1 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:31,660 Good evening. Nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. Very nice 2 00:00:31,660 --> 00:00:36,720 indeed. Let's start with the news. A prisoner made a dramatic escape from 3 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,040 Wormwood Scrubs yesterday. 4 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:43,920 He only just cleared an eight -foot wall surmounted with broken glass in a 5 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:44,980 single stride. 6 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,400 He was recaptured this afternoon and admitted to Holloway. 7 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:03,920 I think he's in the audience. 8 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:10,940 At Ford's Hailwood plant today, a man was given a gold watch for long service 9 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,600 after working for 25 minutes. 10 00:01:18,820 --> 00:01:23,160 And this morning, a dustman in Ealing got married. 11 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,920 As he was carrying his bride over the threshold, from force of habit, he 12 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:28,920 bits of her on the step. 13 00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:35,960 Thor Heyerdahl set out today to cross the Pacific in a boat made entirely out 14 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,180 newspaper articles about himself. 15 00:01:38,220 --> 00:01:42,600 And we've just heard, yes, and we've just heard that the Sunday Times colour 16 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,980 supplement has gone soggy in the middle, the Vegetable Growers Gazette has 17 00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:48,880 sprung a leak, and the Daily Mail has shrunk out of all recognition. 18 00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:56,140 A row broke out today over a large printed sign in Whitehall which reads, 19 00:01:56,140 --> 00:01:57,400 Minister of Public Works. 20 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,120 Underneath, someone had written, no, no, he doesn't. 21 00:02:02,340 --> 00:02:05,260 Tomorrow's edition of the News of the World will be brought out by a different 22 00:02:05,260 --> 00:02:09,800 management. The editor's been replaced by a scoutmaster, three choirboys, and a 23 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,880 23 -year -old redhead called Brenda who once hitched a ride to shame. 24 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:20,740 London Transport applied for bus conductors this week. For three hours, 25 00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:23,560 turned up. Then 23 came all at once. 26 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,980 And a man who swallowed a boomerang in Bradford was discharged from hospital 27 00:02:35,980 --> 00:02:37,320 today, 27 times. 28 00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:45,000 And now it's time once again to consider the state of the party. 29 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:10,820 What do you do? 30 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,580 I'm the world's leading authority on impressionist painting. 31 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,120 Oh. 32 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:18,560 I'm an accountant. 33 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,000 Chartered accountant. 34 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:23,500 Where do you live? 35 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,640 I live in a converted monastery in the Outer Hebrides. 36 00:03:29,860 --> 00:03:31,120 I live in Hendon. 37 00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:35,220 Is your wife here tonight? 38 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,780 No. As a matter of fact, she's in Vietnam. 39 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:40,440 Fighting. 40 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,740 Oh, really? How fascinating. 41 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,880 Do you know Henlon at all? 42 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:52,320 Well, I've been through it once when I was being kidnapped by Russian agents. 43 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:54,600 Where were they taking you? 44 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:58,100 They were taking me to a frigate they had moored in the Thames estuary. 45 00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,259 Oh, really? 46 00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:02,040 Well, you must have come down Old Worcester Road then, past our house. 47 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,820 It's just past the bars. 48 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,680 Now, I'm afraid I wouldn't remember, because they drugged me pretty heavily 49 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,960 hypotalsin metrothicane. Oh. 50 00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:13,500 What does that do to you? 51 00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:17,200 It completely paralyses your memory. 52 00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:19,700 Does it affect your eyesight at all? 53 00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:22,160 Oh, yes, it renders you totally unconscious. 54 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,580 Oh. Well, you wouldn't have seen our house, then. 55 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,660 Number 37 on the corner with the mauve paint. 56 00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:31,500 You must drop in sometime. 57 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:33,760 Well, it's awfully kind of you. 58 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:36,540 Awfully kind of you, and I'm afraid I shan't be able to do that because I'm 59 00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:38,200 shortly going to prison. 