1 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,580 Good evening. Good evening. It's very nice to be with you again, isn't it, 2 00:00:28,580 --> 00:00:29,580 Ronnie? Lovely, lovely. 3 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,800 We've got some very interesting people on the show tonight. We've got Chas 4 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,000 Chase, The New World, Tina Charles. 5 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:39,040 We had hoped to have a team of Eskimo dancers on the show, but at the last 6 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,040 moment they got cold feet. 7 00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:48,000 We'll be interviewing the only remaining handsome cab driver in London and 8 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,920 asking, why are all the others so ugly? 9 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,520 And we should be speaking to a man who's lived for 60 years on nothing but 10 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:55,520 carrots and oysters. 11 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:59,080 The carrots give him the ability to see in the dark, and the oysters give him 12 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,080 the ability. 13 00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:08,300 We must apologize for a fault in today's farming program, Compost for Beginners. 14 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:13,220 Vision and sound both failed, and the program continued in smell only. 15 00:01:14,780 --> 00:01:16,660 And now, some news of programme changes. 16 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,460 Due to the party political broadcast, last week's edition of This Week will be 17 00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:23,620 repeated tonight, replacing tonight's edition of Today, which was shown 18 00:01:23,620 --> 00:01:24,620 yesterday. 19 00:01:24,740 --> 00:01:27,780 This means that tonight, Tomorrow's World will be shown in place of all our 20 00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:30,960 yesterdays, the nine o 'clock news will be at a quarter past eleven, and the 21 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,620 midnight movie High Noon is replaced by Breakfast at Tiffany's. 22 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:38,200 And the morning story will be read by Robin Day later in the afternoon, just 23 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,200 after a book at bedtime. 24 00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:43,360 If any of you find this at all confusing, please write to the BBC and 25 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,600 forward an informative pamphlet entitled How to Knit. 26 00:01:47,020 --> 00:01:53,060 Thieves broke into the National Fish Museum today and stole 17 stuffed trout 27 00:01:53,060 --> 00:01:53,798 a chub. 28 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:57,900 Police arrested a man four foot two tall but threw him back as he was too small. 29 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:04,360 A man who got away was said to be 23 feet tall and weighing 726 pounds. 30 00:02:05,780 --> 00:02:09,240 Now it's time once again to consider the state of the party. 31 00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:28,120 It's a very nice party. 32 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,440 Oh, thank you, Robert. 33 00:02:30,460 --> 00:02:34,640 I wonder if I might use your bathroom. 34 00:02:35,430 --> 00:02:36,429 Yes, certainly. 35 00:02:36,430 --> 00:02:39,610 It's up the stairs, first on the right and the last on the left. Thank you very 36 00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:41,790 much. I say, it's a funny time to be having a bath, isn't it? 37 00:02:42,650 --> 00:02:43,650 Wouldn't you prefer a drink? 38 00:02:43,990 --> 00:02:47,770 No, I'm not going to have a bath. Oh, I see. Well, there's nothing else much you 39 00:02:47,770 --> 00:02:49,770 can do in there. There's just a bath in there, you know. 40 00:02:50,850 --> 00:02:51,789 Just a bath? 41 00:02:51,790 --> 00:02:52,790 Yes. 42 00:02:54,430 --> 00:02:56,910 No, um, no other things? 43 00:02:57,530 --> 00:02:58,530 No. 44 00:02:59,070 --> 00:03:00,070 Oh. 45 00:03:00,550 --> 00:03:04,470 Only I, you know, I rather wanted to, you know... 46 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,630 See a man about a dog. 47 00:03:08,670 --> 00:03:10,490 Well, old Griffith over there, he's a vet. 48 00:03:13,030 --> 00:03:14,890 No, not a real dog. Oh, I see. 49 00:03:15,490 --> 00:03:21,950 No, I just wanted to sort of, you know, wash my hands and generally, 50 00:03:22,210 --> 00:03:23,210 you know, go upstairs. 51 00:03:23,690 --> 00:03:26,190 Oh, well, there's no need to go upstairs. You can wash them in the 52 00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:29,670 No, I hardly think that would be right, surely. 53 00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,770 No, I wanted to use the smallest room. 54 00:03:35,270 --> 00:03:39,190 Yes, well, that would be Camilla's bedroom, but she's asleep at the moment. 55 00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:42,070 There is a little brush cupboard under the stairs, if you like. 56 00:03:44,050 --> 00:03:49,110 No, you don't seem to understand what I mean. If I said I wanted to inspect the 57 00:03:49,110 --> 00:03:51,310 plumbing, would you understand what I mean? 58 00:03:51,550 --> 00:03:53,470 Yes. Well, that's what I want to do. 59 00:03:54,090 --> 00:03:56,470 I want to inspect the plumbing. 