- Valco.
- Serves you right.
- I've prepared something.
(giggles)
- Can she just stop that? - Don't forget our brilliant. (laughs)
- From booze to biscuits.
- Red hot deals.
- Loads of two for ones.
- The finest butchers, the freshest meat.
- Service with a smile.
- Friendly staff always happy to help.
- Am I getting paid for this? - Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way.
- Tick.
- [All] Valco, serves you right!
- Now with added pleasure foods.
- God, two punctures I had on the way, two!
And had a big fly in my eye.
- Oh now I'd wondered where you'd got to. I thought you might have slept in
after our shenanigans last night. - What shenanigans?
I had a migraine and just wanted to be held.
- No, I meant before that.
You were magnificent.
- Oh, guilty as charged.
- I mean, your shuffle hop step was sublime.
(laughs)
- You know, jazz tap class really is terrific.
- Well I've opened your eyes to lots of things haven't I?
Jazz tap, Bonnie Tyler, lasagna.
- Oh nice, it's alright about the lasagna.
Flat pasta on a horizontal lattice, I mean,
what were they smoking when they came up with that?
(laughs)
That's got me thinking outside the box with healthy eating.
- Ah, now you might want to hold off on any more
healthy eating orders for now.
- Oh really, why?
- I'm not sure how to tell you this, but
if you don't get changed out of those shorts pronto
I won't be able to control myself.
- Ah well, you shall have to wait till tonight.
I'll stay off the strong cheddar to keep the migraines away.
(laughs)
But, until then.
- You're like a young Fred Astaire.
- And you're like a same age Ginger Rogers.
- And I looked at him and I said, "Don't tell me
you forgot our anniversary again?"
- Oh, I didn't know you were married to Neville.
- How many times, I'm not Linda I'm Sue!
- Oh, I'm sorry love, I ain't got me glasses on. (laughs)
- [Woman] The Volvo.
- I'm not saying it was your fault my sweet,
but you really should indicate when you go around corners.
- I did!
- Before you turn, not after.
- [Sue] What's all this? - Don't ask!
- Righteo!
- Neville's been teaching me how to drive
and there's like loads of nutters out there.
What did that woman shout at me?
- Don't drive into my children!
- Why do they let these people on the roads?
- Rather you than me Nev.
I tried to teach Linda myself, it was a bloody nightmare.
- You've had lessons before? - Yeah, but not many.
- 25, 25 times I put my life in her hands.
She's unteachable.
- Maybe for you, but Neville's not a quitter
are you Nev Nev?
- To be fair, the thought had crossed my mind.
- Right, well I'll go on strike then shall I?
How bout I refuse to cook for you until you help
me pass my test?
- To be honest, I do most of the cooking, so...
- I'm not doing the cleaning then.
- Again, since it's mainly me...
- Well, you're not getting any you know what.
- Which is also something I tend to do on my own still.
Point taken, I shall see you in the car park at one.
- Colin, you're not on shift today.
I'm not paying you overtime, you know.
- I don't want any money Gavin. At least not from Valco.
If I want a tenner I'll just get it off Neville.
I'm here because I want to work.
- Oh well good for you!
You know that is a exactly the kind of can do spirit
that optimises this whole healthy eating campaign.
- Yeah, definitely.
What's healthy eating?
- I'm gonna pretend that that's a joke
and finish my breakfast.
- To be honest Gav, I need a break from Lisa.
Do you know we've been trying for a baby.
- Oh lovely.
- Yeah, we're like doing it all the time.
And at first, you're like, oh well this is just fantastic
even if that is red raw,
but now, because she hasn't got pregnant yet Gav,
she wants to do it more and more often
and she wants to try every position.
Me talking doggy, wheelbarrow, propellor,
the butter churner.
- I really need to finish my breakfast. - She just keeps ramming it down me throat
and making me swallow.
You know, it's like, I don't know how to explain it.
- I have completely lost my appetite.
- Yes, exactly that!
Nice one Gav.
- When travelling on the motorway,
should you post updates on a, Facebook, b, Instagram,
or c, both?
- Um, both.
- Correct!
You are so gonna pass!
- Here's one for ya.
What's the stopping distance of a sales rep
travelling at six miles an hour?
- Do what?
- It's a trick question.
He cannot be stopped.
- God I admire you.
- Here, have a sugar butter bite.
100% real sugar.
Anyway, you don't need driving lessons.
Good looking girl like you should be chauffeured everywhere.
(laughs)
- Shut up!
- I'm just gonna go and throw this up. - Linda, question for you my sweet.
- Is it why are you going out with me? - No, although I do get that a lot.
No, it's about the driving lessons. - Whatever.
(laughs)
- What is it Neville?
