I'm done.
Thank you. Good evening and welcome to the show. I must say it's very nice to
with you all, isn't it? It is. And it's very nice to be with you. Thank you,
Ron. Yes, it's lovely to see you all for this, the second show in our series.
Last week we had the first one.
We call it the Eurovision Song Contest.
Very few people spotted that we in fact did play all the parts.
I played Clodagh Rogers. Yes, but I won.
It may sound like hard work, but we found it much easier than the Cassius
-Frasier fight you may have seen us do last month.
We decided actually to call the series The Two Arthurs.
But then we thought that wouldn't work because Ronnie Barker isn't called
Arthur. So we decided to call a Ronnie and an Arthur. But then someone pointed
out that I'm not called Arthur either. So we rather smartly thought up the
The Two Ronnies.
Thank you, Arthur.
We've got an action -packed show here. We shall be looking at the major issues
in the news today.
Here's a piece of film we've just had in from Dover.
I've got a bottle of perfume, an instant camera, some nylon stockings,
and a couple of bottles of champagne.
Oh, lovely.
Let's go back to my place.
And now, our guide to next week's programmes. And the BBC have asked us to
that they're making too much of their historical series.
On BBC One, there's the third repeat of The Six Wives of Henry VIII.
On BBC Two, there's the eighth repeat of The Three Wives of Henry VI.
On BBC Three, there's the sixth repeat of the second part of the third episode
of The Five Wives of Henry IV, part two.
This will be followed by the brand new BBC Two series, Henry VIII Meets Abbott
and Costello.
Here's the rest of the news. Now, we've put this together in rather a hurry, so
the editing, you know, may not be quite as good as usual. There may be little
gaps here and there, but still, you know, what is editing or little gaps
friends?
The President of France arrived in London today. He was wearing a fawn
midi dress and a matching picture hat.
The Queen later welcomed the Emperor of Ethiopia highly indignant.
The President of the Newport -Camden Family Planning Association is to have
another child.
Anyone who saw the accident is asked to phone... Telephone number, Whitehall 1,
Arsenal 3.
In the Miss World competition, Miss Sweden was placed first. A close second
Mr Edward Heath.
The commons then debated the price of syrupa figs, but only three ran.
In the Gloria Van Crumpit divorce case, the co -respondent was named as the
Argyle and Sutherland Highlanders, with the help of the Highland Light Infantry.
Now, politics.
It's time to consider the state of the party.
Hello. Jolly nice party, this, isn't it?
Rather nice wine.
My name's...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. It's something I just can't control. If I were you, I'd just move
away. Well, I did.
Everybody else does.
Don't worry. I'll be all right. I'm used to it.
Well, it seems such a shame.
Look, supposing I just sort of... Supposing I just sort of kept an eye on
hand of yours, and every time it came up, you know, to give me a little thing,
ducked my head, we could have quite a reasonable conversation.
There we are.
I'm sorry about that. And jolly well heard, that dude. I know. I forgot to
you about that. It does hurt. It does hurt. That's the trouble, you see. I've
got new friends left. I tell them my troubles, and I try to be kind to them,
they try to be kind to me and nice, and then I kick them.
Oh, I can't go on much longer. Why, Gloria?
I ought not to have locked my temper and raised my voice really, you know.
Look, you go off.
You go off and enjoy yourself.
There's nothing you can do. There's nothing anyone can do. Oh, there must
Tell me, have you thought
of seeing somebody? I mean, for example, I don't know. Have you thought of
seeing a psychiatrist?
Psychiatrist? What would I want with a psychiatrist?
I mean, nothing sticks these days, does it?
I just thought a psychiatrist might possibly, you know, be able to assist
And, you know, you might...
And,
you know, in so doing, he might help you, you know, to sort of... It's no
seeing a psychiatrist. He'd only say I would start staring mad, wouldn't he?
Yes, but you're not mad.
No, I'm not mad. Of course I'm not mad.
Trouble I get, you see. I mean, I want to be liked and I need to be liked, but
it's just that I just can't help it, you see. I can't help it.
Look, I... I don't. I don't want to.
Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings. Not for a minute do I want to
your feelings. But I suppose you're right. I ought to go.
I ought to go, really.
But there is just one thing I would like to say before going.
