1 00:00:32,330 --> 00:00:36,010 Good evening. It's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:36,010 --> 00:00:38,170 let's start straight away with news of another scandal. 3 00:00:38,530 --> 00:00:42,750 A Sunday newspaper has in its possession a picture of the Prime Minister in a 4 00:00:42,750 --> 00:00:44,570 very embarrassing and compromising position. 5 00:00:45,130 --> 00:00:47,590 He is fully clothed and shaking hands with President Nixon. 6 00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:55,130 And President Nixon told a congressional committee today that he had not taken a 7 00:00:55,130 --> 00:00:56,130 lie detector test. 8 00:00:56,250 --> 00:00:58,730 If there was one missing, it had been taken without his knowledge. 9 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:05,420 In Dublin today, police raided the printing press of Ireland's most 10 00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:08,160 forger and took away two million seven pound notes. 11 00:01:17,460 --> 00:01:24,100 Whilst at a football pool, federation, fancy dress ball, a young lady arrived 12 00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:27,780 entirely naked except for a cross marked on each bosom. 13 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,470 She explained that she was a chest of drawers. 14 00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:39,470 Accidentally today, Raquel Welch had a hole in one and a very interesting split 15 00:01:39,470 --> 00:01:40,470 in the other. 16 00:01:46,070 --> 00:01:52,650 We understand... We 17 00:01:52,650 --> 00:01:57,050 understand that many people in Chorley are suffering from foreign interference. 18 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,420 There's little you can do about it, but watch out for a Frenchman with a feather 19 00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:02,420 on a stick. 20 00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:13,220 The President Armin and his personal witch doctor arrived today in a 21 00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:14,240 mumbo -jumbo jet. 22 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:24,440 Yes, and when the Captain of the Guard of Honour called out, The President 23 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:25,440 replied, 24 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:38,520 And shot him. 25 00:02:40,540 --> 00:02:43,700 And now for a sketch about three elephants and a coat hanger. 26 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,200 But for economy reasons, we're going to do without the coat hanger. 27 00:03:03,420 --> 00:03:05,300 Hello, I want to join the... 28 00:03:06,140 --> 00:03:07,540 I want to join the library. 29 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:11,260 Do you mind not shouting, please? I can't help shouting. 30 00:03:16,820 --> 00:03:18,680 Please, talk quietly. 31 00:03:19,020 --> 00:03:21,680 I can't talk quietly. That's why I want to join the library. 32 00:03:22,780 --> 00:03:26,160 I want a copy of a book entitled How Not to Shout. 33 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,640 Thank you very much indeed. 34 00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:31,099 Mr. Simpson? 35 00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:32,100 Yes? 36 00:03:35,150 --> 00:03:36,370 How Not to Shout. What? 37 00:03:37,430 --> 00:03:40,390 This gentleman wants a book called How Not to Shout. 38 00:03:40,590 --> 00:03:41,529 There's no such book. 39 00:03:41,530 --> 00:03:42,530 Oh, yes, there is. 40 00:03:42,650 --> 00:03:43,650 I know. 41 00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:45,390 It's called How Not to Shout. 42 00:03:45,630 --> 00:03:49,630 No, no. There's a book called How to Shout Louder or How to Shout 43 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:53,550 Loud. That's a very good one. Or How to Scream at the... No, no. I don't want to 44 00:03:53,550 --> 00:03:54,630 shout. What? 45 00:03:55,150 --> 00:03:56,930 I want to stop shouting. 46 00:03:57,410 --> 00:04:00,830 That's why I want a copy of the book entitled How Not to Shout. 47 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:08,720 The first chapter. 48 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,900 Hurry up and finish it. I'd like to read it next. I ought to read it next. 49 00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:14,180 Shut up. 50 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,480 No, I want to read it. 51 00:04:15,700 --> 00:04:16,899 I asked for it first. 