-Valco! -Serves you right.
-I've prepared something. -It's OK!
-Can she just stop that? -Don't forget our brilliant...
-From booze to biscuits! -Red-hot deals.
-Loads of two-for-ones. -The finest butchers, the freshest meat.
-Now 24 hours a day. -Service with a smile.
Friendly staff always happy to help.
-Roger that. -Tick!
Am I getting paid for this?
Valco, serves you right!
So to remind you, you have your appraisals today.
-You all have your time slots. -I couldn't revise.
It's not an exam, Heather. It's just a quick chat.
Nobody has anything to worry about.
No, I'm not worried, Katie.
In fact, I'm looking forward to it.
Uh-oh. I know what this is.
An elaborate scheme to get Colin alone, in a room.
-Isn't that right, Katie? -I'm just going to ignore that.
Is it, Katie? Are you sweet on Colin?
-No, Margaret. -Oh, she's sweet like chocolate, Marge.
OK, everybody get back to work and I will see you all later.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man, Margaret.
-Cometh again? -Appraisals.
Finally, I'm going to get myself a pay rise.
I've been studying every kind of power play and negotiation technique.
Even mind-reading.
Think of a number between one and ten.
-OK, four. -No, don't tell me.
Wait until I ask.
Seven.
Oh!
Oh, that's good.
I can't reveal my methods.
Oh, when you said seven,
it popped into my head.
Oh, now it's an eight.
Oh! Now it's a bumble bee.
Bzzzzzz! Oh!
I mean, what's Lou been doing all night?
This looks like there's been some sort of Roman orgy.
-It's making me nauseous. -Is it really the floor making you sick
or is it because you hired an unsuitable manager
to sabotage 24-hour opening?
I didn't...
(LOUDSPEAKER) Attention! Attention!
A situation has arisen,
where your fiancée has some good news.
Cheryl, you crazy loon!
It's good though, isn't it?
Er, um... Yes, it is!
Oh, that is just too much fun!
So what's the news?
No, the good news is,
I've had my annual bonus approved.
So we've got a nice boost for the wedding fund.
-Oh, fantastic! -Maybe we can have a band!
-I could call Fleetwood Mick. -To be discussed.
-What about your bonus? Has it come through? -Nope.
-Time to move on, Nev. -Yeah, I'm trying.
I went to update my status on Facebook to "single",
only to discover that Linda had already done it for me.
-Well, she's got a new man now. -(LINDA) A hot new man.
-Do you think they're serious? -(LINDA) Very.
Oh, well, good luck to them.
Right you are.
This has to end. You can't avoid him all day.
I can.
Watch this. (FARTS)
(LAUGHTER)
I feel a bit jealous handing these over to you now, Katie.
Appraisals were the highlight of my year.
It's just a day of people moaning at you and telling you they want a pay rise.
Oh, yes, but it's so much more than that. There's objectives, achievements.
You know, feedback. It's the Notting Hill Carnival of assessment procedures.
(SERIES OF KNOCKS ON DOOR)
OK, Donna, there's not a secret knock. You can just come in.
Just need to check you've got cover for Friday, Mr Strong.
I'm off for the weekend. Health reasons.
Oh, no, no. I'll sort it.
You see, it's my annual big bang.
-Big bang? -Yep.
In my line of work, you can't have relationships.
It's irresponsible. Never know when you might come home in a body bag.
-I actually don't think that's true. -So I do all my sexing
over one weekend. Sort of a no-strings bang fest
-with a male associate. -Oh, God!
I'm like a bottle of Coke that's been shaken for a year. Pssst!
It's alright, we've sorted the rota.
Thanks, Kit Kat. All I can say is,
don't come anywhere near the Travel Inn Altringham.
(CHUCKLES) Good grief.
Oh, yes, is that the Travel Inn Altringham?
I'd like to cancel a booking, please.
-You're ridiculous. -You're not well.
-Mine don't smell. -Yeah, they do.
-No, they don't! (FARTS) -(LAUGHTER)
-In your own sweet time. -Oh, I'm sorry, love.
-How can I help? -I'd like to see the manager.
Oh, hang on, we were just having a giggle.
-For personal reasons. -Oh, oh. Oh, right.
Cheryl, do you know where Gavin is? This lady wants to see him.
He should be around somewhere. Can I help you with anything? I'm the area manager.
-You're Cheryl Fairweather? -Indeed.
I'm sorry. I don't know why I just curtsied then.
Well, you're not what I expected.
