1 00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:28,280 Good evening, and it's nice to be back with you for the last show of the 2 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,160 series, isn't it, Ron? Yes, it is very nice indeed. 3 00:00:30,510 --> 00:00:33,190 Well, it's not nice that it's the last one of the series, but it's very nice to 4 00:00:33,190 --> 00:00:34,250 be back with you for it. 5 00:00:34,650 --> 00:00:38,170 And as it's the last show, we've got some special items for you. We've got 6 00:00:38,170 --> 00:00:40,450 mass pipes of the National Federation of Tobacconists. 7 00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:46,750 And we'll be talking to Herbert Nudge, a retired goldfish breeder, who's been 8 00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:49,690 appointed head of a committee to solve the pollution problem in the English 9 00:00:49,690 --> 00:00:53,570 Channel, and he's told reporters that his first job will be to see that the 10 00:00:53,570 --> 00:00:55,110 waters change three times a week. 11 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:57,690 And now the news. 12 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,880 A man who blindfolds policemen and steals their spectacles struck again in 13 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:02,859 Putney tonight. 14 00:01:02,860 --> 00:01:05,200 Police are groping for a tall man in a grey raincoat. 15 00:01:07,060 --> 00:01:13,440 And the world's greatest jigsaw puzzle designer was divorced today after his 16 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,660 wife had found he was keeping a piece on the side. 17 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:22,940 Thieves broke into a warehouse today and stole a lorry containing 14 tonnes of 18 00:01:22,940 --> 00:01:23,658 butter and eggs. 19 00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:26,160 The lorry later collided with a milk float on the A24. 20 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,900 Police are now looking for two men driving a 40 -foot omelette. 21 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:35,760 And now, now the weather. 22 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,040 Here are today's temperature recordings. 23 00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:39,740 Birmingham, 78. 24 00:01:40,020 --> 00:01:41,220 London, 72. 25 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,020 Manchester, 75. 26 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:44,620 Liverpool, 80. 27 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,460 And Liverpool go on to meet Birmingham in the final. 28 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:53,400 Mr Heath today announced the currency changes that will go into effect when 29 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,660 Britain joins the Common Market. 30 00:01:55,230 --> 00:01:57,530 The pound and the prank will join forces and become the prank. 31 00:02:01,590 --> 00:02:04,890 The lira will join forces with the mark and become the lark. 32 00:02:05,510 --> 00:02:09,210 The gilder will join the fennig and become the filder. There'll be ten 33 00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:12,870 the lark, three larks in the park, six filders to the milder, five squarks to 34 00:02:12,870 --> 00:02:14,310 the splark and three coins to the pundit. 35 00:02:17,110 --> 00:02:18,110 And finally... 36 00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:26,290 Some bad news for Mr. Pompidou. 37 00:02:26,690 --> 00:02:28,110 Mrs. Pompidou don't. 38 00:02:35,810 --> 00:02:36,810 Morning. 39 00:02:37,050 --> 00:02:38,210 Can I give you a second? 40 00:02:38,570 --> 00:02:39,570 Aye. 41 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,690 Well, what's your trouble? 42 00:02:44,070 --> 00:02:47,850 Well, Doctor, it's just that I keep feeling faint. 43 00:02:48,610 --> 00:02:49,770 What do you mean, faint? 44 00:02:50,090 --> 00:02:51,090 Dizzy, do you mean? 45 00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:55,900 No, not really, you know, just faint. I just feel sort of very faint at times. 46 00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,500 All the time, is it? 47 00:02:58,740 --> 00:02:59,740 No, no. 48 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,540 I go all faint for a minute and then I'm all right again. 49 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:06,740 Any other symptoms? 50 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:10,140 Well, I'm getting thinner. My wife says I'm wasting away. 51 00:03:11,220 --> 00:03:16,080 And my mind keeps going blank. I'm not here half the time. 52 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:20,160 Not much for me to go on, is it? 53 00:03:20,540 --> 00:03:22,720 Well, it's a little bit difficult to describe, really. 54 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:26,080 Also, I get this floating feeling. 55 00:03:26,780 --> 00:03:27,780 Oh, really? 56 00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:31,220 Just as if I was floating. 57 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:36,580 Well, the trouble with you is you worry about yourself too much. 58 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:39,880 Either that or you don't like work. 59 00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:46,040 My advice to you is to snap out of it, pull yourself together and come down to 60 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,040 earth. 61 00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:50,020 A lot of your sort come in here, you know. 62 00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:51,680 hoping for a few days off. 63 00:03:52,220 --> 00:03:53,220 I know the type. 64 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,160 I can see right through them. 65 00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,600 So I'd be very much obliged if you'd just push off and stop wasting my time. 66 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,920 Oh, well, if that's the way you feel about it, I'm very happy to hear it. Oh, 67 00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:04,940 good day. 68 00:04:10,060 --> 00:04:14,740 Ah, Angela, I'm making a note on Mr Mill's file. I don't want him in here 69 00:04:14,740 --> 00:04:18,950 wasting my time every week. So if he comes in here saying he feels faint... 70 00:04:18,950 --> 00:04:20,850 him out. He's no more faint than I am. 71 00:04:21,350 --> 00:04:22,450 Where are those paperclips? 72 00:04:22,690 --> 00:04:23,950 Oh, they're here in the drawer. 73 00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:28,970 Oh, and that's another thing. The bromide you gave me last week doesn't 74 00:04:28,970 --> 00:04:29,970 either. 75 00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:06,590 You're gonna make it. 76 00:05:07,990 --> 00:05:10,930 You're gonna make it. 77 00:05:12,410 --> 00:05:19,250 Remember me as the sunny day that you weren't there 78 00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:21,490 along the way. 79 00:05:21,790 --> 00:05:25,330 Day, night, fire, you will. 80 00:06:34,190 --> 00:06:40,750 And my faith, the moment after, denied by 81 00:06:40,750 --> 00:06:41,750 you. 82 00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:54,610 I want to talk to you tonight about statistics. 