52 00:04:17,220 --> 00:04:20,079 Look, I'm the chief librarian. I need to read it. Agenda. 53 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,560 Parachute. 54 00:09:12,180 --> 00:09:13,180 A parachute? 55 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,100 A parachute, Mr. Aspinall. 56 00:09:18,460 --> 00:09:20,760 Don't question my decisions, Mr. Aspinall. 57 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:25,140 All it needs for you to do is to take a wrong turning in the multi -story car 58 00:09:25,140 --> 00:09:29,320 park, a few circuits, and there we are, teetering on the edge of infinity. 59 00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:33,020 That's why I brought a parachute, Mr. Aspinall. 60 00:09:33,580 --> 00:09:35,820 You'll learn that that is the secret of good driving. 61 00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:37,460 Intelligent anticipation. 62 00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:42,150 Now... To the best of your knowledge, Mr. Astral, have you suffered from any 63 00:09:42,150 --> 00:09:43,150 notifiable disease? 64 00:09:43,230 --> 00:09:44,189 No. 65 00:09:44,190 --> 00:09:46,230 Have you any history of emotional instability? 66 00:09:46,850 --> 00:09:47,850 Certainly not. 67 00:09:48,450 --> 00:09:49,570 You can tell us, you know. 68 00:09:52,710 --> 00:09:56,210 The depths of the human psyche are an open book to we at the Ministry of 69 00:09:56,210 --> 00:09:59,750 Transport. Look, there's no cogs loose in our family, thank you very much. 70 00:10:01,610 --> 00:10:02,610 What are you doing? 71 00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:05,890 Is all that necessary? 72 00:10:06,750 --> 00:10:09,610 You wouldn't ask a question like that, Mr. Aspinall, if you'd been driven 73 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,390 through Woolworths on a busy Saturday like I've been driven through 74 00:10:15,710 --> 00:10:21,010 Now, a few preliminaries. 75 00:10:21,930 --> 00:10:26,770 As a general rule, if I scream, I would like you to regard this as an 76 00:10:26,770 --> 00:10:28,790 instruction to reduce your road speed. 77 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:32,650 If I tap the face here, thus, one. 78 00:10:33,290 --> 00:10:36,490 it means that I want you to drive with care because I've got my eyes closed. 79 00:10:38,050 --> 00:10:42,990 If I tap the face here twice, thus, it means I am trusting you implicitly, Mr. 80 00:10:43,030 --> 00:10:45,070 Aspinall, and allowing you to move into second gear. 81 00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:52,910 Now, you'll probably hear some wind noise because I prefer to drive with the 82 00:10:52,910 --> 00:10:53,910 door slightly open. 83 00:10:56,190 --> 00:11:00,270 Now, you'll get used to that, but should you hear it close, drive with care 84 00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:01,270 because it means I've gone. 85 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,900 Thank goodness for not crossing the Sahara, but it should get you through 86 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:25,900 high street all right. 87 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,540 Charming, isn't it? Now, if you should feel it stopping, I'd like you to give 88 00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:31,620 a clear warning, if you would. 89 00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:38,840 Oh, dear, oh, Lord. 90 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,120 Haven't we got any plasma? 91 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,420 No, that's in the emergency pack. 92 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,960 Oh, by the way, if you should have to give me a transfusion... 93 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,540 For God's sake, don't get the bottles mixed up. 94 00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:55,640 There's some brake fluid in there. 95 00:11:57,420 --> 00:12:00,800 And you'll find my blood group tattooed just below the left ventricle. 96 00:12:01,140 --> 00:12:03,980 Just to the left of the dripping dagger and the scroll saying, to death or 97 00:12:03,980 --> 00:12:07,700 glory. It means that the highway code is receding further back every minute. 98 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:09,860 Eager for the fray, are you? 99 00:12:10,580 --> 00:12:11,760 Yet you've been at it a while. 