1 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,060 Hello, it's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And in a 2 00:00:31,060 --> 00:00:35,220 packed programme tonight, the well -known Scots drunkard, Duncan McCoot, 3 00:00:35,220 --> 00:00:36,960 play Amazing Grace on the breathalyser. 4 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,300 Our fashion reporter will be presenting the very latest thing in women's 5 00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:43,860 clothes, David Bowie. 6 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:49,960 For sports fans, there'll be rugby with Eddie Wearing, boxing with Eddie Tiring, 7 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,720 and archaeology with Eddie Downright Boring. 8 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:58,040 And we'll be talking to a man who crossed a Gordon Highlander with a 9 00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,800 and got a squeaky jockstrap. 10 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:03,780 And a farmer. 11 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,500 And a farmer who crossed a field with Susan Hampshire and got nothing at all. 12 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,140 But first, the news. 13 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:21,400 A beautiful young Swedish nudist... Beautiful young Swedish nudist was 14 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:26,080 rescued today by the crew of a Scottish trawler. To save her embarrassment, they 15 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:30,600 quickly covered her with an old Macintosh. Mr Angus Macintosh of Fife, 16 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,180 Who was delighted. 17 00:01:36,590 --> 00:01:37,590 The art world. 18 00:01:37,850 --> 00:01:41,450 The engagement was announced today between the famous post -impressionist 19 00:01:41,450 --> 00:01:45,030 Madeleine Leclerc and Percy Edwards, the famous animal impersonator. 20 00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:48,870 They met when he was giving his impression of a dog and she was giving 21 00:01:48,870 --> 00:01:49,870 impression of a post. 22 00:01:54,610 --> 00:02:00,110 In the National Folk Dancing Festival at Blatchford yesterday, the crowd became 23 00:02:00,110 --> 00:02:03,230 so excited, police had to link arms and hold them back. 24 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:06,960 They were pushed forward four times, but each time they struggled back again. 25 00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:10,940 The police were commended for the restraint and awarded first prize in the 26 00:02:10,940 --> 00:02:11,940 -cokey. 27 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:18,400 A survey on the labelling of toilet doors has just announced its findings 28 00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:21,780 In most undertakers, the doors are labelled his and hers. 29 00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:25,400 In a Franciscan monastery, 30 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,720 the doors were labelled silent order and out of order. 31 00:02:33,230 --> 00:02:37,230 And the civil service, of course, has three doors marked in, out and pending. 32 00:02:39,310 --> 00:02:40,670 But here's the newsflash. 33 00:02:41,230 --> 00:02:45,310 Electricity reductions were so severe in London this evening that at Wembley 34 00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:47,970 Greyhound Stadium, the electric hair came in third. 35 00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:54,150 And all the blue lamps turned to red, enabling policewoman Shirley Wainwright 36 00:02:54,150 --> 00:02:55,590 make three arrests and seven guineas. 37 00:02:59,850 --> 00:03:01,590 But now, a sketch. 38 00:03:01,870 --> 00:03:06,910 that features Mr Ronnie Barker, who today won the Nobel Prize for creating 39 00:03:06,910 --> 00:03:07,910 perfect vacuum. 40 00:03:07,990 --> 00:03:09,130 How did you do it, Ronnie? 41 00:03:09,330 --> 00:03:10,330 Oh, it was nothing, really. 42 00:03:16,310 --> 00:03:17,310 Oh, 43 00:03:17,910 --> 00:03:21,690 I must introduce you to Harry Gubbins. He's the life and soul of the party. Oh, 44 00:03:21,710 --> 00:03:22,629 good, good. 45 00:03:22,630 --> 00:03:25,530 Harry, darling, this is Rodney. Hello, Harry. 46 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:43,560 My dog died. Why don't you have a nice drink? 47 00:03:43,860 --> 00:03:45,520 I don't want a ruddy drink. 48 00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:49,060 My dog died today. He died. 49 00:03:49,580 --> 00:03:52,920 How inconsiderate of me. I'll just take my jacket off if you don't mind. 50 00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:53,439 He's dead. 51 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,880 Yes, well, he would be, yes. 52 00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:01,400 He used to sleep on an old jacket just like that. 53 00:04:13,070 --> 00:04:14,310 wag their tails when you come home. 54 00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:17,350 No, I never have seen a chicken wag its tail, no. 55 00:04:18,490 --> 00:04:20,490 What am I going to do? What am I going to do? 56 00:04:20,810 --> 00:04:23,730 Well, why don't you have a nice cocktail, look? 57 00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:27,770 Woo found with a dash of pecanese, he was. No, this is a stuffed olive with a 58 00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:28,770 dash of martini. 59 00:04:30,110 --> 00:04:34,330 His favourite plaything, favourite plaything, used to be an old pair of 60 00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:35,730 like these ones you're wearing. 61 00:04:36,030 --> 00:04:37,030 An old pair of trousers? 62 00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:39,230 An old pair like those. Just like the ones I'm wearing? 63 00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:40,830 What are you trying to do to me? 64 00:04:45,710 --> 00:04:47,150 I wouldn't have come in there right now. 65 00:04:48,290 --> 00:04:51,230 Listen, tell me, how old was he when he died? 66 00:04:51,450 --> 00:04:52,450 Chaucer? Yes. 67 00:04:53,530 --> 00:04:55,670 Chaucer would have been 37 in October. 