-Valco! -Serves you right.
-I've prepared something. -It's OK!
-Can she just stop that? -Don't forget our brilliant...
-From booze to biscuits! -Red-hot deals.
-Loads of two-for-ones. -The finest butchers, the freshest meat.
I love the Valco tick!
Service with a smile.
Friendly staff always happy to help.
-Am I getting paid for this? -Tick!
Serves you right!
Don't forget the Valco tick.
Check that.
Valco, serves you right!
Oh, did she? Oh, bless.
Hey, send us a photo, will ya?
Baby just shat herself. (CHUCKLES)
Lisa, can you get off the phone, please? You've got a customer.
-Oh, actually, I'm due a break. -You've just had one.
Yeah, I need another, cos I'm a new mum.
-If you were breastfeeding. -Yeah, totally am.
-Every hour on the hour. -Is that right?
I don't have to answer that. I've got rights.
-Oh, here we go. -I could get you sacked for even talking about my breasts.
-I'm not talking about your... -You're obsessed with them!
Lisa, I do not care about your breasts!
Oh, my God! You can't say that either!
Hiya!
-Er, Donna. -Yeah.
Are you still living in your car?
Yes and no. Yes, I'm still living in my car...
-And no? -There's not a no, to be honest.
Do you need me to call someone at the council or something?
Oh, God, no. I've got a house. I do this out of choice, mate.
-Why? -Well, let me tell you a story
about a little girl called Donna...
Donna, will you just tell me why you're sleeping in your car?
Response times. Helps me get to a situation quicker.
Saves me time from running the car to the house.
-Also I've locked myself out. -OK.
Well, can you not do your ironing at work, please?
Okay, but...
let me tell you a little story about a woman named Donna...
Morning, Margaret!
What time d'you call this?
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Doctor Brian.
I've had a heck of a morning. Alan couldn't get it up.
Here we go.
Couldn't get what up, Margaret? The umbrella?
The wall clock? The loft ladder?
There were sheets and pillows flying all over the place
and he's huffing and puffing. Oh!
Here's the thing, Margaret, I'm not going there with you.
I'm just not. I've been burnt too many times.
So you just keep on talking.
Oh, Katie! 24-hour opening!
This is going to be a nightmare.
A total nightmare.
What have I done? A supermarket should be allowed...
To lie fallow at night, I know, Gavin.
But it's just tills opening whilst we restock.
Whilst we restock!!
I mean, is there to be no mystique left in retail?
And where's it all gonna end? That's what I want to know.
24-hour bars, restaurants, petrol stations?
Have you ever been out at night, Gavin?
I'm not a milkman, Katie!
(SHE SIGHS) Look, do you want me to do the interviews for you?
Oh, well, can't we just cancel them? I'm not in the mood.
Look, I know you don't want to do this, Gavin,
but, like they say, keep your friends close and...
Your supermarkets closed between 6:00pm and 8:30am.
Shall I go and see if they're here yet?
And I was like, "D'you know what? This is my moment now.
I'm going to take some time to find out who Linda is."
When you meet her, can you let her know her shift started ten minutes ago?
I'm not filling this lot out on my own!
I just don't wanna be defined by the man in my life anymore.
-Especially not one like Neville. -Exactly.
I wanna get some squad goals. I mean, like Taylor Swift.
-Have your own floss like J-Lo? -Exactly.
Marry a multi-millionaire rapper like Kim Kardashian.
-(LAUGHTER) -Like who?
So all you've got to do is get the interviewees to sign in
-and then take them to Gavin's office. -What if they're just shopping?
-Don't get them to sign in. -Just take them straight to Gavin's office.
-No. Just let them go shopping! -Got you. Just sign here then, please.
-I'm not going for the interview. -Oh, right.
-Just shopping. (LAUGHS) -No.
If they are here for the job, they'll let you know.
It's really not that difficult, Shai.
What are you making it so complicated for then? (LAUGHS)
Uh!
And in the end I said, "Alan,
you're just going have to finish this off yourself,
otherwise I'll be late for work."
OK. Let's just leave it there, shall we?
Then, as soon as I said that, whoosh!
-Up it went. Oh, I was pleased. -Jesus Christ!
But that's the thing about sofa beds, isn't it?
-You've got to have the knack. -Sofa bed!
It was a sofa bed!
I funded my way through university working as a shelf stacker.
No. No students. I'm not having Valco turned into
some sort of fresher's week orgy!
My whole family's in the supermarket business, Gavin, as you well know.