83 00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:58,410 Or, to put it another way, statistics tonight to talk to you about I want. 84 00:07:59,810 --> 00:08:03,350 A recent survey conducted in Bolton has proved conclusively that ten out of ten 85 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,130 people who live in Bolton live in Bolton. 86 00:08:05,390 --> 00:08:08,150 Although three out of ten people who live in Bolton think they live in 87 00:08:08,150 --> 00:08:11,530 Birmingham. On further questioning, five out of ten people who agreed with us 88 00:08:11,530 --> 00:08:13,010 agreed with us that they agreed with us. 89 00:08:13,670 --> 00:08:16,630 Of the remaining five, five out of ten remained out of the ten from which the 90 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,590 five out of ten who agreed with us that they agreed with us remained. 91 00:08:19,450 --> 00:08:21,410 Or, to put it another way, my dog eats meat. 92 00:08:23,050 --> 00:08:25,590 I eat meat, therefore I eat my dog, and quite the wish as he was. 93 00:08:25,930 --> 00:08:29,310 The mind accepts the logical trap. The logical trap accepts the mind, except 94 00:08:29,310 --> 00:08:30,310 logical mind is such a trap. 95 00:08:30,830 --> 00:08:34,330 What does it all mean? Well, six out of six people, or to put it another way, 96 00:08:34,350 --> 00:08:36,490 seven out of seven, or to really simplify it, one in every one. 97 00:08:36,710 --> 00:08:41,190 And another thing. It takes four hours to get to Luton by elephant, and only 20 98 00:08:41,190 --> 00:08:44,450 minutes by train. There's no question the train is faster. But the elephant's 99 00:08:44,450 --> 00:08:45,450 got a restaurant car. 100 00:08:46,770 --> 00:08:50,130 Or, to put it another way, seven out of ten people believe that margarine 101 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,170 contains more butter than butter. 102 00:08:51,550 --> 00:08:53,350 Four out of every two people choose advertising. 103 00:08:53,790 --> 00:08:56,390 Commercials show that nine out of ten people in white coats are actors, and 104 00:08:56,390 --> 00:08:57,530 three out of four actors choose work. 105 00:08:58,010 --> 00:09:02,590 Or, to put it another way, 28 % of the population do the pool, and 72 % of the 106 00:09:02,590 --> 00:09:06,070 population own dogs. This means that 100 % of the population own dogs that do 107 00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:07,070 pools. 108 00:09:11,110 --> 00:09:17,430 Out of 100 football fans, 53 % prefer home wins, 31 % prefer away wins, and 16 109 00:09:17,430 --> 00:09:18,189 prefer draws. 110 00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:19,850 And 98 % prefer no draws. 111 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,620 people with no drawers shouldn't live in glass houses. 112 00:09:27,060 --> 00:09:29,060 Or throw stones at dogs when they're doing their pools. 113 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,060 But what does it all mean? 114 00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:33,900 What does it all mean? Well, three out of ten people think it's rubbish, four 115 00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:37,140 out of ten agreed, two out of ten said no, and one in ten disagreed. And that 116 00:09:37,140 --> 00:09:39,940 one in ten is homosexual, so who cares what she thinks of the stupid old queen? 117 00:09:42,380 --> 00:09:45,860 And what do I think? Well, 35 % of me thinks I'm mad, two out of five of me 118 00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:48,340 disagrees, and nine out of 17 leaves eight. Take away the number you first 119 00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:50,760 thought of, multiply the date by the queen's birthday, and what you're left 120 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:51,760 invariably figure nine. 121 00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:55,000 3 -9 -27 or 9 -9 -9, dial 9 -9 -9 and call me an ambulance. 122 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,020 Three out of ten ambulances are engaged, two out of three of them are married. 123 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,800 Six out of seven of them are on their way to the loony bin, and nine out of 124 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:01,800 of them are full of statistics. 125 00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:05,380 Ninety -nine times out of a hundred, this sketch ends with two men in white 126 00:10:05,380 --> 00:10:07,100 suits carrying me off, and tonight is very good. 127 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:27,560 I'm sure you will recall, dear reader, how in the last chapter I spoke of my 128 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,380 entry into the world of the silver screen. 129 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:34,660 My first assignment was with the great film star, Donald Fairchild, Jr. 130 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:41,700 Who, although small in stature, had, I was told, an enormous attention. 131 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,720 I certainly looked up to him. 132 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,700 Almost immediately I had been given a somewhat difficult role, which through 133 00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:53,860 inexperience I had bungled hopelessly. 134 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:03,900 But fear not, gentle reader, I did not perish. 135 00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:05,920 My dress caught on a tree. 136 00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:13,260 Is that you, Henrietta? 137 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,920 Of course it is. I recognise her underwear. I mean, I recognise her 138 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,120 I heard you the first time. Well, we had supper together the other night, 139 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,180 remember? 140 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,440 Well, don't just stand there. Cut her down. 141 00:11:30,780 --> 00:11:33,060 This will make you sleep better, Miss Berkey. 142 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:34,280 Thank you. 143 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,420 The doctors insisted that I should rest. 144 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:39,780 Although, apart from lots of bumps and bruises, I was uninjured. 145 00:11:40,220 --> 00:11:42,660 Mr Goldberg was constantly at my bedside. 146 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,240 And Mr. Fairchild Jr. 147 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:45,620 was also very attentive. 