Good evening. Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie?
Lovely, lovely, yes. And first, the thing that's on everybody's mind this
Saturday night.
No, no, not that.
The census.
The first results of this fully confidential inquiry are beginning to
through.
34 % have parents born in Chantelieu.
17 % asked what they did on cold winter evenings, wrote, wrap up.
And 28 % live in houses called Get Knotted.
At tonight's banquet for midgets,
a rousing reception was given when a trolley was
wheeled in and the president's wife birthed out of an iced doughnut.
And now, here is tonight's football.
And now the medical news.
A man was taken to a nursing home today after being found wandering in the
street dressed only in a codpiece.
He said, I find a bit of haddock more fashionable, but the fishmonger had run
out.
Earlier this morning, a man was beaten up outside a Harley Street
consulting rooms.
Police wish to interview four men or two schizophrenics.
A painter and decorator was taken to Wandsworth Police Station today.
Later, a man was said to be helping the police with their wallpapering.
Here is the result of the by -election in Matagoolieland.
Mr. Odingo -Obingo, conservative, three nuns.
Mrs. Odingo -Obingo, Women's Liberation Front, no nun.
Chief. Sorry. No, I think you were right second time.
Chief?
Burst out of a nice doughnut.
Chief Bongo O'Dongo, Welsh nationalist, 4 ,000 nuts, three strings of beads, two
shrunken heads and a partridge in a pear tree.
The Reverend Simon Thisby, Christian conversions of cannibals party, two
of grace, one pound of carrots and a pinch of salt.
Chief Yum -Yum, cannibal party. 3 ,000 nuts, two pygmies, and the Reverend
Thisby.
Spoiled nuts, one.
Spoiled candidates, four.
And a bull elephant lost his deposit.
Now it's time, once again, to consider the state of the party.
What did you say?
I just said hello.
And what else did you say besides hello?
No, I didn't say anything else. I just said hello.
I see. Not hello, you boring old git. Who the hell invited you?
I didn't say that.
I see.
Perhaps it was more in the lines of hello, you great, ugly, fat, mealy
sadist. I wish you were dead.
No, I just said hello. I was standing over there, as a matter of fact. I saw
that nobody was talking to you over here, so I popped over, you know, just
say hello.
I never did.
What? Well, you implied that Dorothy and I were having a relationship.
What? Just now, all that stuff about the car not being in the garage. I never
said anything about the car.
No, but you implied it, didn't you?
All right, then. Hello.
Yes, but look at the way you said it.
What? Well, like the car wasn't in the garage and he left the light on in the
study to make his wife think he was working late. Don't wait.
No, it's not even founded like that. It wasn't meant to. It was just meant to
sound like, you know, hello, how are you? Oh, I see.
Hello, how are you going to explain the hot pants in the glove compartment?
Why did you give the vicar a drive on Sunday?
No, no, it was just a friendly hello, honestly.
Listen, Sonny.
If you go around talking to people just the way you've talked to me, I'm not
surprised you haven't got any friends.
I've got lots of friends. Oh, yes, but they've all walked out on you, haven't
they? Left you to come over and heap abuse on me.
No, no, honestly, it was just a friendly hello.
Anyway, how was I to know the gun was loaded?
What? The gun we were just talking about.
Which gun? I mean, I didn't want to use it.
I didn't want it at all. It was Dorothy. It was Dorothy. I wanted to throw it
away. It was Dorothy who wanted to look down the barrel to see how fast the
bullets came out.
I just said hello, honestly. I tried to stop her. I tried to stop her, but I
couldn't. Before I could, she grabbed the gun, shot herself, leapt out of the
car and buried herself under the floorboards in my flat in Kensington.
I only came over here to start a little conversation. Anyway, I was miles away.
I was in Frankfurt.
No, I was in Istanbul.
I was in Istanbul, in a cellar, chained up, all by myself.
Apart from witnesses, of course. Oh, I had loads of witnesses.
They were all Turks. They can't speak a word of English. Oh, but they can write
English. So if you wrote to them, they would testify.
Unless they're all dead, of course. Yes, I think probably they're all dead by
now, yes.
I seem to remember reading in tomorrow's paper that they are all dead.
Great pity.
You've got to believe me. You've got to believe me.
I only came over here just to say a personal hello.
I didn't want to do it, but it was Dorothy.
She went on about the divorce and the gambling and the money and the rug
Oh, God.
Bloody fool, I admit it, I admit it.
I only wanted to say a perfectly normal hello.
You'll never take me alive.
No, you can't have a decent conversation with anyone nowadays, can you?
