-Valco! -Serves you right.
-I've prepared something. -It's OK!
-Can she just stop that? -Don't forget our brilliant...
-From booze to biscuits! -Red-hot deals.
-Loads of two-for-ones. -The finest butchers, the freshest meat.
-Now 24 hours a day. -Service with a smile.
Friendly staff always happy to help.
-Roger that. -Tick!
Am I getting paid for this?
Valco, serves you right!
Morning.
-(HUMS) Good morning! -Oh!
What in the name of San Pellegrino?
-We've been evacuated, Gavin. -Yes, we'll have to go home, Gav.
-Lou? -Hi! Gavin!
-How are you? You look really well. -What happened?
-Mm? What? -The... This?
Oh? Well, um...
It's not a flood, which is good. In fact, it's pretty much the opposite of a flood.
-It's a fire, clearly. -Yeah, baby one.
Croissant noir?
Oh, I've got this under control!
Mr Strong, safe to approach.
-Yeah, it's a bakery fire, sir. -Fire in the bakery.
-Total write-off, I'm afraid. -Minor damage to two of the ovens.
-Possibly three. -We don't have three.
-Unconfirmed. -You can reopen the rest of the store.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No one reopens anything
until I've done a full safety check.
OK. Safe to reopen.
Lou, Lou, Lou, this is a disaster! What on earth...?
I think we need to look at the positives. Glass half full.
-What? -Glass half full. Half full glasses.
-Every cloud. -You're just saying words.
Positive words. Anyway, I'm going to hand over to you now.
-Have a great day. -Ah, no, no, no, you don't.
No, no, this is on your watch. Head office are going to have kittens.
Oh, God, I love kittens. Listen, you can tell them
that this would have been a lot worse if I hadn't rung the fire brigade almost immediately.
-Almost? -I left it for half an hour to see if the fire died down.
Dear God!
I wanted to be a fireman when I was a little kid.
-Mmm! -An ambition, Colin, not like you.
It just seemed like the natural choice for me.
Cos I just kept starting fires.
My uncle's a fireman. He says they mainly sit about all day
playing pool and watching porn.
They're like my two specialist subjects.
Yep, Colin's like a porn encyclopedia. He watches them all.
Yeah, it's like a labour of love for me.
The best thing about it, a new video is uploaded every two seconds.
He's like Rainman, but filthy!
Right, now, back to work, everyone!
Now, Colin, the area round the meat counter needs a mop.
And, Shai, will you stand by the front entrance to reassure people on the way in.
-What shall I say? -Just tell them the truth.
There's been a fire, but everything is fine now.
Fire, fire, fire! We no longer have a fire.
-Excuse me, Gavin. -Listen, Margaret, I'm a little bit busy.
I don't want to worry you, but there's been an alarm going off.
-Oh, yes, for the fire. -I thought you should know in case it's something important.
-Yes, like a fire. -Oh, I hope not!
I couldn't bear the fire alarm going off as well!
Oh!
Harry, where were you on the night of the 14th?
-Do you mean last night? -Yes.
Why not just say that then?
It's not how they talk in an investigation.
-So, where were you? -I was out with some mates.
-OK, I was at home with a girl. -Don't lie to me, Harry!
OK, I was at my nan's and I had a really bad nightmare
and she's got loads of room in her bed. But I didn't start the fire, OK?
Thank you.
-Harry. -Don't write that down!
Nan.
Welcome to Valco. Your chances of dying are very slim.
-Hello, Heather. -Don't look at me!
OK.
-OK, but don't tell Gavin. -What?
Isn't it obvious? I've lost my Valco name badge.
Oh. I think Gavin's got more important things to worry about.
You're just being kind. I'm going to be sacked.
Mum's right. I'll end up on the streets.
-A Thai prostitute. -Don't cry, don't cry.
I've got an idea. Cos...
Sometimes they keep spares. And here, I can...
You can be Karen today. Ooh! I touched your hand!
I didn't... I didn't mean... I should be reassuring.
You've reassured me.
-See you later. -Bye.
Karen.
Welcome to Valco.
Your chances of dying are very slim!
Karen, Karen.
Karen.
I've been thinking, Nev.
Gosh, this is a day of firsts.
-About Little Colin. -Oh, right, do you mean your...?
I mean, me as a kid, you knob-head.
About my dreams, being a fireman.
Like, how can I - Big Colin -
look at Little Colin in the eye, knowing that I just gave up?
Well, working for Valco is a very worthwhile career.
I hold my head up high and say, I don't miss running my own company.
My corner office. The living wage. An actual chair.
