1 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:29,340 Good evening. Nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. Very nice 2 00:00:29,340 --> 00:00:33,560 indeed. We'll start straight away with some news of an exceptionally busy night 3 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:34,560 for the police. 4 00:00:34,580 --> 00:00:38,380 Ten tons of human hair on the way to be made into wigs fell off a lorry on the 5 00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:39,299 A1 today. 6 00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:40,840 Police are still combing the area. 7 00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:50,200 And in Sussex... A van load of bread overturned when it collided with a lorry 8 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,440 carrying tins of pork luncheon meat. 9 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,680 Motorists should proceed with caution as the road is blocked by an unusually 10 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:57,680 large sandwich. 11 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:04,200 And the South Pilling Fire Brigade, which has been late for every fire in 12 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,000 last seven years, is seeking advice. 13 00:01:06,260 --> 00:01:12,620 Please ring them at South Pilling 76249 -357 -721 -0464. 14 00:01:16,630 --> 00:01:17,750 Extension 50375. 15 00:01:19,650 --> 00:01:25,250 And earlier today, at the Old Bailey, Jim Spriggs, the world's greatest 16 00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:28,850 confidence trickster, sentenced the judge to five years hard labour. 17 00:01:30,470 --> 00:01:34,490 While in Battersea, a self -employed man was found guilty of defrauding the 18 00:01:34,490 --> 00:01:38,030 Minister of Social Security by sticking trading stamps on his national insurance 19 00:01:38,030 --> 00:01:41,590 card. He was fined £50 or an electric food mixer. 20 00:01:43,110 --> 00:01:44,110 And now... 21 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,360 Some more bad news, I'm afraid, about the social services. The Midwives 22 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:52,040 Association announced plans today for a nationwide strike and will not deliver 23 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:54,120 any more babies as from midnight tonight. 24 00:01:54,980 --> 00:01:57,220 As from tomorrow, you'll have to collect them for yourselves. 25 00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:02,640 And now it's time once again to consider the state of the party. 26 00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:07,000 Yes, absolutely true. Yes, absolutely true. I was there at the time. 27 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:08,519 Yes. 28 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:10,160 Hello. 29 00:02:11,910 --> 00:02:12,728 Oh, hello. 30 00:02:12,730 --> 00:02:14,230 Jolly nice of you to come. 31 00:02:14,450 --> 00:02:15,610 Not at all. Have a drink. 32 00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:16,769 Thank you very much. 33 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:20,650 Oh, thank God. I say, that's an awfully unusual jump you've got there. 34 00:02:20,910 --> 00:02:24,390 Oh, well, it's the latest thing to do, this. This is the fun thing. 35 00:02:25,010 --> 00:02:26,010 It's all the rage. 36 00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:30,310 I read it somewhere. I think, didn't I? 37 00:02:30,570 --> 00:02:34,330 No. Oh. No. It's utterly ridiculous and no one ever does it. 38 00:02:34,550 --> 00:02:38,230 Oh. Completely ridiculous and absolutely unfashionable. 39 00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:39,770 Oh, that's good. 40 00:02:42,350 --> 00:02:45,270 Well, it is rather Fergal. I thought of it my Sergal. 41 00:02:46,270 --> 00:02:52,030 Is that the latest trend, saying everything and adding Ergal on at the 42 00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:53,490 That'll never catch on. 43 00:02:53,950 --> 00:02:56,270 No, not as much fun as the old kangaroo jump. 44 00:02:56,650 --> 00:02:58,770 No. Hello, every Fergal. 45 00:02:59,270 --> 00:03:00,270 No, hello. 46 00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:04,570 Have a Dregal. Oh, Fergal, very Mergal. Now, have you got Jergal or Wergal? I 47 00:03:04,570 --> 00:03:07,570 believe you've got a little bit of Brergal. I think I'll have a drop of 48 00:03:07,650 --> 00:03:08,650 Fergal. Yes, certainly. 49 00:03:09,150 --> 00:03:10,150 Hello. 50 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:11,690 Hello. 51 00:03:14,030 --> 00:03:18,230 Pathetic. It really is pathetic. I mean, you're like a load of Shergill. Sheep, 52 00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:19,230 sheep, sheep. 53 00:03:19,550 --> 00:03:21,130 Perhaps that's just a little J. 54 00:03:21,330 --> 00:03:22,810 Worthington fits Sour Grapesville. 55 00:03:23,030 --> 00:03:25,370 Is that another trend? Saying J. 56 00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:26,650 Worthington fits everything? 57 00:03:26,930 --> 00:03:28,390 Yes, J. Worthington fits exactly. 58 00:03:28,630 --> 00:03:30,090 Oh, how lucky for J. Worthington. 