-Valco! -Serves you right.
-I've prepared something. -It's OK!
-Can she just stop that? -Don't forget our brilliant...
-From booze to biscuits! -Red-hot deals.
-Loads of two-for-ones. -The finest butchers, the freshest meat.
-Now 24 hours a day. -Service with a smile.
Friendly staff always happy to help.
-Roger that. -Tick!
Am I getting paid for this?
Valco, serves you right!
You know, I'm just glad that I could be of help.
And thank you, thank you for shopping at Valco's.
Oh, I'm impressed. You've stopped saying Morrisons.
Yeah, it's new Lou.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Yeah, she's professional. She gets results.
She actually comes to work, instead of scraping in.
Well done, Lou. That's... that's a huge step.
-Do you think the figures will be in yet? -Should be any minute.
Got to be better than last week. Surely, surely, surely!
Well, let's hope so with this new Lou in charge.
Who?
That is liver.
Oh, it's so squidgy!
And that is rump.
I think I've had my hands on enough rump this week.
(COLIN LAUGHS) OK, mousy!
Absolutely, Colin. Sorry, may I?
Oh! (GIGGLES)
Out!
Sorry, Colin.
Colin all cars. Colin all cars.
-I think I'll get on with the old shopping. -I shall see you in a mo.
Not if I see you in a mo first.
Oh! (GIGGLES)
-Static shock. -Or a love shock.
-Go! -Ah! OK.
-Gah! -Sorry. Yes, Colin.
You're late. What happened to the protocol?
I don't like wearing 'em.
No, the lateness protocol. If you're running late,
you're supposed to text me and say, "The sugar in Rio is very sweet."
-We discussed this. -Why can't I just say I'm late?
Because it could be intercepted.
Boots could be poaching our customers. They're very devious.
Well, I like Boots. They were great with me this morning.
You went to another pharmacy?
They've got this nice little room what you can go in and tell 'em all your problems.
A consultation room? Margaret, they're a fad!
Yeah, but we don't go to church as much nowadays.
And, you know, I like to get things off my chest.
Hold up, are you going there for confession?
Well, what else are they for?
Well, you seem in a bad mood today.
Lisa's not slept with your Uncle Sean again, has she?
It was a wake, Nev. Emotions were high.
-Right. -Do you know what, Neville? I've forgiven Lis.
But I'm a little pissed off with you, mate. Been left on my own all week
to look after the deli and the meat counter.
He's had to actually do work. You know how much that annoys him.
Work my bollocks off, mate! Literally!
One of my plums has changed shape due to the strain.
In my defence, I have had the Norovirus.
Full disclosure, Meg and I both had it after she cooked for me last week.
And what, it'd have killed you to stick a nappy on and come to work, Nev?
It was lovely, actually. We spent the whole week together
and we just talked. Don't you two ever just talk?
Oh, yeah! We just talk.
You know, like, in between reading books and going to art museums.
I think you mean galleries.
We did try just talking once, but it was weird.
Like, "Oh, hello. How are you?" "Oh, yes, fine thank you very much."
Yeah, so we just quit the chat and bang!
Meg and I really got to know each other.
You know, in between toilet visits.
So many visits.
Still, she's a real cracker, isn't she?
I don't care, Neville!!
OK? So why don't you shut up about Meg and get back to work, man?
Oh, it's just yadda, yadda, yadda! "Meg, Meg, Meg"!
♪ Megan is lovely. Lovely Megan.
-♪ A tissue, a tissue. ♪ -Ow!
OK, so, last night's takings are...
Drumroll.
-Oh? -What? They're not up.
I'm afraid not, no.
Oh, wait. You're doing that X Factor thing,
where you say, "Oh, the figures are down!"
And they're actually up and you're through to the Judges' Houses.
I'm so sorry, Lou... but they're very clear.
-That's a picture of a bookcase. -Oh, sorry, that's my screensaver.
OK, so new Lou is exactly as rubbish as old Lou?
"Oh, nice one, new Lou." "Oh, shout up, old Lou, you bag of sick!"
Lou, listen, when you fall off a horse, you have to get straight back on again.
It's great advice, Gavin, but do you see any horses around here?
I'm sorry, I just... I just... I need to be alone.
Of course...
Sorry, this is my office.
Fine.
♪ Neville is lovely. Lovely, lovely, Neville. ♪
Gavin, I need more resources. The pharmacy's being left behind.
Oh, Brian, if this is about the Valco ambulance, I've told you a thousand times, no.
No, I need a consultation room. All the other pharmacies have them and they're laughing at us.
Boots, Superdrug, Lloyds, all rolling round on the floor
-laughing at me, you and Valco. -OK, fine, do it today.
And you can just f... Sorry, What?
Just trial it today and if it runs smoothly, then I'll allow it.
