-Valco! -Serves you right.
-I've prepared something. -It's OK!
-Can she just stop that? -Don't forget our brilliant...
-From booze to biscuits! -Red-hot deals.
-Loads of two-for-ones.-The finest butchers, the freshest meat.
I love the Valco tick! (GIGGLES)
Service with a smile.
Friendly staff always happy to help.
-Am I getting paid for this? -Tick!
Serves you right!
Don't forget the Valco tick.
Check that.
Valco, serves you right!
Purple Rain!
It's incredible!
I know! I can't believe it either. The green...
Just slightly darker.
Exactly!
Oh, well...
I suppose we'd better go and give the fans
what they've been waiting for.
Give me a G, give me an A,
give me a V, give me an I, give me an N!
Gavin!
Whoo! Yeah! Aaah!
Sorry, can you just slow down a bit, please? Thank you.
Happy New Uniform Day, everyone!
Are we excited?
-No. -Please stop talking, Gavin.
Whoo!
Now, I appreciate that it's a little bit different,
and some of you may need time to adjust.
-You freaking out a bit, Gav? -No!
Have they changed the green, Gavin?
Maybe a bit, but I think it looks really snazzy!
So without further ado, I'd like you all to come up one by one
to collect yours. And first up is Margaret.
Oh, me? Oh, my goodness!
But I've got nothing prepared.
So what's your size, Margaret?
Oh! Ow!
I'm a 38 double-E, if you must know.
And my Alan likes me to wear a smaller size
-because he says it pushes...-It's just medium, large or extra-large, Margaret.
Oh? Oh, I'll have a medium.
Just there. No, don't do it here, Margaret!
Why don't you take yourself off to the locker room?
Is that a new suit then, Gavin?
No, this isn't a uniform, Shai. My suits are my own.
So that's what people meant when they said you had bad taste.
-What?-Yeah. Most people can't believe Cheryl's with a guy like you.
But then some women do like men way below their league.
-What?!-Way, way below. You must worry about holding on to her.
I've got a lot to do, Shai.There's a new security guard starting, so I've...
-Especially withthe wedding coming up. -Shai, why don't you just fu...
Were you going to say the F-word?
Cos it sounded like you were.
Ooh! Forty degrees. Look at that.
Whaa!
Arm behind the back, kick both legs out and you're mine.
Too easy.
Donna Calabresi, elite security consultant.
Pleasure to meet you, Mr Strong.
-Call me Gavin. -I'd rather not.
-Blurs boundaries. -Er, right...
Well, I'm sorry, I didn'trealise that you'd come up to the office already.
No. Nobody did, Gavin.
I walked right through, unimpeded. Could've been anyone.
Yeah, except you've got the keyfob and the security codes that we sent you.
Didn't need them. Well, the key fob I did.
I forgot the code, so I kicked the door in.
-It was easy. -Right.
Would you care to take a seat?
No, thanks. Once I've started my shift I keep standing.
More alert. Even through lunch or on the crapper.
-Plus sitting can kill you.It's a well-known fact. -I don't think it can.
I first start with a full sweep of the compound, Mr Strong.
-I'll give you a full reportby the end of the day. -OK, well, you know...
it's really just shoplifters you'll need to worry about.
-They're mostlyjust school kids... -Bastards.
-Pardon? -Kids.
Won't take the piss out of me, Mr Strong, not anymore.
Right...
Anyway, I'll get going.
I don't like to stay inone room for too long, not even on the crapper.
-Could you pleasestop saying that? -Yeah, not a problem.
Not a problem. You see, you can count on me, Gavin.
Cos I'm a professional, an elite professionalism.
-Super.-Oh, and I will be needing a new key fob
and the security codes as well.
Do you know what?I'm a size 8 in this. Must be all that gym work.
-An 8? Are you shite! -Yeah, I am.
-Let me have a look. -No.
-You've cut the label out! -Yeah, cos it scratches.
-You're a lying cow, Linda! -(LAUGHTER)
Delivery for "Neville's number one gal".
-Oh, my God. Yeah, that's me. -What the hell?
Thanks.
-Tah-dah! -Doves? Are you stupid?
One for each heavenly yeartogether. Nothing else could rival your beauty, Linda.
Just look at the plumage on...
-(LINDA SCREAMS) -Drat.
