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The two Ronnie. For over two decades, they were the weekly highlight of

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night television.

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The jewel in the crown of British light entertainment.

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And the BBC's most highly prized comedy show.

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Their shows were loved by millions.

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And the Ronnie's winning cocktail of characters, sketches and songs brought

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huge critical acclaim alongside a massive viewing audience.

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In 1986, Ronnie Barker stunned the world of show business by unexpectedly

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announcing his retirement.

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The two Ronnies' special for Christmas Day in 1987 would be their last show

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together. But just before that announcement, the two Ronnies made their

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series together, not for the BBC, but nearly 11 ,000 miles away in Sydney,

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Australia.

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The programmes they made there have never been seen here, but tonight you'll

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see, for the first time, recently discovered footage from the two Ronnies'

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produced down under.

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Most of the sketches were written just for this series.

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A few were new reworkings of their favourite material first performed in

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Britain.

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But none of these two Ronnie's performances have been screened in full

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British television before.

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There are the timeless characters we always loved.

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Moments that showcase the brilliance of Ronnie Barker.

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Good evening.

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I am the president of the Royal Society for the Relief of Sufferers from

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Pismarantiation.

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And routines capturing the dazzling charisma of Ronnie Corbett.

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Sadly no more. I'm afraid he has finally been summoned to that great pantomime

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in the sky.

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He's gone to work for Qantas.

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With sketches playing unedited at their original intended length, this is The

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Two Ronnies Unseen.

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The Two Ronnies' love affair with Australia began in 1979.

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when they were invited to tour their hit London Palladium show to Sydney and

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Melbourne. They did this absolutely fabulous show at the Palladium. Anyway,

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said, would you fancy doing this in Australia?

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So the whole show was packed up and we went to Australia for a year.

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The two Ronnies were already big stars down under, where their BBC shows had

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been screened for years.

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Now, the lure of the Aussie sunshine and a chance to live the Australian

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lifestyle for a whole year proved to be irresistible for both the Barker and

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Corbett families.

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Ah, we fell in love with Australia straight away.

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Where we lived was a beautiful house right on the harbour. So, yeah, the pool

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went out.

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And then there was the wooden wharf. And then we did used to jump into the

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harbour and swim down the road to the neighbours.

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We saw a lot more of the corvettes when we were in Australia than we ever did in

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England, which was absolutely lovely because we all got on so well. It was a

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golden time.

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The sun, the sea, the sand, the outside, you know, all the things that you don't

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get in North London.

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In addition to the shows with Ronnie Barker, Ronnie Corbett fulfilled some

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engagements while in Australia, including a special night that led to a

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fortuitous meeting.

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Ron did his act at the...

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Sydney Opera House, which was, you know, quite a big happening.

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And David Frost was there, and he bought Kerry Packer. He owned Channel 9.

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So that's how he met Kerry Packer.

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Packer and Corbett became friendly in the years that followed. And then in

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while on his own Australian tour, Ronnie had a brainwave.

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How about doing a special series for Australia?

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And I had a word with Ronnie Barker about it and Ronnie was up for it. He

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what a good idea.

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Kerry Packer asked Ronnie C to go to his house the next day and Ronnie C had

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this idea about the two Ronnies doing an Australian TV series.

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And apparently Kerry Packer on the spot went, yes, we want it.

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Kerry Packer's Channel 9 was Australia's number one TV network in the mid -80s.

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Home of the biggest shows and the brightest stars, including now the Two

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Ronnies. So sit back and enjoy the best of the Two Ronnies down under.

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George? What?

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If you had three wishes, what would you wish?

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I'd wish for three more days.

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How romantic are you? I mean, don't you ever just want to get up and go?

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I would if I drank three more of these, yeah.

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Travel.

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Oh, travel, yeah, yeah. I like to travel, yeah.

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Where do you want to travel to, then?

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Well, I'll give you a clue. Yeah.

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What is big and warm and friendly?

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Eh?

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What is big and warm and friendly?

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Your missus, you mean?

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Australia.

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Australia. Oh, that's right. That would be nice. That really would be nice.

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Do you believe which has come true, then?

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Nice try there, isn't it?

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George?

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Sid?

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You've still got two whizzies left.

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Yeah?

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Better wish for a couple to serve.

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Eh?

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Want some more beer?

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Yes, I'll have a mouthful.

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Oh, sorry, I only brought you a pint.

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What is the difference between a pint and an eater? That's what I say. What's

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the difference?

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They've got an extermination here at the pub tonight.

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What do you mean, extermination? Well, they're going to stay open an hour after

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they shut.

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That won't bother me. I'm off down to Pig and Whistle.

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Oh, I never been down there.

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How far is that?

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Well, it's about four miles.

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If you hurry, you can do it in two.

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What's that? What's that letter you've been reading? That? That's a letter from

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my girlfriend, that is. Oh, really?

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Yeah. Nice.

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Well, there's no writing on it. No, we're not speaking.

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My girlfriend's got a job down the museum.

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Oh, yeah.

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Do you know there's a set of dinosaurs' bones in the museum which are two

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million years old and three months?

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How do you make that out?

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Well, she's been there three months and they were two million years old.

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Here,

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have you seen them two skeletons down by the door in that museum?

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Yeah. The big one's Nelson, you know. Oh, really?

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Who's the little one? That's Nelson when he was a small boy.

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Oh, this beer's terrible, you know. I'll be glad when I've had enough.

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I'd be better off drinking milk.

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Oh, don't want to drink milk.

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Don't want to drink milk. Milk's very dangerous, you know. My brother died

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drinking milk. Really? Oh, the cow fell on him.

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My other brother, my other brother, he died of women and drink. Did he? Who was

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that? Couldn't get either, so he shot himself.

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What's the time?

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I don't know. I haven't got a watch. Oh, I have.

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What are you asking me the time for when you've got your watch on your wrist

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there? Well, I don't want to wear it out. Keep looking at it.

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Has he got a guarantee, that watch? No, no. But the man in the shop was very

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nice. He said if ever I had any trouble with it, all I've got to do is phone him

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up and he'd tell me what time it is.

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I had trouble with my budget last week. Trouble? What kind of trouble? It

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drowned it. Oh, dear.

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I told you not to keep it in that goldfish bowl.

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It's kept in the birdcage like everyone else.

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I did, didn't I? But the water kept running out.

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My dog died, you know. When was that?

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Well, if he'd lived till tomorrow, he'd be dead a fortnight.

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I've had that dog since a week before he was born.

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How can you have a dog a week before he's born?

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He was born a week early.

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My sister had a baby this week. Girl or a boy? Oh, she's a girl. Boys can't have

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babies.

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I mean, was the baby a girl or a boy? Oh, I don't know. Oh, so you don't know

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whether you're a hunkle or a heart then, do you?

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What are you going to buy for a christening present, then? Well, I'm

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buy a pram. Oh, yeah? A new pram. I'm going to buy it on the new higher

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scheme. What's that?

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100 % down and nothing a week.

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Oh,

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you know, when I was born, I only weighed two and a half pounds, you know?

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that's terrible, that is. Did you live? Oh, yeah.

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You should see me now.

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Here, I'll tell you something.

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I've got 200 more bones in my body than you have.

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How is that?

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I had a kipper for me breakfast.

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We've had ten pints here.

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Yeah. Shall we go down and have one at the Swan? No, I can't wait. I'm going to

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have one behind the bushes.

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It's for two Ronnies unseen.

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showcasing their work performed in Australia and seen here now for the

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time. I'm afraid we're cornered, Corporal. Yes, sir. We should be lucky

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out of here alive.

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Oh, later than that, sir, I should wonder.

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What? Later than five, sir. Probably half -half, sir.

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I said lucky to get out alive, not to get out by five.

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Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It's the guns, sir.

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Guns, I can't hear you properly, sir. You see, with the guns. I know, I know.

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Are we cut off from the other, sir? Yes, I'm afraid we are.

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Yes, sir.

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Listen, we can either...

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low till morning, or you can climb to a high vantage point and see if you can

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spot the enemy.

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What do you say?

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Thank you very much. No, no, no, no, no, no. What do you think of me?

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Oh, well, it's up to you, sir.

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I think you'd better get up a tree and risk it. Oh, thank you. I could just do

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with one, sir. One what?

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A cup of tea and biscuit.

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Get up a tree and risk it, man.

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Sorry, sir, I'm sorry.

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Well, go on, make a start.

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Make a start, sir. Make a start.

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Make a start. What's the matter with you? Do I have to repeat every stupid

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little word?

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What? No need to be personal, sir?

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What?

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Calling me that what you did, sir?

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I said stupid little word.

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Oh, sorry, sir.

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Sorry.

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Well, go on, get on with it.

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Sir, sir, I can't climb trees.

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What? I can't climb trees. Never could.

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Ever since I was a small boy at Wimbledon. You never told me that.

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You were a poor boy at Wimbledon.

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I love tennis.

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What? There is the cook, sir. Tennis, ma 'am, tennis.

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Oh, never mind all that. Listen, up there on the ridge, there is a tank.

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we've got to go up and recapture it, right? Yes, sir.

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But watch out for snipers.

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Anywhere near a tank is a hot spot. Oh, I don't think we are, sir. What?

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Anywhere near a Lancashire hot pot, sir.

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Hot spot? I said hot. What's the matter with you? Are you obsessed with food, ma

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'am? Sir.

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Yes. I can't go, sir. What? I can't go. Why not? My gun's gone wonky, sir.

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Well, it's only natural. So is mine. It's nerves, that's all it is.

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Where are my guns? Oh, your gun. Oh, your gun. I'm sorry.

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What's going on?

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Well, sir, it was... It was in my trouser pocket. It went off half

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Yeah, you'd better see Major when we get back to Calisley about that.

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Well, I suppose I'd better go.

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You all right, sir? No, of course I'm not all right.

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I'm shot.

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Well, it is hot, sir. We're all shot.

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Shall I get the stretcher bearing, sir? No, no. Too late for that.

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Just go and let me die in peace.

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Yes, sir. Any gravy on it at all, sir?

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What? Any gravy on your pie, please?

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I said let me die in peace, not get me pie in peace.

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Never mind, never mind, Corbin. You're not such a bad chap.

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We haven't always seen eye to eye, or ear to ear, for that matter.

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It's the gun, sir.

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But at least, if you get out of this mess alive, they'll say I died saving an

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ordinary man.