60 00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:40,040 Oh, really? 61 00:04:41,460 --> 00:04:43,620 Not anywhere in Hendon, I suppose, is it? 62 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:48,840 No, in Guatemala, as a matter of fact. Oh, nothing serious, just a little 63 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:52,640 currency offence I committed when I was over there investigating the discovery 64 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,120 of some man -eating cactus. 65 00:04:54,740 --> 00:04:57,660 You went all the way to Guatemala just to see cactuses? 66 00:04:57,900 --> 00:05:00,450 Mm. Had some rather horrifying adventures, too. 67 00:05:00,670 --> 00:05:04,430 I was nearly trampled to death by a herd of stampeding rogue buffalo. 68 00:05:04,790 --> 00:05:06,010 Oh, just to see cactuses. 69 00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:10,090 Anyhow, I wish I'd known, because, well, they've just had a display of them at 70 00:05:10,090 --> 00:05:11,090 Hendon Central Library. 71 00:05:13,070 --> 00:05:17,130 You know, it's fascinating talking to you, because, well, it's not everyone 72 00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:18,330 that's interested in Hendon. 73 00:05:24,330 --> 00:05:26,390 I'm going to show you something now. 74 00:05:28,170 --> 00:05:31,190 Do you... Have you seen one of these before? 75 00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:32,530 No, I haven't. 76 00:05:32,970 --> 00:05:34,630 Do you know what it is? No, I don't. 77 00:05:35,930 --> 00:05:37,830 It's a Tibetan prayer shawl. 78 00:05:38,350 --> 00:05:40,330 Do you know how I got hold of it? No, I don't. 79 00:05:42,070 --> 00:05:47,470 It was given to me by the chief slave girl of the high commander of the 80 00:05:47,470 --> 00:05:52,090 army. She was a ravishing beauty with dark hair like a raven's wings. 81 00:05:52,570 --> 00:05:55,150 During the feast of Ramzi Tati... 82 00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:00,220 The all -powerful god of love, when they sacrificed 10 ,000 bullocks on the 83 00:06:00,220 --> 00:06:06,340 mountainside, she crept into my tent. She filled it with a delicious 84 00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:11,800 Her tribal robes slipped from her shoulder and her dark hair cascaded over 85 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:12,800 pale skin. 86 00:06:13,780 --> 00:06:15,560 And she climbed into my bed. 87 00:06:16,860 --> 00:06:17,860 Really? 88 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,080 She came from Hendon. 89 00:06:32,270 --> 00:06:38,370 Have no combs. Heave away, haul away. Comb their hair with catfish bones and 90 00:06:38,370 --> 00:06:39,910 we're bound for Australia. 91 00:06:40,570 --> 00:06:42,950 Stretch your backs and haul away. 92 00:06:43,350 --> 00:06:45,510 Heave away, haul away. 93 00:06:46,850 --> 00:06:51,330 We'll make pot and take our pay and we're bound for Australia. 94 00:06:52,030 --> 00:06:56,110 Heave away, my bully, bully boys. Heave away, heave away. 95 00:06:57,010 --> 00:07:01,150 Heave away and don't you make a noise and we're bound for Australia. 96 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:08,860 Bully, bully, boys, heave away, heave away, heave away, and don't you make a 97 00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:11,240 noise, am I bound for Australia? 98 00:07:32,270 --> 00:07:39,010 Spring is a -comin' and soon I'll be gone. But I'll come back, don't you 99 00:07:39,010 --> 00:07:41,710 cry, my dear Marianne. 100 00:07:44,990 --> 00:07:51,630 Oh, don't you see the pretty turtle dove that flies from pine 101 00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:52,650 to pine? 102 00:08:08,110 --> 00:08:14,410 The lobster dies in a boiling pot. Oh, pity the bluefish too. 103 00:08:15,070 --> 00:08:22,030 Yet they're quickly gone and they suffer not. Like the hake I bear 104 00:08:22,030 --> 00:08:28,630 for you, my dear Mary. Ten thousand miles away from home. 105 00:08:28,910 --> 00:08:32,010 Ten thousand miles or more. 106 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,100 to thee, Marianne. 107 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:56,240 Fare thee well, my dear Marianne. Our days have all gone 108 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:57,240 by. 109 00:08:58,060 --> 00:09:02,400 Spring is a -coming and soon I'll be gone. 110 00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:05,640 But I'll come back, don't you cry. 111 00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:18,790 you cry, my dear Mary 112 00:09:18,790 --> 00:09:22,330 Ann. 113 00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:43,700 Compose the toast to the bride and groom. 114 00:09:45,220 --> 00:09:49,140 These two young people are the full flower of our love. 115 00:09:51,060 --> 00:09:57,960 I know... I know that Arthur has made a good father. Will make a good 116 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:58,960 father. 117 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,840 Has the past three months, the next six months, the future. 118 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:05,040 Your show. 119 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,260 He brings to us love, respect. 120 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:12,600 and an income of six thousand, an income with which to support her. And he has 121 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:16,620 already shown that he can put her in the family way. 122 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:22,580 The family way of life to which she is being accustomed. 