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Good evening. Good evening. It's very nice to be with you for the start of a

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brand new series, isn't it? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. And in a packed program

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tonight, Antonio, the famous Spanish dancer, will be showing us how to dance

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fandango with his fan in one hand and his dango in the other.

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And we'll be talking to a one -fingered pickpocket who only steals

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polo mints.

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But meanwhile, here is the news. The National Coal Board are pleased to

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that there was no absenteeism in British pits last month.

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All the absentees stayed at home.

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Mr Arnold Limpkin, the famous one -legged tap dancer, retired today.

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A special programme tonight features some of his greatest hits, like I Could

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Have Hopped All Night, Knee Up, Mother Brown,

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And 20 tiny fingers, 15 tiny toes.

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But here is a motoring flash.

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On the A30 this evening, a tanker load of bleach on its way to the West Country

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overturned on a notorious accident black spot, turning it immediately into a

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notorious accident white spot.

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And a vicar who rode his bicycle the wrong way up the M1 was asked how he

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managed to avoid an accident. He replied, God was with me, and was

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charged with riding two on a bike.

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Yes, and there was an accident today involving Britain's worst goalkeeper,

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Barclay, who has already let through 157 goals this season.

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Shouting out, I'm a complete failure, Barclay threw himself in front of a bus.

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Luckily, the bus passed under him and he wasn't hurt.

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Drive to improve the standards of service and hygiene. A West End hotel

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dismissed a waiter for having his thumb in the soup.

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They also dismissed a topless waitress for two similar offences.

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In the sketch that follows, the public and private life of Samuel Pepys, I play

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the public parts and Ronnie Corbett.

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Ronnie Corbett plays the piano.

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Morning. Morning.

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What can I do for you then?

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Is the watchmaker in?

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I'm the watchmaker.

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What do I look like then?

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Cedric, cut it down, would you?

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Call yourselves Frick out of here.

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Don't worry about that, sir.

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Very noisy business, stringing poles, you know.

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Charlie, what could I do you for, sir? Well, it's my watch. Oh, isn't that a

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dainty little piece, eh? Isn't it lovely? What's the matter with you, my

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boy, eh?

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Well,

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he needs adjusting.

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He's losing a bit. Oh, losing a bit, are you, you little monk?

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Right. Well, Susie, have you walked for it? No, no, wait a minute.

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It's not as important as that. You mustn't do that. Well, you said he was

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a bit. Well, only a couple of hours a day. Nothing to worry about. Oh, we

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have that, sir. No, no, I'll still knock him into shape. Let's have a bit of

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space here, will you?

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Wait a minute.

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Right.

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He's not very slim, is he, eh? Would you like it a bit slimmer? No, no, I like

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it fat like that. Oh, you like it fat. Oh, all right. Then please yourself.

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Now, how do we get the back off this? Oh, it's one of them, is it?

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You haven't got one of those things for getting the stones out of horses' boy

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scouts, have you?

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Look, I don't want to waste your valuable time. Valuable time?

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Time is my life's work, my dear sir.

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Ah.

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You know what's the matter with this toaster? What's that? Well, it don't go

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anymore.

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Well, at least I'll know it'll be correct. you know, twice a day. Ah, but

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about the rest of the days? I would have been right somewhere in the world,

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wouldn't it? Hong Kong, Rady Vostok. And I won't get that annoying ticking.

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No, I'm sorry. I can't let this little monkey out of my hands, otherwise

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all want to do it, see. You must show them who's the boss, that's the idea.

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Is it walk -proof?

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Oh, most of them are. Never mind.

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I'll get the beer out. I've just got to get the back off. Of course, they're

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like little Brazil nuts, you know, these little devils.

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And he's modern once, you know. Old Arthur, he ruptured himself on an omega

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other day.

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He's only winding it up at all.

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There's a bit of purchase on the little beggars. That's a trouble.

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You don't know anyone who wants any panels beaten out or horseshoes or

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like that. No, I don't know. The bottom's dropped out of that, you know.

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I'll fix it for you. Don't worry.

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A couple of rivets won't put right, sir. Here, I'll put the bits in the bag for

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you. There you are, so no extra charge.

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Well, listen, I shall have to buy a new watch now.

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Oh, all right, yes.

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Hey, Harper, where's Charlie?

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Ah,

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you wanted a new watch?

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Well, that gentleman, your friend, has just gone out, smashed my watch.

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Fourth thing, we're buying a new one. I mean, it's a confidence thing. Well,

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this is a nice one, sir.

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£20. Good Lord, is that the time?

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Yes. Well, I'm supposed to be down at the hospital.

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Oh, you know what you say, going down to the hospital?

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You see where you dropped me off?