-No. -He's your cousin, Gavin.
This isn't the Mafia, Katie!
No.
-Gavin, Susan Beak. -Hey, how you doin'?
How am I doin'? How am I doin'?
I'm not a cowboy, Susan Beak!
Is what I should have said to Susan Beak.
Gavin, Peter Castle. Peter, Gavin.
Hi, pleased to meet you.
Bracelets?! This isn't Glastonbury!
Is what I should have said to Peter Castle.
-You just did. -Ah, yes. So I did.
Don't do that. Don't do that again, OK?
I don't like it. I've told you I don't like it.
Honestly, I just need two seconds to put this up.
Seriously, can you stop? Stop now.
-Argh! -Are you OK?
-I did not touch that. -Yes, you did.
Zip it, Ryan. I told you.
Ignore him. He's a kid. Doesn't know what he's talking about.
-But you are touching it. -Alright, maybe I did a bit,
but I'm just looking for a job.
In that case, just sign your name here
and I'll take you through to meet Gavin.
-Why? -So he can interview you, of course.
Oh! Wow!
(MARGARET HUMS)
But why was the sofa bed out in the first place?
Well, because I'm doing Jury Duty
and sometimes I haven't finished till gone 11:00.
Never as exciting as you think it's going to be, is it?
What've you got? Petty theft? Speeding offence?
-Double homicide. -Double homicide?
Oh, that is so unfair! I wanted a double homicide!
Not how it sounds. Walk on.
Gavin, this is Gavin.
Oh! What, another Gavin? Well, would you believe it?
Pleased to meet you, Gavin.
Oh, pleased to meet you, Gavin! Take a seat.
Although in many ways I feel like I know you already.
Well, say how? We're not secretly brothers, are we?
Actually, I'm a long-time subscriber of Supermarkets Monthly
and no one writes a letter to the editor like Gavin Strong.
You know what they say - flattery will get you everywhere, eh?
-Excuse me, can I get a packet of... -In a minute!
-Where were the bodies found? -En suite, fully clothed.
-A crime of passion? -Oh, you'd think.
But the lazy-eyed lady said
that victim A was really just the window cleaner.
Wrong time, wrong place.
He was never meant to be in the vicarage that day.
The vicarage, you say? On the Sanky Road?
-Church Lane, I think it was. -Interesting. Very interesting.
-Got any Floradix? -No, but I've got a darn good hunch about something.
Margaret, hold my calls, I'll be right back.
Brian! We haven't got a telephone!
-It looks like we've found our guy? -Katie, are you on fudge?
-Hey? -The man was a complete disaster zone.
-He's just not right. -Look, Gavin, you can't delay this any longer.
If you don't choose today, head office will choose for you.
Gavin was great.
Another one, Katie.
Oh, well, we're not done quite yet. Yes, well, bring 'em in.
Er, just wondering what to do with these because...
I wasn't actually expecting an actual interview.
No, no, come on in. I mean, how much trouble can they be?
So...so what supermarket experience have you had?
Loads! I've been to all of them, actually. Tesco's, Morrisons...
I've been to Aldi. Stop, stop, stop.
Yeah, so I've been to Somerfield. Ah! Don't bite!
And what position was you in before?
-It was freelance. -In what?
I was a competition enterer... entererer. I do competitions.
-Oh, right. So, any luck? -No. None at all.
But it did help me fine tune my management skills and my...
Sorry, can he not touch that?
Can you not do that? Can you not do that, Ryan!
La-la-la.
And my Sudoku skills. Don't touch. Just stop that.
Stop. Go and do something else. He's got an angry face, look.
And my finding a face part in a picture.
It's like, if you handed me a picture of Brad Pitt's nose,
I'd be like, "Boom! That is Brad Pitt's nose!"
Like straight away. (SHE LAUGHS) Yeah.
Truth is I'd do pretty much anything you wanted for money.
OK. That's come out slightly weirder than I was hoping.
OW! Jeez!
OK, I think that's everything.
OK. Thank you. Thank you very much for your time.
-Argh! -My God, I'm so sorry!
No, not at all. I've...I've got a spare shirt with me.
You just look after that little scamp of yours.
Quick as you can now.
Yeah, we'll be in touch!
Can you tell him not to wee in the plant pot.
Don't piss in the plant pot!
It's not a wee.
Oh, my God, it's not a wee! Ryan!
Imagine if we hired her!
The night shift would be a disaster.
Yeah, wouldn't it be! It would...
be a total disaster.
