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Good evening, it's nice to be with you for this, the last show of the present

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series. And tonight we've got a high wire act by the GPO's telegraph pole

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repairers, juggling by the staff of the statistics office, and tap dancing by 20

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Glasgow plumbers.

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And we'll be talking to two girls who went on expensive holidays to Italy and

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felt the pinch.

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And now the news. A man was fined £500 at Stevenage today for forging rare

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bird's eggs.

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He told the court he bought supermarket eggs and painted speckles on them.

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Staff at the Natural History Museum became suspicious after he sent them a

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of six medium -large golden eagle's eggs and a tawny owl's egg stamped Tesco.

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There was a garden party at Buckingham Palace this afternoon.

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33 gardens attended, along with seven cabbage patches and a rockery.

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But Percy Thrower's compost heap was refused admission.

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On the island of Skye, the unemployment figures for last month were one.

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As the island has no unemployment clerk to pay the unemployed man, they gave him

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the job of unemployment clerk.

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This month's unemployment figures dropped dramatically.

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They are now nil.

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However, said an island spokesman, as the unemployment clerk now has no one to

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pay, they will have to sack him.

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And now the weather.

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Reports are coming in of a freak tidal wave in Birmingham, mountain avalanches

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in Norfolk, six -foot snowdrifts in the North Sea, and a very good party at the

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Met Office.

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There was a row at the Miss Silver Screen beauty contest when contestants

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asked to remove the top half of their bikinis after allegations that their

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were padded.

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Miss Susan Hampshire said people were making mountains out of molehills.

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Miss Barbara Windsor said she would be letting down her supporters, and Twiggy

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flatly refused.

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Miss, uh, Miss Raquel Welsh, however, agreed to remove her bra, and in doing

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knocked out all the other competitors.

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And now, a sketch about enormous embarrassment at a small, intimate

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Ronnie Corbett will play the small intimate party.

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And Ronnie Barker will play the enormous embarrassment.

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Hello, George. Hello.

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Have a sausage roll.

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Oh, I'm sorry, a cheese straw.

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Oh, bless you.

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I'm awfully sorry, awfully sorry. Just that whenever anyone mentions food, I

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sneeze, you see.

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Oh, dear.

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Oh, dear. I'm sorry about that. Have a little drink. Thanks a lot. Drink to

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better health. A little toast.

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Sorry.

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Sorry. Oh, dear.

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Come on. Oh, I said toast.

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No!

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It's all right. It's fine.

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I'm quite used to it, really.

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Tell me, how's your golf?

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Oh, very, very good, actually. I played Addington yesterday.

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Yes. Wonderful greens.

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The whole trouble started, you see, when I went to see this damned hypnotist,

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the great misto. Well, he put me under, you see, and he got me to do this

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sneezing as a sort of lark. Moo!

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Oh, you go, pardon? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

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I do that rather silly moo every time someone mentions a bird, and you said L

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-R -K.

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L -A -R... Oh, lark!

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Moo!

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Sorry.

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You see, I went to the great misto, too, and he hypnotised me as well.

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You know he's coming to this party, don't you? That's why I'm here.

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The first damn thing he can do is the cure us. Certainly, yes.

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In the meantime, we'll just avoid mentioning food and birds.

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Yes, quite, quite.

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We've got to say something, I suppose.

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Can't chicken out...

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what we'll do. We'll get someone else over here and we'll talk to someone else

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and forget all about it, all right? Yeah, good idea.

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Right, right.

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Robin! Oh, I'm sorry.

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I picked the wrong channel.

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Hello, Robert.

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Yes, Robert.

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Well, just be Robert for the minute, would you? This is Robert, this is

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Robert Swan.

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I beg your pardon. How do you do?

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Have you met my girlfriend? She's over there. Oh, yes. Which one is that? She's

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the red.

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Oh, dear. I'm sorry. This really does take the biscuit.

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Gesundheit. Bing!

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Pardon? Pardon?

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I'm terribly sorry. You see, I went to this hypnotist. The great Mr.

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Yes. Now, whenever I hear a German word, I go, Bing!

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It's very painful.

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Oh, yes, well, it can be. It can be.

