1 00:00:28,860 --> 00:00:32,220 Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:32,220 --> 00:00:35,680 in a packed programme tonight, we shall be hearing about a new diet of cenopods 3 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:40,660 and garlic from a man who's already lost 12 pounds and all his friends. 4 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:47,200 And we'll have with us a man who is so superstitious he got stuck in a lift 5 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,160 13 strippers and he pressed the alarm button. 6 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:56,260 But first... But first, the news. 7 00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:01,020 After weeks of speculation, Death Watch Beetle has been confirmed in Canterbury 8 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:04,620 Cathedral. During the ceremony, the Archbishop also confirmed three mice, 9 00:01:04,620 --> 00:01:05,620 bats and a spider. 10 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:12,940 Due to heavy fog in central London, Susan Hampshire, who's playing Peter 11 00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:16,820 couldn't land at the Coliseum and had to be diverted to Manchester Opera House. 12 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,900 The Ministry of Defence have announced new pay scales for the army, heavily 13 00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:25,200 favouring the NCOs. 14 00:01:25,660 --> 00:01:28,760 Said a new recruit, it's all very well for the sergeants and the corporals, but 15 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,200 it's a nasty blow to the privates. 16 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:38,120 Angela Wainwright, the station announcer at Victoria, today married engine 17 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:39,680 driver Dick Crankshaw. 18 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:48,340 Her dress was a white organdy with lace bodice, and her train was 20 minutes 19 00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:49,340 late. 20 00:01:52,910 --> 00:01:56,910 In the Magic Circle golf tournament this afternoon, the great Misto paused at 21 00:01:56,910 --> 00:01:59,550 the 13th hole and turned his golf ball into a toad. 22 00:02:00,710 --> 00:02:02,390 Afterwards, he got a toad in the hole and won. 23 00:02:04,490 --> 00:02:10,070 And we've just heard that a cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the 24 00:02:10,070 --> 00:02:11,070 Kingston Bypass. 25 00:02:11,390 --> 00:02:14,690 Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. 26 00:02:20,510 --> 00:02:22,270 In the sketch that follows... 27 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:26,210 I shall be practising for the ice -dead foot, and I shall be practising for the 28 00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:27,210 loose -dead foot. 29 00:02:38,530 --> 00:02:40,470 Good day, Inspector Jay. 30 00:02:41,170 --> 00:02:43,270 Morning, Dawning. Any news of the girder murder? 31 00:02:45,070 --> 00:02:48,510 Yes, sir. He was shot in ox -shot by bag -shot with a slingshot full of book 32 00:02:48,510 --> 00:02:49,510 -shot. 33 00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:51,110 He's not shot in bag -shot. 34 00:02:51,450 --> 00:02:54,970 Well, you must be pleased that situation's eased. The relief is beyond 35 00:02:55,250 --> 00:02:59,190 Chief. In my mind, this one's for a blank, and I've only got you to thank. 36 00:02:59,190 --> 00:03:01,170 right, all right. This is the fawning dawning. 37 00:03:01,610 --> 00:03:05,010 I'm glad to hear your head is clear. It needs more space for the Mrs May's case 38 00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:06,010 to take its place. 39 00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:11,250 The Mrs May's case, have they traced the face? No, and what's more, the 40 00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:12,310 nightness is still missing, too. 41 00:03:12,590 --> 00:03:15,910 Ah, is she sure which nightness she was wearing? She's not mistaken which was 42 00:03:15,910 --> 00:03:17,670 taken. How come, little chum? 43 00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:19,110 Well... 44 00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:24,320 A voluptuous Mrs. Mace, each of her night dresses are equally attractively 45 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:25,680 seductive or seductively attractive. 46 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:30,020 Whatever she wore, she would always be a bountiful, beautiful nightie for. 47 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:36,200 I've heard she's a grand lady to have as a landlady. I've been told her teapot's 48 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,200 never cold. 49 00:03:38,570 --> 00:03:42,230 I would be delighted to be selected to inspect her, Inspector. Any prospect of 50 00:03:42,230 --> 00:03:46,450 any suspect? Yes, three. Two of them are actors who lodge with Grace, Mrs Mace, 51 00:03:46,550 --> 00:03:47,550 at her place in the chase. 52 00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:51,930 One is Leo Mighty, a leading man well known for his portrayal of farmers, 53 00:03:52,070 --> 00:03:53,170 charmers and men in pyjamas. 54 00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:57,670 The other one is Roger Manger, the stage manager who once played a mad stranger 55 00:03:57,670 --> 00:03:59,950 in a film with Stuart Granger called Deadly Danger. 56 00:04:01,130 --> 00:04:05,050 May I add another to the list if I am not being bumptious or presumptuous? 57 00:04:05,929 --> 00:04:09,650 Sergeant Bodger. Bodger? The replacement constable from Dunstable. You must be 58 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:10,388 mad, lad. 59 00:04:10,390 --> 00:04:11,770 Just a theory, dearie. 60 00:04:13,770 --> 00:04:16,829 May I sit down? Please make yourself comfrey, Humphrey. 