I hope. I hope you understand.
I feel so pathetic, so hopelessly helpless, not being able to cope with
problem of yours. I'm very sorry. Thank you for trying, anyway.
Well... No hard feelings, then? No, not at all.
Oh!
Hello, George.
Oh, hello, Charles.
I thought I'd never get rid of him.
I think the girl you're about to see is going to be a really big star. She's
only 16.
This is her very first television appearance.
She makes a thrilling sound.
And what's more, she's absolutely tiny.
Isn't that lovely?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome please, Tina Charles.
And now, number 2 ,164 in our series, how to get rid of embarrassing speech
defects. Last week, we taught you to say Schleswig -Holstein without soaking the
wallpaper.
This week, how to stop saying everything twice. How to stop saying everything
twice.
You know, I myself used to say everything twice once.
It was a kind of nervous habit in times of stress. I remember asking a girl, of
whom I was rather shy, to come to the cinema.
And she said, which film? And I said, Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Bang,
Bang, Bang, Bang.
Of course, I am lucky I was cured. I am lucky I was cured.
A man once said to me, a man once said to me, there is a German town where they
cure this. There is a German town where they cure this.
Pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.
I said, pardon, pardon.
And he said, I said, he said, I said, pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.
He should have just said, pardon, pardon. He should have just said,
pardon. But what he said was, what he said was, pardon, pardon, pardon,
Pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.
Now, if you suffer from saying everything twice, if you suffer from
everything twice, write to this address, write to this address. The Larches, the
Larches, Gangadin Avenue, Gangadin Avenue.
Chipping, chipping, sodry, sodry.
Fortunately, fortunately, this form of illness, illness doesn't last long, last
long. After a few, after a few minutes, the patient begins to say only a few
things twice, things twice.
Sometimes only bits of words, er, so... So try to put up with it, up with it,
and avoid words like plastic, tick, tick, tick, tick, and livestock, tock,
tock, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick.
Never christen your child Rupert, but, but, but, but, but, but.
And if you see some people evil eating their lunch unch on the grass grass,
never refer to them as picnickers, niggers, niggers.
Finally, here is the address.
That was referred to here, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12.
The larches, arches, gunga -gunga, din -din, abby -abby, new -new, chip -chip,
ping -ping, sod -sod, very -very.
Good -goodnight -ight -ight -ight -ight -ight -ight, tiddly -ight -ight -ight
-ight.
I must admit, it was with more than a little trepidation that I approached my
destination.
Was it really true?
With the sound of the convent bell still ringing in my ears, was I really
travelling north to become the mistress of a wealthy industrialist?
No, of course I wasn't. I was travelling south to start work as a governor.
I told myself that I must stop indulging in the foolish habit of imagining
myself into these romantic situations.
Forgive me, dear reader.
But how could I have known what adventures were to befall me?
But let us go back to the beginning.
My name is Henrietta Beckett, and I am 21 years old.
My father is a country parson, my mother a member of an old county family, and
the man next to me has just put his hand on my knee.
The Mother Superior was right. The parasol is a blessing in all ways.
So I was here at last, Hampton Wick.
As I stepped down from the coach, a feeling foreboding descended upon me.
air was chill, and so was my heart.
What lay in store for me behind those forbidding walls?
I was to know soon enough.
What is more...
You will do precisely as you are told, James.
I am the master in this house, and I say that you will go into the army.
When you were born, I decided that you would go into the army.
When you were christened, James, your godfather expressed a wish that you
go into the army.
The eldest son of the family has always been called James and has always gone
into the army. And going to the army, you shall, James, whether you like it or
not. Now.
Have you anything to say?
Yes, Father. I'm Edward.
Edward? Well, where's James?
He's working as a porter at Euston Station, Father. Is he? Is that a good
No, terrible.
Good. Never did like that, boy.
Now then, what did I want to see you about?
Nothing, Father. Then why are we here?
I've come to tell you, Father, that the coach is shortly to arrive, bearing with
it the new governess.
Oh, wonderful.
Father, don't you think I'm a trifle old for a governess? Nonsense, boy. I had a
governess when I was 19.
How old are you?
36, Father. Well, there you are. You see, there's no time to be lost.