148 00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:48,880 Henrietta, baby, how are you? 149 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,680 I've got bumps all over me. 150 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,140 Boy, you can say that again. 151 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,960 Hi, Sam, what's the matter? Don't they feed you at home anymore? 152 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,980 I have no home. I thought you lived with your wife. You call that living? 153 00:12:00,540 --> 00:12:03,600 Listen, what got you out of bed so early? Couldn't you keep awake? 154 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:07,140 Come on, Henrietta, I want to carry you off of my magic chauffeur -driven 155 00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:09,920 carpet. Slip into something tight and we'll hit the town. 156 00:12:10,220 --> 00:12:12,520 But, Donald, the doctor says I've got to rest. 157 00:12:12,910 --> 00:12:14,950 Just lie here and let nature take its course. 158 00:12:15,210 --> 00:12:16,590 He's been reading my mail again. 159 00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:19,010 Come on, I want to show you America. 160 00:12:19,310 --> 00:12:20,750 The doctor says she's got to rest. 161 00:12:21,030 --> 00:12:24,090 Oh, Sam, a little of what your fancy does you good. That's what my old mother 162 00:12:24,090 --> 00:12:26,890 used to say. What did your old mother used to say? Drop dead. 163 00:12:27,630 --> 00:12:28,630 And did you? 164 00:12:29,030 --> 00:12:32,490 You really are the retiring type, ain't you? And the sooner the better. 165 00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:35,630 Listen to the press boys out there. I really can't wait to get in here. 166 00:12:35,890 --> 00:12:36,890 Oh, no, Donald. 167 00:12:41,860 --> 00:12:44,640 Don't worry, I'll do all the talking. He means it, he means it. 168 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:45,960 Come on in, boys. 169 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,180 Hiya, Mr. Fairchild. Hello there, Mr. Willowburg. 170 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:54,360 Oh, Miss Beckett. Okay, hold it, hold it now, hold it. Now, listen. Miss 171 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:58,360 Beckett's just had a sedative, so she's kind of drowsy. So take it easy, will 172 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,260 ya? You got five minutes. Okay. 173 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,500 How long have you been in pictures, Miss Beckett? 174 00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:04,340 A week. A week? 175 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,220 Oh, what do you think of that, boys? 176 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:10,190 A real name? No, a real name. name's Abraham Lincoln. We changed it. It 177 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,190 too Jewish. 178 00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:16,990 What's she like to work with, Mr. Fairchild? Absolutely marvelous. You 179 00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:20,070 words, this girl's going right to the top. One of these days, she's going to 180 00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:23,170 as big as I am. What do you mean, one of these days? She's as big as you are 181 00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,170 now. 182 00:13:24,490 --> 00:13:28,730 Only with high heels on. Exactly. When you ain't got your heels on, she's even 183 00:13:28,730 --> 00:13:29,730 bigger. 184 00:13:30,670 --> 00:13:34,730 The interview continued happily enough, and I must say it was a great relief to 185 00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:37,050 me that Donald and Sam were taking charge of the proceedings. 186 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,740 For to tell the truth, I had begun to feel more and more drowsy. 187 00:13:42,060 --> 00:13:43,520 As I said, it took effect. 188 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:47,000 However, I did my best to keep awake. 189 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:50,200 Miss Beckett, would you mind telling us when you were born? 190 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:53,460 When? Yeah, tell us when you were born. 191 00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:56,260 1825. 192 00:13:58,260 --> 00:14:01,380 That's ridiculous, Miss Beckett. That'll make you about 98. 193 00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:03,680 That'll make you about 98. 194 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:05,380 About 98. 195 00:14:05,860 --> 00:14:06,940 About 98. 196 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,600 98. 98. 197 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,160 98. 198 00:14:38,540 --> 00:14:42,080 The little room above the public bar of the Three Crutches Inn, where I had 199 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,700 fallen in with thieves and pickpockets. 200 00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:49,960 And where, exhausted and hungry, I finally lay down and slept. 201 00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:55,820 I lived again those terrible days in prison. 202 00:14:57,260 --> 00:15:02,560 My heart sinking in despair and in turn leaping with joy when told that my 203 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:03,580 release had been secured. 204 00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:06,700 My dear Mr and Mrs McMaster. 205 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,520 My debut as an actress in this celebrated theatrical company. 206 00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:16,020 And the unfortunate affair of the week. 207 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,200 Once again the scene changed. 208 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:26,380 I was in the Crimea with dear Captain Featherstone and well -meaning Corporal 209 00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:29,780 Clark. And I remembered how terrible the conditions had been. 210 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,700 Oh, God, will I never see an end to this accursed mud. 211 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,040 That's custard, sir. 212 00:15:38,890 --> 00:15:40,890 More pictures floated into my mind. 213 00:15:41,130 --> 00:15:43,230 I seemed to be in Paris once again. 214 00:15:46,790 --> 00:15:51,310 I shivered as I remembered that misty morning when two men's lives were at 215 00:15:51,310 --> 00:15:52,370 because of me. 216 00:15:57,570 --> 00:15:59,090 My brain began to whirl. 217 00:15:59,410 --> 00:16:01,770 Strange images floated before my eyes. 218 00:16:02,610 --> 00:16:04,550 A portrait with eyes that moved. 219 00:16:06,290 --> 00:16:07,970 A coffin that walks. 220 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,180 A train. A train that wouldn't stop. 221 00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:17,900 98. 222 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,080 98. 223 00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:22,700 98. 