1
00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:29,540
Good evening. It's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.

2
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:33,160
On the show tonight, we've got the Archbishop of Canterbury playing spoons.

3
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:37,240
The Red Army Ensemble in an extract from Winnie the Pooh.

4
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:43,320
Six ACDC electricians will be here to tell you how to put up your fairy

5
00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:46,360
And now, the news.

6
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:50,080
In Threadneedle Street today, police doubled the guard on the Bank of

7
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:54,260
strengthened the burglar alarm, and checked all safety mechanisms after it

8
00:00:54,260 --> 00:00:56,340
discovered that the key had disappeared from under the mat.

9
00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:04,060
In the channel today, a six -mile oil slick met a two -mile vinegar slick, and

10
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:06,400
later Boulogne Beach was covered in French dressing.

11
00:01:08,460 --> 00:01:12,720
At the Albert Hall today, a vast crowd attended a conference on reincarnation.

12
00:01:12,820 --> 00:01:16,280
It was such a success that they planned to meet again in 200 years' time.

13
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:23,040
And at the world's... Sex championships today, the British team, Mr. and Mrs.

14
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:24,520
James Field, retired.

15
00:01:25,020 --> 00:01:28,700
But they were easily beaten by the Swedish team, Mr. and Mrs. Johansson,

16
00:01:28,700 --> 00:01:30,220
managed to retire five times.

17
00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:38,800
Sir Matthew Pomeroy, the eminent tree surgeon, is to retire.

18
00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:43,460
Sir Matthew, who is 91, said, I'm getting too old for my work. Last week I

19
00:01:43,460 --> 00:01:44,460
off one of my patients.

20
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:46,840
That's a...

21
00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:54,050
At the badminton horse trials, Firebrand II was found guilty and put on

22
00:01:54,050 --> 00:01:55,050
probation for three years.

23
00:01:56,490 --> 00:01:59,850
While at the start of the three -day event, David Broome and his horse were

24
00:01:59,850 --> 00:02:02,970
stung by a swarm of wasps, which caused him to fall at the fourth fence.

25
00:02:03,250 --> 00:02:06,550
The horse went on to win the 2 .15 at Redcar and the 3 o 'clock at Thurston.

26
00:02:09,169 --> 00:02:14,810
David Broome himself won the long jump at White City and created a new European

27
00:02:14,810 --> 00:02:16,270
record for throwing the jodhpurs.

28
00:02:20,519 --> 00:02:26,040
And later in the afternoon, a man was arrested for seducing a young lady at

29
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:26,959
water jump.

30
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,840
He asked for 17 other fences to be taken into consideration.

31
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:34,080
And now it's time for a sketch.

32
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:37,700
Yes, see what you make of it, and if you don't know what to make of it, write to

33
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:38,780
us and we'll send you a pattern.

34
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:50,819
Hello, Ted.

35
00:02:50,820 --> 00:02:51,820
Hello, Jack.

36
00:02:52,220 --> 00:02:54,040
I didn't see you on the train.

37
00:02:54,460 --> 00:02:55,880
No, I was at the other end today.

38
00:02:56,580 --> 00:02:59,380
I thought it wouldn't be like you to miss it. Oh, no, I never have done up to

39
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:02,320
now. No, I saw you, but I couldn't reach you. I saw you get on.

40
00:03:02,620 --> 00:03:03,880
Damn non -corridor trains.

41
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:05,140
I know.

42
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:07,980
Cold today, isn't it? It is.

43
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,120
It is cold, yes. Very cold.

44
00:03:15,980 --> 00:03:16,980
we're going to have to wait for this connection?

45
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,840
Oh, about ten minutes, I suppose, if it's on time.

46
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:23,040
We must try to get into a carriage near the engine in the wall.

47
00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:24,300
Yes, yes.

48
00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:28,400
Well, how's the stock market been going today? Well, pretty lively, actually.

49
00:03:28,980 --> 00:03:30,380
Everything's coming down, really. Yeah.

50
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:35,800
Well, it's inevitable, isn't it, really?

51
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,080
Inevitable. Yes.

52
00:03:38,390 --> 00:03:41,690
People just haven't got the money to play with these days, have they? Not the

53
00:03:41,690 --> 00:03:44,770
tax system as it is in this country. I mean, they'd have the shirt off your

54
00:03:44,770 --> 00:03:45,770
back. Yes.

55
00:03:46,770 --> 00:03:50,210
Well, I've certainly got very little to spare these days, you know. Oh, yes.