-You're such an idiot! -Oh, double drat.
Oh, God!
Oh, no! Oh, come on!
Three years. Oh, love, I'm so sorry.
I...I had no idea.
-It's OK. You weren't to know. -You shouldn't be here.
You should be at home with your family or a close friend.
No, I want to keep busy.
Come on! Come on! Oh!
It was only supposed to be a Christmas kiss!
I know, love, I know!
Just past the mouthwash and the electric toothbrushes.
-Guess who? -Cheryl Fairweather.
Oh, Gavin, it's supposed to be a game!
Oh, sorry, sorry. Do it again?
-No... -Oh, go on!
Oh, alright then. Guess who?
Oh, I can't think of anybody funny. I'm sorry.
And how is my area manager and regional fianc\e?
Amazing. In Wigan for a hire, Witness for a fire.
-(BOTH) Rhyme!-Then I heard that Brendan was coming to Warrington.
-Brendan O'Connor coming here? -Yes!
-Flying without wings! Why?-(Irish accent) Because I feckin' own the place, Gavin!
That is uncanny. So, Heather,can you do an emergency spruce up of the front entrance?
-The big cheese is on his way. -Right. I'll let the deli know.
-Sorry? -About the big cheese.
It's just an expression, Heather. It means "the boss".
-Oh? -(LAUGHTER)
I'll get on it straight away, sir.
(attempts Irish accent) She's not the full shilling that one.
-That's gone sort of Welsh. -What about this?
-That's more Indian? -What about that now?
-That's Scottish.-Why aye, pet, how does that sound?
-Geordie, North-East, clearly.-I can't do it anymore. I had it and it's gone.
Now, come on, look...
(DOVES FLUTTERING)
New tunic's got epaulets!
Ooh, it's like you're in the army. (LAUGHS)
Well, I am in a way - the science army.
Bombing infections with chemical weapons of mass prescription.
Peacekeeping with local bacteria,
who don't speak much English and...
Well, anyway...
You haven't forgotten about tonight, have you?
Dinner? Ooh, no. No, not forgotten.
Oh, we're right looking forward to having you both round.
It'll be nice to finally meet Alan.
And your wife the doctor!
Oh, it's going to be so much fun.
There'll just the four of us.
I did mention that me and Alan are swingers, didn't I?
Do you mean swingers, Margaret?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we often have another couple around
-so we can share partners. -OK, go on.
Well, sometimes whole parties,where we all have a go with each other.
It can get quite sweaty sometimes,
you know, the different moves.
OK, Margaret, enough.
Please tell me you know what swingers' parties are?
Of course, I do. Swinging '60s!
Beatles, Lulu, Cilla... (LAUGHS)
Oh, and the food at these parties!
One week, we even got involved in a spit roast!
(SHE LAUGHS)
How can I help?
You look great.
-(HE GROWLS) -Ooh!
Gavin!
Mr O'Connor. What an honour.
-Rhyme! -(THEY LAUGH)
To what do we owe the pleasure?
You've come to see the new uniforms, I presume?
Gavin, do I look like a manwho gives a shite about new uniforms? Do I?!
-No. -Well, I do.
They need to get you a better suit for starters.
-Well, this is my own. -Jesus!
-Told you. -Thank you, Shai.
-You remembermy fianc\e, Cheryl? -Fianc\e?
How did you manage that, Gavin?
-Hung like a racehorse. -Is that right, Gavin?
-Definitely not, sir.-Well, I'll be the judge of that. Ah!
Oh, that's very good, Gavin. Yeah.
It's a bit thin, lots of weight though. Huh?
Right, I need to talk to you, Gavin. I need your help.
Of course, sir. What with?
It's very private, Gavin!
It's very private and very personal!
Right. Perhaps you should come to my office then.
Perfect. Cos I warn you, Gavin,
I'm gonna do some crying. A lot of it!
Gavin!
Well, I've still got two,
but that third sure is a slippery critter.
And whoever knew the bird of peace could be so violent?
Still, all in the name of love.
Eh, Colin?
Isn't it the sweetest thing in the world?
I'm trying to sleep here, Neville!
D'you know how many hourskip I got last night because of the baby?
-Yes, you did say. -Nine and a half hours.
It's ridicu... Me and Lisahad to shag lying down, we were so knackered.
I do apologise. Go back to sleep.