Really? I didn't think you'd give in so easily.
I was going to chain myself to your desk until you gave in.
But... Oh, well.
Morning, ladies. Linda. Su-be-do-bee-do!
Hey, Nev, I saw you in here the other day with a woman.
Ah, the lovely Meg. Yes, we popped in to stock up on Immodium.
She seems to have put a spring in your step.
Any more of a spring, I'd turn into a pogo stick.
She's cooking me a romantic meal tonight. White rice.
-Rice? -Well, our stomachs haven't quite settled yet.
Nor, truth be told, have our hearts.
Anyway, I can't stop and chat. Boing! (LAUGHS)
Ah, it's nice to see Nev happy again.
-Yeah. -And he's not bothering about you all the time now.
I actually think he's happier than he was with you.
-Good. -It's nice that she's cooking him a romantic meal too.
-Treating him well. -Yeah, well. Me and Craig are actually dead romantic too.
-Alright, babes. -Hey, you. How about I cook us a nice romantic meal tonight?
Nah, it's leg day. So I'll be knackered.
Oh, go on. I'll make it really special.
Yeah, alright.
But it needs to be all protein for my recovery.
So don't try anything fancy. You know how rubbish you are at that stuff.
Ah! Romantic.
A peach tie!
I thought we were having a wedding, not going to Mardi Gras.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Your face!
Oh!
You trickster!
Can you imagine me in that tie?
-Yeah. Mad! -I'd look like Liberace.
(CHERYL LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Oh! I'm offski to head offski.
Mwah! They want to catch up on all things 24-hour Valco.
Can you just tell them that Lou is trying really hard?
Yes, alright.
-Bye! -Mmm.
So you've not come clean about Lou yet, have you?
I probably won't have to.
I think Lou's really turning a corner.
Why is there a Kit Kat in here?
And a Kinder Egg?
Yeah, admittedly, that is Lou,
but we all have our little mishaps.
Like nearly burning the shop down?
Look, I like Lou, but she's absolutely useless.
I know. What was I thinking in the first place?
Hiring the worst possible night manager
-so the Valco 24 would fail! -(COFFEE CUP SMASHES)
I'm not Lou.
-Duh-duh! -It is looking great back there.
It's like a proper doctor's surgery.
Albeit crammed into a three-foot by three-foot dispensary cupboard.
-Can I have an appointment? -Mmm!
(COUGHS) Strictly speaking, madam, I can't make appointments.
You'll need to speak to my assistant, Margaret.
Oh!
-Can I have an appointment? -Oh, er...
Ah, we happen to have one available now.
If you'd like to step this way, please, madam?
-Margaret, hold my calls. -What does that mean?
It's what doctors say. No seriously though,
if it does ring, just answer it and take a message.
-(PHONE RINGS) -Oh! Er...
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello. Doctor phone.
-Lou, I'm sorry you heard what I said, but... -Gavin.
Stop. Before you go any further I'd like to say my piece.
I've written it down, so it doesn't come out all angry and unplanned.
"You're a twat, Gavin Strong! You're a big twatty arse
with stupid..." Can't read my writing.
-Does that say "toast"? -I get the picture.
Please, just let me explain.
Explain what? That I'm an idiot?
No, you're not an idiot. You do realise you're drinking bubble bath?
Yeah.
Cards on the table.
I did hire you because you were the worst candidate.
What?! What?!
But...you've got the most important thing
that any member of my staff needs.
-A car. -You're a trier.
You don't let constant failure get you down.
You get knocked down, you get up again.
There's nothing gonna keep me down!
(BOTH) Chumbawamba!
Now, I need you to keep trying.
I need you to stop drinking bubble bath.
Now, come on, it tastes really nice.
I'm surprised there aren't more pine-flavoured drinks.
You're under-trained.
And that's my fault. And that ends today!
I'm going to work you harder than you've ever worked before.
We're going to turn those failing figures around!
I'm going to make you...
a capable supermarket night manager. Are you with me?
-Vrooom! Vroom-vroom-vroom! -Does that mean "yes"?
-Yes! -Yes! Come on!
Neville, this might sound mad.
You fancy Neville. Everything that comes out of your mouth sounds mad.
Oh. I know it's probably too soon, but...
Um... How would you feel about going away for a weekend together?
-I'd love that. How romantic. -How shit!
Oh, come on, Colin, doesn't Lisa ever let you take her anywhere special?
Do you really want me to answer that, Nev? (WHISTLES)
-Fair point. -Can I get ten chicken thighs,
two sirloin steaks and some turkey breasts?
-Cooking for Craig tonight. -Ah.
-Right, is Craig a fucking lion? -Well, lucky Craig, is all I can say.
On the few occasions Linda cooked for me, it was absolutely smashing.
-(COUGHS) -Oh, where are my manners?