100 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,760 I've seen the flower of the Ministry of Transport cut off in his prime. 101 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,900 Young Bucknell from Welland. 102 00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:21,000 went out to hear one Saturday morning with a slip of the girl, came back 103 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,660 completely gone out of his mind. 104 00:12:23,140 --> 00:12:27,180 They found him right up a post by a zebra crossing, singing, Nearer, my God, 105 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,180 thee. 106 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,020 Right, now pay attention. 107 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,960 When I signal thus, it means we're going to turn to our right. When I signal 108 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:41,200 thus, it means we're going to turn to our left. When I do this, it means give 109 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,220 two of the blue tablets from my top left -hand breast. 110 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,260 It's a glass of water from the flask in the emergency pack, right? 111 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,030 Now, come on. Let's get going. 112 00:12:50,210 --> 00:12:51,390 Let's... Oh, by the way. 113 00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:56,510 Should I divest myself... Should I divest myself thus? 114 00:12:57,170 --> 00:13:02,770 It means that we are approaching a harbour area, and I would like you to... 115 00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:06,250 Aspinall, will you come back here? Mr. Aspinall, come back! 116 00:13:06,890 --> 00:13:09,450 They're always doing this. They don't like me, you know. It's because I speak 117 00:13:09,450 --> 00:13:10,189 too well. 118 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,490 Mr. Aspinall, come back here, you wretched... 119 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:33,000 The care of the sick is a very worthwhile subject for study, and a 120 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,340 first aid is a must for everyone today. 121 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,880 80 % of accidents happen in the home. 122 00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:50,700 The most important thing to remember in first aid is to keep the patient calm. 123 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,140 Don't try to remedy the situation yourself. 124 00:14:01,180 --> 00:14:06,280 Simply lie the patient down, cover with a blanket, and get them to drink plenty 125 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,880 of hot sweet tea. 126 00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:49,260 is the keynote always when dealing with a patient. 127 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:55,480 A blanket bath, for instance, can be an unnerving experience if a person is 128 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:56,480 unused to it. 129 00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:16,720 When bandaging an injured limb, Do not do so in such a way that the limb is 130 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:17,720 difficult to cope with. 131 00:16:10,350 --> 00:16:12,350 can often still be gainfully employed. 132 00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:29,290 Fearfulness is a great asset, but remember that one must never treat a 133 00:16:29,290 --> 00:16:30,910 disability too lightly. 134 00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:54,210 the patient is concerned about his ailment and never subject him to undue 135 00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:55,210 pressure. 136 00:17:09,369 --> 00:17:13,550 Make sure you know how to handle equipment properly and that it's in a 137 00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:14,550 condition. 138 00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:49,100 Be attentive at all times to the needs of the patient. 139 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,880 And never be caught off guard for a moment. 140 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,140 and our guest for this evening, Donna. 141 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:58,840 He said you'd give to me soon as you were free. Where did hell go free? 142 00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:01,000 Where is the light? 