1 00:00:27,370 --> 00:00:30,370 Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, isn't it? 2 00:00:30,450 --> 00:00:34,250 Now, on the show tonight, we've got several musical items, including the 3 00:00:34,250 --> 00:00:39,110 quartet of the British Twine Association, the mass pipes of the 4 00:00:39,110 --> 00:00:42,690 tobacconist, and the elastic band of the stationery office. 5 00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:46,250 But first, the news. 6 00:00:46,860 --> 00:00:50,760 The Department of Environment announced that a new electric car is to be 7 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:54,580 withdrawn from the market. A spokesman said it was a failure, it could only 8 00:00:54,580 --> 00:00:56,620 travel three yards if the flex wasn't long enough. 9 00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:03,700 And here's some traffic news. The M6 was promoted to M7 today. 10 00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:08,020 Motorists advised to continue as usual, but salute. 11 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:14,160 And the Ministry of Transport announced a new roundabout on the A1. 12 00:01:14,510 --> 00:01:17,010 It's 10p a go, three minutes a ride and bring the children. 13 00:01:18,950 --> 00:01:23,130 And here is a warning for drivers in the Midlands. The police apologise for the 14 00:01:23,130 --> 00:01:25,370 fact that due to repairs, all detours are closed. 15 00:01:26,010 --> 00:01:28,490 Motorists will have to use the alternative route, the M1. 16 00:01:30,650 --> 00:01:35,670 Thieves in a stolen car were apprehended today after a 100 -mile -per -hour 17 00:01:35,670 --> 00:01:38,830 chase by police constable Wainwright, who followed them on foot. 18 00:01:41,610 --> 00:01:45,430 Said PC Wainwright, I had no choice. They shut the door on my truncheon. 19 00:01:50,750 --> 00:01:55,210 And now... And now here's news of a record. 20 00:01:55,570 --> 00:01:56,610 Or another record. 21 00:01:57,010 --> 00:02:01,410 The biggest collection of matchboxes stuffed with sage and onion ever to 22 00:02:01,410 --> 00:02:05,050 the Severn Estuary in the largest barge ever powered by a clockwork engine 23 00:02:05,050 --> 00:02:09,509 designed by the tallest bald man in Worcestershire was sunk today. 24 00:02:11,230 --> 00:02:14,050 By the third largest brick ever thrown from Western Superman. 25 00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:22,690 A man appeared at Bow Street today, charged with dangerous driving. 26 00:02:23,050 --> 00:02:28,110 His car got out of control in a winding country lane and narrowly missed a very 27 00:02:28,110 --> 00:02:29,110 thin pig. 28 00:02:29,610 --> 00:02:32,350 He told the court it was a narrow squeak. 29 00:02:34,450 --> 00:02:36,490 And finally, some racing news. 30 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:41,220 At Kempton Park today, the starters in the 2 .30 were minestrone soup and 31 00:02:41,220 --> 00:02:42,220 grapefruit cocktail. 32 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,020 Prunes were withdrawn at the last moment. 33 00:02:48,260 --> 00:02:49,440 Only three ran. 34 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:57,020 Now, it's time for a sketch. In this sketch, you will, of course, see Ronnie 35 00:02:57,020 --> 00:03:01,220 Corbett, whose fan club yesterday gave him a huge ovation and a small pair of 36 00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:02,220 trousers. 37 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,340 And you'll also see Ronnie Barker, whose fan club yesterday gave him a huge pair 38 00:03:06,340 --> 00:03:07,760 of trousers and a small ovation. 39 00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:30,180 I'm awfully sorry. 40 00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:32,120 The door was locked. 41 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:37,800 Yes, I locked it, actually. I just came in here for a few moments, a few moments 42 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:38,940 of tranquility. 43 00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:43,860 Ghosts of yesterday and that sort of thing. I must be honest when I say that 44 00:03:43,860 --> 00:03:47,880 find these old boys' reunions terribly moving. 45 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,040 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. 46 00:03:52,260 --> 00:03:56,460 It's all right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bluff. It's all right. It's all 47 00:03:56,460 --> 00:04:00,680 right. As a matter of fact, I came in here for the very same reason. 48 00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:04,560 It's silly, really, isn't it? 49 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,320 I'm sorry. 50 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,660 Listen, your face is awfully familiar. 51 00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:15,800 Don't tell me... Scaife? Elliot House, 4349. Scaife, of course. 52 00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:17,480 But you were taller then. 53 00:04:19,980 --> 00:04:21,040 Well, well, well. 54 00:04:21,380 --> 00:04:22,720 Oh, lofty Scaife. 