56
00:03:50,850 --> 00:03:53,690
I mean, I find it difficult to make ends meet, you know.

57
00:03:54,530 --> 00:03:59,130
Of course, my wife's no help, you know. Always rushing out and buying some

58
00:03:59,130 --> 00:04:00,190
ridiculous item of clothing.

59
00:04:04,710 --> 00:04:06,390
Just like a woman, that, isn't it?

60
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:11,440
Well, it's my daughter that's getting me down. I mean, she's never out of

61
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,300
boutiques. She spends an absolute fortune.

62
00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:16,620
Takes no notice of me at all.

63
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,880
Does exactly as she thinks fit.

64
00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:22,320
And, I mean, no one would ever believe I was the man of the house.

65
00:04:23,380 --> 00:04:24,380
Well,

66
00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:28,140
it's the modern generation, you see, Jack. That's the trouble. They won't be

67
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:29,140
told anything, will they?

68
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,200
Well, they simply do things for kicks nowadays, in my opinion.

69
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:34,920
Oh, well.

70
00:04:35,220 --> 00:04:36,220
I see.

71
00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:38,020
Zip me up, would you? Yeah.

72
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,660
It's not as if... It's not as if my daughter's been starved of affection in

73
00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:51,800
way. I mean, I've been like a father to her, really. Yeah, quite, yeah. But I

74
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:55,320
mean, she does weigh the life out of me, honestly, because she stays out to...

75
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,660
Stays out to all hours at night. Yeah.

76
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,780
And, quite frankly, there are some very odd people about.

77
00:05:06,410 --> 00:05:09,890
We were considered rather odd when we were kids, weren't we? Yes, I suppose

78
00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:12,910
I suppose we must appeal... Well, appeal and appear.

79
00:05:13,310 --> 00:05:17,410
Rather dull and staid, going about our business in the normal manner, up to the

80
00:05:17,410 --> 00:05:22,870
city on the train, day in, day out. I suppose our lives must appear pretty

81
00:05:22,870 --> 00:05:23,870
colourless.

82
00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:25,450
Well,

83
00:05:28,130 --> 00:05:29,270
I think I'm about ready. Are you?

84
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,390
Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

85
00:05:31,890 --> 00:05:35,010
It's a bit of a nuisance, all this, isn't it? Yes. Still, we live in Herbst.

86
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,760
That's one day they'll build a gentleman's lavatory on this station.

87
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:44,720
Who

88
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:54,620
can

89
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,920
take a sunrise?

90
00:05:58,580 --> 00:06:00,440
Sprinkle it with dew.

91
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:06,000
Cover it in chocolate at a miracle or two.

92
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,280
My Candyman.

93
00:06:09,580 --> 00:06:12,700
Hey, my Candyman can.

94
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:20,940
My Candyman can coffee mixes. It would love to make the world taste

95
00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:21,960
good, yeah.

96
00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:29,720
Now who can take a rainbow, dip it in a...

97
00:06:48,010 --> 00:06:53,230
Saucy mixes that we love to make the whole world taste real good.

98
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,820
I'm not the person you expected to see here tonight.

99
00:09:26,180 --> 00:09:27,180
Oh, no.

100
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:33,860
Actually, he, Sir Hector, has been on the leaderboard in Amsterdam.

101
00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:40,800
And I have stepped into his breach, as it were, very short indeed.

102
00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:45,800
I have come from a hell of a party.

103
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,440
Conference.

104
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:57,640
party conference, where we stretched out several important people,

105
00:09:57,780 --> 00:10:02,760
including no less a man than the shadow of your smile.

106
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,720
So, good evening.

107
00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:09,820
And I hope you're having one.

108
00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:12,820
And if you are having one, tally ho!

109
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:14,720
What?

110
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,740
Moreover, surely all

111
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:25,600
What Britain needs at this moment in our history is Scotch broth 16p.

112
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,700
But there are two sides to this.

113
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:38,040
I've just been handed a communion which says, and I quote, pull yourself

114
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,040
together.

115
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:48,760
There's a nose behind your ear.

116
00:10:56,460 --> 00:11:03,200
behind your ear I think in a sense there's a nose behind everybody's ear

117
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:09,300
I'm not talking through the back of my neck when I say it isn't that the recipe

118
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:16,240
for the ideal pollution politician a nose behind his ear he can

119
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:21,960
sniff the wind listen to his nose and of course smell his ear

120
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:28,820
precisely Some people say, oh, it's easy for him to sit up

121
00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:29,820
there.