224 00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:25,420 98. 225 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,300 Almost back to normal now, Mr. Beckett. 226 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,940 Feeling better, Henrietta, dear? 227 00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:41,500 Nothing to worry about, don't worry, my dear. You had a little accident, that's 228 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,700 all. An accident? 229 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:47,080 You don't remember, do you? You were out in the fields with Mr. Jinks, and you 230 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,039 fell off him. 231 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:49,040 Oh, I see. 232 00:16:49,060 --> 00:16:50,019 Back to a head. 233 00:16:50,020 --> 00:16:52,600 You'll be right as ninepence in no time. 234 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:54,900 Aren't you going to say hello to Mummy, then? 235 00:16:56,060 --> 00:16:57,060 Hello, Poppy. 236 00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:01,740 Well, 237 00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:05,420 the doctor says we can take you home again, if you're feeling up to it. 238 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,839 What do you say? Tea and toast in front of the fire in the library? 239 00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:14,380 Scrumptious. Oh, is Mr. Pink's all right? Oh, he's all right, yes. Be right 240 00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:17,380 ninepence in no time. Graze one of his hind legs, that's all. 241 00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:19,859 Yes, he'll be back on his milk round on Monday. 242 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:25,940 Well, I'll make myself scared, shall I? While you get your dogs on. Yes, off you 243 00:17:25,940 --> 00:17:27,800 go. Well, well, my dear. 244 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,180 You sure you can cope now? Because you still look a little peaky to me. 245 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,580 Or was it a dream? 246 00:17:38,860 --> 00:17:40,720 It had seemed so very vivid. 247 00:17:42,140 --> 00:17:43,480 One thing was certain. 248 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:47,720 It was a great joy to realise that this was, after all, 1971. 249 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:53,600 That the curtain had at last fallen on all those strange and at times 250 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,600 adventures. 251 00:17:56,720 --> 00:18:00,020 I left the hospital with an overwhelming feeling of relief. 252 00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:02,200 I was going home once more. 253 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:06,540 Home to a life of peace and obscurity. 254 00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:12,160 Did you see that girl? What girl? 255 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,780 She's just what we're looking for for the show. 256 00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:19,240 I didn't see her. 257 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,380 Oh, she had some wonderful attributes. 258 00:18:21,740 --> 00:18:22,900 Be precise. How many? 259 00:18:23,340 --> 00:18:24,340 Two. 260 00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:55,780 I am managing director of a company with a very large export commitment. 261 00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:59,740 I work for a hardware firm with a very large annual turnover. 262 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:03,940 I work for the public health department with a very large shovel. 263 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:11,140 I start work at 9 .30 and finish when I have completed my day's schedule. 264 00:19:11,780 --> 00:19:14,680 I start work at 9 o 'clock and finish when the hooter goes. 265 00:19:15,260 --> 00:19:19,480 I start work at 8 .30 and finish when it gets too dark to see what I'm 266 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:20,480 shoveling. 267 00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:26,180 I work in a large suite of centrally heated air -conditioned offices in the 268 00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:29,720 End. I work in a converted warehouse in Camden Town. 269 00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:34,220 I work in the fresh air, but only when the wind's in the right direction. 270 00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:40,580 Although I am managing director, I must always be on my guard against a younger, 271 00:19:40,660 --> 00:19:43,300 ambitious man usurping my position in the organisation. 272 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:47,640 I, too, have to be on the lookout in case anyone's after my job. 273 00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:50,120 I have to tread carefully and all. 274 00:19:53,830 --> 00:19:58,570 Not counting entertainment and out -of -pocket expenses, I receive an annual 275 00:19:58,570 --> 00:20:01,170 increment of £12 ,000 a year. 276 00:20:01,470 --> 00:20:05,050 I receive an annual increment of £2 ,800 a year. 277 00:20:05,510 --> 00:20:07,850 I don't have anything to do with increments. 278 00:20:09,630 --> 00:20:10,710 Quite the reverse. 279 00:20:16,050 --> 00:20:19,010 We all serve the community in our different ways. 280 00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:23,030 But are we really conscientious enough in our attitude to work? 281 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,720 I have to take a little of my work home with me in order to relieve the pressure 282 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:28,940 on my subordinates. 283 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,440 I take quite a lot of work home, otherwise I'd lose a lot of commission. 284 00:20:33,420 --> 00:20:37,320 I take a load of work home in order. My rhubarb's coming on a treat! 285 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,460 And into his world came a sweet young girl. 286 00:20:55,860 --> 00:20:58,480 And he took her all his bride. 287 00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:02,140 He took her all his bride. 288 00:21:03,140 --> 00:21:06,800 Tom, Tom, turn around. Don't ever let me down. 289 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,920 Don't ever leave my life. 290 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:15,960 Tom, Tom, turn around. Don't ever let me down. Take me for your wife. 291 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,460 Please take me for your wife. 292 00:21:20,910 --> 00:21:26,710 Tom Tom's called away, but his wife's a thing he'd never had to leave before. 