Thank you all for hanging on for us today.
-It's probably been a bit... -Sorry. Dropping the kids.
With a responsible adult. Wouldn't leave them in the car
with a fidget spinner and a packet of Quavers.
We're about to say who's going through to the second interview.
Got it. Zip. Lou Out.
Cccrrr! Clung! Ccccckkk!
(SHE LAUGHS)
Anyway, if you hear your name called out, then, please, just step forward.
So... (CLEARS THROAT)
-Gavin Gang! -Yes!
-That's a bit aggressive. -And...
-Are you sure? -Yep.
Lou Chettle.
(SCREAMS)
High-five, up high! Down low!
Too slow!
Chest pump? Yeah, why not? Boing!
Yeah, feels good, right? Yes. Yes!!
Linda. Word on Love Street is that you and Nev are finished.
-So I got you these. -Aw, thanks, Harry.
-What are you after, Harry? -A reward, of sorts.
I've waited three years for you and Nev to be over,
and, quite frankly, I reckon it's my turn.
-You know, have a go. -Have a go?
Yeah. Have you ever noticed, Linda,
how one day you can be looking at a tiny, insignificant,
little caterpillar and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, boom.
It'll blossom into, say, a sexy night moth.
D'you know what I do when I see a moth
-in my bedroom at night, Harry? -I'd love to find out.
I batter it, cos I bloody hate moths!
Right, well, I'm pretty much up for anything, so...
-See you, Harry. -Move along now. You bombed.
Right, here we go.
Tah-dah!
I've cornered off a nice private space for you.
You've got a lovely comfy chair
and your favourite magazine, just for you. Oh, and...
So, off you go.
I can't. It's too bright in here.
That chair should be a recliner. Window's in the wrong place.
-Oh, really? Says who? -Recent studies.
In what?
Dairy.
I think you're talking shit, Lisa.
-Are you a mum, Katie? Are you? -No.
No. No, you're not. Recent studies, Katie.
Recent studies.
Put down your potato waffle, Margaret,
because we've got work to do.
Brian, are you mental? What are you playing at?
-What's all this? -Bin bags, Margaret.
But not just any bin bags. Bin bags that we need to go through
with a fine tooth comb, because these babies
are bin bags from the vicarage!
So congratulations on getting through to the second round.
Wahooieee! Is this like Judges' Houses?
-No. -The live shows?
No. This is just a practical.
OK, so Shai is going to roleplay
some scenarios here for us. So, off you go, Shai.
-Hey, boss. Wahgwan? -Sorry, Shai.
Why are you talking in a Jamaican accent?
Oh, because my character has just got back from there.
He's one of those people that picks up accents really quickly.
-OK. Cut the accent. -OK, cool.
-And the limp! -But he was in an accident.
-Aww! -OK.
Hey, boss, I need to go home urgently.
-Alright, mate. Off you pop. -Oh!
Oh! Whoo!
Oh!
OK, over to you, Gavin.
Hey, boss, I need to go home urgently, again.
I'm afraid this is an unauthorised absence
so I'll have to mark it on a time sheet and you'll have your pay docked accordingly.
Well, yeah, yeah, you could say that. If you want to lose your staff,
dent morale, leading to anything from union action to suicide pacts!
-But why? I don't understand. -Well, neither did I.
Which is why I knocked on their door and claimed to be from North West Power.
-They let me straight in! -Whose door?
Oh, do try to keep up, Margaret! The murderer's.
Or should I say, "suspected" murderer,
because the en-suite had no windows!
-I'm not following. -Alright. I put it to you.
What was a supposedly innocent window cleaner
doing in a room with no windows?
Well, ask Linda, she's on next series. Aren't you, love?
-Jury Duty. -Oh, yeah. Amazing, innit?
No spoilers.
Hang on.
Are you saying this is just something you're watching on television?
Oh, it's ever so good, Brian.
It's got that Mina Anwar in it.
But you said you were doing jury duty. You said that!
Yeah, well, I've already done Downton
and I've done Sons Of Anarchy...
-Now you're "doing" Jury Duty. -Yeah.
I'll lend you the box set when I've done.
Oh, bin bags.
(MARGARET) Oh, Brian. What is he like?
Word of advice, Bri. Always best to wait a bit before you jump to conclusions with Margaret.
-I thought you'd have learnt that by now. -You'd think so, wouldn't you?
Picture the scene. It's 3:00am.
Panic breaks out in-store.
A shelf stacker comes running into your office, he's screaming.
