(clap)
- Valco!
- Serves you right!
- I've prepared something....
(laughs)
- Can she just stop that? - Don't forget our brilliant (laughs)
- From booze to biscuits
- Red hot deals.
- Loads of two for ones.
- The finest butchers, the freshest meat
- Service with a smile (laughs)
- Friendly staff always happy to help
- Am I gettin' paid for this?
- Don't forget the Valco tick!
- Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way
- Tick!
- (all together) Valco! Serves you right!
- Now with added Pleasure Foods
- Oh these are wonderful, Shai, wonderful
They're just so evenly spaced
- Nought point 85 metres, I based my calculations
on the average stride length of a woman what with these being ladies footprints
- They're actually modelled on my footprints.
- So it's true what everyone says?
You do have very small feet.
- I do not. Whaddaya mean, everyone?
- Well, not everyone, just the bakers
- Oh well, we all know what they're like
- And the delivery drivers, the canteen girls,
the shelf stackers and everyone on the night shift.
Oh, and all the staff at Halfords.
- Oh well, that's the last time I go in there
- They also say you're quite petty
- Gavin!
Why're you stickin' all these kiddy footprints on the floor?
- They're actually adult footprints, Margaret,
and to answer your question,
customers can follow the footprints
and be led to all the healthy products around the store.
- Ohhhh, aye like in that film with the yella brick road.
- Yeah, the Wizard of Oz.
- No no no, that one with the lion and the tin man.
- Yeah yeah, the Wizard of Oz.
- No, the one with the song about
going off t'see someone.
- Yes, it's the Wizard of Oz, alright?
That's the name of the film.
- No no, it's not that.
I'll ring Alan, 'e'll know,
can I borra yer phone Gavin?
- Just get back to the
pharmacy counter please, Margaret.
- Rightio
- People also say you pick on Margaret
- I do not
- And have anger problems
- Porridge? 'Olemeal toast? Fruit?
'Ave I slept through the apocalypse?
Daniel, I hate to tell you this
There's been a dreadful error There's no fried breakfast.
- Oh Gavin's given the canteen a makeover.
All the bad stuff is gone.
- Bad stuff? Black pudding is made of blood,
and that's one of yer five a day.
- You can't expect this man to survive on rabbit food
'E puts 'is life on the line,
'e's practically a war hero.
- Well, that's for others to say, which you just did
- Gavin wants us to get behind the healthy eatin' thing,
so let's just give it a go, eh?
- This is an affront to my civil liberties!
I 'ope you're pleased with yerself, makin' people work in these conditions
- Is there a problem, Ian?
- You, sir, are worse than scum!
- A lot of people say that.
- Go on - Yesss!
- Amazin'
D'you know wine's made from grapes? - No I didn't know that
- Here is your rota for next week
- Oh I can't work Sat'day, there's a family emergency
- What's happened?
- Me 'n Colin are tryin' fer a baby all weekend.
- Yeah, like allllll weekend,
you know what I'm talkin' about?
- That's not an emergency
- But yerrit is. We're desperate fer a lickle babba
- Yeah man, I'm keeping my pants off
so I can keep my junk at the perfect temperature,
boiling point
- And I've got an ovulation stick.
You slot it in and it beeps when yer eggs are ready
- Like a hairy microwave
- Okay, before I pass out,
let me make this perfectly clear, Lisa
you're working Saturday
- Are you denyin' us the right to 'ave a child?
- You betta lawyer up
- You wouldn't be sayin' this if it was you and Daniel tryin' fer a baby
- What are you talking about?
- Oh come on, like you 'aven't fantasised about it!
Check it, yeah, these two are workin' a late shift
Daniel smiles, Katie smiles back,
next thing you know, she's playin' hunt the salami on the meat counter.
- (laughs) Katie ya dirty liddle minx!
- 'Ave you got a minute?
- Er, yeah, please
- What's that about?
- Oh nothin', Colin and Lisa are tryin' for a baby
Trust me, you don't wanna know more than that
- Oh I really don't, and just so you know,
Valco will pay for any post traumatic therapy needed
- It's too late, it's already imprinted
- So listen, head office is sendin' somebody,
they want to talk about some charity food collection thing
I'd take care of it but I got to go to the Bolton branch
- Okay, but head office always sends someone
so enthusiastic and annoying, who is it?
- Hi-i! Katie, right?
- Yeah
- Oh my God! (mwah) so nice (mwah) to see you again!
Hi, hello you
- Hey
(kiss)
Umm
Right, thank you, see you later.
- See ya
Oooo, like I didn't know you had
a little thing goin' on?
- No, yeah, we go together a few weeks back
We're just both so relieved because neither of us
thought there was any talent at Valco.
- Ha!