61 00:04:18,290 --> 00:04:22,330 It's just that Sergeant Bodger has a face like a fit, which happens to fit 62 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:25,770 face on the photo fit in the first place, and is often to be found round at 63 00:04:25,770 --> 00:04:27,770 place in the chase, filling his face with fried fish. 64 00:04:28,010 --> 00:04:29,010 Fried fish? 65 00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:32,420 Fried by Grace, Mrs. Mace, mostly place or days. 66 00:04:32,700 --> 00:04:37,180 But surely Leo Mighty is much more likely. I mean, he's there nightly. 67 00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:40,200 looked very flighty in her nightie. It'd be the sort of toffee trying to pull it 68 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,200 up. 69 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,780 Possibly, but here is something you don't know. I don't know. I have heard 70 00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:47,780 with Roger. 71 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:52,720 Roger? The lodger. Oh, Roger Manger, who played the stranger with Granger. He 72 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,800 says he saw Leo taking the night rest. He was staring through the keyhole in 73 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:57,800 Mrs. Mace's door. 74 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:02,100 What? He dared to stare through there? Would he swear he saw Leo Mighty take 75 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:05,100 nightie? He'll do plenty of swearing. No wonder he was staring. It was the night 76 00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:06,100 dress she was wearing. 77 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,640 What? Surely not. 78 00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:11,380 He jumped on the bed and pulled it over her head. She went red, so he fled. And 79 00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:12,920 he hid himself in the shed and wished he was dead. 80 00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:16,080 She was going to call her cousin Ted, but she went dizzy in the head, so she 81 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,880 on the bed instead and went red. So you said. 82 00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:22,320 Roger is a liar. 83 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,300 Have you any proof, you silly old poof? 84 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,570 I have seen the... bedroom where Mrs. Mace sleeps. It's an attic, therefore 85 00:05:30,570 --> 00:05:32,770 story about pulling the nightdress over her head must be false. 86 00:05:33,010 --> 00:05:35,550 He must have pulled the nightgown right down. There's no headroom in her 87 00:05:35,550 --> 00:05:36,550 bedroom. 88 00:05:37,010 --> 00:05:40,190 So Roger is right. Roger's the culprit. Game, set, and match. So ends the 89 00:05:40,190 --> 00:05:42,650 disgraceful Grace Mace case. I'll just inform the inspector. 90 00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,150 Oh, the chief inspector. What a relief, inspector. 91 00:05:45,390 --> 00:05:46,390 Hello, inspector. 92 00:05:46,490 --> 00:05:50,090 Yes, we've solved the Mrs. Mace case. You will be glad to hear that Leo is 93 00:05:50,090 --> 00:05:52,050 innocent and so is Sergeant Bodger. Yes. 94 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,320 In other words, it was not Leo Mighty who lifted the knight, it was Roger the 95 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,320 Lodger, the soft -footed dodger, and not Sergeant Bodger, thank God. 96 00:06:07,620 --> 00:06:08,620 Good evening. 97 00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:10,100 I'm a doctor. 98 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:12,680 Take it. 99 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:18,420 Now, I'm not allowed to reveal my name for reasons of professional etiquette. 100 00:06:18,750 --> 00:06:22,770 Now, I fully agree with this, and so does my wife, Mrs. Ponson Wilberforce. 101 00:06:26,750 --> 00:06:31,290 I'm not allowed to reveal my address, of course, but here is an eye test card 102 00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:32,290 for you to read. 103 00:06:39,170 --> 00:06:42,630 Never mind Harley Street, what about the National Health, I hear you ask? 104 00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:46,310 Or rather, I don't hear you ask, as I use a National Health hearing aid. 105 00:06:48,620 --> 00:06:51,380 There's nothing wrong with the doctors. Frankly, it's the patients. 106 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,760 For a start, you're a pretty unhealthy lot. 107 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:59,000 Now, a recent survey showed that 99 .5 % of patients had something wrong with 108 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,000 them. 109 00:07:00,260 --> 00:07:02,000 The other half was a malingering dwarf. 110 00:07:04,580 --> 00:07:07,480 So where do you come in? Well, I'm hoping that you won't. 111 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,700 Now, if you wake up every morning feeling something terrible, get a 112 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,320 Catch something, it may be catching, so don't send for me. 113 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,820 And don't come and see me either. The last place you should be if you're ill 114 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,120 my drafty, unheated surgery. 115 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:29,000 People come to me with such trivial complaints. 116 00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:32,520 A man came to me this morning and said, Doctor, there's something hopping about 117 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,520 inside my head. 118 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,760 Ridiculous. I send for away with a flea in his ear. 119 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:43,120 Now, if you really must come to me, we have to go through the whole dreary 120 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:44,420 business of diagnosis. 