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Yes, well, very well, we mustn't say any German words. No, of course indeed not.

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No, sorry.

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Awfully cold weather we've been having. Absolutely bitter.

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Bitter? Bang!

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Oh, nuts!

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I'm awfully sorry. Look, we must stop this. Everybody's rather looking at us.

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It's time to be unobtrusive.

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For God's sake, everybody duck.

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Is that you? Are you all right?

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Oh, dear, well, you see, I went to the kidney.

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Well, the great mister.

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Yes.

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And whenever someone says sorry, I go wee.

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How very inconvenient.

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Embarrassing. Oh, he's awful.

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I go as red as beetroot.

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Well... Pardon? You said beetroot.

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Stop all this. Right.

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Look, from now on, there's no apologies, no German, no food, and no birds, all

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right? Right.

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Right, good.

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Simple. Piece of cake.

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Sorry.

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Everybody's looking at us. Try and hold a normal conversation, would you? Yes,

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yes. How many children do you have?

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Nine. Nine?

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say goodnight. The great mister!

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He's been here all the time, this one. Oh, you can cure us. I'm afraid I

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time. You see, my plane leaves in just one hour. Where are you going?

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I'm off to Turkey.

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So sorry. Auf Wiedersehen!

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I don't remember what day it was.

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And if all my dreams come true.

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Dearly beloved, haven't we all, at some time or another, said to ourselves,

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who am I?

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Who am I?

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And haven't we all, in those times of doubt, answered ourselves with frank

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honesty, I don't know?

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I don't know.

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Three words which we've all said, you and I, which somehow seem to sum up the

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confusion which confronts us all.

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And it's no good, you know, at these times of confusion,

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pretending that we can go it alone, is it?

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It's no good. Nor's your sermon, mate. You're a raving idiot.

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I get paid for being an idiot, sir. What's your excuse?

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Well, at least you admit it. I have a feeling you're at the wrong service,

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You should be attending a funeral.

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Whose? Yours.

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No, but seriously, members of the congregation, life is confusing. Life is

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strange. But after all, it does have two sides to it. Yeah, a front side and a

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back side.

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Why don't you go and lie down in the cemetery and tell them you're ready,

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Noble, they're saving a big space for you.

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Listen, the biggest space around these piles is in between your ears.

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But people are funny, ladies and gentlemen.

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People are funny. In fact, people are funnier than anybody.

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Now, take my wife, please.

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My wife's a very funny woman. My wife's a very funny woman.

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She phones me up specially so she can hang up on me.

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sent me to the doctor because she thought I looked ill. You never look

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your life, whenever that was.

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There's a bus leaving directly after the service. Be under it.

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Well, I went to the doctor. The doctor said, you're going to live until you're

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55. I said, I am 55.

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He said, what did I tell you?

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No, but my wife, she's an amazing woman, amazing woman. I treasure every moment

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we're apart.

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They say that beauty is only skin deep.

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And there's people like her who keep saying it.

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I had this cardinal come round for tea the other day. My wife opens the door.

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She said, is that your wife? He said, is that your wife, he said.

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I said, you think I'd employ a maid that ugly?

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You're lucky to have a wife the way you look.

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I'm lucky? Listen, you're lucky, sir. We had an old verger peg out here the

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other day. He was 106.

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After he'd been dead three days, he looked better than you do now.

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Japanese chap living in Tokyo, you see, in his wartime. He walks into the

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recruiting office for kamikaze pilots. The guy there says, why do you want to

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a suicide pilot?

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He says, yeah, it's a living one.

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What are they like out there? Marvellous.

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Well, that's good, because we're doing Garagos from the Gargoyle.

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The final act in the terrifying saga of Brimstone Grange was about to unfold

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itself. Piggy Malone, the pitifully boring, overfed private eye, and his

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pathetic underweight assistant, Charlie Farley, had at last come face to face

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with a homicidal maniac who had murdered ten people in six days.

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A new British all -comers record.

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The Finnish professor, Amos Brimstone, held them at gunpoint while he indulged

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in an orgy of self -confession, a popular pastime amongst murderers the

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over. There seemed to be no escape.