- We went out last night, that's why I look such a mess this mornin'
- So what are you doing here again?
- Well, I had this idea, right,
where it came from I have no idea,
I wish I did because I'd have so many more of 'em
(laughs)
I had this idea that head office just love,
and they just wanna roll it out across every store, how cool's that?
- Oh yeah, that's great
- C'mon, let's go for a walk, I'll explain everything
- They want elite security,
but how am I supposed to function on such a ridiculous diet?
- It's an outrage!
I mean, if I was a younger man,
I'd do somethin' about it, but...
- I've a good mind to do somethin'
A devastating high impact protest
to bring management to its knees!
- A hunger strike
- A hunger strike?
- That's a great idea, Ian
- I'm not so sure
- Ian, I've seen that look of determination
on your face before
- You're right, somebody needs to take a stand
and that somebody's gonna be me
From this moment forward not a single thing from Valco
will pass these lips.
Ohhhhh Uncle Roger's Cheesy Fingers!
My favourite.
- This reminds me of Twister,
did you ever play Twister? - Er, I do, yes, but (groan)
only in the winter months, in the summer you can often see more
than you bargained for.
- Suits ya down there, Gavin
- Oh Duncan, I thought I recognised those leather shoes
- Made from real Italian stallion
- No, they don't make shoes from horses - 'Course they do
Guess 'ow many pairs of shoes I own?
- Five
- 27
27 pairs of shoes
'Ow many shoes do you own?
- Three.
- Three pairs of shoes, is that it?
- No, three individual shoes
I lost one when I went swimming
- Well, talkin' of shoes, what's with the little footsteps?
- They're not little
- They're modelled on Gavin's feet
(laughs)
- Looks like a robin's been walkin' through the snow
- I didn't see you in my calendar, Duncan otherwise I would have set an alarm
- I thought I'd take a gander at this healthy eating thing
It's created a lot of chatter at Pleasure Foods
A lot of chatter
- Yes well, we're all very pleased with it
including our customers
- Yeah, I'll bet
Can't help noticin' you've not included any Pleasure Foods
- Yes well Pleasure Foods is hardly a brand
noted for its healthy products
- Au contraire!
Pleasure Foods Dinner Bar
packed with natural ingredients
- It's bright blue!
- So's the sky
- And how much sugar has it got in it, eh?
20 grammes?
- Nowhere near, 19 grammes
- Can you believe what's 'appened to the canteen?
I mean, what is the point of these?
- I quite like rice cakes
- Are you joking?
It's like tryin' to eat a piece of cork
- You 'ave to put summat on em, you know
- Like what?
- I dunno. Jam, chocolate?
- I know what I'll put on it
There. That's the best thing for it.
(laughs)
- So I was talkin' to this homeless guy
He was one of the most inspiration people I've ever met
- Really? - Yeah
And he was saying how upsettin' it is, knowin' how much food supermarkets are
just, like, throwin' away.
So I've organised for a charity
to come and collect all of the surplus food
at the end of every day.
- Oh that's good then, y'know.
At least you're doing your bit. - I know, right?
So what sort of stuff do you do for charity then?
- Err well I... sponsor my friend who did a 5k run
- Oh that is so funny
Actually, I'm tryin' to get Daniel to do more charity work,
but you know what 'e's like
- I don't really know what 'e's like,
em, outside of work
- Oh he is so sweet, but he is so lazy
I literally have to like, drag him out of bed
although when he's in my bed, I do find I have to drag myself out
We had so much fun last night
Are you sure I don't look a state, I 'ardly slept
- Yep! Anyway, let's push on
because I'm donating a kidney later! (laughs)
- You're hilarious
- D'you know 'ow many calories you burn off
when you're shoppin'?
- No
- No one does mate, 'cos who cares 'Ere, 'ave a biscuit
- Cheers (laughs)
- Sword of Omens! What on earth are you doin'?
What on earth are you doin'?
- Just givin' people somethin' tastier than your health food rubbish
- Our healthy eating range is both nutritious and delicious,
and I like to feel that we put the fun back into
fun healthy eating.
- If you really wanna know what people really want,
there's a quick, easy way to find out
- Yeah, double blind trial in association with trading standards
- A taste test!
In store, right here, right now.
- I 'aven't got time for that kind of-
- Bwork! (chicken sounds)
Bock, bock, bockarock!
Bwork!
Bock bockarock!
And that's a free range chicken, Gavin
the most cowardly of all the chickens
Boooorck, bock bock!
- Alright, damn you, I'll do it!
The taste test starts now
Well, obviously not now, I need to get
a hairnet and some antibacterial wipes
- So that's when I was in India,
you see that woman there?
She had absolutely nothin'
yet she was just constantly smilin'
She was one of the most- - Inspirational people you've ever met
- Oh god yeah, how did you know?
