-Valco! -Serves you right.
-I've prepared something. -It's OK!
-Can she just stop that? -Don't forget our brilliant...
-From booze to biscuits! -Red-hot deals.
-Loads of two-for-ones. -The finest butchers, the freshest meat.
-Now 24 hours a day. -Service with a smile.
Friendly staff always happy to help.
-Roger that. -Tick!
Am I getting paid for this?
Valco, serves you right!
Seriously, I'm giving myself an official warning.
Red card, Cheryl Fairweather!
No more wedding planning during the working day.
I'm not even going to mention it.
-What? -The wedding.
Ha-ha! You just did it.
I just did!
Aah! OK, well, that is the last time, I promise. Zip it!
No, from now on, we just concentrate on 24-hour Valco.
-Nothing else, agreed? -Yeah, but I told you, it's all in hand.
-There's really, really nothing for you to worry about. -Sorry.
-(MOBILE RINGS) -Oh, wedding venue.
No, I'm not gonna take it. Gonna work. Focus.
Officially, we don't start work for another four and a half minutes, so...
God, I love your attention to detail!
(MOBILE RINGS)
Cheryl Fairweather speaking. What?! What?!
Oh, dear, trouble in paradise?
No, no. Just head office.
-Very dull, management stuff. -Gav, Gav, Gav...
I've studied the ancient art of body language.
And if Cheryl is talking to head office,
you've got some serious shiz going down.
-Really? What kind of shiz? -High-level shiz. Grade-A shiz.
Right. Sorry, what is shiz?
-It's short for shizzle, my Gizzle. -I see.
Well, all I can say is I'm glad I strapped the old vest on today.
(METALLIC THUD)
Gavin.
But we had a verbal agreement.
Well, this is literally a nightmare.
You'll be hearing from my solicitors. Goodbye.
-Bad news? -Whatever made you think that, Gavin?
Yes, it was bad news!
The venue's just cancelled on us.
Oh, shizzle!
Right, here's the list for the big shop.
Right. Um, darling, it just says "Food and that".
Yeah, cos that's what we need. And remember to set the alarm.
Cos it's every two hours. If you miss even one, I will be pissed.
-Yeah, I know. -Baby feeds, is it?
No, Love Island repeats.
-Right, I'll see ya later. -See you later, hot momma!
-Say, bye, hot momma! -Aah, can I get a cuddle?
OK, quick, but while she's not looking. Oh!
I mean, where am I going to find another venue at such short notice?
Have you thought of checking the Thompson Directory?
Not since 1987, Gavin, no!
Oh! I think snappy Susan might have just popped in for tea?
Yes, I think she might have done.
Shall I tell her that we're busy?
Yes, please. I'm sorry, it's just...
This week of all weeks, what with the Valco 24-hour launch and everything!
Yeah, well, Cheryl, we could just cancel it.
Perhaps? I mean, it's just a thought.
Really? You'd be OK with that?
Oh, yeah, course! 24-hour opening is a horrendous idea.
-It's a disaster waiting to happen! -Ah, no...
Oh, crossed wires Christopher? You meant cancelling the wedding!
-No! -You did!
-No, no, no, no. -No, no. Fine. No, no.
I guess I always knew it was too good to be true.
Well, you know, you're free to get a better man now.
Stronger, taller, bloody redder hair.
No, Gavin, I don't mean that. I want to marry you more than anything in the world.
It's just that... I just don't have time to sort it.
Unless, of course, you sorted it.
Me? Cheryl Fairweather! Have you been smoking mackerel?
No, I'm serious. I trust you.
You just plan the wedding you'd always dreamt of as a little boy.
-Are you sure? -Absolutely positive.
Run free with it. Do whatever you like.
As long as the groom is confirmed, I'm happy.
Oh, yes, confirmed. Confirmed and RSVP'd.
Yeah, you really didn't have to actually write back to us, but very helpful anyway.
Donna, you've not seen the new night manager?
Nope. Heard about the crisis though.
-What crisis? -Got you. "What crisis?" Nice one.
No, seriously, Donna, what crisis?
-The one Gavin and Cheryl were on about. -Valco crisis?
-Is it? -I never said that.
Yeah, you did, but I'm on board.
You said nothing. I'm going to need a level-3 security clearance on this.
-It doesn't exist. -Officially.
-Or in reality. -OK. Understood.
-We're going underground. -We're not doing anything.
Clever. No paper trail. I like it.
But you can trust me. I'm not one for having loose lips.
-Great. -In fact...
I'm known in the industry for how tight my lips are.
-Whoo! -(CRASHING)
I think she's the deputy manager or maybe the HR woman.
-It's not totally clear, to be honest. -Katie.
She's wearing, like, a blazer and pants or skirt.