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Save you what, sir?

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An ordinary man.

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Yes, sir, I will, sir. You will what?

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When I get back to the mess, I'll save you a strawberry plant, sir.

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Do you think that marriage is a lottery?

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No. In a lottery, you do have a slight chance.

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But you like women, don't you, eh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Just give me me pipe and the

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great outdoors and a beautiful girl and you can keep the pipe and the great

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outdoors.

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Jill, that ain't stuffy to do with marriage, is it? That's just the

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sex.

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The what?

242
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:15,150
You know what the opposite sex is, don't you?

243
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,940
Yeah, it's that tart who lives across the road.

244
00:14:19,540 --> 00:14:24,100
Talking of which, my sister -in -law has just had quads.

245
00:14:24,460 --> 00:14:28,220
Oh, that's pretty rare, isn't it? Rare, it certainly is, yes.

246
00:14:28,820 --> 00:14:33,960
Doctor says it only happens once in 1 ,600 ,000 times.

247
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,780
Blimey, so when has she ever found time to do the housework?

248
00:14:46,860 --> 00:14:49,840
I am the president of the loyal society for the relief of sufferers from

249
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:50,840
pismorantiation.

250
00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:57,100
For people who cannot say their worms correctly.

251
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:02,360
Or who use the wrong worms entirely, so that other people cannot underhand a

252
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,360
bird they are spraying.

253
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,220
It's just that you open your mouth and the worms come turbling out in one

254
00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:10,880
second. And you dick -knock what you're thugging a bit.

255
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,640
And it's very distressing. I'm always looing it.

256
00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:17,700
and it makes one feel unbumped a couple of times.

257
00:15:18,740 --> 00:15:22,880
Especially when one's going about one's diddly tasks, slopping in the slooper

258
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,060
market for inkstands.

259
00:15:24,540 --> 00:15:29,520
Only last wonk I approached the chuck -out point, and I showed the ghoul

260
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:35,300
the crash desk the contents of my trilly, and she said, she said, all

261
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:39,100
Grandad, shut him out. Well, of course, that's fine for the ordinary man in the

262
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,120
stoat, who has no dribble with his warts.

263
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,920
For someone like myself, it's worse than the kick in the jackstrap.

264
00:15:47,020 --> 00:15:50,300
I mean, sometimes you get stuck on one letter, such as wobble you, you see. And

265
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:53,600
I said, well, I've got a tin of whoop, a woocumber, two packets of wheeze and a

266
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:54,600
wallflower.

267
00:15:56,340 --> 00:15:59,400
And then she tried to make fun of me and said that would be whoop pounds, whifty

268
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,400
wee pen.

269
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,440
So I just said wobblers and walked out.

270
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,660
But you do see how dicky felt it is.

271
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,860
But help is at hand. The new society has been formed by our mumblers.

272
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,400
to help each other in times of ex -cream ices.

273
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:17,620
It is bald pismonunces unanimous.

274
00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:22,160
Anyone can ball them up on the smelly phone at any tide of the day or noon.

275
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:27,160
24 flowers a spray, seven stays a creek, and you will come round and get drunk

276
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,160
with you.

277
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:32,340
For foreigners, there will be impertuitors who will all squeak many

278
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,180
such as Swedish, Turkish, Berkish, Jewish, gibberish and rubbish.

279
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:40,560
Membranes will be able to attend tight stool or heaving classes.

280
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,880
You'll learn how to grope with the many complicities of daily work.

281
00:16:46,620 --> 00:16:49,500
Which brings me to the drain reason for squeaking to you tonight.

282
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:54,060
The society's first function as a body was a grand garden freight.

283
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,300
And we hope for many more bodily functions in the future.

284
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,520
The garden plate was held in the grounds of Sydney University.

285
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,900
And the guest of horror was the great American pipsinger, Manny Barilo.

286
00:17:08,099 --> 00:17:11,880
The plate was opened by the External Affairs P. Minister, Mr. Andrew

287
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:19,200
Who gave us a few well -frozen worms to raise off the society's jerk and said

288
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,760
that in the creaks and stunts of thy head... we must all do our nut roast to

289
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:23,819
ensure that it sucks weed.

290
00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:29,900
Then everyone visited the various stalls and abruzements, the rudeabouts, the

291
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:33,220
thingboats and the dodgers, and, of course, all the old favourites such as

292
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,660
coquish eye nuts, to try your length, guessing the weight of the cook and

293
00:17:35,660 --> 00:17:36,660
tinning the pail on the wonky.

294
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:42,380
The occasion was great fun, and, in short, I think it can safely be said

295
00:17:42,380 --> 00:17:45,120
all the men present and thoroughly good women were had all the time.

296
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:48,680
So please join our society.

297
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,500
Write to me, Dr.

298
00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:56,800
Smallpith, the banner, Pope Moses, and I will send you some brieflets to browse

299
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,760
through and a brass badge to wear in your loophole. And a very good night to

300
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:00,760
all. Good night.

301
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,060
and I haven't seen you at the factory lately. Well, you've been all sick,

302
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:21,660
haven't you? No, no, well, I packed it in, didn't I? Oh, did you? Yeah.

303
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,460
Yeah, well, they wanted me to change my... What, change your hours?

304
00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:28,120
No, change my... Change your habits, was it? No, change... Change your socks

305
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:29,120
tomorrow. No.

306
00:18:29,690 --> 00:18:32,690
I changed my duties. Oh, your duties, did they? Yeah, well, I didn't want to

307
00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:35,950
that. No, no. It was quite a cushy little number, you know. It was quite a

308
00:18:35,950 --> 00:18:38,290
job. Yes, it was a lovely job. Thanks, John, thanks.

309
00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:41,710
There you are. All the best. Cheers. Cheers, cheers. I never really know what

310
00:18:41,710 --> 00:18:45,030
sort of job you did up there. What job did you do up there? Well, the same job

311
00:18:45,030 --> 00:18:47,910
as I'd done for 20 years, actually. Oh, did you? Yeah, I always worked with...

312
00:18:47,910 --> 00:18:49,310
What, with Pride?

313
00:18:49,630 --> 00:18:54,570
No, with... With him recently? No, no, with... With your overcoat on.

314
00:18:56,130 --> 00:18:58,470
I always worked with Harry Hawkins. Oh, Harry Hawkins.

315
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:05,260
Yeah. He used to always work with him. He used to give me his... His whole

316
00:19:05,260 --> 00:19:06,260
and support. No.

317
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:07,360
What,

318
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:08,440
his athletic support?

319
00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:11,600
No, he used to give me his ginger nuts.

320
00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:12,860
Oh.

321
00:19:14,510 --> 00:19:17,490
Yeah, he used to give me his ginger nuts, and I used to dip him in... In his

322
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:17,989
for him.

323
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:21,470
No, in the chocolate. Oh, the chocolate. Oh, I see. That was the job, was it?

324
00:19:21,470 --> 00:19:25,250
That was the job. Oh, I see. Yeah, Harry and I made the only ginger nuts. Oh, I

325
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:29,770
see. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then somebody realised, or thought, a

326
00:19:29,770 --> 00:19:31,290
could do the job, a woman, you see.

327
00:19:31,790 --> 00:19:36,310
So they decided to do that, and they put me on... Short time. No, on... What,

328
00:19:36,310 --> 00:19:36,889
short cake?

329
00:19:36,890 --> 00:19:37,890
No, no.

330
00:19:38,430 --> 00:19:43,410
Sherbet fountains. Oh, that's a real messy job, the sherbet fountains.

331
00:19:43,410 --> 00:19:44,710
that's... It gets everywhere.

332
00:19:44,990 --> 00:19:49,470
Does it, yeah? Yeah. You know, you go home and start stripping off, and you

333
00:19:49,470 --> 00:19:51,970
you've got a coating of sherbet all over the... All over the weekend.

334
00:19:52,170 --> 00:19:53,170
Yeah.

335
00:19:55,650 --> 00:19:59,190
And the wife don't like it. No, well, that makes it worse, but you can't

336
00:19:59,190 --> 00:20:00,190
No, exactly, no.

337
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:03,750
Anyway...

338
00:20:03,850 --> 00:20:08,110
Anyway, this woman, she decided that she didn't want to work with Harry Hawkins.

339
00:20:08,150 --> 00:20:11,350
Oh, did she? She didn't like the way he handled his... His ginger nuts.

340
00:20:11,590 --> 00:20:12,590
No,

341
00:20:13,050 --> 00:20:14,130
his machinery.

342
00:20:14,390 --> 00:20:15,149
Oh, his machinery.

343
00:20:15,150 --> 00:20:17,650
Yeah, she thought he was... Was nuts.

344
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,550
No, she thought he was... What, ginger?

345
00:20:19,790 --> 00:20:21,590
No, incompetent. Oh, incompetent.

346
00:20:22,570 --> 00:20:25,630
I think so, so you went back with Harry then, did you? No, no, I decided I had

347
00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:28,690
enough. Oh, did you? So I went back home, you know. Yeah. Then found the

348
00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:31,150
was up... Up to her knees and so... No, no.

349
00:20:32,450 --> 00:20:33,730
Up to her old tricks with the milkman.

350
00:20:34,050 --> 00:20:36,890
No, she was up her mother's. Oh, up her mother's.

351
00:20:38,730 --> 00:20:42,570
So I then and then... and thought, I'm going to go to the job centre. Oh, yeah.

352
00:20:42,590 --> 00:20:46,050
I thought, go to the job centre, because it's a good job you're after. That is

353
00:20:46,050 --> 00:20:47,950
the place to... To steer clear of. No.

354
00:20:49,050 --> 00:20:52,450
No, they're quite good, some of them, you know. My brother -in -law went for a

355
00:20:52,450 --> 00:20:53,710
job as a removal man.

356
00:20:54,070 --> 00:20:57,210
Yeah. And within a week, they'd already given him a... A fortnight's holiday.

357
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:58,529
A fortnight's holiday.

358
00:20:58,530 --> 00:21:01,910
A tea chest? No, no, no. No, a double hernia. Oh, no.

359
00:21:03,650 --> 00:21:06,630
Yeah. So I went up to this job centre. Yeah, yeah.

360
00:21:06,970 --> 00:21:08,890
And a very nice place, wasn't it? Yeah.

361
00:21:09,150 --> 00:21:10,850
And they've got this girl there.