293 00:21:27,650 --> 00:21:33,830 Sweet young wife only fears for the good life that she may see no more. 294 00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:37,630 And then he heard her call. 295 00:21:38,770 --> 00:21:42,570 Tom Tom, turn around, don't ever let me down. 296 00:21:42,770 --> 00:21:44,670 Don't ever leave my life. 297 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:51,760 Tom, Tom, turn around, don't ever let me down. You can leave your wife. 298 00:21:52,340 --> 00:21:55,340 No, you can leave your wife. 299 00:21:56,520 --> 00:22:02,660 Tom, Tom returned, but only to learn there was truth in the words he'd 300 00:22:03,500 --> 00:22:07,080 Sweet young wife found a new kind of life. 301 00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:09,860 A strong man's heart was torn. 302 00:22:10,540 --> 00:22:13,500 Will he always hear that call? 303 00:22:14,670 --> 00:22:16,450 Tom, Tom, turn around. 304 00:22:16,670 --> 00:22:20,570 Don't ever let me down. Don't ever leave my life. 305 00:22:21,790 --> 00:22:25,770 Tom, Tom, turn around. Don't ever let me down. 306 00:22:25,990 --> 00:22:27,790 You can't leave your wife. 307 00:22:28,390 --> 00:22:31,450 No, you can't leave your wife. 308 00:22:32,690 --> 00:22:38,790 Tom, Tom's alone in a world of his own when he hears a new voice call. 309 00:22:39,770 --> 00:22:43,270 Be my man. I'll do all that I can. 310 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,160 Is this what he's been waiting for? 311 00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:49,880 Will he turn and answer her call? 312 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:56,860 Tom, Tom, turn around I'll never let you down I'll never leave your life 313 00:22:56,860 --> 00:23:03,700 Tom, Tom, turn around I'll never let you down Take me for your 314 00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:10,500 wife Please take me for your wife Tom, Tom, turn 315 00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:11,500 around 316 00:23:28,430 --> 00:23:34,390 And Tom Tom turned around And Tom Tom turned around 317 00:23:34,390 --> 00:23:40,570 And Tom Tom turned around And Tom Tom turned 318 00:23:40,570 --> 00:23:45,170 around And Tom Tom turned around 319 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:01,860 This is the last program in this series, and I must say that I'm certainly going 320 00:24:01,860 --> 00:24:03,720 to miss this chair, you know. 321 00:24:04,140 --> 00:24:07,840 It's so comfortable, really. You know, most chairs I sit on, my feet don't 322 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:08,840 the ground. 323 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,920 Mind you, when I was a child, I was even smaller, you know. 324 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,820 You don't believe me, do you? No, I was, honestly. 325 00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:18,380 I could stand up and my feet didn't reach the ground. 326 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,440 If my father hadn't been so generous, I'd have been a foot taller. 327 00:24:24,060 --> 00:24:27,900 Every time he saw me, he would give me a penny and say, there's a good boy, 328 00:24:28,060 --> 00:24:32,000 there's a good boy, there's a good boy. Then my brother came along and he was 329 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,000 even smaller than me. 330 00:24:33,900 --> 00:24:37,500 He's probably one of the few people who have ever been up a vacuum cleaner. 331 00:24:39,860 --> 00:24:43,820 We were very lucky, though, we didn't live in a very tough district. You know, 332 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:47,480 you must have noticed that, you know, most comedians were brought up in tough 333 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:51,920 districts. Not me, no. Where I lived, you could have a reign of terror with a 334 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:52,920 balloon on a stick. 335 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:59,240 Some of the kids were so soft they were even frightened of me. 336 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:05,020 And the most daring thing I ever did, I used to leave my bike outside a shop, 337 00:25:05,060 --> 00:25:07,120 then I'd sneak up and let my tyres down. 338 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:16,340 Strangely enough, not being tall never affected my relationship with girls. 339 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:18,200 They didn't like me anyway. 340 00:25:19,180 --> 00:25:23,440 I was 24 when I first went out with my first girlfriend. 341 00:25:24,060 --> 00:25:27,400 Or when I seconded out with my first girlfriend. When I first went out with 342 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,060 second girlfriend. No, when I first went out with my girlfriend, I was 24. 343 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,940 Gladys Hardboard was her name. 344 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:35,440 She was thin but youthful. 345 00:25:37,660 --> 00:25:43,620 We used to... We used to do our courting in the local cemetery, you know. 346 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,040 Me standing on a headstone and her with one foot in the grave. 347 00:25:49,340 --> 00:25:50,340 But actually... 348 00:25:50,670 --> 00:25:55,510 What I wanted to tell you about was, after the show last week, a chap came up 349 00:25:55,510 --> 00:25:58,350 me and said, I've often wondered, you know, what you do when you're not on 350 00:25:58,350 --> 00:25:59,350 television. 351 00:25:59,470 --> 00:26:00,770 It was my agent, actually. 352 00:26:04,890 --> 00:26:09,050 I never recognised him because I haven't seen him since we were nuns together on 353 00:26:09,050 --> 00:26:10,050 The Sound of Music. 354 00:26:13,690 --> 00:26:15,670 Sonny and The Sound of Music. Oh, yeah, that's enough. 355 00:26:15,930 --> 00:26:18,890 I said to him, I see you've got out of the habit. 356 00:26:20,810 --> 00:26:23,690 He said, no, actually, I haven't. I'm on probation at the moment. 357 00:26:25,090 --> 00:26:29,370 So he said, what do you do, repeat it again, what do you do when you're not on 358 00:26:29,370 --> 00:26:32,930 TV? Well, I said, if I'm not working in the theatre, you know, I'll take a 359 00:26:32,930 --> 00:26:36,530 little holiday, which brings me rather neatly into what I was actually, you 360 00:26:36,530 --> 00:26:39,950 know, going to tell you about, the story of an incident that happened to me last 361 00:26:39,950 --> 00:26:41,830 year when I was on my holiday in Spain. 362 00:26:42,450 --> 00:26:46,110 I say Spain, you know, to give the story a bit of atmosphere and character. 363 00:26:46,710 --> 00:26:48,610 Actually, I spent my summer holiday in Arbroath. 