But I'm not like you, am I, Neville?
-I ain't a loser. -No, no, very true.
Right. I'm going to have to and give Little Colin a cuddle.
And this time, I do mean my penis. Yes!
Hi. Can I get some mince, please?
Certainly, madam. Would you like lamb or beef?
If I can have the, um...
-Oh, shitting hell! -Christ! Are you alright?
-I think so. -Colin, could you get an icepack?
I can't, Nev, I have to put Little Colin first now.
Are you alright?
-Yeah! -Is it...? Ooh! Um...
Yes, just a very minor fire.
The store was only closed for about 15 minutes.
More like three hours, Gav. Any less would have been dangerous, you loon!
Um... Yes, yes. I'll arrange the engineer this end.
Thank you, June. Yeah. Bye!
Right.
Right, that's HQ off the scent for a bit.
Yeah, good. Fuck off, June!
It's like a bloody nanny state!
Lou, this is a very serious matter.
There was a fire in the store.
-Right, people could have died. -Well, not really.
The store was completely empty. We hadn't had any customers for hours.
-I had sent most of the staff home! -You what?
-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Yes, hello. Come in.
I think we've discovered the cause of the fire.
Somebody put something flammable in one of the ovens.
-Arson? -Potentially.
Oh, Gavin.
I have a horrible feeling this could be my fault.
You see, I was up here when an urgent fax for you came through.
-Urgent, yeah? What did it say? -I don't know because I spilt minestrone soup all over it.
I always grab a tin off the shelves. It's a perk of the job.
-Really, it's not. -So I popped downstairs.
And I just put the fax into one of the ovens to dry out...
-Ovens? -Suddenly, I remembered that I had left my phone at home.
I always play Candy Crush during my soup break. It helps me completely forget about work.
You're not supposed to forget about your work!
-So I very, very quickly drove home. -You what?
Chill out, Gav. I was gone half an hour, an hour, tops.
Certainly, no more than two. You can probably guess where I'm headed with this.
-I think I can. -I think it was then that the arsonist snuck into the store
and put something into one of the ovens.
Presumably, also stealing your fax,
-because I never saw it again. -Lou.
The fax was the flammable object.
Someone sent a flammable fax. That's insane.
Paper burns when you put it in the oven.
You caused the fire.
How's it looking? Is there an egg?
-Ooh, there is a bit. -Oh, no! Does it look horrible?
No, not at all. You wear it very well.
You're very sweet.
Is there someone I can call to pick you up?
Um, not really. I can't call my husband.
Or my best friend. Not now they're both on the same number.
Ah, yes. I know that scenario well.
-Oh, really? -Indeed. Yes.
I always say it's just nice to see them both so happy,
-at last. -Oh, absolutely!
I could never go back to a separate kitchen and bedroom.
I've even got new windows now.
I finally had them replaced after the gas explosion.
I always say, you've never really rented a place until you've been...
-(BOTH) Blown out of it. -Jinx!
-I'm Neville, by the way.
Oh, Meg. Oh!
-Ice. -Ice.
Baby.
(GIGGLES) Ow!
Go on, ask him, before he goes!
-Don't be such a wuss! -I'm not a wuss.
Excuse me! Colin wants to know how you become a fireman? It's his childhood dream.
-Yeah? -Yes, sir.
We've got a station visit today.
It's mainly schoolkids and that, but... Well.
-(WHISPERS) Fire truck? -Will there be a fire truck?
Er, yeah.
-(WHISPERS) Yes. -He says yes.
Right. Pop down later then.
Yes, sir.
Oh, God! Fireman Colin, how does that sound?
Like a really shit kids' programme.
Oh, babes! The thought of you with a massive yellow helmet.
-Like when I had that liver problem? -And the blue boiler suit.
Yeah, this chick, Harry, she loves a guy in uniform.
Yeah, my first boyfriend was a lollipop man.
I better prepare, man. I'm going to be in the bogs, studying.
Oh, babes!
Are you sure you're not singed?
No, look, I'm absolutely fine. Fine, I'm just a little warm.
But, look, we really need to talk about this 24-hour business.
I completely agree. I mean, it just seems like Lou's not up to the job.
-No, I don't think it's that. -I know you believe in her, my love.
After all, you hired her, but could it be
that she's pulled a fast one on us and lied about her CV?
I just think it's the whole idea of the Valco 24 that's the problem.
Yeah, but head office have made their mind up now.
They've rolled it out. They're not gonna change their mind.
It'd be like turning round the Titanic.
That's what they should've done. Valco's heading for an iceberg
and we're shuffling the deckchairs.