-Sorry? Expected? -I mean, look at the rack on you, for a start.
Excuse me?
Hey, Colin. If you'd like to shut the door and take a seat.
Ooh! Clever girl.
Nice try, Katie, but I'm going to leave this door wide open.
You're going to leave your hands where I can see 'em.
Nowhere near my pants.
Colin, for the millionth time, I do not fancy you.
So what, you just kind of arranged this "appraisal"
-for when Lisa's off? -Well...
Ah! Three days after I've taken a bath. Come on!
OK, you got me.
-Eh? -It's true. I've got feelings for you.
-I... What? -I always thought we've had this thing, you know.
But there's never been a right time because we've never been both single at the same time.
Whoa! Whoa! Katie, I was pissing about!
-What are you playing at? -Oh, I'm not playing.
I look at the way that you ignore customers in need.
The way you help yourself to stock.
The way you ingest the contents of your nose.
And I'm not gonna lie, Colin, it's hot.
No! Shhh!
No! This... You crossed the line there, Katie.
-No. -Yes, you need to take a look at yourself.
Because this, this right here is sexual harassment. Believe me, I should know.
-Mum! -Tito!
-It's Gavin now, remember? -Oh, of course!
Oh! (SHE LAUGHS)
I can't believe it. What you doing here?
I thought you couldn't make it until the wedding.
I wanted to make sure that you weren't marrying another buffalo,
like what's-her-name. May she rest in peace.
But look at Cheryl here.
Smart and funny, and get a load of those bangers.
-Are they real, Chez? -They sure are!
Amazing! Can I feel them?
OK!
(LAUGHTER)
She always does this.
Great. I really should be scooting off now.
But I'll pop back later, anyway, so, er...
I just curtsied at you again. I don't know why. I'm sorry.
It's lovely to see you. Well, can I give you the tour?
-Tour of what? -Of Valco.
-What's a Valco? -You're standing in it.
You want to give me a tour of a supermarket?
It's not just any supermarket, is it? It's, you know...
my supermarket.
Yaay!
Well, this is fruit and veg. Here we are.
-Bye, Tito! -(LAUGHS)
-Plasters? -Yep.
-Pro-Plus? -Get 'em.
-Prophylactics? -Preference?
Plain. I'm not in Cirque du Soleil.
Are you having an alphabet raffle, Donna?
Ah, no, Margaret, they're supplies for my dirty weekend.
I abstain for 363 days,
then let it all out in one big splurge.
-Oh, my Alan does that. -No!
-Yeah, he does. Just like that Sting fella. -Mercy!
-Oh, he gets so moody in the weeks leading up to it. -As do I.
Oh, but his happy little face when he realises he's going to get some.
I genuinely sing when I get mine.
I say to him, "Alan, if you're that desperate for a cigarette,
-well, just have one." -(HE WHIMPERS)
-Have you forgotten about Linda yet? -No.
-Have you forgotten about Linda yet? -Still no.
-It actually reminds me of her. -What that bit?
And, er, here are two of my finest employees.
Colin and Neville. How's it goin', guys?
I'm just slapping some sense into Neville at the minute, Gav.
-Trying to get him to forget about Linda. -He's a very selfless friend.
Best way to get back at someone, shag her best mate.
Oh, I'm not so sure that's a good idea.
Er, yeah, you know, Colin and Nev, they're my mates, but work for me.
But I'm a pretty cool boss, Mum, so...
-I'm not your mate. We're not mates. -Not really.
Wait, wait. No, no, no. What? So you're his mum?
Oh, come on! What was he adopted?
Come and whisper in my ear if he doesn't know yet.
No, it was definitely my vagina.
Thank God, he's always had a tiny head.
-I haven't got a tiny head! -Take after his dad, does he?
You tell me who his dad is and I'll tell you who he takes after!
Oh!
Bit of a Mamma Mia situation
-with the old dad there, so... -Neville, cancel all appointments.
I've got some serious piss-taking to do.
Um, Brian, do you have anything to calm nerves?
-Got another date, Heather? -No.
Reverend Giles has cooled it again. So boring.
-No, it's these appraisals. -Pah!
-You're not nervous? -Nervous? Have I perfected the power handshake? Check!
Am I wearing red to intimidate my opponent?
Yes! Am I in the zone and ready to negotiate?
-Check, yes! -Negotiate?
What for? I thought it was just a chat.
Life is negotiation, Heather. For example.
Take these batteries.