143 00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:52,200 you would tell me so. 144 00:21:01,290 --> 00:21:04,290 Good evening again, and thank you for all your letters and, you know, kind 145 00:21:04,290 --> 00:21:06,070 inquiries about my family, etc. 146 00:21:06,310 --> 00:21:10,130 I'm pleased to be able to say that my wife's rather delicate health has 147 00:21:10,130 --> 00:21:11,130 improved. 148 00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:14,290 We did have a little upset yesterday when I took her for a row on the 149 00:21:14,290 --> 00:21:17,290 serpentine, and halfway across she went down with scurvy. 150 00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:25,790 And we've discovered that it was our Swedish au pair who killed the milkman. 151 00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:29,970 It took her a little time, but she did it. 152 00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:36,110 Then we've had some more trouble, had some more trouble with our new house. 153 00:21:36,650 --> 00:21:39,270 The cement was too weak and people were stealing the bricks. 154 00:21:41,650 --> 00:21:44,650 Then the front door died of Dutch elm disease. 155 00:21:46,090 --> 00:21:47,210 Not a pretty sight. 156 00:21:48,010 --> 00:21:50,790 I don't know if you've ever stood there and watched your knocker dropping off. 157 00:21:54,930 --> 00:21:56,410 Not very nice at all. 158 00:21:57,370 --> 00:22:01,970 The kiddies, the kiddies, however, are doing very well the first year at 159 00:22:02,270 --> 00:22:05,510 I say very well. It's one of these progressive schools, you know, where the 160 00:22:05,510 --> 00:22:07,550 children go to school when they feel like going to school. 161 00:22:07,830 --> 00:22:09,410 And they haven't actually been there yet. 162 00:22:11,290 --> 00:22:14,130 Well, they haven't actually been inside, you know. 163 00:22:14,710 --> 00:22:17,770 By the way, by the way, I heard a very... I said that rather funnily. 164 00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:21,150 By the way, I was going to... Instead of by the way. 165 00:22:21,410 --> 00:22:26,870 By the way... By the way, I heard a very interesting theory from Mrs. Margaret 166 00:22:26,870 --> 00:22:30,370 Thatcher when I was having a quick one with her in our local yesterday. 167 00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:38,120 She said that if you can get your children to run three miles every 168 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:42,820 three miles every evening, by the end of the week they could be 42 miles away. 169 00:22:49,380 --> 00:22:53,780 By the way, that's not the Margaret Thatcher who is well known for getting 170 00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:57,300 Parliament. That is the Margaret Thatcher who is well known for falling 171 00:22:57,300 --> 00:22:58,300 the Duke's head. 172 00:22:59,950 --> 00:23:03,190 And I would say, as I was saying, you know, schools today are quite a bit 173 00:23:03,190 --> 00:23:06,710 different from the schools I went to, you know, the old Martin Borman 174 00:23:06,710 --> 00:23:07,710 comprehensive. 175 00:23:10,010 --> 00:23:13,930 That was probably the last school in England to retain capital punishment. 176 00:23:15,550 --> 00:23:19,690 And, of course, the teachers weren't really up to today's standard by any 177 00:23:19,730 --> 00:23:23,350 not at all up to today's standard. I mean, I remember our games master. 178 00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:27,990 Now, his only qualification was a rudimentary knowledge of bingo and a 179 00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:28,990 on the easy six. 180 00:23:30,060 --> 00:23:34,760 And I recall that the teacher who took us in sex education was very, very shy. 181 00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:38,780 In fact, he was so shy, he used to shut himself in a cupboard and shout through 182 00:23:38,780 --> 00:23:39,780 a knot hole. 183 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:47,160 Now, most people's introduction to the subject, you know, is the birds and the 184 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:51,920 bees. Mine was a disembodied voice shouting, some do and some don't, and 185 00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:52,980 sailor. 