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Eh? I'm a doctor now, only part -time, you know. What's the matter with you,

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then? Well, I've got headaches, pains in the head. The head? Oh, your head will

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have to come off, definitely.

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No,

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no, no, look at the words on the prompter there, all written up. Just

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out. I'll take that.

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I am a spokesman for the Ministry of... What's it?

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Communications.

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And we thought it would be a good idea if I came along this evening and told

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all what was... I mean, tried to explain the whole... Put you... Put you in

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it.

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The picture as to what the folk...

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think they're doing, know they're doing, and I should know what they're doing,

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because I am one of them.

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One of them.

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I should know what I'm doing, but I don't.

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Want you to think that we, at the, where is it, the

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ministry, are sitting down on our fat chance we get to sit down.

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are constantly on each other's toes as secretaries.

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Secretaries are buzzing around, making tea and men's meat, and each girl giving

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her utmost to whoever needs it.

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And when I say her utmost, I mean most of her utmost.

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Not that I want you to think that we have anything.

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to hide. The Ministry of Communicles?

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Communicles?

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Communicles?

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Communications? It cannot be compared with, I mean, it's nothing like a water

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closet. As the Ministry itself said, we don't want any bugs in this Ministry.

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I'm the only big bug around here.

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Yes, I think that's what he said.

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And, of course, he's absolutely parched.

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Oh, perfectly right.

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I say, it's damn stifling in here. Does anyone mind if I open a bottle?

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Oh, thank you very much.

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Because it does get damn hot in here, you know.

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Oh, that's it.

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been said many times, and indeed, who am I?

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I repeat, who am I?

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Who am I?

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A mere moss -broth to argue.

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He said at the last Common Market Assembly, and here I quote,

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Trousers to cleaners.

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Liquid paraffin boots.

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And what a sorry picture that presents of the country today.

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We stand here figuratively speaking at the crossroads of men of this women, men

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of this women, men of the women of this country having been taken to the

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cleaners, trousers, slipping and sliding our boots filled with liquid paraffin

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on the downward path that leads to the upward spiral of inflation.

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knowing that we must move in ever -decreasing circles, finally

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our only chance of standing tall and sleeping off, sweated up, back -to -back

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noses to the wall, best foot forward, knees together and legs astride.

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We must all push in the same direction.

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I will be the first to join in the fun, bearing in mind that I include women in

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this because women are, in a sense, lumped together.

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At least the ones I know are.

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Finally, in confusion, I would like to say unequivocal.

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I would like to say unequivocal.

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I would like, but I can't.

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But what I can say is this, peace.

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Peace, that's what we all want. And we cannot get this alone.

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We must combine with the best of the rest of Europe.

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And that is why I am meeting the French minister for communications directly

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after this broadcast.

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In his own words, we go out and get peace together.

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Marseille, city of intrigue, smuggling centre for the drugs traffic of the

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Western world.

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Crime lurks behind every corner, filth and degradation in every gutter. And

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worst of all, the town, like most places abroad, is crawling with foreigners.

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Venice, memorial to the lost glories of the Renaissance, and the only town in

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Europe to have found a way of keeping prostitution off the streets.

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But our story begins many miles from teeming, steaming Marseille.

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Not on the banks of the Grand Canal in Venice, but on the banks of the Grand

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Union Canal in Watford.

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Piggy Malone, overweight private detective, and his undernourished

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Charlie Farley, failed undergraduate and former hitman for the Brownies.

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And Charlie was about to teach his boss the gentle art of fishing.

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This, Chief.

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This. It's called a float.

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Guess why?

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Because it sinks?

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It does.

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I shall have to take that one back.

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It's supposed to float, you see.

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No point in calling it a float if it sinks.

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Floats that sink, that's a contradiction in terms, isn't it?

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I mean, sinks don't float, do they?

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Terrible what people throw in the canals these days, isn't it?

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That float hasn't come up, has it?

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You've had that. Oh, got plenty more of these.

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We've come here to enjoy ourselves, haven't we?

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Now, I tell you what.

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You get the lunchboxes out.

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I shall be over there adjusting my tackle.

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I'd like to spread it all out in the grass.

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Bread's a bit stale.

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Can you only meet with it? That's the bait, Chief.

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Are the worms all right?

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They're okay.

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Oh, dear.

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Now, here's your rod, Chief.

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Are you? Um, I think I'd better watch you first, because I've never watched

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anyone fishing, you know.

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Now, there's a lot of nonsense talked about fishing, Chief.

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Nothing complicated to it at all.

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Three. Golden rules.

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Three things you've got to do.

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My grandad told me that when I was that high.

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When was that, last week?

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Be fair.

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Now, look, never mind all that. He said, never mind all that crap, he said.