362
00:21:11,130 --> 00:21:12,950
Yeah. Sitting behind a sort of grill.

363
00:21:13,210 --> 00:21:17,010
Oh, yeah. And she's filing her... Filing her nails? No, no, filing her... What,

364
00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:18,610
filing the bars, trying to get out with you? No, no, no.

365
00:21:19,310 --> 00:21:22,490
Filing the jobs. Oh, filing the jobs. The jobs. Yeah. In the portfolio. Oh, I

366
00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:26,310
see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's very nice. Very big girl. Oh, big girl. Yeah,

367
00:21:26,430 --> 00:21:29,530
yeah. And she's got these two... Yes, I'll get the picture.

368
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:32,349
Either side.

369
00:21:32,350 --> 00:21:33,350
Well, they would be, wouldn't they?

370
00:21:33,990 --> 00:21:35,730
And I mentioned the job. Yeah.

371
00:21:35,930 --> 00:21:37,290
And they sprang up. Did they?

372
00:21:38,950 --> 00:21:41,870
Yeah. What caused that, then? Well, I don't know the general excitement, I

373
00:21:41,870 --> 00:21:42,870
suppose. Oh, really?

374
00:21:42,970 --> 00:21:45,110
And then they came towards me. Did they really?

375
00:21:45,310 --> 00:21:46,269
Yeah.

376
00:21:46,270 --> 00:21:48,950
Anyway, these two... Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah.

377
00:21:49,710 --> 00:21:53,190
These two... What do you call them again? What do you call them?

378
00:21:53,510 --> 00:21:54,510
Clarks. Oh.

379
00:21:57,310 --> 00:22:00,170
I've got the... I've got the wrong picture entirely there.

380
00:22:02,540 --> 00:22:07,920
So, these two clerks, they said that this girl was a trainee.

381
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,760
Trainee, basically, who had just got off the... Off the train?

382
00:22:11,980 --> 00:22:12,779
No, no.

383
00:22:12,780 --> 00:22:15,960
Off the course. Oh, off the course, of course, yes. Yeah, of course. And the

384
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:20,660
clerks that Dad mentioned to you, they said, if it's a job you're after, we

385
00:22:20,660 --> 00:22:23,900
a vacancy. Oh. Yeah, because we were looking for someone with short... Short

386
00:22:23,900 --> 00:22:24,900
legs. No, no.

387
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,020
We're short... Short shirts?

388
00:22:28,380 --> 00:22:29,600
No, no, we're short... Shortcomings?

389
00:22:29,860 --> 00:22:30,860
No.

390
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,920
We're shorthand and typing. Oh, I see.

391
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,940
He wanted someone with shorthand because they were... Shorthanded? No, no.

392
00:22:41,340 --> 00:22:44,800
They were understaffed at the town hall. Oh, yes. So you never got the job.

393
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,460
Didn't get the job. Didn't get the job. Can't do it. So you're out of work? No,

394
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,560
not entirely. No, because there was another job. Another vacancy, which I

395
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,480
accepted. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I'm working in the sweet... In the sweet factory,

396
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:54,299
you know. No, no.

397
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:58,000
In the city. Oh, yeah. In the sweet... Well, with a sweet smell of success, is

398
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,000
it? Well, hardly.

399
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:00,900
I'm in charge of the gents at Central Station.

400
00:23:19,370 --> 00:23:22,290
I say, Humphrey, what is it, Godfrey?

401
00:23:22,490 --> 00:23:25,150
Who is that terrible, ugly woman you were with today?

402
00:23:25,910 --> 00:23:27,190
That was my sister.

403
00:23:27,550 --> 00:23:30,130
Oh, of course, I should have noticed the resemblance.

404
00:23:31,150 --> 00:23:33,230
Just got married, hasn't she?

405
00:23:33,510 --> 00:23:39,630
Yes. And do you know, she's married a man whom people invariably take an

406
00:23:39,630 --> 00:23:40,529
dislike to?

407
00:23:40,530 --> 00:23:42,890
Why is that, do you think? It saves time.

408
00:23:45,070 --> 00:23:48,190
They've just moved to Cheltenham, will they? She loves.

409
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,940
It's Cheltenham. She says in Cheltenham, breeding is everything.

410
00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:57,000
Yes, well, we enjoy it in Kensington as well. So we have other interests.

411
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:04,760
The funny thing is, although he's a bully, an idler and a drunk, she intends

412
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:07,080
have 17 children by him.

413
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,160
Good grief, why on earth does she want to do that?

414
00:24:10,380 --> 00:24:12,960
Well, she says she's hoping to lose him in the crowd.

415
00:24:30,250 --> 00:24:31,250
Forgot my glasses.

416
00:24:32,370 --> 00:24:34,110
Never mind, I forgot my glasses, never mind.

417
00:24:36,830 --> 00:24:43,430
Ladies and gentlemen,

418
00:24:43,510 --> 00:24:50,370
we are gathered here this evening to honour George and Gloria, who today

419
00:24:50,370 --> 00:24:53,130
celebrate 20 years of marred bliss.

420
00:24:53,930 --> 00:24:54,930
Married bliss.

421
00:24:56,170 --> 00:24:58,870
21 years ago, George turned up.

422
00:24:59,130 --> 00:25:02,970
with this beautiful and charming representative of New Pork.

423
00:25:03,610 --> 00:25:05,890
Very far. Very far. New York.

424
00:25:06,570 --> 00:25:08,710
Theirs have been a fairly stale romance.

425
00:25:09,250 --> 00:25:11,250
A fairy tale romance.

426
00:25:13,450 --> 00:25:16,870
He, a typical English country squirt. Squirt.

427
00:25:18,450 --> 00:25:21,670
She, a struggling Broadway hooker.

428
00:25:24,210 --> 00:25:25,230
Hooper. Hooper.

429
00:25:26,290 --> 00:25:27,770
In other words...

430
00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:29,290
A danger in the chorus.

431
00:25:30,290 --> 00:25:34,070
George first saw her in the musical Hello Doggy.

432
00:25:36,230 --> 00:25:39,290
And the moment the curtain was down, began to ravish her.

433
00:25:40,910 --> 00:25:42,290
Lavish her with every attention.

434
00:25:42,930 --> 00:25:46,430
Showering her with red noses and giving her germs.

435
00:25:46,630 --> 00:25:47,630
Gems.

436
00:25:48,150 --> 00:25:52,790
Till at last, at the altar, she said the words he'd been waiting to hear, I do,

437
00:25:52,950 --> 00:25:53,950
and threw up.

438
00:25:58,030 --> 00:25:59,030
Her career.

439
00:25:59,230 --> 00:26:00,470
Oh, grew up her career.

440
00:26:03,690 --> 00:26:04,690
Actually,

441
00:26:05,330 --> 00:26:09,070
when George gave us the news, we were over the moron with delight.

442
00:26:13,250 --> 00:26:17,870
Gloria, as we know, comes from a fine old American family.

443
00:26:18,470 --> 00:26:21,410
Though her grandmother, we are told, was a kept woman.

444
00:26:22,150 --> 00:26:23,950
No, a Kent woman, a Kent woman.

445
00:26:24,830 --> 00:26:28,540
She herself, you will all agree, is a great lay. Lady.

446
00:26:28,740 --> 00:26:29,740
Lady.

447
00:26:30,260 --> 00:26:33,600
Only one word describes her. Skint. Same.

448
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:38,240
As lady of the manor, she never shirted her dirties.

449
00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:41,300
Shirt her duties.

450
00:26:42,020 --> 00:26:47,680
Visiting the tenants in their holes, in their homes, and tending to their warts.

451
00:26:49,980 --> 00:26:50,980
Their warts.

452
00:26:51,220 --> 00:26:55,240
Like her, Glorious looked on by all the sundry as a fiend, as a friend.

453
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,660
Oh, and I should never be forgiven if I vomited to mention her cooking.

454
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:08,240
The feathery lightness of her buns, and the split -second

455
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:10,000
timing of her rubber beans.

456
00:27:10,340 --> 00:27:15,400
And, as we all know, after that delicious meal, her speciality, roast

457
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:16,400
chipolatas.

458
00:27:16,700 --> 00:27:20,140
The whole meal was absolutely uneatable.

459
00:27:21,860 --> 00:27:22,860
Unbeatable.

460
00:27:23,430 --> 00:27:26,350
We now come to George, himself a bit of a crook, a cook.

461
00:27:28,630 --> 00:27:35,550
Chalespear said, and I quite, one man in his time plays many

462
00:27:35,550 --> 00:27:41,330
pants. And George certainly has had his share of girls. In fact, he was

463
00:27:41,330 --> 00:27:43,070
considered at one time quite a wolf.

464
00:27:43,530 --> 00:27:46,590
He was slimy then, slimmer then.

465
00:27:47,790 --> 00:27:51,910
Always a faithful friend. He is a true toady.

466
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:54,960
He's a true toady.

467
00:27:56,060 --> 00:27:57,880
He is as true today.

468
00:28:01,260 --> 00:28:04,900
At heart, one of the yes -men of England. One of the yo -men of England.

469
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:06,740
I could go on all night.

470
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:12,680
Instead, I shall gum up by saying, there were never such a couple of sweeties.

471
00:28:13,340 --> 00:28:19,500
George and Gloria, as we say at the Bridge Club, two aces who together are a

472
00:28:19,500 --> 00:28:20,500
perfect pair.

473
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:33,860
I am a little bit excited because I have reason to believe that my new Channel 9

474
00:28:33,860 --> 00:28:36,280
pay rise has just come through.

475
00:28:36,740 --> 00:28:41,480
To be honest, my last pay rise was nearly six years ago when I stormed into

476
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:45,260
program controller's office and demanded that they pay me what I was worth.

477
00:28:48,380 --> 00:28:50,560
$42 a week doesn't go very far.

478
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:53,100
Oh, my God, it is pathetic.

479
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:58,200
$42 a week when you consider that the producer upstairs is earning nearly

480
00:28:58,200 --> 00:28:59,200
that.

481
00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:06,560
So this week, I took a militant stand and put in a claim for a 5 % increase,

482
00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:10,740
it's obviously shaken them up a bit because I have just had this top -level

483
00:29:10,740 --> 00:29:12,240
delivered to me personally.

484
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,600
Actually, it's still a bit crumpled, you know.

