Oh, no, I lied 'cause I puked in the peelings bin.
- Did you throw up?
- Yeah.
- I did it on Neville's feet. (laughing)
Wicked.
Do you know what though Lis,
Lis, I reckon we'd make a beautiful little nipper, you know?
- You reckon?
- Oh, come on, my brains, your smile,
there it is.
- You really want us to have a baby?
- I just think the timing's right, you know?
I need an heir.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Ooh, not here, I want it to be special.
In the loading bay.
- (moans) The loading bay.
- So this hexagon of health can help you
to decide if something is healthy or not.
So, any questions?
Anything that didn't make sense?
- None of it made sense.
- Well, maybe I can run through it again.
(chattering)
- It made perfect sense to me.
- Yeah, well, you're bound to say that, aren't you?
- No, no, no, I'm not.
Each color-coordinated segment
denotes salts, fats, sugars, vitamins,
actually, vitamins has 3 1/2 subsections
that can be found on the other side. No, no, no, it's easy, it's informative,
I totally understand it.
- I'm so sorry for my petty jealousy
and my ferocious temper.
I've just gotta deal with the fact that my girlfriend is my boss.
- And I'll try not to interfere so much.
- I'll finish those reports that you wanted.
We don't wanna be late for our jazz tap class.
(laughing)
Oh, if there's time, do you think we could go shopping
to buy me some different legwarmers?
- You mean like a nice navy blue--
- Yeah, yeah, uh, Gaviroo would love that.
(laughing)
- [Man] How does this work then? - I haven't got a clue.
- Oh, are you alright, Doctor Brian?
- Not dead yet, Margaret.
- Would you like me to check your palm again?
- As you're insisting so vehemently.
(Margaret gasps)
- Ooh, that's strange.
Ooh. (laughs)
I must've been looking at your palm upside-down,
I got your life line and your romance line mixed up.
- So he's not gonna suffer a bloody
and painful death in the near future?
- No, the only thing that Doctor Brian will suffer
is wonderful health and probably a divorce.
- Oh, thank god for that.
Not that I believed any of that nonsense. Just didn't want you to worry, Margaret.
Night all, see you tomorrow.
(Margaret sighs)
- Oh, he'll be dead by Christmas.
(joyful orchestral music)
(horn beeping)
(upbeat pop music)
- Good night, you guys.
Congratulations.
- False alarm, not pregnant.
- She might be now though.
(laughing)
(upbeat pop music)