Besides... I like a woman around the place. It makes me feel young again.
Oh, it takes me back.
Doesn't do your legs much good either, Father.
Father, don't you think you're a trifle old for that sort of thing, don't you
think, Father? Are you insinuating, sir, that I am over -preoccupied with the
fair sex?
Fair's got nothing to do with it, Father. You are simply over
What about that grossest sister in Ashford who allowed you once to press
flowers in your encyclopedia?
Ah, but only her annuals.
Beckett. Miss Beckett, might I introduce my father, Sir Geoffrey Hampton? Oh,
cha -cha -cha.
Charmed. Charmed, my dear.
How do you do, Sir Geoffrey? I'm very well. And how are you both?
Well?
How delighted they were.
And how pleased they seemed to be to welcome me within their doors.
And yet, the more I looked at the old man, the more I began to realise why he
had employed me.
Crumpet? Happily, it was with young Edward that I was to spend most of my
And I must confess that I had already begun to lose my heart to him.
We spent many a happy hour studying together.
Drawing upon my own limited experience, I endeavoured to provide him with as
wide an education as possible.
The days indeed passed happily enough.
But the nights, oh, the nights began to distress me more and more.
Old Sir Geoffrey had been pressing his intentions upon me more and more each
evening.
Each night he would come to my room and beg me to submit to his evil will.
But I was adamant. Ow!
and time after time.
But each time I repulsed him, I wanted no one but my dear Edward.
In fact, I often went to his room to ask him if he loved me.
And
he
came to mine.
To tell me that he did.
I knew then that the time had come to leave Hampton Wick.
Oh, pray forgive me for intruding, but I need help. I'm having trouble fastening
my chest, and I wouldn't want my treasures to fall out on a journey.
Allow me, my dear, I'm very good with buttons.
I was referring to my trunk, Sir Geoffrey, and well you know it. Not well
enough, Miss Beckett. Oh, won't you reconsider your decision?
I will not, sir.
Pray, Father, control yourself.
Go to your room, you insolent young puppy.
It's no good trying to make me look small.
It's too late for that sort of thing, Father. Come, Miss Beckett, I shall
you to the coach.
Goodbye, Sir James. Very well, then, go. Go and seek your fortune in the big
city. But remember, a woman can't hold out very long if she hasn't got a penny.
Edward took me to the coach, and a few flakes of snow drifting down reminded me
that it was a year... Almost the day since I had entered his life.
It was a black day for me, and an even blacker one for Edward.
She's one.
Yeah, ain't she there, eh?
Oi.
Hungry? Yes, a little.
Got lodgings?
No.
Follow me, darling.
It seemed as if fortune once again had smiled upon me in my hour of need.
As the two honest labourers discussed which particular lodgings would best
my needs, I began to wonder how I could repay such unsolicited kindness.
Alas, dear reader, I was... Soon to long.
Number, please.
Interpol, please. Do I have Interpol?
Interpol. I want to speak to Interpol, please.
Hold the line, sir.
Warnworth Police Station.
Can I help you?
Good evening.
Could I have Interpol, please? I want Interpol.
I'll connect you with Scotland Yard, sir. Hold on. Thank you.
sir? Um, Interpol, please. I want to speak to Interpol.
Is it red priority, sir?
Um, yes. Yes, please.
Hold the line, please.
Hello?
Interpol here.
Oh, Interpol?
I want to send some flowers by wire to my mother.
And now, our regular guest, singing their hit number, Rose Garden, New
When you take, you gotta give. So live and let live. I'll let you go. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
I beg your pardon.
I never promised you a rose garden.
I could promise you things like big diamond rings, but you don't find roses
growing on thoughts of clover.
So you better think it over.
If it's me talking, you could make it come true. I could give you the world
right now on a silver platter.
But what would it matter?
So smile for a while and let's be jolly.
I never promised you a rose garden along with the sunshine.
There's gotta be a little rain sometime.
I beg your pardon.
I never promised you a rose garden.
I could sing you a tune and promise you the moon, but if that's what it takes to
hold you, well, just this tune will let you go.
But there's one thing I want you to know.
You better look before you leap, still waters run deep, and there won't always
be someone there to pull you out.
And you know what I'm talking about.
Love shouldn't be so melancholy. Come along and share the good times while you
can.