485
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:17,480
Still a bit crumpled from where it was wrapped round the brick.

486
00:29:22,770 --> 00:29:24,470
Let's see what it says here.

487
00:29:24,890 --> 00:29:28,730
From the president of Channel 9 to Mr.

488
00:29:28,930 --> 00:29:29,930
Robbie Cornett.

489
00:29:32,330 --> 00:29:34,410
You see, right from the top.

490
00:29:34,750 --> 00:29:39,390
At last I'm about to be treated with a little respect and deference, as befits

491
00:29:39,390 --> 00:29:40,430
man of my professional status.

492
00:29:40,850 --> 00:29:42,590
What is your game, squib face?

493
00:29:44,490 --> 00:29:47,890
5 % pay rise. I should cocoa, Titchy.

494
00:29:48,430 --> 00:29:52,190
Call yourself a comic. We could train a chimp to do what you do.

495
00:29:52,410 --> 00:29:55,790
If you're a comic, I'll walk to Perth with a leaky water bag.

496
00:29:59,810 --> 00:30:01,370
That's how I treat letters like that.

497
00:30:03,390 --> 00:30:04,610
Particularly if they don't get laughed.

498
00:30:06,590 --> 00:30:08,870
On to tonight's story.

499
00:30:09,230 --> 00:30:14,670
which I have decided to tell as a mark of respect to my old uncle Brutus, who

500
00:30:14,670 --> 00:30:19,730
one of the great characters of show business. For 25 years, his widow Twanky

501
00:30:19,730 --> 00:30:26,250
a legend throughout Parramatta. But sadly no more. I'm afraid he has finally

502
00:30:26,250 --> 00:30:29,010
been summoned to that great pantomime in the sky.

503
00:30:29,570 --> 00:30:30,890
He's gone to work for Qantas.

504
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:38,640
No, he hasn't. That would be ridiculous. He is actually dead.

505
00:30:38,900 --> 00:30:44,440
Now, to be honest, he was rather a comical -looking character with a very

506
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:46,860
face and an incredibly big pointed nose.

507
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,780
And when they died, they used his head as a sundial.

508
00:30:51,250 --> 00:30:55,470
It's very interesting because his late brother, my late Uncle Horace, that was

509
00:30:55,470 --> 00:31:00,910
also in pantomime, he spent 40 years playing Humpty Dumpty. And I remember

510
00:31:00,910 --> 00:31:04,110
cremation was held up for nearly half an hour while someone went to fetch an egg

511
00:31:04,110 --> 00:31:05,110
timer.

512
00:31:09,420 --> 00:31:13,420
I've got a strange one. I had an uncle Gladys once.

513
00:31:15,660 --> 00:31:17,600
Who had a nasty accent and a sawmill.

514
00:31:19,300 --> 00:31:24,900
He was a world record holder. He was the only man who'd ever slid down Mount

515
00:31:24,900 --> 00:31:26,260
Everest on a tin tray.

516
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,120
And they buried him where he came to rest.

517
00:31:31,460 --> 00:31:32,860
Just outside Rooty Hill.

518
00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:39,120
When I think of it, it's been quite a bad year for bad news, all told. I mean,

519
00:31:39,140 --> 00:31:42,520
last Sunday morning, for instance, there we were all at home, taking things

520
00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:46,560
easy. My little nephew was sitting on the carpet, playing with his tonka.

521
00:31:46,780 --> 00:31:53,580
And my... My wife was upstairs in our daughter's

522
00:31:53,580 --> 00:31:57,340
playroom trying to smoke an encyclopedia salesman out of the doll's house.

523
00:31:59,860 --> 00:32:01,980
It was a very, very cold morning.

524
00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:05,720
I remember, very cold, we had to kick -start the Rice Krispies.

525
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:13,260
And I'd just settled down after breakfast with the Sunday newspaper.

526
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:20,780
Or was it the Telegraph? Anyway, I was reading one of their thrusting, in

527
00:32:20,780 --> 00:32:25,880
-depth theological dissertations about a vicar who was caught on the church roof

528
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:26,960
with an Avon lady.

529
00:32:28,180 --> 00:32:29,900
Ding -dong merrily on high.

530
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:36,360
Suddenly, we heard that the chap next door had just been rushed to hospital.

531
00:32:36,500 --> 00:32:40,260
It's all very tragic because he was a businessman who was very big in kitchen

532
00:32:40,260 --> 00:32:42,120
equipment until his accident.

533
00:32:42,540 --> 00:32:45,980
He fell on top of a Kenwood blender and liquidated his assets.

534
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:50,000
But I digress.

535
00:32:50,260 --> 00:32:55,300
On with this story. Now, this story concerns a little old lady who, by

536
00:32:55,300 --> 00:32:59,280
coincidence, has also just lost her husband. And she decides that for some

537
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:00,820
companionship, she will buy herself a dog.

538
00:33:01,500 --> 00:33:06,180
You know, we all like pets. And I remember when I was a boy, we were so

539
00:33:06,180 --> 00:33:07,240
used to have very cheap pets.

540
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:11,200
For my seventh birthday, my parents bought me a semi -detached tortoise.

541
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:20,540
My father couldn't afford a homing pigeon, so he had a budgie on

542
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:21,540
elastic.

543
00:33:22,940 --> 00:33:29,760
So this old lady goes down to her local

544
00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:30,760
pet shop.

545
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:34,060
And the assistant behind the counter says, I have got the ideal companion for

546
00:33:34,060 --> 00:33:37,200
you. He said, madam, he's a nice little puppy, only six months old.

547
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:39,520
So she looks at him and says, yes, that's very nice.

548
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:42,620
She said, do you think it will replace my husband?

549
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:46,220
I mean, you know, my husband was warm, he was affectionate, and he was always

550
00:33:46,220 --> 00:33:47,560
doing little jobs around the house.

551
00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:51,920
In that case...

552
00:33:52,140 --> 00:33:53,420
This is definitely the dog for you.

553
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,920
I did try to say that quickly.

554
00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:59,580
Anyway, she said, well, I'll tell you what.

555
00:33:59,780 --> 00:34:03,420
If the dog doesn't mind, I'll take it. So they asked the dog, and the dog said,

556
00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:04,520
yes, that's absolutely fine.

557
00:34:04,940 --> 00:34:07,380
And off they go. There you are. You see a talking dog.

558
00:34:07,900 --> 00:34:09,500
Already the joke has got novelty value.

559
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:12,580
That's about all it has got, but anyway.

560
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:17,480
Now, to cut a long story short, the lady becomes devoted to this dog, and every

561
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:20,699
afternoon at tea time, rigorous clockwork, she takes him for a walk down

562
00:34:20,699 --> 00:34:25,040
newsagents for her evening paper. Well, one day, many years later, her legs are

563
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:28,600
getting a bit crotchety, so she calls the dog in and she says, Now, listen,

564
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:29,719
Tiddles.

565
00:34:30,779 --> 00:34:32,420
I don't think her eyes were too good either.

566
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:37,960
If I give you the money, do you think you'll go down and get my evening paper

567
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:41,620
tonight on your own? And the dog says, yes, I can do that, no problem.

568
00:34:43,179 --> 00:34:49,800
And I just made that bit up. Anyway, he was actually a very

569
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,639
intelligent and perceptive animal during the last election.

570
00:34:53,339 --> 00:34:57,460
Barry Unsworth came round to the house canvassing, and the dog made such a

571
00:34:57,460 --> 00:35:01,520
brilliant job of conducting its own defence, the judge ordered Mr. Undworth

572
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:02,520
be destroyed.

573
00:35:04,260 --> 00:35:06,360
So she gives it... Oh, my God!

574
00:35:07,100 --> 00:35:13,500
So... So she gives... She gives him the money for the newspaper. She says, now,

575
00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:14,620
you're sure you don't mind?

576
00:35:14,860 --> 00:35:16,740
And the dog says, no, I don't mind at all.

577
00:35:17,460 --> 00:35:18,900
Because he's got the money in his mouth.

578
00:35:21,870 --> 00:35:27,150
and he waddles off down the road while four hours go by and there's no sign of

579
00:35:27,150 --> 00:35:29,390
him. My God, she thinks, perhaps he's been kidnapped.

580
00:35:29,730 --> 00:35:32,470
Perhaps he's got tangled up in a toilet roll somewhere.

581
00:35:32,750 --> 00:35:34,010
I don't know what happens.

582
00:35:34,430 --> 00:35:39,150
Anyway, so she throws on her hat and coat and she begins combing the streets

583
00:35:39,150 --> 00:35:43,110
eventually, just as she's passing a dingy little alleyway, she hears a

584
00:35:43,110 --> 00:35:50,110
noise and there to her horror is her little dog with the little lady dog, as

585
00:35:50,110 --> 00:35:51,110
it were.

586
00:35:52,970 --> 00:35:55,570
You know, having a good time amongst the dustbins, you see.

587
00:35:55,910 --> 00:36:00,410
So she grabs a nearby bucket of water, throws it over them, and then drags the

588
00:36:00,410 --> 00:36:05,590
dog to one side. She said, well, really, I've never seen you do that before.

589
00:36:06,010 --> 00:36:08,410
And the dog looks up and says, well, I've never had the money before.

590
00:36:21,730 --> 00:36:26,730
Oh, the dimples in her cheeks. Oh, the dimples in her cheeks. And the ribbons

591
00:36:26,730 --> 00:36:27,428
her hair.

592
00:36:27,430 --> 00:36:30,790
And the ribbons in her hair. And the rosebuds on her lip.

593
00:36:32,430 --> 00:36:34,090
And the lengthy underwear.

594
00:36:34,550 --> 00:36:36,190
Oh, the dimples in her cheeks.

595
00:36:37,730 --> 00:36:40,730
There's a girl who lives near me, pretty as a pin.

596
00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:44,430
Whenever I go by her place, she always lets me in.

597
00:36:44,830 --> 00:36:47,930
She's a girl without no brain, she's simple, so they say.

598
00:36:49,070 --> 00:36:52,590
But when I take her in the woods, she always knows the way.

599
00:36:53,190 --> 00:36:55,170
Oh, the nipples in her cheeks.

600
00:36:56,730 --> 00:36:58,770
And the sunburn on her knees.

601
00:36:59,090 --> 00:37:02,390
And the music in her voice.

602
00:37:04,300 --> 00:37:07,900
And she tried so hard to please. Oh, the sunburn on her knee.