Sounds like we have a dodgy deckchair, my love.
Either lose Lou's frame is rotten or her canvas is torn. Either way, we can't sit on her.
Well, her canvas may be a little unconventional,
but her frame is strong and willing. It's this ruddy great 24-hour iceberg
we've got to worry about. Do you want us all to die in an icy sea
having never known true love?
No, you've seen this film more than I have. I'm a bit lost now.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, love.
I mean, I suppose the point is,
do you want to take action on Lou now or do you want me to?
Hi, Margaret, here are some refills.
Thanks...Karen, love.
Ka...? Oh, oh, yeah, Karen.
No probs, M.
Uh! Proper hungover today.
-Oh, big night, was it? -Oh, yeah!
Got back late, had a massive row with my boyfriend. Wanker!
-Oh, dear. -Oh!
Yeah. Yeah! He's a biker.
-And a rapper. -Oh, he sounds a bit rough.
Oh, he is, M. But what can I do?
I love him. D'you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah, I do, love, yeah.
I hope it all works out for you...Karen, love.
Doubt it, but that's just Karen's life, eh?
Yeah. Catch you later, M.
Yeah.
-I feel so silly. -Not at all.
If I had a pound for every time I'd smashed my face into something,
-I could afford reconstructive surgery. -Oh, Neville!
I think you look nice.
Right, well, I'd better get back to my...meat.
Yes, and I should get back to my car before I get a ticket.
-It's free parking here. -It never stops me getting one.
Well, it was lovely to meet you, Meg.
Yes, and you, Neville. Thank you.
My saviour!
-Oh. -(SHE LAUGHS)
Bye. Thank you. Thank you for everything.
-Oh! -Ow!
I'm alright. Just my leg.
I'm alright.
Oh! Oh! Ow!
Like yum yum's, do you, Shai?
-Yeah. (CHUCKLES) -Fresh out of the oven, Shai?
I suppose.
-You did it, didn't you?! -Did what?
You caused the fire. You came in during the night shift,
turned the ovens on, so you could get your hands on just one
sweet piece of pastry. But you turned it up too high.
Didn't you, Shai?
And you burnt the goddamn place down.
No.
Oh?
I was kinda counting on you saying yes to that bit.
Oh. Sorry.
-(CHUCKLES) -Right. Well, that's all I got.
Thanks, mate. You couldn't just, um...
-Oh, yeah. Can I have...? -Nope. Thank you.
-Oi-oi! It's fireman Colin! -Oh, babes, I love it.
-Fine, why wouldn't it be? -So you signed up then?
-Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. -Oh, my God, Colin, you did it!
-I'm going to be shagging a fireman again. -You what?
I mean, I'm going to be shagging a fireman.
I'm gonna miss you, Colin, like a brother. A violent, perverted brother.
Yeah, mate. I've got to say, you're an absolute inspiration.
I'm lying! I'm lying! I couldn't do it.
It wasn't what I was expecting, Lis, like.
They haven't even got a pool table.
And they don't watch anywhere near as much porn as they used to.
-Yeah, that'll be the cuts. -And firemen are mugs, right?
They showed me this training video.
And they actually run into buildings when they're on fire.
-That is rather the point. -It's fucking stupid!
-Neville doesn't even run into fires. -Not knowingly.
-What was Little Colin thinking. -Are you serious?
You chickened out cos it was too dangerous? Oh, Colin!
-I wanted a man in uniform! -Hello! I've got one. Valco!
God!
Lisa, ambition kills!
You are so not getting any tonight!
Oh!
Lis!
Excuse me, are these on special?
-Two for one, love. -Great, thanks.
-Drama? Let Karen tell you about drama. -Sorry?
I come home, there he is, doing the dirty. Guess who with?
-What? -Only my sister!
My own flesh and blood.
The other mums on the estate, they say to me, "Karen, you're too nice, you are.
He's muggin' you off." But I can't help it, can I? I love him.
That's just Karen's life, eh?
Hiya, Gavin.
Oooh!
You've got a face like a smacked bum. What's the matter?
I've done a terrible, terrible thing, Margaret.
Something I am truly ashamed of.
It's not one of them dodgy internet searches, is it?
No, no. I've just played some wicked games on people,
like some sort of evil puppet master.
Well, my Alan always says, "Anybody can screw up,
but it takes a special person to fix it."
He said that to our son when he were done for murder.
-Murder?! -Oh! No, I mean speeding.
Hi! Gavin. Sorry.
I came as soon as I got your message. You wanted to talk to me.
Yeah. Do you want to finish brushing your teeth first, Lou?