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One slim chance lay open to Charlie.

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It was just possible that the professor hadn't seen him.

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It was a risk he had to take.

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Yes, I did it.

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I killed them all.

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Partly because of the money, but mainly simply because I enjoyed killing them.

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I've always wanted to know what it felt like to kill someone.

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Now I know.

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It's a nice feeling, Malone.

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You're off your bloody head.

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That gun's not loaded?

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You would think not.

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Oh, yes, that's, uh... That's a very nasty hole you've made there, Professor.

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Very nasty indeed.

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If, um...

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If someone had been sitting in that chair, that could have been very nasty.

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But there wasn't, was there?

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Which reminds me, what happened to that obnoxious assistant of yours, Mr Farley?

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I thought he never left your side.

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Well, he has to sometimes, doesn't he? He's only human.

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He'll be back in a minute, though.

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He's never very long.

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You may rest assured I shall be ready for him, Mr. Malone.

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But the door's behind you, my dear professor.

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Okay. What's that?

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Right.

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It's you against me.

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We'll just see who can run the fastest.

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And so the wily professor escaped for the moment the clutches of the law. But

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Piggy and Charlie were not beaten yet.

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Back in London, they discovered that the mad professor was on the board of

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directors of a well -known chemical company.

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They accordingly made plans to waylay him when he attended the company's next

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board meeting at the firm's head office in Southall the following Friday.

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They rendezvoused at the head office the day before.

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and finalise their scheme.

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Now, this is my scheme. We change the numbers of all the floors, right?

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So that when he gets in the lift and comes up to the 14th, he'll get out and

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it marked the 15th. So he'll naturally go down one flight of stairs to the 13th

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floor, which is unoccupied, and we'll be waiting for him.

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Why change all the numbers on all the floors?

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Well, in case by chance he gets out the wrong floor,

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he'll still be confused.

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and he'll get back in the lift and start again.

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That way we can be sure that he gets out at the right floor. The right floor for

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us, that is.

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What a fantastic scheme, Chief.

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However did you think that up?

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It was on Blue Peter yesterday afternoon.

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And so the trap was laid.

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Next morning at precisely 10 .57, the mad professor, brutal killer of almost a

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dozen people, walked sedately to a board meeting of the Brimston Chemical

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Company. Completely unaware of the net that was closing inexorably around him.

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With split -second timing, Malone was about to take his place on the 13th

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Fate, however, was about to take a hand in the shape of Dulcy Latimer, typist.

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17th floor. Oh.

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Could you open the door for me, please?

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All right.

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Hello.

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Bleh!

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Never stand very high speeds. That's the trouble with the world today.

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Speed, speed, speed.

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Well, never mind.

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I shan't be in it for long.

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What do you mean?

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You don't think I'm going to let you take me alive, do you? What can you do?

246
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,240
You have no weapon.

247
00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:12,340
Did you notice that number beside the left foot?

248
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:13,560
This? 17?

249
00:22:13,660 --> 00:22:14,660
Exactly.

250
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:17,640
Exactly. The 17th floor.

251
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,420
Don't try to stop me, Willow. This is the ground floor.

252
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,100
That's him, lads. Come on.

253
00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:35,500
Let's move in.

254
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:41,640
Are you all right?

255
00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:43,540
Yeah, I'm all right.

256
00:23:09,450 --> 00:23:13,390
to appear to be killed right at the beginning of the case and then to

257
00:23:13,390 --> 00:23:15,990
himself in the house without being spotted by the servants.

258
00:23:16,250 --> 00:23:19,770
Simple. He simply grew a beard, which made him look exactly like his older

259
00:23:19,770 --> 00:23:23,470
brother. Then he invited him down to Brimpton Grange and killed him.

260
00:23:25,870 --> 00:23:27,570
Pushing his face in the trial for help.

261
00:23:27,870 --> 00:23:30,830
Of course, the brother was deaf and dumb as well. He made it a lot easier.

262
00:23:32,370 --> 00:23:35,450
Well, anyway, I'm glad you managed to clear the whole thing up. It was a messy

263
00:23:35,450 --> 00:23:36,450
business.