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There are three things you must remember to do.

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Make sure the bait is on the hook.

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Make sure the line is on the rod.

206
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Throw it into the water.

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Right? Three things, Chief. Right.

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See that the bait is on the hook.

209
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Bait on the hook.

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See that the line is attached to the rod?

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Correct.

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And the last thing?

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Throw it in the water. Got it.

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Now go on.

215
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No, not the rod in the water.

216
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The, uh... Oh, let's go and have lunch and we'll think the whole thing through.

217
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Yeah.

218
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,100
Rest the rods in these.

219
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Don't even have to hold them.

220
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Safe as houses. Just sit back and enjoy the solitude.

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At least we can forget all the worries of all those criminal cases.

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Both of those criminal cases.

223
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Allowing your dog to foul the footway is hardly a criminal offence, is it? Not

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in the ordinary course of events.

225
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Granted. But this is hardly the ordinary course of events.

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Not when a High Court judge steps in.

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Not on its own doorstep, was it?

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Most of it was, yes.

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Yes, you have a case that fascinates me most.

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What, the Breacher Promise case? Yeah.

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Have you seen her?

232
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No, that would be criminal. Why? If he had to marry her.

233
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I've got a bite.

234
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Are you the two famous British

235
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detectives on holiday?

236
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What are you doing down there, my good man?

237
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He's a frog banshee.

238
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I know that. I can tell by his accent.

239
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I still don't know what he's doing down there.

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Top secret.

241
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Read this.

242
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Who are you?

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00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:18,970
Undercover man.

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00:18:19,210 --> 00:18:20,770
More like an underwater man.

245
00:18:21,590 --> 00:18:23,230
No stupid jokes.

246
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:25,070
If you please.

247
00:18:28,699 --> 00:18:32,380
Meanwhile, further up the bank, two figures watch the scene with interest.

248
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,200
Peculiar.

249
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:35,740
Frogman, over there.

250
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,860
Talking to two idiots on the bank.

251
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:40,680
They're up to no good. I'll be bound.

252
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,340
Now, now, sir, don't get involved. We're on holiday, remember?

253
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,460
Frogman probably feel the need for conversation the same as anyone else.

254
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,280
Fishy.

255
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:51,760
Oh, dear.

256
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,580
I don't think this holiday's doing you any good at all.

257
00:18:55,980 --> 00:18:59,860
I can tell you no more now, except that it is a case of international

258
00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:00,860
importance.

259
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:04,320
It is imperative that you meet the head of MI6 at once.

260
00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:07,200
The fate of nations is at stake.

261
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,280
Hoping this finds you as it leaves me in the pink.

262
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,160
Yours ever, British Intelligence.

263
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,200
What do you say, Charlie?

264
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:17,620
Do we take the case?

265
00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:21,700
International importance?

266
00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:24,360
We can hardly refuse, can we?

267
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:28,760
I don't know. I mean, I've got that roast chicken in the oven.

268
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:30,900
Roast chicken?

269
00:19:32,180 --> 00:19:35,200
You can't think about roast chicken at a time like this.

270
00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:38,220
The fate of nations at stake.

271
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,980
I've done roast potatoes around it and everything.

272
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:44,920
Oh, God, have you?

273
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,500
Could we report a bit later on?

274
00:19:50,980 --> 00:19:52,700
It must be at once.

275
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:55,440
You're on.

276
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:56,560
Where do we go?

277
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:58,220
Follow me!

278
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:12,560
Well,

279
00:20:13,020 --> 00:20:14,380
I knew they threw the little ones back.

280
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,300
I didn't think they threw the fat ones as well.

281
00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:27,320
What is the murky secret of the canal?

282
00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:30,100
Is the MI6 running Watford?

283
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,900
What will happen to Charlie's roast chicken?

284
00:20:33,220 --> 00:20:34,760
Don't miss next week.

285
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:37,400
Passage to Marseille.

286
00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:01,420
Thank you.

287
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,060
Thank you.

288
00:21:28,570 --> 00:21:34,650
Maestro played the music upside down. Then upon one knee he tells them all

289
00:21:34,650 --> 00:21:37,690
he believes there's no one like his dear old ma.

290
00:21:38,290 --> 00:21:44,510
Why did I ever roam from my Kentucky home and leave behind that dear old

291
00:21:44,510 --> 00:21:45,510
don't know.

292
00:21:45,810 --> 00:21:51,250
Another hit, a smash, they're on their feet and a -plodding with another

293
00:21:51,250 --> 00:21:52,250
show.

294
00:21:53,510 --> 00:21:58,900
Back in the dressing room, flowers and French perfume, everyone said, Pink,

295
00:21:58,900 --> 00:21:59,900
champagne.