123 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:27,440 And we drink to Arthur, as he's always drunk, to us. 124 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:35,100 And my lady wife and myself consider ourselves well rid of any fears 125 00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:36,960 we may have had in the past. 126 00:10:40,980 --> 00:10:46,040 Ever since our Alice brought him home, he's had it away. 127 00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:47,400 He's had it away. 128 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:55,140 He's had it away with him, which has endeared himself to us. 129 00:10:55,380 --> 00:11:01,540 I'm so glad he's agreed to marry Alice, as she was expecting him to. 130 00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:12,930 young people, all with all the birds, all with all the birds of parent, 131 00:11:13,690 --> 00:11:14,930 married, married life. 132 00:11:15,810 --> 00:11:17,970 She's absolutely full of hope. 133 00:11:20,950 --> 00:11:23,150 And I'm sure it'll come out all right. 134 00:11:25,190 --> 00:11:31,890 And him, him, known, known and reviled, revered in the neighborhood, a man as 135 00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:37,690 substance than lechery, lechery, lechery, lecturing at the college this 136 00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:39,480 And that's not all. 137 00:11:39,940 --> 00:11:46,100 May we raise our glasses for much success to offer with the bridesmaid. As 138 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,100 ambulance, 139 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:53,920 as the car waits to rush her to the maternity, to their maternal home. 140 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:58,520 In conclusion, your mother and I wish you a happy and secret honeymoon. 141 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,580 May you thoroughly enjoy your confinement. 142 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:34,220 In the previous chapter, dear long -suffering reader, I recounted my 143 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:38,280 at Doomsday Hall and how I fell into the clutches of Lord Doomsday and his evil 144 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:43,080 butler, my escape from certain death, and my chance meeting with Mr. Samuel 145 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,260 Goldberg from the United States of America. 146 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:52,100 Little did I know that within the week I would be bound for the New World to 147 00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:56,000 take part in Mr. Goldberg's latest cinematograph production, which was to 148 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,940 the famous Donald Fairchild, Jr. 149 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,620 And what a strange, bustling world it was. 150 00:13:03,940 --> 00:13:08,340 I had hardly time to breathe before I was put to work as a slave girl in the 151 00:13:08,340 --> 00:13:11,060 orgy scene of a film called Belshazzar's Feet. 152 00:13:16,980 --> 00:13:20,060 Most of me, however, finished up on the cutting room floor. 153 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:27,000 Well, that's about it, Henrietta. 154 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,060 What do you think? Weren't you great? 155 00:13:29,340 --> 00:13:32,700 Well, you didn't... You see very much of me, Mr. Goldberg. I wouldn't say that, 156 00:13:32,780 --> 00:13:34,540 honey. I thought we saw plenty of you. 157 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:39,580 Well, got you in the studio. At least you know now what a lot looks like. Yep, 158 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:40,600 sure do. 159 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,660 Pay no attention, Henrietta. The bum's nuts. 160 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,600 I'll go get that contract. Sooner we get you signed up, the better. 161 00:13:48,940 --> 00:13:51,220 So now you're an actress, Henrietta, we ought to celebrate. 162 00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:53,100 What say you have dinner with me tonight, eh? 163 00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:56,740 Wonderful. All right, seven o 'clock at your place. And remember, don't put too 164 00:13:56,740 --> 00:13:59,220 much salt in the potatoes, eh? Oh, dear, but what... Mr. 165 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:03,720 Goldberg would mind. Who, Sam? No, he always has dinner about six o 'clock. 166 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,920 again about eight o 'clock and then ten o 'clock and then midnight. 167 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:07,119 Oh, dear. 168 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,740 No, I don't think I'd better come without him. Why not? 169 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,600 Two's company, three's a crowd. 170 00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:13,280 Or in your case, two's a crowd. 171 00:14:14,340 --> 00:14:15,340 Sit down, dear. 172 00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:17,240 Sit down and take the weight off your chest. 173 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:23,040 And so, I had secured my first contract in my new career. 174 00:14:23,700 --> 00:14:26,760 I was the star opposite the great Donald Fairchild, Jr. 175 00:14:31,850 --> 00:14:33,430 tricks of the trade that had to be learned. 176 00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:36,630 Because, 177 00:14:38,130 --> 00:14:41,930 dear reader, in the world of Telluloid, things are not always what they seem. 178 00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:55,270 And I'm afraid my inexperience was the cause of several minor setbacks. 179 00:15:01,450 --> 00:15:05,830 little problems, Sam was extremely helpful and always remained perfectly 180 00:15:10,970 --> 00:15:15,230 In fact, he more than anyone taught me many of the basic requirements of the 181 00:15:15,230 --> 00:15:19,190 actress's art, including the special style of walking which is adopted when 182 00:15:19,190 --> 00:15:20,190 filming. 