60 00:03:56,750 --> 00:03:57,970 But you'd get filthy, Elder. 61 00:03:59,770 --> 00:04:02,210 No, you don't. I'm going to be absolutely frank with you. 62 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,640 I want to do ones. 63 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:16,720 Ones? 64 00:04:18,820 --> 00:04:19,820 Yes, ones. 65 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:22,600 Ones what? 66 00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:26,020 What do you mean, ones what? 67 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:28,800 Ones ones. 68 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,000 Ones number ones. 69 00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,160 I want to do number ones. 70 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,180 I want to be excused. I want to spend a penny. 71 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,180 I want to go to the lavatory. 72 00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:44,140 Yes, I want to go to the lavatory. 73 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:47,800 Well, why didn't you say so? 74 00:04:48,540 --> 00:04:52,400 Julia, Robert wants to go and sit on the doughnut in Granny's greenhouse. 75 00:05:03,950 --> 00:05:09,890 The honey wind blows and the warm days 76 00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:11,210 dwindle. 77 00:05:11,970 --> 00:05:18,430 The butterfly spins a silk cocoon on a silvery 78 00:05:18,430 --> 00:05:19,430 spindle. 79 00:05:20,870 --> 00:05:27,490 The petals fall from the last day. 80 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:46,320 The petals fall and the summer goes. 81 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:54,140 The summer goes and the honey wind 82 00:05:54,140 --> 00:05:55,140 blows. 83 00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:09,400 And now let's sing it. 84 00:06:10,060 --> 00:06:16,740 But the world and I have grown just that little bit old. I sit alone 85 00:06:16,740 --> 00:06:21,720 and the summer goes. 86 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,320 And the honeymoon blows. 87 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:38,220 The honeymoon blows and the days... 88 00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:47,200 and somehow the world and i have grown just a little bit 89 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:59,340 Only this morning we had a very big argument with the kiddies about staying 90 00:07:59,340 --> 00:08:00,340 late to watch Daddy. 91 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,360 They wanted to go to bed. 92 00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:10,480 I know my wife will be watching, you know, if only to check on where I get to 93 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:11,480 Saturday nights. 94 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:16,180 I don't know why they lock these pianos, you know. 95 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,560 Something about ivory poachers. 96 00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,400 Oh, here's the key under the mat. 97 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,240 Open it up. 98 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,419 Goodness me. 99 00:08:27,420 --> 00:08:30,360 By the look of these keys, the elephant must have smoked himself to death. 100 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,679 I... Oh, dear. 101 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:39,740 Oh, the sound can't get out. 102 00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:42,820 It needs 103 00:08:42,820 --> 00:08:49,820 a tune as well. 104 00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,220 That was supposed to be tea for two. 105 00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:56,660 Actually, why I wanted the piano here tonight was not so much to play it, 106 00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:01,140 although a quick arpeggio would never hurt anyone, but have you ever thought 107 00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:05,020 that if Logie Baird hadn't invented television, we could all be out enjoying 108 00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:06,020 ourselves? 109 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,140 I could actually be sitting here all night, you know. I may have to. I've got 110 00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:11,240 one foot caught under the pedals. 111 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:19,320 I was going to relate an incident years ago when I played the piano in a public 112 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:20,740 house. I did, honestly, you know. 113 00:09:21,050 --> 00:09:23,810 It's incredible, really, isn't it, when you see me sitting here in a Harley 114 00:09:23,810 --> 00:09:25,190 Street sweater and alligator socks. 115 00:09:26,570 --> 00:09:28,850 And it's not easy getting the socks off an alligator. 116 00:09:29,650 --> 00:09:33,870 Yes, I used to play the piano in a pub, you know, just sort of background music. 117 00:09:40,050 --> 00:09:43,790 I used to get 30 bob off the public and just sit at the piano for a couple of 118 00:09:43,790 --> 00:09:46,310 hours, or two quid off the customers to sit somewhere else. 119 00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:49,650 Not much money by today's standards. 120 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:51,880 Wasn't a hell of a lot then, either. 