Now, I'm going to do everything I can
to persuade you to give them to me, but you mustn't.
Understood?
Heather...
-Give me the batteries. -OK.
-I'll sleep with you. -What? No!
-Sorry! -Let's try again, Heather.
OK.
I won't sleep with you.
-No, Heather... -Oh, just take the batteries and get out of my life, you bastard!
-Oh! -(LAUGHTER)
Who's this then? Your tiny, tiny daughter?
No! That's Gavin.
He had the most beautiful, long, ginger hair.
Spoiler alert.
I secretly wanted a girl. There he is in a dress.
(LAUGHTER)
-That's fookin' brilliant. -Look at him!
Look at you!
You won't believe it, but Gavin was a very angry little boy.
Grrr! I forgot my water.
So I took him to a psychologist
who taught him this coping mechanism.
Oh, Lord of the Dance!
Ah, he still does it!
Tell us more about Gavin's massive failures.
-Did he tell you about sports day? -No. Let me record this.
So he always wanted to win the long jump.
-But he was hopeless at it. -Leave it, Mum.
-So he trained and he trained. -Please, Mum!
-Then do you know what happened? -She didn't turn up.
-He was so cross. -Everybody else's mum was there.
-I just really wasn't into it. -So, Gav, where did you come in the little...
-I came fifth. -Out of five.
-Oh, he came last! -(LAUGHTER)
Look at him!
-(LAUGHTER) -Oh!
I'm terribly sorry.
Katie!
Good to see you.
Aw! Ow!
-Just come in. -After you.
I'm already in the room, Brian.
OK.
-Brian, what are you doing? -I have a...
preferred height I like to sit at.
OK.
Yep, that's it.
OK. So we've had great feedback from the customers
about the service that they get at the pharmacy.
Excellent. It helps to "pay" attention to people's needs
and "rise" to the occasion when necessary.
Absolutely. So me and Gavin were discussing a pay rise.
Oh!
That was almost too easy.
Oh, Katie, I played you like a glockenspiel.
Came in here for a pay rise and you caved immediately.
-God, I'm good! -What I was about to say, Brian,
was that we can't authorise a pay rise for you at this time.
Yeah. What?
She was too young and I was too old.
Well, you know what they say. The older the berry,
the sweeter the juice.
Very hard, isn't it?
-Do you need a hug? -Mum! Mum!
-Can I have a word, please? -Can it wait?
Just getting to know Nigel here.
-Neville. -No, follow me, please.
Oh!
Oh, damn it!
Everything alright?
Code purple, Margaret. A big bang associate's cancelled.
-Picked up an STI. -Oh, dear.
-Oh, my Alan had an STI once. -Oh, for God's sake!
He never even told me until I saw it one day.
-Oh, bastard. -Oh, big red thing it was.
-Oh, it looked horrible. -What did you do?
Well, I told him. I said, "You take that sports car back to where you got it.
-We'll not speak of it again." -I think that's a GTI, Margaret.
-Oh, but what's an STI? -♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪
Oh, hello, Dr Brian. How did you appraisal go?
Not good, Margaret,. The odds were stacked against me.
My appraisal was right after lunch. No one's ever secured a pay rise right after lunch.
-It's a carb hole. -Why don't you try just asking nicely for it?
Ask nicely?
I could ask very nicely.
Hi, Moira. Are you and Barry free this weekend?
Oh, tits! Never mind.
Right.
I think that was really quite unfair of you earlier on, Mum.
I'm sorry.
-Really? -Of course.
We're like chalk and cheese, you and I.
We always have been.
But I love all those boring little things you're into.
Stationary, supermarkets.
Et cetera. And I'm sorry if that's not always clear.
-Really? -Really.
Mum, thanks.
Thanks, Mum!
Can I have some money?
-What? -Well, I need some cash.
Oh. Well, how much?
Oh, er, a few thousand. Ten.
Ten thousand?!
-What's it for this time? -The same.
I'm broke.
I'm not bailing you out this time.
Right.
Well, thank you very much.
Good to know where your priorities are.
What a disappointment.
Hiya. It's Big D. Are the rugby team playing at home this weekend?
Well, how far away?
(SIGHS)
-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Come in.
Oh, you didn't have to dress for the occasion, Shai, although you do look very smart.
Dress for the appraisal you want, not the appraisal you have.
Take a seat.
Thanks, Katie, for this opportunity.
Oh, it's just a standard HR requirement.
Standard HR!
OK, well, let's start with a nice one.
-What would you say is your biggest strength? -Sensitivity.