183 00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:40,330 Honey, that was fine, but you're too slow. You've got to crisp it up, move it 184 00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:41,670 on, make it exciting. 185 00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:42,930 You know what I mean? 186 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,110 I'll show you. 187 00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:15,830 The very next week, we started work on the film itself. 188 00:16:16,890 --> 00:16:21,590 It was to be a serial in 12 episodes, entitled The Trials of Henrietta. 189 00:16:22,230 --> 00:16:25,010 You can imagine how nervous I was that first morning. 190 00:16:25,390 --> 00:16:28,410 But Sam, as always, was full of confidence. 191 00:16:29,830 --> 00:16:32,910 You reckon you're going to be all right, honey? 192 00:16:33,150 --> 00:16:37,050 Well, I'll do my best, Sam. Sure you will, kid, sure you will. But this train 193 00:16:37,050 --> 00:16:38,770 sequence could be tricky, you know. 194 00:16:39,010 --> 00:16:41,410 Flowers for Miss Beckett, flowers for Miss Beckett. 195 00:16:41,610 --> 00:16:42,559 I'm Miss Beckett. 196 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,980 Really? You surprised me. 197 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,120 I've been looking for you all over, and you certainly are all over. 198 00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:49,320 Are these mine? 199 00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:52,180 No, they're mine, but I've finished them so you can have them. 200 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,560 Good luck, Cleary. Do you know your part? 201 00:16:54,820 --> 00:16:57,600 I hope so. I've been up all night going through the actions. 202 00:16:57,820 --> 00:16:58,820 Who's the lucky guy? 203 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,119 Listen, lover boy, why don't you go take a shower? 204 00:17:04,339 --> 00:17:07,780 I can't. The water's too cold. Well, leave your overcoat on. 205 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,199 Now, listen, honey. 206 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,480 Excuse me, Mr. Goldberg. What is it, Harry? 207 00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:15,180 That girl. The one who was going to stand in for Miss Beckett in the train 208 00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:16,980 sequence. She can't make it. She had an accident. 209 00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:20,420 What kind of an accident? She fell off the bed and strained her back. Who's the 210 00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:21,420 lucky guy? 211 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:27,040 I'm sorry, Mr. Goldberg. Why, are you in? Look, ignore this bum, Harry. Tell 212 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:29,180 I'll be out there in five minutes. Okay, Mr. Goldberg. 213 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,559 Home record? 214 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,520 What does this mean? Can't we go ahead? 215 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,600 Well, now, that's up to you, isn't it, Henrietta? 216 00:17:36,110 --> 00:17:40,770 I mean, the crew's waiting, the camera's waiting, I'm waiting, the picture's 217 00:17:40,770 --> 00:17:41,770 waiting to be made. 218 00:17:42,010 --> 00:17:46,490 Now all we need is a pretty girl to go out and climb on the top of that train. 219 00:17:47,310 --> 00:17:48,810 What do you say, Henrietta? 220 00:17:49,170 --> 00:17:50,170 You mean me? 221 00:17:50,750 --> 00:17:52,290 Oh, you don't have to do it. 222 00:17:52,510 --> 00:17:56,710 There's nothing in your contract to say you've got to go out there and save the 223 00:17:56,710 --> 00:18:01,970 picture. To save me from certain ruin if I don't bring the film in on schedule. 224 00:18:02,730 --> 00:18:05,370 But what there is, is a public. 225 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:12,700 The great American public and each and every one of us owes a duty to them. 226 00:18:13,140 --> 00:18:14,440 They're our livelihood. 227 00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:17,380 They're our bread and butter. They're our coffee and donuts. 228 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,340 There are certain things that they need. 229 00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:26,680 Things that they have come to expect in the few short years that the motion 230 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,840 picture industry has been in existence. 231 00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:31,460 Things to dream about. 232 00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:33,740 Things to lean on. 233 00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:37,610 And you've got those things, Henry. 234 00:18:39,190 --> 00:18:44,370 You've got them and you can't afford to hold them back. The public must be given 235 00:18:44,370 --> 00:18:45,910 the benefit of those things. 236 00:18:46,230 --> 00:18:49,450 You must fill the screen with them, share them with the world. 237 00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:56,370 You cannot deny the people those wonderful things that you have to offer. 238 00:18:57,170 --> 00:19:03,190 Because without those things, motion pictures can't survive. 239 00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:07,570 Will you do it for America? 240 00:19:08,870 --> 00:19:09,870 Very well, Sam. 241 00:19:11,590 --> 00:19:13,250 I knew you wouldn't let me down. 242 00:19:15,270 --> 00:19:18,070 I'll go tell Farnell to sit up. 243 00:19:23,030 --> 00:19:24,150 Atta girl, sweetie. 244 00:19:24,710 --> 00:19:26,890 Incidentally, your legs are pretty nice, too. 245 00:19:28,470 --> 00:19:33,010 And so, with all too little preparation, I was plunged into that terrifying 246 00:19:33,010 --> 00:19:34,250 first day of shooting. 