Hello?
Let my love for you grow strong as long as we're together.
Who cares about the weather? Listen to the falling rain, listen to it fall.
And with every drop of rain, I can hear you call.
Call my name right out loud.
I can hear above the clouds.
And to hear among the puddles, you and I together.
Listen to the rain
Listen to the falling rain, listen to it fall.
And with every drop of rain I can hear you call.
Listen to the rain Listen to the pouring rain Listen to the rain
Listen to the
Good evening to you.
Well, it was a pretty rough night, as you know.
Most areas suffer from a heavy belt of rain across the country, or in my case,
heavy belt across the eye.
This came from the southwest and brought with it strong winds.
Mine came from the wife and brought with it strong language.
and a cup of scalding tea down the shirt front.
This quickly spread to most areas and caused a sharp rise in temperature,
especially in the south.
A deep depression settled over 22 Kingsbury Avenue is unlikely to lift
tomorrow morning at the earliest, and the warm front I was expecting tonight
now too much to hope for.
If we look at the next chart, we can see the cause of all the trouble.
Now, this, as you can see, came originally from France and
crossed the Channel a couple of days ago, arriving at Kingsbury Avenue about
time. It was fairly mild at first and only really showed itself last night
the wife was at bingo.
It all started from a ridge of high pressure across here.
centred round two points here and here.
They were undoubtedly the cause of a sharp rise in temperature, as you may
guess, eventually resulting in thunder and lightning, the like of which I
personally haven't experienced in a long time.
It was fairly short -lived, however, as bingo finished early, bringing with it a
small tornado with a rolling pin.
South cones were quickly hoisted.
Not quite quickly enough, unfortunately, and the ridge of high pressure
disappeared rapidly down Kingsbury Avenue in the direction of London
Well, there it is, then. The outlook for tomorrow, dull, lifeless, very little
sunshine, and certainly the unlikelihood of a decent cup of tea.
Good night.
You may remember, dear reader, that I was about to make my debut on the London
stage in the title role of William McMaster's latest production.
You can imagine how nervous and excited I was as the curtain rose.
You are determined to go through with this, are you, your ladyship?
Yes, Lord Godiva, I am.
I shall be there for all the world to see.
And that shines a good bead in a naughty world.
And if you wish things to shine even better, use monkey brand household soap.
We'll be available at the stage door after the performance. I see.
Very well, then. So be it.
And now, to meet me lover in secret.
What's up, Margaret?
Oh!
How I'd long to look into your eyes again.
Yes, I also, my dear. But what have you there?
It's my banjo. I always carry it with me wherever permitting, you know.
Perhaps you would like me to play you something?
Indeed, it would be a great privilege and honor to hear that little ballad
entitled, Which Way Up Is a Billion Ball?
Fortunately, I am familiar with it.
So too is the orchestra.
I have a most inquiring mind inside my beauty head.
I've read encyclopedias from A right through to Z, but there are still some
questions which always fuzzle me.
So let me put them to you and see if you agree.
Which way up is a billiard ball? How many sides the jug?
How high is the chair my Wendy's standing on the rug?
How do you wear the corkscrew? How long is four foot wide?
Which way up is a billiard ball when it's lying on its side?
And the audience seemed to appreciate it, judging from the many presents
of fruit and money showered upon us during the performance.
At last it was time to take our final bow.
And I must confess I did not expect to receive such an ovation.
Who is it?
It's I, my dear. May I be afforded it, please? Oh, come in, McMaster.
What a reception.
What a performance, Mrs.
McMaster.
You were superb.
The audience laid its heart at your feet.
Not to mention the turn and fix I picked up off the stage after Kirkland fell.
Oops.
I just think that if you hate me so, it only caused me actual injury.
Oh? Yes, indeed.
On with the ring.
You are a caution, really. I'm just saying, why don't we all get an attack,
down to Leicester Square and have some supper? An excellent notion, my dear.
As for you, my dear little Henrietta, you are exquisite.
The stage door is crammed with admirers. You'll be the toast of London, me
little Godiva.
Was she not exquisite, madam?
Oh, she certainly showed some form.
Quite, quite, quite.
Don't change a thing, my dear. If you perform tomorrow as you perform tonight,
our fortune's made.
Oh, it's so kind of you to say so, Mr McMaster. But just one occurrence did
spoil what was, in all other respects, the truly perfect evening. Oh?
Yes, my wig.
We must... Make sure it never comes off again, whatever happens. Oh, of course.
Quite, quite, quite, my little dear. Of course. Eh, Mrs. McMaster?