122
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,360
It's not, I assure you. It's damn difficult.

123
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:35,300
Prices, you see. Prices.

124
00:11:35,540 --> 00:11:36,660
I mean, look at that.

125
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,560
Nicky Bocco bacon.

126
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,240
Bacon. This used to cost a mere 1967.

127
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,960
And now, in the year of grace, £1 .40p.

128
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,840
I mean, just look at it.

129
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:53,320
It's repulsive.

130
00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:59,870
position is, and has always been, there's a shoe in my pocket.

131
00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:06,630
I think you'll agree, this shoe says it all.

132
00:12:08,290 --> 00:12:14,010
What this country needs, and I'm speaking off the cuff, off the cuff, is

133
00:12:14,010 --> 00:12:18,190
strict discipline, Rita, evenings after six.

134
00:12:21,710 --> 00:12:24,850
She is to put Britain back on its knees, on its feet.

135
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:30,020
Bacon. Bacon. The GCE.

136
00:12:30,220 --> 00:12:32,500
Are we to go round and round and round Europe?

137
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:36,440
Cap in hand, tail in hand, and cap between our legs?

138
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,980
Finishing up where we started?

139
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:40,400
What about Brussels?

140
00:12:40,740 --> 00:12:42,200
They're 18p now.

141
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:48,340
Some of us may wish our entry into Europe had been unavailably deterred.

142
00:12:48,780 --> 00:12:54,120
When Herr so -called Brandt, considerate British Foreign Secretary, forces.

143
00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:08,320
service I ordered two black coffers of the Daily Telegraph. You sent up what?

144
00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:12,260
I'd like to leave you with this thought.

145
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,360
Get off you drunken fool.

146
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:21,540
And I think that says it all. Good night and listen to you for thanking.

147
00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:22,780
Good night.

148
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,980
Once again, our podgy and intrepid hero, Piggy Malone, and his slightly more

149
00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:15,820
trepid assistant, Charlie Farley, pictured here, had managed to be in the

150
00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:19,100
place at the wrong time, and another murder had been committed behind their

151
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:23,080
backs. The latest victim, Dr Grist, had apparently died of an overdose of love,

152
00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:25,360
according to a note pinned to his pyjama trousers.

153
00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:29,640
Malone and Charlie checked through the facts carefully next morning, while

154
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,960
tucking into bacon and sausages, trying desperately to digest them.

155
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:35,500
Fact one.

156
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:40,340
There have been four people murdered since we arrived here four days ago.

157
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:41,699
Right, Chief.

158
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:44,480
Fact two, we haven't found any clues at all yet.

159
00:14:44,820 --> 00:14:48,360
Right. Fact three, there are five more people left.

160
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:53,560
Right. Therefore, question, was I silly to get a weekly return? Would I have

161
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,560
been better off for the month?

162
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:58,940
That's a little bit of a pessimistic attitude, Chief. I mean, you know.

163
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,800
I mean, sooner or later, we're bound to find him.

164
00:15:04,140 --> 00:15:05,140
Or her.

165
00:15:06,180 --> 00:15:07,180
Huh?

166
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:09,800
It could be a her.

167
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:14,960
You mean he could be a woman in disguise?

168
00:15:17,820 --> 00:15:20,100
Not him. The murderer.

169
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:21,900
Could be a her.

170
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:25,560
What?

171
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,120
Yes, sir?

172
00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:30,840
I'd like a word with you, my good man.

173
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,120
Yes, sir?

174
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,940
As you may know, four people have been murdered in this vicinity recently.

175
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:39,780
I had heard, sir.

176
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,340
Doesn't that strike you as odd?

177
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:42,499
No, sir.

178
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:45,900
Oh, it doesn't, eh? No, sir. Come on, Pike, what are you trying to hide?

179
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:48,280
A bit of bacon, sir.

180
00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:51,240
Come on, Pike.

181
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,480
You were jealous of the doctor.

182
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:54,759
Admit it.

183
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,260
Wouldn't you have liked to get your hands on him?

184
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,380
No, sir. What about Blanche, Miss Brimstone?

185
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,040
Oh, yes, I'd like to get my hands on her, sir.

186
00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:06,110
He means she wanted to get her hands on him. And your hands would be on her as

187
00:16:06,110 --> 00:16:07,150
soon as her hands were on the money.

188
00:16:07,870 --> 00:16:08,870
Isn't that right?