55 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:27,220 And you were... I was here behind you, Banyard. 56 00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,730 Good God, yes, Barnyard. No, no, no. 57 00:04:30,350 --> 00:04:31,710 Barnyard. I mean, Banyard. 58 00:04:32,590 --> 00:04:35,410 I know, but everyone used to call you Barnyard. Yes, they don't anymore. 59 00:04:35,890 --> 00:04:40,690 Now, wait a minute. There was you, me, and who was that other little girl? 60 00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:43,370 Pringle, Arthur Pringle. 61 00:04:43,990 --> 00:04:45,130 Arthur Pringle. Yes. 62 00:04:46,190 --> 00:04:49,570 Proper little sneak, wasn't he? Yes, he was. He was, really. I often, to be 63 00:04:49,570 --> 00:04:52,230 honest with you, I often thought he was a little girl. Yes. 64 00:04:53,590 --> 00:04:57,050 He did have a chitty in Jim to keep his vest on, didn't he? 65 00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:04,270 Tell me, whose fag was he? Oh, anybody's. 66 00:05:04,710 --> 00:05:10,170 Mind you, he was a damn good cricketer. I'll give the band a credit. 67 00:05:10,470 --> 00:05:16,930 He was the school's first homosexual wicketkeeper. He got his colours. 68 00:05:17,469 --> 00:05:18,469 Chosen himself. 69 00:05:20,350 --> 00:05:21,350 Therese and Violet. 70 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,630 There he is. 71 00:05:25,490 --> 00:05:28,630 I wonder where he is now. Well, in Denmark, according to the Sunday Mirror. 72 00:05:31,210 --> 00:05:33,590 Nothing like that about you there, was there? 73 00:05:34,110 --> 00:05:37,610 You were a former little beggar with the girls, if I remember correctly. Well, I 74 00:05:37,610 --> 00:05:39,090 did build up a slight reputation, yes. 75 00:05:39,870 --> 00:05:43,910 Tell me, whatever happened to that friend of your sister's, Joanna? That 76 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:45,650 used to come to open days with your sister. 77 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:48,090 Horse of the year, we used to call her. 78 00:05:49,690 --> 00:05:53,130 Remember, a great toothy thing with thighs like an elephant. 79 00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:57,450 Tell me, whatever happened to her? I married her. 80 00:05:59,890 --> 00:06:03,470 Oh, Lord, oh, Lord, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that tonight. I'm 81 00:06:03,650 --> 00:06:04,569 I'm awfully sorry. 82 00:06:04,570 --> 00:06:08,350 But you know what girls are like in their teens. I expect, I expect she's... 83 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:11,820 She's blossomed into an absolutely beautiful young baby. 84 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,640 No, no, no. It got very much worse, if anything. 85 00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:18,640 Rapidly downhill, I finally divorced her. Oh, dear. On what grounds, might I 86 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,200 ask? Well, on the grounds that she was trampling me to death, I suppose. 87 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:27,440 The general public do seem impressed with a public school education. I can't 88 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:28,780 pretend it hasn't helped. 89 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,580 No. You've done well, Havell. 90 00:06:30,820 --> 00:06:32,020 I have done well. 91 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,080 I have done well. 92 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,080 I've done well. 93 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:39,300 Well, well. 94 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,660 In fact, I've done extremely well. 95 00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:45,120 As well as you would expect it. 96 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,120 Oh, oh, yes, weller. I mean better. 97 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:53,780 Yes, fate has been terribly kind to us, really, because when one thinks back, 98 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,800 really, we were a couple of shockers. Oh, a couple of absolute cads, weren't 99 00:06:57,860 --> 00:06:59,420 No essential moral fibre. 100 00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:03,600 As Matron said when she caught me with my hand up her apron, you're a very 101 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,680 naughty, wicked, rude boy, and I want to see you in my room. 102 00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:08,100 At midnight. 103 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,680 A shocking pair. 104 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:12,320 Yes, they were, but I lived with them. 105 00:07:15,390 --> 00:07:17,630 I mean us, I mean us. Oh, you mean us? I mean us, yes. 106 00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:21,990 Now, of course, everything seems, doesn't it not, shrouded in the mist of 107 00:07:21,990 --> 00:07:25,170 nostalgia. I'd almost really forgotten Pringle, you know. Have you really? Yes. 108 00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:27,890 If only, if only one could make amends. Indeed. 