Good evening, it's nice to be with you once again. And in a packed program
tonight, we ask the question, can we raise milk production if all the farmers
pool together?
You should be looking into complaints about the motor industry, and we'll show
you something that fell off the back of a lorry.
It's the front of a lorry.
Later, we'll be visiting the high jumping at the White City, where the bar
now seven foot three inches, so no one can get a drink.
But first, the news.
Thousands of trade unionists went to Manchester today, the day of Mr Harold
Wilson's big speech.
Mr Wilson is speaking in Birmingham.
And girl strippers in Compton Street have been on strike.
accepted a motion to return to work today after a show of hands, knees and
of daisy.
At a coventry factory this afternoon, a man lost two fingers in an accident.
He didn't actually notice his loss until he was saying goodnight to the foreman.
Uganda.
General Amin today traded in his E -type Jaguar for an F -type crocodile.
We've just heard that the man who protested against the opening of Tower
Bridge by standing exactly in the middle as a ship went through is now
recovering in Hammersmith Hospital.
In wards five and six.
Get well eventually.
The National Survey on how to pronounce E -I -T -H -E -R came out with its
results this week.
Apparently, 7 % said either, and 8 % said either. But 9 % said either,
or either. And 10 % said neither, either, nor either.
However, 66 % said neither, either, either, nor either, nor neither, either,
either. Two anesthetists said ether.
And two a nice... said either.
And a farmer said bullocks.
But now, a sketch.
A sketch in which I play the very important part of Henry VIII.
And Ronnie Barker will play the rest of him.
Good afternoon. Wonderful to see you. Can I help you?
Yes. I was thinking of having a holiday in your country. Oh, wonderful.
Excellent. Sit down, please.
On the floor?
Yes, on the floor. Why not? The floor is clean.
In our country, all the floors are clean.
We have the cleanest floors in the world.
I'd rather stand, thank you. You prefer to stand? Yes, thank you. It's good.
It's better you stand.
It's very healthy for you.
If you're going to stand, stand properly.
That's better.
Now tell me, when do you want to visit our beautiful country? May.
May is good. You'll be there just for the start of the cricket season.
Oh, you play cricket in Grablia, do you? Do we play cricket in Grablia? Of
course we do. We're the world champions.
We beat Poland in the final by 42 wickets.
Don't you read the papers?
No, no, no. Actually, England.
Also in May, you'll be able to see the World Festival of Police and the
International Police Exhibition. You'll be able to hear the wonderful Royal
Police Symphony Orchestra.
and see the beautiful dancing of the Royal Seeker Police Paint Belly Company.
Now, how long are you going to come for? Two or three weeks?
No, just one week. Just one week? Just one sneaky week? What's the matter?
What's the matter? Don't you like our country? It's better than your lousy
country, I tell you that.
Your lousy country stinks.
Our country is beautiful, and the peasants are gay.
They are the gayest peasants in the world.
It has been statistically proved, that our peasants are seven times gayer than
the British.
You will enjoy your holiday. I tell you, you will enjoy it. If you don't enjoy
your holiday, you will be punished.
Do you understand?
Now, tell me, do you want me to book a room for you? A room for you in our
beautiful state hotel?
Well, I don't know, really.
Don't play games with me.
Do you or don't you? I don't know.
Well, just you stay there. I'll get the brochure. I might tell you to make up
your mind. A very indefinite person.
Now, look here. If you go
to the north here, you can visit a collective farm and see some of our
world politically orientated cows.
Now, these cows have been scientifically trained to lay eggs.
Over three quarters of them are fully trained chemical engineers.
Another triumph for freedom. No, Will, I don't think... You don't think? You
allow me to make up my mind for you, please, sir. Don't speak. There we are.
Now, look, in this house here, you will be able to see the traditional folk
dances when the folk all come out and dance on the green.
And also the traditional police dances when the police come out and dance on
folk.
Interesting here. There's also the famous local wine made by the peasants.
wine. Yes, you can hear it every evening when the police are dancing on them.
So very funny, very funny indeed.
That's the trouble with you British, you've got no sense of cruelty.
Now tell me, are you going to the north or the south then?
Well, my wife and I rather wanted to visit Splats.
Splats? What do you know about Splats? Nothing.
What's so special about Splat? Nothing.
What's this about you and your wife? You never mentioned your wife to me. You're
both spies, that's what you are. What's that bulge under your jacket? Don't be
personal.
You and your wife, you are both spies, you know that? You know what we do in
country with spies?