68 00:04:57,050 --> 00:05:00,690 Well, that's no great age, is it? We had a tortoise once, you know, that 69 00:05:00,690 --> 00:05:02,630 attained that age. Then it laid an egg. 70 00:05:04,210 --> 00:05:05,850 Chaucer never laid an egg, you know. 71 00:05:06,990 --> 00:05:09,910 I'm sure it wasn't for want of trying. No, no, no. 72 00:05:12,870 --> 00:05:16,210 Not about something nice to eat, eh? Oh, no, no, no. 73 00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:20,250 Chocolate mousse? No, not chocolate mousse. His favourite food, is it? His 74 00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:21,910 favourite food, yes, absolutely favourite. 75 00:05:22,270 --> 00:05:23,810 And I can't bear to look at it! 76 00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:37,510 Shall I just go away now? No, don't go away. 77 00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:41,810 That's what he did. That's what Towson did. He went away and left me dogless. 78 00:05:42,390 --> 00:05:43,390 Hello, 79 00:05:43,750 --> 00:05:44,750 Harry. 80 00:05:45,070 --> 00:05:47,270 Oh, what a funny little man. 81 00:05:48,030 --> 00:05:51,310 Oh, Harry, you've been playing one of your jokes again. 82 00:05:51,990 --> 00:05:52,990 Yes. 83 00:05:57,250 --> 00:06:00,170 Yes, the old my dog died this morning routine. 84 00:06:01,850 --> 00:06:05,970 Oh, it worked a treat. It's nice to meet someone who can take a joke these days. 85 00:06:14,730 --> 00:06:15,730 That sort of party. 86 00:06:17,690 --> 00:06:20,490 Oh, isn't it? I was told it was. A friend of mine said it's the sort of 87 00:06:20,490 --> 00:06:24,330 where you take your trousers off and throw a mousse at each other. Oh, look, 88 00:06:24,330 --> 00:06:25,330 brought to dear Mrs. 89 00:06:25,350 --> 00:06:26,550 Wisbury to talk to you. 90 00:06:26,810 --> 00:06:27,810 Oh. 91 00:06:27,890 --> 00:06:29,630 Sorry about the mess, Mrs. Wisbury. 92 00:06:30,310 --> 00:06:32,530 Someone was just telling me how his dog died. 93 00:06:33,530 --> 00:06:35,850 My goldfish passed away in the night. 94 00:06:40,610 --> 00:06:41,610 Did he? 95 00:06:42,130 --> 00:06:43,230 What did he do, drown himself? 96 00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:54,500 I want to speak to you tonight about the water shortage. 97 00:06:54,860 --> 00:06:57,880 Now, there have been rumours that the government are washing their hands of 98 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,680 whole problem, but we're not, because there isn't any water. 99 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,800 There's even been a ridiculous rumour that the cows in the North East are 100 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:05,800 dried milk. 101 00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:10,260 Now, let me deal with that one straight away. It's true. 102 00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:17,100 How bad is the crisis? Well, here is a chart showing Britain's goldfish 103 00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,100 reserves. 104 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,700 Which have been left high and dry, as you see. 105 00:07:24,740 --> 00:07:29,960 Now, yesterday, in the annual River Thames fishing contest, the winner 106 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:30,960 seven -pound ferret. 107 00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:39,280 Indeed, I myself, on Thursday, travelled by train from Manchester to London, and 108 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:40,600 I didn't pass water once. 109 00:07:45,390 --> 00:07:49,470 What are we in the government doing about the water shortage? The answer is 110 00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:50,510 simple, nothing. 111 00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:56,970 Or to put it another way, here is a map with the affected areas marked in red. 112 00:08:00,590 --> 00:08:03,970 Or if you have a black and white television set, marked in purple. 113 00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:09,050 Now, for the time being, the Lake District will be known as the Puddle 114 00:08:09,850 --> 00:08:12,870 Barges will sail along the Grand Union Mud Bath here. 115 00:08:13,310 --> 00:08:15,410 And, of course, Waterloo becomes Elsan. 116 00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:22,170 Now, our boffins have noticed that there's very little water shortage out 117 00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:26,170 sea, so in future, all reservoirs will be built here on the Dogger Bank. 118 00:08:26,710 --> 00:08:30,290 They'll have a hole in the top to let the rain in and a hole in the side to 119 00:08:30,290 --> 00:08:31,290 the trawlers out. 120 00:08:33,470 --> 00:08:38,250 Now, here is a picture... Now, 121 00:08:39,309 --> 00:08:40,809 here is a picture of Gladys Whipsnade. 122 00:08:42,159 --> 00:08:43,400 Which brings me to sport. 123 00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:48,720 Now, this may not bring you to sport, but that's what it brings me to. 124 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:53,560 This is bound to be affected by a complete lack of water. However, next 125 00:08:53,580 --> 00:08:55,660 there will be treacle skiing at Ryslip. 126 00:08:56,540 --> 00:09:00,200 At Ascot, the water will only be turned on on Ladies' Day, but we hope the 127 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,600 ladies will be turned on every day. 128 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,200 From now on, all showers will be useless. 129 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,420 And talking of useless showers, the Cabinet have solemnly promised... 130 00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:15,800 They have solemnly promised that when the sewage at Westminster reaches danger 131 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,360 level, they will step in. 132 00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:22,900 Now, here is a map that makes it all simple. 133 00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:27,120 And here is the real map, which makes it all look a ghastly mess. 134 00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:32,460 Now, there is one good piece of news. The Channel Tunnel is now complete, and 135 00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:35,740 it slopes the other way, we can put all our sewage where it really belongs, 136 00:09:35,980 --> 00:09:36,980 France. 137 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:45,100 Now, what can you do about it? At home. Well, firstly, you can buy our new 138 00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:46,260 economy watering can. 139 00:09:49,460 --> 00:09:55,880 And you know we can't have everyone washing down their cars every Sunday. Do 140 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:56,880 on a Wednesday. 