186 00:23:56,320 --> 00:24:00,080 For the more advanced... For the more advanced... students, you know, used to 187 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,240 put on a black stocking and stick his leg out of the door. 188 00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:07,340 Even when I eventually, no, this is true, even when I eventually got married 189 00:24:07,340 --> 00:24:13,400 my dear, lovely wife, who is at this moment, well, somewhere or other, 190 00:24:13,580 --> 00:24:20,240 even when we got married, I was so shy that we hardly spoke from the time we 191 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:24,180 shook hands at the altar until I waved to her from my window of my room in the 192 00:24:24,180 --> 00:24:25,500 YMCA Torremolinos. 193 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,700 Actually, the marriage was my dad's idea, you see. 194 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,980 She was the girl next door, and her father had an electric drill. 195 00:24:35,940 --> 00:24:39,340 Now, I seem to have forgotten a very funny joke I was going to tell you. Oh, 196 00:24:39,340 --> 00:24:40,340 yes, I know. 197 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,480 Last. I've got it. 198 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,900 And I've also remembered the joke I was going to tell you. 199 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:51,040 A chap goes into a 200 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:55,320 restaurant, and he said to the waiter, he said, I'd like some cold vegetable 201 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,480 soup with some... 202 00:24:57,060 --> 00:25:02,220 chopped raincoat, and perhaps a cigarette end in it, and then I'd like 203 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:06,160 if he would, to take a sirloin steak and set light to it, let it burn for a 204 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,700 while, then drop it in the sink, and wait for just a minute, just a moment, 205 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:13,560 He said, we can't possibly serve a meal like that. And the man said, why not? 206 00:25:13,620 --> 00:25:14,620 You did it yesterday. 207 00:25:27,620 --> 00:25:30,180 Deuteronomy 22, verses 2 to 5. 208 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:32,320 I beg your pardon? 209 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:36,400 Deuteronomy 22, verses 2 to 5. 210 00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:38,019 Oh, I'm sorry. 211 00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:40,920 2 Kings 8, 7 to 14. 212 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,420 Oh, really? You wouldn't surprise me. I should have thought Micah 2 .40. 213 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:50,820 Oh, no, no. You're forgetting Zebediah 9, 13, down to I what, not what you get. 214 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:51,920 Oh, of course. 215 00:25:52,420 --> 00:25:55,100 Ruth 13, 10 to 11. 216 00:25:57,350 --> 00:26:00,330 No, the way I heard it, it was Daniel 3. 217 00:26:00,730 --> 00:26:01,730 Oh, yes. 218 00:26:01,930 --> 00:26:05,010 But surely that would mean Nahum 7, wouldn't it? 219 00:26:05,550 --> 00:26:08,350 Oh, yes, yes, but surely not if it's done with taste. 220 00:26:08,570 --> 00:26:09,570 No, no, no. 221 00:26:10,310 --> 00:26:11,730 Nehemiah 2, 7 to 8. 222 00:26:13,130 --> 00:26:14,130 Leviticus. 223 00:26:15,290 --> 00:26:16,290 Judges 14. 224 00:26:17,530 --> 00:26:18,530 Nehemiah 10. 225 00:26:19,610 --> 00:26:20,610 Amos 22. 226 00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:23,650 Nehemiah 10. 227 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:25,760 Haggai 12. 228 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:28,680 Nehemiah 10. 229 00:26:30,260 --> 00:26:32,380 Yes, well, of course, it's all right for you. You're married. 230 00:27:52,910 --> 00:27:53,930 So this is called it. 231 00:27:55,830 --> 00:27:57,090 Never keep me in here. 232 00:28:52,650 --> 00:28:53,650 That's testing you. 233 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:25,460 My name's Carter. George Carter. 234 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:26,499 How are you? 235 00:29:26,500 --> 00:29:27,439 I'm Dickie. 236 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:28,960 Not feeling so good myself, you know. 237 00:29:31,180 --> 00:29:34,840 How long have you been cooped up in here, then? Four years. 238 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,440 Four years, eh? No wonder you're feeling Dickie. 239 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,400 Have you ever thought about trying to escape? 240 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:43,460 No, no, no. My name's Dickie. Oh! Oh, I see. Sorry. 