247 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,460 on the film that was to make me a star. 248 00:19:40,420 --> 00:19:45,660 And I must say that Donald Fairchild Jr., for all his joking off the set, 249 00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:48,820 beautifully moving performance as Dick, my railroad lover. 250 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:29,520 Now the moment had arrived. 251 00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:31,540 I had to climb on top of the train. 252 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,640 It was at this moment that I thanked heaven for Captain Pointer, my riding 253 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:36,740 instructor back in England. 254 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,320 It was he who had taught me the importance of gripping with the knees. 255 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,660 Luckily, I was not afraid of heights. 256 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,940 My main concern was that my hat would not blow off. 257 00:21:19,310 --> 00:21:20,810 All went smoothly for a time. 258 00:21:21,110 --> 00:21:25,050 Mr Fairchild, Jr., who was a marvellous athlete, boarded the train successfully. 259 00:21:33,930 --> 00:21:36,970 And then, dear reader, came my first big mistake. 260 00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:40,490 I could not remember which half of the train was to fall off the bridge. 261 00:21:42,210 --> 00:21:44,890 Heavens! Was it the front half with the engine? 262 00:21:46,390 --> 00:21:48,070 Or was it the last few coaches? 263 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,640 I had to make up my mind in a split second. 264 00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:55,100 No, I was quite sure it was the rear coaches that would have plunged over the 265 00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:56,100 bridge if it collapsed. 266 00:21:56,180 --> 00:21:57,460 The engine would be safe. 267 00:21:58,180 --> 00:21:59,560 I decided to stay put. 268 00:22:02,580 --> 00:22:04,760 And it turned out I was wrong. 269 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:15,560 Is this finally the end of Henrietta? Can she survive certain death? 270 00:22:16,010 --> 00:22:21,630 Be sure to watch next week's exciting episode of The Trials of Henrietta. 271 00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:37,190 Can I 272 00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:38,190 help you, sir? 273 00:22:38,830 --> 00:22:39,830 Yes. 274 00:22:41,390 --> 00:22:42,830 Cocktail dresses, please. 275 00:22:43,130 --> 00:22:44,130 Oh, certainly, sir. 276 00:22:44,250 --> 00:22:45,670 What size is your wife? 277 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,080 Well, it isn't for my wife. It's for me. 278 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:50,719 For you? 279 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,840 Yes, I'm about an 18, I think. 280 00:22:53,180 --> 00:22:55,580 Anything but blue. Blue doesn't really suit me. 281 00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:59,580 Yes, well, I'll just fetch the manager, sir. He'll deal with you. 282 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,460 No, no, it's all right. I don't need to see the manager. I'll just browse 283 00:23:02,460 --> 00:23:06,300 through the frocks, if I may. I'm sorry, sir. I'm strictly forbidden to serve 284 00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:07,820 gentlemen with ladies' dresses. 285 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,040 It's a rule of the management. Well, it's only for fancy dress. 286 00:23:11,340 --> 00:23:12,700 Oh, yes, that's what they all say. 287 00:23:13,260 --> 00:23:15,000 There's a lot of your sort come in here. 288 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,280 Mr. Bullard? 289 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,980 Who do you mean, my sort? I've got my orders. The manager deals with this sort 290 00:23:20,980 --> 00:23:21,980 of thing. Mr. 291 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:23,320 Bullard? Yes? 292 00:23:23,340 --> 00:23:26,160 There's another of these fellas here wanting a cocktail dress. 293 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,980 Oh, I'll attend to him. What sort of thing was it you had? 294 00:23:59,660 --> 00:24:00,660 Look at you. 295 00:26:31,180 --> 00:26:33,080 Thank you, Tina Charles, and good evening. 296 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,260 Now... Well, 297 00:26:37,300 --> 00:26:41,440 it's one way of starting, isn't it? Every week, you know, every week, 298 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,040 of viewers write to me. 299 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,199 Let's be honest. 300 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,600 Every week, nobody writes to me. 301 00:26:47,180 --> 00:26:49,240 To me, a pool's coupon is a fan letter. 302 00:26:50,580 --> 00:26:54,580 I get letters addressed, to whom it may concern, from my mother. 303 00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:59,460 But this morning, I did receive a fan letter. 304 00:27:00,879 --> 00:27:03,240 These are actually mostly begging letters. 305 00:27:03,980 --> 00:27:05,480 They belong to Ronnie Barker. 306 00:27:06,380 --> 00:27:08,000 And he asked me to post them for him. 307 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:15,060 This one's rather interesting. This is a magazine that wants to do my life 308 00:27:15,060 --> 00:27:19,340 story. So those of you who are still taking the North Scottish Ironmonger and 309 00:27:19,340 --> 00:27:21,660 Fifeshire Foundryman are in for a rare treat. 310 00:27:22,940 --> 00:27:27,400 And here is a summons my wife got last week for parking on the pavement. 311 00:27:28,149 --> 00:27:32,210 Actually, she didn't park on the pavement. She was overtaking a bus on 312 00:27:32,210 --> 00:27:33,450 side and she ran out of petrol. 