264
00:23:36,810 --> 00:23:38,670
Well, I suppose I'd better get back to the yard.

265
00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:40,120
Lots to do today.

266
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,680
All those apple boxes to shift.

267
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:47,260
Can I leave my coat here, dear?

268
00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:48,460
Mm, yeah.

269
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:51,720
Oh, uh, Daisy.

270
00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:52,980
What now?

271
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:54,800
Save me a bunch of your bananas, will you?

272
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:56,120
Rightly so.

273
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:57,599
Off we go.

274
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:58,800
Woman's work is never done.

275
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,700
And so the saga of Brimstone Grange drew to a close.

276
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:09,640
Piggy Malone and Charlie Farley were once more about... to think back into a

277
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:10,640
purity.

278
00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:14,660
Once more, it was to be the unending, dreary, day -to -day task of an

279
00:24:14,660 --> 00:24:15,980
unsuccessful private eye.

280
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,200
Or was it?

281
00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:24,820
Yes? We're from this nudist camp.

282
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:26,380
We need protection.

283
00:24:27,420 --> 00:24:28,420
Against what?

284
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:29,960
Pickpockets.

285
00:24:37,780 --> 00:24:42,980
One thing was certain. There would be very little sleep for anyone that night.

286
00:25:04,180 --> 00:25:06,220
I've got a girl called Bonnie.

287
00:25:09,790 --> 00:25:12,750
She's as skinny as a stick of macaroni.

288
00:25:14,570 --> 00:25:17,810
You ought to see her rock and roll with her blue jeans on.

289
00:25:20,610 --> 00:25:23,350
She's not very fat, just feeling bone.

290
00:25:26,210 --> 00:25:28,850
I love her. She loves me.

291
00:25:29,150 --> 00:25:34,510
Oh, how happy now we can be. Making love underneath the apple tree.

292
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,060
Listen here.

293
00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:46,040
I've got a girl called.

294
00:26:50,140 --> 00:26:51,140
She's asking.

295
00:28:31,210 --> 00:28:34,130
Pardon me, I am Max Trouble of the Herald Tribune. You are the commanding

296
00:28:34,130 --> 00:28:35,290
officer? That's right, Mr. Trouble.

297
00:28:35,650 --> 00:28:37,750
Major Bertie Raven Howard, at your service.

298
00:28:38,050 --> 00:28:41,270
I wish to speak to Lieutenants Dave Granger and Hedley Merrill. I'm sorry,

299
00:28:41,270 --> 00:28:44,370
Lieutenants Granger and Merrill were wounded in an attack by the Mad Muller

300
00:28:44,370 --> 00:28:47,750
his tribesmen. I'm afraid Abdullah the Mad Muller is about to attack again,

301
00:28:47,750 --> 00:28:49,810
reinforcements. What? Yes, you are in for trouble.

302
00:28:50,770 --> 00:28:51,770
Tribal trouble.

303
00:28:52,210 --> 00:28:53,390
Treble tribal trouble.

304
00:28:54,130 --> 00:28:55,150
Tribal tribal trouble trouble?

305
00:28:56,910 --> 00:29:00,440
Abdullah the Mad Muller is... I have heard at the head of a hired horde of

306
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,820
Ushanties, Uvanties, and that other rotten Hottentot lot.

307
00:29:04,340 --> 00:29:07,620
The situation is as combustible as the path to Paul.

308
00:29:08,900 --> 00:29:11,360
It's a pity I've got to go upriver to deliver a shipment of equipment.

309
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:12,800
You've no boatman.

310
00:29:12,820 --> 00:29:14,300
I've Bateman. Who's Bateman? My Batman.

311
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:18,780
You're going upriver to deliver a shipment of equipment, leaving the

312
00:29:18,780 --> 00:29:20,300
Dave Granger and Headley Merrill in deadly peril?

313
00:29:20,580 --> 00:29:21,860
Certainly. Those are the facts, Max.

314
00:29:22,060 --> 00:29:23,060
You're a yellow fellow.

315
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,640
You're an abject object. You are the cur of the corps. A crout!

316
00:29:28,709 --> 00:29:30,790
He's talking through his Homburg, that Hamburg Humbug.