364 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,840 But you've heard so many stories about Arbroath, I thought I'd better make it 365 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:58,500 Spain. And anyway, since it's about bullfighting, it makes a little bit more 366 00:26:58,500 --> 00:27:05,340 sense if I tell it about Spain, you know, rather than Arbroath. If I told 367 00:27:05,340 --> 00:27:08,300 story about a wonderful bullfighter saw in Arbroath, you wouldn't believe for a 368 00:27:08,300 --> 00:27:09,179 minute, would you? 369 00:27:09,180 --> 00:27:12,820 So anyway, I'm in Spain on my holidays. I'm walking down the road, and I happen 370 00:27:12,820 --> 00:27:16,060 to notice this little bar, you see, and I thought I'd pop in for a little glass 371 00:27:16,060 --> 00:27:17,060 of wine. 372 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,720 Standing there sipping. And during the time I was in the bar, I couldn't help 373 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:23,760 noticing all around the wall of this bar were booze heads, you know, mounted on 374 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:24,499 the wall. 375 00:27:24,500 --> 00:27:25,500 They'd been stuffed. 376 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,280 You could tell by the surprised look on their faces. 377 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,560 I said to the barman, why all the booze heads? 378 00:27:35,780 --> 00:27:40,180 He said, ah, senor, he said, ah, senor. I think he was from Arbroath as well. 379 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:47,100 He said, ah, senor, he said, these bulls, I kill my own hands. 380 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:49,540 Well, actually, I'm sorry, he didn't do that. I'm sorry. 381 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,100 No, no, he didn't do that. These bulls, I kill my hands. No, these bulls, yes, I 382 00:27:54,100 --> 00:27:55,100 kill my hands. 383 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,580 Now, I don't want to malign the fellow. You know, if he didn't do that, it's not 384 00:27:58,580 --> 00:28:02,720 fair to say he did do that. No, he said, these bulls, he said, I kill with my 385 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:03,720 own hands. 386 00:28:04,300 --> 00:28:07,220 I have my own hand. He said, when I'm a bullfighter, he said, I kill all these 387 00:28:07,220 --> 00:28:08,240 bulls with my own bare hands. 388 00:28:08,460 --> 00:28:11,960 He said, that bull I kill in Madrid, that one I kill in Barcelona, that one I 389 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,660 kill in Toledo, that one I kill in Sicily. I said, it's wonderful. I said, 390 00:28:15,660 --> 00:28:19,180 about the big black one on the corner? He said, sir, we no speak of that bull. 391 00:28:19,500 --> 00:28:21,060 That bully killed my brother. 392 00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:23,900 Oh, I said, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have wrote stuff. I shouldn't have mentioned 393 00:28:23,900 --> 00:28:26,960 it. I said, you know, I didn't think. I said, I didn't realize. Was your brother 394 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:28,460 a bullfighter as well? He said, no. 395 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,720 One night he's sitting in the corner having a drink and the bloody thing 396 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:32,720 down and hits him. 397 00:28:50,380 --> 00:28:51,380 Mr. and Mrs. 398 00:28:51,780 --> 00:28:52,780 Cuthbertson, please. 399 00:28:53,380 --> 00:28:58,100 Oh, by the way, if any of the babies do start to cry rather loudly, I'd be very 400 00:28:58,100 --> 00:29:00,280 grateful if the mothers would simply... 401 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:08,460 Otherwise, 402 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:11,620 you won't hear a word I'm saying. 403 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:14,200 What's he saying? 404 00:29:14,580 --> 00:29:16,800 I couldn't hear you if that blasted baby cried. 405 00:29:17,980 --> 00:29:19,260 Don't swear in church, George. 406 00:29:19,460 --> 00:29:21,720 I didn't. Mr and Mrs Cuthbertson, please. 407 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:23,320 Sorry. 408 00:29:25,580 --> 00:29:26,580 Thank you. 409 00:29:27,540 --> 00:29:33,500 Has this child been baptised or no? 410 00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:36,580 No. No, no. No, it hasn't. No. 411 00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:39,620 You just have to say no. 412 00:29:40,660 --> 00:29:41,660 No. 413 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:45,360 Could I have a card, please? 414 00:29:46,700 --> 00:29:47,760 It's here, this one. 415 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,760 Where is it? Where are we? 416 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:56,800 No. 417 00:30:00,820 --> 00:30:01,840 It's all right, carry on. 418 00:30:02,060 --> 00:30:03,060 Sorry, sorry. 419 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:08,400 Dost thou in the name of this child renounce the devil and all... 420 00:30:19,790 --> 00:30:20,790 It's not Eric. 421 00:30:22,310 --> 00:30:23,310 What do you mean? 422 00:30:23,490 --> 00:30:25,670 It's not Eric, dear. It's somebody else's baby. 423 00:30:26,230 --> 00:30:27,350 Don't be daft. 424 00:30:27,570 --> 00:30:30,430 Don't call me daft, dear. That's a Chinese baby. 425 00:30:31,190 --> 00:30:33,770 What? It's a Chinese baby. 426 00:30:34,390 --> 00:30:37,950 Don't be daft. Don't keep saying I'm daft, dear. The baby's definitely of 427 00:30:37,950 --> 00:30:38,950 Chinese origin. 428 00:30:41,950 --> 00:30:42,950 Ooh. 429 00:30:43,330 --> 00:30:46,870 Are you sure? I mean, perhaps he's been crying rather a lot with little eyes as 430 00:30:46,870 --> 00:30:47,870 well. 431 00:30:48,750 --> 00:30:50,730 Oh, no, it's definitely a Chinese baby. 432 00:30:51,250 --> 00:30:55,810 Oh, well, uh... Your wife must have slipped up somewhere, then. 433 00:30:56,930 --> 00:31:00,250 Pardon? I mean, she must have got something the wrong way round. 434 00:31:01,370 --> 00:31:02,370 Pardon? 435 00:31:03,990 --> 00:31:07,250 What I mean is she must have picked up the wrong pram or something. 436 00:31:10,530 --> 00:31:12,810 Because then you must have picked up the wrong pram or something. 437 00:31:13,370 --> 00:31:14,370 Oh, dear. 438 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,260 Look, when was it you went down the Chinese to get that takeaway meal? 439 00:31:21,460 --> 00:31:28,120 Was that... When was that? Was that last... Was that last Thursday? 440 00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:30,340 No, it was Friday. 441 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:32,600 But Eric was in bed then. 442 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:36,220 Perhaps you forgot Eric was in bed and you wheeled another baby home. 443 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:38,540 Don't be daft. 444 00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:41,380 Then we would have had two babies indoors, silly. 445 00:31:41,620 --> 00:31:44,920 Yes, look, we'd better sort this out. I'll just give the congregation a hymn 446 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:45,920 be going on with. 447 00:31:46,410 --> 00:31:52,290 The congregation will now sing hymn number 698, A Stranger is Among Us, So 448 00:31:52,290 --> 00:31:53,290 We Heed His Cry. 449 00:32:01,910 --> 00:32:02,910 OK. 450 00:32:05,270 --> 00:32:06,270 What? 451 00:32:07,510 --> 00:32:09,550 You haven't been two -timing me, have you? 452 00:32:10,390 --> 00:32:13,230 George. You didn't have twins, did you, eh? 453 00:32:13,660 --> 00:32:16,440 And you'd be keeping this one from me, tucking it under the blanket from the 454 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:17,860 cot, hoping I wouldn't notice. 