109 00:07:28,150 --> 00:07:30,170 Give something back. A small donation. 110 00:07:30,390 --> 00:07:34,230 Not too much, nothing too ostentatious. No. I know. What about the Scaife 111 00:07:34,230 --> 00:07:39,170 Banyard Memorial Prize for Grit? What about that? It could stand there in the 112 00:07:39,170 --> 00:07:40,250 middle of all the other trophies. 113 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:44,630 Just a minute. 114 00:07:45,930 --> 00:07:47,330 Where are all the other trophies? 115 00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,050 What? 116 00:07:57,170 --> 00:08:01,110 What can I say? What can I say, Banner? A few of all people to find out. Yes, I 117 00:08:01,110 --> 00:08:04,330 stole them. I came here to steal them. And when you came in, I was on my way to 118 00:08:04,330 --> 00:08:06,010 the headmaster's study to take the rowing cups. 119 00:08:07,230 --> 00:08:08,430 They're not there anymore. 120 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:13,070 Do you mean they're... They're in there? 121 00:08:13,770 --> 00:08:14,770 Every one of them. 122 00:08:17,099 --> 00:08:19,340 Same old banyan. Same old scapegoat. 123 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:24,100 Well, will you be coming down here next year? Oh, why not? One always gets 124 00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:25,100 something out of it. 125 00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:29,810 And she's the daughter of a well -respected man who 126 00:09:29,810 --> 00:09:33,090 taught her how to love and understand. 127 00:09:55,050 --> 00:09:56,970 She's a sweet little rock and roll. 128 00:10:26,730 --> 00:10:27,730 Spring! 129 00:10:58,660 --> 00:11:02,280 She never gets any older. 130 00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:29,460 Good evening. 131 00:11:29,620 --> 00:11:30,620 Here is the news. 132 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,080 And now the rest of the news. 133 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:54,600 It's still raining. 134 00:11:55,740 --> 00:12:00,180 And, uh... And the 8 .33 from Watford arrived eight minutes late this morning, 135 00:12:00,260 --> 00:12:03,380 and there was a woman in an absurd pink hat on the train. 136 00:12:04,180 --> 00:12:05,640 And it was raining at the bus stop. 137 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:11,380 At 149 Boddington Road Harrow this morning, it was announced that unless 138 00:12:11,380 --> 00:12:14,200 something was done about the back boiler, there was going to be trouble. 139 00:12:17,580 --> 00:12:20,560 Later, a man was understood to be helping his wife with the washing up. 140 00:12:23,950 --> 00:12:26,910 My left hand is slightly larger than my right hand. 141 00:12:28,270 --> 00:12:30,050 It was stated in London today. 142 00:12:30,510 --> 00:12:33,050 Ah, here is a late news flash. 143 00:12:33,550 --> 00:12:35,750 Pull yourself together, man, and tell them something. 144 00:12:40,370 --> 00:12:41,370 Ha, 145 00:12:46,770 --> 00:12:47,770 ha. 146 00:12:48,230 --> 00:12:50,290 Auntie Clara and Uncle Bob are well. 147 00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:52,730 And send their love. 148 00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:56,870 They've had two fine days, and Bimby and the twins are loving it, and they'll 149 00:12:56,870 --> 00:12:58,870 close now, hoping to see you on Saturday. 150 00:13:01,130 --> 00:13:08,030 It was announced today that Edwin Clump has the best terms for 151 00:13:08,030 --> 00:13:13,150 light removal in our jobs, and he further stated that he would go anywhere 152 00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:14,670 in fact, do anything. 153 00:13:15,890 --> 00:13:18,310 We hope to have some film of that in our next bulletin. 154 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,880 Later today, later today, Her Majesty the Queen promised to pay the bearer on 155 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,420 demand the sum of one pound. 156 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:35,900 The average contents of a box of matches is 36. 157 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:40,120 And, officer inspecting food, what is this? 158 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:44,240 Sergeant, it's bean soup, sir. Officer, I don't care what it's been, what is it 159 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:45,240 now? 160 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,300 Joke number 76, copyright made in Sweden. 161 00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:53,760 H .P. Ebersharp. 162 00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:00,320 Jenny 2468049. 163 00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:01,700 Easy. 164 00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:09,940 Robert Dougal loves Dusty Springfield, 1967. 165 00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:15,840 Ingle Nook, Watchmakers. 166 00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:18,220 12345. 