189
00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:12,850
I'm confused. I don't know whose hands are on what now, sir.

190
00:16:13,150 --> 00:16:14,150
All right.

191
00:16:16,490 --> 00:16:17,490
You can go.

192
00:16:17,630 --> 00:16:18,630
Yes, sir.

193
00:16:23,110 --> 00:16:24,110
Mike.

194
00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:25,950
Just one more thing.

195
00:16:27,410 --> 00:16:28,410
Yes, sir?

196
00:16:29,130 --> 00:16:30,690
Would it be possible to have another sausage?

197
00:16:30,970 --> 00:16:32,030
Sure, yes, sir.

198
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,250
I'll tell you one thing, sir.

199
00:16:37,190 --> 00:16:38,430
Hairy Jack knows.

200
00:16:38,650 --> 00:16:39,569
What's that?

201
00:16:39,570 --> 00:16:40,750
It's a sausage, sir.

202
00:16:42,150 --> 00:16:46,010
I mean, what did you say to him? He said, hairy... Who's Hairy Jack?

203
00:16:46,390 --> 00:16:49,290
Ah, that's more than my job's worth.

204
00:16:51,190 --> 00:16:52,450
What is your job worth?

205
00:16:52,790 --> 00:16:55,110
£2 ,500 a year, sir.

206
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:57,550
Yeah, that's not bad, is it?

207
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:01,360
Is that all found?

208
00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:06,200
Morning. Morning.

209
00:17:07,859 --> 00:17:09,339
Ah, I'm starving.

210
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,380
How did the grapefruit look this morning?

211
00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:12,599
Very nice indeed.

212
00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:16,079
Oh, dear.

213
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:24,579
Miss Brimstone, Harry Jack mean anything to you at all?

214
00:17:24,940 --> 00:17:25,799
Harry Jack?

215
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:26,800
Yes.

216
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:30,020
He lives all alone. All alone in the old fisherman's cottage on the cliff.

217
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:31,840
All alone?

218
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,280
Odd.

219
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:35,600
What's odd about it?

220
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,760
Well, why would he live in an old fisherman's cottage?

221
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:39,540
He's an old fisherman.

222
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:44,460
I'd hate you to see him if you like.

223
00:17:46,620 --> 00:17:50,260
I'd quite like a day on the beach. This chance remark from the beautifully

224
00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:53,640
proportioned Blanche, which seemed insignificant at the time, was to come

225
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,520
mean even less in the ensuing pattern of events.

226
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:57,880
Piggy Malone.

227
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:01,690
Unable to resist the idea of Blanche in a bikini, had decided to give Charlie

228
00:18:01,690 --> 00:18:05,470
the important task of questioning Hairy Jack, whilst he himself remained on the

229
00:18:05,470 --> 00:18:08,170
beach to keep an eye on, as he put it, our principal witness.

230
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:12,100
A man who had once played wing three -quarter for the England darts team

231
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:15,820
himself in the unlikely situation of introducing himself to a man he had

232
00:19:15,820 --> 00:19:17,340
even met, Harry Jack.

233
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:24,600
Now then, Jack, I want you to tell me, in your very own word, exactly what you

234
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:25,600
know of all murders.

235
00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:31,220
No, no, no, just a minute. I've got to check to see if this is recording all

236
00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:32,220
right.

237
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:34,880
Hello? Hello?

238
00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:42,620
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, Mary at the cottage gate. 1, 2, 3, 4,

239
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:43,760
Mary at the cottage gate.

240
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,360
So, England, boom, boom, boom.

241
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:51,420
England, boom, boom, boom. England, boom, boom, boom. Right, now, let's see

242
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:52,420
that's recorded all right.

243
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:56,920
No, it hasn't. Ah, well, never mind.

244
00:19:59,820 --> 00:20:00,820
Sorry, Jack.

245
00:20:01,220 --> 00:20:02,240
It shan't be a minute.

246
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,640
But even an innocent frolic on the beach did not escape the eagle eye of the

247
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:35,640
sinister gardeners.

248
00:20:36,020 --> 00:20:41,460
Ever present, ever watchful, and for the most part, permanently intoxicated.

249
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:51,760
It's brand new, this.

250
00:20:52,540 --> 00:20:53,540
Should work.

251
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:54,840
Fell off the back of a lorry.

252
00:20:55,860 --> 00:20:57,840
Take recorder.

253
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,100
Mains or battery.

254
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:04,540
Not plugged into the mains, therefore should work off the battery. Not

255
00:21:04,740 --> 00:21:05,719
Why not?