121 00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:55,940 But they were hard times, very hard times. You know, I used to lie awake at 122 00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:58,360 night, making plans to ambush meals on wheels. 123 00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:05,220 I remember I broke my glasses. 124 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,880 Broke the glasses, the lens was completely smashed, and I couldn't 125 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,540 replace it, so I had it boarded up. 126 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,680 I was two years squinting through a knot hole. 127 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,950 Now, you've got to believe... You've got to believe all this, or what is coming 128 00:10:20,950 --> 00:10:21,950 will seem ridiculous. 129 00:10:22,730 --> 00:10:27,550 So anyway, this particular night, just before closing time, it was a Saturday, 130 00:10:27,730 --> 00:10:29,610 and all the customers were singing away. 131 00:10:29,910 --> 00:10:31,810 They were singing Verdi's Requiem Mass. 132 00:10:33,330 --> 00:10:34,910 That's how I remember it was a Saturday. 133 00:10:35,550 --> 00:10:37,270 God, they were a wild bunch. 134 00:10:37,510 --> 00:10:39,110 And I was playing. 135 00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:50,280 And suddenly, This man shouted out, that piano playing is terrible, he said. 136 00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:52,700 I've got an old cat at home that can play better than that. 137 00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,440 Well, it all went quiet. 138 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:56,580 Not as quiet as this. 139 00:10:58,460 --> 00:10:59,460 But quiet. 140 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:04,540 And my mother, my mother, who had been sitting quietly in the corner, taking 141 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:05,540 back off a fruit machine, 142 00:11:05,780 --> 00:11:13,220 jumped 143 00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:14,220 to her foot. 144 00:11:18,540 --> 00:11:19,920 Did I tell you she had a wooden leg? 145 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:22,500 Jumped to her foot. 146 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,960 I knew it was her. I knew it was her. I could see her through the knot hole. 147 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,760 She said, sir, what's your name? 148 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:30,320 McHugh, said he. 149 00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:32,560 McHugh. He was Irish by extraction. 150 00:11:33,940 --> 00:11:35,420 He once had a tooth out in Dublin. 151 00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:39,140 He said, sir, are you out of your mind or have you been drinking the bitter? 152 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:43,060 He said, I'll show you. So he goes out and he comes back with this old moggy 153 00:11:43,060 --> 00:11:46,560 cat. The cat jumps on the piano stool and the man puts a piece of music on the 154 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:49,860 stand. And he said to the public, now this is a little bit he wrote himself, 155 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:50,960 just listen to this. 156 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,020 And the cat sat there and started to play. 157 00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:56,600 Now, it wasn't a brilliant pianist, I'm not going to pretend it was for a 158 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:57,600 minute. 159 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:02,280 Quite a nice touch, but couldn't quite reach the pedal to the back. 160 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:08,240 Anyway, finished the piece, finished the piece, and the publican said, do you 161 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,700 mean to tell me that old cat wrote that music? He said, that's marvellous, he 162 00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:14,700 said. Why don't you get it orchestrated? 163 00:12:15,130 --> 00:12:17,470 Well, the cat jumped off that stool and was out of the door. 164 00:12:46,220 --> 00:12:51,980 You may recall, dear patient reader, how in the previous chapter I related my 165 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,440 adventures in the Crimean War. 166 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:59,420 After the garrison had been evacuated, I had attempted to return to England, 167 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:05,920 but, sad to say, had not sufficient money to complete my journey and had 168 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,400 in Paris penniless. 169 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:13,580 But fate was once again to place its gentle finger upon me in the person of a 170 00:13:13,580 --> 00:13:14,580 well -known painter. 171 00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:16,200 one to lose Lautrec. 172 00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:19,940 Bonjour, mademoiselle. 173 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,200 Good day, sir. 174 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:22,260 May I join you? 175 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,800 Oh, I would indeed be honored. 176 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,400 Wonderful. Thank you very much. You're very kind. 177 00:13:26,620 --> 00:13:28,480 Pierre, some coffee, please. 