121 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,000 Now, diagnosis is very like diarrhoea. 122 00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,490 you get it in your gnosis instead of in your rear. 123 00:07:53,270 --> 00:07:54,730 But why not do it yourself? 124 00:07:55,130 --> 00:07:58,290 Diagnose your trouble, suggest a treatment, get yourself some medicine 125 00:07:58,290 --> 00:07:59,470 well and just send me the money. 126 00:08:01,010 --> 00:08:06,590 Now, here is how to diagnose things. Here is a diagram here of a person of 127 00:08:06,590 --> 00:08:07,590 either sex. 128 00:08:07,910 --> 00:08:09,490 Now, most of you are one or the other. 129 00:08:13,210 --> 00:08:16,330 And for those of you who are the other, I can send you some hormone tablets. 130 00:08:20,330 --> 00:08:24,210 is this bit here between the hair and the chemist's shop. 131 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,530 We have to say chemist's shop. We're not allowed to advertise. 132 00:08:31,530 --> 00:08:37,409 Now, here is the esophagus, and here is the waistcoat. Now, I know very little 133 00:08:37,409 --> 00:08:41,409 about the esophagus, but a pain here in the waistcoat means that your wallet is 134 00:08:41,409 --> 00:08:43,110 too full, and I can certainly help you there. 135 00:08:45,370 --> 00:08:49,070 Now, a pain here would be due to this drawing pin. 136 00:08:54,270 --> 00:08:57,610 And, of course, growing pains are experienced here in the groin. 137 00:09:02,590 --> 00:09:09,450 Now, you can always examine yourself with this stethoscope. You'll notice 138 00:09:09,450 --> 00:09:10,349 got three ends. 139 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:15,010 You put one end in your right ear, like that, one under your left armpit, and 140 00:09:15,010 --> 00:09:16,010 this bit in your mouth. 141 00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:22,070 This way, you can talk to yourself, listen to your armpit, and play Amazing 142 00:09:22,070 --> 00:09:23,070 Grace all at the same time. 143 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:31,080 Now to help you further, here is something absolutely revolting in a 144 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,720 To a trained doctor, there's no doubt about what that is. 145 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,240 It's a gherkin from the chip shop. 146 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,440 I'll take that out for you later, sir. 147 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,400 Appointments. Now appointments can be a very sore point with patients. 148 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,500 Now if you have got a sore point... 149 00:09:54,780 --> 00:09:56,500 it is best to apply a local anaesthetic. 150 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,880 Simply go round to your local and keep drinking till the soreness is gone. 151 00:10:02,540 --> 00:10:04,640 You will soon know when you're cured you'll fall over. 152 00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:09,180 However, if you must see a doctor, you will have to book ahead. It's no use 153 00:10:09,180 --> 00:10:11,800 ringing him up and saying, Doctor, I've got the flu. He'll be fully booked. 154 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,000 You've got to say, Doctor, I'm going to have the flu on March the 14th. 155 00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:19,720 One should also always give alternative dates and, if possible, alternative 156 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:20,720 illnesses. 157 00:10:20,940 --> 00:10:24,080 Now, don't wait around until you get into the surgery before you undress. 158 00:10:24,550 --> 00:10:25,550 undress in the waiting room. 159 00:10:26,830 --> 00:10:29,750 This not only saves the doctor a lot of time, it amuses the other patients. 160 00:10:34,630 --> 00:10:38,370 Now, here is an X -ray of a man who swallowed 21 peas. 161 00:10:40,830 --> 00:10:44,990 This man's wife dreamed she was playing a fruit machine all night, and when he 162 00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:46,990 woke up, he had a mouthful of coins and a very sore arm. 163 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:54,990 Now, in this case, I prescribed liquid paraffin, but so far there's been little 164 00:10:54,990 --> 00:10:55,990 change. 165 00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:03,290 Tomorrow I'm going to give him three plums and try for the jackpot. 166 00:11:05,010 --> 00:11:08,330 So let me sum up. As a doctor, my advice to those who aren't too well is to 167 00:11:08,330 --> 00:11:12,210 dress warmly and go for a walk in the fog, or in other words, wrap up and get 168 00:11:12,210 --> 00:11:13,210 lost. Good night. 169 00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:21,590 Well, Helen, I suppose you could say with some safety that we've... We've 170 00:11:21,590 --> 00:11:26,470 arrived, eh? Got everything one could possibly ask for. Beautiful clothes, a 171 00:11:26,470 --> 00:11:32,110 yacht, heated swimming pool in the garden, Rolls -Royce in the garage, 172 00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:37,530 period house in the country, original paintings on the wall. 173 00:11:38,070 --> 00:11:41,550 I only wish every woman could have had a husband like mine. 174 00:11:42,170 --> 00:11:44,750 Yes, it's a pity you didn't live to enjoy it, eh? 175 00:11:56,020 --> 00:11:57,940 da da da da da da da 176 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:55,080 Britain's best -known losers, and Charlie Farley, a man who would have had 177 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,180 it takes if someone hadn't taken it first, were in a tight spot. 178 00:13:59,340 --> 00:14:04,740 They had orders from MI6 to locate the formula for the deadly, clumsy drug, 179 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:09,660 which was undermining the authority of famous and important people all over the 180 00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:10,660 world. 