603
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:13,260
When first we met, she was wearing pants and pushing an old iron plow. At first

604
00:37:13,260 --> 00:37:15,940
I thought she was a boy, but I don't think so now.

605
00:37:16,260 --> 00:37:19,600
Sometimes we go for buggy rides and other times we walk.

606
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:23,940
I'd like to ask the gal her name, but we don't get time to talk.

607
00:37:25,820 --> 00:37:27,540
Roll the nipples in her cheek.

608
00:37:28,060 --> 00:37:31,220
And the freckles on her back.

609
00:37:33,450 --> 00:37:37,730
And the starlight in her eyes. And the starlight in her eyes. And she loved my

610
00:37:37,730 --> 00:37:38,609
brother Jack.

611
00:37:38,610 --> 00:37:40,350
What a shame she married Jack.

612
00:37:41,010 --> 00:37:43,970
And she loved my brother Jack.

613
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:06,160
Didn't have any baked bean and marmite, so got you some shrimp and bobber, all

614
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:12,220
right? So, your missus is out on the town tonight, is she?

615
00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:13,500
Yeah, yeah.

616
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:16,560
Yeah, she's gone to the dogs. Well, we all know that, but where's she gone to?

617
00:38:17,700 --> 00:38:21,160
No, I mean, she's gone to the racetrack, hasn't she? With her, you know, and

618
00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:21,899
your Eve.

619
00:38:21,900 --> 00:38:24,820
Oh, has she? Yeah, they've both gone dog racing. Oh, yeah. Well, they'll

620
00:38:24,820 --> 00:38:26,320
probably lose all their money, won't they? Yeah.

621
00:38:26,620 --> 00:38:28,420
finish up as paralytic as pigs, probably.

622
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,860
Get picked up by a couple of drunks, finish up an all -night orgy in Earl's

623
00:38:32,860 --> 00:38:33,860
Court. Still,

624
00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:35,960
it keeps them out of mischief, doesn't it?

625
00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:41,400
You're talking of mischief, far be it from me to pry into your sexual

626
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:46,360
procavities, but ever since you come into the bar, I couldn't help noticing

627
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:48,100
you've been wearing that frilly garter.

628
00:38:48,490 --> 00:38:49,910
round the sleeve of your donkey jacket.

629
00:38:50,130 --> 00:38:54,030
Now, which, if my memory serves me correctly, is not your usual custom, is

630
00:38:54,190 --> 00:38:57,150
No, you're right. Well, there is an explanation for that. Well, you damn

631
00:38:57,150 --> 00:38:58,150
hope so. Yeah.

632
00:38:58,470 --> 00:39:01,210
Remember the other weekend you and I went up west, didn't we?

633
00:39:01,470 --> 00:39:04,730
Ended up at that, you know, two o 'clock in the morning. You remember we ended

634
00:39:04,730 --> 00:39:06,390
up at that drafty little strip club?

635
00:39:06,670 --> 00:39:08,930
Oh, yeah, the air and the G -string, yeah, yeah, yeah.

636
00:39:10,170 --> 00:39:14,130
Well, we had a few that night. We did. Two to tell. Don't remember too much of

637
00:39:14,130 --> 00:39:18,130
what happened. Anyway, several days later, there was I at home, Lil, minding

638
00:39:18,130 --> 00:39:23,310
own business, you see, rifling through my trouser pockets, and she found this

639
00:39:23,310 --> 00:39:29,210
garter, you see. Now, me, having me wits about me, I spruced her along that it

640
00:39:29,210 --> 00:39:34,010
was a black armband I bought for mourning for Uncle Cedric, you see, who,

641
00:39:34,010 --> 00:39:36,010
luck would have it, had died the day before.

642
00:39:37,430 --> 00:39:38,970
It was lucky, wasn't it? Yeah.

643
00:39:39,310 --> 00:39:40,630
Very fortuitous indeed.

644
00:39:40,970 --> 00:39:43,530
Yeah. Not, of course, quite so lucky for Uncle Cedric, though. No.

645
00:39:44,370 --> 00:39:51,250
No. Anyway, they'll be in very... What's your name? Oh, dear. What do you

646
00:39:51,250 --> 00:39:56,650
call it, you know, when somebody, you know, believes everything you say?

647
00:39:56,970 --> 00:39:57,970
Thick.

648
00:40:00,630 --> 00:40:01,549
That's right.

649
00:40:01,550 --> 00:40:04,520
Thick. That is right. That is it. Thick, that's right. Yes, you're right, that's

650
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:09,080
what she is, thick. Anyway, still being thick, as you said, she, she believes,

651
00:40:09,220 --> 00:40:12,180
she's wanted it. She's wanted everything, you see. Only I've got to

652
00:40:12,180 --> 00:40:14,960
for two or three days, otherwise you're going to get very suspicious.

653
00:40:15,240 --> 00:40:16,138
Yeah.

654
00:40:16,140 --> 00:40:18,900
Good job she didn't find that little brazier in your other pocket then, would

655
00:40:18,900 --> 00:40:19,879
it?

656
00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:22,300
Otherwise you'd be walking around with red satin earmuffs.

657
00:40:25,580 --> 00:40:27,820
With them little holes to poke your earlobe through.

658
00:40:30,890 --> 00:40:33,910
So, listen, how old was your old Uncle Cedric then when he kicked it there? He

659
00:40:33,910 --> 00:40:35,170
was the wrong side of 60.

660
00:40:35,470 --> 00:40:36,229
What was that?

661
00:40:36,230 --> 00:40:37,230
94.

662
00:40:38,190 --> 00:40:41,690
Mind you, for the last six months of his life, he had been shacked up with a

663
00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:42,850
young bird of 25.

664
00:40:43,250 --> 00:40:44,810
Well, he was 94, she was 25?

665
00:40:45,050 --> 00:40:46,890
Yeah. She was shacked out, wasn't he?

666
00:40:48,470 --> 00:40:52,110
No, you see, he never had any kids of his own, you see, and apparently I think

667
00:40:52,110 --> 00:40:53,890
he wanted to carry on the family strain.

668
00:40:54,230 --> 00:40:55,230
Well, it would have been a strain, yeah.

669
00:40:56,330 --> 00:40:58,550
What did he die of then, terminal ecstasy or what?

670
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:01,440
So, yeah.

671
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,520
It's funny, you know, isn't it, this life and death business, you know? It's

672
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:09,340
very strange. I mean, I often sit here and think, why are we here?

673
00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:13,120
Well, the beer's cheaper for one.

674
00:41:15,740 --> 00:41:20,020
I don't mean why are we here. Why are we sitting in here in this pub having a

675
00:41:20,020 --> 00:41:24,720
pint in the Mary Thatcher? I don't mean that. I mean, life's great external

676
00:41:24,720 --> 00:41:27,000
riddle. Why do we exist?

677
00:41:28,230 --> 00:41:29,790
Well, it's something to do, isn't it?

678
00:41:30,330 --> 00:41:35,490
And furthermore, what happens after it? Now, I heard on the television the other

679
00:41:35,490 --> 00:41:39,250
night, I saw this programme where they said that there's grounds for believing

680
00:41:39,250 --> 00:41:42,810
that there might be intelligent life on the other side.

681
00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:44,790
What, you mean on Channel 10?

682
00:41:52,170 --> 00:41:57,070
Channel 10. Be realistic, Sid. Other life on Channel 10. What I'm talking

683
00:41:57,070 --> 00:41:58,970
is snuffing it.

684
00:41:59,330 --> 00:42:01,450
Snuffing it is not the end of it all, you see.

685
00:42:01,990 --> 00:42:04,650
We may very well, you and me, end up in hell.

686
00:42:05,450 --> 00:42:09,250
Oh, I never thought of that. Never thought of that for one minute. I never

687
00:42:09,350 --> 00:42:10,169
Listen to hell.

688
00:42:10,170 --> 00:42:11,550
I wonder what hell's like.

689
00:42:11,790 --> 00:42:14,890
Not a very nice place, I shouldn't think, would you? Of course it's not a

690
00:42:14,890 --> 00:42:18,270
nice place, otherwise it wouldn't be hell, would it? No, it's a terrible

691
00:42:18,430 --> 00:42:20,590
I always imagined it as some vast...

692
00:42:21,170 --> 00:42:25,910
bottomless pit, all burning, where everyone is chained up and forced to eat

693
00:42:25,910 --> 00:42:27,550
shrimp and Bobville crisps throughout eternity.

694
00:42:28,850 --> 00:42:30,410
Bit like root of the eel on a Friday.

695
00:42:34,710 --> 00:42:39,450
I suppose, then, do you suppose that Uncle Cedric is, in fact, in here at

696
00:42:39,450 --> 00:42:41,130
present moment? No, no, no, no.

697
00:42:41,370 --> 00:42:45,050
No, I've got a theory about that. I reckon that even now, your Uncle Cedric

698
00:42:45,050 --> 00:42:46,070
been reincarnated.

699
00:42:46,779 --> 00:42:47,779
Reincarnate? What do you mean by that?

700
00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:50,500
Reincarnate is when you come back into this life as something else, you know.

701
00:42:51,220 --> 00:42:54,660
I reckon if I had to come back into this life as something else, I would like to

702
00:42:54,660 --> 00:42:55,880
come back as an hyena.

703
00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:00,960
As an hyena? Why would you want to come back as a hyena? Well, if you come back

704
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:02,560
as an hyena, you're laughing, aren't you?

705
00:43:04,340 --> 00:43:07,720
I mean, you've got all that beautiful African sunshine. You wouldn't be forced

706
00:43:07,720 --> 00:43:09,440
to eat bleeding crisps all day, either, would you?

707
00:43:09,860 --> 00:43:13,180
No, I wouldn't want to come back as a hyena. Not me. Not with my feet.

708
00:43:13,710 --> 00:43:17,170
But you wouldn't have your feet, would you? You'd be an Iena, would you? I

709
00:43:17,190 --> 00:43:20,270
you wouldn't be an Iena trapping me through the jungle wearing two pairs of

710
00:43:20,270 --> 00:43:22,190
black broads and a set of odorators, would you?

711
00:43:22,890 --> 00:43:26,650
You would have the Iena's feet, would you? Yeah, but I still wouldn't want...

712
00:43:26,650 --> 00:43:29,610
wouldn't be me, you see, it wouldn't be... I think if I come back as

713
00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:31,070
I'd like to come back as a giraffe.