317
00:29:31,390 --> 00:29:33,450
Everyone knows wherever he goes, Max Taubel makes trouble.

318
00:29:37,150 --> 00:29:39,150
Matt Muller and his rebel rabble.

319
00:29:39,750 --> 00:29:40,930
Taubel called me a yellow fellow.

320
00:29:41,310 --> 00:29:43,450
Shall I yet fight the Yankee lout and brave it?

321
00:29:43,970 --> 00:29:44,970
No,

322
00:29:45,310 --> 00:29:46,550
I'll get the white hanky out and wave it.

323
00:29:47,870 --> 00:29:48,870
What am I?

324
00:29:50,670 --> 00:29:52,670
Yes? Sir, there's been an ambush.

325
00:29:52,930 --> 00:29:55,990
An ambush? When ambushed? They've captured Nurse Maud Miller. Maud!

326
00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:57,099
Good Lord.

327
00:29:57,100 --> 00:29:58,019
Gad, lad.

328
00:29:58,020 --> 00:29:59,880
The mad muller mustn't maul Maud Miller.

329
00:30:01,020 --> 00:30:02,900
If the rat attacks, we'll be flat on our backs.

330
00:30:03,380 --> 00:30:05,080
Snap out of that stupor, dooper -dooper.

331
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:07,000
Don't flinch, pinch. Quiet, quiet.

332
00:30:07,660 --> 00:30:10,800
We'll make that sheik shake the chalk. The enemy will think it's Tammy.

333
00:30:11,060 --> 00:30:12,060
Sure.

334
00:30:15,940 --> 00:30:18,620
Major Regan Howard, I... Where is he?

335
00:30:20,860 --> 00:30:21,839
Good heavens.

336
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:23,960
He's reducing that rebel rabble to a rubble.

337
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:25,880
Oh, what a fighter.

338
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:29,100
I've never seen a fitter fight her, nor a fatter fitter fight her.

339
00:30:29,660 --> 00:30:32,520
And with one pot shot, he's got that rotten hot and tart laugh in the

340
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:33,520
misbegotten butt.

341
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:38,980
They're fleeing, flying, wounded, wounded, in complete retreat, wounded

342
00:30:38,980 --> 00:30:39,980
wounded.

343
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:49,640
Though they gave my forefathers four feathers repeatedly, reputedly, and I

344
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:50,640
myself was a yellow feather.

345
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:54,340
An abject object who thought naught of going upriver to deliver a shipment of

346
00:30:54,340 --> 00:30:57,040
equipment, leaving Dave Granger in grave danger and Henley Merrill in deadly

347
00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:00,140
peril. And the mad muller mauling Maud Miller, my splendid intended.

348
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:04,820
Nevertheless, I triumphed over treble -treble -treble and treble -treble

349
00:31:04,820 --> 00:31:09,700
and reduced the rebel rebel to rubble and blew a bill of the muller that flies

350
00:31:09,700 --> 00:31:13,980
by sky -high so that never ever would men again flaunt the taunt that Bertie

351
00:31:13,980 --> 00:31:16,100
Raven Howard was a dirty craven coward.

352
00:31:26,090 --> 00:31:30,190
Thank you very much. This evening I'd like to tell you a very, very funny

353
00:31:30,190 --> 00:31:36,570
about a chap who loses all his money on the horses, which is

354
00:31:36,570 --> 00:31:41,390
rather a coincidence because I am thinking myself of buying a racehorse

355
00:31:41,390 --> 00:31:45,550
as a little sort of publicity gimmick, you know. I mean, at one time of the

356
00:31:45,550 --> 00:31:48,690
if you became successful in this business, you married Ava Gardner.

357
00:31:51,230 --> 00:31:52,730
Now you buy a racehorse.

358
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:55,720
Suddenly there's nothing to look forward to anymore.

359
00:31:57,260 --> 00:32:00,280
Anyway, I was saying to the... I was actually saying to the producer the

360
00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,360
day, you know, there are people, I said, there are people buying racehorses who

361
00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:06,140
think that an early morning canter is a Jewish singer with insomnia.