59 00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:34,090 You see, I can be amusing without using gimmicks. 60 00:03:34,410 --> 00:03:35,410 When? 61 00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:48,720 in ever since Tuesday. It was all the rage at Magnus's housewarming party. Oh, 62 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:53,760 it was all the rage at Magnus's housewarming party. No, in the Karl Marx 63 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:54,880 Remember that? Oh, 64 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,660 anybody can do that. I can do that. I just don't want to do it. That's all 65 00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:01,660 quack. 66 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,680 I say that was awfully good. Do that again. 67 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,200 Do what again? Quack. 68 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,220 Oh, that's great fun. 69 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:11,440 Quack. 70 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,680 Bells, there's no need to make fun of my speech defect. 71 00:04:13,940 --> 00:04:14,940 Quirk! 72 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:15,960 Oh, 73 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,740 sorry. I didn't realise it was a speech defect. 74 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,920 Anyway, it might catch on and then everyone will be doing it and no one 75 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:30,920 know that you're doing it. Oh, no, no, I'm 76 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,600 bored. I'm bored with all this. No, I want something new. 77 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,780 Well, Magnus will be here in a minurgle. He's sure to have thought of something 78 00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:38,180 nurgle. That's true. Hello! 79 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:40,600 Lovely party pools. 80 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:45,440 Oh, but drink the booze. Easy booze. We've got ginny booze or whiskey booze? 81 00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:49,960 Ginny booze. I like your beardy booze. Oh, tarzy booze. Yes. 82 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,800 Where's your little beardy booze? 83 00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:56,540 I lost it. No, I didn't. I never had a beard. Never had one. Didn't want one. 84 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,260 Not interested in fashions or trends. 85 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,520 Can't bear them. Well, I think it's lovely. 86 00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:02,920 I can't wait for Magnus to see Virgo. 87 00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:09,440 Magnus, schmagnus, I'm going Fitzbloody homey booze and I'm Nurgle coming Virgo. 88 00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:39,460 No, you don't like gimmicks if we're not taking you out in Agnes. Come on. 89 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:44,320 Thank you, folks. Thank you for a lovely party. 90 00:06:12,270 --> 00:06:15,710 If there's one more song I'll be singing. 91 00:06:16,050 --> 00:06:20,050 I'm always going, but I don't know where. 92 00:06:20,350 --> 00:06:26,770 Keep on moving, moving on. I've been 17 years in South Australia. 93 00:06:27,190 --> 00:06:30,170 Eight more years just running free. 94 00:06:30,450 --> 00:06:36,330 With the girls back home in their short blue dresses. Only hear one thing from 95 00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:37,330 me. 96 00:06:39,230 --> 00:06:41,390 If there's one more time. 97 00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:46,760 I might be the winning, I'll be there. 98 00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:50,760 If there's one more song, I'll be singing. 99 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:57,900 I'm always going, but I don't know where. Keep a moving, a moving on. 100 00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:04,280 Went round to Sydney last summer on a tanker working my way. 101 00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:08,900 There were well -mannered ladies, streets that were shady. 102 00:07:09,140 --> 00:07:11,660 But for me, I never could stay. 103 00:07:14,890 --> 00:07:18,330 If there's one more town, I'll be going. 104 00:07:18,810 --> 00:07:21,670 I'll fight for the winning, I'll be there. 105 00:07:22,010 --> 00:07:25,690 If there's one more song, I'll be singing. 106 00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:28,950 I'm always going, but I don't. 107 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:55,820 Sailed up north on a schooner, but I wouldn't be staying there long. 108 00:07:56,480 --> 00:08:02,480 There were bright city lights and girls in pink tights, but their faces were all 109 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:03,480 painted on. 110 00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:09,920 If there's one more town, I'll be going. 111 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,100 I'll find me the winning, I'll be there. 