167 00:14:20,850 --> 00:14:21,890 789 -1011 -dot. 168 00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:27,470 And if any of you have got any news items that you'd like to hear, send them 169 00:14:27,470 --> 00:14:28,470 to me, please. 170 00:14:29,090 --> 00:14:30,090 Care of the BBC. 171 00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:31,470 And please hurry. 172 00:14:32,230 --> 00:14:33,230 Oh, thanks. 173 00:14:33,750 --> 00:14:34,910 And now I've got the sack. 174 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:22,320 The latest disaster to hit Brimston Grange, scene of many a gory tragedy in 175 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,740 past week, was the mass murder of the gardeners buried in their own vegetable 176 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:29,240 patch. The spectacle was too much for the hot -blooded but highly strong 177 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,680 Blanche. She collapsed onto the ground in a dead faint. 178 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:36,560 Charlie Farley stood by helplessly, but his overweight boss, Piggy Malone, knew 179 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:40,080 there was only one thing to do, carry her back to the house as quickly as 180 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:41,080 possible. 181 00:17:24,940 --> 00:17:27,660 Three hours later, they were still no nearer to solving the mystery. 182 00:17:28,099 --> 00:17:31,740 Malone had suggested that they all relax and make their minds a blank. And in 183 00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:35,020 this, they had found the beautifully built Blanche more than cooperative. 184 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:37,900 Who's turning it? 185 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,840 I think it's Malone's. 186 00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:43,780 But he's asleep. 187 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:45,680 Are you sure? 188 00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:51,760 Well, nobody snores like that when they're awake. 189 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,740 Then it's your turn again, if you like. 190 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:01,780 Would you like? 191 00:18:04,540 --> 00:18:05,620 I don't mind. 192 00:18:06,780 --> 00:18:08,120 If you think it helps. 193 00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:12,740 If I think it does. 194 00:18:14,820 --> 00:18:15,820 Fine. 195 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:17,900 Okay. 196 00:18:25,260 --> 00:18:29,200 I spy with my little eye... Gee. 197 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,400 Otto. That begins with O. No, these begin with T. 198 00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:38,800 Must be Otto, the murderer. 199 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,040 What makes you say that? 200 00:18:40,340 --> 00:18:43,880 Well, look, Charlie, it's only him left, and Pike the butler. What about Billy 201 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,720 Brimstone and his brand -new blushing bride, Brenda? They're still alive and 202 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:50,500 kicking. How do you know? Well, they're in the room next door to mine. 203 00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:52,960 And that's my point. 204 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,060 Was it? I'm sorry. No, I mean, that's exactly what I mean. 205 00:18:57,740 --> 00:18:59,840 Otto is insanely jealous of Billy. 206 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:01,340 He's always been in love with Brenda. 207 00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:05,720 Everybody knows that. Well, I didn't. I mean everybody who is anybody. 208 00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:06,979 Oh, dear. 209 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:11,740 I think we should keep a very close eye on Herr Otto Van Danse. 210 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,080 Remember, he's a crack shot. 211 00:19:27,159 --> 00:19:30,880 Suddenly, a young couple hove into view and almost immediately began to heave 212 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:31,880 out again. 213 00:19:32,220 --> 00:19:35,820 Otto's eyes narrowed and his nostrils widened. It was Billy Brimstone and his 214 00:19:35,820 --> 00:19:37,160 brand -new blushing bride, Brenda. 215 00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:41,580 In the few short weeks since Otto had first met the happy couple, he had 216 00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:43,580 the victim of a strange love -hate relationship. 217 00:19:43,980 --> 00:19:45,940 He loved her and he hated him. 218 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:52,380 And so it was that on that bright afternoon, a strange game of chess was 219 00:19:52,380 --> 00:19:53,380 itself out. 220 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,860 and the overweight detective and his fearful assistant Charlie were to find 221 00:19:56,860 --> 00:20:00,160 themselves mere pawns in a deadly battle for survival. 