714
00:43:33,310 --> 00:43:34,430
You, as a giraffe?

715
00:43:36,790 --> 00:43:37,950
Why do you want to be a giraffe?

716
00:43:38,330 --> 00:43:40,010
Well, it'd stop you picking your noses.

717
00:43:46,220 --> 00:43:49,580
come back as, won't you? Hey, you're the old great white whale, I should say.

718
00:43:51,500 --> 00:43:54,600
You're right, really, with all the whale bones in the corsets and all that

719
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:56,200
blubber, she's got a head start.

720
00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:59,900
Well, she nearly got harpooned when you took her paddling to Clackton, didn't

721
00:43:59,900 --> 00:44:00,900
you?

722
00:44:01,140 --> 00:44:02,140
Hey, what's that?

723
00:44:02,200 --> 00:44:05,440
Oh, look at that. Look at the time I've got to get out of here. Oh, blimey.

724
00:44:05,660 --> 00:44:07,660
Here, I've got to put my black armband on now.

725
00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:11,140
What? You're not going to funeral and all, George, are you? No, I'm going up

726
00:44:11,140 --> 00:44:13,620
laws to see the cricket. England are battling against Australia.

727
00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:14,880
You know him? Yeah.

728
00:44:16,650 --> 00:44:19,310
Here now is one of Ronnie Barker's favourite sketches.

729
00:44:19,630 --> 00:44:21,790
He loved it because of Ronnie Corbett's performance.

730
00:44:23,350 --> 00:44:26,470
That was jolly good, that was. Thanks very much. I really enjoyed that.

731
00:44:34,070 --> 00:44:37,490
It's a super game, isn't it? I don't know why I've never tried it before.

732
00:44:38,310 --> 00:44:42,490
But I can assure you, my dear chap, from now on, thanks to you, I shall be a

733
00:44:42,490 --> 00:44:43,550
dedicated squish player.

734
00:44:45,370 --> 00:44:46,370
Squash.

735
00:44:47,420 --> 00:44:48,420
Pardon? Squash.

736
00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:52,080
The game is called Squash. Oh, yes, Squash. That's right, yes.

737
00:44:52,500 --> 00:44:56,340
Tell me, who actually won? I wasn't quite sure about the sort of scoring

738
00:44:56,340 --> 00:44:58,840
technique of it. I mean, did I win? You played.

739
00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:03,960
You won. You won. Oh, yes, yes. And how many goals did I get?

740
00:45:06,460 --> 00:45:11,040
Goals? Well, the thing is, you know, runs were... Points! Points, yes,

741
00:45:11,060 --> 00:45:14,100
yes. I mean, how many did I actually score? What was the score?

742
00:45:14,510 --> 00:45:20,070
Look, the score was game love, game one, game love, game love.

743
00:45:20,850 --> 00:45:24,510
Yes. You won by four games to love.

744
00:45:24,790 --> 00:45:25,589
Oh, good.

745
00:45:25,590 --> 00:45:28,450
That's good. You mean I scored four and you scored love?

746
00:45:28,830 --> 00:45:31,690
Yes. Ah, I see. And how many is love?

747
00:45:34,610 --> 00:45:35,970
Love is nothing.

748
00:45:36,629 --> 00:45:40,370
Oh, I see. Oh, no, that's not right, no, because I remember distinctly you did

749
00:45:40,370 --> 00:45:43,570
get a point early on, didn't you? Yes. Yes, only because you had... Oh, I know,

750
00:45:43,630 --> 00:45:45,430
I was holding the thing by the wrong end, wasn't I?

751
00:45:46,930 --> 00:45:50,810
I was trying to push it, yes, I remember it, yes. Yes, I must remember you hold

752
00:45:50,810 --> 00:45:54,750
the bat by the thing. The racket. The racket, yes, the racket. This is a

753
00:45:54,890 --> 00:45:57,190
you see what I mean? The game is called squash.

754
00:45:57,550 --> 00:46:01,950
Yes. We play it with a ball, and this is a plastic racket.

755
00:46:07,500 --> 00:46:08,660
Will it work now you've done that?

756
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:11,720
Look, I don't care.

757
00:46:11,980 --> 00:46:12,959
Do you understand?

758
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:13,960
I don't care.

759
00:46:14,380 --> 00:46:16,580
Because I'm not going to play squash anymore.

760
00:46:17,180 --> 00:46:18,180
Ever. Do you understand?

761
00:46:18,440 --> 00:46:21,960
Oh, I say, that's a bit sad, really, isn't it? I mean, I was hoping I was

762
00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:24,060
to come back next week and see if I could do a bit better.

763
00:46:26,820 --> 00:46:28,680
A bit better?

764
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:31,360
A bit better?

765
00:46:32,380 --> 00:46:33,520
Look, matey.

766
00:46:34,730 --> 00:46:37,450
I am the secretary of this squash club.

767
00:46:37,650 --> 00:46:40,650
You understand that? You know, I am the captain of the team.

768
00:46:41,470 --> 00:46:48,350
Last year I won the singles final in squash. I played for the state in

769
00:46:48,810 --> 00:46:49,810
You know,

770
00:46:50,290 --> 00:46:52,870
I'm one of the best players around about here, to be honest.

771
00:46:53,890 --> 00:46:54,890
You know, I'm good.

772
00:46:59,030 --> 00:47:00,290
You know what I mean? Good.

773
00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:05,940
You haven't played before, have you? You're vastly overweight.

774
00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:08,560
I mean, you know, you're lumbering about the court there.

775
00:47:09,020 --> 00:47:14,620
I mean, you've come on to that bloody court in your Grace Brothers suit.

776
00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:18,140
And you've thrashed me.

777
00:47:18,460 --> 00:47:20,020
You've pulverized me.

778
00:47:20,560 --> 00:47:24,320
Grown me into the dust in front of my friends. I mean, in front of my friends.

779
00:47:24,360 --> 00:47:25,940
You've humiliated me.

780
00:47:26,300 --> 00:47:28,660
How did you do it? How did you do it?

781
00:47:31,420 --> 00:47:32,420
Beginner's luck.

782
00:47:33,259 --> 00:47:37,980
It was a fluke, mate. A fluke, matey. Well, it won't happen again. It won't

783
00:47:37,980 --> 00:47:39,280
happen the next time, you understand?

784
00:47:39,500 --> 00:47:41,460
Well, you can't play again because you've broken your rocket.

785
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:42,680
Racket!

786
00:47:43,900 --> 00:47:44,900
Doesn't matter.

787
00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:49,580
I'll get a new one, you see. I'll get a new one. And I shall be back here

788
00:47:49,580 --> 00:47:53,900
tomorrow on this very court challenging you ten o 'clock. Not tomorrow.

789
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:57,040
Oh, no, sorry, not tomorrow. No, no can do. What do you mean, no can do? Well,

790
00:47:57,060 --> 00:47:59,000
I've got to go out to a place called Lord's. There's two fellas called

791
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:01,380
Gattingham, both of them. They're teaching me to play crack it or

792
00:48:09,620 --> 00:48:16,560
I first

793
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:18,340
met Dick down at Dirty Duck.

794
00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:20,020
Didn't I, Dick? Yeah.

795
00:48:21,100 --> 00:48:25,480
Two musicians down and our luck wasn't weak, Dick. Yeah.

796
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:31,080
We both sat down and had some beer. And he comes up with a great idea.

797
00:48:31,380 --> 00:48:33,780
We play in the street for the world to hear.

798
00:48:34,140 --> 00:48:35,480
Didn't you, Dick? Yeah.

799
00:48:36,200 --> 00:48:40,720
We soon became the best of chums. Didn't we, Dick? Yeah.

800
00:48:41,460 --> 00:48:45,860
I played the piccolo, he played the drums. Didn't you, Dick? Yeah.

801
00:48:46,590 --> 00:48:50,850
Well, that sounded off, so we knocked it on the head, and we formed a one -man

802
00:48:50,850 --> 00:48:51,850
band instead.

803
00:48:51,970 --> 00:48:54,410
The two of us, just me and Ted.

804
00:48:54,690 --> 00:48:55,730
Didn't we, Ted?

805
00:48:56,090 --> 00:49:03,030
Yeah. I go bang, he goes clang. I go squeak, and he goes twang. I go

806
00:49:03,030 --> 00:49:09,750
bump, he goes thump. I go thrash, and he goes thump. I go whiz, he goes ting.

807
00:49:09,850 --> 00:49:11,170
I go bonk.

808
00:49:11,450 --> 00:49:14,610
And he goes, we're renowned throughout the land.

809
00:49:15,050 --> 00:49:18,250
We're the only two -man, one -man band.

810
00:49:22,390 --> 00:49:27,110
The barmaid's nice and a dirty duck, isn't she, Dick? Yeah.

811
00:49:27,590 --> 00:49:32,250
She gave us a kiss and she wished us luck, didn't she, Dick? Yeah.

812
00:49:33,160 --> 00:49:38,200
She said, as I'm always telling you, son, two at a time is better than one.

813
00:49:38,520 --> 00:49:42,040
Twice the manpower, twice the fun, didn't she, Dick?

814
00:49:42,260 --> 00:49:43,218
No, no.

815
00:49:43,220 --> 00:49:48,100
I go, he goes, I go, and he goes.

816
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:50,960
It's sometimes when we should go boom.

817
00:49:51,180 --> 00:49:53,460
When he goes, I leave the room.

818
00:49:54,860 --> 00:50:00,540
He goes, I go, and he goes. We're in and throughout the land.

819
00:50:02,090 --> 00:50:04,350
We're the only two -man, one -man band.

820
00:50:31,340 --> 00:50:38,180
He goes clang. I go squeak. And he goes quang. I go bonk. He goes thump. I go

821
00:50:38,180 --> 00:50:42,460
crack. And he goes bonk. I go whiz. He goes ting.

822
00:50:42,700 --> 00:50:45,880
I go bonk. And he goes squeak. We're in a...

823
00:51:06,220 --> 00:51:09,820
This is The Two Ronnies Unseen, featuring their performances on

824
00:51:09,820 --> 00:51:11,900
television, produced back in 1986.

825
00:51:12,700 --> 00:51:13,700
Good evening.

826
00:51:14,220 --> 00:51:16,140
Australia in the 21st century.