362
00:32:08,220 --> 00:32:09,780
And he didn't laugh a lot either.

363
00:32:11,740 --> 00:32:15,920
Now I'm in a bit of a quandary. I mean, at the end of this series, either I buy

364
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:18,200
a racehorse or have a fortnight in Bermuda.

365
00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:20,120
Now, I mentioned this to my wife.

366
00:32:20,460 --> 00:32:22,240
I mean, the racehorse, not the holiday.

367
00:32:22,860 --> 00:32:24,580
No, I'd like that to come as a surprise.

368
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:27,160
I'll send her a card when I get there.

369
00:32:29,780 --> 00:32:33,860
Now, at least if I do buy a racehorse, I will be a bit of a novelty. I'll be the

370
00:32:33,860 --> 00:32:36,100
only man who has to stand on tiptoe to whisper to the jockey.

371
00:32:37,260 --> 00:32:38,720
Anyway, I spoke to her.

372
00:32:39,900 --> 00:32:43,560
I spoke to her about this racehorse, you know, as she was getting ready to come

373
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:44,800
to this show, you know, at the time.

374
00:32:45,060 --> 00:32:46,500
That would be about a week last Thursday.

375
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,840
I said, I said, listen, dear heart.

376
00:32:53,450 --> 00:32:57,410
I know, I know, I know, I know. Dear heart, you know, does sound a bit mushy.

377
00:32:57,870 --> 00:32:59,650
But we haven't been married, you know, very long.

378
00:32:59,990 --> 00:33:01,490
And I can't always remember her name.

379
00:33:03,290 --> 00:33:06,830
I said, I said, I bet you, I bet you wouldn't like me to buy a racehorse.

380
00:33:06,850 --> 00:33:08,910
she didn't speak for almost a minute.

381
00:33:10,030 --> 00:33:11,130
Which is rather exciting.

382
00:33:12,690 --> 00:33:15,070
Another eight seconds and she would have broken her own record.

383
00:33:16,090 --> 00:33:17,270
She said, whatever.

384
00:33:18,190 --> 00:33:19,470
Sort of like that. Whatever.

385
00:33:20,910 --> 00:33:21,910
Whatever.

386
00:33:23,620 --> 00:33:25,220
do you want a horse for?

387
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:28,300
Look at it, like that.

388
00:33:30,220 --> 00:33:31,840
She said, you've already got a dog.

389
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:35,980
Well, I had to explain to her with the best will in the world, you can't expect

390
00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:37,800
a ten -year -old poodle to win the Grand National.

391
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:42,480
Takes him all his time to put his leg up for the oaks.

392
00:33:51,990 --> 00:33:54,710
Anyway, she said, all right. That look again.

393
00:33:54,910 --> 00:33:56,290
All right, she said.

394
00:33:57,230 --> 00:34:00,590
Sort of looking down at that angle. All right, she said.

395
00:34:00,870 --> 00:34:05,070
If that's what you want to do, as long, she said, as you have it seen to.

396
00:34:07,330 --> 00:34:09,510
Otherwise, we'll never be able to let it out at night.

397
00:34:10,730 --> 00:34:13,830
Now, as soon as I told my agent I was going to buy a horse, he said, what a

398
00:34:13,830 --> 00:34:16,989
lovely idea, he said. Have a chat with my brother, he said. He'll get it for

399
00:34:16,989 --> 00:34:17,989
wholesale.

400
00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:22,239
As a matter of fact, his brother rang me this afternoon. Nice man, very nice

401
00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:24,060
man. Very big in ladies' underwear.

402
00:34:28,199 --> 00:34:29,520
But we've all got our problems.

403
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:30,960
Now,

404
00:34:31,340 --> 00:34:33,080
he rang me, all very businesslike.

405
00:34:33,420 --> 00:34:36,900
Reverse the charge. He said, he said, Ron, he said, I've just got back to the

406
00:34:36,900 --> 00:34:39,780
office. I guessed he was in his office. I could hear his secretary saying, drink

407
00:34:39,780 --> 00:34:40,780
up, it's well past time.