241 00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,620 And don't think you're going to escape from here. This place is impregnable. 242 00:29:47,060 --> 00:29:48,300 Don't you believe it. 243 00:29:48,540 --> 00:29:51,020 That's what they said about Doreen Phipps, how wrong they were. 244 00:29:53,740 --> 00:29:54,599 Were they? 245 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,720 Well, I'm paying a 30 bob a week judge for yourself. 246 00:29:58,140 --> 00:29:59,680 No, we'll soon get out of here. 247 00:29:59,940 --> 00:30:01,560 Oh, you better have a word with Captain Whitmore. 248 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:02,739 Oh, where is he? 249 00:30:02,740 --> 00:30:04,540 I'm not quite sure, as a matter of fact. Hello? 250 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:06,600 Hello, I'm stuck in here. 251 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,540 The door seems to have jammed in here. 252 00:30:12,420 --> 00:30:13,580 Yes, that's him. Coming! 253 00:30:24,100 --> 00:30:25,240 I'm the escape officer. 254 00:30:36,220 --> 00:30:39,300 How do you do, sir? My name's Carter. 255 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:40,760 Whitmore. 256 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,780 Sorry about the oil can. I can't get it off my finger. 257 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:48,440 I was oiling my bed springs the other day. 258 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,840 Oiling the bed springs? Is this a mixed dormitory? 259 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:52,080 What? 260 00:30:52,350 --> 00:30:53,350 Yes, rather. Oh, yes, yes. 261 00:30:53,730 --> 00:30:54,730 Officers and men, yes. 262 00:30:56,150 --> 00:30:57,650 I knew what you mean, got me going there. 263 00:30:58,150 --> 00:31:00,370 Thought for a while I wouldn't bother to escape after all. 264 00:31:01,050 --> 00:31:04,830 Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Carter, but I'm afraid the only woman on 265 00:31:04,830 --> 00:31:05,830 camp is Matron. 266 00:31:06,150 --> 00:31:07,230 Oh, what's she like? 267 00:31:07,830 --> 00:31:10,630 Blonde and big with it. I like big women. 268 00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:12,130 Luckily, she's a vegetarian. 269 00:31:12,650 --> 00:31:14,090 Why? She'd have you for breakfast. 270 00:31:15,850 --> 00:31:18,210 I see, that's the way of it. Well, I'm going to get her out of here straight 271 00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:19,610 away. Now, just a minute, Carter, just a minute. 272 00:31:20,450 --> 00:31:21,550 It's not as easy as that. 273 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,460 We have a code of conduct in here. 274 00:31:25,060 --> 00:31:27,300 Of course you want to escape. Everybody does. 275 00:31:27,700 --> 00:31:29,080 But it has to be organized. 276 00:31:29,500 --> 00:31:34,080 You need money, clothing, a cover story, and all this means that there's none of 277 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:35,540 this go -it -alone stuff. 278 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:40,220 Now, we've built up a team of experts in here to deal with every aspect. 279 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:47,720 Now, every escape must be planned, and planned down to the very last minute 280 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:48,880 detail. Do you understand? 281 00:32:00,330 --> 00:32:01,490 Which is to speak with you. 282 00:32:01,890 --> 00:32:03,130 He has taken in command. 283 00:32:03,390 --> 00:32:06,690 You will wash, shave, and be ready to report in half an hour. 284 00:32:06,890 --> 00:32:09,090 Keep your hair on, Fritzie, then. I have no hair. 285 00:32:09,510 --> 00:32:11,290 And I have no time to waste. 286 00:32:14,890 --> 00:32:16,010 Touchy lot, aren't they, eh? 287 00:32:29,770 --> 00:32:30,930 Ah, it's you, Carter. 288 00:32:32,250 --> 00:32:33,350 Sit down, please. 289 00:32:35,710 --> 00:32:36,710 There's no chair. 290 00:32:37,730 --> 00:32:40,530 Well, instead, we don't run this place for your comfort, Carter. 291 00:32:42,670 --> 00:32:45,870 Now, just one or two things I would like you to know before you commence your 292 00:32:45,870 --> 00:32:47,030 stay here in Colitz. 293 00:32:47,830 --> 00:32:50,910 This is a top security prison. There's no escape. 294 00:32:51,230 --> 00:32:52,230 Do you understand? 295 00:32:52,530 --> 00:32:56,450 From now on, you're in the hands of superior prison officers. 