222 00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:44,960 Thank you. 223 00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:58,520 Give me my change. 224 00:23:00,540 --> 00:23:05,080 Not any better? 225 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,120 No, not on me, no. 226 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,140 You're Otto von Tanzer. I recognize his birth. 227 00:23:52,420 --> 00:23:55,440 So, you have discovered my guilty secret. 228 00:23:57,820 --> 00:24:03,720 I am taking your lovely bride with me. Should you attempt to follow, you will 229 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,480 die. You, you German pig. 230 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:13,200 In spite of me, I demand satisfaction. 231 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:21,920 We'll settle this once and for all. 232 00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:23,480 Follow me. Thank you, sir. 233 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:28,520 And so Otto Van Dancer, a recognized crack shot, was to fight a duel with 234 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,600 Billy Brimston, a man whose inaccuracy was well known. 235 00:24:32,020 --> 00:24:35,380 Even at his London club, he had never once got his umbrella into the stand at 236 00:24:35,380 --> 00:24:36,380 the first attempt. 237 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,280 Had they really killed each other? Or was that strange notice board merely a 238 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,460 part of a killer's fiendish sense of humour? And what was Blanche doing in 239 00:25:27,460 --> 00:25:30,060 woods? Had she gone there simply to pick her nosegay? 240 00:25:31,420 --> 00:25:32,840 I'll only tell you to find out. 241 00:25:33,180 --> 00:25:34,340 One thing was certain. 242 00:25:34,540 --> 00:25:37,500 There would be very little sleep for anyone that night. 243 00:25:54,860 --> 00:26:01,520 Bit of fatter, bit of fatter, bit of fatter, bit of fatter. One drop of rain 244 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:02,940 your window pane. 245 00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:10,820 Doesn't mean to say there's a thunderstorm coming. Rain me for, for an 246 00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:14,020 hour or more, but it doesn't matter. 247 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,380 You know it doesn't matter. 248 00:26:30,439 --> 00:26:32,040 It doesn't matter. 249 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,340 You know, it doesn't matter. 250 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:42,220 One little word that you may have overheard doesn't mean to say that 251 00:26:42,220 --> 00:26:43,360 my love for you. 252 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:52,280 And... 253 00:27:34,870 --> 00:27:37,590 Doesn't mean to say that my love... 254 00:28:30,490 --> 00:28:32,290 Thank you. 255 00:29:13,820 --> 00:29:18,580 lovely voice wasn't it lovely i hope you're going to uh talking about voices 256 00:29:18,580 --> 00:29:22,110 excuse my voice this evening because I've got a little bit of a cold. 257 00:29:22,730 --> 00:29:23,830 Can't seem to shake it off. 258 00:29:24,430 --> 00:29:25,590 I've had it since I was 11. 259 00:29:28,970 --> 00:29:31,950 Don't say, please don't say, have you tried penicillin? 260 00:29:32,290 --> 00:29:36,670 Because I've had so much penicillin that every time I sneeze, I cure somebody. 261 00:29:37,550 --> 00:29:42,770 They even sent me to the studio doctor to see the studio doctor before the 262 00:29:42,970 --> 00:29:44,370 So I went along to the surgery. 263 00:29:44,870 --> 00:29:45,870 The surgery. 264 00:29:46,010 --> 00:29:47,650 A weighing machine and an eye bath. 265 00:29:48,870 --> 00:29:49,870 You can hardly... 266 00:29:50,140 --> 00:29:51,640 Hardly called it a surgery, really. 267 00:29:51,980 --> 00:29:55,100 Now, he had a look at me, asked me if I'd lost weight or gutted a thing in my 268 00:29:55,100 --> 00:29:56,480 eye, and told me to have faith. 269 00:29:56,980 --> 00:30:03,140 Now, I go in there for a head cold, and all he told me was that I haven't got a 270 00:30:03,140 --> 00:30:04,140 hernia. 271 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:09,380 Now, he took so many blood samples, I think he must have been keeping an 272 00:30:09,380 --> 00:30:10,380 friend. 273 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:14,780 You see, the trouble with the BBC is, the trouble is that they won't pay these 274 00:30:14,780 --> 00:30:16,060 people. I mean, it's pitiful. 275 00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:20,280 I mean, the only time this fellow has a meal... It's when there's food poisoning 276 00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,240 in the canteen and they send somebody over for analysis. 277 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:25,180 I mean, you've no idea what goes on. 278 00:30:25,420 --> 00:30:28,880 Well, things are much better now than they used to be. I mean, the old chap 279 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:32,120 before him, he used to live on wild berries and what he could catch in the 280 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:33,200 shrubbery outside the studio. 