-Katie. -And she's got that blondie, brownie hair.
And those mahoosive mono-eyebrows!
Katie!!
Here she is.
-What am I like, eh? -I really don't know.
-Thanks, Sue. -Thank you.
Hey, I was lucky to bump into that customer services woman.
-Sue. -Yeah, you know with the short, Gothic, flamingo hair.
-Yeah, Sue. -Green Valco shirt.
-Yeah, Sue. -Wearing glasses.
Yes, it's Sue, and she's not even wearing glasses.
Yeah, well, maybe it's not Sue then.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hiya, Gavin. Sorry to bother you.
Ah, yes, Margaret, how can I help?
Ooh, I don't need anything.
I just fancied a nice, quiet sit down for a bit.
Right, well... Um, only, I'm actually quite busy.
(SHE LAUGHS) Busy!
Oh, you are funny, Gavin!
(SHE CHUCKLES)
Sorry. Ignore me.
-Why do they call them crisps? -What?
-Why do they call them crisps? -I really don't know, Margaret.
-No, but it's interesting though, isn't it? -No.
In America, they call them potato chips.
-(SHE LAUGHS) -Oh, dear! Yes.
You know I'm actually in the middle of planning my own wedding here, Margaret.
Ignore me. Sorry.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Potato chips! Potato chips!
Potato chips!
-On your own today, Sue? -Yes, that's right, Nev.
She's not in. I don't know where she is or who she's with, or if she...
(BOTH) Still smells like a meadow.
Anyway, you only saw her yesterday.
The days all merge into one when you lie awake all night,
clinging on to the only pillow that still smells of her.
Oh, for God's sake, Neville! Do us all a favour and put a wash on.
To be honest, being out on the shop floor is pretty much a formality.
Customers and staff just need to know that you're available to them.
Yep, yep, I get you because I am totally listening to you now.
-Can I ask a question? -Absolutely.
-How much of it can we eat? -Sorry?
How much of the food can we actually eat?
None of it.
I'm serious, Lou. If you haven't bought it, you can't eat it.
Oh, shit. Really?
I definitely did not realise that.
-Shall we carry on? -Yeah. (SPEAKS WITH MOUTH FULL)
You might say it's just a banana.
I picked it up without thinking, Don. But it's a gateway crime.
Today, a banana. Tomorrow, a Samsung widescreen HDTV with surround sound.
She's three years old. She was crying. So I picked up a banana.
-I always pay for them at the till. -Is everything alright?
-Stand back please, Katie. This is a crime scene. -She's a child.
I'm sorry about this. Can you let them go please, Donna?
Got you. Let them go. Understood.
No! I don't think you do! I mean, let them go.
Oh, so you mean, actually, let them go?
-Now you've got it. -Oh.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.
-See. -What?
If you'd let me have level-3 security clearance
and kept me in the loop that might never have happened.
-Why? -Cos I've only got basic clearance, so I'm on edge.
I'm like a security meerkat, up on my haunches looking for the next crisis.
Where is it? What is it? Why won't they give me level-3 security clearance?
-Because it doesn't exist! -Ah, I see.
Still towing the line. Shame. Shame.
Oh, um, hello. I just wanted to know if the Malden Suite was available?
Oh, it is? Oh, fantastic!
That's an awful place. It's a right dump.
Is it? Um, actually, yeah, don't worry.
I've changed my mind. Yeah, thank you.
Right. What's the next one on the list?
Malden Suite! That looks lovely.
Photobooths are for passport renewals, everybody knows that.
Bows? On chairbacks?
No, I'm not Louis XVI.
Risotto on a big spoon? This isn't a bunga-bunga party!
-Is Cheryl here yet? -No, but, er...
Gavin's turned into a Groomzilla.
Now this I've got to see.
So that is going to throw my colour scheme off entirely.
Listen, I'll have a think about it and call you back.
Sorry to interrupt, but I seem to have lost Lou.
Or she's gone missing and she's meant to be meeting Cheryl.
That is a shame. If she pops up just get her to count some boxes in the store room.
Or do you mean, hide her so she misses her meeting?
-Listen, Cheryl won't mind. -What won't Cheryl mind?
Saying "I do" while we skydive? Aaagh!
No, I mean, not meeting our new night manager.
She's already working the floor. She's got the hang of it already.
No, sorry, Hubby-Booboo, I am going to have to pull rank on you there.
I do have to meet her. This is a key hire for head office.
Well, she's around all day, so whenever.
-We'll give you a shout. -Or I can bring her straight to you.
-At some point. -How about 5:30, exactly?
Great. OK. We can have a cup of tea in the canteen.
So how's all the... How's all this coming on?
If I'm honest, it's not that easy.
Gavin's not got a very good telephone manner, to tell the truth.