Indeed. Oh, indeed. Just you leave it to us, dear. Yes.
But sad to say, dear Eda, however much care I took, night after night, some
accident or other occurred, which resulted in me losing my wretched will.
And there was money in my purse.
And yet somehow, something was missing.
And one evening, after the performance, I was to find out what it was.
Letter for you, my dear, came by hand.
Delivered by a tall lady with a very large carriage and pair.
Thank you.
It was an anonymous letter. And what is more, it was from someone I didn't even
know. But as I read it, I realised... Here was the answer to the emptiness
inside me.
Now at last I could be of some good to my fellow man.
The letter pointed out how uselessly I had hitherto employed my time and how
much more rewarding work was waiting to be done on those far -off shores.
My mind was made up.
I would travel to Dover tonight and be ready to leave first thing in the
morning.
I scribbled a note to my fellow thespians and left quietly without
goodbye.
Gone to the Crimea to be a nurse?
Good luck with the rest of the run.
Yours, Henrietta.
I only hope that they forgave me, and that they found someone else to play
Godiva.
I set sail for the Crimea, and in three short weeks, I found myself in a base
hospital only a few miles behind the lines.
I must say that the conditions were truly appalling.
Not enough light, not enough air, and not enough beds.
Does it hurt?
No. Not even a little bit?
No, not even a little bit.
Belongs to him down there. Did it, Charlie?
Here, ma 'am.
Corporal Clark. What's this all, ma 'am?
How do you do, Corporal? I've come to help relieve these poor creatures of
suffering. Oh.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, yes.
There's a screen over there, ma 'am. You can get your clothes off and start
straight away.
Good. I gather you have a uniform for me, then.
Ah. Uniform.
Ah. Oh, I see.
You've come as a nurse, have you? Yes.
Oh, well, my mistake, ma 'am, yes.
Disregard my remarks regarding the screen.
As you will, ma 'am. Yeah.
Pity. I beg your pardon? It's a pity that Captain Featherstone ain't here,
see. I am, I am here, Clark.
Oh. You can go now.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, can't you be left noisy, man, those damn boots?
What happened to those rubber soles we ordered from the stores?
Uh, you ate them last week, sir. Oh, so I did. Rather delicious, they were, too.
The unsight better than that roast crutch we had last Sunday.
Thank you very much. How do you do, Dr. Pettit?
I'm Henrietta Beckett. Yes, I know. Thank God you arrived, Miss Beckett.
Because the men, the men are in a pretty sorry state.
Yes, I can see that only too well.
Is it malaria?
No, indigestion.
Oh, God, it's a pretty atrocious cook. That's why I'm glad you're here. It's
about time the men had something, you know, decent to eat.
I take it. I take it you can cook.
Well, I'll do my best.
Depends what supplies are available.
Practically none.
All the men have had for the last few days is a handful of rice.
Great heaven!
But why?
We ran out of plates.
birds suddenly appear every time
you are near and just like
me they long to be close to you
why do stars fall down
...to you.
On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided...
Belong to me, close to you.
On the day that you will follow me, angels got together and decided...
Gina Charles, lovely.
How are you all tonight? All right?
Are you?
Yes? Are you all right?
Oh, lovely, yes. I'm feeling very good tonight, actually. I thought you'd like
that. I'm feeling, you know, sort of on top of my phone tonight. I don't know
why. It's just one of these times, you know, when I feel I could, you know,
an audience laugh or cry or have an early night.
So I could, you know, honestly, I could sit here.
Well, I could sit over there, actually.
But I rather prefer sitting here, because when I'm sitting here, I'm
the audience and that camera, you see? If I was sitting over there, I'd be
talking to two stagehands and a firebucket.
I could sit here. I was just stretching my legs there.
Did you see that?
Stretching my legs.
Left it a bit late in life, haven't I, really?
I could sit here. I could sit here if you want, pathos.
And I could tell you all about my childhood, how I was found on a
Well, not really on the doorstep, because the door opened outwards. I was
halfway across the road.
Pinned to my little coat was a note which said, Keep your head down, the
opens outwards. Signed, Mummy.
Or I could tell you about how up to the age of four, my only playthings were a
corned beef sandwich and a picture of Nellie Wallace.
You're going there, didn't I?
Don't hold back the tears. You could get a hernia.
A corned beef sandwich, corned beef sandwich and a photo of Nellie Wallace.
Oh, I love that. You know, to this day, every time I go on the stage, I take it
out and have a quick look at it to remind me of what the business is all
I don't know what happened to the picture of Nellie Wallace.
I could have prevailed upon.