313 00:27:35,730 --> 00:27:40,830 I can't find the letter I'm looking for, actually, but I do remember one of the 314 00:27:40,830 --> 00:27:45,650 more erotic passages where it said, you're always joking about your married 315 00:27:45,650 --> 00:27:47,530 life. Are you really married? 316 00:27:47,890 --> 00:27:51,430 Well, for heaven's sake, Chunky of North Wilsdon. 317 00:27:53,510 --> 00:27:56,770 Sure. Surely you don't think I got like this on my own, do you? 318 00:27:57,670 --> 00:28:01,750 No, to be serious, I have been actually, I have been very happily married for, 319 00:28:01,810 --> 00:28:04,610 oh, hell of a long time. 320 00:28:05,750 --> 00:28:12,090 I always say that it was a very lucky day for me when I met, um, met, um, 321 00:28:12,090 --> 00:28:12,609 her name? 322 00:28:12,610 --> 00:28:16,770 I, no, we actually, we actually met one day when I was watching our local 323 00:28:16,770 --> 00:28:17,770 football team. 324 00:28:17,810 --> 00:28:21,290 And I'll always remember my first words to Anne, Anne, that's it. 325 00:28:21,590 --> 00:28:22,990 Amazing how it comes back, isn't it? 326 00:28:24,220 --> 00:28:26,520 I'll always remember my first words to her. 327 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:28,600 Call yourself a bleeding goalkeeper. 328 00:28:31,540 --> 00:28:37,200 A quick toilet roll on the back of the head and we'll never look back. 329 00:28:38,860 --> 00:28:44,880 No, actually, we had a bad game that day. We lost 8 -0 to Guy's Hospital. 330 00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:46,840 Out of patience. 331 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:52,060 I'm sure I'm going to be sorry for this all in the morning, I can tell. It was 332 00:28:52,060 --> 00:28:53,680 bad enough last week because I went home. 333 00:28:54,090 --> 00:28:55,290 Last week I went home. 334 00:28:55,490 --> 00:29:00,210 Well, it seemed a good idea at the time. And my wife was so upset because 335 00:29:00,210 --> 00:29:05,390 apparently the lady next door had a very upsetting time with the little boy. She 336 00:29:05,390 --> 00:29:09,130 was listening to a little boy saying his prayers, you know, some nights ago. And 337 00:29:09,130 --> 00:29:12,890 the little boy said all his prayers, and he ended up with God bless mummy, God 338 00:29:12,890 --> 00:29:15,590 bless daddy, and goodbye granddad. 339 00:29:16,890 --> 00:29:21,930 Well, the very next day, her 93 -year -old father dropped dead. 340 00:29:23,060 --> 00:29:25,140 while playing a trial for Queen's Park Rangers. 341 00:29:26,980 --> 00:29:30,320 Now, it was a bit of a blow for her and a terrible shock for Queen's Park 342 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:31,320 Rangers, I don't like that. 343 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,900 So they thought, we'll listen to the prayers the next night. You see, for the 344 00:29:34,900 --> 00:29:38,540 next night, little boy said all his prayers and he ended up with God bless 345 00:29:38,540 --> 00:29:41,880 Mummy, God bless Daddy, and goodbye, Uncle Angus. 346 00:29:42,300 --> 00:29:48,360 Well, the very next day, Uncle Angus, you've guessed it, Uncle Angus is 347 00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:50,420 in a vat of whiskey in a distillery. 348 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:52,900 Now, it was a very quick end. 349 00:29:53,700 --> 00:29:56,180 It would have been quicker if he hadn't got out twice to go to the loo. 350 00:29:59,980 --> 00:30:06,960 So he thought... So he thought, we'll listen to the prayers the third night. 351 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,620 You see, so the third night he says all his prayers and he ends up with God 352 00:30:09,620 --> 00:30:11,620 bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy. 353 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,820 Well, his Daddy, of course, couldn't believe it. Asked the little boy to say 354 00:30:15,820 --> 00:30:18,080 prayers again in case he was ad -libbing. 355 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:20,800 No, he wasn't. 356 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,820 God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy. So the next morning at breakfast, the wife 357 00:30:23,820 --> 00:30:27,160 said to her husband, now, be careful. All today, be particularly careful. 358 00:30:27,700 --> 00:30:30,440 Remember that warning and take great care. He came back at tea time, the 359 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,400 husband, he said, oh, what a day I've had. He said, I've been so nervous, 360 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,440 frightened to cross the road, frightened to drive the car, frightened to go up 361 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:39,600 in the lift, really terrified all the time of thinking of that little voice 362 00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:41,600 saying, God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy. 363 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:44,520 He said to his wife, what kind of day did you have? She said, terrible. 364 00:30:44,900 --> 00:30:46,300 What a shock I had this morning. 365 00:30:46,620 --> 00:30:49,100 Opened the front door and there, dead on the mat, was the milkman. 366 00:30:58,380 --> 00:31:00,320 Good morning. What, isn't it? Sit down. 367 00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:04,300 No need to bother. Stand up. Good heavens, is that the time? By Jove, I am 368 00:31:04,300 --> 00:31:06,340 busy man. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about? 369 00:31:07,220 --> 00:31:10,500 Well, I understand you've come to apply for the job of assistant sales manager. 370 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:13,280 Quite right, quite correct. That's the sort of thing I want to hear. You're a 371 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,980 very bright lad. You keep that sort of thing up, I'll play ball with you, you 372 00:31:15,980 --> 00:31:16,980 play ball with me. 373 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:19,140 Yes. Well, could I have your name, please? 