141 00:09:57,500 --> 00:10:00,360 Try to combine going to the toilet with cleaning the windows. 142 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:13,010 If your whiskey's too strong, Always add a drop of gin. 143 00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:17,790 How about making tea without water, using a tea bag? 144 00:10:18,010 --> 00:10:20,810 Now, here I have a picture of a typical bag. 145 00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:27,350 That's Gladys Whipsnade again. Now, here is a teapot. 146 00:10:27,630 --> 00:10:31,550 And remember, it's one spoonful per person and one for the pot. 147 00:10:31,970 --> 00:10:35,110 Shake well and pour yourself a nice cup of tea leaves. 148 00:10:35,550 --> 00:10:37,070 Like that. There we are. 149 00:10:37,550 --> 00:10:40,470 If you're still dry, why not try... 150 00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:42,350 A refreshing sip of peanut butter. 151 00:10:43,750 --> 00:10:44,990 It's delicious, eventually. 152 00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:52,270 I have to end... I have to end with something, so I end with an emergency 153 00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:56,310 message. It's for single girls in the London area. From now on, you're asked 154 00:10:56,310 --> 00:10:59,950 share your bathrooms with other girls, as only the bathroom at Buckingham 155 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,530 will have continuous water. 156 00:11:01,770 --> 00:11:04,890 Or to sum up, it's either two players or a royal flush. 157 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,250 Thank you. 158 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:55,920 I say, Tony. 159 00:13:58,700 --> 00:13:59,700 What? 160 00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:04,180 Remember how Mr. Watts' name used to come in the pub? 161 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:06,500 Who? 162 00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:10,060 Used to come in with that big woman, you know. 163 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:11,920 Don't know who you mean. 164 00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:17,360 That big woman used to wear a fur coat, live near Dennis' mother's. 165 00:14:17,850 --> 00:14:18,850 Dennis who? 166 00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:22,550 What big woman? You know, that big woman lived near Dennis. You remember Dennis? 167 00:14:22,670 --> 00:14:25,050 Dennis with masses of dark hair, you know. 168 00:14:25,410 --> 00:14:27,170 And his sallow boy, big with it. 169 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:30,690 Used to work for that printers at Caterham. 170 00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:32,390 What printers? 171 00:14:32,810 --> 00:14:35,670 You remember, the printers that were supposed to have done all Winston 172 00:14:35,670 --> 00:14:37,510 Churchill's visiting cards during the war. 173 00:14:37,930 --> 00:14:38,930 Who? 174 00:14:41,070 --> 00:14:44,390 Winston Churchill, the war leader. Oh, my God. 175 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,280 Winston Churchill, the one who's supposed to have saved us from the 176 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:49,280 Adolf. 177 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,200 Adolf who? 178 00:14:54,140 --> 00:14:55,420 Hitler, Adolf Hitler. 179 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,340 Don't mean to tell me you don't know who Adolf Hitler is. 180 00:14:58,860 --> 00:15:00,900 Of course I know who Adolf Hitler is. 181 00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:02,900 Not a moron, Harold. 182 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,220 Oh, well, don't start off. 183 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,340 Well. Well, then. 184 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,399 Well, what? 185 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,400 Well, he's dead. 186 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:09,520 Who? 187 00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:13,960 Hitler? Hitler, not Hitler, silly queen. I'm talking about... 188 00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:19,370 What I mean is that Churchill saved us from the clutches of Hitler. 189 00:15:20,090 --> 00:15:21,230 Well, what about it? 190 00:15:21,450 --> 00:15:24,150 Well, all I'm trying to tell you is that Winston Churchill used to have his 191 00:15:24,150 --> 00:15:27,950 visiting cards done at this firm in Caterham where Dennis works. 192 00:15:28,830 --> 00:15:29,830 Dennis who? 193 00:15:31,610 --> 00:15:36,130 Dennis, the chap whose mother lives near the woman in the fur coat. 194 00:15:36,750 --> 00:15:37,750 What woman? 195 00:15:37,850 --> 00:15:38,850 Oh, dear. 196 00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:43,680 The big woman who used to come into the pub with Mr. What's -his -name. Turner? 197 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,500 Turner, Turner, yes, him, Turner. 198 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,040 Well, what about him? Well, he's dead. 199 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,220 Well, they never proved it. He might be living under another name in South 200 00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,220 America. 201 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,640 Nice pub this, isn't it? That's attractive, don't you think? 202 00:16:18,820 --> 00:16:20,120 I've been watching you. 203 00:16:20,860 --> 00:16:22,860 What are you going to have to drink, eh? 204 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,760 You've been gazing insultingly at my wife. 205 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:30,200 Nonsense. Come on, have another drink. What will it be, barber? 206 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,560 I'm warning you. 207 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:37,320 You've been staring in an indecent manner at my wife's figure. 208 00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:41,620 Absolute rubbish, old man. I wouldn't do a thing like that. 209 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,980 Nothing was further from my thoughts. 210 00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:47,980 Barman, two large bosoms, please. 211 00:17:04,140 --> 00:17:05,300 Oh, Edward. 