1
00:00:17,689 --> 00:00:20,790
Well, good evening. Nice to be with you again, Mr. O 'Connor. Isn't it?

2
00:00:21,310 --> 00:00:25,170
More than a hundred policemen searching for stolen jewellery have been dragging

3
00:00:25,170 --> 00:00:26,690
stains reservoir all day.

4
00:00:27,010 --> 00:00:30,650
At six o 'clock tonight, they gave up. Said as police spokesman, we dragged it

5
00:00:30,650 --> 00:00:32,310
as far as Tower Bridge and it fell in the river.

6
00:00:35,270 --> 00:00:40,910
The Industrial Relations Board is investigating complaints at a works

7
00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:45,050
Solihull. Apparently, the food is so bad that the men are striking for shorter

8
00:00:45,050 --> 00:00:46,050
dinner breaks.

9
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:52,280
And an executive with a toothpaste manufacturing company was divorced by

10
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,860
wife today on the grounds of cruelty. She claimed he kept squeezing her at the

11
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:56,860
wrong end.

12
00:00:58,460 --> 00:01:05,340
And at Pinewood today, a stuntman fell 60 feet and landed on Raquel

13
00:01:05,340 --> 00:01:06,340
Welsh.

14
00:01:06,660 --> 00:01:09,620
His condition is described as extremely comfortable.

15
00:01:14,990 --> 00:01:18,210
While in London today, there was a mix -up between a protest march of

16
00:01:18,210 --> 00:01:21,290
steeplejacks and a demonstration given by organ grinders.

17
00:01:21,610 --> 00:01:25,750
Police arrested 12 men for grinding steeples and 17 men for jacking organs.

18
00:01:29,330 --> 00:01:33,830
There was a record number of births in Kilburn this week.

19
00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:36,930
Apparently, it was all due to the Irish sweep.

20
00:01:37,190 --> 00:01:39,270
But he's now moved to Camden Town.

21
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,760
thieves broke into the house of Mr Harold Wilson last night.

22
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:49,980
Mr Wilson said the men had taken much valuable property, but in a sense

23
00:01:49,980 --> 00:01:50,679
at all.

24
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:54,300
He said the objects taken were of great sentimental value, or to put it another

25
00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:55,500
way, of no value whatsoever.

26
00:01:56,260 --> 00:01:59,640
He later said that even if his house had been broken into, this did not

27
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,680
necessarily mean that a break -in had taken place.

28
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:06,120
He later left the police station by the front and back door.

29
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:14,890
And in the Beaujolais district of France this week, a grape -treader was sacked

30
00:02:14,890 --> 00:02:17,250
by his vineyard for sitting down on the job.

31
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,450
What a terrible vintage that must have been.

32
00:02:26,250 --> 00:02:30,270
Following the statement of Adam Faith that he will no longer play the role of

33
00:02:30,270 --> 00:02:34,310
Budgie because he doesn't wish to be typecast, Christopher Plummer will play

34
00:02:34,310 --> 00:02:38,910
more plumbers, Stanley Baker will play no more bakers, and Peter O'Toole is

35
00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:39,910
giving up the business altogether.

36
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:45,480
And now, the sketch.

37
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:47,980
In this sketch, there are three hidden objects.

38
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:52,180
See if you can spot them. They are a pair of scissors, a ball of string, and

39
00:02:52,180 --> 00:02:53,180
Ronnie Corbett.

40
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:02,320
George.

41
00:03:03,420 --> 00:03:04,420
George Harris.

42
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,399
Good heavens.

43
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:05,959
Hello, Arthur.

44
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,920
Hi. I haven't seen you for ages.

45
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:09,820
Been hearing a lot about you, then.

46
00:03:10,020 --> 00:03:11,020
Oh, good.

47
00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:14,320
Still, I suppose one shouldn't believe everything one hears.

48
00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:17,160
What?

49
00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:18,660
What have you been hearing about me?

50
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,280
Oh, nothing, nothing.

51
00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:24,420
One just has to be a little careful who one listens to, I suppose.

52
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,640
Have you been hearing rumours about me or something?

53
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,040
No, not a word, not a bit.

54
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:33,300
Disgusting, I call it.

55
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:41,560
You have been hearing rumours about me. No, no, I just heard a rumour that...

56
00:03:42,110 --> 00:03:43,110
had been rumours.

57
00:03:43,550 --> 00:03:44,590
What rumours?

58
00:03:45,030 --> 00:03:51,850
Well, that, um, well, that you know, uh, that you lead, uh, you know, um, a fool

59
00:03:51,850 --> 00:03:52,850
life.

60
00:03:53,330 --> 00:03:59,410
That, uh, you and your wife, uh, and friends, and their wife, um,

61
00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:05,490
uh, get together and, uh, have fun.

62
00:04:06,490 --> 00:04:07,490
What, me?