281 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:37,160 A late spring in 1969, he was gone. 282 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:43,120 I remember it was 1969 because 1969 was a very unlucky year. 283 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,400 That was the year that my Uncle Mildred... 284 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:54,100 the one who had the accident in the sawmill, he became the first person to 285 00:30:54,100 --> 00:30:56,060 down Everest on a tin tray. 286 00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,500 And we buried him where he came to rest. 287 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:02,260 Just outside Watford. 288 00:31:04,180 --> 00:31:09,820 Which reminds me of a very funny story about an artist from Watford, which is a 289 00:31:09,820 --> 00:31:12,080 bit of luck because it does take our mind off Uncle Mildred. 290 00:31:12,860 --> 00:31:14,680 My God, he must have been going in a hell of a leap. 291 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,860 Anyway, this artist, This artist meets this girl, you see, and she said to him, 292 00:31:19,900 --> 00:31:21,240 will you paint me in the nude? 293 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:25,920 And he said, well, actually, I don't suppose for a minute she came out with 294 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:26,799 just like that. 295 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:30,220 I mean, when I took up art, I mean, I had a devil of a job getting a nude to 296 00:31:30,220 --> 00:31:30,999 model for me. 297 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,200 Ten pounds an hour. Take it or leave it. 298 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:36,380 No five bob for a quick look and run all the way home and do it again. 299 00:31:39,860 --> 00:31:40,719 I'll tell you. 300 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:45,180 The most important lesson I learned was this. 301 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:49,760 When drawing the nude female model, you must be completely detached. 302 00:31:50,420 --> 00:31:51,600 You shouldn't even speak. 303 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,000 Now, this is where I made my first mistake. 304 00:31:55,180 --> 00:31:58,080 She took off her clothes, and I said, I love you. 305 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:05,740 It was a careless remark, and a promising career in ruins. 306 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,480 Luckily, I hadn't spent a lot of money on equipment. 307 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:11,840 All I had up to then was a buyer and an empty cornflake packet. 308 00:32:14,830 --> 00:32:17,570 Which the magistrate ordered to be destroyed for my own good. 309 00:32:19,570 --> 00:32:24,630 That was all a long time ago. Although I sometimes do think of taking up 310 00:32:24,630 --> 00:32:27,430 painting, you know, now that I can do the thing properly. I've got plenty of 311 00:32:27,430 --> 00:32:31,290 brushes, paint, an easel, my own studio, and a damn good solicitor. 312 00:32:32,670 --> 00:32:34,310 Anyway, the artist and the girl joke. 313 00:32:34,730 --> 00:32:38,530 Actually, this joke is a little bit strong. It's the joke they said could 314 00:32:38,530 --> 00:32:41,400 told. What can they do to me? I can always work in the railways, can't I? 315 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:44,580 That's the trouble these days. There's not enough people with the courage of 316 00:32:44,580 --> 00:32:45,580 their own convictions. 317 00:32:46,020 --> 00:32:47,240 And I happen to be one of them. 318 00:32:47,660 --> 00:32:54,640 So there's these two Irishmen, you see, who wants to work for the 319 00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,640 railways. There's these two Irishmen, you see. 320 00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:59,960 Their names are Pat and Mike, you see. 321 00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:03,920 Now, one day, Pat said to Mike, why don't we go, a rather posh Irishman, 322 00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:07,660 actually, why don't we go, he said, why don't we go and hire a boat and go 323 00:33:07,660 --> 00:33:10,320 fishing? Right, said Mike, who wasn't quite so posh. 324 00:33:11,300 --> 00:33:12,440 Right, right. 325 00:33:14,340 --> 00:33:17,760 Right, he said, which is exactly what they do. They went off, you see, fishing 326 00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,980 in this boat, caught lots and lots of fish, and Pat said to Mike, that's the 327 00:33:20,980 --> 00:33:22,900 posh one, faith and begorrah, he said. 328 00:33:23,140 --> 00:33:24,820 Faith and begorrah, said the posh Pat. 329 00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:29,120 This is a very fine place for fishing. Why don't we come and fish this very 330 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:30,120 tomorrow? 