We line them up against the wall and we shoot them, do you hear? We shoot them.
Slowly.
Now, you still want to come?
Yes, I do.
Well, you better wait here, because I am afraid I get Mr. Gruber to look after
you, because I don't wish to boast, but I am being executed at 3 .30.
What? Oh, it's all right. It's not for anything serious.
Good evening.
As you look at me tonight, you will notice two things.
One, I'm very handsome, and two, there is a small rectangle at the bottom right
-hand corner of your picture.
Now, this symbol means that the program you're watching is unsuitable for
certain people.
So, if you're certain people, switch off.
For the rest of you, let me explain.
What do all our symbols mean? Well, this rectangle...
means that you shouldn't watch the programme if you are offended by
This symbol means you shouldn't watch if you're offended by rectangles.
This symbol means that the programme coming up is going to be a little bit
naughty. This one means that we haven't said the programme's going to be
naughty, but it will be just the same, so we'll get a nasty shock.
This symbol, it means it isn't going to be naughty at all, but we've said it
will be to attract more viewers.
All these symbols together simply mean you needn't watch, as it's another
old program about geometry.
Let's see how it all works. This symbol means either that the language isn't fit
for children, or that I've cut myself shaving.
In case the language wouldn't be fit for children.
But what about those of a nervous disposition?
Well, we've got this.
simple as that. Follow me over here.
This symbol here tells us that the program would actually mention the word
knickers.
Sorry, they should be down a bit.
But for those who are
offended by the knickers symbol itself, we simply add these, which means, of
course, danger knickers ahead.
If you prefer it, not tonight, Josephine.
This symbol here means that Mrs. Whitehouse has phoned in and she's
This one means that she's beside herself.
That means she's fainted.
We also use initials. Now we have here, if we see that, we know that the program
will include curvaceous thighs.
This, of course, means, as we know, violence.
And this will mean, of course, bare bosoms.
Of course, obviously, there is no company that would use them all at once.
That, as we all know, means BBC.
Unless, of course, it's the other way up.
when it stands for a programme about a bald -headed man dreaming of two well
-developed ladies.
Had enough of that one, have you? All right.
Lastly, to save money, we shall use road signs where possible.
Now, that means that you can only watch if you're over 30.
That one means the next programme is Gardener's Club.
That one, of course, is the Rolling Stones.
And this one, obviously, is a programme about family planning.
That one will be William Tell.
And that, of course, is the bent version.
This will only be one thing, of course, and that is the final episode of Zed
Cars.
And this one, well, any offer?
That's right, madam. Father, dear father.
Now, when anyone goes on too long or is a stupid old bore, you will get this
symbol here.
So, let me sum up.
Limerick Clinic.
Consultant R. Kelly, MD.
Assistant J. Lang, PhD.
Please hang up your coat for ear, nose and throat.
For a blister, see, sister.
That's me.
I take it that you've an appointment.
I was just bending down and this joint went. At the back of my thigh, I was
passing by. Step through here and I'll rub on some ointment.
No, I'll wait and see Dr. Smith. I'm afraid he is no longer with us. Oh, a
one, ain't I?
Well, his hands are like ice, and when you're undressing, he differs.
I'll be going to feel weak at the knees.
Will you send in the next patient, please? In you go.
Just switch off the fan. When you're stripped, there's a terrible breeze.
Lord, save us. He hops like a rabbit.
Hold on, man. Grab me arm. I said grab it.
Well, we'll just oil the springs. Will you take off your things? Not you,
Oh, sorry.
Just have it.
My name's Dr. Kelly. Sit down. Oh, you can't. Never mind, Mr. Crown. Just come
round by the screen.
Well, now, what's to be seen?
Had your holidays yet?
Aren't you brown?
your breath, grit your teeth.
Your braces are caught underneath.
Well, you are in a state. We were almost too late.
If they snapped, you'd have needed a wreath.
Well, there's one way to make you unbend. Oh, my... There you cured, my
I'm a limerick man.
I make sure, if I can, that you get the job right in the end. Thank you.
Anybody else, nurse?
Tonight, we like to sing a song about Jose, who live, who
love, who love, who love his woman so much, he
say to her, darling, I love you so much, I move
the heaven and earth to win your, how you say?
He say, I've got a thousand star from the sky to braid your hair.
I drink the sea so you can be first woman to walk Atlantic.
He say,
my dog and I give up the tuba. I work day and night in a bubblegum factory so
you can have all the mongooses you want.
I hire a gypsy man to serenade you and they play requests and read
shorthand.