63
00:04:07,550 --> 00:04:10,210
Me? Go in for all that, you know?

64
00:04:10,490 --> 00:04:11,490
Well, well, I...

65
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,460
George, goodness me, not George. That's a good one, I said.

66
00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:19,399
George, I said, too moral to swap a stamp.

67
00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:23,660
Oh, good.

68
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:27,500
Because I had been thinking it would be rather nice if you and your wife would

69
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:28,500
come round one evening.

70
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:36,680
Oh, uh... Oh, uh... I'm afraid I've forgot my diary. No, I mean, I've got my

71
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:37,680
diary.

72
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,660
I'm afraid we shan't be able to make that.

73
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:41,980
Because, um...

74
00:04:42,250 --> 00:04:45,830
Just looking in here. Tomorrow evening, we're having dinner with the full moons.

75
00:04:48,310 --> 00:04:53,170
And the next night, blast it. We've got lighting up time.

76
00:04:55,350 --> 00:05:00,750
Then, I'm afraid, we're chock -a -block full, right up to the London Underground

77
00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:01,750
map.

78
00:05:02,590 --> 00:05:05,110
I wouldn't want to spoil your dinner with the full moon, I'm sure.

79
00:05:05,350 --> 00:05:07,490
I mean, don't think we don't want to come, God. We want to come.

80
00:05:07,830 --> 00:05:10,030
Oh, yes, I'm sure. A little top -up. Oh, thanks very much.

81
00:05:10,990 --> 00:05:14,030
It's just unfortunate and rotten bad luck that you've got lighting up time, I

82
00:05:14,030 --> 00:05:15,770
suppose. Absolutely rotten, yes. Yes, yes.

83
00:05:16,690 --> 00:05:20,390
I say, um, isn't that your wife over there?

84
00:05:21,270 --> 00:05:23,790
No, no, no, no, that isn't her. That's someone else.

85
00:05:24,030 --> 00:05:24,929
Hello, darling.

86
00:05:24,930 --> 00:05:26,710
Oh, that one, yes, that one is my wife, yes.

87
00:05:27,270 --> 00:05:29,710
I thought you meant the standard lamp.

88
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:30,930
No, no.

89
00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:32,710
Excuse me, it couldn't be, no, no.

90
00:05:32,910 --> 00:05:36,610
She's, uh, she's very attractive, isn't she? Isn't she, yes, isn't she? Yes,

91
00:05:36,710 --> 00:05:38,250
very attractive. Isn't she, yes.

92
00:05:38,670 --> 00:05:40,310
High word. Very, very, very attractive.

93
00:05:41,670 --> 00:05:42,970
Yes. Huh?

94
00:05:43,270 --> 00:05:44,570
Woof. What? Woof.

95
00:05:45,690 --> 00:05:48,950
Isn't she? Well, she's not actually. She's really, she's quite plain, really,

96
00:05:48,990 --> 00:05:49,990
and rather frumpy.

97
00:05:50,310 --> 00:05:54,410
You do, don't you? You do. You do, don't you? What? You do think I'm trying to

98
00:05:54,410 --> 00:05:59,570
get you and your wife to, you know. Oh, goodness me, surely you don't think,

99
00:05:59,570 --> 00:06:03,610
goodness me, you don't think I'm that, surely, any more than I think that

100
00:06:03,610 --> 00:06:04,830
that. No, no, no.

101
00:06:05,150 --> 00:06:08,050
Well, I'm sorry to hear that you don't go out to dinner with anyone any more.

102
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:09,480
Oh, we do that.

103
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:10,940
Oh, yes, we do do that.

104
00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:14,120
It's just that we don't do the other.

105
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:20,720
Well, look, why don't you come round tonight, bring your wife, and we can all

106
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:21,760
get together for a bite?

107
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:30,860
Well, I don't think so, because my wife's got something in the oven. Oh,

108
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,380
I say, congratulations, doesn't show, does it?

109
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:39,240
No, no, not that oven, the other oven, the electric oven.

110
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:44,560
You know, it's funny, back there when you said about, you know, that you

111
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:49,040
you know, I began to believe that what they're all saying about you might be

112
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,040
true.

113
00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:53,920
Absolutely, yes. What?

114
00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:57,030
Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

115
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,690
No, no, what? No, no, I don't believe a word of it. Believe what? No, I stood up

116
00:07:00,690 --> 00:07:04,010
for you, Arthur. Oh, yes, I said, I said, how can he be? How can he be, I

117
00:07:04,150 --> 00:07:05,150
He's married.

118
00:07:08,070 --> 00:07:11,450
What? He's married. I mean, you're married. I mean, I know a lot of them

119
00:07:11,450 --> 00:07:15,150
married, but I mean, you're not. I mean, you are married, but you're not one of

120
00:07:15,150 --> 00:07:17,090
them. One of them. You're not one of them.