I beg your pardon.
I never promised you a rose garden along with the sunshine.
There's got to be a little rain sometime.
I beg your pardon.
I never promised you a rose garden.
Ah,
thank you. Thank you, New World.
and welcome to the old world.
One of the writers asked if I'd like to say that, you know, or if I'd prefer to
say something funny.
When I realised what he was referring to was antiques, you see, because I do
happen to possess a little antique emporium very adjacent to these studios
often referred to as the Arthur Negus of the Twilight Zone.
We started this business a few years ago, you know.
when things weren't too good, and my wife was on strike from the cement
Anyway, what I was going to tell you was... Yes, they're there, if you look
them. What I was going to tell you was that I was over in Paris recently,
because if you're going to buy antiques at the moment, you've got to travel, you
know, because all the best pieces are abroad these days.
Anyway, I was walking along the Champs -Élysées, and there was this very lovely
young lady standing on the corner. Now, she must have been able to tell I was
British. Although I had taken great pains to dress like a native.
Perhaps it was the bowler on top of the barrier that gave me away.
I said to her, excuse me. I said to her, excuse me.
Am I doing rather a lot of swaying? I think I am. I said to her, I'll sit
for a minute. I said to her, I said to her, excuse me, but am I right for the
unknown soldier?
To which she replied, have you got a match, Sherry?
Well, which happened to be all the English she knew, and I later found out
could ask for a light in any language in the NATO command.
And Swahili.
Now, I've never learned to speak any French, because I was educated at rather
cut -price boarding school.
St. Tesco's.
We had a French teacher, you know, but he couldn't speak English. He used to
spend all his time out on a bicycle selling onions.
The result was we didn't know much French, but we certainly knew our
So I got a piece of paper out.
That's pity on me. So I got a piece of paper out.
I'm pathetically miming a piece of paper on the palm of my hand.
I got a piece of paper out, you see, and I began to draw, and I drew a knife and
a fork. And she nodded, and off we went to the hardware shop.
The chap in there could speak a bit of English, and he managed to sort it all
out, and I bought a saucepan for the wife.
But eventually, eventually we did have a nice dinner, and I found that I could
communicate perfectly well with these little drawings, you know.
Little drawings. I'd draw a little wine glass and show it to him. He'd have a
little glass of wine, draw a couple of dances and show it to him. We had a
little dance. It was lovely.
Then, suddenly, I remembered a couple of French phrases that I'd heard
somewhere. Voulez -vous promenade and ferme la porte?
Well, we didn't buy many antiques, but, my God, we walked a few miles and closed
a few doors that evening.
Right at the end, I was sitting there, sitting there, having a little glass of
wine, and trying to draw a good night.
Trying to draw breath as well. Trying to draw a good night. And
she took a pen and paper out of her bag, and she started drawing. And she was
drawing there for 20 minutes.
Now, when she showed me that piece of paper, believe it or not, on it was the
most perfect example of a Louis XIV four -poster bed.
Now, what I want to know is, how did she know I was in the antique business?
Is this the hearing aid centre?
Pardon?
Is this the hearing aid centre?
Oh, yes, that's right, yes.
I've come to be fitted for a hearing aid.
Pardon?
I've come to be fitted for a hearing aid. Oh, do sit down, would you?
I'll just take a few details.
Name?
Pardon?
Name?
Crampton. Pardon?
Crampton. Oh, Crampton. Pardon?
I said Crampton.
Oh, then, Mr. Crampton, I take it you're having difficulty with your hearing.
Pardon?
I take it you're having difficulty with your hearing. That's correct.
Pardon? That's correct.
Which ear?
Pardon? Which ear?
The right one. Pardon? The right one.
Would you mind covering it with your hand, please?
Now then, can you hear me?
Pardon?
Can you hear what I'm saying?
You're a little bit faint.
Pardon? You're a little bit faint.
Ah, I can't hear you. Pardon?
Try the other ear.
That's it. Now, what's that like?
Still can't hear you.
Can you hear me?
Pardon?
Yes, you definitely need a hearing aid. Yes, I thought so.
Pardon? You can't hear me either, can you? Pardon?