Ah! Well, listen all you need to do
is think of places that hold a special meaning for us, as a couple.
You'll be fine. I'll let you two get on with it. I'll see you all later.
Right, I'll leave you to it, Gavin. I've got some work to do.
Yes, please, go, do it.
-So what do we do now? -Somewhere that means
something special to us.
Gavin, I mean about the supermarket.
Oh, sorry. Yes, of course.
Of course!
And that's it!
Very good work, Katie.
Honestly, Neville, it's like hanging about with your best mate all day.
Well, it's great to see you looking so well.
Oh, come on, Neville this isn't just well.
Right, before this little one was like...
Right? I was Colin light.
Now, now, I'm like peak Colin. Look at Colin.
Right? But the best thing of all, Nev,
I don't have to waste my life away, like a bell-end,
wearing a white hat all day. No offence.
-It is quite offensive. -It is, isn't it?
It is quite offensive. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
-I'll see you later, Nev. -Bye.
Cheryl, Cheryl!
I've found us a venue at last and it's perfect.
You brilliant man! Where is it?
Well, I was thinking about what you said,
about finding a venue that means something
and suddenly I realised...
Arley Hall and Gardens for its excellent parking facilities.
No. No. But it's been staring us in the face all this time.
Hammerton Hotel and Conference Centre?
No, but I'll never forget conference room 4.
-Still or sparkling? -Plain or lined?
-My printer's low on toner! -Let me refill your cartridge!
-Print me! -Ooh!
No, no. It's somewhere that's been a huge part of our relationship.
Cheryl Fairweather, soon to be Strong,
let me take you by the hand
and lead you to the most perfect
wedding venue in Warrington.
-(CHERYL LAUGHS) -Tah-dah!
You've lost me.
That's because we've already arrived.
I'm saying right here.
In store. We should get married in Valco!
(SHE SCREAMS)
I'd like to be a dad one day.
Mine left on a forever business trip when I was a child.
It was really sad, but at least we got a brand-new patio, like, the very next day.
Ah, that's good news, innit? But, yeah, it's the best job in the world, mate.
Except in most jobs you hate every single person you work with.
You draw angry pictures of them involved in road traffic accidents.
-Am I right or am I right? -Yeah, I'm going to say right.
Definitely. Anyway, I'm going to get off. Ooh!
Log on to my arse book page and I'll see you in a bit.
Hello, I'm Heather.
Or you can call me Aunty Heather, or...
Mummy, if you want.
Would you like to go on an adventure?
A couple did it in a Morrisons in Derby
and they were just customers.
I would never have thought of this.
We've already got the catering facilities and everybody knows
they do the best jacket potatoes this side of Runcorn.
I just would never have thought of this.
Yeah, I know, right. And this is the best bit. Just wait there.
As you walk down the aisle,
"aisle" be waiting here with the registrar,
to say "aisle" do.
(SHE LAUGHS) In a supermarket!
Isn't it wonderful?
I just would never have thought of this
in a million, million years!
Ever! Ever!
So this is the manager's formatting page.
Basically, you need the access codes
to use this area because it allows you to alter pricing structures.
And only I get to use them because I'm the most important?
I don't mean important, do I? What do I mean? Do I mean...
Do I mean amazing?
Or you could mean the manager
that gets to access the pricing codes.
-Yeah, that. I'm that. -I know.
-Crazy how. So... -You don't like me much, do you, Katie?
Or do you? I don't know. Genuine question. I can't really tell
because sometimes your face is like, "Oh, she makes me so cross!"
Then other times it's just like...still.
It's not that. It's just because I don't really know you, so...
But you'd like to?
-Yeah. -Yeeeeeah!
Yeah! I won you round. I knew it. I knew I could.
Whenever I meet someone and it's really obvious that they think I'm a twat,
I make it my personal mission to get them to like me.
Ah!
Ooh! Moses! I'd give that a minute if I was you, Lis.
Yeah, it don't bother me, babe.
(RETCHES) Christ, that's evil! Even for you.
-I know. -Anyway, how come you're still here?
Where's Baby?
Ooh, where has she gone? I'm sure I left her around here somewhere.
Uh! Darling, what kind of a dad do you take me for?
I'm not just gonna drop her to run off for a dump.
I'm sorry, babe. You're right. Cos if you had lost her...
-Which I haven't... -Which you haven't. I'd be using your little scrotal sac
as a bag for life.
(RETCHES)
-Aye, aye, aye, aye , aye. -What is it, Neville?
Oh, no, no, nothing. Just wondering if I'll ever
truly understand the complex workings of the female psyche.
Why women in relationships prefer to drink alone,
dine alone and make love alone.
Let me give you a shortcut, shall I?
Women get annoyed with having bell-ends for boyfriends.
That's pretty much all you need to know.