112 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:17,200 If there's one more song, I'll be singing. 113 00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:21,560 I'm always going, but I don't know where. 114 00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:25,420 I don't know where. 115 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,120 I don't know where. 116 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:32,659 I don't know where. 117 00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:54,620 I'm appealing to you tonight on behalf of the society for the very clumsy. 118 00:08:56,460 --> 00:08:59,440 You know, it can be very unpleasant to be clumsy. 119 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:04,440 Last week, one of our members broke 44 bones, nine of them his own. 120 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,460 Even I myself do tend to knock over the occasional table. 121 00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:11,960 In fact, last month, I knocked over five occasional tables. 122 00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:17,700 Now, our society was founded in the 16th century, thank you, by... 123 00:09:19,070 --> 00:09:23,670 Our society, as I was saying, was founded in the 16th century by the 124 00:09:23,670 --> 00:09:27,530 who beheaded Sir Thomas More, although he was actually aiming at Anne Boleyn. 125 00:09:29,050 --> 00:09:34,670 Today, we have 26 ,000 members, and you'll be pleased to hear that only 87 126 00:09:34,670 --> 00:09:38,710 these are in hospital, and only 53 of them are surgeons. 127 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:43,330 Two years ago, we decided to set up a clumsy centre. 128 00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:48,480 Our president, Sir Henry Splint, himself laid our foundation stone with the 129 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,560 immortal words, Whoops, sorry your ladyship, that was the trowel. 130 00:09:53,620 --> 00:10:00,440 To help members lead a normal life, as I only recently started 131 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,440 to do. 132 00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:03,320 It is very difficult. 133 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,140 It is very difficult for our members to find work. 134 00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:14,270 Mostly, the only jobs that are available are things like demolition work, post 135 00:10:14,270 --> 00:10:16,850 office management and captaining oil tankers. 136 00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:23,890 Above all, we need money to train our members not to be clumsy. 137 00:10:24,310 --> 00:10:29,310 Here is an example of what can be done a given sufficient time and training. 138 00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:33,930 It was made by our oldest member entirely out of matchsticks and chewing 139 00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:38,290 Unfortunately, he is no longer with us, and as soon as he had finished this 140 00:10:38,290 --> 00:10:40,470 model, he stepped back to admire his work. 141 00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:43,170 tripped over his landlady and fell out of an open window. 142 00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:48,290 But at least he has left something to posterity, so your money will not be 143 00:10:48,290 --> 00:10:49,290 wasted. 144 00:10:49,470 --> 00:10:50,010 Well... 145 00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:57,030 Well, 146 00:10:57,210 --> 00:10:59,310 that's that. 147 00:11:00,210 --> 00:11:01,230 Give generously. 148 00:11:01,590 --> 00:11:06,030 We want to set up clumsy centres all over Britain where clumsy people can 149 00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:07,230 in without hurting themselves. 150 00:11:08,170 --> 00:11:11,370 We also want to build a school for children of clumsy members. 151 00:11:11,710 --> 00:11:18,310 So far, none of them have managed to have any children, but I know... I 152 00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:24,170 know they're all trying desperately hard at this very moment. 153 00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:28,930 Thank you. Thank you for listening. Don't be afraid to write to me, or if we 154 00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:32,010 should bump into each other in the street, then it's bound to be my fault. 155 00:11:32,390 --> 00:11:34,250 Thank you once again, and good night. 156 00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:59,270 You will doubtless remember, dear overindulgent reader, how I had lately 157 00:11:59,270 --> 00:12:03,970 returned from Paris, and of the duel which precipitated my sudden departure 158 00:12:03,970 --> 00:12:05,510 that city of a thousand romances. 159 00:12:05,770 --> 00:12:10,250 But now, as I approached the sinister residence in which I was to fulfill the 160 00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:13,490 post of housekeeper, a nameless fear gripped me. 161 00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:19,170 My heart began to thump so loudly within my bosom that I was sure someone must 162 00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:20,170 hear it. 163 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,880 My fears were confirmed. 