827
00:51:16,340 --> 00:51:20,000
What will it be like? Well, we in the government have got together various

828
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:25,960
economic forecasters with their crystal balls and one or two with glass eyes to

829
00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:27,120
look into the future.

830
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:32,400
Over the next 20 years, high technology will gradually replace natural manpower

831
00:51:32,400 --> 00:51:33,940
in all walks of life.

832
00:51:34,180 --> 00:51:37,500
Now, here, for example, is the new microchip Richie Beno.

833
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:45,440
Very simple to operate, and as you can see, much more animated.

834
00:51:48,400 --> 00:51:53,280
In your shops now. The new generation of metallic performers will, of course,

835
00:51:53,280 --> 00:51:56,220
replace the wooden ones currently in use on neighbours.

836
00:51:58,980 --> 00:52:03,100
All actors will have to be oiled before going on stage, or in the case of Oliver

837
00:52:03,100 --> 00:52:04,200
Reed, well oiled.

838
00:52:05,500 --> 00:52:09,720
The advent of cable and satellite TV will give you a much wider range of

839
00:52:09,720 --> 00:52:14,320
television programs. By the year 2000, you will be able to choose from 567

840
00:52:14,320 --> 00:52:18,200
different channels using this handy remote control device.

841
00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:23,600
Different channels, of course, will cater for the interests of different

842
00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:27,370
specialist groups, and of course... ABC will continue to provide its own

843
00:52:27,370 --> 00:52:29,210
unrivaled programmes of minority interest.

844
00:52:30,870 --> 00:52:34,510
Such as 101 Things to Do If You're Laid Up in Bed with John Michael Housen.

845
00:52:37,870 --> 00:52:42,850
Now, it is also estimated that come the year 2010, Australia won't have a

846
00:52:42,850 --> 00:52:43,669
cricket team.

847
00:52:43,670 --> 00:52:44,930
So, no change there.

848
00:52:48,030 --> 00:52:51,870
And personal recreation well -researched shows that by the end of the century,

849
00:52:51,970 --> 00:52:53,850
sex will be replaced by snooker.

850
00:52:54,650 --> 00:52:56,490
As man's favourite pastime, that is.

851
00:52:56,990 --> 00:53:00,270
This won't make a great deal of difference, although some men will need

852
00:53:00,270 --> 00:53:01,270
rest.

853
00:53:02,950 --> 00:53:07,750
Others will need a longer vest, but... But what about the elderly?

854
00:53:08,090 --> 00:53:11,810
85 -year -old Mr Arthur Cretis of Wanala writes as follows.

855
00:53:12,350 --> 00:53:15,810
When is the government going to stop ignoring the old age pensioner?

856
00:53:17,270 --> 00:53:18,270
Next.

857
00:53:27,340 --> 00:53:31,260
what will be left of Australia's green belt? Well, here is a bird's -eye view.

858
00:53:34,640 --> 00:53:36,360
Sorry, that's a bird's -eye pee. Ah,

859
00:53:38,400 --> 00:53:42,120
there it is, you see? Now, all that will be left of our unspoiled countryside

860
00:53:42,120 --> 00:53:47,940
will be this 25 -acre golf course here in my back garden in Melbourne, where

861
00:53:47,940 --> 00:53:50,880
trespassers will be shot, but only if they're in season.

862
00:53:51,509 --> 00:53:55,510
But there will also be great strides forward in our space program. Already

863
00:53:55,510 --> 00:54:00,050
are underway to fire a game show host into outer space to make sure it's safe

864
00:54:00,050 --> 00:54:01,050
for a monkey.

865
00:54:03,270 --> 00:54:05,130
But it's not all good news. No.

866
00:54:05,410 --> 00:54:09,250
What can we expect from Medicare? Well, due to stringent new medical standards,

867
00:54:09,450 --> 00:54:12,390
no one will be admitted into hospital unless they're 100 % fit.

868
00:54:14,510 --> 00:54:16,770
This will unfortunately lead to slight delays in treatment.

869
00:54:17,150 --> 00:54:20,210
Migraine sufferers will have to put up with a little pain in the head, and

870
00:54:20,210 --> 00:54:22,970
lumbago sufferers will have to put up with a little pain in the back.

871
00:54:23,910 --> 00:54:27,830
Hemorrhoid sufferers will receive a visit from John McEnroe.

872
00:54:33,280 --> 00:54:36,740
Finally, what changes will there be in the government itself? Well, politics

873
00:54:36,740 --> 00:54:40,280
will become much more commercialised, and by the end of the century we could

874
00:54:40,280 --> 00:54:42,500
Houses of Parliament sponsored by Andrews Liverthorpe.

875
00:54:43,000 --> 00:54:45,400
This will greatly speed up the passing of amendments.

876
00:54:47,780 --> 00:54:50,500
Parliament will be dissolved every four hours in a glass of water.

877
00:54:51,760 --> 00:54:55,340
Office conditions throughout Canberra will be vastly improved. It's estimated

878
00:54:55,340 --> 00:54:59,280
that six out of every ten civil servants will have their own polished mahogany

879
00:54:59,280 --> 00:55:02,370
desk. and four out of ten will have a secretary on top of that.

880
00:55:04,550 --> 00:55:08,290
All the civil servants by then will, of course, be replaced by clockwork models,

881
00:55:08,350 --> 00:55:11,370
so their secretaries will each be issued with one of these keys.

882
00:55:11,730 --> 00:55:15,270
And that just about winds it up. Or if it doesn't, you may need a bigger key.

883
00:55:15,450 --> 00:55:16,450
Good night.

884
00:55:23,330 --> 00:55:27,170
Mr. Swellsby, can you suggest something for a headache?

885
00:55:29,290 --> 00:55:31,890
No, no, not you, dear. No, me, me.

886
00:55:32,090 --> 00:55:36,170
Oh, never mind. Send in a cup of herbal tea, if you don't mind. And the next

887
00:55:36,170 --> 00:55:37,170
patient, please.

888
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:08,400
Well, what seems to be the trouble?

889
00:56:13,380 --> 00:56:15,280
I've got a hatchet in my head.

890
00:56:15,860 --> 00:56:19,640
Good heavens, so you have. I noticed it as you came through the door, but I

891
00:56:19,640 --> 00:56:21,660
thought it was some sort of hat.

892
00:56:21,900 --> 00:56:23,800
It is some sort of hat. Yes, what sort?

893
00:56:24,020 --> 00:56:25,020
The painful sort.

894
00:56:26,140 --> 00:56:29,940
Oh, dear, I'm sorry. Is it causing you some discomfort? Of course it is, of

895
00:56:29,940 --> 00:56:34,180
course it is. Yes, it does look, does look very sore, I must say. You see, of

896
00:56:34,180 --> 00:56:35,500
course, you've got it here, haven't you?

897
00:56:35,900 --> 00:56:40,220
Bang, here you have it. Right between the sex drive and the ability to sew on

898
00:56:40,220 --> 00:56:41,220
buttons.

899
00:56:46,160 --> 00:56:47,960
Would you do something about it, please?

900
00:56:48,240 --> 00:56:49,660
Yes, certainly. What is your name, please?

901
00:56:51,340 --> 00:56:54,680
Initials? TK. Look, I failed to see what... Date of birth, please.

902
00:56:55,500 --> 00:56:56,840
August the 4th, 1930.

903
00:56:57,500 --> 00:57:00,800
Oh, well, that's it. Typical. What do you mean, typical what? Typical Leo.

904
00:57:01,120 --> 00:57:02,120
Leo?

905
00:57:02,720 --> 00:57:06,970
Leo, fire sign, fire, metal, hatchet. It is a fireman's hatchet, isn't it? Yes,

906
00:57:06,970 --> 00:57:11,350
it is. And of course, it's the 11th of the month. You are bound to get a

907
00:57:11,350 --> 00:57:12,249
in your head.

908
00:57:12,250 --> 00:57:17,650
I mean, it's curious. You won't believe this, but I've just written a paper on

909
00:57:17,650 --> 00:57:18,650
the very subject.

910
00:57:19,270 --> 00:57:21,610
Perhaps you'd care to read it. No, thanks.

911
00:57:22,570 --> 00:57:24,530
I don't really like reading. I've got a splitting headache.

912
00:57:26,410 --> 00:57:28,870
Well, me too, I can assure you. Yeah, but I've got a hatchet in mine.

913
00:57:30,460 --> 00:57:34,660
To the untutored eye, outwardly, yes. Some of it is inwardly.

914
00:57:35,240 --> 00:57:36,240
It hurts.

915
00:57:36,780 --> 00:57:40,500
Look, I am the doctor, Mrs. Platt. Will you please allow me to be the judge of

916
00:57:40,500 --> 00:57:42,240
what does and what does not hurt?

917
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:43,960
Now, please.

918
00:57:44,480 --> 00:57:47,920
Do you get tingling at the end of the fingers? No, no, no, no, no. All the

919
00:57:47,920 --> 00:57:49,800
tingling is confined to my head. Look,

920
00:57:50,580 --> 00:57:52,040
let us not jump to conclusions.

921
00:57:52,320 --> 00:57:55,480
This hatchet in the head may be the symptom of something...

922
00:57:55,820 --> 00:57:59,120
Far worse. Well, far worse? How can it be far worse? Look, this is an

923
00:57:59,280 --> 00:58:00,340
Will you do something about it, please?

924
00:58:00,560 --> 00:58:01,980
If only you'd come to me ten years ago.

925
00:58:04,140 --> 00:58:05,180
I've only just got it.

926
00:58:05,840 --> 00:58:10,240
A lifetime of sitting in the wrong posture, possibly, or a diet of red

927
00:58:10,240 --> 00:58:13,540
you didn't even know your birth sign, did you? Of course. You're going to get

928
00:58:13,540 --> 00:58:16,440
hatchet in your head. Will you just pull it out, please? You see, in this case,

929
00:58:16,480 --> 00:58:18,480
we have to treat the whole man.

930
00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:19,840
What about the hole in the man?

931
00:58:20,760 --> 00:58:23,520
What kind of doctor are you, anyway?

932
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:28,590
Look. You are living out of accord with nature, you see. Your ying and your yang

933
00:58:28,590 --> 00:58:32,510
are out of... You see, you're feeling alienated.