212 00:17:05,619 --> 00:17:07,180 Still you're not here, are you? 213 00:17:07,599 --> 00:17:08,599 No. 214 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:18,099 I've been dancing. Yes, but with someone else. People will talk. Why, Tom and I 215 00:17:18,099 --> 00:17:19,099 are very good friends. 216 00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:21,880 But I'm your wife. 217 00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:23,180 Tom's a better dancer. 218 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,800 Oh, very well, Edward. Go ahead and have fun. 219 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,420 Yeah, all right. All right. 220 00:17:32,140 --> 00:17:34,520 I don't have much fun, you know. 221 00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:35,780 Oh. 222 00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:40,560 Up and down all night, warming the milk, mashing the rust. 223 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,900 shivering in the cold, changing nappies. 224 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,440 I wouldn't mind so much if we had a baby. 225 00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:52,480 We used to have one. What happened to it? 226 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:57,900 He went to Harrow, graduated to Sandhurst, climbed the south face of the 227 00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:00,200 Matterhorn, and he's now the Archbishop of York. 228 00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:03,280 It's time he changed his own nappy. 229 00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:07,100 Edward, I feel so alone. 230 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,480 Cast adrift like a little boat in the dust. 231 00:18:20,430 --> 00:18:21,890 No, you're making me seasick. 232 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,090 Edward, you just don't care. 233 00:18:25,510 --> 00:18:28,110 You don't even bring me flowers anymore. 234 00:18:28,330 --> 00:18:29,550 I did last week. 235 00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:30,770 That wreath? 236 00:18:32,530 --> 00:18:37,230 I risked my life for that wreath. That hearse was travelling at over 30 miles 237 00:18:37,230 --> 00:18:38,209 hour. 238 00:18:38,210 --> 00:18:39,370 Oh, Edward. 239 00:18:39,650 --> 00:18:44,890 And don't think I don't know about your carrying on. I saw you in there just 240 00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:49,770 now, holding that girl by the rostrum. I was not. I was holding her by the 241 00:18:49,770 --> 00:18:50,770 elbow. if you might. 242 00:18:50,820 --> 00:18:52,600 Do you ever think how I feel? 243 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,400 I know how you feel. I wanted to feel how she felt. 244 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,060 How could you? 245 00:18:58,380 --> 00:19:00,260 Oh, you're such a little innocent. 246 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,080 No, I'm not. Oh, so you admit it. 247 00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:04,300 What? 248 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,040 I do know you know. 249 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:11,360 What do you know? Well, I could be wrong. No, I suppose you mean about 250 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,340 me. Oh, oh, I was wrong. I thought it was Rupert. 251 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,700 Rupert, he doesn't count. No, he's not too good at spelling either. 252 00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:24,840 Well, maybe he isn't, but he's wonderful on the golf course. 253 00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:27,860 Oh, Edward, 254 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,019 I'm sorry. 255 00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:31,320 Come here and hold me. 256 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,040 Tight. Yes, I am a bit. 257 00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:48,470 in Vienna. 258 00:19:48,490 --> 00:19:50,590 What beautiful memories it brings back. 259 00:19:50,810 --> 00:19:53,650 Oh, but Edward, I went there alone. You stayed here with my sister. 260 00:19:53,910 --> 00:19:55,990 I know. What beautiful memories it brings back. 261 00:19:56,490 --> 00:20:00,190 Edward! It's a gentleman's excuse me. Oh, so it is. 262 00:20:00,470 --> 00:20:01,470 Excuse me. Tom! 263 00:20:04,530 --> 00:20:06,770 Phyllis! Phyllis, aren't you coming in? 264 00:20:07,090 --> 00:20:09,810 Everyone's wondering where you are. Well, they'll have to manage without me. 265 00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:11,950 But it's the last wars, Phyllis. 266 00:20:12,590 --> 00:20:15,190 Phyllis! It won't be the same without you. 267 00:20:15,550 --> 00:20:16,570 We need... 268 00:20:29,230 --> 00:20:31,570 for this evening, Dawn with Tony Orlando. 269 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,660 When a family owned a man that loved her so 270 00:21:03,660 --> 00:21:10,420 Who'd believe she'd leave us to 271 00:21:10,420 --> 00:21:13,860 joy Burlesque shore 272 00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:20,460 Was there anybody seen 273 00:21:20,460 --> 00:21:27,450 my sweet tipsy rose Here's a picture when she was mine Sweet Mary 274 00:21:27,450 --> 00:21:33,330 Jo, now she's got rings on her fingers and bells on her toes. 275 00:21:34,150 --> 00:21:39,130 Say, has anybody seen my sweet tipsy rose? 276 00:21:39,650 --> 00:21:44,650 Oh, I've got to win my joes for dancing here in New Orleans. 277 00:21:45,310 --> 00:21:50,270 In a small little honky tonk, they call the land a dream. 278 00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:01,620 Say, has anybody seen my sweet Jetson Rose? 279 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:07,500 Oh, baby, baby, won't you come home? 280 00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:13,800 Say, we all wish that every night we kiss your picture. 281 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:21,460 Oh, tonight the lights go dim and the crowd goes home. 282 00:22:22,060 --> 00:22:26,360 That's the day you wake up and the lights are off. 283 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,900 Let's say goodbye, gypsy. 284 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,140 Hello, Mary Jo of the Valley. 285 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:39,200 Say, has anybody seen my street gypsy rose jubilation? 