178 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:29,760 Oui, monsieur. 179 00:13:36,940 --> 00:13:37,940 Angelique. 180 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,080 Even you have your uses. 181 00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:49,020 Are you not Monsieur Lautrec? 182 00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:52,580 I trust you do not object to my forwardness? 183 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,120 No, I am just looking at it. It is very beautiful, my dear. 184 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,140 I am indeed, as you say, Toulouse -Lautrec. 185 00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:04,540 And you very well might be the girl I've been searching for for all these years. 186 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:12,100 I wonder, my dear, if you could lend me a hundred francs. Only I appear to be 187 00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,100 rather short. 188 00:14:13,180 --> 00:14:13,919 This week. 189 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,800 You appear to be rather short every week. 190 00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:19,660 You haven't paid the rent for three months. 191 00:14:19,980 --> 00:14:21,120 Rent? For that? 192 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:22,680 Oh! 193 00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:42,220 Ballon! 194 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,480 I did not understand the language. 195 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:53,900 But the argument soon blew over, and Monsieur Lautrec began again to persuade 196 00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:54,900 to model for him. 197 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:03,900 And thus it was that an hour later, I found myself accompanying him to his 198 00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:04,920 studio above the café. 199 00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:17,650 Monsieur Lautrec. 200 00:15:17,930 --> 00:15:19,790 Ah, let me... What's happened to your beard? 201 00:15:20,090 --> 00:15:21,090 I've taken it off. 202 00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:23,110 Entwistle British intelligence. 203 00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:27,170 Not a word, my dear. We might be overheard. Sufficient to say that I'm 204 00:15:27,170 --> 00:15:31,570 for some secret papers, and I have every reason to believe that Pierre, the cafe 205 00:15:31,570 --> 00:15:32,590 proprietor, has them. 206 00:15:33,150 --> 00:15:34,150 Yes, indeed. 207 00:15:34,170 --> 00:15:38,010 Now, I'm looking for a British girl, preferably British, who can pose as my 208 00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:39,090 model. Do you understand? 209 00:15:39,470 --> 00:15:42,150 And share with me my dirty, mucky secret. 210 00:15:42,430 --> 00:15:43,530 Oh, what secret? 211 00:15:43,830 --> 00:15:45,430 The fact that I can't paint for toffee. 212 00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:49,370 How do you manage to keep up the pretence of being a great painter? Well, 213 00:15:49,370 --> 00:15:52,310 rather a clever device, my dear, thought up by British intelligence. The 214 00:15:52,310 --> 00:15:56,810 paintings are drawn out back at HQ, and I fill in the colours according to a 215 00:15:56,810 --> 00:15:59,350 code. Each colour has a number. 216 00:16:00,310 --> 00:16:01,310 I'm sorry. 217 00:16:02,290 --> 00:16:05,650 Quick. He mustn't see you with your clothes on, dear. It'll look suspicious. 218 00:16:05,910 --> 00:16:07,290 Take them off. But there isn't time. 219 00:16:07,650 --> 00:16:08,730 Go behind the screen, my dear. 220 00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:11,490 Good day, Christopher. 221 00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:13,030 Come in, monsieur. 222 00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:14,370 Come in. Don't forget your beard. 223 00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:27,610 Well, uh... Oh, oh, there you are, 224 00:16:27,630 --> 00:16:29,290 monsieur. Are you just going out? 225 00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:33,710 No, I've just come back in. Oh, I've brought some supper for your little girl 226 00:16:33,710 --> 00:16:34,710 also. 227 00:16:34,970 --> 00:16:36,510 Where, where is she? 228 00:16:36,770 --> 00:16:38,850 As a matter of fact, she's undressing behind the screen. 229 00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:40,930 Oh, mademoiselle, supper is here. 230 00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:43,990 Make haste, or your noodles will get cold. 231 00:16:44,230 --> 00:16:45,230 Yes, 232 00:16:45,510 --> 00:16:47,190 yes, I insist you leave us alone. 233 00:16:47,470 --> 00:16:50,030 Oh, very well, monsieur. I will leave you with your little bedmate. 234 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,660 She is not my bedmate, Pierre. 235 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,880 She will have to be. There is only one bed. So I sleep on the floor. 236 00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:59,240 I myself would find that very hard. 237 00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,180 Oh, I could sleep on a clothesline. 238 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,280 Oh, that's a good idea. You could hang yourself up on your little hook. 239 00:17:06,599 --> 00:17:10,200 And so began my new career as a model for British intelligence. 