But this woman, she say, oh, say, I know you can give me all these things, but
you will never understand me the way your great -grandfather does.
He's him I really love.
I love him so much, I pluck thousand stars of braids, et cetera, et cetera.
This, you understand, is the chorus of this song.
But Jose, he... He...
He's a very proud man, and he will have
this woman or die.
He go into the fields and find his great -grandfather, and there he challenge
him to a duel. Do you not love her like I do? Say Jose.
Oh, yes, I do.
Say his grandfather. I love her.
so much, I pluck a thousand stars from the sky like you did in the first verse.
And here to sing it for you is Enoch Powell.
with his words killing me softly with his song killing me
softly with his song telling my whole life with his
words
The strange -
my dog
Thank you. Thank you, Elaine Del Mar.
Good heavens, if I thought I could sing like that, I'd have the operation
tomorrow.
And if my wife is listening, I'm just joking.
I have to... I have to say that because my wife has just won a do -it
-yourself surgery outfit.
In her favourite magazine, The Lancet, it is.
Or the Outpatients Weekly or something, anyway.
She does read a lot of that sort of thing because she does enjoy a lot of
health.
There's nothing she enjoys as much as a bit of ill health. Mind you, mind you,
when I think about it, and I often do, I... I suppose it's all
something to do with the fact that her family have always been closely
with the medical profession, you know, either as doctors or patients.
And sometimes both.
For instance, her father, my wife's father this is, was in the Army Medical
Corps and he met his end when he fell out of bed...
No,
I'm not going to embroider on that.
My father never liked his end embroidered upon.
To each his own, I suppose.
My wife's father, in the Army Medical Corps, met his end when he
fell out of bed examining a patient.
And he was court -martialed posthumously, and his ashes were reduced
ranks.
Anyway, about these competitions she's won.
I went home the other night.
You know how you do things on impulse.
She was very excited, you know, the old Lugazade was out.
Because apparently, apparently, she has won no less than two competitions.
She had won the competition called Spot the Gynecologist.
And she'd won another competition where you have six pictures of doctors and you
have to place them in the order in which they should be struck off.
Really thrilled at the start. She has won a prize. She's won an evening
out with a male nurse who has his end embroidered upon.
And two, she has won have two of your friends certified for Christmas.
Poor old Bob and Joyce Larkin are in for a bit of a shock.
the surgery for beginners outfit.
Now, I must say, the surgery outfit looks very impressive.
I mean, I don't suppose you could take your leg off or anything, but I bet you
could make a nasty mess of your ankle.
That's actually nothing to do with the reason I was asked to come here, you
know, and talk tonight. Now, however, hundreds of people, hundreds of people,
every week, you know, write to me.
Honestly, hundreds of people write to me.
Let's be honest, every week, nobody writes to me.
To me, a pool scooping is a fan letter.
I get letters from my mother addressed to whom it may concern.
There is one letter I get every week from a fellow who says, leave three quid
use note under a flat stone in the middle of Hampstead Heath.
And I'm not sure if he's got the negatives.
But it's a day out for the kids.
Someone did write to ask if I would tell the first joke I ever told
professionally.
And anyone who suspects that this is a contrived excuse to tell an old joke,
this letter can be examined after the show.
Over my dead body.
But I do happen to remember that it was a joke about a parrot and a conjurer.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, oh, good God, he's not going
to tell that old parrot and conjurer joke.
Because that is exactly what the producer said.
The producer of the show, he said, take my advice, Ducky, he said.
Take my advice, Ducky.
Perhaps some of you noticed our producer when you came in, did you?
The chap with the earphones, you know, and the red dress.
Anyway, that needn't worry you.
Worries us, but it needn't worry you.
He said, take my advice, if you know what's good for you. He said, if you
tell old parrot jokes, tell them the favourite one about the old lady and the
parrot, which is a story I'd never heard before.
And apparently it is about an old lady who lives at the top of this... That's
why it's called The Old Lady and the Parrot.
Who lives at the top of this tenement block with her parrot. And she's going
one day, you see, and she says to the parrot, Now, Polly, now, Polly, she
Mummy's going to pop down to the shops a minute.
Pathetic, isn't it?
Nothing like an old lady talking to a parrot.
Anyway, she said, I'm going down to the shops, and if anyone calls, you must
remember to shout out, Who is it? Who is it? Thus giving the impression that the
place is occupied, so that it will not be turned over by the local nerdy world
in my absence.
Now, be a good parrot. If you're a good parrot, I'll get you some nice
polyfiller.