286 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:05,200 Now you know just what I mean by, has anybody seen my gypsy rose? 287 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,900 Let's go to an introduction I think you remember. 288 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,880 A song that you know. 289 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,960 I've never had my summertime. 290 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,780 Now I've got to know what is a Disneyland. 291 00:23:23,620 --> 00:23:29,100 If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free. 292 00:23:31,210 --> 00:23:34,890 know just what to do if you still want me. 293 00:23:35,690 --> 00:23:40,750 If you still want me. Let's do it together at home. Come on. 294 00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:07,430 Put the blame on me And I don't see a yellow ribbon around 295 00:24:07,430 --> 00:24:13,610 The old tree Lay it pretty down 296 00:24:13,610 --> 00:24:18,090 Now 297 00:24:18,090 --> 00:24:24,710 the whole 298 00:24:24,710 --> 00:24:28,470 day Bus is cheering 299 00:24:30,410 --> 00:24:35,610 Because I can't believe that I see you. 300 00:24:37,670 --> 00:24:44,470 A hundred yellow ribbons round the old street. 301 00:24:45,290 --> 00:24:47,230 I'm coming home. 302 00:25:10,459 --> 00:25:11,580 Listen to this. 303 00:25:12,020 --> 00:25:13,200 A very funny story. 304 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:14,720 This will make you laugh. 305 00:25:15,460 --> 00:25:16,980 Well, it won't make everybody laugh. 306 00:25:18,180 --> 00:25:22,280 Well, that, of course, is a matter of circumstances. I mean, if you happen to 307 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:28,500 at this moment pinned to the living room wall by a sex -starved gorilla, then a 308 00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:30,900 wry smile is as much as we can hope for. 309 00:25:32,590 --> 00:25:36,990 And those viewers who might be watching on a portable television while plunging 310 00:25:36,990 --> 00:25:42,370 over a waterfall in a canoe, or are perhaps tied to the railway lines, are 311 00:25:42,370 --> 00:25:46,770 going to get as much out of a joke as, say, an audience sitting comfortably 312 00:25:46,770 --> 00:25:50,070 in the studio, you know, with a complimentary bag of sweets and funny 313 00:25:51,770 --> 00:25:57,410 Mind you, we do actually take all this into account when we are compiling our 314 00:25:57,410 --> 00:26:01,150 viewing figures, you know. And in case you've ever wondered how we compile the 315 00:26:01,150 --> 00:26:05,220 viewing charts, Well, here at the BBC, I'll tell you how we do it. At the BBC 316 00:26:05,220 --> 00:26:11,160 here, we have a team of highly skilled public relations experts who go out 317 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:12,940 night and look in people's windows. 318 00:26:14,860 --> 00:26:18,100 And if you're watching us, they make a note of it. 319 00:26:18,340 --> 00:26:21,820 And if you're watching the other side, they knock on the door and run away. 320 00:26:24,660 --> 00:26:30,340 Now, the other side have an even more insidious trick. They ring you up. 321 00:26:30,540 --> 00:26:33,960 And if you're watching this side, they invite you to an orgy. 322 00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:40,420 And before you know what, you're in a London hotel, surrounded by beautiful 323 00:26:40,420 --> 00:26:41,580 girls and champagne. 324 00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:43,440 And you've missed Panorama. 325 00:26:48,340 --> 00:26:52,720 So you viewers at home, please don't answer the phone for the next few 326 00:26:53,660 --> 00:26:55,460 Otherwise you might be out enjoying yourselves. 327 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:04,120 Instead of listening to this story, which is about a time years ago when I 328 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:10,660 nearly, very nearly appeared at the Mechanics Institute Biggleswade. Now, 329 00:27:10,660 --> 00:27:15,000 Mechanics Institute Biggleswade at that period of time ranked in popularity as 330 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,740 an entertainment venue somewhere between the Scouts Hut at Stoke Poges and the 331 00:27:19,740 --> 00:27:20,740 Blackwall Tunnel. 332 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:30,040 My agent, I was talking about, who incidentally is now very well off 333 00:27:32,780 --> 00:27:39,320 He's got a 15 -roomed house and a riding stables and a grouse moor on his yacht. 334 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,480 In great comfort and place. 335 00:27:45,900 --> 00:27:52,720 I shouldn't have said that. You'll have the screwsmen around now. But things 336 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,200 were different then. 337 00:27:54,670 --> 00:27:58,910 I went to see him where he was staying in these dear old, the days departed. I 338 00:27:58,910 --> 00:28:01,710 went to see him where he was staying, in the gents' toilet at Euston Station. 339 00:28:02,710 --> 00:28:05,910 And I'll never forget him, sitting there in his... 340 00:28:05,910 --> 00:28:12,870 In his peep 341 00:28:12,870 --> 00:28:18,890 -toed wellingtons, in his army greatcoat, in his blue plastic pixie 342 00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:21,150 smoking a toilet roll. 343 00:28:22,990 --> 00:28:27,160 Ronnie said, Ron, he said, I'm not going to try to deceive you, he said. 344 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,900 Business has been very quiet lately. 345 00:28:29,180 --> 00:28:34,180 He said, apart from Fred Wilby and his dancing tortoise, you are the only 346 00:28:34,180 --> 00:28:38,980 You are the only act I've got on the books. But at last, he said, your big 347 00:28:38,980 --> 00:28:42,900 opportunity has arrived, he said. You are going to star in the late -night 348 00:28:42,900 --> 00:28:47,440 spectacular floor show at the Mechanics Hall Institute Biggleswade. 349 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:49,540 He said, you're open tonight. 350 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,320 Don't be late. They close at seven. 351 00:28:53,710 --> 00:28:57,810 Now, with that, he had taken the bag of crisps from a passing child and he made 352 00:28:57,810 --> 00:28:58,810 a run for the exit. 353 00:28:59,690 --> 00:29:02,230 Now, at last we come to the funny bit I was telling you about. 354 00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:07,650 I am on a train to Biggleswade and we've been going along for quite a time when 355 00:29:07,650 --> 00:29:10,650 I happen to say to the ticket collector, how long is it before we get to 356 00:29:10,650 --> 00:29:14,110 Biggleswade? Well, he said, it's about ten minutes. I said, oh, good, because 357 00:29:14,110 --> 00:29:15,110 I'm getting off there. 