256
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:06,720
Answer.

257
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:08,360
No batteries.

258
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:10,520
Correct.

259
00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:15,260
I shall have to plug it into the mains.

260
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,620
That wall light will do.

261
00:21:21,700 --> 00:21:22,700
Oh.

262
00:21:23,140 --> 00:21:24,220
You've got gas lighting.

263
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,880
Oh, this won't work.

264
00:21:28,140 --> 00:21:29,800
Probably need a special adapter for that.

265
00:21:35,780 --> 00:21:36,780
Elevandar. Thank you, Sati.

266
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:15,320
Tell us all you know.

267
00:23:15,940 --> 00:23:16,940
Uh,

268
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,540
boy, they won't question the police.

269
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,120
We're all back in that flat, I'll tell you.

270
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,460
We're all going to come over.

271
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,640
We're all going to come over.

272
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,200
We're all going to come over. We're all going to come over.

273
00:23:31,620 --> 00:23:32,620
We're all going to come over.

274
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:34,880
Miss Blanche! Miss Blanche!

275
00:23:35,820 --> 00:23:38,520
Miss Blanche, quick, come round to the vegetable garden.

276
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:42,820
I've already told you, Pike, it's all over between us. No, no, Miss Blanche,

277
00:23:42,820 --> 00:23:43,820
that.

278
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:44,979
It's the godness.

279
00:23:44,980 --> 00:23:45,980
Oh, he's terrible!

280
00:24:15,530 --> 00:24:16,530
Where's Malone?

281
00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:21,070
Only Blanche knew the answer to that question. Had she deliberately left him

282
00:24:21,070 --> 00:24:22,069
there to die?

283
00:24:22,070 --> 00:24:25,250
What was the significance of the seagull? Would Malone get the message?

284
00:24:26,970 --> 00:24:30,570
The fish that old Jack had given to Charlie, was it a red herring?

285
00:24:33,970 --> 00:24:35,390
One thing was certain.

286
00:24:35,710 --> 00:24:39,430
There would be very little sleep for anyone that night.

287
00:25:19,370 --> 00:25:25,970
Listen to the melody Let the

288
00:25:25,970 --> 00:25:32,910
music take you Listen to

289
00:25:32,910 --> 00:25:39,590
the melody Let the music take

290
00:25:39,590 --> 00:25:46,310
you Listen to the melody Let

291
00:25:46,310 --> 00:25:47,350
the

292
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:52,840
Let the music take you.

293
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:57,620
Listen to the melody. We could be in harmony.

294
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:03,500
Let the music take you.

295
00:27:04,020 --> 00:27:08,340
Listen to the melody.

296
00:27:08,740 --> 00:27:11,240
Let we could be in harmony.

297
00:27:18,730 --> 00:27:19,730
Listen to the melody.

298
00:27:23,010 --> 00:27:24,570
Listen to the melody.

299
00:27:28,150 --> 00:27:29,770
Listen to the melody.

300
00:27:54,350 --> 00:27:55,690
Thank you very much, Georgie and Alan.

301
00:27:55,970 --> 00:28:01,890
Before I begin, I would just like to say thank you to all those viewers who sent

302
00:28:01,890 --> 00:28:05,270
in goodwill messages when we moved into our new house recently.

303
00:28:05,470 --> 00:28:09,010
These letters have come from all over the place, you know. Look at the

304
00:28:09,010 --> 00:28:09,669
on that one.

305
00:28:09,670 --> 00:28:10,670
Luton.

306
00:28:11,490 --> 00:28:13,250
I didn't know they had television in Luton.

307
00:28:13,930 --> 00:28:16,590
And here's one all the way from Slough.

308
00:28:17,790 --> 00:28:18,850
Anybody want the stamp?

309
00:28:20,180 --> 00:28:23,980
Now, I must be honest when I say that we just, we seem to have overcome all our

310
00:28:23,980 --> 00:28:25,540
teething troubles in the new house, you know.

311
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,960
I bought the kiddies a penguin last week.

312
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:31,560
I was going to buy them a pussycat, but the living room is still very damp.

313
00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:36,740
And if I can keep them away from picture books and other children, they'll never

314
00:28:36,740 --> 00:28:37,739
know the difference.

315
00:28:37,740 --> 00:28:42,220
Anyway, he's doing, he's doing a job. Feel free, please. Anyway, the penguin

316
00:28:42,220 --> 00:28:46,200
doing a grand job, and we haven't seen a fish since we got him.