-Really? -Yeah. Because the other day when you came in,
I pointed out how tired you looked.
And you said, "Wow, Shai, thanks!"
And that was a really great day for me.
Cos you did, you looked really tired.
You looked really tired and really, really rough as well.
Oh!
It's not gone well?
-You know, she asked for money. -Oh!
I should have guessed, really.
Valco chicken with egg. Hmm?
-Discontinued through lack of sales. -Well...
-It was rank. -Yes. It shouldn't be though.
I mean, eggs come from chickens, don't they? They should go together, right?
But we don't, do we? Not always.
No, love, we don't, but that's not the egg's fault.
I mean, sometimes the chicken is just, well...
a bit of a cock.
But that doesn't mean that the egg isn't perfect and lovely.
And I really want to marry it.
So I don't mind giving Lillian some of our money, if it gets her out of your hair.
Oh! Oh, thank you, my love.
But it is not the money, is it? It's the principle.
-Where is she now? -Who knows?
Whenever she's in a bad mood...
Oh, God!
Come on then, Nigel, relax!
I am relaxed. It's actually Neville.
-I don't care who it is. -Strong and stable!
(COLIN) Oh, yes! Oh, Neville! You legend!
I'm so terribly sorry. I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
Right, she's coming. Watch me beg, Margaret.
Go on, Dr Brian, grovel!
Have either of you seen Heather? She's run out of her appraisal.
I only asked her to take a seat.
Oh, sorry, no, not seen her.
-I'm really, really sorry. -OK.
Er, Katie, um... I really respect you, so I was wondering
if you'd sort of reconsider my pay rise. God, you're pretty.
OK, that's weird. I'm sorry, Brian, the answer's still a no.
OK, cool, cool. It's just that, um...
I'm desperate, like really desperate.
Please! I'll do anything!
-Oh, Katie! I need the money! -Brian, Brian, get up!
I'm a pathetic mess of a man.
-Please, Katie! (SOBS) -Brian, get up.
OK! I will have a word with Gavin, just get up and stop begging!
(BRIAN SOBS)
And THAT, Margaret,
is how you secure a pay rise.
Yes!! (CHUCKLES)
I am so sorry, Gavin. If it helps,
I was thinking of Linda the whole time.
I don't need to know what you were thinking, thank you!
Now, you're generally a very reliable member of staff,
so I'll let you go with a verbal warning.
So, am I on a disciplinary too?
No.
Here's your money. It's what you came for.
But I don't want to see you at our wedding. I wish you well.
But this is the end for you and me, Mum.
Attention, attention. Please come to the security desk
if you are a man between the ages of 18 and 73,
and free this weekend.
This weekend. Thank you. Bing-bong!
Heather? What on earth are you doing?
Please don't make me do my appraisal, Gavin. I'll get it all wrong.
Hell's teeth, Heather! There's no need to feel like that.
D'you know what? If you'd had gone to your appraisal,
you'd have heard what a brilliant job you're doing
and how we think you could go really, really far at Valco.
-You think I could be a manager? -More like tills.
-Come on, out you come. -He's good, isn't he?
Mmm.
I know he's not the son you expected,
but he's strong and dependable and lovely, and I love him,
just like everybody else here does.
-We're like... -Don't say the F-word. I will puke.
Family.
-We're like family. -Thanks, Gavin. Can I have a hug?
Er, yeah, I'm sure... Yeah.
OK, better be on my way. Leave you and the Waltons to it.
-You're not going to say goodbye? -No.
I think my big mouth has done enough damage for one day.
Heather...
Mmm? Yes?
-Are you smelling me? -Yes.
-What a shit day! -Oh, tell me about it.
Ah, yeah. Heard all about your tumble with Gavin's old dear.
-Ah, right. -You know what?
I think I might just have the solution to your blues
-and my massive horn. -I'm sorry?
How are you fixed for the next 48 hours?
Oh, well, I was planning on
seeing my kids this weekend, albeit from a mutually agreed distance.
-That can wait. Come on, you. -Oh, no...
Ah! Bb-bb-bb-bb!
Shhh!
Oh.
I'm sorry but we might have to scale back the wedding now.
-I'd better call Fleetwood Mick. -Gavin, this was left for you.
Oh, thanks, Sue.
What is it?
It's the cheque you wrote.
"Hope you'll still have me at the wedding, your proud mum."
Oh, Gavin.
Maybe the chicken and the egg can go together?
No, it really was disgusting.