I will continue working your station.
-I'm already awake now, Neville! -I was just saying...
Three glorious years, three years of happiness
because of one amazing woman.
I've been saved, by a woman.
Yeah, I have, I have been saved.
-Right, yes. -Ooh!
There's my baby!
Hello, baby! Hello, baby.
Did you decide on a name in the end?
Baby. Just made so much sense.
-Yeah, we just kept forgettingthe others, didn't we? -Delightful.
You look well, Lisa. How's life as a mum?
Fine. They just sort of look after themselves, don't they?
-Yeah.-Oh, I remember that age like it was yesterday.
Me and Vanessa driving Chloearound in the car to get her to sleep.
Stopping at Mike's. Picking up Vanessa in the morning...
Who's a boring man? Neville's a boring man! I know!
-At least you're spendingsome quality time as a couple. -Yeah.
Colin put in a bit of quality time down there this morning.
-Oh, yeah, man.I was like a dog with a boner. -Oh, right.
It was like bobbing for apples at a fun fair.
-Gosh. -You just turn me on so much.
Shall I take baby? I think...
Shall we go and look at the doves? That's it.
That's it, baby. Let's look at the doves. Look at that.
-She's leaving me, Gavin. -Oh, dear.
-Mrs O'Connor, I presume? -Yes.
-Brenda. She's leaving me.-Is your wife called Brenda, Brendan?
-Yes. Why? -No reason.
Said she can't take any more of my mood swings.
My fucking mood swings, Gavin!! Huh?
Well, that seems very unreasonable.
Well, exactly. That's why I came to you, you see.
Because if a man like you can get a woman like Cheryl,
-you must have a way with women. -Er...
I mean, she's so... out of your league.
Well... Anyway, I'm very glad to help, sir.
-God, I love you. -Thank you, Mr O'Connor.
Let's go drinking, huh? Come on.
Let's get fucked up. Hit somebars, get a couple of prostitutes.
C'mon! Just the two of us. We'll be like brothers, only naked!
I'm not sure that a bittershandy and purchasing love is the answer, sir.
No, you're right. You're always right.
There's only one thing left to do.
-You're going to haveto call her. -What?
Tell her... Tell her I'm sorry.
Tell her that I need her, for God's sake! It's ringing.
Christ!
Um... Hello! Hello, hello. Yeah, er, Brenda?
Yes, it is Gavin. How did you...? Anyway, listen.
I've got Brendan here with me.
He's really very, very upset.
Er, he says, um, that he loves you.
He's never said that before?
No! No, I don't think you should do anything rash, Brenda!
Yes, I'll... I'll tell him.
Yes, you have a lovely day too. Yes, bye. Bye, Brenda!
-Well? -She said she wants a divorce.
She wants half of everything, including Valco.
Ooh! Ah! Aw!
Pull door.
I mean, why would you tell her that I love her, Gavin?
Why would you do something so stupid?
You said to. You wrote it on a piece of paper.
I meant it to you, Gavin. To you! Now she thinks I'm weak.
Vulnerable. She's gonna come after half.
Have you got any idea how much that's worth, Gavin?
Well, you've an estimated worth of 1.1 billion.
You've got a 60% stakein Valco Foods and the Valco Food Group.
-Around 300 million,plus dividends. -Bollocks!
You just gave away 300 million, Gavin.
That's like five hospitals,Gavin. You've just closed five hospitals.
300 million! How in the name of Jesus
am I supposed to recover all of that, huh?
Not with sweet fucking cheeses! Huh?
I'll have to close Valco. You've just closed Valco!
Sir, I'm really sorry for yoursituation, but I can't be held responsible.
In order to recoup that muchmoney, Valco would have to be open 24 hours a day,
-and we all know thatthat's not possible. -Wait!
-Say that again.-Valco would have to be open 24...
I don't need you to say itagain, Gavin, I heard you the first time!
-It's genius! -What is?
24-hour opening.That could make enough money to cover the 300 million.
I bloody love you, Gavin.
Please, let's not start all that again.
I can't believe we didn't do it sooner.
-I thought this was aboutgetting your wife back? -What?!
Why would I want her back? She's a terrible woman.
No, this was about me not being able to afford the divorce.
But you... you've solved all of that.
Can't thank you enough.
-Brendan! -Hiya, girls?