296
00:22:00,020 --> 00:22:06,720
Now they're calling the casting call to celebrate the success of the show.

297
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:13,880
Overflowing from limousines, lovely ladies from fashion magazines.

298
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:21,400
All the folk at the Grand Hotel congratulate him on doing so well.

299
00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:26,760
From the coast to the coast, he is the one they love most, the entertainer.

300
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:39,820
He can hear on call coming from the gloom. There's no one there he can drink

301
00:22:39,820 --> 00:22:46,440
with. No one to reminisce or think with. From an old suitcase

302
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:52,900
takes a photograph of a young girl's face in a checkered scarf. My baby, your

303
00:22:52,900 --> 00:22:54,820
daddy loves you.

304
00:22:55,100 --> 00:22:57,540
It won't be long before I'm home.

305
00:22:59,230 --> 00:23:04,650
Lonely breakfast on the train with old Flandreau, yet another town to win.

306
00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:12,050
While he's at the town, no need to stop and worry. When the show's a flop, well

307
00:23:12,050 --> 00:23:17,130
then it's time to hurry. Get with every draw, from Snark or Francis Curry, from

308
00:23:17,130 --> 00:23:22,030
the stinking ship. In the meantime, sell our show tonight.

309
00:23:22,250 --> 00:23:25,630
Behind the stage they're saying, do I look alright?

310
00:23:40,270 --> 00:23:47,150
To the swing of the ragtime rage The entertainer comes on to the

311
00:23:47,150 --> 00:23:53,590
stage In the spotlight he looks a case With a comic expression

312
00:23:53,590 --> 00:23:54,970
on his face

313
00:23:55,790 --> 00:23:58,490
Then a wink and a little pause.

314
00:23:58,910 --> 00:24:01,630
He's taming love to accept the applause.

315
00:24:02,570 --> 00:24:07,550
They all want him to know they love the star of the show. The entertainer is

316
00:24:07,550 --> 00:24:08,910
ready to go.

317
00:24:09,570 --> 00:24:14,690
They all want him to know they love the star of the show. The entertainer is

318
00:24:14,690 --> 00:24:15,690
ready to go.

319
00:24:34,050 --> 00:24:36,730
Hello, Nigel. Long time no see.

320
00:24:38,290 --> 00:24:39,290
Hello.

321
00:24:41,350 --> 00:24:44,270
How are you? Oh, I'm fine. Can't complain.

322
00:24:44,550 --> 00:24:45,890
Keep him busy, you know.

323
00:24:46,750 --> 00:24:48,290
Like your hair's shorter.

324
00:24:48,830 --> 00:24:50,510
Must have been a weight, too, haven't you?

325
00:24:50,710 --> 00:24:52,550
No, I didn't. Oh, you have, you know.

326
00:24:52,890 --> 00:24:55,210
You used to have a real little tummy down there, didn't you?

327
00:24:56,510 --> 00:24:57,510
Well,

328
00:24:58,130 --> 00:24:59,089
I'd best get on.

329
00:24:59,090 --> 00:25:00,550
No peace for a working girl.

330
00:25:00,770 --> 00:25:02,870
Really nice to see you, Nigel.

331
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,200
Well, get off at nine. Ring me.

332
00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,940
Well, what the hell was all that about?

333
00:25:10,940 --> 00:25:12,220
Look, don't you start.

334
00:25:12,860 --> 00:25:14,860
I'm going to have enough trouble explaining you to her.

335
00:25:34,030 --> 00:25:37,650
I am trying to find the theological college. I am to deliver a speech there

336
00:25:37,650 --> 00:25:39,190
evening, but I feel that I am lost.

337
00:25:39,530 --> 00:25:44,190
Oh, you want to go straight past the Albion fish and chip shop, right at the

338
00:25:44,190 --> 00:25:49,890
Choo Chin Chow takeaway, straight on past the kebab house, and then left at

339
00:25:49,890 --> 00:25:52,290
New Bengal restaurant. You can't miss it.

340
00:25:52,490 --> 00:25:53,490
Oh, thank you very much.

341
00:25:53,710 --> 00:25:57,170
No, no, no, sir. There's a much better way than that. You go straight past the

342
00:25:57,170 --> 00:26:01,070
police station, bear left at the vandalized phone box, straight through

343
00:26:01,070 --> 00:26:04,750
traffic lights, up the street where it says no entry, Park on the zigzag lines

344
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:07,910
near the zebra crossing. It's right opposite. Can't miss it. Oh, thank you.