164 00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:53,540 Welcome to Doomsday Hall, my dear. 165 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:59,260 You are to do calculus from now on, eh? What a strange chick of a girl you are. 166 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,440 Come closer, come closer. I won't eat you. 167 00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:02,840 I'm a vegetarian. 168 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:04,700 He'll eat you. 169 00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:08,500 He's not particular what he eats. Are you, Kehoe? 170 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:09,920 No, sir. 171 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,000 Keel is his real name. He's of German extraction. 172 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,840 But I think Keyhole's a rather good name for a butler, don't you? 173 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,100 Ha, ha, ha! 174 00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:19,480 Laugh, Keyhole! 175 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,200 Ha, ha, ha! 176 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,160 And we shall see you in the morning then, my dear, provided you are spared. 177 00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:28,740 I trust you have a peaceful and uneventful night. 178 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,900 Keyhole, you know where Miss Beckett's quarters are. 179 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:37,660 Ha, ha, ha! Don't laugh till you're told. That wasn't a joke. Now show Miss 180 00:13:37,660 --> 00:13:38,680 Beckett your home. 181 00:13:38,980 --> 00:13:41,000 This way, madam. 182 00:13:52,650 --> 00:13:54,710 What a dark, gloomy room it was. 183 00:13:55,550 --> 00:13:58,870 I think I would have fled there and then, had it not been for the presence 184 00:13:58,870 --> 00:13:59,870 the frightening keyhole. 185 00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:03,770 Will that be all, madam? 186 00:14:04,030 --> 00:14:08,910 Yes, thank you, keyhole. If you want anything in the night, just cry out. 187 00:14:10,070 --> 00:14:12,190 My room is only next door. 188 00:14:12,630 --> 00:14:15,110 Oh, no. I wouldn't want to disturb your sleep. 189 00:14:15,430 --> 00:14:16,570 Oh, I don't sleep. 190 00:14:17,150 --> 00:14:20,150 I lie awake all night, scheming. 191 00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:22,600 Pleasant dreams, madam. 192 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,560 Your midnight cocoa, madam. 193 00:14:44,660 --> 00:14:48,900 If I were you, I'd approach it with a certain amount of caution. 194 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,120 Why? What's the matter? with it? 195 00:14:51,580 --> 00:14:52,840 It's bloody hot. 196 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,160 I knew then that this was no ordinary house. 197 00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,700 There was some dark secret here that they did not wish me to discover. 198 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,640 Why else would they want to watch me undressing for bed? 199 00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,460 It could only be to keep an eye on my movements. 200 00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,620 So it was Keyhole who'd been watching me. 201 00:16:04,090 --> 00:16:06,150 He then obviously was up to no good. 202 00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:10,390 Perhaps after all, I had misjudged his master, Lord Doomsday. 203 00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:14,850 Although eccentric, he was in all probability an innocent party in the 204 00:16:20,630 --> 00:16:23,150 Forgive me, my dear, I breakfasted earlier. 205 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:27,730 I come to tell you that Kehoe and I are going to the village on business. 206 00:16:28,410 --> 00:16:32,550 I'd be very much obliged if you would stay in your room. 207 00:16:33,430 --> 00:16:34,810 Bring your coffee there, dear. 208 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:40,030 They were obviously lying. 209 00:16:40,350 --> 00:16:42,690 And why did they wish me to remain in my room? 210 00:16:43,310 --> 00:16:45,370 What did they wish to conceal from me? 211 00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:51,830 This was more than I could bear. 212 00:16:52,310 --> 00:16:55,750 As soon as they'd gone, I resolved to explore this evil house. 213 00:17:35,210 --> 00:17:37,350 I failed to bring the key, sir. 214 00:17:37,770 --> 00:17:39,770 You failed to bring the key. 215 00:17:40,230 --> 00:17:42,230 I failed to bring the key. 216 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,080 This was their guilty secret. 217 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,580 An illicit whiskey skill. 218 00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:17,400 If this were discovered by the police, Lord Doomsday would face many years in 219 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,520 jail. I resolved to leave at once. 220 00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:23,280 By the time they returned, I would be out of reach of their evil clutches. 