181 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:15,660 No sooner had they accepted the case, however, than their superior was 182 00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:16,660 poisoned. 183 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,080 This, then, is the story so far. 184 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,980 Except for viewers in Scotland, where the story is as follows. 185 00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:31,680 Peggy Macmillan and Charlie Fairley, those two broad -breasted cocks of the 186 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:36,200 north, are called into headquarters of Scottish intelligence in Shokey Hall 187 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:41,280 Street after hearing of a terrible drug which quietens down Scottish football 188 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,280 fans. 189 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:47,800 Meanwhile, back in civilisation, the hunt is on. 190 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:58,520 an airport. 191 00:14:58,620 --> 00:15:02,940 It is from here that Piggy and Charlie are destined to take the first hesitant 192 00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:05,860 step on a downward path that could lead to destruction. 193 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,300 And if you're wondering why Charlie doesn't seem to be around, remember the 194 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,240 airfares have all just gone up again. 195 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:19,299 That's all. 196 00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:20,340 We're still in London. 197 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,140 Why don't we stop, Chief? 198 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,220 I'm having a snack. 199 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,000 after this. 200 00:16:27,540 --> 00:16:30,280 It's all money, isn't it? It's all money saved, isn't it? 201 00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:31,880 Why is it always me? 202 00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:35,380 Don't be daft. Where are we going to find a trunk my size? 203 00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:37,860 Where are you addressing me? 204 00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:39,640 No, I was talking to myself. 205 00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:41,680 Why? I'm insane. 206 00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:47,580 Here, chief. 207 00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:49,700 What? 208 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:51,380 Can I have a drink? 209 00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:54,920 Are you sure you want one? 210 00:17:05,710 --> 00:17:06,710 the orange juice. 211 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:39,760 Perhaps you've got the tubes mixed up. 212 00:19:18,670 --> 00:19:20,230 She's working her way across the continent. 213 00:19:20,710 --> 00:19:21,950 Got friendly this morning. 214 00:19:22,970 --> 00:19:24,950 Not as friendly as you got this afternoon, I bet. 215 00:19:25,570 --> 00:19:27,950 You've been squashed together in there all through the flight. 216 00:19:28,770 --> 00:19:31,090 So she was the excess baggage they charged me for. 217 00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:32,850 Well, I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink. 218 00:19:33,190 --> 00:19:34,190 Had to do something. 219 00:19:35,310 --> 00:19:37,690 I was a bit dodgy during the loading and unloading. 220 00:19:38,190 --> 00:19:40,510 One point they turned us completely upside down. 221 00:19:40,710 --> 00:19:42,190 Thought I'd bitten off more than I could chew. 222 00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:02,640 I wonder if this is the sort of hotel you can leave your shoes out to get 223 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:11,180 I have certain information to impart to your highness. 224 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,980 Ah, well, then impart it. Impart it. I am all ears. 225 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:15,979 I know. 226 00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:18,560 What? I am telling you. I am told. 227 00:20:18,780 --> 00:20:20,220 Yes, I am told. 228 00:20:20,540 --> 00:20:22,940 I'm not telling you who told me, but I am told. 229 00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:26,780 What are you told? I'm telling you. You're not telling me. You keep telling 230 00:20:26,780 --> 00:20:27,519 you are told. 231 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:28,580 Are you not telling me? 232 00:20:30,090 --> 00:20:33,610 Please tell me what you are told without further to -do -ment, or I shall take 233 00:20:33,610 --> 00:20:35,830 my fist and punch you in the mouth, you little scoundrel. 234 00:20:36,370 --> 00:20:40,110 You are not playing your beats correctly. I'm not telling you at all. 235 00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:42,090 Now, please, you're getting camp now. 236 00:20:42,630 --> 00:20:46,050 I'm not getting camp. You're getting very camp of late, you are. I'm not 237 00:20:46,050 --> 00:20:50,850 camp. I'm telling you that I hear that those two English fools have arrived in 238 00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:51,729 the hotel. 239 00:20:51,730 --> 00:20:55,030 Ah, the detectives? Those are the very them of which I speak. 240 00:20:55,230 --> 00:20:56,230 Ah. 241 00:20:57,260 --> 00:21:00,180 to spy upon them as arranged by the almighty Mr. 242 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:04,760 Greensleeves. And the oriental snake in the ointment, Mr. 243 00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:05,980 Bob Job. 244 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:10,940 We must start at once. There's no time like the future. 