374 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:20,400 Very good question. 375 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:23,420 Absolutely straight down the middle, accurate and to the point. That is the 376 00:31:23,420 --> 00:31:26,440 of thinking that British business needs today. Know who you're talking to, know 377 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,480 what you're talking about, know what you're going to say next. That is the 378 00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:30,840 of thing. That way we're going to get somewhere. 379 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,240 Yes. Well, could I have it then, please? Jenkins. 380 00:31:33,460 --> 00:31:34,680 Ah, thank you, Mr. Jenkins. 381 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:35,960 Well, now, let me see. 382 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:40,700 Now, while you're trying to phrase that question, I will look through... 383 00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,580 If I can find them in here, I will look through... Here they are. I will look 384 00:31:44,580 --> 00:31:47,920 through and just finish the breakdown of the sales returns I've got to work on. 385 00:31:48,020 --> 00:31:50,740 Can't waste too much time. Let me know when you're ready. 386 00:31:53,140 --> 00:31:54,920 What... And complete. 387 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:56,240 There we are. 388 00:31:56,500 --> 00:31:57,500 Oh, 389 00:31:57,820 --> 00:31:58,799 you're still here. Yes. 390 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:03,240 What was it you wanted to say? What qualifications do you have, Mr. 391 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:04,240 please? Qualifications? 392 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:07,840 Oh, I think you'd better see my secretary about that, if you don't mind. 393 00:32:10,159 --> 00:32:11,500 Judith? Yes, sir? 394 00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:14,240 Could you bring in the qualifications, please? 395 00:32:14,940 --> 00:32:15,940 Thank you. 396 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:17,480 Now, where were we? 397 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:21,000 Well, it says here in your application form that you spent six years... Ah, 398 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,620 thank you. Would you mind showing the qualifications to the gentleman over 399 00:32:23,620 --> 00:32:25,520 there? Thank you very much. Six years in rubber wear. 400 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:29,340 Thank you very much. Thank you very much. 401 00:32:29,780 --> 00:32:32,080 She's marvellous. I don't know where I'd be without you. No. 402 00:32:32,380 --> 00:32:35,820 Sorry, you were saying? These six years you spent in rubber wear... Yes. Good 403 00:32:35,820 --> 00:32:37,240 heavens. Good heavens. 404 00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:38,560 Is that the time? 405 00:32:39,210 --> 00:32:40,210 Yes. Yes. 406 00:32:40,410 --> 00:32:43,550 These six years you spent in... I wonder if you'd mind very much if I made a 407 00:32:43,550 --> 00:32:46,970 telephone call. In the rubber... Oh, all right, yes. Thank you very much. Now, 408 00:32:46,990 --> 00:32:50,250 these six... Yes, carry on. These six years you spent in Rubberwell... Yes, 409 00:32:50,250 --> 00:32:54,410 carry on. What exactly was your... Well, I would... Hello, excuse me. What 410 00:32:54,410 --> 00:32:57,550 exactly was your position in Rubberwell? Could I speak to the mayor, please? 411 00:32:57,550 --> 00:32:58,550 Could I speak to the mayor, please? 412 00:32:58,630 --> 00:33:01,810 What sort of position were you in? 413 00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:08,760 Six years is a long time to be in rubber wear. 414 00:33:10,260 --> 00:33:12,280 I'm going to be a trifle late. 415 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,040 Why don't you carry on without me? 416 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,260 In rubber wear? Yes, 417 00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:26,140 she's very well. How is your wife? What position is this? What 418 00:33:26,140 --> 00:33:27,140 is your rubber wear? 419 00:33:28,830 --> 00:33:32,310 Well, I'll be along then. Yes, quite, I understand. Yes, all right then. Bye 420 00:33:32,310 --> 00:33:37,630 -bye. I'm awfully sorry about that. Now, I'm yours entirely now. Basically, Mr. 421 00:33:37,770 --> 00:33:40,850 Jenkinson, I'm not quite convinced that you have the exact qualities... Go on. 422 00:33:41,950 --> 00:33:45,990 The exact qualities that we in the textile... Excuse me a minute. 423 00:33:46,390 --> 00:33:47,209 Yes, Judith? 424 00:33:47,210 --> 00:33:50,440 Mr. Thompson to see you. Oh, dear. He's been waiting to see me all morning. 425 00:33:51,180 --> 00:33:52,460 We'd better show him in. Show him in. 426 00:33:54,380 --> 00:33:58,100 I'm not exactly... I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. 427 00:33:58,500 --> 00:34:00,160 Would you like to have a seat, thank you? 428 00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:07,520 I understand that you wish to 429 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:08,860 apply for a job. 430 00:34:09,139 --> 00:34:10,719 Yes, that's right. I understand. 431 00:34:11,179 --> 00:34:13,460 Do you, for instance... Just a moment. 432 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:14,800 What? 433 00:34:15,190 --> 00:34:19,630 Do you have the necessary European market experience, for instance? 434 00:34:19,850 --> 00:34:22,690 Oh, good heavens, yes. I was in rubber in Munich for a number of years. Yes, I 435 00:34:22,690 --> 00:34:24,929 knew you were in rubber. That's what I'm trying to find out, you see. If you 436 00:34:24,929 --> 00:34:28,050 were in rubber... Have you any previous shop floor experience? 