408
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:45,239
He said, Ron, he said, I have bought a nice little horse that will do you

409
00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:47,800
beautifully. He said, I bought it at the Newmarket Bloodstock sales.

410
00:34:48,199 --> 00:34:50,880
He said it wasn't actually in the sales, but it was, you know, very near the

411
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:55,380
sales. I said, what's he like? He said, he's very quiet, very mature, about five

412
00:34:55,380 --> 00:34:56,380
foot two, his eyes are blue.

413
00:34:57,120 --> 00:34:59,760
He said, he's out of airborne by marmot.

414
00:35:01,100 --> 00:35:04,020
I said, I thought they were both stallions. He said, Ron, we're living in

415
00:35:04,020 --> 00:35:05,020
permissive age.

416
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:08,040
Well,

417
00:35:08,460 --> 00:35:12,320
I'll be honest with you, I've been very busy, I've been very busy, and I haven't

418
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,680
had time to go down to his racing stables in Paddington.

419
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:17,820
So they've sent me the photo of the horse.

420
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,020
taken soon after he won his last race.

421
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:23,360
Now, I don't know whether you can see all that's there. You see that he's

422
00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:26,880
actually down there. He's being led in to the winner's enclosure, looking very

423
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:33,440
fit. And there's his owner at the time, Baden Powell, looking very proud and

424
00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:34,440
holding his woggle.

425
00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:38,900
And they're all there. There's Lloyd George there, Nellie Wallace,

426
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:44,460
the Wright brothers, Max Bygraves over here.

427
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:53,060
Isn't it amazing how time flies when you're dying? Anyway, to cut a long

428
00:35:53,060 --> 00:35:55,540
short, he wants 5 ,000 guineas for it.

429
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:57,780
Now, I've offered him 30, Bob, and he's ringing me back.

430
00:35:58,060 --> 00:35:59,060
Now,

431
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:00,940
how did all this start? Ah, yes, I know.

432
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:04,780
Ah, yes, the joke about the chap who was in his betting shop. Now, this fellow

433
00:36:04,780 --> 00:36:08,420
lost all his wages, did all his scratch, as we say in the racing game, did all

434
00:36:08,420 --> 00:36:12,400
his pieces. Now, he goes out of the shop, eyes filled with tears, and he

435
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:15,500
his foot on the step and wrenches the sole half off his shoe, you know, and it

436
00:36:15,500 --> 00:36:21,310
starts. Flapped his way back to the clerk. He said, look, I've done all my

437
00:36:21,310 --> 00:36:24,930
here. Done all my wages in the shop. Yeah, now I've ruined my only pair of

438
00:36:24,930 --> 00:36:27,710
and I can't even walk home. The clerk said, oh, that's terrible. Wait here. He

439
00:36:27,710 --> 00:36:30,210
said, I've got to get the governor. He said, I can't just get the governor. So

440
00:36:30,210 --> 00:36:33,010
the bookmaker comes out and the man shows him his shoes. The bookmaker says,

441
00:36:33,130 --> 00:36:34,130
good heavens.

442
00:36:35,250 --> 00:36:36,250
Bless my soul.

443
00:36:36,790 --> 00:36:41,810
Then he takes a big roll of money from his pocket.

444
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:45,070
Takes off the elastic bat and he says, here, put this around it. That'll last

445
00:36:45,070 --> 00:36:46,070
you as far as the mud stock.

446
00:37:06,860 --> 00:37:10,660
Well, now, things are certainly hotting up here at the Shangri -La Ballroom in

447
00:37:10,660 --> 00:37:15,180
Barnsley. North and South are now absolutely equal, and the outcome of

448
00:37:15,180 --> 00:37:19,400
exciting heat of come dancing now rests entirely on the last contestants this

449
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:23,240
evening. So here now to show their paces with a dazzling display of old -time

450
00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:28,000
dancing are the ladies and gentlemen of the Phoebe Fanshawe Formation T.

451
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:52,840
Why in the world did we agree to join this troop heaven knows?

452
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:56,960
My ruddy girdle's killing me and the sequins up my nose.

453
00:37:57,340 --> 00:38:02,580
See how the girls all smile at me as I cavort up and down. They love my tangos

454
00:38:02,580 --> 00:38:04,940
and my pandangos the best in town.