240 00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:13,859 It seemed to be one long round of dressing and undressing. 241 00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:18,359 It was hard work, but it certainly achieved results. 242 00:17:19,589 --> 00:17:23,010 After three weeks, Mr. Entwistle's technique had improved enormously. 243 00:17:25,490 --> 00:17:30,490 But Pierre had begun to press his intentions upon me, especially when Mr. 244 00:17:30,570 --> 00:17:31,750 Entwistle was not present. 245 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:37,810 And on one occasion, completely overstepped the bounds of gentlemanly 246 00:17:53,830 --> 00:17:55,790 This was too much for Mr. Entwistle. 247 00:17:56,050 --> 00:17:57,490 His honour was at stake. 248 00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:18,770 The duel was arranged for the following morning at eight o 'clock. 249 00:18:57,419 --> 00:19:00,720 ... ... ... ... 250 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,120 so so 251 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,960 That was the last I was to see of Mr. Entwittle. 252 00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:32,580 The old gentleman recovered from his blow on the head, and he drove me back 253 00:20:32,580 --> 00:20:33,580 his country house. 254 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:38,320 He suggested that I stay for a bit, but I declined. 255 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,520 I had already resolved to set my sights once more on dear old England. 256 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:50,600 And so, the kind gentleman dispatched me forthwith to Dover, with an 257 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,280 introduction to a wealthy friend of his. 258 00:20:52,970 --> 00:20:54,470 who was in need of a housekeeper. 259 00:20:56,310 --> 00:20:56,850 What 260 00:20:56,850 --> 00:21:09,270 a 261 00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:13,910 feeling of dread suddenly overcame me. 262 00:21:15,030 --> 00:21:17,450 What sort of house had I come to? 263 00:21:49,719 --> 00:21:53,700 Welcome to Doomsday Call. 264 00:22:27,250 --> 00:22:34,130 You've been running, you've been rambling, and you don't know what to do. 265 00:22:34,590 --> 00:22:38,170 A holy way to stand. 266 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,400 It's this, uh, it's this blessed pain in my leg here, you see. 267 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:38,120 I've been getting these, uh, terrible throbbing pains just from being here 268 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:41,100 this. I mean, I was all right on a Saturday night, but I did a bit of 269 00:25:41,100 --> 00:25:44,040 the Sunday, and I just can't walk about at all now, you see. No, no, well, I've, 270 00:25:44,100 --> 00:25:47,140 I've discovered to see you. Oh, I know, and I appreciate it. I do appreciate it. 271 00:25:47,860 --> 00:25:50,740 Especially, uh, especially with all this flu going about at the moment. You must 272 00:25:50,740 --> 00:25:51,459 be awfully busy. 273 00:25:51,460 --> 00:25:53,360 No, no, I've come to see you about my arm. 274 00:25:53,700 --> 00:25:54,700 Oh, did you? Yes. 275 00:25:54,980 --> 00:25:56,380 Oh, I see. You came to see me. 276 00:25:56,620 --> 00:25:57,620 Yes. About your arm. 277 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,020 Yes. Oh, I see. Oh, yes. Well, uh... 278 00:26:02,890 --> 00:26:03,890 Why me? 279 00:26:04,150 --> 00:26:09,410 Well, because... I 280 00:26:09,410 --> 00:26:16,370 came to see 281 00:26:16,370 --> 00:26:17,990 you because you're a doctor. 282 00:26:19,230 --> 00:26:20,610 Oh, I'm the doctor? Yes. 283 00:26:20,810 --> 00:26:22,450 Oh, I see, I'm the doctor. 284 00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:26,530 Oh, I'm the doctor, am I? Oh, I see, I am the doctor. 285 00:26:26,750 --> 00:26:29,910 I am the doctor. Good morning, good morning, doctor. Oh, yes, I see what you 286 00:26:29,910 --> 00:26:31,290 mean, yes. I must be the doctor. 287 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,300 Hello, doctor here. Yes, it sounds very good. Yes. 288 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,120 Hello, nurse. 289 00:26:36,140 --> 00:26:37,780 Yes, doctor. Oh, yes, you're quite right. 290 00:26:37,980 --> 00:26:39,360 Oh, yes. 291 00:26:39,940 --> 00:26:40,980 No question of it. 292 00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:44,080 Now, which part of Spain did you want to go to? 293 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,460 No, I've come to... The lower half of Spain's awfully nice at this time of 294 00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:50,780 A bit crowded, but I'll see what I can do. 295 00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:54,180 Nurse, would you bring in the Torremolinos sunshine holiday brochures, 296 00:26:54,460 --> 00:26:55,460 You're a doctor. 297 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,060 Oh. Oh, we're not arranging people's holiday bookings at the moment? 298 00:26:59,260 --> 00:27:02,990 No. Oh, I'm awfully sorry. No, we can't accept any more holiday bookings just at 299 00:27:02,990 --> 00:27:03,629 the minute. 300 00:27:03,630 --> 00:27:06,790 No, I didn't come to see you about holiday bookings. Ah, theatre bookings, 301 00:27:06,790 --> 00:27:10,110 it? I can help you there. No, no, no. I come to see you about my arm, you see. 302 00:27:10,390 --> 00:27:12,390 I am a patient and you're a doctor. 303 00:27:12,610 --> 00:27:16,230 Oh, I'm the doctor. Oh, yes. I'll have to write that down in large letters. 