331 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:34,020 Well, Mike said, who was the less posh one, said, but how are we to know where 332 00:33:34,020 --> 00:33:35,780 to find the spot? He was the less posh one. 333 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:40,200 How are we to know where to... Well, Mike said, this is very easy. He said, 334 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:41,580 make a mark on the side of the boat. 335 00:33:45,300 --> 00:33:47,940 Oh, Fat said, that's ridiculous. We might not get the same boat. 336 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:28,080 That's the one, yes. 337 00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:40,600 Exciting news for all those who love the romantic, exhilarating rhythm of the 338 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:41,600 Viennese waltz. 339 00:34:41,739 --> 00:34:45,659 A Vienna music publisher has just unearthed a long -lost operetta based on 340 00:34:45,659 --> 00:34:50,940 Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, with music by the waltz king, Johann Strauss. 341 00:34:55,710 --> 00:35:02,710 Back in his dear imperial role, Trumpets we hear in and flee. 342 00:35:04,790 --> 00:35:06,670 It's Julian T. 343 00:35:07,070 --> 00:35:13,910 Oh, what joy to see him on once more, Twirling, whirling, round the 344 00:35:13,910 --> 00:35:20,830 hill floor, Junking, grunting, to a German fan, Just to see the emperor 345 00:35:20,830 --> 00:35:22,410 walk his friend. 346 00:35:23,820 --> 00:35:27,620 Much thanks, good people, for your welcome here. The wars have kept me from 347 00:35:27,620 --> 00:35:32,400 for a year, but all this time I've longed and yearned and sighed for 348 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:34,060 Calpurnia, my sweet bride. 349 00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:37,120 She's waiting still, as luscious as a plum. 350 00:35:37,420 --> 00:35:40,400 And so, folks, Calpurnia, here I come. 351 00:35:41,020 --> 00:35:45,580 Good Mark Antony, thine ample form is welcome to my sight. 352 00:35:45,820 --> 00:35:46,820 It seems so long. 353 00:35:47,060 --> 00:35:48,340 Aye, and much wider, too. 354 00:35:52,110 --> 00:35:53,990 Wait around the forum since I saw thee last. 355 00:35:54,290 --> 00:35:56,090 It is true. I eat too much Italian food. 356 00:35:56,610 --> 00:35:58,510 Cut the spaghetti, my physician says. 357 00:35:58,730 --> 00:36:00,490 But that just makes it easier to eat. 358 00:36:01,610 --> 00:36:06,090 I love thy newfound girth. It merely means you're now a bigger friend than 359 00:36:06,090 --> 00:36:07,090 you were. 360 00:36:08,090 --> 00:36:10,250 Unlike to Cassius, who just sidled in. 361 00:36:10,750 --> 00:36:15,970 He usurps my power and he is thin. He craves my crown, he craves my land, my 362 00:36:15,970 --> 00:36:18,430 life. The man's a proper craver. So is his wife. 363 00:36:20,110 --> 00:36:22,090 Good citizens of Rome, hear Caesar's words. 364 00:36:22,410 --> 00:36:24,610 Let me have men about me that are fat. 365 00:36:28,190 --> 00:36:35,030 Young Cassius has a hungry look, a lean and mean and hungry 366 00:36:35,030 --> 00:36:41,890 look. And he thinks too much, and he drinks too much, and he whispers and he 367 00:36:41,890 --> 00:36:43,410 winks too much. 368 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:56,120 And he went off. 369 00:36:56,420 --> 00:36:57,420 I had forgot. 370 00:36:57,500 --> 00:36:59,300 The Ides of March are here. 371 00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,380 I have a message for thy secret ear. 372 00:37:03,100 --> 00:37:04,420 Oh, hearken to me, Caesar. 373 00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:05,578 I insist. 374 00:37:05,580 --> 00:37:07,380 All right, don't get thy toga in a twist. 375 00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:10,520 Make you good night. The day draws to a close. 376 00:37:13,420 --> 00:37:15,680 It's just as well, that nosy so -and -so's. 377 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:21,320 I met a tooth there once, when but a you. What did the tooth there say? He 378 00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:22,320 a tooth. 379 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:24,160 Beware! 380 00:37:25,260 --> 00:37:26,259 Beware the Ides of March. 381 00:37:26,260 --> 00:37:29,720 Take care. Take care. Oh, no. Take care. 382 00:37:30,020 --> 00:37:35,660 Beware. Beneath this very arch, I prophesy you die, die, die, die, die. 383 00:37:35,660 --> 00:37:38,220 never heard such a lot of rot. 384 00:37:38,500 --> 00:37:39,780 Lot of rot? 385 00:37:40,100 --> 00:37:41,280 Lot of rot. 386 00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:44,320 Now go and buy me an apricot. 387 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:45,920 Very well, Caesar. 388 00:37:46,220 --> 00:37:47,220 Tat -ta. 389 00:37:47,540 --> 00:37:51,860 Look who's coming. Good old Brutus. Hello, Caesar. Hello, Brutus. Why for do 390 00:37:51,860 --> 00:37:53,720 not salute us? Because you are a pig. 391 00:37:54,300 --> 00:37:58,100 When you speak, men turn pale. Lift that barge, toot that bale. Well, you're 392 00:37:58,100 --> 00:38:03,180 through now. That's your cue now. And that, and that, you wicked little work. 393 00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:35,740 All right, lads. Great. 