245 00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:13,100 It's going to be a great, great sport. 246 00:21:13,460 --> 00:21:16,460 Oh, great sport. But you must not get too excited. I'm not getting excited. 247 00:21:16,460 --> 00:21:18,860 are getting very excited. I'm not getting excited. You are getting 248 00:21:18,980 --> 00:21:20,820 That's a suede shoe you're polishing there. 249 00:21:25,260 --> 00:21:29,360 And even as our two shabby heroes prepare to hit the town in search of the 250 00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:33,780 clumsy drug, there approaches one more player in this grim drama of love and 251 00:21:33,780 --> 00:21:38,880 death. As yet, she had never taken part in the latter, but what a performer in 252 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:39,880 the former. 253 00:21:42,620 --> 00:21:46,840 She is the fabulous Madame Cocotte, beautiful, sultry manageress of the 254 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,380 Metropole, a goddess. 255 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,760 who is destined to win the hearts of at least one of the English detectives, 256 00:21:51,780 --> 00:21:54,860 apart, of course, from being one in the eye for both of them. 257 00:21:57,020 --> 00:22:00,700 Having heard of the British's arrival, she was on the move, and when she was on 258 00:22:00,700 --> 00:22:02,920 the move, no one else could keep still for long either. 259 00:22:39,210 --> 00:22:40,750 My name is Madame Cocotte. 260 00:22:41,350 --> 00:22:42,350 Is it really? 261 00:22:42,490 --> 00:22:44,130 I am the manager of the hotel. 262 00:22:44,870 --> 00:22:46,830 It's a very responsible job for a young lady. 263 00:22:48,850 --> 00:22:50,370 What's it like being the manager here? 264 00:22:51,550 --> 00:22:52,550 I manage. 265 00:22:53,170 --> 00:22:54,170 Yes, I bet you do. 266 00:22:54,450 --> 00:22:55,450 I bid you welcome. 267 00:22:56,010 --> 00:22:59,950 And wonder if you both would care to join me after dinner for a little drink 268 00:22:59,950 --> 00:23:01,090 my private quarters, sir? 269 00:23:01,370 --> 00:23:02,530 Yes, sure we would. 270 00:23:02,910 --> 00:23:05,470 You wouldn't mind drinking in a private quarters, would you, Chief? 271 00:23:05,970 --> 00:23:07,810 No, no, that would be very nice, sir, Madame. 272 00:23:08,770 --> 00:23:10,470 Eloise. Eloise Cockhart. 273 00:23:10,830 --> 00:23:11,830 How is it? 274 00:23:13,950 --> 00:23:17,390 Yes, that would be very nice indeed, yes. Shall we say about eight? 275 00:23:18,110 --> 00:23:19,110 Shall we? 276 00:23:19,510 --> 00:23:20,510 About eight. 277 00:23:20,610 --> 00:23:21,690 But I can't look forward. 278 00:23:22,150 --> 00:23:23,450 Oh, dear. 279 00:23:24,410 --> 00:23:25,810 I'm so sorry to be so clumsy. 280 00:23:34,630 --> 00:23:37,250 Is this the first evidence of a clumsy drug? 281 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:38,920 here in this very hotel? 282 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:43,240 Will Charlie Farley go drinking in Madame Cocotte's quarters? 283 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,520 Has Piggy Malone been drinking them in already? 284 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:54,900 These and very few other questions will be answered in another thrilling episode 285 00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:58,660 next week, A Drug on the Market. 286 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:17,540 breaking into the hotel. 287 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,940 I thought he was staying there. 288 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,300 No, he only pretended he was. 289 00:24:22,620 --> 00:24:23,620 Shh! 290 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,800 What's he looking for? 291 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:28,120 That letter. 292 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,280 What letter? 293 00:24:29,540 --> 00:24:30,540 Shh! 294 00:24:30,660 --> 00:24:33,620 It wasn't a letter, it was a prescription. 295 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:35,280 Shh! 296 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,120 Where are we now? 297 00:24:39,660 --> 00:24:40,660 In his flat. 298 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:42,820 They've done that before. 299 00:24:43,420 --> 00:24:44,640 They're very passionate. 300 00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:47,920 No, they're not. It's a flashback. 301 00:24:48,140 --> 00:24:49,140 Shh! 302 00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,720 Who's this man, then? 303 00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:01,020 Her boyfriend? 304 00:25:01,300 --> 00:25:03,460 It's not a boyfriend. It's a brother. 305 00:25:03,780 --> 00:25:04,920 Will you be quiet? 306 00:25:07,620 --> 00:25:10,140 Excuse me. I'm explaining to this lady. 307 00:25:10,420 --> 00:25:11,540 She's a little confused. 308 00:25:12,750 --> 00:25:13,990 Will you please be quiet? 309 00:25:14,250 --> 00:25:17,550 Sorry. If you can't follow these films, you should stick to Walt Disney. 310 00:25:18,710 --> 00:25:19,710 I can follow. 311 00:25:19,950 --> 00:25:20,950 I can follow. 312 00:25:21,310 --> 00:25:23,290 I'm explaining to this lady and her husband. 313 00:25:23,510 --> 00:25:25,310 No, he's not my husband. He's my boyfriend. 314 00:25:25,830 --> 00:25:26,890 I'm sorry, your boyfriend. 315 00:25:27,290 --> 00:25:29,390 No, he's not her boyfriend. He's her brother. 316 00:25:29,610 --> 00:25:31,670 We are not talking about the film. 317 00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:34,490 We are not talking about the film. Don't talk. 318 00:25:35,430 --> 00:25:39,790 Excuse me, sir. I was explaining to this lady that I was explaining to this 319 00:25:39,790 --> 00:25:40,810 lady. Quiet. 320 00:25:41,430 --> 00:25:44,490 Look, sir. I'm sorry, I'm explaining to this gentleman and I'm explaining to 321 00:25:44,490 --> 00:25:50,670 this lady that I'm... What's he doing that for? 322 00:25:51,090 --> 00:25:52,170 He loves her. 323 00:25:52,710 --> 00:25:54,170 But he's her father. 