296 00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:02,220 Should you attempt to escape, here is a list of the men you would have to deal 297 00:33:02,220 --> 00:33:03,220 with. 298 00:33:03,460 --> 00:33:09,820 Hauptmann Leitz, Sturmbannführer Schmeling, Sturmbannführer Haefler, 299 00:33:09,820 --> 00:33:13,940 Blattow, and Oppengruppenveranstaltergegrossler 300 00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:16,080 Do you understand all this? 301 00:33:16,860 --> 00:33:19,500 Yes, luckily my father kept a delicatessen. 302 00:33:21,060 --> 00:33:24,080 Really? Yeah, that was before he was in show business. 303 00:33:24,300 --> 00:33:25,540 Show business, huh. 304 00:33:26,220 --> 00:33:27,220 I like show business. 305 00:33:27,700 --> 00:33:28,760 What does he do? 306 00:33:29,180 --> 00:33:30,520 He's an escapologist. 307 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:36,360 Well, Flight Lieutenant Carter, I hope you won't entertain any thoughts of 308 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:40,080 escape from here, following in your father's footsteps. 309 00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:45,560 Because I can assure you, escape from cold is impossible. 310 00:33:57,770 --> 00:33:59,510 Monsieur, you will not manage it. 311 00:34:01,310 --> 00:34:02,310 Now, then. 312 00:34:03,390 --> 00:34:07,890 Here is your prison number and the address to which a letter should be 313 00:34:10,550 --> 00:34:14,150 It will be forwarded to your family via the Red Cross. You understand? 314 00:34:14,670 --> 00:34:15,670 Yes. 315 00:34:16,710 --> 00:34:20,350 You realize it's the duty of every officer to try and escape, don't you? Of 316 00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:21,690 course I realize it, Flight Lieutenant. 317 00:34:22,230 --> 00:34:25,949 I just thought that I would save you a little time and energy. 318 00:34:32,429 --> 00:34:35,510 I can think of many better ways of spending the time. 319 00:34:37,130 --> 00:34:38,130 Don't you agree? 320 00:34:38,630 --> 00:34:39,889 I think you're right. 321 00:34:51,889 --> 00:34:53,489 Quart, I think he's coming back. 322 00:34:56,110 --> 00:34:57,110 Is that you, Carter? 323 00:34:57,310 --> 00:34:58,610 Yeah. How's it going? 324 00:34:59,250 --> 00:35:00,250 Pretty well. 325 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,200 Another couple of feet. Oh, thanks very much. 326 00:35:05,140 --> 00:35:06,880 How much further have you got to go? 327 00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:08,740 I told you, two more feet. 328 00:35:09,980 --> 00:35:11,900 I thought you meant two more feet. 329 00:35:12,140 --> 00:35:16,600 Thank you very much. Has someone else just turned to provide the socks? 330 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:17,859 How about you, Whitmore? 331 00:35:17,860 --> 00:35:19,240 No, no, I've got a potato in mind. 332 00:35:19,500 --> 00:35:21,780 This goes on much longer. I should be able to grow them in mind. 333 00:35:25,900 --> 00:35:26,718 Look out. 334 00:35:26,720 --> 00:35:27,720 Matron. 335 00:35:35,980 --> 00:35:40,580 you that the RAF have dropped a load of Red Cross parcels for you. Oh, ma 'am. 336 00:35:41,340 --> 00:35:42,340 Unfortunately, 337 00:35:42,500 --> 00:35:45,760 when they hit the ground, they were shattered completely. 338 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:47,240 Only one survived. 339 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:48,399 Oh, why? 340 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:52,480 I had fun bathing on the roof, and it landed on top of me. It bounced. 341 00:35:55,580 --> 00:35:56,580 Yes, it would. 342 00:35:58,640 --> 00:35:59,640 Bring it in, please. 343 00:35:59,860 --> 00:36:03,760 What? Oh, the box. Thank you, chappy. 344 00:36:09,450 --> 00:36:10,690 Well, no wonder it bounced. 345 00:36:11,250 --> 00:36:12,250 It's a load of balls. 346 00:36:14,590 --> 00:36:15,830 Yes, a few balls. 347 00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:22,930 All clear. 348 00:36:24,110 --> 00:36:27,390 Right, this is it, lads. I'm going to make my final bid for freedom. If I'm 349 00:36:27,390 --> 00:36:29,330 back within three hours, come down the tunnel and investigate. 350 00:36:29,550 --> 00:36:32,270 Right. Good luck, Carter. Drop us the postcard. I'll do better than that. When 351 00:36:32,270 --> 00:36:33,530 get to France, I'll send you a letter. 352 00:36:44,810 --> 00:36:47,050 All we've got to do now is wait. 353 00:37:04,150 --> 00:37:05,530 Well, it's three hours later. 