Yeah, that'd be brilliant. Hold this.
-Clean? -Very nice.
-So what did you want to say? -Listen, we're going to have to talk to Cheryl
-about the fire this morning. -Sure. I'm going to tell her it was all my fault.
If you say that, she'll have no choice but to sack you.
I would hate that.
I love having a job, finally. I love all the...
-free soup and DVDs. -What you took the DVDs too?!
Only for my kids. (SOBS)
Sorry, I'm just imaging getting home,
seeing their little disappointed faces. "Mummy's failed again."
-Oh, I'm so sorry, Lou. -You mustn't feel bad.
-You have always been fair, always been honest. -I haven't, Lou.
But I can fix this. Now, Cheryl is as cunning as a fox
and as wily as a...
..another fox, but I know that woman so well,
and I know what she's going to ask you, so all you've got to do
is to learn the answers. Do you understand?
♪ I'm putting away the meat
♪ I'm saying goodbye to the old chuck steak
♪ I'm putting away the meat!
♪ And wrapping up the sausages
-♪ Nice and neat. ♪ -Meg!
-Did you forget something? -Yes. I... I forgot to ask...
if, um, if you would like to come up to mine for dinner?
On a date?
Gosh, well, I, um...
Oh, sorry. I should've known
someone like you wouldn't be single. You bloody fool, Meg!
Do you know what? I would absolutely love to.
That's amazing! Oh, I don't have a table and I'm a terrible cook.
Not a problem. I'd take you to a restaurant, but I've less money than a beggar.
(THEY LAUGH)
So it's a date then?
Yes, I think it just might be that.
Yes, back on the old horse, Neville. Back in the saddle.
-Yee-ha! -Oh!
Sorry.
-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Come in.
Ah, Lou. Lou, good. Come and take a seat, will you?
Quick as you can.
I'm sorry to drag you in early.
I wanted to have a quick chat with you about the night shifts.
Yes, completely fine. I was just here anyway.
I was...working on my sales plan for tonight.
That's good, because that was actually something that I wanted to talk to you about.
Um, figures are quite down.
-Aren't they? Any idea why? -Yes.
Stock!
Right, go on.
-Yucky! They don't like it! -Sorry?
Oh! Oh!
-Eeugh! -The night customers don't like the stock.
You mean, we're not catering to their tastes?
-Yes. -So would a separate order for the night customers be useful?
-Yeah. -Good. Great. Let's put that down. Separate order.
Great. Anything else?
Er...?
-Hand above. -Excuse me?
Hand top? Hand on top? Handover!
You mean, a better handover between your staff and mine?
-What a great idea! -No, no, I agree.
And then you could prepare the display for the night customers
-who are looking for different products. -Exactly!
-Exactly, Lou! -No, that all makes sense.
-Doesn't it? -That is great!
And I was thinking, what about a bar?
-What? -Yeah, I thinking how about a bar in the store?
Cos I have noticed that the night customers,
a lot of them, they really like a drink.
And, my God, I need one just to get through the shift!
Mr Strong, I've got the arsonist in custody.
-Oh, Donna, thank God you're here. -You're not going to like this.
But...
(LAUGHS) Yoo-hoo! Isn't this exciting?
Hey, Heather.
Hello, Sunshine!
Didn't know you smoked.
Karen's. Can't seem to kick 'em. My only pleasure, see?
Right. Well, I just came to say that I found your name badge.
Oh, Heather! Seems like a lifetime since anyone called me that.
I just did, but...
Take care, Sunshine.
Be lucky!
So was that a no to the bar? I got confused back there.
-Yes, yes, it's a no. -Right.
Gavin, I'm really sorry about last night. I feel like I've really let you down.
It could have happened to anyone who hadn't been trained properly by their manager.
Yeah, well, I've had like zero training.
I know. So, Lou, we're going to keep you on, but listen,
I am putting my private parts on the guillotine here.
Not literally. What I mean is, I'm taking a big risk.
-So I just need total focus from you. -You've got it 110%.
100 is the maximum, but do we have a deal, Lou?
What? Sorry. Yes. Yes!
Just there was a piece of dust floating
-and it looked like a fairy. -Come on!
-It's hot. -It's for you that. I borrowed it off my mate.
-Hey, come on, make me cross the road. -OK, idiot!
-Cross the road. -Yeah!
-Ooh! -(LISA CHUCKLES)
Whoa-ho! Did you like that?
Thank you.
Oh!
-It's just, um... -Right.
Now, are you sure you're going to be OK?
You've got to relax, Gavster. What am I going to do?
Set fire to the store?!
Shai!