317
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:49,560
Yes, we are getting a bit organised.

318
00:28:49,820 --> 00:28:54,200
I mean, there's an old chap from down the road, comes and amuses himself for

319
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:55,540
hour or so in the garden every morning.

320
00:28:56,220 --> 00:28:57,740
And we've seen the police about him.

321
00:28:59,340 --> 00:29:03,240
Now, the fellow who bought the house... That's the sort of stuff you like, is

322
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:04,240
it?

323
00:29:04,700 --> 00:29:08,860
The fellow who bought the house next door had a bit of bad luck. I must be

324
00:29:08,860 --> 00:29:12,240
honest, he had a bit of bad luck. He was banging a for -sale notice in and the

325
00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:13,240
house fell down.

326
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:17,320
Actually, I had an idea there was something wrong with that house when I

327
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,680
that the chap who was painting the back door was getting danger money.

328
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:23,220
Anyway, I had a chat with Mr. Mafia.

329
00:29:24,140 --> 00:29:26,480
That's the... That's the builder.

330
00:29:27,060 --> 00:29:30,260
Not the chap whose house fell down. He doesn't say much at all. A bit of a

331
00:29:30,260 --> 00:29:30,939
shock, really.

332
00:29:30,940 --> 00:29:33,840
The last I heard of him was he was trying to join the Brownies.

333
00:29:34,980 --> 00:29:38,200
So, as I say, I had a chat with the builder. I say a chat.

334
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:40,960
Actually, we were shouting through the letterbox at each other.

335
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:43,060
because we couldn't get the front door open.

336
00:29:43,860 --> 00:29:46,660
Now, I happened to mention this to him, and he said, it's your own fault, you

337
00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:47,660
shouldn't have closed it.

338
00:29:48,780 --> 00:29:51,960
Actually, I was going to tell him about the house being haunted, but in my

339
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:56,120
excitement, you know, I forgot, because it is haunted. There is definitely a

340
00:29:56,120 --> 00:30:00,300
ghostly apparition appears and stands at the foot of our bed every night on the

341
00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:01,300
stroke of midnight.

342
00:30:01,500 --> 00:30:03,560
Now, my wife is terrified.

343
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,520
Me, well, I'm not worried in the least, because I don't get home till one.

344
00:30:10,030 --> 00:30:13,250
That wasn't what I was going to tell you about. What I was going to say was that

345
00:30:13,250 --> 00:30:18,510
I went to a party last night. Now, that may not mean a lot to you. I mean, you

346
00:30:18,510 --> 00:30:21,810
probably go to parties night after night. We all know about viewers, don't

347
00:30:21,990 --> 00:30:24,070
So, anyway, we're at this party.

348
00:30:25,250 --> 00:30:29,910
There, there, you've got to find them over there. Now, so we're all around

349
00:30:29,910 --> 00:30:30,910
producer's house.

350
00:30:31,150 --> 00:30:35,110
Now, the producer's house, not this producer's, the actual producer, not any

351
00:30:35,110 --> 00:30:36,750
producer, this particular producer.

352
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,180
Terrence. We're all round at Terrence's house.

353
00:30:42,260 --> 00:30:46,140
Terrence. You know, just his friends and a few extras from the agency to fill

354
00:30:46,140 --> 00:30:47,140
the place up a bit.

355
00:30:47,620 --> 00:30:49,940
Anyway, we're having an absolutely great time.

356
00:30:50,140 --> 00:30:54,500
I am standing there, the glass of wine, a cigar, and the Daily Mirror.

357
00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:59,940
And a couple, another couple of guests, are dancing to a recording of a speech

358
00:30:59,940 --> 00:31:00,940
by Sir Winston Churchill.

359
00:31:04,300 --> 00:31:09,870
Now, the producer's wife, Maggie, is circulating among the guests trying to

360
00:31:09,870 --> 00:31:11,470
souvenir pictures of her wedding night.

361
00:31:13,030 --> 00:31:17,070
Right. Now, the party is just going along.

362
00:31:17,490 --> 00:31:22,350
You've got the picture, have you? Not the picture, I hope, but anyway, you've

363
00:31:22,350 --> 00:31:25,770
got the picture. The party is just going along nicely because this party can be

364
00:31:25,770 --> 00:31:29,470
a bit dreary. I remember the last one. A light bulb blew out and we were still

365
00:31:29,470 --> 00:31:30,730
laughing about it two hours later.