- Rather than going out in an actual car on roads,
might we try a bit of role playing for the driving?
- If you want.
That's the only role playing you'll be getting though.
- You should be grateful he's even attempting to teach ya!
- Since when did you take Neville's side and not mine?
- I have to say, it's nice but slightly confusing Sue.
- Shut your face Neville!
- That's better.
- (gasps) Oh dear.
- Are you crying Gavin?
- No, no, no, it's very windy when I cycled in.
I got a big fly in my eye.
- Thought you might be crying cause there are hardly
any customers.
- Oh no, it's just Tuesday morning. Tuesday's are always a bit funny.
(laughs)
- Yeah, I see what you mean actually.
- No, no, more funny odd not funny ha ha.
- Excuse me, could you direct me
to the local history section please?
- What are you talking about? - This is a library isn't it? (laughs)
You scared off all the customers
with your healthy eating bollocks!
- What do you want Duncan?
- I'm meeting your missus later for a full body massage.
- A full body massage?
- I mean meeting, although who knows.
But first I want to commiserate.
- What are you talking about Trench?
- I'm talking about your healthy eating thing.
Warrington says it's an all time low.
- What?
- He said Warrington sales are at an all time--
- Yes, I know what he said I just don't understand why.
- Word is head office want to take your pet project
to the vet, give it a lethal injection to the face.
- What?
- He said head office want to take your-- - Would you please just stop talking Shai.
- Cheryl hasn't told ya!
OM shit!
- I don't know what ridiculous rumours you think
you've heard--
- They're not rumours, they're fact.
Everyone knows, Pleasure Foods, all your other suppliers.
Probably even him!
- Yes, I do, but only because I read Cheryl's emails.
- You what?
- By the way her cousin got engaged. Finally. (laughs)
- Face it Gavin, you've damned this branch with your
healthy eating plague.
It's going down and so are you.
(laughs)
- Just don't Shai.
- Nothing!
Nothing Nev!
Normally when a babe like that walks past, you can pitch a tent on this bad boy,
but now, I just feel numb and lifeless.
(gasps)
Is this what it's like being you?
- Actually Colin, I've got a very healthy libido.
Quite frustrating at the moment.
Linda's denying me conjugal rights til she passes
her driving test.
- You lucky bastard.
All I get at the minute is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
It's becoming boring and depressing.
It's like working with you.
- Colin, well since you're here, you can at least do something.
This counter's just filthy.
Give it a clean please.
- I'm in turmoil here Gavin!
Aye, thingie.
- Shai.
- Whatever, Gavin said clean the meat counter
and get me a can of Stella.
- When I first started working here Gavin said
do not do anything Colin asks,
he'll just take advantage of you.
- I dread to think what he said about me. - Nothing, literally.
He didn't even mention you.
- I can't even control the div shelf stacker Nev.
It's like I've been castrated.
What do you feel Nev?
- It's quite uncomfortable.
- Is it true?
Has healthy eating put the branch in danger?
- I was going to tell you.
- But you didn't though.
- You just looked so sweet and vulnerable.
Your helmet always has the effect on me.
- I had to hear it through Duncan Trench.
You know the last time I was this humiliated
is when I slipped off a horse on a merry go round.
All the kids they laughed and jeered
as I lay on the floor bleeding! - And I helped you up, remember?
Just like I'm going to help you now over this
minor failure.
(sighs)
- But I wanted to fly the flag for healthy eating.
And instead I've hit this iceberg of hydrogenated transfat
and enumbers.
- That metaphor might need some work. - I know it needs--
- I'm so sorry.
- Milky udders.
You've been sneaking Pleasure Foods chocolates.
Fudge nuggets.
We're meant to be setting an example to our customers.
You agreed that we'd be the major Tim Peake at the supermarket industry.
True and just and everything that's healthy
and good in this world.
- I know and I'm sorry but something I find Tim Peake
just a bit boring.
- What?
So all those times we watched him live in space?
You were faking it?
- No, no, maybe once or twice.
- You were so conniving.
All those oos and ahs.
- Cause I wanted you to enjoy it!
To be honest, I was just tired and I wanted to go to sleep.
But that doesn't mean I don't love you.
- We are still talking about the live broadcast
on the international space station. - Yes we are, yes, and I'm so sorry.
But most of all, I'm sorry about healthy eating.
It's over Gavin love.
- Today is a good day!
No, a great day and do you know why?
- You've been fired and you're looking for some rope.
I'll offer it.
- I love it and for the record, I drove the five series
off the cliff. (roars)
Today is a good day because healthy eating is no more.
(knocks)
- Oi, leave him alone, I like looking at him.
- Well, you better get used to it darling,
cause pretty soon all these healthy eating displays
will be replaced with my product.
I'm in charge of castle of Valco now.