"Help, help, for the love of God! There's a flood in the loading bay.
-Screams." -OK, thank you, Shai.
We get the idea. Gavin, what would you do?
Well, I'd probably ask them to show me where the flood was.
What because you don't trust the word of your staff?
-Well, it's... -Meanwhile, just because "Gavin Gang"
wants to see it for himself, hundreds, probably thousands, of people
have been committed to a watery grave. Is that what you want, Gang?
-Oh, right. Well, maybe not. -Lou, what would you do?
-OW! -What did you do that for?
I'm roleplaying. He seems hysterical so I slapped him.
Yeah! We saw that! Gavin, are you alright?
Yeah, that's very good there. Yes, very instinctive.
Great work there, Lou.
So tonight I can just watch whatever I want on telly,
and eat whatever food I like.
Oh, honestly.
Don't miss our special offers in store today.
A two pack of singlets for £5.
Buy one get one free on single cream.
20% off all single lemons.
Valco, serves you right.
That was well out of order. Right!
Valco would like to remind all boring married couples
how much fun it is being single and how they're not even bothered.
Valco, serves you right!
(LAUGHTER)
Right, you have got everything you have demanded.
You are good to go. No more excuses.
Unless, of course, you are lying about breastfeeding
and in that case I will have to dock your pay because...
Alright, alright! I'm nearly done brewing so I'm gonna get some now.
Don't let me stop you. It's not like I haven't seen them
at every Christmas party in the photocopier, is it?
Off you go!
(WHIRRING)
It sounds like a cow.
(WHIRRING)
OK! Stop, stop, stop!
I know you're not really breastfeeding, Lisa. It's a joke.
-Thank God for that. Oh! -(KATIE LAUGHS)
(WHIRRING)
It does have some action, actually.
Give us a go then.
Aagh! Jesus!
Oh! Actually, hang on.
Yeah, that's not bad when you get going.
Oh, yeah, hello.
OK, you can take that home.
OK. Thank you, guys, for waiting.
So, it's that time, I'm afraid.
We're going to have to let one of you go. It's not been easy.
But one candidate has really stood out for me today.
And that person is...
Gavin?
-Lou Chettle! -No way!
-Oh! -Aagh! Aagh!
-Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. -No, no.
-I'm so sorry. -Don't worry I've got a spare.
Actually, I don't. This was that spare but it's nearly home time.
You know, it's not a problem. Just a slight scolding, that's all.
It's alright.
Aaaah!
Lou Chettle! Lou Chettle! Lou Chettle!
Right, I'm off home. Ooh, I can't wait to find out who dunnit.
Margaret, promise me that from now
we avoid the topic of our private lives.
OK.
-Mr Brian Fulton? -That's him.
I need you to come down to the station.
-We need to ask you a few questions. -About?
Impersonating a utilities provider,
false entry on to private property.
I can explain all that.
He only went down there to steal a few bin bags!
-And theft... -Margaret!
I'm sorry, Brian. He told me not to talk about his private life.
This is just a misunderstanding. Tell her, Margaret.
No. I promised to stay well out of it.
My lips are sealed, just like you said. Night!
I hope you know what you're doing, Gavin Strong.
-Me too. -Melton Mowbray! It's Katie!
Oh, hi. You creeping up on me?
She was never even here for the manager job.
Well, it's serendipity then, isn't it?
Let's hope so. See you tomorrow, Gavin.
Yeah, Yeah. See you tomorrow, Katie.
-I've told you loads of times before. -But I really need a lift.
I'm going into town. I can't.
Right, so how am I supposed to get home?
On the bus.
-Ugh! Buses take forever. -I'm sure you'll be fine.
Look at you! Independent lady.
This is what you wanted, isn't it?
Yeah. It is.
-Totally. Night then. -Night.
Stupid...
Hey, Nev, it's me. You couldn't pick us up from work, could you?
Sorry, Gavin. Just having a quick wash before I bed down in the Subaru.
Yeah, but I don't have any showering facilities in here.
You'd be amazed how clean I can get with a wet wipe and an exfoliation mitt.
Listen, um, Donna...
It's very kind of you to offer your services
for the 24-hour opening, Donna, but, er...
Haven't you got a home to go to?!
You know, it's funny you should ask that, Gavin.
Let me tell you a little story about a woman named Donna...
I didn't know she was talking about a TV show.
I mean, what town doesn't have a Church Lane?
Margaret! Tell her! Margaret!
Night-night, Brian!