455
00:38:13,450 --> 00:38:17,650
Twist your body left and right, although your shoes may pinch and bite. And your

456
00:38:17,650 --> 00:38:20,770
dicky front is much too tight. Keep off me like a thief.

457
00:38:21,170 --> 00:38:25,530
Donkey Gordon's all the day. You twist your wrist and you walk this way. No

458
00:38:25,530 --> 00:38:29,150
wonder Gordon's rather gay with a one, a two, a three, four.

459
00:38:37,130 --> 00:38:40,900
There's that new girl Mary. This chub, she's joined the team from the local

460
00:38:41,020 --> 00:38:44,860
She's just been put in the dancing club. Well, what are you looking at me for?

461
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,380
Well, hello there. Do me a favour.

462
00:38:55,720 --> 00:38:59,060
Keep your eyes off her chest.

463
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:01,380
Oh, who's talking?

464
00:39:01,740 --> 00:39:03,420
The niece and raver.

465
00:39:03,660 --> 00:39:08,180
She's had more kicks than Georgie Best. How dare you!

466
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:14,920
Been untrue, Claude, only twice since you took my hand.

467
00:39:15,580 --> 00:39:22,340
Once with the man from the true, Claude, and once with the Joe Locke band.

468
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:45,500
He's six foot two, can't figure who put you up to it. And made this fight.

469
00:39:45,660 --> 00:39:48,320
Got drunk and played me false.

470
00:39:48,780 --> 00:39:55,580
What you did on that yacht was decidedly not the super nerd's fault.

471
00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:05,580
Of all

472
00:40:05,580 --> 00:40:08,060
the old time dancers were quite my...

473
00:40:11,180 --> 00:40:12,860
No, I'm not that way inclined.

474
00:40:13,380 --> 00:40:15,160
Oh, yes, way too so highly.

475
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:19,340
I'd love to try you out. Tell me, do you reverse Mr. Riley?

476
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:21,140
Yes, but not when the wife's about.

477
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:30,180
Look at Claude, it's so absurd.

478
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:34,300
Look at Claude with that big beard.

479
00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:46,860
because I'm your man.

480
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:50,600
Your exquisite coming to visit my caravan.

481
00:40:51,100 --> 00:40:57,340
In the morning we can breakfast on tea and fudge. Shall I call you on the

482
00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:58,940
No, I'll give you a nudge.

483
00:41:03,460 --> 00:41:07,460
Wait till I get you home tonight. I saw you twizzle and twirl.

484
00:41:07,780 --> 00:41:11,420
Don't you get sloppy and try to frighten the poor defenseless girl.

485
00:41:12,060 --> 00:41:13,800
Can't you see we're on TV?

486
00:41:15,870 --> 00:41:19,030
Forget the punch up and round the bunch up and dance, dance.

487
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:01,840
Well, that's it for the present series.

488
00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:05,700
I'd like to thank, on behalf of Ronnie and myself, Georgie Fame and Alan Price

489
00:42:05,700 --> 00:42:07,260
for being our regular guests every week.

490
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:17,680
Next week, we go our separate ways.

491
00:42:17,940 --> 00:42:22,100
Ronnie Corbett will be appearing in Two Gentlemen of Verona at the Public Baths

492
00:42:22,100 --> 00:42:23,100
in Loo.

493
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:28,120
And I shall be appearing in Two Public Loos of Verona, The Gentlemen's in

494
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:34,680
Thank you very, very much for all your letters. We've had one letter from a

495
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,560
tooting viewer asking how he can stop tooting.

496
00:42:40,860 --> 00:42:44,600
And we've put him in touch with our barking viewer who has a similar

497
00:42:46,060 --> 00:42:47,700
Not to mention a similar joke.

498
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:53,400
And to end on a showbiz note, one of the world's most famous contortionists

499
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:57,160
arrived at London Airport today after 40 years in Australia.

500
00:42:57,460 --> 00:42:58,720
He told reporters...

501
00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:00,360
I've just come to look up my relatives.

502
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:07,820
And now it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

503
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:08,880
Goodnight.