304 00:27:16,570 --> 00:27:19,690 Yes. D -O -C -K -T -E -R. 305 00:27:19,970 --> 00:27:22,750 Doctor. Yes. Oh, yes. Yes, I see now. Yes, I've got it. 306 00:27:23,410 --> 00:27:25,210 Right. What can I do for you, Doctor? 307 00:27:26,430 --> 00:27:28,990 No, I'm not a doctor. Oh, you're not a doctor. 308 00:27:29,310 --> 00:27:31,910 Oh, dear, we're wasting each other's time here. I think I'll go then. 309 00:27:32,170 --> 00:27:34,110 No, no, I'm the chartered surveyor. 310 00:27:34,330 --> 00:27:36,850 Oh, you're the chartered surveyor. Oh, now we're getting somewhere. 311 00:27:37,650 --> 00:27:41,890 Right. Right. And last week, last week I broke my arm. Broke your arm, yes. It 312 00:27:41,890 --> 00:27:42,990 has been set in plaster. 313 00:27:43,190 --> 00:27:45,510 Set in plaster. But I think it's getting worse. I think it's getting worse. 314 00:27:45,690 --> 00:27:49,130 Causing me more pain. Causing me more pain. And I can't sleep at night. And 315 00:27:49,130 --> 00:27:50,890 can't sleep at night. What should I do? 316 00:27:53,410 --> 00:27:54,770 Well, I think you should see a doctor. 317 00:27:59,440 --> 00:27:59,879 a minute. 318 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:04,100 I'll be with you in a minute. I've got a couple of... Where are we? Oh, how is 319 00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:04,979 it, Mr. 320 00:28:04,980 --> 00:28:07,860 Jenkinson? They're a bit tight, I think, Doctor. Oh, are they? Right. 321 00:28:08,340 --> 00:28:11,240 I'll just... Just a minute. I've got something else in here. I'll have a look 322 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:11,839 for you. 323 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:12,840 Oh, yes. 324 00:28:13,380 --> 00:28:14,420 Try a pair of these. 325 00:28:14,820 --> 00:28:15,840 Try a pair of those. 326 00:28:16,140 --> 00:28:18,420 I think they're a bit more expensive, but they're awfully smart. 327 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:19,920 Thank you. Good night to you. 328 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,860 That's it. Now then, who's next? 329 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,860 Me. Oh, you, yes. Yes, yes. Well, what can I do for you? Well, this arm is 330 00:28:25,860 --> 00:28:30,600 getting increasingly more painful. All right, well, yes, come over here. 331 00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:33,840 Just lie down on the couch, take off your coat, and I'll have a look at your 332 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:34,840 trousers for you. 333 00:28:34,900 --> 00:28:35,739 That's it. 334 00:28:35,740 --> 00:28:40,580 A half a pound of jelly babies, please, Doctor. Oh, I'm afraid we're out of 335 00:28:40,580 --> 00:28:43,200 jelly babies, Mrs. B. We've only got mint humbugs at the minute. 336 00:28:43,500 --> 00:28:46,880 Oh, please. Fine, Doctor, I'll have them. All right, I think you'll be 337 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:47,880 with those. 338 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:53,120 That'll be... That'll be... Oh, I've made another pair there. 339 00:28:59,470 --> 00:29:02,510 That's a decent piece of paper. Put them down there. That'll be £8 .50. 340 00:29:02,850 --> 00:29:06,490 £8 .50? Yes. Eight and a half quid, as we used to say. There we go. 341 00:29:07,050 --> 00:29:08,050 Right. 342 00:29:08,590 --> 00:29:10,870 Thank you very much. Let's take a bit of that on there. 343 00:29:11,270 --> 00:29:12,730 A wee bandage. There we go. 344 00:29:13,290 --> 00:29:15,170 I don't think you can go far wrong in those. 345 00:29:15,650 --> 00:29:17,410 You'll have a go if you like. I mean, you can try. 346 00:29:18,570 --> 00:29:19,590 Thank you very much. 347 00:29:20,270 --> 00:29:21,270 I'll just... Thank you. 348 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:24,160 Right. Oh, and I've got those for you. 349 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,980 There's about 24 there, so they should last you through the winter. 350 00:29:27,180 --> 00:29:29,660 How many should I take, Doctor? Oh, no, you don't take them. No, they're extra 351 00:29:29,660 --> 00:29:30,840 fly buttons. You never know, do you? 352 00:29:33,420 --> 00:29:34,420 Right. 353 00:29:34,580 --> 00:29:36,160 Mind your head on the way out, won't you? 354 00:29:36,580 --> 00:29:41,020 Yes. Now, how's it getting on now? A quarter of licorice, all sorts. A 355 00:29:41,020 --> 00:29:42,700 of licorice, all sorts. Certainly, Mrs. B. 356 00:29:43,220 --> 00:29:44,980 I'll be glad to oblige you at any time. 357 00:29:45,260 --> 00:29:46,260 There we are. 358 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:47,400 That's it. 359 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:49,280 Oh, my goodness. 360 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:51,000 That's it. One for luck. 361 00:29:52,090 --> 00:29:55,130 Now then, I clearly haven't got any smaller bags in this house. 362 00:29:57,510 --> 00:29:58,510 There we go. 363 00:29:59,690 --> 00:30:00,690 Lovely. 364 00:30:01,770 --> 00:30:03,210 How much, John? 365 00:30:04,310 --> 00:30:05,049 Pardon me? 366 00:30:05,050 --> 00:30:07,210 How much? Well, whatever you've got in your hand. 367 00:30:08,390 --> 00:30:11,650 Can you read that all right? Goodbye. 368 00:30:12,030 --> 00:30:13,030 Goodbye, John. 369 00:30:13,150 --> 00:30:14,750 Mind your head in the warehouse, won't you? 370 00:30:17,130 --> 00:30:17,929 That's it. 371 00:30:17,930 --> 00:30:19,690 Right, who's next? Oh, you over here. 372 00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:21,310 Come along, man. Look, 373 00:30:23,790 --> 00:30:27,070 I think we're both wasting each other's time here. You think so? Yes, I haven't. 374 00:30:27,070 --> 00:30:30,310 I must be honest with you. I haven't come to see you about my arm. 375 00:30:30,510 --> 00:30:31,610 Ah, now you're talking. 