221 00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:28,580 Not so fast, my inquisitive beauty. 222 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:30,500 Too late. 223 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,660 I'd been caught red -handed by the... 224 00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:43,710 Need I describe to you, Ancestrina, my feelings of terror as they laid me in 225 00:19:43,710 --> 00:19:45,130 coffin and nailed down the lid? 226 00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:47,730 Fetch the handguard. Yes, ma 'am. 227 00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:52,410 We're taking you to the river, Miss Beckett. Now, I don't know if this 228 00:19:52,410 --> 00:19:53,550 airtight or not. 229 00:19:53,850 --> 00:19:55,610 If it is, you'll propagate. 230 00:19:56,050 --> 00:19:58,910 If it's not, you'll drown. 231 00:20:00,370 --> 00:20:04,470 It was then that I did the only thing that an English girl can do when she 232 00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:06,010 herself at the mercy of evil doers. 233 00:20:06,730 --> 00:20:07,950 Pray and kick hard. 234 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,580 And very soon, my prayers were answered. 235 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:59,380 The poor, astonished clergyman soon overcame his fear and released me from 236 00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:00,920 imprisonment, much to my relief. 237 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:05,160 And within the hour, I was sitting with him in his vicarage, taking tea and 238 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,160 munching bread and honey. 239 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:12,060 He had already introduced me to his cousin, a Mr Samuel D. Goldberg, a 240 00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:16,240 to these shores from America, and his friend and companion, Donald Fairchild, 241 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,400 Jr. 242 00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:21,500 Mr Goldberg was engaged in making what he called motion pictures. 243 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,100 I did not know it at the time. 244 00:21:25,580 --> 00:21:30,060 But I was about to embark upon perhaps the most exciting episode in my long 245 00:21:30,060 --> 00:21:31,060 of adventures. 246 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:51,600 Resume the searching once again into the upper, middle and lower classes with 247 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,440 regards to various aspects of modern living in Britain. 248 00:21:54,910 --> 00:21:58,770 Tonight we have representatives of the three classes in the studio to report on 249 00:21:58,770 --> 00:21:59,970 family life. 250 00:22:04,090 --> 00:22:07,730 I have three children, Jeremy, Alison and Jay. 251 00:22:08,110 --> 00:22:10,390 My wife and I have been married for eight years. 252 00:22:10,890 --> 00:22:13,510 I have two children, Derek and Doreen. 253 00:22:13,730 --> 00:22:16,030 My wife and I have been married for six years. 254 00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,350 I have eight children. 255 00:22:19,090 --> 00:22:22,690 Peter, Rita, Anita, Sandra, Dawn, Clint, Rock and Elvis. 256 00:22:24,190 --> 00:22:25,790 My wife and I are not married. 257 00:22:28,570 --> 00:22:33,310 My wife is on several committees, runs the local opera group and is secretary 258 00:22:33,310 --> 00:22:34,209 the Bridge Club. 259 00:22:34,210 --> 00:22:39,030 My wife is a member of the Mother's Union, enjoys organising coffee mornings 260 00:22:39,030 --> 00:22:40,590 is a driver for Meals on Wheels. 261 00:22:41,370 --> 00:22:43,070 My wife is pregnant again. 262 00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:49,670 We give dinner parties two or three times a week. This enables us to keep in 263 00:22:49,670 --> 00:22:51,310 touch with our wide circle of friends. 264 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,940 We give a wine and cheese do once a month. This enables us to do it on the 265 00:22:55,940 --> 00:23:00,140 cheap. Her mother comes round Saturday nights and drinks my Guinness. 266 00:23:01,260 --> 00:23:03,520 This enables her to get drunk for nothing. 267 00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:09,400 We stopped having children when we decided that we had the ideal -sized 268 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:12,860 unit. We stopped having children when the school meals went up. 269 00:23:13,780 --> 00:23:16,800 We stopped having children when we found out what was causing it. 270 00:23:19,020 --> 00:23:24,650 We employ... A housekeeper, a chauffeur, a gardener and a cleaning woman. My 271 00:23:24,650 --> 00:23:28,130 wife has a woman who comes in three times a week and a babysitter in the 272 00:23:28,130 --> 00:23:32,530 evenings. My wife has a babysitter, a cook, someone to clean the house at the 273 00:23:32,530 --> 00:23:35,130 weekends and a washer up. And I'm bleeding exhausted. 274 00:23:39,610 --> 00:23:42,510 Three family units, each of a different class. 