366
00:31:31,870 --> 00:31:36,150
Now, while I was standing there, it suddenly struck me that it was 15 years

367
00:31:36,150 --> 00:31:40,580
the day at just such an occasion that I met my first love, Mrs Wilkinson.

368
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:43,120
She was a widow.

369
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:46,520
Her husband drove the last tram out of Limestone. It was never heard of again.

370
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:51,200
I remember we got talking and I found that we had something in common.

371
00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:52,720
We were both drunk.

372
00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:57,800
Anyway, we finished up at her place, and she said to me, why don't you make

373
00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:00,100
yourself comfortable, you know, a bit more comfortable, make yourself

374
00:32:00,100 --> 00:32:02,860
comfortable, and take your clothes off. Ho, ho, ho, I thought.

375
00:32:03,100 --> 00:32:04,720
Well, it seemed a good idea at the time.

376
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,960
She said, I won't be a minute, and she popped out, you see. So I took off my

377
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:12,300
clothes, and I was just standing there, pouring myself a drink, when in she

378
00:32:12,300 --> 00:32:13,820
comes again with her three children.

379
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:17,160
And she says, now look, that's what you'll look like if you don't eat your

380
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:18,160
greens.

381
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:31,900
Tomorrow night, drama returns to BBC television with a new series of plays

382
00:32:31,900 --> 00:32:32,900
tomorrow.

383
00:32:32,980 --> 00:32:36,480
Viewers are warned that some of the dialogue in the first play is extremely

384
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:40,920
outspoken, dealing, as it does, with the passionate love affair of Charles

385
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:47,480
Wheeler and a live... The first in the new series tomorrow night is Lady

386
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:54,280
Windermere's... Good morning, Cyril. Have

387
00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:55,560
you... today?

388
00:32:56,560 --> 00:33:00,640
No, I'm afraid I had to... the old... myself.

389
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:03,159
Oh, good.

390
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,620
Did Cecilia and you... well?

391
00:33:05,820 --> 00:33:06,860
Oh, yes, beautifully.

392
00:33:07,180 --> 00:33:12,580
Mind you, we had a terrific... during the night.

393
00:33:14,580 --> 00:33:16,800
Oh, really? I thought Cecilia couldn't.

394
00:33:17,900 --> 00:33:20,540
Oh, yes, she gives you a wonderful...

395
00:33:27,310 --> 00:33:32,070
I'd heard she'd caught... Oh,

396
00:33:32,070 --> 00:33:37,510
it's got a round, has it?

397
00:33:38,510 --> 00:33:44,370
Here comes the vicar with his new... Has anyone seen my...

398
00:33:44,370 --> 00:33:49,650
She's my... As well as yours, you know.

399
00:33:49,970 --> 00:33:51,270
Have you seen her, Charles?

400
00:33:51,470 --> 00:33:53,790
Why me? Why me? Why should I have seen your little...

401
00:33:56,590 --> 00:33:57,489
hiding something.

402
00:33:57,490 --> 00:34:03,590
Listen, if she's lost her, you can say goodbye to your...

403
00:34:03,590 --> 00:34:10,170
Very well, then, if you must know, I love her. I love her with all

404
00:34:10,170 --> 00:34:15,929
my... Just a minute. I can see her sticking out behind the curtain.

405
00:34:17,949 --> 00:34:23,610
Well, I'll be... Tomorrow night on BBC One, Lady Windermere...

406
00:35:25,130 --> 00:35:27,230
Good evening, and thank you.

407
00:35:27,530 --> 00:35:31,950
And may I say how wonderful it is to be in your terrible country.

408
00:35:33,750 --> 00:35:40,510
My name is Karko, and for a start, I would like to ring up the Iron Curtain

409
00:35:40,510 --> 00:35:44,510
by introducing you to my gentleman friend, Vladimir Pesto.

410
00:35:52,870 --> 00:35:54,130
You are Pesto?

411
00:35:55,070 --> 00:35:56,630
No, I like it here.

412
00:35:58,510 --> 00:36:02,370
That is good. My friend here is a little defective.

413
00:36:04,270 --> 00:36:09,230
He has defected to the West and has asked to go in the political asylum.

414
00:36:09,650 --> 00:36:11,730
The House of Commons. That's the one.

415
00:36:13,870 --> 00:36:19,130
Well, now we are singing for you our first song, which, as always, is our

416
00:36:19,130 --> 00:36:20,130
voting song.