376 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:36,220 Pull up a Bentwood and sit down. Yes. I want a new car. 377 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,300 Oh, that's more like it. Nurse, would you come in, please? 378 00:30:39,540 --> 00:30:42,060 Was it the Alvis in the window you were interested in? That's the one I am. 379 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,920 Would you show Mr. Thompson the Alvis in the window, please, nurse? Yes, sir. 380 00:30:45,020 --> 00:30:45,959 Thank you. 381 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:47,420 Don't bother to mind your head on the way out. 382 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:50,480 Oh, no, ladies, how are you getting on in here? 383 00:34:53,659 --> 00:34:54,659 Good evening. 384 00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:59,900 Last month on this programme, we dealt with the Reverend W .A. Spooner of New 385 00:34:59,900 --> 00:35:04,240 College, Oxford, initiator of the Spoonerism, the man who once said to his 386 00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:09,180 congregation, now let us preel and neigh and confess the dongs we have run. 387 00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:15,460 The success of our profile on Spooner has led to a new Western musical which 388 00:35:15,460 --> 00:35:16,780 closed last week in rehearsal. 389 00:35:17,060 --> 00:35:19,380 Here, then, is an excerpt from the show. 390 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:29,640 What a lovely lay it is. 391 00:35:30,500 --> 00:35:32,640 Oh, it does feel up to be good in the morning. 392 00:35:33,380 --> 00:35:37,340 Where is my lovely wife? Millicent! She surely can't be Bill instead. 393 00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:38,640 Still in bed. 394 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:43,520 Oh, I forgot. She's gone to have her pig whirled. Her wig furled. But she should 395 00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:44,520 be back by now. 396 00:35:44,620 --> 00:35:45,620 Millicent! 397 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,160 Did you call, William? 398 00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:48,600 Ah, good milling, Mornicent. 399 00:35:50,020 --> 00:35:52,260 Happy Anning Wediversary, dear. 400 00:35:53,610 --> 00:35:56,470 Nuit d 'amour, number five. Oh, thank you, William. 401 00:35:56,710 --> 00:35:58,250 I knew you needed a scent of bot. 402 00:35:59,710 --> 00:36:01,050 Of subtle event. 403 00:36:01,450 --> 00:36:04,050 Purple. Oh, yes, I did. 404 00:36:04,330 --> 00:36:06,250 And are you still taking me out tonight? 405 00:36:06,570 --> 00:36:07,570 Sweetly, my third. 406 00:36:08,730 --> 00:36:11,790 I want you to go away and put on your hideous little pratt. 407 00:36:13,170 --> 00:36:18,230 I have reserved our usual nosy little cook and ordered your favorite meal, 408 00:36:18,230 --> 00:36:19,730 pops and dotted speak. 409 00:36:23,340 --> 00:36:28,300 Ah, but if only our place was still open. Ah. The restaurant you took me to 410 00:36:28,300 --> 00:36:29,300 day we met. 411 00:36:29,620 --> 00:36:30,820 Oh, William. 412 00:36:33,540 --> 00:36:39,660 I still remember that table for two where close together we'd sit 413 00:36:39,660 --> 00:36:44,080 in that bohemian cafe we knew. 414 00:36:44,620 --> 00:36:46,860 Somewhere in Notting Hill, Git. 415 00:36:52,170 --> 00:36:54,790 It was delectable mock -suit -le -ter. 416 00:36:55,570 --> 00:36:57,730 Rooms were my favorite course. 417 00:36:58,590 --> 00:37:02,430 Mine was roast horse and beef radish sauce. 418 00:37:03,290 --> 00:37:08,790 Lances at each other with stool, hating to miss a glimpse. 419 00:37:09,670 --> 00:37:15,930 Over the check -in kiss -a -roll and the shrotted pimps. 420 00:37:30,420 --> 00:37:32,280 I'm still your... 421 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,220 Dr. Spooner. My name is Mr. Armstrong. 422 00:38:05,580 --> 00:38:07,180 Ah, how do you arm, Mr. Dewstrong? 423 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,980 Armstrong. Nevertheless, I am demited to like you. 424 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,540 My wife has just gone away to make us a nice tot of pea. 425 00:38:16,420 --> 00:38:20,020 I didn't come here to drink tea, I'm afraid. No, I came to see you about the 426 00:38:20,020 --> 00:38:23,160 fences. Oh, all right. Don't get your knickers in a twist. Oh, I did that one 427 00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:24,160 right. I'm sorry. 428 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,440 Don't get your twisters in a nick. What do you want? 429 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:32,540 Well, I want to know, for example, beside yourself and your wife, If there 430 00:38:32,540 --> 00:38:36,720 any other people domiciled or resident in this domicile? Well, I have a 431 00:38:36,720 --> 00:38:40,720 university colleague staying with me who is writing a thesis on songs of the 432 00:38:40,720 --> 00:38:43,240 Wild West entitled Pioneer Poke Music. 433 00:38:44,060 --> 00:38:45,660 Would you like to hear one? 434 00:38:45,900 --> 00:38:46,899 Well, I don't think so. 435 00:38:46,900 --> 00:38:47,960 Oh, then show yourself. 