345
00:26:08,130 --> 00:26:13,470
I think I know a far better way, Vicar. You know, you go straight up the high

346
00:26:13,470 --> 00:26:18,250
street, past the Green Man and White Bear, right at the Cricketers, left at

347
00:26:18,250 --> 00:26:22,770
Burnside Hotel, past the Marks of Granby and on to the Elephant. What happens

348
00:26:22,770 --> 00:26:24,850
when I get to the Elephant? You take the trunk road.

349
00:26:26,430 --> 00:26:30,250
Then you go as far as the Bull and turn left. Right.

350
00:26:30,450 --> 00:26:31,439
No, left.

351
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,380
Then you go on past the coaching horses and left again at what's yours?

352
00:26:34,660 --> 00:26:35,660
What's yours?

353
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,300
Awfully kind of. I'm going to have a wee rally.

354
00:26:40,140 --> 00:26:45,040
No, left, dear, left. And right at the Royal Oak. No, no, no. You want to go

355
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:50,680
left at the strip club, right at the knicker factory, then left again at

356
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:51,680
Sandy's.

357
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,640
I do think I would know where Randy Sandy's is. Oh, you can't miss it. She's

358
00:26:55,640 --> 00:27:00,620
a big notice in the window. Sandy, 38, 26, 38, optician.

359
00:27:01,179 --> 00:27:03,020
Swedish glasses of speciality.

360
00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:05,500
Sandy's an optician, is she?

361
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:06,700
Optician, my eye.

362
00:27:08,740 --> 00:27:13,660
No, no, he wants to go... I think he wants to go right past the fountain inn.

363
00:27:13,820 --> 00:27:17,300
No, no, no, no. You'll want to take the shortcut past Frilly Lily's.

364
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:21,220
Well, where's Frilly Lily? Oh, you can't miss it. It's the house with the big

365
00:27:21,220 --> 00:27:22,620
overhanging gables, you know.

366
00:27:23,380 --> 00:27:28,920
I've got a big notice outside saying, Lily, 382638, chiropodist.

367
00:27:29,260 --> 00:27:31,420
Swedish pedicure is a speciality.

368
00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:34,480
Is she a chiropodist? Chiropodist, my foot.

369
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:42,160
I still say it's going to be quicker and far better for him to go left at the

370
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:42,939
have another.

371
00:27:42,940 --> 00:27:43,839
Have another?

372
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:45,860
Off the kind of you. I'm going to have a wee brandy.

373
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:47,660
Right. No, no, left.

374
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,440
Go left at the dirty bookshop.

375
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:53,760
Or right at the dirty duck. Right. That's right. No, left. Left. That's

376
00:27:53,860 --> 00:27:54,900
Right. No, left.

377
00:27:55,300 --> 00:27:56,300
Right, then left.

378
00:27:56,380 --> 00:27:58,000
Right, then left. Right, then left, left.

379
00:27:58,280 --> 00:27:59,300
Wrong. Right, left, right.

380
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,720
Right. Left. Wrong.

381
00:28:00,980 --> 00:28:01,980
Right.

382
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,320
Perhaps we'd better start again.

383
00:28:04,540 --> 00:28:07,840
Listen, you want to go straight past the seven stars, the six bells, the five

384
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,420
swans, the four feathers, the three jolly farmers, the two cricketers, the

385
00:28:11,420 --> 00:28:15,300
partridge in the pear tree. Then you go left at one for the road.

386
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,500
One for the road? Awfully kind of you. I'm going to have a wee.

387
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,440
Right. No left.

388
00:28:20,730 --> 00:28:24,670
He had the axe and compasses. No, no, no. He's right at the axe and compasses

389
00:28:24,670 --> 00:28:28,870
and left at Baggy Aggie's. He doesn't know where Baggy Aggie's is. It's easy.

390
00:28:29,190 --> 00:28:30,350
So is Baggy Aggie.

391
00:28:31,490 --> 00:28:35,350
He's got a notice in the window. You can't miss it. It says, Baggy Aggie, 38,

392
00:28:35,570 --> 00:28:40,830
26, 38, qualified nurse, Swedish injections of speciality.

393
00:28:41,850 --> 00:28:44,490
Does she do injections? Injections my backside.

394
00:28:47,050 --> 00:28:48,890
I'm afraid I'm finding this all rather confusing.

395
00:28:49,130 --> 00:28:51,530
Look, it's awfully simple, really it is.

396
00:28:51,890 --> 00:28:54,590
It's right at the axe and two large ones.

397
00:28:54,790 --> 00:28:56,690
Two large ones? Oh, that's very kind of you.