- Just a guess
- Katie, what is with this canteen?
- It's part of Gavin's healthy eating plan
- I need proper food, I'm 'avin a baby
- Oh congratulations!
- Oh cheers, love-leee
- She's not actually pregnant - Not yet, but we're tryin'
Colin sez fatty foods like chips help lubricate-
- Just sit down and eat your salad, Lisa
- Well it's out of order!
Can't yer boyfriend do summat about it?
- Who's your boyfriend then?
- Daniel, 'e works 'ere
- (laughs) no no no no no no no
Not your Daniel, no, this is
a completely different Daniel
(laughs)
Lisa, this is Holly, Daniel's girlfriend
- So this other Daniel, is he in today then?
- Yeah - No!
- But 'e might be
I 'aven't 'ad chance to look at the latest rota
The last one 'ad me workin' Saturdays
Oh 'ang on, 'e is in, 'ere 'e comes now
Hey, Daniel!
- Yup
- Holly, this is Daniel, Katie's boyfriend
- How d'you mean, Katie's boyfriend?
- Shhh! - Owwwww! Why'd you do that?
- So where did you two meet then, Daniel? - We've got a lot to crack on with, Lisa
- Come on then you two lovebirds, where did you meet?
- At Valco?
- We met at the ice skate- - Sex shop
We met at the sex shop, then we went ice skating
- Awwww, tell 'im you luv 'im
- Go on
- Go on, tell 'im you luv 'im you cow
- I'd really love to hear more about India
up we get - Byee!
- See you later, then, I love you!
(laughs)
- Oh, we can 'ave so much fun with this
- Yeah, like a threesome
- What?
- Ow, don't do that
- Mm, this one.
- Get in!!
So that's 20 for Fruit Bomb,
Valco Greek Value Yoghurt, nil
Sorry, let me just count that again,
yeah, nil!
- You shouldn't be able to call it a Fruit Bomb,
it hasn't got any fruit in it.
- It 'asn't got any bombs in it either,
although a few of the ingredients do cross over
but look at the label, eh?
100% taste!
- Well everything has 100% taste
- Eh, it's no wonder I'm winnin', look
even your staff prefer my product
You see, Gavin?
I'm just givin' people what they want.
- So, a charity van will arrive
and collect all of this surplus food
at the end of every day
and all you have to do is supervise everything
It shouldn't take longer than an hour or two
- Great!
- D'you know what I was thinking?
We should go on a double date,
You, me, and the two Daniels,
the two Daniels, that sounds like a film, dunnit?
- Oh, God, I have missed you so much
So are you excited for our little date tonight?
- Oooh, what've you got planned? - Well, d'you know that Jamie Oliver
restaurant in Manchester?
- Wow, yes
- Well directly opposite that, there's a wicked strip club called Bangers
(laughs)
- He's trickin'
- She loves me to wind 'er up, don't ya?
- What d'you want, "Daniel"?
- What do I want? It's a good question. D'you know that girl on the tills,
what is her name?
She's always on the tip of my tongue
- Lisa
- Lllll Lisa yeah that's it
Well, I 'eard Lisa sayin' that she needs next Saturday off
so, like a family problem or somethin'
- Awwww, bless 'er
- She's not 'avin it off.
- Woah, no, now, that is not the Katie that I know
So tell me, is everythin' all right?
- (whispers) Fine, she can 'ave it off. - She can 'ave it off! I love you so much
From here.... - Oh look!
- And here!
- Yeah, I think I might leave you to it
if that's al- - Yeah
- No, Daniel is just goin', aren't you Daniel?
- Not until I've 'ad a kiss!
C'mon!
- Can I 'ave a word please?
Daniel?
(crash)
- Mmm, this one
- Yes!
69! Ha ha ha ha ha
Ahem, right
Well Mr Fruity Pants,
you don't know everythin'
- Well I know one thing - Well I know lots of things
- People want to be healthier and fitter and I am leading by example
- 'Ow are you leadin' by example?
It's obvious who's fitter out of you and me
- I'll have you know I cycle 17 miles a day
unless there's a threat of black ice - Well I ran a marathon last week
and the only thing in this six pack were a bowl of Cocoa Clusters
- Yes, that is because it was
full of sugar and E numbers
- Helps keep me super fit!
I bet you can't do 100 sit ups in two minutes
- I bet you can't either
- Try me!
- You're supposed to be makin' me pregnant, not Katie!
- It's not my fault if she wants me,
and in any case it was you, Leese, that was all
"Colin, can you pretend to be 'er real boyfriend"
I have to make it look real!
- Yeah, but don't grope 'er!
- Right, Leese, the only girl I wanna grope, is you.