- What you banging on about?
- I came, I saw,
I kicked Gavin's ass!
(thuds)
The king is dead, long live the me!
- Bell end.
- Bring on the trumpets and stop the clocks.
I give you the next big thing from Pleasure Foods,
Assailant.
It's gonna make your packet.
Go on, pick a number.
- Um four.
- And add 15 zeroes.
That is literally how much money this baby's gonna make you
in year one.
- 400 quadrillion?
- Exactly.
This stuff'll put hairs on your chest and feet.
This is the Geoff Capes of energy drinks.
And I'm offering you the chance to be the first to sell it.
- Geoff Capes was my first crush.
- So then I think, decision made?
- It's very tempting Duncan,
but I'm gonna need more time to think about it.
This drink is totally at odds
with Gavin's healthy eating campaign.
- Well, must be difficult to support someone
who's losing the branch so much money and putting everyone's jobs at risk.
Still, I can respect the loyalty.
- Knock knock!
- Oh Cheryl, please, I'm a married man.
You'll have to watch this one Gavin, she's a right firecracker. (laughs)
- Oh thank you Gavin!
- Has somebody brought you flowers? - Great minds aye?
- Yeah, these are really sweet.
- By sweet she means small.
So back to business or do you need a break to discuss
the size of Gavin's bunch?
- Assailant.
What's this noxious monstrosity?
- Yeah, Gavin.
- I bet it's bubble gum flavoured paint stripper,
probably glows in the dark.
- It does to help poor children read without a torch.
- Valco will not now, or ever sell that poison.
Now, clear your pitch up and get out please.
- Duncan, will you give us a minute please?
- May I just say how offended I am, as a feminist,
that you would undermine your girlfriend at work.
Don't women have enough to contend with?
I'll call you later sweetheart.
(door slams)
- Let me get this straight.
You're willing to cancel my healthy eating campaign
and sell that, that...
Why can I not think of an adjective. - Because you're being irrational.
I mean, this is business, it's not personal.
- Just because we eat lasagna doesn't mean we're in the mafia Cheryl.
Now, I'm going to give healthy eating one last push.
And when I have proven to you that it can be profitable
then I hope that you will have the decency
not to sign that contract.
(door clicks) (sighs)
Just don't forget to trim the stalks, they'll last longer.
(door clicks)
- Have you been out driving again? - We had a little accident.
- It wasn't really we though was it dear?
- It was your car.
- Yes, and my no claims bonus.
- It wasn't my fault anyway.
He's put me me off with all his noises.
- I don't see how my breathing counts as a noise.
- It's distracting Neville!
- And I tried to hold my breath but it's a bit of a strain
doing it for the whole lesson. - Neville, are you bleeding?
- Yes, I did suffer quite a profuse nose bleed,
but I managed to stem the blood.
- Said I was sorry.
- Yes you did my darling, eventually. - I can't believe I'm saying this,
but this man's a saint teaching you to drive.
I'll go and get you a wet paper towel Nev.
- I can't quite believe you're saying it either
but thank you Sue.
Shame about the write off.
- Wasn't a write off.
Just crammed it a bit.
- I was talking about my car.
Although we are going to have to inform the owner
of the pranged car too.
- Sue's gonna kill me.
- Margaret, what have you got for depression?
- Gone with the Wind Max Media Press.
You know that bit where helicopter crashes,
oh I find that so upsetting.
- Nevermind.
- Well you look a bit sad Colin.
Come and talk to your Auntie Margaret.
- Me and Lisa are trying for a baby.
- She used to be with Neville.
- That's Linda Margaret.
I'm talking about Lisa, we're trying for a baby yeah.
And she just keeps making me you know.
- Oh I were the same with my Allen when we were trying.
And he got a big one, probably bigger than yours.
But when I got pregnant, my nagging paid off.
He gave up that blasted pipe and that's what you should do!
- I don't smoke a pipe Margaret because I'm not 112.
I'm talking about what happens when things get dirty
in the bedroom.
- You put them in the wash basket!
- I can't believe I'm talking about this to you.
- I've been married for 40 years.
I've got two children, four grandchildren.
Did I ever tell you what happened on my wedding night?
Oh, it was disgusting!
- And there's your sausages.
How did Sue take the news?
- I tried to tell her but I just don't know how.
She's gonna be so angry with us.
- Again my love, it was you who was driving.
- In your car with your stupid breathing noises!
- Alright, alright, never fear, Neville is here.
Sue and I seem to have bonded over teaching you to drive.
I'm sure she'll be fine if I tell her.
- Aw Nev Nev, you're like the best boyfriend in the world.
(smacks)
And she won't be fine, she'll be physically violent,
but thank you so much.