398
00:28:58,050 --> 00:29:01,380
Now, it's not the two large ones. No, it's right at the injection and

399
00:29:01,380 --> 00:29:04,000
That's what you want. No, no, it's left at the injection and compasses and right

400
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:06,660
at the nurse and crowd. Oh, well, of course, if you're going to go that way,

401
00:29:06,660 --> 00:29:10,880
go left at the coach and chiropodist. Right at the five baggy opticians. Left

402
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:14,200
the four frilly backsides. Right at the three randy thandies. Left at the two

403
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:17,480
dirty girdies. Right at the left luggage opposite the stoning faggot. Yeah, left

404
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:20,540
at the right luggage opposite Stoney Joanie, who's a right faggot. And right

405
00:29:20,540 --> 00:29:23,580
the left luggage opposite Busty Dusty, who's a stoning faggot. Yeah, you can't

406
00:29:23,580 --> 00:29:24,179
miss it.

407
00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:26,420
Yes, well, thank you for your efforts. I'll do my best.

408
00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:35,740
You know... He'll never find that in a month of Sunday

409
00:29:35,740 --> 00:29:39,260
school. Yes, as well. We shan't have to listen to him at the meeting, shall we?

410
00:29:39,340 --> 00:29:42,380
They say he's a rotten speaker. I don't know how we're going to get there. I've

411
00:29:42,380 --> 00:29:45,200
only been once before in my life. Do you know how we're going to get there? Left

412
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,700
and St. Peter's, I think. No, it's right to St. Peter's, left to St. Andrew's.

413
00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:49,500
No, no, it's left to St. Andrew's, right to...

414
00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:55,920
I

415
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:58,520
must... I must tell you... a very, very funny joke.

416
00:29:58,740 --> 00:30:02,500
Now, it's about two men who go to heaven.

417
00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:06,220
Now, they go to heaven because they're both a bit, um,

418
00:30:07,100 --> 00:30:09,240
um, D -E -A -D.

419
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:16,640
Now, I said D -E -A -D because there might be somebody watching who's a

420
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:18,560
bit sensitive about people saying dead.

421
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:19,800
Sorry.

422
00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:21,060
I said it.

423
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:25,480
Like this morning. Now, I was... I was having a row with my wife, and she said

424
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,760
to me, Don't keep saying bloody in front of the K .I .D. yet.

425
00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:35,920
Now, I've got to be a bit careful what I say, because she is in the audience

426
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:36,920
here tonight.

427
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:41,480
If I'm not mistaken, second row up, third in on the left.

428
00:30:42,660 --> 00:30:44,200
I am mistaken. It's Arthur Mullard.

429
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,440
I'm mustering the bottle factory and see if my new glasses are ready yet.

430
00:30:51,020 --> 00:30:56,760
But seriously, this is rather a special evening because it is exactly ten years

431
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,280
ago tonight when she said, I do.

432
00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,480
Which certainly surprised me because I didn't think she did.

433
00:31:06,260 --> 00:31:11,600
And to be honest, anything I say about my wife is said in fun.

434
00:31:11,820 --> 00:31:14,720
I mean, yesterday, I heard a comedian...

435
00:31:15,620 --> 00:31:16,800
Or was it Des O 'Connor?

436
00:31:19,980 --> 00:31:25,320
He said, he said, my wife is so thin that when she's under the shower, she

437
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:26,340
to walk about to get wet.

438
00:31:28,060 --> 00:31:33,920
Now, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't, because it would hurt her feelings.

439
00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:36,280
Because she is unusually thin.

440
00:31:37,220 --> 00:31:40,380
As a matter of fact, when I first picked her up in the snooker hall, I thought

441
00:31:40,380 --> 00:31:41,380
she was a cube.

442
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,060
She was wearing a brown dress and a little blue hat.

443
00:31:48,340 --> 00:31:51,460
And before I knew it, I'd chalked her and got a break of 46.

444
00:31:53,460 --> 00:31:57,040
No, no, no, sorry. Now I'm exaggerating it.

445
00:31:57,740 --> 00:32:04,240
I got a red and a green and a... But whatever I say about her, she is a

446
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:05,240
wonderful mother.

447
00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:07,340
She knows both the children by name.

448
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:11,540
She takes them to school in the morning.

449
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,600
and waits there all day to bring them home at night.

450
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,640
Which doesn't leave much time for the housework.

451
00:32:19,620 --> 00:32:24,320
As a matter of fact, the house is so dirty, sometimes you have to wipe your

452
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:25,320
to go out in the street.

453
00:32:27,780 --> 00:32:31,440
And the cooking is down to the minimum.

454
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:36,340
We are actually the only family in Croydon with a season ticket for the

455
00:32:36,340 --> 00:32:37,340
chip shop.

456
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:41,120
But I would not swap her.

457
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:43,520
I would not swap her for anything in the world.

458
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:48,260
Unless there happens to be someone looking in who is desperately lonely and

459
00:32:48,260 --> 00:32:50,940
got a gearbox for a B registration Vauxhall vehicle.