121
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:22,800
Or one of them, I suppose. No, I mean, what I mean is, you've got three

122
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,700
children, haven't you? And then some of them have four or five children. I mean,

123
00:07:25,740 --> 00:07:27,540
it's nothing... Look,

124
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:29,400
I mean, put it this way.

125
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:30,900
How are the roses?

126
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:40,120
Surely you don't think I'm that any more than I think that you're that.

127
00:07:40,340 --> 00:07:44,500
No, no, no, no, I don't. No, of course I don't. No, no. Never entered my head.

128
00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:48,580
Oh, good, because it's been nice meeting you, Lyle.

129
00:07:48,810 --> 00:07:52,790
Yes, you know. I mean, we used to be such good friends. I mean, I don't

130
00:07:52,790 --> 00:07:56,250
know why we don't see more of each other than we probably used to. What are you

131
00:07:56,250 --> 00:07:57,250
doing? What?

132
00:07:57,330 --> 00:07:58,330
What? What are you doing?

133
00:07:59,950 --> 00:08:01,450
Oh, come on.

134
00:08:02,170 --> 00:08:05,590
Surely you don't think that I'm, uh, you know, eh?

135
00:08:05,890 --> 00:08:08,290
Any more than I think that you're, uh, you know.

136
00:08:08,690 --> 00:08:11,730
I mean, it's all a lot of you know, isn't it? Yes, yes, yes.

137
00:08:12,330 --> 00:08:15,970
Yes, I'm sorry. Of course it is. Yes, you can put your arm round me if you

138
00:08:21,620 --> 00:08:25,160
Thank you very much, but, you know, it's all right. Oh, all right.

139
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,240
It's silly, isn't it, listening to all these rumours? I know, not more.

140
00:08:30,460 --> 00:08:33,240
Nothing in them. Yes, thanks very much. Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.

141
00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:34,580
Yes, it's stupid, really.

142
00:08:34,919 --> 00:08:35,919
Cheers. Cheers.

143
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:40,200
But if you are thinking of doing any wife swapping, can we join in? Of course

144
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,620
you can, you old poof. Why don't you see us?

145
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,460
Some sleepless night.

146
00:09:00,060 --> 00:09:06,140
If you should find yourself alone.

147
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,580
Let me be the one you run to.

148
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:18,120
Let me be the one you come to when you need someone to turn to.

149
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,040
Let me be the one you run to.

150
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:10,610
But I...

151
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:46,770
Let me be.

152
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:20,840
Let me be the one Let me be the one you run to

153
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:27,360
Let me be the one you come to Let me be the one you run to

154
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:34,000
Let me be the one you come to When you need someone to thank you

155
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:38,740
Let me be the one

156
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,900
As all the other teachers have got hay fever, and as so many of the students

157
00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:04,640
on holiday, we've got all the classes together tonight.

158
00:12:04,940 --> 00:12:08,360
And I'm going to speak to you about mathematics and cooking and physical

159
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:13,140
training. And the highway code with particular application to weightlifting

160
00:12:13,140 --> 00:12:14,140
expecting mothers.

161
00:12:14,980 --> 00:12:20,980
Bonsoir. Now, there's nothing... There's nothing really difficult about French,

162
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:24,320
German, Dutch or Italian, so let's get straight on with making the pancake.

163
00:12:26,270 --> 00:12:30,150
Take the egg, lays off, and break into a bowl, or in case you're a music

164
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:31,730
student, of course, you break into a sock.

165
00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:37,150
Now, this here is an egg whisk, or for German students, this is an egg whisk.

166
00:12:37,350 --> 00:12:44,010
And for the weightlifters... Now, we take some flour,

167
00:12:44,270 --> 00:12:47,450
plain flour for the weightlifters, and for the rest of you, self -raising.

168
00:12:48,710 --> 00:12:53,510
We pour the flour into the bowl like that, and raise the other three packets

169
00:12:53,510 --> 00:12:54,910
a row, just like that.

170
00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:57,110
So much for flower arrangement.

171
00:12:57,470 --> 00:13:04,430
Now, a table, and for the mathematicians, a log table, and

172
00:13:04,430 --> 00:13:07,990
for the carpenters, split the logs down the middle and add salt to taste, and

173
00:13:07,990 --> 00:13:10,850
the pancake is ready. And if you've got one in the oven, good luck to you.

174
00:13:13,310 --> 00:13:17,210
Now, here are some completed pancakes, and as I understand from the principal,

175
00:13:17,310 --> 00:13:20,890
we've got a load of old cobblers in here tonight, I have brought along a shoe.

176
00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:22,370
Now, how to sew a shoe.

177
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:27,360
First, apply a little treacle to the shoe like that. Spread over the sole of

178
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:32,540
shoe like that. And then place the pancake on the shoe like that. And cut

179
00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:34,340
the side like that.

180
00:13:34,620 --> 00:13:35,620
There we are.