You'll get your death of cold up there.
-Here, Gavin! -(GIGGLING)
Whooo!
That should sort your hay fever, which, in truth,
is a made-up allergy and doesn't actually exist. Thank you.
Got a bottle of plonk. That should loosen Alan up a bit.
-Loosen him up? -Well, he can be shy at first,
but when he gets going, he's quite the showman is Alan.
-Uh-huh. -Yeah, he's a real comedian.
Oh! (LAUGHS) He put my shoes on once!
-You know, just for a laugh. -Crazy!
Oh, it were so funny. His feet are the same size as mine.
-Oh, he did look silly. -I'm sure.
Well, I'd been on holiday with my sister,
and I don't know how he guessed that I were coming home early,
but when I got in, he's in the bedroom wearing all my clothes!
(LAUGHS) A wig, full make-up, and he'd got my shoes on!
Oh, it were so funny! Oh, we laughed and laughed! Oh!
And then never talked about it again.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
No, it's no good. 24-hour opening!
-Try my inhaler. -Oh, thank you.
His lips touched it. His lips actually touched it.
Look, it's not the endof the world and Warrington gets the footfall.
Plus we'll be providinga service to the community throughout the night.
I can't believe you'd say that,Cheryl! You know what I feel about even opening on a Sunday!
-Yeah, I know, love.-A supermarket needs to lie fallow at night.
Yes, but remember what we said about change.
Yeah, but... Yeah... Chilled!
And anyway it'll probably never even happen.
You know what Brendan's like.He's random at the best of times.
He's probably already forgotten. Excuse me. Carol.
Yuh-huh. Yuh-huh. Yuh-huh. Brendan?
Yes.
Yes. Yes. Gavin did.
Oh, I see. Oh, that's great news, Carol. Thanks for calling.
-Yeah, bye-bye. Bye-bye now. -What did she say?
I'm afraid it's already done.He's told everyone it was your idea
and now everybody at head office hates you.
-What was the "great news"? -My Amazon delivery's arrived.
-(DOVE COOS) -Oh, Mother!
Oh.
It's just water.
If you're this fed up, why don't you just dump him?
How? How do you dump Neville?
He's the sweetest, most sensitive man I've ever met.
-So annoying though. -So annoying.
It's just not how I see my life panning out.
And what if he wants kids?I couldn't give them his DNA, it wouldn't be fair.
No. No, it wouldn't be, love.
D'you know what, Sue? You look really nice in that new uniform.
-It really suits ya. -No way!
-What? -I'm not doing it for you.
-Oh, mate, please!-No way. You've made your bed, you lie in it.
Besides, he's not that bad, is he?
♪ Ooooh, Linda!
♪ My favourite dream, always looking gorgeous
♪ You're the cutest I've seen.
♪ Ever since I met you, you've captured my heart
♪ And if you want a Romeo, then I'll play the part. ♪
- Stop! -♪ Linda... ♪
I can't take anymore, Nev. I just can't.
Another tune, my love?
♪ My girl Linda, she's the cream of the crop
♪ And since I started loving her I just can't stop.
♪ She's got beautiful eyes and beautiful hair,
♪ I'm so lucky I'm her teddy bear. ♪
We're over, Nev. It's done. We're splitting up.
Can you do that one again?
♪ My girl Linda, she's the cream of the crop
♪ And since I started loving you, I just can't stop.
♪ She's got beautiful eyes and beautiful hair,
♪ I'm so lucky I'm her teddy bear.
♪ My girl Linda, she's the cream of the crop
♪ And since I started loving you, I just can't stop.
♪ She's got beautiful eyes and beautiful hair... ♪
We're gonna need 20 new staff!
And more stock, and a bigger cold store.
When are we gonna get the cleaners in?
The floor is just going to look like a disco at closing time.
Well, you've never even been to a disco, my love,
and you wouldn't stay until closing time.
-Mr Strong. -Oh, it's you, Donna.
I really wish that you would knock.
Ah, can't do that, I'm afraid. Loses the element of surprise.
-Hi, Donna Calabresi. -Hello.
Did my security evaluation, Mr Strong.
Right. What are we looking at here then?
Oh, um...
That is Valco Warrington.
There's the car park. That's my Subaru Impreza.
Uh-huh. What are all the red bits?