275 00:23:42,850 --> 00:23:45,670 But are our opinions of marriage really so different? 276 00:23:46,220 --> 00:23:50,460 I get the feeling that marriage only works provided it strengthens the 277 00:23:50,460 --> 00:23:51,460 of the individual. 278 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:55,340 My trouble is I get the feeling that marriage tends to tie me down. 279 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,560 My trouble is I get the feeling too often. 280 00:24:22,030 --> 00:24:25,890 I was alone. I took a ride. I didn't know what I would find. 281 00:24:27,910 --> 00:24:32,870 Another road where maybe I could see another kind of mind. 282 00:24:51,620 --> 00:24:55,040 Didn't run, didn't lie, you knew I wanted just a hold 283 00:25:43,050 --> 00:25:45,770 If I'm true, I'll never leave, and if I do, I'll... 284 00:27:27,050 --> 00:27:28,090 to my wife this morning. 285 00:27:28,610 --> 00:27:29,810 I was, honestly. 286 00:27:30,850 --> 00:27:32,930 No, fame hasn't changed me a bit, you know. 287 00:27:33,930 --> 00:27:36,630 Still unspoiled, modest, generous to a fault. 288 00:27:37,050 --> 00:27:38,850 God, the autographs I've given that woman. 289 00:27:39,330 --> 00:27:40,330 Anyway. 290 00:27:41,790 --> 00:27:44,550 I like, you know, I like you to believe that, you know, because it makes things 291 00:27:44,550 --> 00:27:48,610 so much easier later on. Anyway, a young lady is walking along, walking along. 292 00:27:49,470 --> 00:27:53,630 I'm laughing, won't you join me? A young lady is walking along a country lane 293 00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:55,430 and she's held up by a bandit. 294 00:27:55,850 --> 00:27:59,010 And she says, I haven't got any money on me. And the bandit says, keep still, 295 00:27:59,090 --> 00:28:00,090 I'm going to search you. 296 00:28:00,270 --> 00:28:02,850 After a couple of minutes, she says, don't stop now, I'll write you a cheque. 297 00:28:05,270 --> 00:28:08,850 Actually, I started in this business, you know, telling jokes in a nightclub. 298 00:28:09,230 --> 00:28:10,430 Quite a nice sort of place. 299 00:28:10,650 --> 00:28:11,990 It wasn't the talk of the town. 300 00:28:12,570 --> 00:28:14,430 As a matter of fact, it was hardly mentioned in the country. 301 00:28:15,430 --> 00:28:18,850 It was a sort of cheaper version of the silver dollar, called the wooden 302 00:28:18,850 --> 00:28:19,850 halfpenny. 303 00:28:20,330 --> 00:28:22,950 And I used to be the top of the bill, you know, the last on. 304 00:28:25,850 --> 00:28:29,670 were so bad that during my act the crowd would still be booing them. 305 00:28:32,090 --> 00:28:38,230 Now this club this club was situated right opposite the cemetery and we used 306 00:28:38,230 --> 00:28:40,670 rely rather a lot on the late night funeral trade. 307 00:28:42,690 --> 00:28:47,190 Although you see it hadn't always been a nightclub I mean it used to be a public 308 00:28:47,190 --> 00:28:51,710 convenience and a lot of people came down there because they didn't know it 309 00:28:51,710 --> 00:28:52,710 changed hands. 310 00:28:53,910 --> 00:28:57,440 Anyway the manager's wife The manager's wife, she used to sing in the cabaret. 311 00:28:57,880 --> 00:28:58,880 Not a pretty sight. 312 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:05,880 For an encore, she used to strip right down to her hearing aid. 313 00:29:07,580 --> 00:29:11,060 Anyway, she was so ugly, she was so ugly. I mean, he told me, quite frankly 314 00:29:11,060 --> 00:29:14,120 confidentially one night, he told me that, you know, he once had taken her to 315 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:18,180 Madame Tussauds and while they were in the Chamber of Horrors, an attendant had 316 00:29:18,180 --> 00:29:20,940 crept up to her and whispered in his ear and said, would you mind keeping your 317 00:29:20,940 --> 00:29:22,360 wife moving because we're stock -taking. 318 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:31,500 I recall that one of the low spots of the evening was the resident 319 00:29:31,500 --> 00:29:36,280 ventriloquist. Now, he never quite made it, partly because he couldn't afford a 320 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:37,280 dummy. 321 00:29:38,700 --> 00:29:40,360 Eventually, he had a great idea. 322 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:45,260 He gave up show business and became a phony medium, you see. Now, his clients 323 00:29:45,260 --> 00:29:49,220 weren't really talking to the departed, you know. I mean, the voices they heard 324 00:29:49,220 --> 00:29:52,860 were him doing his sort of ventriloquial bit, you see, throwing his voice. And 325 00:29:52,860 --> 00:29:54,040 the story goes... 326 00:29:55,000 --> 00:30:01,720 I wish it would. The story goes that one day, a 327 00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:03,100 lady came to him. 328 00:30:03,740 --> 00:30:09,020 I thought his luck had changed. A lady came to him, and she wanted to talk to 329 00:30:09,020 --> 00:30:12,740 her dear departed husband. He said, certainly, he said. So he let her talk 330 00:30:12,740 --> 00:30:15,620 her dear departed husband, and he charged her five guineas. She said to 331 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:19,880 now, money is no object to me, she said. And she sort of did that with her head 332 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:20,880 and her hands. 