181
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,200
That's the way to do it.

182
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,140
Voila. Caput. Oh, mamma mia.

183
00:13:40,340 --> 00:13:41,340
Oh, sole mio.

184
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:47,900
Well, that seems to fit. And talking about how to keep fit, here's how to

185
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:51,680
nuts. Now, you take your nuts there, and you place your nuts behind your knees,

186
00:13:51,780 --> 00:13:52,780
like so.

187
00:13:54,400 --> 00:14:00,620
Your knees bend, like that, and you sprinkle the tasty colonel, the colonel

188
00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:05,560
Oberleutnant, over the pancake, or the casserole, the gateau. And so, or in

189
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:10,240
other words, und so, we toss the pancake, calculating the wind speed in

190
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:11,540
per hour, like that.

191
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,620
Merde, don't cop, schwinkelpupp, or bother.

192
00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:22,380
So we take the baby in the left hand, and the napkin in the right hand, and

193
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:26,780
the other hand, we wrap it around carefully like this, taking great care

194
00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:28,180
stick the pin through the handle.

195
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:35,540
So we can now say... We can now say with Dr. Spock, what a beautiful frying pan

196
00:14:35,540 --> 00:14:37,120
you have there. It takes after his mother.

197
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:43,500
Or in this case, his father. And so, in conclusion... And so, in conclusion,

198
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:44,640
I...

199
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:47,700
In conclusion, I think I've got hay fever as well.

200
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:53,700
In French, in German, in Japanese.

201
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,420
Malone, the fact detective, and his Tyler's assistant, Charlie Farley, were

202
00:15:45,420 --> 00:15:46,419
tight corner.

203
00:15:46,420 --> 00:15:47,920
Murders were coming at them thick and fast.

204
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:52,400
First the lady on Hampstead Heath, then the professor, and now the two old

205
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,580
ladies blown up in the lavatory.

206
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,640
Who was next for the chop?

207
00:15:57,940 --> 00:15:58,940
Was it Malone himself?

208
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,340
No, I'm mistaken. Kidney Pie, he's the chop.

209
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:11,590
I, uh... That'll be all, Pike.

210
00:16:14,450 --> 00:16:19,830
Um, what news of, uh... What news of Dr. Grist? Have you, uh, have you

211
00:16:19,830 --> 00:16:20,549
questioned him?

212
00:16:20,550 --> 00:16:21,550
No, he hasn't returned yet.

213
00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:23,630
He was last seen leaving the house about an hour ago.

214
00:16:23,890 --> 00:16:24,890
Probably on a call.

215
00:16:25,510 --> 00:16:27,130
What did you discover about the professor's death?

216
00:16:27,350 --> 00:16:30,810
Well, whoever stuck that knife in his back was a must -tell man.

217
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:32,730
How do you know? It said British Railways on the handle.

218
00:16:34,650 --> 00:16:38,020
Surely, if he was a doctor... He wouldn't use a British railway knife.

219
00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:39,380
He'd use a scalpel.

220
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:43,040
Yes, my God, you need one for that railway foot. I had a meal the other day

221
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,120
going up to Birmingham and... To kill the professor with.

222
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,540
What? The scalpel.

223
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:49,340
Exactly.

224
00:16:50,060 --> 00:16:51,760
Could have given the old lady's arsenic.

225
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,280
With a scalpel, you mean?

226
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:56,100
In the bottle.

227
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:57,420
No.

228
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:10,599
The doctor obviously had a lot to answer for. And while the two detectives

229
00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:14,920
stuffed their faces, the doctor himself was going about his normal duties in the

230
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:15,920
village.

231
00:17:22,660 --> 00:17:23,660
Say ah.

232
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:25,440
Ah.

233
00:17:27,319 --> 00:17:28,319
Again?

234
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:29,920
Again.

235
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,580
Oh, God. Yes, see.

236
00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:40,780
I'm afraid, my dear, there's not an awful lot I can do for you. What you

237
00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:42,920
need is a good chiropodist. Thank you, Doctor.

238
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:51,580
Now, you can get up, keep off fatty foods, cakes, and sofas.

239
00:17:54,020 --> 00:17:55,320
Now, I'll see you next week.

240
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,480
Or I may pop round tonight.

241
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:01,420
After that, it may look better.

242
00:18:06,860 --> 00:18:07,860
Brimstone 99.

243
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:10,960
Again?

244
00:18:11,460 --> 00:18:12,560
Brimstone 99.

245
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:15,320
Yes, see, dear?

246
00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:17,240
It's for you, Doctor.

247
00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:18,540
Oh,

248
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,320
I'll answer it later.

249
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,700
I must get back to the Grange.

250
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,000
I have a feeling that all is not well there.

251
00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:42,770
Did the doctor have some strange premonition that Malone wished to

252
00:18:42,930 --> 00:18:44,050
If so, he was wrong.