So, off she
goes, silly old fool, and who should knock at the door?
Who should knock at the door but the insurance man?
The parrot says, who is it? And he shouts through the letterbox, it's the
insurance man.
The parrot says, who is it? He says, it's the insurance man.
And they go on like this for a time until frustration and excitement,
with a long walk up the stairs, which I forgot to mention, is too much for the
poor insurance man. And he collapses on the ground. And he's still there when
the old lady comes back.
And she looks down at him lying there and she says, who is it? And the parrot
from inside shouts, it's the insurance man.
Gad, the heat.
It's the hot season.
Yes, that's what causes it.
I hope to God it's not curry again tonight.
It always is.
It's the only damn thing they can cook in this godforsaken country.
Care for a whiskey?
Firewater. Yes, quite, quite.
Cup of tea?
It takes two hours to get cool enough to drink.
Yes. Well, fancy a game of cards?
No.
It's too hot for that.
Well, there must be some little thing I can tempt you with.
It's too hot for that.
Yes, true, true, true, yes.
Thinking about it, I think you're right.
Still, it's nice thinking about it.
I think I'll have a gin.
Look at the damn filthy state of this place. Look at all these glasses.
Where's that damn filthy swine of a houseboy?
Marmute, come on in here. Where the devil are you, boy?
Ah, there you are, you damn beggar. Now, listen to me.
Big Colonel Massa want all same great big gin tinkle, understand?
All same full up top, big, big, overflowing, very little tonic water.
Now, you don't sit about outside on your big fat veranda.
You come in here and clear up all same glasses and all same living hut, you
understand? Or Big Colonel Massa will give you all same sack and a big bag to
put it in.
You'll be all same. out on your big old same ear.
Savvy? It's all the same to me, dear.
We must be nearer the border than I thought.
Thank goodness Corporal Bly is coming over here to assume his duties this
afternoon. He should be here already.
Corporal Bly? Yes, you remember him, my batman.
Of course I do, George. I'm hardly likely to forget him. He undresses you
night in the bedroom.
Oh, yes, of course he does, yes.
Oh, that's who it is, is it?
You see, he's a good soul, you Bly. He's dashed keen.
Good afternoon, sir. Madam.
Your gin, Colonel?
Ah, thank you. You started your duty somewhat earlier. Yes, I thought I'd pop
over a bit earlier, sir.
A bit warmish outside, sir?
Warmish? Come on, I don't think I can stand it much longer.
What must it be like for the poor lads out there on parade?
Oh, they'll stick to it, sir. For the sake of the regiment, sir? Yes, the
regiment.
Yes, I'd better get out there and inspect them. It's the least I can do.
is my helmet?
Oh, here, sir.
and weighs a ton.
And it's too damn small. Look at it. I mean, can't something be done about it,
liar? We could try taking the pit out of it, sir.
Most of the lads do that already.
Everything to your satisfaction, madam?
No, everything is not to my satisfaction, corporal. Oh, oh.
brush in the bedroom.
It's all your fault, you wonderful creature.
Now, that first accidental brush, as you put it, madam, was hardly my fault. I
was actually working with the brush.
When you happened to turn around rather quickly, there was little I could do.
And you did it beautifully.
That was maybe. And there was no maybe about it. Kiss me. Suppose the colonel
comes back and catches us. Oh, let him.
What about the honour of the regiment? Oh, damn the honour of the regiment.
about my honour?
Oh, well, then you're going to start living in the past, are you?
It's the future I'm concerned with, the immediate future, tonight.
Tonight what?
In the clearing where we met that evening.
I shall never forget that first moment when you came up behind me and grabbed
by the azaleas.
My lips are burning. I've got pins and needles all up my back.
That's not passion. That's prickly heat.
You ought to be lying down.
That's what I keep telling you.
Madam,
if you think I'm going to make love to you in broad daylight, you're very much
mistaken.
Oh, well, if it's broad daylight you're worried about, let's go down into the
cellar.
I'm sorry, but I'm not sinking to those sort of depths.
Quite a shallow cellar. Nevertheless, I'm afraid it's beneath me.
Oh.
Oh, if only you weren't so beautiful and it wasn't so hot.
go somewhere.
Yes, sir.
Anywhere.
Is he all right?
He sweats rather a lot, sir.
Who is he?
All right, men. In view of the extreme heat, you may all undo the top button of
your tunics.
Oh, dear.
I've got to go. I've got to starch the Colonel's front for tonight.
Oh, very well, then go.