- You're just sayin' that
- I mean it, I wanna grope you
for the rest of my life, alright?
I'll never find anyone as filthy as you.
- D'you really mean that? - Of course I do Leese, of course I do
Ooh, guess what?
- What?
- Guess!
- What?
- Right, Katie said
you can have next Saturday off!
- Oh my God, so we can spend the day tryin' fer a baby?
- We're gonna need to get some extra sheets
(alarm goes off)
- Fertilise me, Col! - Yep
Get on me! - Right!
(passionate groans)
- Get these off! - They're comin' off!
Take them off with yer mouth Take them off with yer mouth
- I can't, I can't get- - But it's really sexy when you do that
(crash)
- (chorus) One!
Two!
Three!
- D'you know what I can see in your eyes, Gavin?
A scared little robin whose nest is about to be torn from the tree
- (chorus) Seven!
- Yes, well that just shows you know absolutely nothing about robins
They happen to be territorial birds who nest in hedgerows and not trees
- (chorus) Ten!
Eleven!
Twelve!
Thirteen!
- Oh hi ya Janice, he he he
Twelve!
- Ah but you've said 12 already
- Oh did I?
Oh now I've lost me count
Twelve, thirteen!
- Don't go back to 12 again
- D'you know, that new canteen's made me really think what I should eat
Might try a new diet
- You don't need to go on a diet,
you look gorgeous Linda, you've never looked better
in all the time I've known you - Awwww, that's sweet
- Your turn, say something nice about me
- Is that a new name badge?
- Oh! (laughs)
- [Shai] Ninety-seven! - Are you feelin' the burn yet, Gavin?
- Ninety-eight, ninety-nine
- The burn of defeat?
- The only burn I'm feeling is from
the slow release of healthy calories from a sensible balanced diet
- Your ears have gone bright red
like a coupla robin's tits
- Ooo Gavin, 'e's right
- What will Cheryl say, eh?
When you lose? Bye bye Gavin
See you never
- Ooo Gavin, you alright?
- [Shai] Hundred and ten... - Owwwww
- Yes! Welcome to Loserville,
population, Gavin
- Arggggh
(crash)
(squeal of wheels)
- Oh. How's the hunger strike goin'?
- There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna come out with it.
I've done a terrible thing.
- You 'aven't killed a man with a single flick of yer mighty wrist, 'ave you?
- No, not yet
I've let down a young kid
who believes in me and looks up to me
- What, me?
- About 10 minutes ago I went on my break
God this is so hard
I was weak, and I couldn't think straight,
and I ate one of your Uncle Roger's Cheesy Fingers.
I say one, it was actually the whole bag.
I've let you down, 'Arry, and for that I'm truly sorry
- Oh don't worry mate, I never thought you'd do it anyway
- Oh I see, very sweet
You're tryin' to make me feel better
by pretendin' you don't look up to me
- I don't, not in the least
- Course you don't,
you're a good kid, d'you know that?
- I literally have no respect for you at all
- Booo! - Ahhhhhh!
(laughs)
- Well, today has been fun
- D'you mind seeing yourself out,
'cos I've got some paperwork I gotta finish, so...
- Katie, I really need to tell you somethin'
- That I'm the most inspirational person you ever met?
(laughs)
- What is it?
- I saw your Daniel earlier
kissin' Lisa, like, really kissin' Lisa
- Oh my God!
What an idiot!
- I decided to go over and say something but that's when I realised,
his name badge actually says "Colin"
- (laughs) No, that's just his sense of humour
He's a proper div
He is such an idiot, honestly
I cannot wait to finish with him
- He's not really called Daniel, is he?
- What?
- No, 'cos there's only one Daniel
and that's my Daniel
- Hey! - Hey, hey hey Daniel!
- How'd you get on?
- Yeah, I think we managed to get to the bottom of things, didn't we Katie?
- Yeah
Yeah, we really did
We had a real good day today
Anyway, I'd better go 'cos I've got some paperwork I have to finish, so
See you
- Katie's a laugh, isn't she? - Yeah
- I'm glad you two got the chance to get to know each other
- Yeah, we got to know each other
really well
- (sigh) Maybe these weren't such a good idea
- You're feeling a bit down, aren't you Gavin?
- Well I am, a little, yes
- Probably because Duncan beat you in the taste test
and turned out to be fitter, stronger and generally better than you
- Yes, that's probably why
- Are we gonna give up then?
- No
We need to think bigger
- Probably wouldn't be hard, they're like a size three
- Not bigger footprints,
but a bigger healthy eating campaign
I'm going to pull out all the stops
As God is my witness, I am not gonna
let Duncan Trench beat me again
- He probably will, though
That's what people are saying
- Boots! (laughs)
(crunch)
(theme music)