358 00:29:15,230 --> 00:29:16,910 He said, do you mind if I watch? 359 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:25,060 Because I've never seen anybody get off a train going at 90 miles an hour. 360 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:30,800 Which was his rather kind of chic way of breaking it to me that the train didn't 361 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:31,800 stop at Bigglesway. 362 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:36,220 So I explained the situation to him and he said, listen, he said, dry your eyes. 363 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,940 Come on now, boo -boos, he said, dry your eyes, boo -boos. 364 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:43,400 Give us a little smile, he said. 365 00:29:43,820 --> 00:29:48,140 That's better, he said, because I've got an idea. He said, supposing I ask the 366 00:29:48,140 --> 00:29:51,980 driver to slow down going through the station, and I get hold of you by the 367 00:29:51,980 --> 00:29:57,480 loose skin at the back of your neck, and you set your legs going, then I lower 368 00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,660 you onto the platform and Bob's your uncle. 369 00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:05,060 So a few minutes later, there I was in mid -air, suitcase in each hand, feet 370 00:30:05,060 --> 00:30:08,820 twinkling away like that, and I touch the ground. 371 00:30:09,260 --> 00:30:12,400 and just stopped at the end of the platform, waved goodbye to the ticket 372 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:16,440 collector, when the guard leaned out, grabbed me and yanked me into his van 373 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:17,700 said, you nearly missed it, didn't you? 374 00:31:02,860 --> 00:31:04,880 What does it say? What? What does it say? 375 00:31:05,220 --> 00:31:08,800 I haven't finished reading it. Be patient, my dear. 376 00:31:09,620 --> 00:31:14,220 Patient? A letter is delivered by hand from no lesson address in Buckingham 377 00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:16,640 Palace itself, and my husband tells me to be patient. 378 00:31:17,100 --> 00:31:18,100 Richard, really. 379 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:23,040 I'm sorry, my dear, to be a trifle slow, but reading wasn't my best subject at 380 00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:24,040 heath. 381 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:31,200 That's why I had to give up any idea of following a profession and became an MP. 382 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,120 I'll tell you this much. 383 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:37,720 It's addressed to both of us. 384 00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:40,320 Here, let me read it. 385 00:31:41,140 --> 00:31:44,600 To Sir Richard and Lady Bellamy. There we are, right so far. 386 00:31:45,220 --> 00:31:51,660 I have the honour to inform you that His Majesty, oh, would deem it a privilege 387 00:31:51,660 --> 00:31:57,200 to dine with you on May the 21st at 8 o 'clock at your residence in Belgrave 388 00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:58,200 Square. That's here. 389 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,600 His Majesty would of course be incognito. 390 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:02,980 I have the honour to remain, etc. 391 00:32:03,220 --> 00:32:06,420 Arthur Wormington, Private Secretary, to His Majesty. 392 00:32:07,340 --> 00:32:09,360 Oh, Richard, I think I'm going to faint. 393 00:32:09,580 --> 00:32:12,520 Here, lie down on the sofa and I'll undo something for you. 394 00:32:13,420 --> 00:32:16,420 Oh, no, I haven't got time for this. I'm far too excited. 395 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:19,120 The King dining here. 396 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:23,360 It must be because of that chance meeting at the garden party. 397 00:32:23,580 --> 00:32:25,040 You remember, you weren't there. 398 00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:27,660 How could I remember if I wasn't there? 399 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:30,320 I told you about it. 400 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:32,440 I met him and now he wanted to dine here. 401 00:32:32,780 --> 00:32:35,480 And all because I offered him a pressed tongue sandwich. 402 00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:38,700 Are you sure that's all you offered him? 403 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,020 Don't be silly, Richard. 404 00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:43,800 Now, we must prepare. 405 00:32:44,180 --> 00:32:45,360 I'll put the potatoes on. 406 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:51,160 Richard, it must be kept secret from the neighbours. Remember, he'll be 407 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,020 incognito the whole time. 408 00:32:53,380 --> 00:32:55,680 From what I hear, he always is these days. 409 00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:57,440 Can't do his liver any good. 410 00:32:57,720 --> 00:32:58,980 I ring for Hudson. 411 00:33:02,459 --> 00:33:03,520 You rang, sir. 412 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:05,960 Ah, Hudson, that was quick. 413 00:33:06,220 --> 00:33:09,920 No, no, no, no. I came in just before you rang, sir. Ah, that's what I mean. 414 00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:12,180 Your mistress wants a word with you. 415 00:33:12,380 --> 00:33:13,760 What do you mean? She's here in the house now. 416 00:33:17,740 --> 00:33:20,440 Lady Bellamy. Oh, I see. I'm awfully sorry. 417 00:33:20,940 --> 00:33:26,260 We are expecting a very distinguished visitor to dinner on Friday, Hudson. 418 00:33:26,460 --> 00:33:29,020 Oh, would it be a fellow MP at all, Sir Richard? 419 00:33:29,260 --> 00:33:32,010 No, no. someone of far greater stature than me. 420 00:33:32,250 --> 00:33:33,250 Who really? 421 00:33:35,410 --> 00:33:36,950 Now, who could that possibly be? 422 00:33:37,350 --> 00:33:39,690 His Majesty King Edward. 423 00:33:39,990 --> 00:33:41,010 What seventh, you mean? 424 00:33:41,370 --> 00:33:43,770 Well, naturally, Edward VI died in 1553. 