253
00:18:44,450 --> 00:18:47,170
Malone and Charlie weren't even within a mile of the Grange.

254
00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:48,630
They were on the golf course.

255
00:18:49,350 --> 00:18:52,690
Sherlock Holmes, when he wanted to think or relax, played the violin.

256
00:18:53,190 --> 00:18:57,150
The large economy -sized Malone had tried this, but had been advised to give

257
00:18:57,150 --> 00:18:59,750
up by a leading heart specialist who lived in the flat above.

258
00:19:01,430 --> 00:19:05,990
So he had taken up golf, and now, whenever he had a tough assignment, he

259
00:19:05,990 --> 00:19:06,990
play a few holes.

260
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:11,320
And Charlie was an enthusiastic spectator, knowing, as he did, that in

261
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:15,440
strange half -world of murder and suspense which Malone inhabited, golf

262
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,060
one thing that kept him from going mad.

263
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:35,120
Charlie, too, enjoyed the game, and though not in the same class as Malone,

264
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,920
still contrived to give his overweight boss a run for his money.

265
00:19:56,060 --> 00:20:02,940
But the evil presence of the Grange was

266
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:04,020
nevertheless still at hand.

267
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:09,660
The gardeners, ever watchful, lurked behind every bush, silent, primitive,

268
00:20:09,660 --> 00:20:12,560
by all accounts, for the most part, completely insane.

269
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:27,180
But even as another crow fell victim to Malone's deadly inaccuracy, the

270
00:20:27,180 --> 00:20:30,600
beautifully busty bulk of Blanche Brimston was approaching the two second

271
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,860
detectives with all the grace and erotic charm of a petrol advertisement.

272
00:21:25,770 --> 00:21:26,770
was short -lived.

273
00:21:27,290 --> 00:21:30,810
Once again, Blanche Brimstone brought him down to earth.

274
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,190
It's the doctor.

275
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:36,330
Doctor? The doctor at the Grange, Dr. Grist. He's ill.

276
00:21:36,810 --> 00:21:38,630
Pike found him a half an hour ago.

277
00:21:39,010 --> 00:21:40,670
Where? Outside the garage.

278
00:21:41,130 --> 00:21:42,330
He was in a coma.

279
00:21:42,870 --> 00:21:44,630
I hate those rotten Italian cars.

280
00:21:48,650 --> 00:21:50,350
He fainted, you fool.

281
00:21:52,490 --> 00:21:53,490
Come on, let's go.

282
00:21:55,429 --> 00:21:56,429
Where is he now?

283
00:21:56,770 --> 00:22:00,030
Pike said he ought not to be moved, but the ground was so damp.

284
00:22:00,250 --> 00:22:03,230
So I put him in my bed. I thought he'd be more comfortable in familiar

285
00:22:03,230 --> 00:22:04,230
surroundings.

286
00:22:07,790 --> 00:22:11,170
He'll probably be there before me. This horse is so damn slow.

287
00:22:56,780 --> 00:22:59,660
In fact, it was the superbly streamlined Blanche who reached the house first.

288
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:09,940
...followed by an exhausted, overweight detective and a tired -out, tireless

289
00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:10,940
assistant.

290
00:23:38,220 --> 00:23:39,220
I don't like the look of him.

291
00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:40,580
No, ugly, isn't he?

292
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:44,000
Wait outside the door, would you, Charlie? Keep guard.

293
00:23:46,380 --> 00:23:47,380
Why is he smiling?

294
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:48,919
I don't know.

295
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,380
He would like that when I found him.

296
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:52,599
Oh, no.

297
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:53,439
What's this?

298
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:54,440
What's what?

299
00:23:55,380 --> 00:23:57,520
A note pinned to his pyjama trousers.

300
00:23:59,580 --> 00:24:00,580
Don't weep for me.

301
00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:02,700
I died of love.

302
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,179
Oh, he's dead.

303
00:24:04,180 --> 00:24:05,260
Certainly. He admits it.

304
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,100
Was he a lonely man?

305
00:24:08,420 --> 00:24:10,180
Oh, no. He had loads of friends.

306
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:11,499
Mostly women.

307
00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:12,500
I see.

308
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,540
So when he says he died of love, he doesn't mean not enough love?

309
00:24:16,780 --> 00:24:17,780
On the contrary.

310
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:20,380
He probably means too much of it.

311
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:22,560
Lucky swine. No wonder he's smiling.

312
00:24:25,660 --> 00:24:27,280
Here. Just a minute.

313
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:29,700
He's wearing my pyjamas.

314
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:32,520
Yes. Well, it was all I could find.

315
00:24:32,780 --> 00:24:35,060
Aha. So how did this note get there, then?

316
00:24:35,810 --> 00:24:37,450
You must have pinned it there yourself.