324 00:25:54,710 --> 00:25:57,470 No, he only pretended he was. 325 00:25:58,070 --> 00:25:59,890 He is her father. 326 00:26:00,790 --> 00:26:03,470 That's the whole point of the film. 327 00:26:03,830 --> 00:26:05,990 He's not her father. It's symbolic. 328 00:26:07,010 --> 00:26:08,570 I think you're part of it. 329 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,540 He is her father. It was stated in the first scene. 330 00:26:14,780 --> 00:26:18,720 He calls himself her father because he's a priest, but he's unfrocked. 331 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,160 Well, if he wasn't, he certainly is now. 332 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:31,280 There you are. You see, it is the boyfriend. That's why he's running away. 333 00:26:31,620 --> 00:26:33,680 Oh, don't be silly. He's the priest. 334 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:37,080 Well, I agree with this lady. If he was just a boyfriend, this wouldn't be an 335 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:37,959 arty film. 336 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,400 Well, you're wrong, mate, because he is the boyfriend. 337 00:26:41,050 --> 00:26:44,650 And what is more, he is allegorical for peace and love. 338 00:26:45,070 --> 00:26:47,150 And I'll thump the first man who says he ain't. 339 00:26:49,690 --> 00:26:51,330 Right, who agrees with this oath? 340 00:26:52,450 --> 00:26:55,390 Hands up for the brother theory. One, two, three, four. Hands up for the 341 00:26:55,390 --> 00:26:58,590 theory. One, two, three, four. Could we have a casting vote, do you think? 342 00:27:00,970 --> 00:27:04,630 Now, what's... Oh, boy, stop this, stop this, please. Go in the circle if you 343 00:27:04,630 --> 00:27:05,630 want to do that. 344 00:27:06,890 --> 00:27:10,680 People are trying to watch this film. Will you all please be quiet? This lady 345 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:14,660 doesn't understand. We're trying to explain who the man in the Macintosh is. 346 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,200 Get your feet off the seat. 347 00:27:16,620 --> 00:27:21,820 The man in the Macintosh is the perfect man. He doesn't exist except in her 348 00:27:21,820 --> 00:27:22,820 mind. He is perfect. 349 00:27:23,020 --> 00:27:25,680 The man's real. It's her that does it. Of course the man isn't real. 350 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:28,680 Give 351 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:35,640 respect to 352 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:36,640 the Queen, please. 353 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,320 It's her brother -in -law. She hasn't got a brother -in -law. Of course she 354 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:56,320 got a brother -in -law. 355 00:27:59,180 --> 00:27:59,620 I'll 356 00:27:59,620 --> 00:28:06,700 tell 357 00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:11,860 you a joke about a chap who was driving along a road. 358 00:28:12,260 --> 00:28:15,600 Now, this is one of those stories for everyone, you know, there's excitement, 359 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:18,220 adventure, human relationships. 360 00:28:18,990 --> 00:28:22,870 It's a pity it's not very funny, but, I mean, you can't... Anyway, it is about a 361 00:28:22,870 --> 00:28:26,890 chap driving across the Yorkshire Moors in the middle of the night. 362 00:28:27,270 --> 00:28:30,810 Now, actually, he'd been trying to dodge the five o 'clock build -up at 363 00:28:30,810 --> 00:28:34,090 Hammersmith Flyover, and things got a bit out of hand. 364 00:28:35,290 --> 00:28:42,250 So there he is, completely lost, rain pouring down, not another human being in 365 00:28:42,250 --> 00:28:45,010 sight. A bit like a summer season at Herne Bay, really. 366 00:28:48,490 --> 00:28:51,890 And he thinks to himself, he thinks to himself, I'll never see Shepherd's Bush 367 00:28:51,890 --> 00:28:52,890 again. 368 00:28:53,170 --> 00:28:54,850 Now, that should have cheered him up a bit. 369 00:28:56,410 --> 00:29:01,710 And his mind keeps picturing his home and his white -haired old mother and his 370 00:29:01,710 --> 00:29:04,690 white -haired old wife and his white -haired children. 371 00:29:05,470 --> 00:29:07,070 They live next to the cement works. 372 00:29:08,430 --> 00:29:14,490 By the way, this is an original story, by the way, told to me by one of the 373 00:29:14,490 --> 00:29:17,650 chaps they send round to repair our new cooker. 374 00:29:18,140 --> 00:29:20,840 Because we have just bought a new gas cooker. 375 00:29:21,140 --> 00:29:22,820 One of the very, very latest. 376 00:29:23,660 --> 00:29:24,459 Enormous thing. 377 00:29:24,460 --> 00:29:29,020 From about here to, well, right over there, you know, where the producers 378 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:33,500 Well, it's their own fault for opening the bar at half past five. 379 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:39,860 But that is neither here nor there, you know. Silly expression, really, because 380 00:29:39,860 --> 00:29:42,780 if it's not here or there, where the hell is it? Anyway, 381 00:29:43,860 --> 00:29:45,380 this gas cooker... 382 00:29:45,710 --> 00:29:49,910 This gas cooker, it's one of those very latest models. You know, you simply put 383 00:29:49,910 --> 00:29:55,670 all the food in, hit all the dials, and two hours later, there you are, having a 384 00:29:55,670 --> 00:29:56,690 round the Chinese takeaway. 385 00:30:00,510 --> 00:30:05,470 It's so ridiculous, really. I mean, good heavens. When you think that all my 386 00:30:05,470 --> 00:30:10,090 mother had to cook on was half a rusty gas ring on an upturned bucket. 387 00:30:11,379 --> 00:30:14,880 And every night she cooked a meal for 28 of us. 388 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:19,640 There were really only three of us in the family, but she loved entertaining. 