-Meg, this is Linda. -Oh, you're Linda?
I've heard so much about you. You're absolutely beautiful.
Yeah.
I have to thank you, Linda.
For putting this one back on the shelf.
Oh, no, she chucked him back! She almost broke him.
It's a good job she did or I'd have never have met my little Renault Megan.
-Beep-beep! -(MEG AND NEV LAUGH)
Neville is such a romantic, isn't he?
He's always buying me little presents.
Sorry, can't remember your name. Got to get this. It's Craig.
Hello. Aah!
Babes! That's so sweet.
He just called to say that he loved me.
-(NEV AND MEG) Aah! -Now he's singing me a song.
-Baaaah! -Babes...
Also can you pick me up Men's Health and drop it round my mum's?
-Oh! (LAUGHS) -Shit! Shit!
I will do my best, Gavin, but can you really teach someone to be a night manager in a day?
It's not that hard a job.
I was reading in Retail Monthly
about a supermarket in the Netherlands
that's actually run by an iPhone.
I'm no iPhone, Gavin. You cannot expect that level from me.
Well, listen, let's start with the tills. What do you see?
I see...I see people shopping. I see stuff.
Supermarket stuff. I see a new Grazia. I see electrical items.
-Cuddly toy... -What I see is the nerve centre of retail.
If this area isn't run well, the rest of the store doesn't work.
The queues, they get longer and people, they just leave.
Yeah, that is happening a lot on the night shift.
-Yeah? -Well, let's just check the variables now, shall we?
-So everything's fine, right? -Right.
Wrong! Why? Because Karen, look at her.
She's looking at her watch. Why? Well, because...
she's due a break and so is Carl.
But if they both go, we're two tills down.
Have your replacements ready. Stagger your breaks.
Yeah. Or...we could ask that lady there
to open her till closed sign.
She is just sitting there doing widdly squish.
Yeah, let's not run before we can walk. It takes many months
before a manager can feel able to deal with Lisa.
And, truth be told, I sometimes struggle.
What you looking at?
Do you want me to come over and give you something to look at!?
Sorry, Lisa! Just, um... Just don't make any eye contact. Walk away, walk away.
She is terrifying.
I'm sure he would love help with making a claim.
Yeah, well, his name is Dr Brian Fulton
-and his address is... -Like I say, it's probably just a neck strain,
but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't tell you that it could be dengue fever.
So, try the pain killers and icing the neck.
If that doesn't work, come back and we'll do some blood tests.
-Thank you very much. Bye! -Who was that?
-Your personal injury lawyers. -Who?
-I'm here for a two o'clock consultation. -Step this way, please, sir.
-It's a bit delicate. -Trust me, I'm a professional.
Great.
Colin's phoned in sick at the last minute. It's the fourth time this month.
-What do you do? -I send him a card.
No, you tell him he needs a doctor's note.
Neville is refusing to work on the meat counter for religious reasons.
-Do you move him? -No.
-Or...? -Or maybe.
Right, Margaret has been caught stealing from the loading bay.
It's the third time. What do you do?
I tell her, "Margaret, you're fired!"
-Yes, you got one right! -Yes, well, it's been fun working here!
No, Margaret, no, no, no. I haven't fired you. You're not fired.
-Oh! Okey-dokey! (LAUGHS) -Gavin, I got one right.
-Yes. -I got one right! I can do it! You can do it, Lou! Come on!
-What's next? -Right, aisle 12. Tell me what's wrong?
Those need restocking. That cage needs moving.
-That needs to go back to the chiller aisle. -Good, good!
My hair is looking amazing today.
-Can you take a picture? -Again?
Fine. Why don't we get one with both of us?
Oh, do we have to? Yeah, alright, fine.
Sue.
-There you go. -Thanks.
Ah! It's nice.
What are doing? Are you cropping me out?
I look better on my own.
It's funny. He treats you like you used to treat Neville.
-No, he don't! -Doesn't want to spend any time together.
-Doesn't want any pictures of you together. -Yeah, well, it's different.
No, it isn't. You're the Neville in the relationship.
No, I'm not, Sue. I'm not the Neville.
-Ow! Oh, I've just cut myself. -I'll get you a plaster, Nev.
I am not the Neville.
Oh, wait, I can't. Neville's used them all.
I'd better pop down to the pharmacy then, Sue-be-do.
Oh, God! I'm the Neville.
I know this one. We have to open another till because it's nearly school run time!
So, you put out a call on the tannoy.
Or... No, you know what? I'm going to ask Lisa.
Hey, Lisa! Can you open your till, please?
Can I fuck!
Absolutely fair enough.
-I'm not ready. -Don't worry. She's just a terrifying woman.
Still, you've taken to the rest of it brilliantly.
-Oh! -Cheryl, may I introduce to you our all-new night manager.