317
00:24:38,010 --> 00:24:41,390
Listen, what's been going on with you and the doctor, eh, Miss Brimston?

318
00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:44,430
What really went on? Did he really die of love?

319
00:24:44,910 --> 00:24:46,430
You're sure you want to know?

320
00:24:48,290 --> 00:24:49,290
Very well.

321
00:25:16,940 --> 00:25:17,839
he could chew?

322
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,560
What was worse, had he brought another pair of pyjamas?

323
00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:25,780
Or would Blanche creep into his bedroom and do for him what she had done for the

324
00:25:25,780 --> 00:25:27,740
doctor? One thing was certain.

325
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,840
There would be very little sleep for Malone that night.

326
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,340
Excuse me for interrupting you. Yes, yes.

327
00:25:51,660 --> 00:25:54,420
This doctor, I've not been to him before.

328
00:25:54,740 --> 00:25:55,820
Is he a specialist?

329
00:25:56,220 --> 00:25:59,000
Oh, yes, yes, indeed, yes. He specializes in everything.

330
00:25:59,420 --> 00:26:00,420
Oh, really?

331
00:26:01,180 --> 00:26:03,220
Tell me, is he expensive?

332
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:09,380
Well, he is and he isn't. I mean, he charges you 100 guineas for your first

333
00:26:09,380 --> 00:26:10,860
visit. 100 guineas?

334
00:26:11,140 --> 00:26:14,460
Yes, yes, but after that, all your other visits are free.

335
00:26:14,780 --> 00:26:18,800
Forever. What do you mean? No matter how many times you come and see him, he

336
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:20,160
doesn't charge you a penny?

337
00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:23,160
No, not after the first time, no. Oh, really?

338
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:26,260
That's interesting. Mr. Greenbaum, tea. Oh, thank you very much.

339
00:26:27,940 --> 00:26:29,460
Hello, Doctor. Here I am again.

340
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,640
I passed by her window.

341
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:54,100
I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind.

342
00:26:56,820 --> 00:27:01,760
She was my woman.

343
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:08,820
As she deceived me, I watched and went out of my mind.

344
00:27:48,010 --> 00:27:52,930
I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door.

345
00:27:55,750 --> 00:28:00,510
She stood there laughing.

346
00:28:02,970 --> 00:28:07,490
I felt the knife in my hand and she left no more.

347
00:30:04,399 --> 00:30:11,280
Well, tonight I was going to play this, the violin.

348
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:14,700
Actually, this is a very beautiful thing, this.

349
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:21,760
It's an old gypsy violin, this, made by the gypsies, out of old clothes pegs.

350
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:27,820
And they say it brings you luck, you know, if you drop money into a gypsy

351
00:30:27,820 --> 00:30:30,900
violin, so one of the attendants will pass it round during the next sketch.

352
00:30:31,140 --> 00:30:32,920
Now, this is a...

353
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:37,160
I don't know whether to whip it or play it. This is actually a lovely

354
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:41,520
instrument, this, and it was given to me by my grandfather, Gladys Corbett.

355
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:45,140
He worked for 20 years in a hormone factory.

356
00:30:47,060 --> 00:30:51,360
And I'll never forget, I'll never forget the day he gave me this.

357
00:30:51,700 --> 00:30:54,100
I mean, he looked up to me and he said, Ron.

358
00:30:58,060 --> 00:31:00,180
No, he was really tiny, my granddad, really tiny.

359
00:31:00,620 --> 00:31:02,820
He was one of the few people who'd ever been up a vacuum cleaner.

360
00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,540
And I'll never forget his face.

361
00:31:07,780 --> 00:31:11,340
I'll never forget his face. He was a lot younger then, and he bore an amazing

362
00:31:11,340 --> 00:31:12,500
resemblance to Shirley Temple.

363
00:31:13,580 --> 00:31:17,060
Anyway, he looked up to me. He looked up to me, and he said something which led

364
00:31:17,060 --> 00:31:21,220
me to spect. He knew, led me to spect. Led me to suspect, rather than spect.

365
00:31:21,460 --> 00:31:22,520
He led me to spect.

366
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,320
He very led me to suspect anything.

367
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:27,520
But he did very often lead me to suspect things.

368
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:33,280
He said something which led me to suspect that he knew very little about

369
00:31:33,780 --> 00:31:40,060
Or, for that matter, elocution. No, he led me to suspect... He

370
00:31:40,060 --> 00:31:45,480
knew... And he hands it down to me. Now, he led me to suspect that he knew very

371
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:48,960
little about music. He said to me, I'm going to give you this as a present.

372
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:50,620
what I've got for you, he said. A piano.

373
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:56,960
So for years, for years after that, I didn't know I couldn't play the violin.

374
00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:58,840
I thought I couldn't play the piano.