389 00:30:20,620 --> 00:30:24,500 But seriously, my wife doesn't believe me when I tell her that my mother had to 390 00:30:24,500 --> 00:30:29,560 get up at 2 o 'clock every morning to walk 80 miles and scrub Trafalgar 391 00:30:31,260 --> 00:30:32,800 And you're not too sure, are you? 392 00:30:34,460 --> 00:30:39,670 Poor, poor, good heavens, where we lived... Where we lived, you were 393 00:30:39,670 --> 00:30:41,290 a flashy dresser if you had a sock. 394 00:30:44,610 --> 00:30:50,430 And my old dad was too proud to beg on the streets, so he used to beg indoors. 395 00:30:52,010 --> 00:30:53,910 And then came the Depression. 396 00:30:54,790 --> 00:30:58,330 And there I go again, wandering off down memory lane. Isn't it funny how you 397 00:30:58,330 --> 00:30:59,370 only remember the good times? 398 00:31:02,350 --> 00:31:06,770 Anyway, to return to the joke which, as I was saying, was told to me by one of 399 00:31:06,770 --> 00:31:08,270 the gas company fellows, you know. 400 00:31:08,510 --> 00:31:11,350 Actually, it was the one they send round looking for gas leaks. 401 00:31:12,290 --> 00:31:14,550 The one with the surprised expression and a box of matches. 402 00:31:17,830 --> 00:31:21,510 So there he is. There is this motorist. There is this motorist, if you remember, 403 00:31:21,670 --> 00:31:25,510 who you may recall was lost on the moors in the middle of the night. 404 00:31:25,810 --> 00:31:29,570 And he's got a puncture, you see, and he discovers that he hasn't got a jack. 405 00:31:30,340 --> 00:31:34,580 Now he sees a light in the window of a farmhouse away in the distance, and he 406 00:31:34,580 --> 00:31:35,580 starts walking. 407 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:40,240 Walk, walk, trudge, trudge, in the pouring rain and the wind blowing. 408 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:43,440 And as he gets nearer to the house, you know, he says to himself, I know what's 409 00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:46,460 going to happen here. He said, this farmer's going to be very stroppy about 410 00:31:46,460 --> 00:31:49,020 being woken up at one o 'clock in the morning to lend me a wheeljack. 411 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,360 He's not going to thank me for disturbing his deep, warm sleep. 412 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:55,880 You know what these farmers can be like, you know, big, aggressive bullies. 413 00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:59,040 If you ask a little favour like borrowing a jacket at one o 'clock in 414 00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:01,040 morning, they'll talk about setting the dogs on you. 415 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:03,620 Walk, walk, trudge, trudge. 416 00:32:04,180 --> 00:32:05,180 Getting the atmosphere. 417 00:32:08,180 --> 00:32:13,600 It's like a television series from Yorkshire. He says he's probably got to 418 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:16,960 very late and he's got to get up early in the morning and be furious about 419 00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:20,880 disturbed. Walk, walk, trudge, trudge. I know what's going to happen. He said, 420 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:23,160 I'm knocking that door. And he'll open the window and he'll say, what do you 421 00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:25,820 want? And I'll say, please can you lend me a wheel jack? And he'll say, why 422 00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:29,140 don't you go and buy your own wheel jack? Wake me up like this. Come down 423 00:32:29,140 --> 00:32:30,140 and smash your face in. 424 00:32:30,860 --> 00:32:33,720 Well, by this time, he's at the door of the farmhouse. So he knocks twice. 425 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:37,340 And after a minute or two, the farmer sticks his head out of the window and 426 00:32:37,340 --> 00:32:38,059 says, yes. 427 00:32:38,060 --> 00:32:40,700 And the motorist looks up and said, and you know what you can do with your wheel 428 00:32:40,700 --> 00:32:41,700 jack? 429 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:08,840 to my blue heaven and down to the right a 430 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:15,800 little blue light will lead you to my blue heaven you 431 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:22,460 see a smiley face a little nest that's 432 00:34:22,460 --> 00:34:24,360 nestled where the roses bloom 433 00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:47,060 a little show entitled Bits and Pieces. 434 00:34:47,460 --> 00:34:52,179 The show is performed and directed by policemen and policewomen for policemen 435 00:34:52,179 --> 00:34:56,760 and policewomen all over the place. And believe me, it is all over the place. 436 00:34:57,300 --> 00:35:01,820 So, gentlemen, grab your walkie -talkies and ladies, hold on to your small 437 00:35:01,820 --> 00:35:03,400 change. As you say. 438 00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:04,680 As you say. 439 00:35:06,500 --> 00:35:08,060 Take it away, superintendent. 440 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:24,520 As you can see, ladies and gents, the old division is really determined to 441 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:28,860 a good time here tonight. The idea is to show you that we in La Force do have 442 00:35:28,860 --> 00:35:31,260 our lighter moments, and it's not all hard work. 443 00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:36,360 Indeed, we in Trent Division are proud of our social activities, notably our 444 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:40,540 large popular district sports, three of whom you can see at the moment. 445 00:35:41,580 --> 00:35:46,180 They are known locally as Faith, Hope and Chastity. 446 00:35:47,940 --> 00:35:49,800 Only she's called Chast for short. 447 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:52,020 because the rest is a bit of a mouthful. 