The best in the region. Lou Chettle.
At your service, your majesty.
Sorry. I've got to now go and make a "tannoy announcement".
Listen, there's no need to... Ow! Oh, God!
Oops.
I know she's had some teething problems,
but I think that the braces are finally off,
the milk teeth are gone and Lou Chettle is chomping her way to the top.
Gavin, she's a disaster and head office feel the same.
I'm going to have to fire her.
No, you can't. I mean... I mean, she's...she's dying.
Lou's dying?!
OK, look, she's not dying, but she's really improved.
-Can't you get head office to change their mind? -Her figures are terrible.
-She almost burnt down the store! -We all have little hiccups.
I signed off an email this morning with "Best Thanks"!
I'm sorry. Gavin, they've already made up their minds.
Plus I haven't fired anyone in ages and I love a good firing.
809-1106...
Last three is 149.
Okey-dokey. Bye.
-Have you ever seen anything like it? -No. No, I haven't.
Try the ointment. If that doesn't clear it up,
just get it removed!
-Is that the embarrassing bodies guy? -Yeah.
Good, cos I've got something wrong with my guts.
And it's had my missus in the spare room all week.
You'll want a glove, mate.
-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Come in.
Oh!
OK, Cheryl...
I need to come clean. I've done a terrible, terrible thing.
-WHO IS SHE?!! -God, it's not a woman.
I'm sorry. I thought you were having an affair.
No, no, it's about Lou.
She really doesn't deserve to be fired.
Oh, Gavin, we've been over this a million times.
-She's terrible at her job. -Yes, I know.
And that's why I hired her.
-I wanted her to fail. -Well, that doesn't make sense.
I didn't want Valco 24 to happen.
So I thought if I hired her, she'd fail
and everything would go back to normal.
Oh, Gavin.
I... You... You lied to me.
-And poor Lou! -I know.
I'm a cheat. I'm...
I'm Lance Armstrong.
Harming your own store's figures?
Your own quarterlies?
Do you think I liked hurting my own quarterlies?
I mean, we are supposed to be man and wife soon!
-I feel like I don't know you. -No, it's still me.
It's still little Gavin Strong. I'm just trying to do the right thing.
But, please, please don't fire her.
It's too late now. It's done. Are there any other secrets I don't know about?
-Is our whole relationship a lie? -No. No, no, there's none.
OK, I don't like cumin, but that's the only one.
And I didn't tell you because I know how much you love making chilli.
I am going home, Gavin Strong. I am going home...
to cook chilli for one and it's going to be full of cumin.
Oh, Cheryl! Cheryl!
Brian. Brian, I only wanted to see you about my work ball strain.
But you're telling me there's nothing normal going on down there?
Nothing, nothing at all. Gavin!
We need to talk about this consultation room.
Do you know what? Keep it. Do whatever you like.
Brian, Brian, also me got a problem round the back.
Right, every single time I go the bog, it's like a hot Mr Whippy. Just flying out...
No! No consultation room.
-I can't go through that again. -What about this morning?
I don't belong back there. I should be out front.
-The face of the pharmacy. -But you said Boots were laughing at us.
Well, let them laugh, Gavin! Are you so insecure that you can't handle that?
Anyway, they're mainly laughing at you and Valco.
When they laugh at me, it's with a grudging respect.
It's more of a cheer than a laugh. Sort of "whey-hey-hey-hey!"
Brian, fine. Just... Get rid of it.
-Crab stick, anybody? -Oooh!
There's no easy way to say this, Craig, but it's not working out, me and you.
-There's no spark there. -Mmm.
Will you put the bloody protein shake down?
-I'm trying to explain to you. -You don't need to. It's fine, honest.
See, I need to be treated like a queen and you never make time for me.
You don't want to be seen with me and I just don't think you're that into me.
If anyone's going to be like that in a relationship, it needs to be me. Sorry.
Fair enough.
Oh!
-What you doing? -Just broke up with Craig.
-What? He's gorgeous. -I had to. I can't be the Neville.
-How did he take it? -He was heartbroken.
I know this might be too soon, but have you got any naked pictures of him on your phone?
-I have, yeah. -Go on, give us a look. Ooh!
What do you mean? "Would I like to make another donation?"
Can you hold? Yep.
The date for my compensation court case?
Bloody hell! You could hang your umbrella on that!
-Massive, innit? -(LAUGHTER)
-Lou, I'm so sorry. -It's OK. It's probably for the best.
-What's all that stuff in the box? -I cleared my desk.
Right. You haven't got a desk. Is that my computer?!
Well, it's been emotional, Gavin, I can't put it back now.
I need to go home, to explain to the kids that being sacked
doesn't mean being put in a sack.
It just means not having any money.
Sorry again, Lou!
S...sorry!