375
00:31:59,820 --> 00:32:02,640
Now, by the way, if any of this is confusing, you stop me and I'll start

376
00:32:02,820 --> 00:32:07,000
Now, I started to learn this. I learned actually the violin, believe it or not,

377
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:08,480
by correspondence course.

378
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:13,500
I had a hundred lessons, but I only ever actually received the first two.

379
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:18,220
Now, I'm not accusing anybody, but it's rather strange that our postman is now

380
00:32:18,220 --> 00:32:19,820
working under the name of Yehudi Menuhin.

381
00:32:24,490 --> 00:32:28,890
And it's very suspicious that Yehudi Menuhin can play every classical violin

382
00:32:28,890 --> 00:32:35,890
piece ever written, but he can't play... Because that was the first two lessons.

383
00:32:37,130 --> 00:32:38,550
Now, you listen to him sometime.

384
00:32:38,890 --> 00:32:44,490
Absolutely faultless he is until he comes to... Then he goes to pieces.

385
00:32:45,650 --> 00:32:49,910
Now, after all this hard work, after all the hard work I put into practising the

386
00:32:49,910 --> 00:32:52,670
violin, I had to give it up in the end because I was getting the terrible

387
00:32:52,670 --> 00:32:53,670
ringing in my ears.

388
00:32:53,980 --> 00:32:57,020
And let's face it, this is bad enough, but when you get the ringing in your

389
00:32:57,020 --> 00:32:58,260
at the same time, it's bloody awful.

390
00:32:59,460 --> 00:33:03,680
Now, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, it used to go. I used to wake my wife

391
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,300
up in the middle of the night and say, go downstairs and answer the phone. And

392
00:33:06,300 --> 00:33:08,740
she used to get very upset because we lived in a bungalow at the time.

393
00:33:09,860 --> 00:33:13,220
She used to jump out of the bed and go to run downstairs and bang her face on

394
00:33:13,220 --> 00:33:14,220
the floor.

395
00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:17,360
So I went to see our local doctor.

396
00:33:17,580 --> 00:33:20,460
Now, he's a great character, this local doctor. Straight out of Dr.

397
00:33:20,660 --> 00:33:21,660
Finlay's casebook.

398
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:23,140
He dresses like Barbara Mullen.

399
00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:29,440
So I told him, I told him about this ringing in my ears, and he said, oh, I

400
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:31,880
don't think it's any serious, I don't think there's anything to worry about.

401
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:34,300
He said, but if it starts spreading, let me know.

402
00:33:34,780 --> 00:33:40,840
So as chance would have it, the very... That's the second time Fife Robertson's

403
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:41,659
been on tonight.

404
00:33:41,660 --> 00:33:46,220
As chance would have it... The very next day, I happened to go into one of the

405
00:33:46,220 --> 00:33:48,860
shops round about here to buy some new clothes. Well, for goodness sake, you

406
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:49,960
can't walk about like this all the time.

407
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:53,340
So I went over to the shirt counter and I said, excuse me, excuse me. Well,

408
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:59,400
actually, I tell a lie. I didn't have the violence. I gesture with a bare

409
00:33:59,540 --> 00:34:02,820
Excuse me, excuse me. I'd like to buy some shirts.

410
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:05,480
Perhaps he'd have come quicker if I'd gone, excuse me, excuse me.

411
00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:12,780
I said, excuse me.

412
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,080
Excuse me, laughing, it's the first time I've heard that bit.

413
00:34:21,380 --> 00:34:24,400
Hands have been out there a rather long time. Excuse me, I said, I'd like to buy

414
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:28,840
some shirts. And he said, and this is the exciting bit, he said, yes, sir, a

415
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:33,659
neck. I said, no, 14 and a half. He said, no, sir, I'm sorry, you're a 15

416
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:37,260
I said, I'm a 14 and a half and always have been.

417
00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:41,000
He said, do you get ringing in the ears? I said, yes. He said, you want a 15

418
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,000
neck.

419
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:58,120
Throughout theatrical history, there have been many different versions of

420
00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:02,960
Bizet's famous opera, Carmen. The Hot Carmen, the Rock Carmen, Carmen Jones,

421
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:07,400
now the ultimate version, the Cockney Carmen. Ladies and gentlemen, we present

422
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:08,840
Shooting Carmen.

423
00:35:30,450 --> 00:35:36,810
I'm an advertising executive and this is my board of trades. When you need some

424
00:35:36,810 --> 00:35:41,050
cash or a cheque, you give my boss a buzz and you're made. How do you do,

425
00:35:41,110 --> 00:35:42,570
Montague, Joe, Jack and Jeremy?

426
00:35:43,330 --> 00:35:47,370
I need someone to love and take care of me.

427
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:51,220
You won't get nothing here.

428
00:35:51,460 --> 00:35:55,600
No, it's melancholy. Yes, it ain't very jolly when you can't get a dolly

429
00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:56,600
anywhere.