I could have... prevailed upon, preferably.
If you'd like me to be prevailed, I'll try that, but I prefer to be prevailed.
could be prevailed upon to recount a rather amusing anecdote that occurred to
after a party at my agent's last week.
He has this little do once a year to celebrate the invention of money.
Actually, it's more like one of the family. Well, I'll let you know that on
wife's birthday last week, he sold her a lovely card.
His parties. His parties are always a little bit of a disaster. He said, do it
yourself, Majesty.
And we got there at nine o 'clock in the evening and he was still in the bath,
treading his grapes.
Not a pretty sight.
Then he lost the key of the sardines.
Lost the key of the sardines and we had to put the tin in the road and let
somebody back over it.
Again, not a pretty sight.
But it was a very, very quiet evening. In fact, it got so quiet that the phone
rang and a chap with a weak heart had to be taken home.
I don't really think he had a weak heart, you know, but he had been there
seven o 'clock and he'd lost the will to live.
Thank you very much. I needed that. Anyway, on our way home, and this is the
really exciting bit, we were waiting at Paddington Station for a train, not
unnaturally, and this train pulled in, and a chap jumped out of the train nude,
absolutely no clothes on, barefoot to the chin.
And I thought at first he was wearing a blue body stocking, because it was
rather a cold night.
Station staff... as you can imagine, were all taken rather aback. Goodness
gracious, they cried, bless my soul, and will you marry me?
Other well -known British railway expressions.
Then the stationmaster came up and said, you can't walk about the station with
no clothes on. Would you like to borrow my top hat?
He said, how does it come that you got off this train with no clothes on? He
said, I can't, you know, let this... Carry on, I have to do something about
How come you got off the train?
He said, well, as a matter of fact, he said, he said, I was at a party in the
country and the hostess asked us all to take our clothes off. And after we'd
taken our clothes off, she said, let's all go to town.
And I seem to be the first to have arrived.
Yes, certainly.
Thank you very much.
Next, please.
Ah, good morning, Mr... Partridge. Partridge, yes. Would you come and sit
Thank you.
What seems to be the trouble, Mr. Partridge? Well, Doctor...
I keep getting noises in my stomach.
Noises? Yeah.
Oh, yes, there I see you are. Yes. Yes, good of me. It can be very embarrassing,
you know.
Well, Mr Partridge, I think you're suffering from sound effects.
Oh? Yes.
That was the end of the shipping forecast.
Now it's quarter to seven.
Yes, Mr Partridge?
I'm afraid you've caught Radio 4.
Oh.
Is that bad?
Bad? Have you heard it? It's terrible.
We've heard about the games from our reporter, Tiddlypop.
You've had it some time, then?
Have you got a transmitting licence for that, Simon? No.
I should get one pretty quickly, otherwise it'll be declared illegal.
Now, look, I would like you... Wait a minute. I'd like you to take that, if
would, weekly. What are you giving me? The Radio Times.
Will that cure it? No, but it'll help you to know what's on.
Well, I'd better be off, then. Thank you very much, Mr Bartridge.
Mr Bartridge!
Could you come back and see me next Thursday afternoon about three o 'clock?
Why? There's rather a good play on. I wouldn't mind hearing.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, the sketch is over. No, no, this is an emergency, Doctor. I'm
suffering from television.
Goodness me. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. George
Schleck.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to show you how can I make a
personality with a handkerchief.
This is very easy. If you watch it very carefully, you can do it yourself at
home. I take one corner from the left to the right, and one from the right to
the left.
Like this.
This corner I take over here, and I think it's ready.
Oh, no.
For the ears, I take a little elastic, caoutchouc.
The mouth, I take a page of my rose.
Again.
And now he can talk.
Are you happy?
What? What's the matter?
I can't see.
Oh, you can't see?
Yes. The eyes?
Yes. Oh, I forgot it. I'm sorry. I take a button off my wrist.
I'm gone.
What? Again. Again. Oh, good.
All right?
No.
What's the matter?
I have crossed eyes.
Oh, sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
Are you all right? Yes.
What's your name?
Thank you.
Very nice.
You like it? Yes.
It's very nice.
Thank you. You speak English?
Yes. You do? Yes. How much?
I don't know.
Very nice.
No. I think you are a girl.
No. A boy. No. You are something.
Yes. What?
Nothing. No.
You are a rabbit.
A rabbit? Yes.
Thank you.
Ah. Now what do you want?
Carrot. What do you want?
Carrot. I don't have any carrot.
Lady. Huh?
You speak Italian?
Say something in Italian.