437 00:34:28,850 --> 00:34:31,690 Oh, yes. I spent six years in hardware. 438 00:34:32,030 --> 00:34:33,030 Rubber. Rubber. 439 00:34:33,230 --> 00:34:37,389 Rubber. Oh, no, you're in rubber. Now, look, quite frankly, Mr. Jameson, I 440 00:34:37,389 --> 00:34:39,810 think you have the necessary qualities... Sounds very promising. 441 00:34:40,010 --> 00:34:43,630 Sounds promising. Very promising. Well, look, I refuse to carry on this 442 00:34:43,630 --> 00:34:44,630 interview any longer. 443 00:34:45,070 --> 00:34:46,130 Well, I was also in eggs. 444 00:34:46,370 --> 00:34:48,070 Ah, yes, I can see that here. 445 00:34:48,650 --> 00:34:51,290 I can see that. It's going to be very useful. I'm sorry we're going to have to 446 00:34:51,290 --> 00:34:55,290 rush you out a bit, because we're rather short on time, but it'd be nice to have 447 00:34:55,290 --> 00:34:59,630 met you, and I hope we'll see you soon joining the firm. Thank you. Thank you 448 00:34:59,630 --> 00:35:00,549 very much. 449 00:35:00,550 --> 00:35:01,830 Goodbye. Look, 450 00:35:03,290 --> 00:35:05,930 Mr. Jameson, quite frankly, if you're going to carry on in this manner, 451 00:35:05,930 --> 00:35:07,590 only one thing I can say to you, and that's goodbye. 452 00:35:07,990 --> 00:35:11,230 Goodbye. Very nice to have met you. I wish I could say the same to you, but I 453 00:35:11,230 --> 00:35:12,330 can't. Thank you. 454 00:35:13,740 --> 00:35:14,740 Thank you. 455 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:17,780 Oh, dear. 456 00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:19,600 I'll never get a job like this. 457 00:36:00,100 --> 00:36:03,820 Well, it's how we do as we welcome you to the short, fat minstrel show. 458 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:07,580 Come and sing along with a minstrel song from the days of long ago. 459 00:36:07,980 --> 00:36:11,660 It's got a time, chorus time, and they always aim to please. 460 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:15,400 So we shut my mouth to the grand old sound, bring you grand old songs like 461 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:16,400 these. 462 00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:25,680 Oh, Raquel Welch, I love your left doodah, doodah. I sit and think of 463 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:27,140 left doodah all the day. 464 00:36:27,710 --> 00:36:31,050 Is it better than the ride? It's very hard to say. 465 00:36:31,290 --> 00:36:34,850 But that's the one that'll get my vote on National Doodah Day. 466 00:36:39,470 --> 00:36:45,570 Oh, the sun shone down 467 00:36:45,570 --> 00:36:49,210 on my old Kentucky home. 468 00:36:49,930 --> 00:36:52,690 It was summer of beauty. 469 00:37:07,050 --> 00:37:09,170 Breakfast on a train. 470 00:37:10,550 --> 00:37:16,130 Oh, them moody kippers. Oh, them moody kippers. This revolting grub, I cried. 471 00:37:16,390 --> 00:37:19,770 Take it off my plate. Oh, them moody kippers. 472 00:37:19,990 --> 00:37:24,370 Oh, them moody kippers. Those remarks of mine my bride did not appreciate. 473 00:37:28,110 --> 00:37:31,930 But she slashed me and she slashed me and she slashed me black and blue. 474 00:37:32,380 --> 00:37:36,760 She stomped me and she knocked me and she knocked me in the loo. She strangled 475 00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:39,200 me and mangled me and then before I knew... 476 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:28,020 still show to see. But a curtain time to our surprise, the show turned out to 477 00:38:28,020 --> 00:38:31,780 be. Oh, Calcutta, I'm sure you won't confess. 478 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:35,700 I saw three topless waitresses walk out in disgust. 479 00:38:43,020 --> 00:38:47,420 Play something on your swan. 480 00:40:17,710 --> 00:40:20,050 © BF 481 00:40:20,050 --> 00:40:26,490 -WATCH TV 2021 482 00:40:47,530 --> 00:40:51,310 We'll be right back. 483 00:41:48,750 --> 00:41:50,490 You'll find the jokes ain't funny. 484 00:42:25,450 --> 00:42:30,930 plucking banjo as we say farewell to the short and fat minstrel show we'd like 485 00:42:30,930 --> 00:42:34,650 to thank Weight Watchers Anonymous and Tall Girls Limited for allowing us to 486 00:42:34,650 --> 00:42:38,750 their rejects for the chorus line and finally of course the man who more than 487 00:42:38,750 --> 00:42:42,370 anybody is responsible for our being here tonight the conductor 488 00:43:04,170 --> 00:43:05,170 I want to be 489 00:43:37,670 --> 00:43:39,310 Thank you. That's all for this week. 490 00:43:39,830 --> 00:43:45,150 Next week, we'll examine the row over excessive consumption of sugar at the 491 00:43:45,150 --> 00:43:48,790 Football Association and ask, does it mean sweet F .A.? 492 00:43:48,790 --> 00:43:52,310 And 493 00:43:52,310 --> 00:43:59,110 in our series on Do It Yourself, 494 00:43:59,170 --> 00:44:02,370 we'll be talking to Horace Newman, the father and mother of three children. 495 00:44:05,180 --> 00:44:09,500 We'll be showing an excerpt from a new film which combines the colour of an 496 00:44:09,500 --> 00:44:13,680 exotic Asian setting, the excitement of championship table tennis, plus music, 497 00:44:13,720 --> 00:44:18,040 sex and horror. And it's called I Played Ping -Pong and Had a Sing -Song and a 498 00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:19,040 Ding -Dong with King Kong. 499 00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:30,180 And we'll be showing the highlights of a big charity ball in which well -known 500 00:44:30,180 --> 00:44:32,740 personalities did the things that they liked doing most. 501 00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:37,180 And Jimmy Tarbuck told some jokes, David Nixon did some magic, Val Dunican sang, 502 00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:38,960 and Christopher Lee strangled a waiter. 503 00:44:40,960 --> 00:44:45,760 And now, it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight. 504 00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:47,160 Goodnight.