436 00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:58,820 It was round -up time at Cherokee Landing and the cows were randy for 437 00:38:58,820 --> 00:38:59,820 ready. 438 00:39:02,730 --> 00:39:04,050 Slim and watching his moves. 439 00:39:04,930 --> 00:39:08,290 When I thought I heard the distant hounding of fools. 440 00:39:09,670 --> 00:39:12,950 Overcome with fear. I couldn't quite stifle. 441 00:39:13,430 --> 00:39:17,110 Just for safety's sake I picked up my rusty trifle. 442 00:39:17,750 --> 00:39:21,330 When in gallop the gorgeous girl in spangles and crystals. 443 00:39:23,190 --> 00:39:25,510 Threateningly pandishing her bristles. 444 00:39:27,510 --> 00:39:28,690 Pandishing bristles. 445 00:39:29,050 --> 00:39:32,370 Pounding hooves. Really, Dr. Squirell, this is letting us go where? 446 00:39:32,650 --> 00:39:33,650 Going us net worth. 447 00:39:34,470 --> 00:39:36,830 Getting us nowhere. Is that what you're saying to Trey? 448 00:39:37,270 --> 00:39:38,270 Well, 449 00:39:38,730 --> 00:39:43,830 what do you wish to know? Well, I wish to know complete details of your family, 450 00:39:43,930 --> 00:39:47,570 where you were born, your earnings and so forth. If you will dictate them to 451 00:39:47,650 --> 00:39:50,330 I will poppy them all in a little bit of caper. Very well. 452 00:39:53,150 --> 00:39:56,530 Well, I was scorned in Botland and my wife was worn in bales. 453 00:39:56,750 --> 00:39:59,970 I have one done and two sorted. That's one me -male and two fales. 454 00:40:01,420 --> 00:40:04,200 Domestically, we're overdaft and postily undergraved. 455 00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:08,000 There's Harry, she's the mousekeeper, and Moosey, she's the lad. 456 00:40:09,260 --> 00:40:13,640 Forgive me for asking, but could you take it slower, please? It's not that I 457 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,460 doubting a Guinister of mod. 458 00:40:15,740 --> 00:40:19,980 It's just that my ears haven't quite become accustomed to the manner of your 459 00:40:19,980 --> 00:40:22,300 speaking, and it hounds a little thought. 460 00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:28,020 Well, there's Harry, he's the gardener. There's Gary, he's the hardener. And 461 00:40:28,020 --> 00:40:30,940 Colin, he's the boot boy. And Bolling does the coots. 462 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,660 There's Melanie, the tweeny maid. 463 00:40:32,860 --> 00:40:34,060 Young Eeny Twee, the lemonade. 464 00:40:34,420 --> 00:40:37,180 And Bertie is my doggie. Ah, little dirty bog. 465 00:40:38,980 --> 00:40:43,400 My mother comes from Britain, my father comes from Turkey. So, your mother, she 466 00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:45,660 is Titish, and your father, he's a Berk. 467 00:40:46,740 --> 00:40:50,720 And you'll be very glad to see that that concludes the inventory. I think that 468 00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:52,540 you'll admit that it's a lovely wab of jerk. 469 00:40:55,500 --> 00:40:56,500 Wab of jerk? 470 00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:58,140 Wab of jerk, Mr. 471 00:40:58,340 --> 00:41:02,300 Doosprong? Your words are not making sense. Not making sense? 472 00:41:02,700 --> 00:41:03,960 Poppy Dash and Baldacock. 473 00:41:05,060 --> 00:41:07,960 Really, I've never heard anything so reliefulous in all my dick. 474 00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:12,860 I must ask you to leave my house at once. I'm going, don't worry. Or heave 475 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:13,598 if you prefer. 476 00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:14,519 Heave your louse? 477 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,740 Yes, please. I shall certainly heave your louse. Yes. If you don't want the 478 00:41:17,740 --> 00:41:18,740 lion, I'll have it. 479 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:22,440 Wonderful thing you are. 480 00:41:23,340 --> 00:41:24,680 I shall heave your louse. 481 00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:29,240 Yes. This is a nightmare. A nightmare, I tell you. My hound is going red in 482 00:41:29,240 --> 00:41:30,360 circles. Oh. 483 00:41:32,230 --> 00:41:33,230 Not making sense. 484 00:41:33,430 --> 00:41:35,370 Oh, how bare he, the dastard. 485 00:41:36,010 --> 00:41:37,710 Has he gone? 486 00:41:38,050 --> 00:41:43,150 Has he gone? Good gracious me, has he gone? Of course. As from now on, I am 487 00:41:43,150 --> 00:41:44,150 house of this headhound. 488 00:41:45,670 --> 00:41:49,350 No, but, Mrs. Spooner, I am not as confused as I seem. 489 00:41:50,610 --> 00:41:54,710 Now, look, from now on, and you can go up these clothes and take your stairs 490 00:41:54,710 --> 00:41:55,710 straight away. 491 00:41:56,190 --> 00:41:57,450 I'm talking of stairs. 492 00:41:58,050 --> 00:41:59,310 We'll stair this up. 493 00:42:17,240 --> 00:42:19,620 A crappy Christmas to you all. 494 00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:50,540 Well, that's all for this week. Next week, we'll discuss assistant 495 00:42:50,540 --> 00:42:53,940 who pose in school photographs and ask should they stand by their principals. 496 00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:02,380 And we'll be looking at nudists and asking can they show us a thing or two? 497 00:43:03,660 --> 00:43:08,000 And finally, a late newsflash. We've just heard that Raquel Welsh has been 498 00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:12,400 signed to play Quasimodo in the new film entitled The Hunchfront of Notre Dame. 499 00:43:16,460 --> 00:43:20,260 And now it's good night from me and it's good night from him. Good night.