448 00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:57,520 There are, of course, loads of opportunities for outdoor activities, 449 00:35:57,520 --> 00:36:01,960 the famous police pastime of Alsatian training. Get off, girls, you've had 450 00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:06,840 go. Right, we are on film, ladies and gentlemen. We'd like to show you that 451 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:08,700 remarkable police dog, Rover. 452 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:10,800 Here he is. 453 00:36:11,220 --> 00:36:15,520 This amazing animal is so intelligent, he now has a full -time job training 454 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:16,520 young policemen. 455 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:21,430 Here we see him putting a young... train recruit through his paces. 456 00:36:22,210 --> 00:36:26,530 That's it, 457 00:36:30,070 --> 00:36:31,070 through the barrel. 458 00:36:32,150 --> 00:36:33,150 Round the post. 459 00:36:35,850 --> 00:36:37,730 Oh dear, you've done it wrong. 460 00:36:41,810 --> 00:36:42,850 That's more like it. 461 00:36:44,690 --> 00:36:47,390 Well, there's not many policemen can do that. And now... 462 00:36:48,270 --> 00:36:49,370 It's a burglar demonstration. 463 00:36:49,670 --> 00:36:50,670 Here we go. 464 00:36:51,010 --> 00:36:52,050 Just watch this now. 465 00:36:54,730 --> 00:36:55,890 Here comes a North Korean. 466 00:37:36,230 --> 00:37:38,610 And now finally, the most dangerous trick of all. 467 00:37:46,450 --> 00:37:53,370 And of course now, thank you, 468 00:37:53,470 --> 00:37:56,870 and of course now, a little reward for a truly wonderful effort. 469 00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:35,460 And now, a complete change of mood, as we take you over to the bedroom of an 470 00:38:35,460 --> 00:38:39,880 ordinary house in an ordinary street, almost anywhere, for a little dramatic 471 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:43,900 interlude called simply, Duty Calls. Thank you. 472 00:39:32,910 --> 00:39:36,690 with all those trained Alsatians to brighten up our days. 473 00:39:37,070 --> 00:39:42,210 There be no social functions, there be no fun at all, for if there's no police, 474 00:39:42,390 --> 00:39:44,410 you couldn't hold a policeman's ball. 475 00:39:45,450 --> 00:39:51,110 If it wasn't for us coppers, drunken driving would be rife, and the poor old 476 00:39:51,110 --> 00:39:54,170 drunk pedestrian would be running for his life. 477 00:39:55,270 --> 00:40:01,210 So if some cold night one stops you in your Bentleys or your Jags, give the 478 00:40:01,210 --> 00:40:02,210 a bit of pleasure. 479 00:40:02,490 --> 00:40:04,290 and breathe into his bags. 480 00:40:05,610 --> 00:40:11,430 When a copper passes you with firm and measured tread, with his noble pointed 481 00:40:11,430 --> 00:40:17,590 helmet on his noble pointed head, whether touching the old man or sitting 482 00:40:17,590 --> 00:40:24,250 loo, just give a thought to us chaps and 483 00:40:24,250 --> 00:40:25,250 salute the boys. 484 00:40:48,490 --> 00:40:51,090 If you don't like to fleece, fleece yourself. 485 00:40:51,570 --> 00:40:54,470 If you don't like to fleece, fleece yourself. 486 00:40:55,550 --> 00:40:57,550 Oh, we are out here to see you. 487 00:40:57,930 --> 00:41:00,770 I fleece my mane, I fleece you. 488 00:41:00,990 --> 00:41:03,050 I fleece you all. I fleece you all. 489 00:41:03,570 --> 00:41:04,670 Whenever you can. 490 00:41:05,290 --> 00:41:11,990 Well, they're all chaps. And he'll never raise his truncheon to a lady in 491 00:41:11,990 --> 00:41:14,870 distress unless she asks him to fleece himself. 492 00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:16,380 Thank 493 00:41:16,380 --> 00:41:28,540 you. 494 00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:15,020 Well, that's all for this week. Here is some late news. 495 00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:20,640 We've just heard why Shepherds Bush Town Hall are flying the Royal Standard at 496 00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:23,260 half -mast. They're half -expecting the Queen. 497 00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:30,860 The annual London Health and Beauty Contest was won this evening by Miss 498 00:42:30,860 --> 00:42:34,600 Whopping. Second was Miss Not -Quite -So -Whopping. 499 00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,640 And third was Miss Absolutely Piffling. 500 00:42:41,770 --> 00:42:47,410 In a white paper today, Mr. Wilson revealed his plans for the small 501 00:42:47,570 --> 00:42:49,010 a lower counter. 502 00:42:50,990 --> 00:42:53,290 And there's dramatic news from the South Pacific. 503 00:42:53,530 --> 00:42:57,230 A ship has just picked up a party of people marooned on an island for six 504 00:42:57,470 --> 00:42:59,970 consisting of 17 young women and one young man. 505 00:43:01,530 --> 00:43:04,810 The women are reported to be in very good health. 506 00:43:09,870 --> 00:43:11,370 met with an unfortunate accident. 507 00:43:12,090 --> 00:43:15,210 He was blown over by a gust of wind and carried off by the ship's captain. 508 00:43:20,170 --> 00:43:26,690 8 ,000 cases of imported fruit were stolen from Liverpool docks today. A 509 00:43:26,690 --> 00:43:30,890 spokesman said it would have taken a gang of dock thieves at least four hours 510 00:43:30,890 --> 00:43:34,450 do this. A spokesman for the dock has said what happens in the tea break is 511 00:43:34,450 --> 00:43:35,450 of our concern. 512 00:43:38,180 --> 00:43:41,820 And at the do -it -yourself furniture competition at Olympia, the favourite 513 00:43:41,940 --> 00:43:44,860 of course, Miss Cynthia Bollinger, with her mahogany desk. 514 00:43:45,580 --> 00:43:49,140 We've now heard she was disqualified, however, at the last minute. Her legs 515 00:43:49,140 --> 00:43:52,100 too straight, and when the judge banged her bottom, her drawers fell off. 516 00:43:56,660 --> 00:43:59,680 But that's all we've got time for tonight, so it's goodnight from me. And 517 00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:00,680 goodnight from him. Goodnight. 518 00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:09,360 Thank you.