394 00:38:36,300 --> 00:38:42,620 Oh, mighty Caesar, doth thou lie so low? 395 00:38:42,980 --> 00:38:47,240 Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 396 00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:52,780 Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. 397 00:38:53,220 --> 00:38:56,940 Anoint great Caesar's bony knees with tears. 398 00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:00,540 For though he was not handsome, strong, or tall, 399 00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,180 This was the nobliest Roman of them all. 400 00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:09,480 But see, a sign, a portent far from good. 401 00:39:09,700 --> 00:39:13,100 The river Tiber doth run red. 402 00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:14,540 With blood? 403 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:22,920 Yes, the Tiber's red. 404 00:39:23,340 --> 00:39:25,100 It's red, so red. 405 00:39:25,460 --> 00:39:28,960 For either hath bled. He's bled, he's bled. 406 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:30,760 Yes, either is dead. 407 00:39:31,050 --> 00:39:32,610 Be dead, be dead. 408 00:39:32,890 --> 00:39:34,330 And killers have fled. 409 00:39:34,770 --> 00:39:36,190 They fled, they fled. 410 00:39:36,590 --> 00:39:38,130 And tears must be shed. 411 00:39:38,370 --> 00:39:39,950 Be shed, be shed. 412 00:39:40,210 --> 00:39:41,610 By Tom, Dick and Fred. 413 00:39:41,950 --> 00:39:43,430 Tom, Dick and Fred. 414 00:39:43,790 --> 00:39:45,470 Our hearts are like lead. 415 00:39:46,070 --> 00:39:47,570 Just like lead. 416 00:39:47,910 --> 00:39:48,910 What's ahead? 417 00:39:49,350 --> 00:39:50,750 We dread, we dread. 418 00:39:51,230 --> 00:39:52,810 What? We'll have no more of this. 419 00:39:53,010 --> 00:39:54,110 In heaven's name. 420 00:39:54,390 --> 00:39:56,770 Great Caesar, many daggers rent thy frame. 421 00:39:56,990 --> 00:39:58,830 And yet we're all not alive. 422 00:39:59,290 --> 00:40:00,290 How so? 423 00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:02,520 Cos tis not yet the Ronnie Barker show. 424 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:03,759 No. 425 00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:08,040 A happy ending was decreed by Strauss, so I live on to play the second house. 426 00:40:08,220 --> 00:40:10,420 I'll pardon every Roman, true or false. 427 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:11,820 Oh, thanks, great Caesar. 428 00:40:12,100 --> 00:40:13,140 May I have this wall? 429 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:22,600 Six, a new, a happy ending, too. Six, a new, a happy ending, too. Six, a new, a 430 00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:25,820 happy ending, too. When things look dark, you scoot by faithfully. 431 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,720 And so, good Mark, would you come along? 432 00:40:30,730 --> 00:40:33,050 Oh, to the palazzo fatso. 433 00:40:39,450 --> 00:40:42,090 We'll say finish, which is that before. 434 00:41:05,250 --> 00:41:06,750 Well, that's all for this week. 435 00:41:07,110 --> 00:41:11,050 Next week, an enterprising farmer in Herefordshire will tell you how he's 436 00:41:11,050 --> 00:41:13,090 training animals to do his office work for him. 437 00:41:13,330 --> 00:41:17,510 So far, he's produced a pig that grunts into a dictaphone, a horse that carries 438 00:41:17,510 --> 00:41:21,110 a cup of coffee in its mouth, and a sheep that sits on the boss's lap and 439 00:41:21,110 --> 00:41:22,110 sheep's eyes at him. 440 00:41:22,790 --> 00:41:26,590 But he's had no success at all with his herd of short -horned typists. 441 00:41:29,630 --> 00:41:33,190 And we'll be telling you about a new BBC programme. 442 00:41:33,820 --> 00:41:35,980 dealing with the problems of the oversexed. 443 00:41:36,220 --> 00:41:38,680 This programme will be shown 14 times a week. 444 00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:44,880 I shall watch it three or four times myself. 445 00:41:46,500 --> 00:41:51,720 The teeth of a prehistoric mammoth were found today in Sussex. This is a double 446 00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:55,000 event, according to the man who found them, Professor Smithers. Not only are 447 00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:58,500 they the world's oldest teeth, but they were in the world's biggest glass of 448 00:41:58,500 --> 00:41:59,500 water. 449 00:42:00,940 --> 00:42:04,720 And a British pharmacologist from Cambridge made a remarkable breakthrough 450 00:42:04,720 --> 00:42:08,380 medicine today when he mixed a packet of aspirins with a bottle of glue and 451 00:42:08,380 --> 00:42:09,980 discovered the cure for the splitting headache. 452 00:42:14,020 --> 00:42:17,460 And now it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight. 453 00:42:17,580 --> 00:42:18,580 Goodnight. Goodnight.