460
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:58,320
Anyway, back to the joke while I can still remember it.

461
00:32:58,620 --> 00:33:02,780
The two fellas up there, you know, doing the old wings and nightshirt bit.

462
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,140
One says to the other, he said, hello there, he said, where are you from?

463
00:33:07,710 --> 00:33:10,750
The other one says, I'm from Scranton, New Jersey, USA.

464
00:33:11,570 --> 00:33:15,930
The other one says, that is peculiar because, by the way, I mentioned

465
00:33:15,950 --> 00:33:20,170
New Jersey, because my wife's family come from there. You know, I thought I'd

466
00:33:20,170 --> 00:33:21,170
give them a little mention.

467
00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:22,750
You know,

468
00:33:23,330 --> 00:33:27,990
it helps, doesn't it? As a matter of fact, they were one of the real old

469
00:33:27,990 --> 00:33:28,990
families.

470
00:33:29,430 --> 00:33:33,690
And as another matter of fact, her great -grandfather was actually killed at

471
00:33:33,690 --> 00:33:34,730
Custer's Last Stand.

472
00:33:35,950 --> 00:33:39,650
He didn't actually take part in the fighting, you know. He was camping

473
00:33:39,650 --> 00:33:40,810
and he went over to complain.

474
00:33:43,630 --> 00:33:45,970
And he went over to complain about the noise.

475
00:33:52,450 --> 00:33:57,490
He was apparently a great character when he was alive, you know.

476
00:33:58,170 --> 00:33:59,750
When he was dead, he got a bit ordinary.

477
00:34:01,870 --> 00:34:03,870
Now, he would have been a fighting man.

478
00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:07,900
But he didn't fancy the cavalry, and he failed his medical for the Indians.

479
00:34:11,380 --> 00:34:14,860
Actually, to be honest, the family don't talk about him a lot, you know.

480
00:34:15,380 --> 00:34:21,020
I get the impression that out there where men are men, old Buffalo Cyril was

481
00:34:21,020 --> 00:34:22,020
bit of a novelty.

482
00:34:27,500 --> 00:34:30,860
So the other chap says, back to the story, up in heaven.

483
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,600
The wings and nightshade. But this other chap, if you can remember. He said,

484
00:34:34,639 --> 00:34:38,440
that is funny. He said, because I am from Scranton, New Jersey myself, he

485
00:34:38,699 --> 00:34:40,280
And I only got here yesterday.

486
00:34:40,659 --> 00:34:44,159
And the first fellow said, so did I. I only arrived here, he said, peculiarly

487
00:34:44,159 --> 00:34:45,159
enough, yesterday afternoon.

488
00:34:45,580 --> 00:34:47,780
The other chap said, what happened to you? He said, well, I tell what

489
00:34:47,820 --> 00:34:53,320
He said, I suspected that my wife was having an affair with this guy at 824th

490
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:55,179
Street, North Scranton, New Jersey.

491
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,060
So I went up to his apartment.

492
00:34:57,710 --> 00:35:01,030
There she was, but I couldn't find him anywhere, he said, so I started to wreck

493
00:35:01,030 --> 00:35:02,030
the place in my temper.

494
00:35:02,190 --> 00:35:06,130
He said, first I got hold of the freezer and I lifted it bodily and threw it out

495
00:35:06,130 --> 00:35:08,570
of the window into the street four floors below.

496
00:35:09,010 --> 00:35:12,230
Too much for the old ticker, I suppose, he said, so here I am.

497
00:35:12,850 --> 00:35:14,890
He said to the other chap, he said, how did you get here?

498
00:35:15,490 --> 00:35:22,390
The other fellow said, well, he said, I was... I was in this freezer,

499
00:35:22,470 --> 00:35:23,470
he said.

500
00:35:49,130 --> 00:35:55,850
There's been a revolution in Abdication Street where dear old Ina Sharples and

501
00:35:55,850 --> 00:36:01,390
Minnie Caldwell meet. The show is really lively. It's going with a bang.

502
00:36:01,670 --> 00:36:06,190
For now they sit and gossip to the tunes George Farmy sang.

503
00:36:12,270 --> 00:36:14,350
We've been leaning on the table.

504
00:36:19,150 --> 00:36:21,530
Swapping lines, supping beers.

505
00:36:21,950 --> 00:36:24,710
We sat so long, we both got cauliflower ears.

506
00:36:25,290 --> 00:36:29,530
I hate this lot, and that's the truth. That Jerry Booth is so uncouth.

507
00:36:29,530 --> 00:36:30,970
only one I can stand.

508
00:36:31,450 --> 00:36:34,150
Stood at bar, looking grand.