Why don't you try one? You're still very faint. A hearing aid. Why don't you try
one? Oh, I've got one. Pardon? Pardon? I said pardon. Oh, I said pardon.
Oh, forget it. I'll get a set of new teeth.
Ladies and gentlemen, Alfredo. Pardon? Alfredo.
Good
evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
I choose to start a few mimics all over the world. For you, the great Sammy
Davis, Jr.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, you see now my military parade.
Thank you.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, you see now a very nice drink with a beer.
Here, nothing.
Here, thank you.
My best number.
So, let's go.
Cheerio! Cheerio! Skol! Santi!
Saluti! Nat Provia! Echecete! Prost!
Folk. Folk.
There's a dream of a queen who I see in New Orleans
in the summertime.
She's so lean, so serene, and she's clean.
I've never seen such a queen of 17 in
the summertime.
In the summertime, there will come a time at the moment I'm working
overtime for a pal of mine. So I'll have a time to get to
New Orleans.
Her eyes are green, just like a bee.
Her legs are lean, and just between ourselves I mean.
I love that queen.
In the summertime
Their
eyes
are clean And just between Their legs are clean And just between
Ourselves I mean To love the Queen In the summertime
Before we get any further, I'd very much like you to meet my old partner and
buddy, Fat Valley Jones.
Glad to know you. Mighty glad to be here. Thank you.
Fat Valley Jones, ladies and gentlemen, a great big friend of mine, wonderful,
warm -hearted friend of mine, and the best guitar player this side of me.
Well, thank you, Big Jim. That's real nice of you.
Sure is wonderful.
Fat Belly Jones helps around the farm with the pigs, don't you, Fat Belly? Oh,
love pigs.
Sure does. It's all over town.
Of course, he's a real country boy at heart, old Fat Belly. I mean, his
they've been blacksmiths in the Omaha state for four, five, six generations.
Come on, Fat Belly, you tell the folks out there, the good folks out there,
about how you and your family were all blacksmiths, eh?
Cobblers.
Well, seems you don't want to talk about it right now.
So here it is now. A little number goes like this. Something like this here.
This is the way it goes. Something like this.
Down by the river where all the bullrush grows. Watch the girls swim in there
without no hesitation. Out in the open,
sitting in my corn pad.
Mad Mary on my old barn door. I know just what she's awaiting for. Up in the
loft where the oil lamp flickers. I lost my heart and she lost her parasol. Out
in the open, sitting in my corn pad. Out in the open, sitting in my corn pad.
I'm in the open. I'm in the open.
I'm in the open.
You have a little ditty called The Gal from Arkansas, and me and Fat Valley, I
want to tell you this, good people, me and Fat Valley, we really appreciate it
being here with you. I'm going to tell you that. Okay, let's hear it for Big
Jaws about it. Let's hear it now, people.
Well, will you give us four in, then, Fat Valley? Okay, are we ready?
Four.
She was a big fat, welcome on the map, true blue southern gal.
Met her down in Arkansas, never saw the gal before, but seemed to be a real good
pal. She grew up in Scotland, her sister from Seattle, she used to do it as
well. She was a big fat, what do you think of that?
Up, down, down, down, bell.
She was huge, tall, really on the ball, great people of his day.
Traveled with the rodeo, worked in the stripper's zone, no two shows the same.
I'll show a cat a pair, she can drop her underwear, everybody's got it, you can
tell. She was a huge, tall, no -clothes, tall, up, down, down, down, bell.
You're too fine, cry one of mine, we're rattling bitches here.
We'll be right back.
We'd like to thank Alfredo, New World, and Tina Charles for being on the show.
We'd also like to thank, for not being on the show, Harold Wilson, Anthony
Barber, and Mrs. Gunge of Bunge Street Fence.
Who is in bed with a nasty case of Mr.
Gunge of Bunge Street Fence.
Get well soon, Gladys.
Sir Lawrence Olivier is appearing in No, No, Nanette at the Trellis Theatre,
Totnes. Nanette is appearing in No No Sir Lawrence Olivier, the Globe Theatre
Gotham.
Next week, next week we'll interview Boris Goodenough, Boris Not Quite
Goodenough, and Boris Absolutely Useless.
So, it's goodnight from me.
And it's goodnight from him.
Goodnight. Goodnight.