333 00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:24,120 She had that curious way. 334 00:30:24,410 --> 00:30:25,850 Money is no object. 335 00:30:26,190 --> 00:30:27,970 She said, money is no object. 336 00:30:28,190 --> 00:30:32,410 She said, for a little bit more, for a little bit more, he wondered what she 337 00:30:32,410 --> 00:30:35,550 going to say. He said, for a little bit more, could you make my husband 338 00:30:35,550 --> 00:30:39,230 materialize? Oh, he said, no, I can't do that. He said, no, he said, I can't do 339 00:30:39,230 --> 00:30:42,650 that. Couldn't possibly do that. He said, but I tell you what, for another 340 00:30:42,650 --> 00:30:45,910 bob, he could talk to you while I'm drinking a glass of water. 341 00:31:18,020 --> 00:31:20,660 Thank you. 342 00:32:33,100 --> 00:32:34,320 Oh, my dad. 343 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:30,780 I'll pull it down. 344 00:33:39,460 --> 00:33:40,460 What? 345 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,140 I think I... Hello. 346 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:37,400 No! 347 00:35:37,740 --> 00:35:38,740 No! 348 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:41,360 No! 349 00:36:05,850 --> 00:36:09,810 But the essential flavor has been retained by using only traditional 350 00:36:09,810 --> 00:36:15,570 airs. Here, then, is a preview of the BBC's latest venture, entitled 351 00:36:15,870 --> 00:36:16,870 Aha. 352 00:36:24,770 --> 00:36:29,230 My Lord Chancellor, where is the keeper of the Privy Chamber? 353 00:36:29,630 --> 00:36:30,710 I'm here, Your Majesty. 354 00:36:31,210 --> 00:36:32,910 Oh, get the lock fixed, would you, dear? 355 00:36:34,370 --> 00:36:37,470 I just met three old... ladies coming out said they've been in there since 356 00:36:37,470 --> 00:36:40,030 Saturday. However, are we all here? 357 00:36:40,290 --> 00:36:42,570 We are, Your Majesty. Good. Then we can start. 358 00:36:47,030 --> 00:36:53,530 In good King Charles's golden days when morals were appalling, His Majesty was 359 00:36:53,530 --> 00:36:56,450 always in when Nelwyn came a -calling. 360 00:36:56,750 --> 00:37:01,430 She plied him with her oranges, was known throughout the land, boys. 361 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:07,480 So full was he of vitamin C that he could hardly stand boys. 362 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:17,500 But now those bad old days are gone and I am on the throne, sirs. A virgin queen 363 00:37:17,500 --> 00:37:18,500 I shall remain. 364 00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:24,400 I mean to hold my own, sirs. I have a big poor post -star bed no man has dared 365 00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:29,240 to leave in. And won't be a tithe a twit who tries to creep in while I'm 366 00:37:29,240 --> 00:37:30,240 sleeping. 367 00:37:35,660 --> 00:37:38,380 be a chance, this chap, the Elizabeth the First, I am. 368 00:37:38,660 --> 00:37:41,840 Well, gentlemen, what did you think of that? 369 00:37:44,340 --> 00:37:44,820 Is 370 00:37:44,820 --> 00:37:52,440 someone 371 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:53,760 trying to tell me something? 372 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:57,680 Sir Francis Drake wishes to see Your Majesty. 373 00:37:57,980 --> 00:38:00,980 Oh, of course. I thought I recognized him. He is without. 374 00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:03,880 I beg your pardon? He is without. 375 00:38:04,230 --> 00:38:05,230 Yes, he would be, yeah. 376 00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:08,390 Have him within at once. 377 00:38:12,630 --> 00:38:13,488 Good evening. 378 00:38:13,490 --> 00:38:14,408 Good evening. 379 00:38:14,410 --> 00:38:15,410 Good evening, all. 380 00:38:15,890 --> 00:38:16,749 Good evening. 381 00:38:16,750 --> 00:38:19,190 Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's 382 00:38:19,290 --> 00:38:20,189 good evening, all. 383 00:38:20,190 --> 00:38:21,690 Frivolous branches at your service. 384 00:38:22,250 --> 00:38:26,110 Frivolous, frivolous branches, Drake, in the flesh, not a hand puppet. 385 00:38:26,570 --> 00:38:29,910 Well, what a joke, what a, what a... I know, you've got to laugh at the right 386 00:38:29,910 --> 00:38:32,830 time, I know, it's all pleased. Now, there we are. Oh, what a journey I've 387 00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:36,140 Traffic round the Isle of Wight, something terrible, honestly. Boatsprit 388 00:38:36,140 --> 00:38:40,600 brosprit. Then finally some silly seaman backs into me and knocks me figurehead 389 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:41,299 right off. 390 00:38:41,300 --> 00:38:43,120 Honestly, it'd be easy to come by boat, really. 391 00:38:44,300 --> 00:38:48,380 Your Majesty, Sir Francis Drake. Oh, the nights are getting shorter. 392 00:38:50,540 --> 00:38:54,180 I was just explaining to the good people why I'm late. Yes, I heard. 