Points of vulnerability.
-Well, they're everywhere. -Affirmative.
This store is like a big pair of open legs.
And we're the balls just waiting to be kicked.
My recommendation is we close down the store.
Oh, absolutely not.
-Right. -Plan B?
I don't really have one.
I thought you'd go with closing down the store.
-How about losing the tills? -No.
OK, then, I'm gonna need a deputy.
My brother Ty could do it for 30 quid a day.
He used to have a crack problem but he's clean now.
OK. Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Especially if this 24-hour thing's happening.
How did you know about that?
Can't tell you that, I'm afraid.
Don't want to compromise my sources.
Also you have a pigeon infestation.
Just FYI.
-(HE SIGHS)-Hey, look enough of the worrying, you.
This 24-hour thing's going to be fine.
And anyway, it won't even be your problem.
-It'll be the jobof a night manager. -Of course!
No, wait. I can't share the store with someone else.
-What?-Not with someone else. No, not my Valerie!
You... You've named the store "Valerie"?
Yeah, Valerie Valco.
-Actually, can you forgetyou ever heard that? -Yes, I think I better had.
Little fact. All pigs are made out of wafer thin ham.
-Really? -Hey, Lisa. You alright?
Yeah. Just came in to show everyone Baby.
-I've been here ages, actually. -Can I see her?
Oh, Nev's just changing her out the back.
Sorry that took such a long time.
It really was the mosthorrifying poo for such a young baby.
Aww! I think she's done another.
-Nev, let's go! -Yes, of course.
Only I did want to speak to Linda. She's dumped me, you see.
It's not all about you, is it, Nev!
No. Right you are.
Do you know what, she takes after Papa. Why?
-Because I always double poo. -He does.
He poos, then he comes back, says he needs another poo,
-so he goes for another. -Fascinating.
-I just do a massive onein the morning. -I really don't care.
-You go for oneat night and all. -Yeah, I always do.
-And at lunch. -This one loves a lunchtime poo.
-Oh, God, I have missed this. -What?
This. Grown-up conversation.
Stuck at home on the sofa all day. It's just not me.
I am a career woman.
I thrive in a high-pressure working environment.
Well, why don't you swap?Colin, you could be a stay-at-home dad.
I could be a modern father, no problem. Like, oooh!
Like that dudeon the Athena poster. You know, when he's like...
-Oh, you'd really do that? -I love my baby.
-And it would be an honour. -All done.
-Yeah? Have you fed her? -No. Is she due a feed?
-I'm... I'm not sure! -Right you are. Ooh!
-Oh, no! -What's the matter?
My wife's in the middle ofan operation and it's running over.
She won't be able to make it tonight.
Oh, that's terrible!
It is. Well, you know what these doctors are like.
-Yeah. Bloody idiots! -Exactly!
-Bastards! -Oh, yeah...
Look, I'm really sorry.
After all the trouble you and Alan have gone to.
-Oh, it's no problem, honestly. -You sure?
-Yeah, course. -Oh, that's good of you.
It'll be nice just the three of us, anyway.
-What?-You'll need a meal, especially if your wife's working late.
-But I thought...-It'll give Alan a good chance to get to know you better.
He's been saying, "Ooh, I can't wait
to tell Brian about my third leg."
-What? -Oh, it's huge!
-Oh, you should see it. -Dear God!
He lets me have a go on it sometimes, but...
I don't like walking sticks, do you?
(SIGHS)
(LINDA SOBS)
-Linda, can I have a word? -(SNIFFS) Yeah.
I just wanted to say, I understand.
-Really? -Yes. In truth,
I've been waiting for this day for about three years.
Me too.
-I mean, I've been expecting it. -Oh.
I've tried to give you what you want, but I've come up short.
I just want you to know
I will always treasure the time we've spent together.
-Everybody's going to thinkI'm such a cow. -No, no.
They will. They won't know how hard it's been for me.
-I'll tell them.-But everyone's gonna be on your side cos you've been dumped.
I dumped you.
It doesn't get any easier to hear.
-It's so unfair. (SOBS) -I know. I know.
-Here we go. -Here we go, have some ham.
-Go on. -24 hours! What a future.
Oh, she'll be fine. Won't you, Valerie?
I'll drop you at your mum's.
She'll be so pleased that we've finished.
Oh, no! Not again.