425 00:33:44,410 --> 00:33:45,970 Did he, by Jove? 426 00:33:46,190 --> 00:33:48,230 That's something else they didn't teach us at Eton. 427 00:33:48,770 --> 00:33:50,870 Hang on a minute, that can't be quite correct, surely. 428 00:33:51,090 --> 00:33:53,770 I mean, that would make this one about 300 years old. 429 00:33:54,450 --> 00:33:56,050 No, silly, there have been other... 430 00:33:56,719 --> 00:33:59,720 Excuse me, Millie, while you're sorting out that historical point, I wonder if I 431 00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,620 might inform the staff of the occasion. 432 00:34:01,860 --> 00:34:05,780 Oh, by the way, the reason I came in the first place was to ask my lady if it 433 00:34:05,780 --> 00:34:08,320 would be possible to borrow the morning room this afternoon. 434 00:34:09,300 --> 00:34:10,659 It's for my evening classes. 435 00:34:13,219 --> 00:34:17,139 What? Well, you see, I'm working this evening, you see, and so the morning 436 00:34:17,139 --> 00:34:18,620 would be ideal for this afternoon. 437 00:34:19,669 --> 00:34:23,730 I'm sorry, I'm a trifle confused, Hudson. You're not asking for the whole 438 00:34:23,730 --> 00:34:27,150 off, are you? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Sir Richard, no, no. You see, I'm 439 00:34:27,150 --> 00:34:30,389 this morning and this evening, so I thought we'd have this afternoon off, 440 00:34:30,389 --> 00:34:31,389 see, for the evening classes. 441 00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:33,670 In the morning room? In the morning room, yes. 442 00:34:34,050 --> 00:34:37,429 Well, of course, by all means, Hudson, provided you put in a little appearance 443 00:34:37,429 --> 00:34:40,590 from time to time. Oh, certainly, yes, yes. Will that be all, milady? Yes, 444 00:34:40,590 --> 00:34:41,590 you very much indeed. 445 00:34:41,750 --> 00:34:44,110 Very nice to pass the time of day with you, Hudson. 446 00:34:44,530 --> 00:34:46,050 Thank you, milady. Thank you, Sir Richard. 447 00:34:46,330 --> 00:34:47,330 Where is he? 448 00:34:50,159 --> 00:34:52,260 My dear, what are these evening classes? 449 00:34:52,719 --> 00:34:56,620 He gives the maids lessons in deportment and physical fitness. He likes to show 450 00:34:56,620 --> 00:34:57,620 them a few wrinkles. 451 00:34:58,760 --> 00:34:59,860 I'm sure he does. 452 00:35:01,420 --> 00:35:05,160 Nevertheless, I'm sure the king's visit will give the maids something to occupy 453 00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,700 them. I dare say he can't wait to tell them the news. 454 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:24,320 His Majesty is coming to dinner. 455 00:35:25,540 --> 00:35:26,100 His 456 00:35:26,100 --> 00:35:40,020 Majesty 457 00:35:40,020 --> 00:35:41,020 is coming to dinner. 458 00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:11,520 Majesty is coming to dinner. 459 00:37:02,190 --> 00:37:03,009 answer me. 460 00:37:03,010 --> 00:37:04,010 Hello. 461 00:37:04,330 --> 00:37:06,630 These damn new fangle things, really. 462 00:37:06,870 --> 00:37:10,530 You spend a fortune installing them and can't get them to work. Can't get Mother 463 00:37:10,530 --> 00:37:12,470 to hear me. Mother's not on the telephone. 464 00:37:12,710 --> 00:37:13,710 That's no excuse. 465 00:37:14,290 --> 00:37:18,230 What? Listen, I've got something far more important to talk about. I've been 466 00:37:18,230 --> 00:37:23,030 having a word with Rose, the head housemaid. And Richard, she's very 467 00:37:23,330 --> 00:37:24,610 I absolutely deny it. 468 00:37:25,110 --> 00:37:27,450 The whole thing is a tissue of lies. 469 00:37:27,710 --> 00:37:28,830 I was having an all -night sitting. 470 00:37:29,230 --> 00:37:30,230 What did she say? 471 00:37:30,270 --> 00:37:31,270 She merely... 472 00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:36,000 Oh, that's different, then. Richard, have you got a guilty conscience? 473 00:37:36,300 --> 00:37:37,218 Certainly not. 474 00:37:37,220 --> 00:37:38,740 You can't afford one as an MP. 475 00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:40,440 No, no, not at all. 476 00:37:40,700 --> 00:37:43,820 Hudson missing, you say? Yes, he's not been seen since this morning. 477 00:37:44,100 --> 00:37:48,240 Apparently, a man in a bowler hat called at the front door and after a hurried 478 00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:51,800 consultation left again, afterwards followed by Hudson. 479 00:37:52,220 --> 00:37:56,520 And then later in the morning, one of the maids saw him with a large bag in 480 00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:57,560 Burlington Arcade. 481 00:37:57,940 --> 00:37:59,480 Did the maid recognise her? 482 00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:05,960 The large bag he was with, dear. 483 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:08,580 It wasn't Gertie from the Gertie, was it? 484 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:13,020 Because I know he's been hanging around the stage door after her ever since he 485 00:38:13,020 --> 00:38:14,160 saw her as Dick in the panto. 486 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:17,840 Richard, I don't know what you're talking about. 487 00:38:18,060 --> 00:38:22,640 All I know is that the king is coming to dinner here tonight and we have no 488 00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:24,040 butler. Good grief. 489 00:38:24,500 --> 00:38:25,860 What are we going to do? 490 00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:30,200 Richard, you will have to be the butler. Oh, I couldn't possibly. 491 00:38:30,460 --> 00:38:32,140 I've never buttled in my life. 492 00:38:33,070 --> 00:38:36,090 I just would not know where to begin. There's no good going on. Look here. 493 00:38:36,590 --> 00:38:38,570 His Majesty doesn't know you. 494 00:38:39,290 --> 00:38:43,350 So you will just have to be the butler. I will not have a strange one in this 495 00:38:43,350 --> 00:38:44,288 house tonight. 496 00:38:44,290 --> 00:38:46,330 We have six hours to prepare. 497 00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:47,590 Oh, it's absolutely impossible. 498 00:38:48,010 --> 00:38:51,810 Anyway, my tailcoat is at the cleaners. Then you will have to wear Hudson's. 499 00:38:51,810 --> 00:38:52,810 Richard, I'm determined. 500 00:39:37,450 --> 00:39:40,410 Good evening, your lord, sir. 501 00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:05,400 Oh, this is wonderful. 502 00:40:05,620 --> 00:40:06,620 Wonderful. 503 00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:16,040 Beautiful. I love your... Stoop me, ladies. 504 00:40:17,900 --> 00:40:18,900 Thank you, Hudson. 