455 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,280 Oh, George, you are stupid. 456 00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:24,200 I wouldn't have one Chinese and one English baby, would I? 457 00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:26,500 Well, stranger things have happened at sea, dear. 458 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:29,160 What's the sea got to do with it? We're in Neasden. 459 00:32:29,500 --> 00:32:31,440 Well, strange things happen in Neasden and all. 460 00:32:32,220 --> 00:32:34,280 Look, the point is, what are we going to do about it? 461 00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,540 Do you think we ought to have it christened? 462 00:32:37,380 --> 00:32:40,740 What? Can't call a Chinese baby Eric, can you? 463 00:32:43,340 --> 00:32:44,340 Ting Chong. 464 00:32:45,220 --> 00:32:46,119 What's that? 465 00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:49,680 That's the name of the new laundrette, Ting Chong Laundrette. That's Chinese. 466 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:52,040 Chinese for what? 467 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:55,300 Might be Chinese for five minutes, dear. 468 00:32:56,380 --> 00:32:58,820 Can't call him Five Minutes Cuthbertson, can we? 469 00:33:00,340 --> 00:33:02,800 Very strange on a visiting card, that would. 470 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:05,720 I don't know any more Chinese names. 471 00:33:06,860 --> 00:33:10,120 I'm certainly not going to exchange our little minds, you know, for a stranger, 472 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:11,160 don't think. 473 00:33:11,219 --> 00:33:14,520 Look, have you come to any decision yet? Because some of the babies are getting 474 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:15,900 rather wet at both ends. 475 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:20,240 Well, we feel we can't accept responsibility for this little mite. We 476 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:24,380 continue our search for Eric. He is, after all, the one we started with, and 477 00:33:24,380 --> 00:33:28,780 do feel our loyalties, you know, in some ways, lie towards him. 478 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:42,360 outside the church. 479 00:33:42,420 --> 00:33:44,980 I put the pram by the door and then I went down the road. 480 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:51,140 Yes, well, I don't understand a word you're saying, but I think I get your 481 00:33:51,140 --> 00:33:55,040 drift. Yes, I'm awfully sorry about that. 482 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:57,040 Your turn will come in a minute. 483 00:33:58,140 --> 00:33:59,140 I'm sorry. 484 00:33:59,300 --> 00:34:00,300 Ever so sorry. 485 00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:05,280 Well, 486 00:34:05,980 --> 00:34:10,500 now we can start again, can't we? 487 00:34:11,830 --> 00:34:15,370 Doth thou, in the name of this child, renounce the devil? 488 00:34:19,949 --> 00:34:22,409 This one appears to be a black one. Is that all right? 489 00:34:24,870 --> 00:34:26,110 That's not ours either. 490 00:34:26,650 --> 00:34:31,290 Oh, really, Elsie? Honestly, I don't know. If you like this now, what's it 491 00:34:31,290 --> 00:34:32,670 to be like after we're married? 492 00:34:46,350 --> 00:34:52,810 They told me when I left the jailhouse, now try to go straight if you can. 493 00:34:53,690 --> 00:35:00,450 Now I'm doing fine cause I'm on a straight line to work before the 494 00:35:00,710 --> 00:35:04,370 oh Lord, to work before the railroad man. 495 00:35:10,810 --> 00:35:14,250 Oh, I crouched all night laying track down. 496 00:35:15,100 --> 00:35:18,040 And the wind on the back made me choke. 497 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:24,600 And a pelt at the bottom had to fall out of my life till I found that my braces 498 00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:29,140 had broke. Oh, Lord, I found that my braces had broke. 499 00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:42,660 Someone stole my hammer, but I still got on my bread. 500 00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:49,180 I've changed the brain when you're standing on your hands and driving in 501 00:35:49,180 --> 00:35:54,180 rivers with your head low, low. And driving in the rivers with your head. 502 00:36:00,820 --> 00:36:04,060 There's a curving track up yonder. 503 00:36:04,580 --> 00:36:07,740 I think it's a beginning over end. 504 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:12,320 I've tried going straight but it's dead too early. 505 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:19,660 I think I'm a -goin' round the bend No, Lord, I think I'm a -goin' round the 506 00:36:19,660 --> 00:36:23,820 bend Thank 507 00:36:23,820 --> 00:36:31,280 you 508 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:32,038 very much. 509 00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:33,940 Thank you very much. Hi there, lovely people. 510 00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:37,880 It sure is a downright treat to be with you again. Ain't that right, Fat Belly? 511 00:36:37,940 --> 00:36:39,180 Sure is, Big Jim. 512 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:41,920 My buddy, ladies and gentlemen, Fat Belly Jones. 513 00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:43,600 Howdy, people. 514 00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:44,640 How are they? 515 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:50,420 Yes, sir, it always is a privilege to be allowed into your homes like this, and 516 00:36:50,420 --> 00:36:54,080 Fat Belly here, of course, he's been in more homes than I have, ain't you? Yeah, 517 00:36:54,100 --> 00:36:55,100 that's right, Jim, yeah. 518 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,160 Just come out of one last week. 519 00:36:57,600 --> 00:36:58,600 Are you better? 520 00:36:58,660 --> 00:37:00,100 Oh, sure enough, Jim, yeah. 521 00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:02,000 I ain't right, but I'm better. 522 00:37:03,190 --> 00:37:06,310 Of course, you know, traveling around the countryside as we do, you know, not 523 00:37:06,310 --> 00:37:09,410 doing a regular job, you know, just getting our food and shelter where we 524 00:37:09,530 --> 00:37:13,570 well, kind of affects you, you know, good people. Really does. A strange sort 525 00:37:13,570 --> 00:37:14,570 feeling comes over you. 526 00:37:14,810 --> 00:37:17,970 Pleasant, unworldly calm settles in your soul. 527 00:37:18,310 --> 00:37:22,670 And we have a name for that in the folk world. We call it laziness. 