354 00:37:08,710 --> 00:37:10,310 I'm going through to investigate. 355 00:37:24,770 --> 00:37:25,770 Good Lord. 356 00:37:27,510 --> 00:37:28,530 What are you doing? 357 00:37:29,410 --> 00:37:31,090 You've got to take it when you can get it. 358 00:37:31,930 --> 00:37:34,590 You never told me the tunnel came out in Matron's bedroom. 359 00:37:35,010 --> 00:37:36,010 Pure coincidence. 360 00:37:37,210 --> 00:37:38,610 Bit of luck, though, ain't it? 361 00:37:43,650 --> 00:37:44,890 Got to work this time. 362 00:37:45,090 --> 00:37:46,250 I don't see why I shouldn't. 363 00:37:46,550 --> 00:37:47,790 We've got money and papers. 364 00:37:48,549 --> 00:37:51,130 Once we get over that wall, we stand a damn good chance. 365 00:37:51,370 --> 00:37:52,510 Got the sheets tied together? 366 00:37:52,770 --> 00:37:53,609 Only two. 367 00:37:53,610 --> 00:37:55,970 Most of the lads were damn mean about giving us the sheets. 368 00:37:56,350 --> 00:37:57,550 Damn selfish bastards. 369 00:37:57,830 --> 00:37:58,830 You were the only one who volunteered. 370 00:37:59,590 --> 00:38:01,490 That's all right. Only two sheets? 371 00:38:02,070 --> 00:38:03,170 How high is this wall? 372 00:38:03,450 --> 00:38:04,450 Eighty feet. 373 00:38:06,130 --> 00:38:07,830 Well, we'll just have to drop the last bit. 374 00:38:09,450 --> 00:38:10,450 Come on. 375 00:38:13,150 --> 00:38:14,290 You look fine, honestly. 376 00:38:18,090 --> 00:38:19,350 Well, goodbye, Chapman Hillsport. 377 00:38:20,030 --> 00:38:22,170 See you again when this damn show's over. 378 00:38:22,790 --> 00:38:23,790 Yeah. 379 00:38:24,530 --> 00:38:26,030 Thanks for the sheets, Dickie. Welcome. 380 00:38:26,630 --> 00:38:27,630 Bye. 381 00:38:28,050 --> 00:38:29,050 Bye. 382 00:38:29,650 --> 00:38:30,650 Bye. 383 00:38:32,990 --> 00:38:34,150 Who needs sheets? 384 00:38:34,410 --> 00:38:35,410 Come in, Matron! 385 00:40:43,589 --> 00:40:44,589 We're over. Are you all right? 386 00:40:45,070 --> 00:40:46,070 Here's fine. 387 00:40:46,370 --> 00:40:47,370 Bit of a headache. 388 00:40:48,370 --> 00:40:52,110 I suggest we stay put under the shadow of the wall till morning. 389 00:40:52,550 --> 00:40:53,550 Good idea. 390 00:40:57,870 --> 00:40:58,870 Good night, old boy. 391 00:40:59,190 --> 00:41:01,030 Good night, old boy. 392 00:41:03,370 --> 00:41:04,370 Bye. 393 00:41:09,610 --> 00:41:10,710 Good morning, gentlemen. 394 00:41:11,390 --> 00:41:13,390 Hello. You got over the wall, did you? 395 00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:16,590 You will be sorry, I can assure you. 396 00:41:18,170 --> 00:41:19,490 Welcome to Butler. 397 00:41:41,430 --> 00:41:42,890 Well, that's all for tonight. 398 00:41:43,170 --> 00:41:47,110 Next week, we'll be asking some searching questions on education, for 399 00:41:47,230 --> 00:41:49,650 Can cross -eyed teachers control their pupils? 400 00:41:54,310 --> 00:41:59,190 And on divers with chickenpox, do they really come up to scratch? 401 00:42:03,850 --> 00:42:09,110 And for music lovers, the Birmingham Bean Ensemble will amalgamate with the 402 00:42:09,110 --> 00:42:12,430 Birmingham Radish Ensemble to form the Birmingham Wind Ensemble. 403 00:42:15,050 --> 00:42:17,390 Now, a few items of late news. 404 00:42:17,710 --> 00:42:21,130 Sir Hartley Withers, the explorer, had a fantastic escape today. 405 00:42:21,350 --> 00:42:25,110 He was being chased by three hungry lions, and they were only two feet 406 00:42:25,110 --> 00:42:28,350 him when, a thousand to one chance, he was eaten by a crocodile. 407 00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:35,360 And a seed firm in Luton claim they have grown a new kind of lettuce that 408 00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:38,320 enables men to live to a great age and retain their virility. 409 00:42:38,660 --> 00:42:42,700 If you want any of these seeds, please write to Dunmore and Sons and Sons and 410 00:42:42,700 --> 00:42:43,700 Sons and Sons. 411 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:54,520 What utter nonsense. 412 00:42:56,100 --> 00:42:57,740 And they taste revolting anyway. 413 00:42:59,220 --> 00:43:00,220 Newsflash. 414 00:43:02,510 --> 00:43:09,390 A last, sorry, a last newsflash that's just handed to me here reveals that W 415 00:43:09,410 --> 00:43:16,210 Smith are to ban a thousand -piece nude jigsaw of Tom Jones unless 73 pieces are 416 00:43:16,210 --> 00:43:17,210 withdrawn. 417 00:43:21,470 --> 00:43:25,130 So it's goodnight from me and it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.