Loud and clear, Sue-bee-doo. Loud and clear.
Baby, Baby, Baby?
Oh, shit!
Shit, shit!
-So how's it all going? -Really good, actually.
I just worked out how to do discounts on the computer,
so now, as if by magic...
Not, not magic. By hard managerial work.
No, it wasn't even hard. I have put tablets on at £29.99.
-You've done what? -It's a bargain, isn't it?
I'm just going to do flat screens two for one now.
-No! -What, no?
-When did you do this? -What?
Er, well, not that long ago.
I doubt anyone will even have noticed.
Oh. They've noticed, all right.
I've only got Empathy Eric with me, hm?
And Anxious Andrew.
Come on, Andrew, out you come.
It's just me and a baby here. No one can hurt you anymore.
Come.
Oh! Hm?
Ah!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you OK, Andrew? Andrew, are you OK?
-Donna, we may need your help. -I should say at this point
that none of this is Katie's fault.
-Because it isn't. -I am happy to take the blame for this.
-Because it was your fault. -Everybody makes mistakes.
-No, Lou, only you do. -Yeah, that is our story and we're sticking with it.
OK, we've basically got some very stressed-out customers on the electronics aisle
-due to a pricing error, so we may need your help. -Is this a crisis?
-Yes, yes, it is. -No.
That's a shame. I've been told there's no crisis today
and, due to the fact I've only got basic clearance,
-I'm unable to verify the situation. -OK!
Fine. You get level-3 security clearance.
Oh, God! Yes!
-OK, so can we get your help? -Let's go. Are we talking tasers?
No. And just to be clear again, we are never talking tasers.
-Officially. -Or ever!
-Until you get level-4 clearance. -Level 4?
-No one told me there was a level 4! -Because it doesn't exist!
And we might need some hair dye.
Not because I don't like your hair, Anton, but to stop people asking questions.
Ah, mate, there you are!
I thought I'd lost her. I thought I'd lost my baby,
which means I'd lose my bollocks, and it's like, yes!
No, this isn't your baby. He's mine.
And he's called Anton. Tell him, Anton.
Oh. That is proper bonkers, innit?
I mean, even for you.
Congratulations, Heather, you have stepped it right up.
OK, well, what if we raise her together?
You're a bit younger than I usually go for...
-I'll see you later, Heather. -OK, bye.
Anton.
OK, I'm really sorry, everybody,
but it was just a typo. There are no tablets for sale at this price.
-(GROANS) -Our apologies, but there are great deals to be had
at Valco every day of the week.
(LAUGHS) Just not as good as that one.
Sorry.
Boo!
Mum and Dad, and all the guests come in.
Sit down on lovely tables with decorations.
And then Gavin and I come through this door.
Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding
for the bride and groom!
(SHE IMITATES CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Oh!
Any top tips?
Just be yourself?
Depends if you want to keep your job or not.
Cheryl, this is Lou. Lou, this is Cheryl.
Hello. How are you? Lovely to meet you.
Oh, and you. Thank you. Oh, you smell really good.
(LAUGHS) I'm not being thingy.
Genuinely, she does. She does.
That's really good and are you confident about the launch?
Well, I wasn't and then... and then I was.
Then I started to think, "Lou, this could be
the most important day of your entire life."
But do I really want it to be in a supermarket?
Exactly!
I'm really sorry, I've got to go.
I've got to go and speak to Gavin.
And that, my friend, is how to make an impression.
Tssssh! Ooh! Eeeeen! Pfff!
I don't want to get married in a supermarket.
-Oh, I see. -Look, I love this place, really I do,
and I love how romantic the idea was.
It's just that... I'm not sure I want to promise my undying love to you
in the yoghurts and probiotics aisle.
-Are you very disappointed? -No, it's fine.
-Really? -Totally. If I'm honest,
I don't think I'm up to this job.
Sticks of rock with your names running through them,
piñatas, centrepieces, uplighting, profiteroles!
Profiteroles aren't that crazy.
It's all too much for me.
I need help, and I need your help.
OK, here's a thought. Why don't we plan this thing together?
Like a manager and a regional area manager might run a branch of Valco.
Exactly like that.
Only to be absolutely clear, not actually in a Valco.
Oh, no! Absolutely, yes. Honeymoon maybe?
-Do you reckon I should come back to work. -Yeah, totally.
It's about time we got our sex life back on track.
-Oh, Baby! -Oi!
Get off!
Pssst!
So what do you think of Lou then?
-Who? -The new night manager.
Oh, Lou! Lou! Lou! Oh!
No, I like her. I like her. Anyway, you chose her.
So she's bound to be good, isn't she?
-Yeah, yeah, no doubt. -Good luck with all that shizzle, Gizzle.
Do you know I still have no idea what that means.
OK!