417
00:36:21,190 --> 00:36:22,190
Thank you, please.

418
00:36:30,990 --> 00:36:37,490
For once more, we must win the power of Sandy

419
00:36:37,490 --> 00:36:38,490
Shore.

420
00:36:39,190 --> 00:36:41,290
Sandy Shore.

421
00:36:41,630 --> 00:36:43,990
Sandy Shore.

422
00:36:44,830 --> 00:36:49,630
Let's all try and pull Sandy Shore.

423
00:36:50,710 --> 00:36:55,430
We'll be happy when we reach those shores.

424
00:37:26,060 --> 00:37:28,820
belts and we're glad we haven't got them.

425
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:34,180
A sailor's not a sailor till he's been on the bottom.

426
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:40,140
I'm getting heavier, eating too much caviar.

427
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:47,400
My name is

428
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:53,940
Vladimir and when I was a kid I came from Vladivostok and...

429
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:12,760
love all.

430
00:39:22,730 --> 00:39:28,030
Thank you, thank you. Now, as a final, we would like to finish you off with one

431
00:39:28,030 --> 00:39:34,310
of your own folk tunes, Green Grody Rashes All, which we have adapted for

432
00:39:34,310 --> 00:39:38,670
ourselves. And here is my gentleman friend to say good night.

433
00:39:39,730 --> 00:39:40,730
Hello.

434
00:39:41,590 --> 00:39:44,930
And thank you for letting me wish you a good night.

435
00:39:45,150 --> 00:39:49,470
Thank you for letting us put up with you, and thank you for putting us up for

436
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:50,470
the very good night.

437
00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:52,640
Thank you, please.

438
00:40:23,150 --> 00:40:28,630
What is your 3 -0? 3 -P for the rotten cup of tea.

439
00:40:28,950 --> 00:40:34,290
2 -2 for women's lip. Now they've burnt their bras, oh. They'll go brown when

440
00:40:34,290 --> 00:40:39,190
the sun goes down. If you hang them out the window, I'll sing you 4 -0.

441
00:40:39,410 --> 00:40:40,970
5 -6 -7 -0.

442
00:40:41,170 --> 00:40:46,630
What is your 7 -0? 7 for the seven deadly sins and 6 for the common market.

443
00:40:47,190 --> 00:40:52,930
5 pence a mile to drive your car and 4 pounds then to park it. Three, three for

444
00:40:52,930 --> 00:40:59,170
a rotten cup of tea Two, two for women's lip Now they've burnt their bras Oh, my

445
00:40:59,170 --> 00:41:06,110
wifey won't you keep us on She's built like a commando And Darcy's a flop with

446
00:41:06,110 --> 00:41:08,670
double top And she's got a full house for a bingo

447
00:41:51,279 --> 00:41:55,460
Well, that's all for this week. Thank you for joining us. But before we go,

448
00:41:55,460 --> 00:41:56,460
is the late weather report.

449
00:41:56,660 --> 00:41:59,100
Strong westerly winds cover the whole country today.

450
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:03,240
A man who ran out of petrol on the M4 near Bristol reached Reading before he

451
00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:04,240
found out.

452
00:42:05,380 --> 00:42:09,640
And confetti thrown at a wedding couple in West Hartlepool covered a wedding

453
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:10,660
couple in East Hartlepool.

454
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:14,960
But despite the winds, the talky regatta went on at Brighton, Dover and

455
00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:15,960
eventually Antwerp.

456
00:42:17,580 --> 00:42:21,220
And the free fall parachute display in Liverpool was watched by a large crowd

457
00:42:21,220 --> 00:42:22,220
Leeds.

458
00:42:22,820 --> 00:42:27,580
And a man who swallowed a barometer was admitted to Wandsworth Hospital tonight.

459
00:42:27,700 --> 00:42:31,240
His condition was described as set, fair, stormy later.

460
00:42:32,500 --> 00:42:36,560
And there's reassuring news about the plague of flies which hit Bradford early

461
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:40,080
today. It's been discovered that it was due to an explosion in a trouser button

462
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:41,080
factory.

463
00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:46,000
And... Finally...

464
00:42:46,330 --> 00:42:50,990
A Bournemouth woman who got carried away last January during a game of postman's

465
00:42:50,990 --> 00:42:52,890
knock has just had a special delivery.

466
00:42:55,630 --> 00:42:57,450
So it's good night from me.

467
00:42:57,650 --> 00:42:59,690
And it's good night from him. Good night. Good night.