No.
I don't have any carrots.
What?
Thank you very much.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to show you the singing frog, Johnny
Quakello. No!
What did you say? I said no.
Why? Strike.
Strike? Now you have to come out. I said no.
Now what should I do? Go home.
No!
No, no, strike, strike, strike.
Strike, strike, strike.
You speak English.
Do you speak English?
Jawohl.
He's a kraut.
Now, what did you say?
He's a kraut.
What's the matter? Mosquito.
What? Mosquito.
Not any flies.
Mosquito. I don't like to hear anymore this, what, mosquito.
What?
You speak Spanish? Say something in Spanish.
Do you speak Spanish? It means, do you speak Spanish?
Please.
Close the door. All right.
You go in the case, and I take the guitar, and then we sing. Yes. You
understand? Okay.
Just wait a minute. It's very difficult.
Are you ready?
Yes. Good.
Okay. You are ready?
Yes. You are ready? Oh, yes. Okay. What do we sing? Alouette.
Alouette.
Okay.
Alouette, je te plumerai.
C 'est toi?
Allo?
Alouette, je te plumerai.
Je te plumerai la tête. Je te plumerai la tête.
Ah, again?
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go roaming in the gloaming on the
bonny banks of Clyde with those two irrepressible Scottish songbirds, Moira
McKellar and Kenneth Anderson.
Good evening, and hello, everyone.
Well, once again, Moira and I are back together with you all, by your own five
sides there.
After our last appearance together, Moira and I had thousands of letters
Scottish folk all over the world, and three of them actually had stamps on
In response to these wonderful letters, Moira and I are now making our final
appearance together, so let me introduce her now, if I might.
That... Beautiful lump of Dundee cake.
Moira.
Good evening, everyone, and hello, Cam.
Oh, Moira, I must say, you're looking...
Awfully bonny tonight.
You look smart in your wee kilt yourself.
Well, as a matter of fact, I've got a wee song about that later on.
But why don't we now, Moira, just simply introduce ourselves in song.
We're not healthy and dorid. Or Markham and Wise.
We're not Jewel and Warris. Or Nina in disguise.
And we're not John and Yoko.
And we're not Bill and Ben.
And we're not Dave Dozie, Beaky McIntitch. We're Moira and Ben.
I have never met a buddy coming through the rye.
I cannot see anybody for it grows too high.
That's the place to take a laughy.
Where it's warm and dry.
And many a girl's looked up to me whilst hidden in the rye.
Oh, I went out with a boy one night who I thought that I could trust.
But as we walked home, he said with a groan, I must kiss your lips or bust.
And what did you say? And what did you do to preserve your mainly bows?
I said, we'll make it the lips tonight because I'm wearing a high neck blouse.
through train to air.
Curse in my pocket and plenty to spare.
Wearing a school cap and traveling half fair.
I love my height. It suits me.
In spite of those big brawny lads all around.
The ladies adore me. At least so I've found.
Cause I've got a sporran that's nearer the ground.
Oh, I love my height. It suits
to Mari in the pub. Swill the scotch and eat the grub. She's in the white
heather club.
Time for Mari's wedding.
Now the fitness ready, let us all begin.
Do a step it out and step with it. And the gardens are coming, so we'll have
budget. And it's here to Jimmy Logan.
I walked in my kilt by the helmet, by the glide. It tickled me pink, I laughed
till I died. I told you to wear your sporran outside.
There are no flies on me. I see that.
That's it from Moira and I once again. It's been a great pleasure for us to
to you at your own firesides, I must say. And I always do like to get my
into the good old boisterous ones.
And that includes Moira as well.
So, time then, simply for goodnight from Moira and I. Yes, we'd like to leave
you now with our old favourite, Scotland the Brave.
Come! Where the tooths are tapping, come.
Where the hands are clapping, come.
Where the jobs are strapping down in the bed, come. Come, set aside your
labours, come. Where their old good neighbours come. Where they've tossed
cabers posting again.
And what a join of groups, that's where we sow our roots. That is the life that
the Scots all seem to crave.
Land of the clement weather, land of the prickly heather, so keep your knees
together.
So it's goodnight from me, Moira, and it's goodnight from me, Ken.
That's all for tonight. Next week we will consider exit signs. Are they on
way out?
And Britain's most inefficient doctor will be having a quiet word up your
And now a late newsflash.
Owing to bad traffic conditions, Queen's Park Rangers have not yet arrived at
the ground for their match against Bristol City. The score at the moment is
Bristol City 496.
It's goodnight from me, and it's goodnight from him.
Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.