934
00:58:32,890 --> 00:58:35,530
Violent. It's not me that's violent. It's the man upstairs who's stuck in my

935
00:58:35,530 --> 00:58:36,530
head. He's a violent one.

936
00:58:36,610 --> 00:58:39,430
Look, even the man upstairs obeys orders from outer forces.

937
00:58:39,690 --> 00:58:43,830
Oh, forget it. I'm just going to an ordinary hospital outpatient. Sorry

938
00:58:43,830 --> 00:58:44,830
it.

939
00:58:45,290 --> 00:58:48,750
Grateful amateurs. What do you know of the cosmos? Look, you are a windbag, a

940
00:58:48,750 --> 00:58:52,450
gasbag and a crank, and I hope you sit on your own acupuncture needles.

941
00:58:54,510 --> 00:58:55,510
Great.

942
00:59:02,890 --> 00:59:09,150
The headache's completely gone.

943
00:59:22,600 --> 00:59:25,320
It says here there is no recession.

944
00:59:26,140 --> 00:59:30,760
All I can say is if this isn't a recession, it must be the worst boom in

945
00:59:30,760 --> 00:59:31,760
history.

946
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:35,680
Now, everybody's got more money than they used to have.

947
00:59:36,060 --> 00:59:37,120
I haven't.

948
00:59:37,740 --> 00:59:38,740
That's it.

949
00:59:39,480 --> 00:59:41,380
Didn't you just have an uncle die?

950
00:59:41,820 --> 00:59:44,380
No. No, I got an auntie die.

951
00:59:45,220 --> 00:59:46,220
Married to Fred.

952
00:59:47,540 --> 00:59:49,260
Oh, it was your auntie, was it?

953
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:52,690
No, I... he didn't die, he's alive.

954
00:59:53,050 --> 00:59:54,890
It was Fred. He's dead.

955
00:59:56,350 --> 00:59:57,350
Fred.

956
00:59:58,110 --> 00:59:59,110
Dead.

957
01:00:00,450 --> 01:00:02,590
How much money did he leave then?

958
01:00:02,950 --> 01:00:04,950
Well, all of it. You have to, don't you?

959
01:00:05,650 --> 01:00:10,270
But none of it to me. I am truly thoracic. Well, like me.

960
01:00:10,690 --> 01:00:13,770
I haven't got two openings to scratch the soles of my feet with.

961
01:00:13,990 --> 01:00:15,750
Well, I don't need money. I do.

962
01:00:16,220 --> 01:00:21,960
I do. I've asked for money. I've begged for money. I've cried for money. Well,

963
01:00:21,980 --> 01:00:26,280
why don't you work for it? I'm going through the alphabet. I haven't got the

964
01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:27,280
yet.

965
01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:44,420
The two Ronnies traditionally closed their shows with a song.

966
01:00:44,910 --> 01:00:49,110
This bittersweet number written by Ronnie Barker doesn't play for laughs,

967
01:00:49,110 --> 01:00:52,810
reminds us what highly accomplished actors the two Ronnies were.

968
01:00:54,250 --> 01:00:57,450
People don't want clowns no more.

969
01:00:59,210 --> 01:01:01,990
We seem to be out of fashion now.

970
01:01:02,230 --> 01:01:04,970
We seem to have lost our dash somehow.

971
01:01:05,170 --> 01:01:07,650
We seem to have lost our clout.

972
01:01:11,290 --> 01:01:13,530
People don't think we're funny.

973
01:01:14,300 --> 01:01:15,300
No more.

974
01:01:17,120 --> 01:01:23,980
Comedy seems to have passed us by. It's just moved on. Don't ask us why. Left us

975
01:01:23,980 --> 01:01:25,160
down and out.

976
01:01:27,680 --> 01:01:33,160
But I remember the day when everyone loved the clown.

977
01:01:33,540 --> 01:01:40,360
I remember the day whenever the circus came to town. All the kids in the

978
01:01:40,360 --> 01:01:43,120
neighborhood ran after you down the street.

979
01:01:44,060 --> 01:01:48,480
Everyone's next door neighbor wouldn't knock on the wall as hard as they could.

980
01:01:48,620 --> 01:01:49,578
There he is!

981
01:01:49,580 --> 01:01:50,580
There he is!

982
01:01:51,020 --> 01:01:52,440
Come out to me, my dear.

983
01:01:52,860 --> 01:01:57,360
And the elephants holding each other's tails came lumbering through the crowd.

984
01:01:57,880 --> 01:02:02,480
Pulling the cage, if in hell, the lions and the liberty horses trotting proud.

985
01:02:02,680 --> 01:02:06,480
Then the stilts and the acrobats came tumbling through the town.

986
01:02:06,760 --> 01:02:11,460
And behind them all, to tremendous tears, the hero of the day appeared.

987
01:02:11,720 --> 01:02:13,520
The clown, the clown.

988
01:02:13,920 --> 01:02:15,840
Everyone loved the clown.

989
01:02:16,500 --> 01:02:18,760
Everyone loved the clown.

990
01:02:26,440 --> 01:02:29,720
People don't want clowns no more.

991
01:02:31,880 --> 01:02:34,460
Things we do don't make them laugh.

992
01:02:35,160 --> 01:02:39,960
Comical car that falls in half no longer stops the show.

993
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:47,180
People don't go for our gags no more.

994
01:02:48,840 --> 01:02:54,020
The slippery planks and the buckets of paste, it's sheer hard graft just gone

995
01:02:54,020 --> 01:02:56,900
waste, and nobody wants to know.

996
01:02:59,920 --> 01:03:05,100
But I remember the day when the clowns were the only thing.

997
01:03:05,560 --> 01:03:12,140
I remember the day whenever we entered the circus ring, that joyful sound, that

998
01:03:12,140 --> 01:03:17,660
magical roar would surge up from the crowd, and as each pratfall shoot the

999
01:03:17,660 --> 01:03:22,340
floor. Little Joey came back for more. The laughs were loud.

1000
01:03:22,580 --> 01:03:24,840
The laughs were loud and loud.

1001
01:03:25,390 --> 01:03:29,370
And the flower bags bursting all over the place and the custard pies that

1002
01:03:29,690 --> 01:03:34,690
And the soldier Simon full in the face and the baggy trousers filled with glue.

1003
01:03:34,890 --> 01:03:38,930
Jock on his square wheel bicycle and Jimbo's gigantic ears.

1004
01:03:39,210 --> 01:03:43,410
And the final chase round the edge of the ring. And you feel no pain and the

1005
01:03:43,410 --> 01:03:48,470
only thing are the cheers. The cheers. The cheers. You never forget the cheers.

1006
01:03:48,550 --> 01:03:51,270
You never forget the cheers.

1007
01:04:00,810 --> 01:04:04,070
People don't want clowns no more.

1008
01:04:05,870 --> 01:04:08,810
I tend to blame the telly myself.

1009
01:04:09,870 --> 01:04:12,150
That's what's put us on the shelf.

1010
01:04:12,810 --> 01:04:14,650
That's what did us in.

1011
01:04:19,290 --> 01:04:23,010
It's too sophisticated now.

1012
01:04:25,750 --> 01:04:28,510
There's entertainment round the clock.

1013
01:04:29,200 --> 01:04:34,980
From breakfast TV to late night rock, it's one long bleeding din.

1014
01:04:38,340 --> 01:04:40,620
Too many of us at it now.

1015
01:04:41,140 --> 01:04:43,520
They're at it all day long.

1016
01:04:44,740 --> 01:04:46,960
Everyone's jumped on the gravy train.

1017
01:04:48,380 --> 01:04:49,860
Competition's too strong.

1018
01:04:50,340 --> 01:04:55,760
There's quiz shows, talent shows, the adverts wall to wall.

1019
01:04:56,100 --> 01:04:58,890
The men who talk of... politics.

1020
01:04:59,250 --> 01:05:01,910
The biggest clowns of all.

1021
01:05:03,390 --> 01:05:06,750
Still, come on, Jacko, we can't sit here.

1022
01:05:08,710 --> 01:05:11,610
There's two more shows tomorrow night.

1023
01:05:12,190 --> 01:05:14,950
Two more chances to get it right.

1024
01:05:15,750 --> 01:05:17,430
Providing family fun.

1025
01:05:19,610 --> 01:05:20,910
Let's get moving.

1026
01:05:21,290 --> 01:05:22,370
There's a deer.

1027
01:05:25,040 --> 01:05:27,800
It's half past twelve and I'm soaking wet.

1028
01:05:28,460 --> 01:05:30,740
And we've got to muck out the elephant yet.

1029
01:05:32,200 --> 01:05:33,200
Come on.

1030
01:05:33,780 --> 01:05:35,340
Oh, we'll never get done.

1031
01:05:44,260 --> 01:05:45,260
Well,

1032
01:05:46,660 --> 01:05:49,500
I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week. Next week we shall be talking

1033
01:05:49,500 --> 01:05:53,260
to Australia's oldest working milkman, who's just become a father at 71.

1034
01:05:53,900 --> 01:05:55,980
and at 23 and at the Larches as well.

1035
01:05:59,480 --> 01:06:05,580
And we'll also be talking to Angus McTavish of the Sydney Caledonian

1036
01:06:05,580 --> 01:06:09,900
who, when asked to do something Glaswegian on Burns Night, was sick in a

1037
01:06:09,900 --> 01:06:10,900
box.

1038
01:06:12,680 --> 01:06:16,160
And in the back programme, we shall be meeting the world's greatest basketball

1039
01:06:16,160 --> 01:06:20,260
team, which recently changed to a high -fibre diet and are now known as the

1040
01:06:20,260 --> 01:06:21,260
Harlem Bogtrotters.

1041
01:06:24,680 --> 01:06:29,220
And we'll be meeting Elastic Jack, the contortionist who puts his legs behind

1042
01:06:29,220 --> 01:06:31,140
his ears and makes a spectacle of himself.

1043
01:06:32,380 --> 01:06:35,820
Well, then, it's goodnight from me. And it's good day from him. Good day.

1044
01:06:38,920 --> 01:06:43,820
We have an extra special Sunday night of laugh coming up. It begins here at nine

1045
01:06:43,820 --> 01:06:45,860
at brand new Billy Connolly and his own words.

1046
01:06:46,200 --> 01:06:50,020
Next, from acorn antiques to dinner ladies and then those songs at the

1047
01:06:50,080 --> 01:06:52,580
it's a funny business with Victoria Gould.