Oh Sue, Neville's got something he wants to tell ya.
- Can it wait, I need a wee.
- I'm afraid it can't.
There's no easy way to say this Sue.
It was your car that Linda crashed into.
- You absolute knob end!
- I know and I'm so sorry.
- Not you, him!
This is all your fault Neville! - Is it?
- I told you not to take her out, I told you it's impossible
to teach her.
- To be fair, she did.
- You need to grow a pair Neville.
You've got to learn how to say no to Linda, like I do.
- You really do Neville!
It was so traumatic,
(cries) when I crashed into that passing lane.
- And I want my car fixed this week. - At the very latest!
- And resprayed.
- It's the least you can do Neville. And don't even think about coming near me
for at least a year!
- Don't worry, I'll get my own paper towel.
- And in the end, we did get a room with a sea view.
But the way that hotel made us wait was--
- Disgusting yeah, yeah, you've said lots.
But what I really need Margaret is advice.
- Well my advice is this,
you've got a smashing girl there, beautiful, funny, kind.
You know I've always like Linda. - Lisa.
- And if you don't give her what she wants someone else might.
- You're right Margaret.
If I don't give that beautiful beautiful woman
what she wants--
I might lose her.
Oh you're a wise woman Margaret.
- I know I am.
Here why don't you give her a call
and tell her how you feel.
- It's a credit card machine.
(clanks)
- Terrible news isn't it?
You must be gutted. - Why, what's happened?
- Oh no, I probably shouldn't tell you.
- Alrighteo.
- Alright, you forced my hand.
Gavin's healthy eating campaign has failed.
The store's under threat.
You could lose your job by the end of the month.
- Oh, but I've just booked a holiday. - I hope you've got insurance.
- Did you hear that Neville?
I might have to cancel me holiday.
I don't think I've got any insurance.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Were you going anywhere nice? - No, we're staying at home.
Allen hates travelling. - Also, sales are at rock bottom
because of Gavin's healthy eating campaign.
You could be out of a job by the end of the week.
- I can't go back to the YMCA. I know I've said it before,
but it's really nothing like the song, not one bit.
Colin, you'll never guess what.
- Yeah, you've seen Lisa, she's waiting in the loading bay
for me because her baby's back
with his red hot sausage action.
- Something much worse.
I might have to cancel my holiday.
- Also, sales are catastrophic
because of Gavin's healthy eating debacle.
The store's gonna close, you could be out of a job
by the end of today.
And when Gavin
goes for a wee he sits down like a woman.
Keep it to yourselves or don't, your call.
(clanking)
- Right, hello sir.
Can I interest you in something
from our healthy eating range? No, ta.
- Why don't you just try one of our lovely
multi-grain rice cakes.
- I have, and I don't like them.
- Honestly, you people.
Do you want to lose weight or not? - What did you say?
- Oh, no thanks, it doesn't matter.
- Gavin, Neville can't go back to the RSPCA
and I can't cancel me holiday because I haven't
got no insurance.
- What are you talking about Margaret?
- She's talking about the branch closing down.
- Yeah, the sales are catalytic!
- And when you have a piss you sit down like a woman.
- What?
- Damn man, we've got a right to know. - The branch is not closing.
- I'm talking about how you have a piss.
- What we want to know is if we're gonna lose our jobs.
- Why would you think you're all losing your jobs?
- We've heard the store's closing cause of healthy eating.
- Well, well, well.
Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.
What have you done?
- Yeah, what have you done more like.
Have you been spreading poison Duncan Trench?
- No, it's just a little cocktail I like to call,
the truth.
- You wouldn't know the truth if it came up to you
with a laminated name badge.
- Don't shoot the messenger,
although you'd probably miss if you tried.
Unless you were sat down.
- Don't make me angry Duncan.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
- I don't like you anyway.
You are a cornered little field mouse
and I'm the king of the jungle.
I'm gonna roar so loud you'd wish you'd never had ears.
Face it Gavin, you lost.
Both healthy eating and Cheryl.
- You don't say that!
- Cheryl'll be looking for a new manager soon
and a new boyfriend.
Maybe I'll apply for both.
(groans)
(crashes) (yells)
My face, my face!
- What is going on?
- It's him, he's a psycho, he's broken my face!
- I didn't touch his face!
- You're not fit to govern this branch
and that's exactly what I'll be telling Graham Riviera
at Valco head office!
- Or, or you could just shut your mouth
and we could go up to my office and we can sign off
on the deal for Assailant.
- No, Cheryl, please don't.
What would Tim Peake say?
- Enough!
It's over.
(slow piano music)
- When she said it's over looked really angry.
Did she mean you two or just healthy eating?
- I don't know Shai.
This time, I just don't know.
- You're voting on both.
(instrumental music)