But don't expect me to be any different when we next meet.
I shall still want you desperately.
I shall always want you. You did something to me then that no one else
done. Not so violently, anyway.
You awakened something in me.
Something that has not been stirred since I was a young, frightened girl at
first handball.
hunt balls since then, but none quite like the first.
And so is what we do.
I've never known anything that has moved me so much or so often.
What are you dribbling on about, old thing?
I didn't hear you come in.
Never known anything move you so much or so often. Sounds like an advert for
Pickford's.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I think I'm out of my mind. Out of her mind? Nonsense.
being out of things.
What's happened to your dress?
I took it off. It's this terrible heat. Oh, I know. That's what drives a man
mad, this damned heat.
Like that chap who disappeared about a month ago. What was his name?
Captain Wilcox. The professor, they called him. He went as mad as a hat, you
know, through the heat. What happened to him? Well, he just disappeared
overnight. Took 200 feet of water pipes with him.
Stole from the stores. Mind you, he was always inventing very strange things.
He invented a thing called the smelly phone once.
The what?
The smelly phone. It was like a telephone, only when it rang, you could
it. He said it was for the benefit of the deaf.
Very hard after, wasn't it?
I know just how he felt.
George? Yes? We must leave this place at once.
What?
What are you talking about? We're in the middle of a bridge tournament, old
thing. We can't go now. I haven't paid my mess bill or anything. Besides,
there's another reason.
What? I'm the commanding officer.
Well, you won't be for long if I speak my mind. What are you driving about?
I'm having an affair with Corporal Bly.
Corporal Bly? You called, sir?
I want a word with you, sir. Was it about your stiff front, sir? No, it was
about my stiff front.
Is it true about you and Edith here?
Well, it could be in one... It was what, tutor?
That you've been having an affair with her. That you've kissed her and caressed
her and fondled her and touched her. Is it all true?
Only bits.
Bits?
Which bits? Point them out.
to fight you, sir.
I'm going to fight you for the honour of the regiment.
I may be twice as old as you, but what I make up for in age, I more than make up
for in weight. At least, sir. Come on, put them up, put them up. All right,
but only for the regiment.
Come on.
Why didn't you fight, Higgins?
I ain't interested in women, Sarge.
Oh? What are you interested in, then?
Kiss a kiss and I'll tell you.
I'm glad we agreed not to fight. After all, it's too damn hot for fighting. No
damn woman's worth it.
I'm glad I managed to make you see reason. Oh, quite, quite.
So you were the flyweight boxing champion of the army, were you?
Well, that was a long time ago, sir. A lot of water's flowed out of the bridge
since then, sir. Yes, I wish some of it would flow through here.
My God, it's hot as it's stifling. Just the sort of weather for a native rising,
you know this? Oh, I don't think so, sir. The natives try too lazy, you know,
sir. What did I tell you? It's started.
That's the end of gunfire.
That's not gunfire, sir.
That's coming from the cellar, sir. From the cellar? The cellar. You stay here.
I'll go and investigate.
Where's me knob, Kerry? There.
Are you alone?
Colonel's in the cellar.
A drunkard.
Harry, I've been thinking.
I want you to forget all that has passed between us. I wasn't myself.
Well, whoever you were, madam, you were lovely.
No, forgive me. It wouldn't have worked out.
Our positions are so very different.
Well, there's not much I can say to that, is there?
It was just the heat.
This eternal, infernal heat will it never end.
Say, you remember that damn chap who disappeared with all those water pipes?
I knew I could do it. It was all in my head, you know.
Captain Wilcox. He's been downstairs for a month. No one at the place is so damn
hot he's gone and invented central heating.
You damn... Well,
that's all for this week. Next week in Stars on Sunday, Lester Piggott will
the Sermon on the Mount.
And we'll be taking a look at fur -covered toilet seats.
To see exactly what tickles your fancy.
And we shall be introducing our series, Handy Hints for the Home, with lots of
useful advice like this. Ladies, if your electric blanket doesn't work, don't
try and mend it yourself.
Simply switch it off at once and get a man in.
Then we'll bring you commentary on the launching of the Irish moon rocket, if
they can find a bottle big enough for the stick.
And we've only just heard that at the London Zoo last night, Mr and Mrs Horace
Bungstrom were accidentally locked in an empty cage at closing time.
This is believed to be the first time that Mr and Mrs Bungstrom have mated in
captivity.
So, with that happy news, it's goodnight from me. And it's an even better night
from Mr and Mrs Bungstrom. Goodnight.