528 00:37:23,950 --> 00:37:25,490 I love being lazy. 529 00:37:25,730 --> 00:37:27,090 I really work at it. 530 00:37:27,839 --> 00:37:31,220 Now, we just sung you a work song, and now we're going to sing you a love song, 531 00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,380 because love and work, well, they're the really two big things in people's 532 00:37:34,380 --> 00:37:36,540 lives, ain't they? I mean, what else is there? Well, there's food. 533 00:37:37,500 --> 00:37:39,240 Yeah, we tried that one time, didn't we? 534 00:37:39,460 --> 00:37:42,580 Fat Pelly wrote a song all about food once. What do you call that song, Fat 535 00:37:42,580 --> 00:37:44,920 Pelly? I'm in love with a big red jelly. 536 00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:47,440 Never caught on, though. 537 00:37:47,839 --> 00:37:50,240 No, no, it certainly didn't. Boy, that was a lulu. 538 00:37:50,820 --> 00:37:52,160 It was a lulu, yeah. 539 00:37:52,460 --> 00:37:54,960 People didn't know whether to sing it, eat it, or throw it in the fan. 540 00:37:55,860 --> 00:37:59,120 Anyway, here's a song in Fat Belly. Fat Belly here's got a new instrument. 541 00:37:59,500 --> 00:38:02,860 He's just invented. Show the good people your new instrument, Fat. 542 00:38:03,220 --> 00:38:05,640 Well, there it is, Big Jim. That's it here, see? 543 00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:07,720 Yeah, there we are. Mighty Strange. 544 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:11,860 Mighty strange piece of equipment you've got there, boy. Well, that's very sweet 545 00:38:11,860 --> 00:38:16,580 of you, Jim. What do you rightly call it? Well, I don't rightly call it 546 00:38:16,580 --> 00:38:20,900 anything, Big Jim, but I suppose if I was to call it anything, well, I guess 547 00:38:20,900 --> 00:38:22,620 call it Norman. 548 00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:26,640 Why, Norman? 549 00:38:26,900 --> 00:38:28,100 It's my favorite name. 550 00:38:29,420 --> 00:38:30,600 But that's for a man. 551 00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,200 Oh, I like women, too, if I call Norman. 552 00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:37,080 You're right. You ain't right, are you? No. 553 00:38:37,980 --> 00:38:41,000 Okay, let's hit the song. A little song Fat Belly thought of while he was taking 554 00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,780 a bath and it's called The Dimples in Her Cheeks. 555 00:38:48,100 --> 00:38:53,120 Oh, the dimples in her cheeks Oh, the dimples in her cheeks And the ribbons in 556 00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:58,140 her hair And the ribbons in her hair And the rosebuds in her lips And the 557 00:38:58,140 --> 00:39:02,880 rosebuds in her lips And the lacy underwear Oh, the dimples in her cheeks 558 00:39:04,410 --> 00:39:07,510 There's a girl who lives in me pretty as a pin. 559 00:39:07,730 --> 00:39:11,290 Whenever I go by her place, she always lets me in. 560 00:39:11,850 --> 00:39:14,870 She's a girl without no brain. She's simple, so they say. 561 00:39:15,950 --> 00:39:19,610 But when I take her in the woods, she always knows the way. 562 00:39:20,570 --> 00:39:22,370 Oh, the nipple's in her teeth. 563 00:39:24,090 --> 00:39:26,090 And the sunburn's on her knees. 564 00:39:27,910 --> 00:39:29,910 And the music in her voice. 565 00:39:31,690 --> 00:39:35,430 And she drives so hard at peace, oh, some burn on her knees. 566 00:39:36,490 --> 00:39:40,250 Well, first she met me wearing pants and pushing an old iron plow. 567 00:39:40,490 --> 00:39:43,690 At first I thought she was a boy, but I don't think so now. 568 00:39:43,930 --> 00:39:47,470 Sometimes we go for buggy rides, and other times we walk. 569 00:39:48,550 --> 00:39:52,070 I'd like to ask the gal her name, but we don't get time to talk. 570 00:39:52,910 --> 00:39:55,610 Whoa, whoa. Pulled her jeans. 571 00:39:57,410 --> 00:39:59,430 And the purple's on her back. 572 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:06,840 And she loves my brother Jack. 573 00:40:07,060 --> 00:40:08,820 What a shame she married Jack. 574 00:40:09,700 --> 00:40:12,600 What a shame she married Jack. 575 00:40:27,180 --> 00:40:30,880 Here we go, the dozy dough. All John Hansen ready to go. 576 00:40:31,140 --> 00:40:34,380 Here's to the girl who's pretty and neat. And here's to the girl with two 577 00:40:34,380 --> 00:40:38,150 feet. Swing your partner round and round, bash her in the ceiling, bang her 578 00:40:38,150 --> 00:40:38,729 the ground. 579 00:40:38,730 --> 00:40:42,070 Grab her by the ankles quick, swing around until she sticks. 580 00:40:46,590 --> 00:40:53,190 Now the ladies take their place, crouching down like a sitting duck. 581 00:40:53,350 --> 00:40:56,950 Grab your partner round the waist, pull him to the ground, and the best of luck. 582 00:41:04,780 --> 00:41:08,660 Ladies, turn the other way. The men advance. Don't try to stop them. You 583 00:41:08,660 --> 00:41:12,000 your arms in mock dismay. You bow to the men, and then you drop them. 584 00:41:13,460 --> 00:41:14,600 Not you, darling. 585 00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:20,240 Now is the time to end our song. Hope we ain't broke up your bones. So we'd like 586 00:41:20,240 --> 00:41:21,240 to say so long. 587 00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:24,900 Big Jim Johnson. Pat Belly Jones. 588 00:41:49,420 --> 00:41:52,420 Well, that's all for this week and indeed the present series. 589 00:41:52,660 --> 00:41:56,580 We'd like to thank everyone who's been on the show during the series. Yes, 590 00:41:56,580 --> 00:41:59,720 especially our regular guests, Tina Charles, New World and Madeline Smith. 591 00:42:00,580 --> 00:42:03,280 And there's still some time for late news. 592 00:42:03,620 --> 00:42:07,820 After Scotland Yard had reported that Ronald Biggs had undergone extensive 593 00:42:07,820 --> 00:42:12,720 plastic surgery, Interpol tonight put him on their list of the ten most wanted 594 00:42:12,720 --> 00:42:13,720 women. 595 00:42:15,240 --> 00:42:18,520 Raquel Welsh was rushed to hospital tonight with a temperature of 105. 596 00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:22,140 The doctor who examined her was rushed out of the hospital with a temperature 597 00:42:22,140 --> 00:42:23,140 160. 598 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:32,420 A man who'd swallowed five pounds worth of pennies and halfpennies was rushed to 599 00:42:32,420 --> 00:42:33,560 Southend Hospital yesterday. 600 00:42:34,340 --> 00:42:37,500 Doctors say he spent a quiet night and 43 pence. 601 00:42:40,740 --> 00:42:44,680 They don't expect any change tomorrow. 602 00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:50,960 And at an international get -together in London this evening, the drunken host 603 00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:55,140 took a pen away from a man from Pennsylvania, removed the wig of a man 604 00:42:55,140 --> 00:42:57,140 Wigan, and the tie of a man from Thailand. 605 00:42:57,500 --> 00:42:59,520 A lady from Nicaragua left hurriedly. 606 00:43:04,540 --> 00:43:08,280 And now it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight. 607 00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:09,520 Goodnight.