505 00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:23,000 Oh, he's going to do a conjuring trick. 506 00:40:24,140 --> 00:40:26,420 You're going to pull a rabbit out of the soup. 507 00:40:26,940 --> 00:40:28,160 That's what went into it. 508 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:33,320 and a few other things. Oh, such as what? Such as this sleeve, for example. 509 00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:34,320 that. It's absolutely stoked. 510 00:40:35,240 --> 00:40:39,240 Would the lady mind very much if I removed my coat to serve the soup? You 511 00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:42,880 do no such thing, Hudson. Where's your decorum? Could be anywhere under this 512 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:43,880 lot. 513 00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,400 How do you serve the soup and don't be impersonal? 514 00:40:49,700 --> 00:40:51,380 More wine, Teddy. 515 00:40:51,620 --> 00:40:52,640 Oh, excuse me a minute. 516 00:40:54,780 --> 00:40:57,800 That would be... That would be delightful. 517 00:40:58,260 --> 00:40:59,360 I'm sorry, my dear. 518 00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:03,430 Where do you get it? My husband gets it, specially. 519 00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:05,550 Oh, where from? 520 00:41:05,990 --> 00:41:09,150 Dundas. You'll get it specially upstairs if you carry on like that. 521 00:41:12,570 --> 00:41:15,270 More soup, milady? 522 00:41:15,490 --> 00:41:18,710 No, thank you, Hudson. Oh, dear, I do wish you'd make up your mind. 523 00:41:21,070 --> 00:41:24,370 No more for me, please. Oh, no, I insist. 524 00:41:25,610 --> 00:41:26,610 Oyster soup. 525 00:41:27,510 --> 00:41:28,910 A little more, Hudson. 526 00:41:29,260 --> 00:41:30,260 Oh, I see. 527 00:41:31,020 --> 00:41:33,300 You think I will be needing it later? 528 00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:37,480 In that case, thank you. 529 00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:45,600 Who's Sir Richard? Oh, my goodness, you've scalded me, sir. I'll never wear 530 00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:46,600 sporran again, sir. 531 00:41:47,300 --> 00:41:48,420 It's Hudson. 532 00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:52,640 What is the meaning of this? Oh, I'm awfully sorry, madam. Will you ever 533 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,340 me? It was done with the best intentions. But why? 534 00:41:54,750 --> 00:41:59,670 Well, the king's secretary called here this morning and cancelled the visit. I 535 00:41:59,670 --> 00:42:03,450 just didn't have the heart to tell you. And you did this all out of loyalty? 536 00:42:03,810 --> 00:42:04,990 Oh, yes, sir, Richard, yes. 537 00:42:05,290 --> 00:42:09,370 Madam, will you ever forgive me? Oh, of course, Hudson. Come upstairs and I'll 538 00:42:09,370 --> 00:42:11,890 see how badly you're burned. Oh, no, no, no. 539 00:42:12,650 --> 00:42:15,470 Oh, no, it's absolutely nothing, milady. 540 00:42:15,670 --> 00:42:17,370 But are you sure it might need a poetic? 541 00:42:17,610 --> 00:42:19,390 Oh, no, I'm sure it wouldn't need a poetic. 542 00:42:20,130 --> 00:42:23,330 Just a minute, my dear. You're not going up the stairs and not the way you've 543 00:42:23,330 --> 00:42:24,330 been behaving, my girl. 544 00:42:24,620 --> 00:42:28,800 must remove his trousers here. Now, come along, Hunter. Oh, no, milady, no. Oh, 545 00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:30,220 please, milady. Now, look here. 546 00:42:30,700 --> 00:42:34,260 Oh, oh, but you, your majesty. 547 00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,860 I changed my mind and came after all. 548 00:42:39,140 --> 00:42:42,400 But why didn't you tell me it was this kind of party? 549 00:42:44,420 --> 00:42:45,420 Well, 550 00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:54,750 that's all. for this week. 551 00:42:55,050 --> 00:42:59,210 However, here is some late news. There was a fracas in London in the small 552 00:42:59,210 --> 00:43:01,890 of this morning involving one Seamus O 'Higgins. 553 00:43:02,090 --> 00:43:06,030 After a lengthy argument, O 'Higgins was arrested by PC Wallace Grudgen who 554 00:43:06,030 --> 00:43:08,450 claimed that his nose was broken in three places. 555 00:43:08,870 --> 00:43:10,890 Marble Arch, Piccadilly Circus and London Bridge. 556 00:43:12,970 --> 00:43:18,070 A Danish importer who lost a trunk full of highly pornographic books on the 557 00:43:18,070 --> 00:43:21,690 luggage escalator at London Airport has at last managed to find them. 558 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:25,320 His trunk came up last Wednesday, and his case comes up next Thursday. 559 00:43:27,660 --> 00:43:31,300 The Home Office announced this evening the number of prisoners who have escaped 560 00:43:31,300 --> 00:43:35,040 from Her Majesty's prisons during the year. These are Wormwood Scrubs, 19, 561 00:43:35,540 --> 00:43:39,380 Dartmoor, 12, Durham, 6, and Wandsworth, 21. 562 00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:42,280 Wormwood Scrubs now meet Wandsworth in the final. 563 00:43:44,910 --> 00:43:49,970 A recent airline strike has meant that a Hampshire woman not only had to carry 564 00:43:49,970 --> 00:43:54,730 her luggage onto the plane, but also had to finish her journey by rail. She said 565 00:43:54,730 --> 00:44:00,190 she left Hearn by plane for Albania and reached Albania by train with a hernia. 566 00:44:06,410 --> 00:44:10,790 The Leith police are said to be searching for several thistle sifters 567 00:44:10,790 --> 00:44:15,070 be suffering from thick heads after stampering thousands of small thin 568 00:44:15,070 --> 00:44:21,050 sachets containing 36 sorts of thick syrup stolen from Thirsk between 569 00:44:21,050 --> 00:44:21,828 and Saturday. 570 00:44:21,830 --> 00:44:25,130 The aforesaid thistle sifters are thought to have swallowed the syrup by 571 00:44:25,130 --> 00:44:26,210 it through thick straws. 572 00:44:27,630 --> 00:44:31,110 The Leith police say they can spot the thieves by the thickness of their speech 573 00:44:31,110 --> 00:44:34,710 and as soon as they come forth they will be summoned forthwith. 574 00:44:35,950 --> 00:44:39,570 They are asking all witnesses to step forward and speak out, but my advice is 575 00:44:39,570 --> 00:44:40,570 don't risk it. 576 00:44:41,210 --> 00:44:43,230 They are thick you inside as soon as they look at you. 577 00:44:53,430 --> 00:44:56,590 So it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.