430
00:35:56,820 --> 00:36:00,760
Nobody sweeter than the fair senorita serving char at the bar over there.

431
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:04,920
She's quite a raver with the charms nature gave her. All the cab drivers

432
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:05,920
her for the fair.

433
00:36:06,140 --> 00:36:09,840
Though every cabbie says her stall's rather shabby, it's a lovely pull -up

434
00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:16,040
carmen. Nobody sweeter

435
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:19,340
than the fair senorita serving char at the bar over there.

436
00:36:33,130 --> 00:36:34,910
I need a bite.

437
00:36:36,950 --> 00:36:38,510
Here, who are you?

438
00:36:39,090 --> 00:36:46,090
I'm Lucky Jim. I went to Ascot, put my money on a shirt, and I've just

439
00:36:46,090 --> 00:36:47,090
lost my shirt.

440
00:36:59,580 --> 00:37:02,900
I'm Jimmy White, the rich millionaire.

441
00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:06,740
I've come down here to find a little piece tonight.

442
00:37:07,180 --> 00:37:09,840
A flat first on the road.

443
00:37:11,100 --> 00:37:14,600
I need a dish of tea and crumpets too.

444
00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:55,740
You keep your beady eyes off, mate.

445
00:37:56,140 --> 00:37:57,320
I saw her first.

446
00:37:57,580 --> 00:37:58,720
I don't know what you mean, I'm sure.

447
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:02,820
All I'm wanting is something tasty to keep me going till I get home. I know

448
00:38:02,820 --> 00:38:03,759
you want, mate.

449
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:05,720
And Carmen, I'm on the menu, right?

450
00:38:09,700 --> 00:38:13,260
May I look at your rock cakes, please?

451
00:38:13,940 --> 00:38:16,920
Cake, cake, oh, cry the bread, damn cheese.

452
00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:23,860
May I glance at your plucked boots, your... What's your... language she's

453
00:38:23,860 --> 00:38:28,440
for. May I sample your softened rules?

454
00:38:28,980 --> 00:38:31,940
Who do I leave off for? I'll lose control.

455
00:38:32,720 --> 00:38:35,940
May I toy with your tar bulldoze?

456
00:38:36,300 --> 00:38:39,720
Here, I'll punch you right up the throat.

457
00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:41,640
There's a witch.

458
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:47,300
Who is this twit? A millionaire who's merely passing through.

459
00:38:54,030 --> 00:38:55,030
It's hot here.

460
00:38:56,930 --> 00:38:58,670
It's plain to see.

461
00:38:59,050 --> 00:39:01,850
Get off, it's me what she's referring to.

462
00:39:26,090 --> 00:39:28,370
Up and fight, you rotten little pest.

463
00:39:28,630 --> 00:39:32,150
Then toe to toe, stand nose to chest.

464
00:39:32,450 --> 00:39:35,790
I know just what you want with Carmen's curve.

465
00:40:13,130 --> 00:40:14,970
To make tootin' come in a whole day.

466
00:40:17,490 --> 00:40:20,670
Now it's goodnight from Butler and Ernie.

467
00:40:21,030 --> 00:40:24,510
Later tonight, I'll strip the gym.

468
00:40:24,890 --> 00:40:27,730
You must admire her effrontery.

469
00:40:28,350 --> 00:40:30,610
Yes, it's one in the eye for me.

470
00:41:14,940 --> 00:41:19,540
Well, that's it for this week. Next week we'll be asking what makes Ron moody,

471
00:41:19,620 --> 00:41:25,320
what makes Jack wild, why Barbara Castle is tickled by Vic Feather, and why

472
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,840
Violet Carson won't perform without the aid of a net.

473
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:36,080
We'll be talking to a man from Kuwait who has bred an ostrich with a corkscrew

474
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:38,860
head. You give it a fright and it drills for oil.

475
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:46,600
And here is some late news. Britain's first pregnant man complained tonight

476
00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:50,420
about his treatment by the press. He said, all this publicity makes me sick,

477
00:41:50,540 --> 00:41:51,600
especially in the morning.

478
00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:56,880
And finally, some sensational news from space.

479
00:41:57,220 --> 00:42:02,060
American astronauts landed on Mars tonight and encountered a native of the

480
00:42:02,060 --> 00:42:06,360
planet, a giant geranium with one huge eye and flippers like a seal.

481
00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:10,380
When they approached it, the geranium blinked its eye, flipped its flippers,

482
00:42:10,540 --> 00:42:13,650
burst into bloom, Burst into flames and perished.

483
00:42:14,670 --> 00:42:17,870
Luckily, they managed to take a film of the blinking, blooming, flipping,

484
00:42:18,030 --> 00:42:19,030
flaming, perishing.

485
00:42:20,350 --> 00:42:22,470
And tonight, it's a good night from me.

486
00:42:22,750 --> 00:42:23,910
And it's a good night from you.