393 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:56,680 Couldn't you persuade your sailors to go the other way? 394 00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:58,740 They don't need much persuading, my dear. 395 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,040 Now, as a matter of fact, it's a treat to come back to normality. Yes, in a 396 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:03,859 manner of speaking. 397 00:39:03,860 --> 00:39:06,120 Yes, and what are your sailors doing now? 398 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:07,720 They're camping on Plymouth Hill. 399 00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:10,340 Hill? What hill? Oh, plenty of that as well, yes. 400 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,860 But there's no good enough standing here discussing the crew, my dear. I've come 401 00:39:14,860 --> 00:39:16,380 to woo. Come to woo? 402 00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:17,840 To woo who? 403 00:39:18,060 --> 00:39:19,060 To woo you. 404 00:39:19,340 --> 00:39:20,360 Oh, you do? 405 00:39:20,660 --> 00:39:21,538 You do. 406 00:39:21,540 --> 00:39:25,560 So why don't we stop playing trains and tell the good people all about you? Oh, 407 00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:26,880 there my blood is due. 408 00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,230 I can't believe my luck. 409 00:39:53,470 --> 00:39:55,350 On you I'm really stuck. 410 00:39:55,650 --> 00:39:59,330 If you will take me as your drink, I'll make you Mrs. 411 00:39:59,570 --> 00:40:00,570 Duck. 412 00:40:04,300 --> 00:40:07,920 Thank you very much. Yes, all very well, Sir Francis. But while you've been 413 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:11,520 away, the Earl of Essex has been seeing a great deal of me. That wouldn't be 414 00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:12,520 difficult. 415 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:16,340 The Earl of Essex? You don't mean you let him... Oh, certainly not. You know 416 00:40:16,340 --> 00:40:18,300 very well I don't believe in Essex before marriage. 417 00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:22,020 When I saw him talking to you earlier, I didn't like the way he made certain 418 00:40:22,020 --> 00:40:24,040 remarks touching your chastity. 419 00:40:24,260 --> 00:40:24,919 Did he? 420 00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:28,360 I never noticed. You can't tell in these farthingales, you know. Oh, Majesty. 421 00:40:39,980 --> 00:40:43,700 Not that little man with the bicycle again, is it? Oh, dear. He's so 422 00:40:43,720 --> 00:40:45,660 you know. The bedroom's full of onions. 423 00:40:47,060 --> 00:40:50,280 No, it is the Armada. The Spanish ships are approaching England. 424 00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:51,820 Oh. Then I must depart. 425 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:56,580 Yes. I shall set sail for Plymouth. But never fear. When England once more is 426 00:40:56,580 --> 00:41:01,200 safe, when the grim shadow of war has departed, I shall return. 427 00:41:01,700 --> 00:41:03,140 Good. I'll leave your supper in the oven. 428 00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:05,080 Goodbye, Lizby. 429 00:41:05,660 --> 00:41:06,660 Until then. 430 00:41:08,720 --> 00:41:09,720 So... 431 00:41:10,570 --> 00:41:14,970 to fight the foe, the beat that you assign me. And I'll stay at home and sit 432 00:41:14,970 --> 00:41:18,430 upon the throne so you'll always know where to find me. The more life they 433 00:41:18,530 --> 00:41:22,770 they cannot break the chains of love that bind me. As I sink in the drink, I 434 00:41:22,770 --> 00:41:25,570 shall always think of that hefty girl behind me. 435 00:41:25,790 --> 00:41:29,450 Rule Britannia! It's time for our goodbyes. 436 00:41:29,690 --> 00:41:33,130 Next week, Henry IV, part one, on ice. 437 00:41:33,490 --> 00:41:36,950 Rule Britannia! It's time to say chapter... 438 00:42:02,670 --> 00:42:03,408 That's all for tonight. 439 00:42:03,410 --> 00:42:07,470 Next week we shall be discussing the Middle East crisis and revealing the 440 00:42:07,470 --> 00:42:10,690 recently announced term for taking in the Israeli borders. 441 00:42:11,290 --> 00:42:13,890 37 and 6 a night, bed, bagels and an evening meal. 442 00:42:15,510 --> 00:42:19,670 In our theory of science today, I shall be looking at Archimedes' principle and 443 00:42:19,670 --> 00:42:20,670 he'll be looking at mine. 444 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:30,760 We shall be talking to Mr Anthony Wedgwood -Benn about his proposal to 445 00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:34,980 trade union special programmes on TV, and we shall be showing excerpts, 446 00:42:34,980 --> 00:42:36,860 including old Time and a Half musical. 447 00:42:37,380 --> 00:42:41,280 Oh, brothers, it's a lockout, and I'm all right Jackanory. 448 00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:47,220 And we end with a warning. Reports are just coming in of an elephant that has 449 00:42:47,220 --> 00:42:48,300 done a tonne on the M1. 450 00:42:56,330 --> 00:42:58,730 Drive carefully and treat it as a roundabout. 451 00:43:02,850 --> 00:43:05,950 Now it's goodnight from me. 452 00:43:06,150 --> 00:43:08,070 And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight. 453 00:43:08,450 --> 00:43:09,450 Goodnight.