509
00:36:34,530 --> 00:36:37,230
With his little ukulele in his hand.

510
00:36:38,070 --> 00:36:40,450
Oh, I do miss that young Elsie Tanner.

511
00:36:40,830 --> 00:36:43,390
Ran off with that family planner.

512
00:36:44,150 --> 00:36:46,790
He had such a nice bedside nanner.

513
00:36:47,390 --> 00:36:50,330
Well, his planning went astray. She's in the family way.

514
00:36:50,650 --> 00:36:53,910
We carry on. That Rita's gone. Another one?

515
00:36:54,110 --> 00:36:55,830
What's she doing now? Me, oh, my.

516
00:36:56,790 --> 00:37:01,190
She's leaning on the lamppost at the corner of the street, rattling keys at

517
00:37:01,190 --> 00:37:02,330
the he's that's passing by.

518
00:37:35,820 --> 00:37:39,760
There goes that Hilda Ogden. Oh, where's her husband, Stan?

519
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:42,420
Wait until you hear about that.

520
00:37:42,670 --> 00:37:43,710
Fat, disgusting man.

521
00:37:44,030 --> 00:37:45,910
He's got a wenchant neighbourhood.

522
00:37:46,370 --> 00:37:50,590
He what she like? A worthless dud with a shape like a fallen Yorkshire pud and a

523
00:37:50,590 --> 00:37:55,270
face like Tommy Trinders. He takes his bike out for a ride, goes round to her

524
00:37:55,270 --> 00:37:58,430
all starry -eyed. He knocks three times and goes inside.

525
00:37:58,650 --> 00:37:59,970
And he's not cleaning windows.

526
00:38:00,390 --> 00:38:04,170
Can't reach the window cleaner, fancy Zilda, so I hear.

527
00:38:04,430 --> 00:38:06,090
He's got a mini Cooper.

528
00:38:06,410 --> 00:38:08,370
Well, nobody's perfect, dear.

529
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:14,200
He found out something wrong. She took her turban off by gum. She's as bald as

530
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,680
baby. Well... Now he's back in the windage.

531
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:20,560
Oh, look, there's Albert Tatlock. He's dressed up to beat the band.

532
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:22,460
He's kissing Annie Walker.

533
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:27,640
What's he holding in her hand? It's his little sticker, Black Bull Rock.

534
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:30,620
He gave it to her. Who?

535
00:38:31,100 --> 00:38:32,100
Tatlock.

536
00:38:32,900 --> 00:38:34,940
Is he new barman?

537
00:38:35,220 --> 00:38:36,540
Aye, mucky old pup.

538
00:38:37,050 --> 00:38:40,630
He kissed her on the cellar, stepped and worked his way up.

539
00:38:41,050 --> 00:38:47,330
It's perfectly clear he's not here for the beer, cos last night till two o

540
00:38:47,330 --> 00:38:53,930
'clock they both sat there canoodling, drinking pints of milk stout. I'm quite

541
00:38:53,930 --> 00:38:59,490
surprised at all, but he looks old and worn out. The only thing he's got in

542
00:38:59,490 --> 00:39:04,050
worth bragging about is his little stick of black bull rock.

543
00:39:08,780 --> 00:39:10,100
What's this I view?

544
00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:14,040
Oh, kindly put away your dirty laundry, dear.

545
00:39:15,140 --> 00:39:19,320
It's then Fairclough's flannel late night shirt.

546
00:39:19,580 --> 00:39:23,340
He stayed with me Tuesday night. What next?

547
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,200
Oh, he did have fun when nightlight were dim.

548
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:31,180
I bet he felt old age creeping upon him.

549
00:39:31,420 --> 00:39:33,180
And we whacked back the gin.

550
00:39:33,420 --> 00:39:35,180
Local vicar came in.

551
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:38,540
I said, have a drink. He answered just this word.

552
00:39:39,180 --> 00:39:44,160
When we last saw Reverend Fleet, he was rolling down the street dressed in

553
00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:45,160
Lenzo.

554
00:39:46,540 --> 00:39:48,880
Lordy, lordy. In Lenzo.

555
00:40:15,790 --> 00:40:16,930
What can we do?

556
00:40:17,750 --> 00:40:20,690
We've been stuck in this bar since 1962.

557
00:40:21,710 --> 00:40:25,870
I sip with Ena and suck right with Ena.

558
00:40:26,330 --> 00:40:29,070
I've sucked so much my tongue is turning blue.

559
00:40:29,970 --> 00:40:31,190
Where's Annie's lad?

560
00:40:31,890 --> 00:40:36,630
He's taken Betlin to do the flickers. I hope she's got her handbag because

561
00:40:36,630 --> 00:40:38,250
she'll need it for her ticket.

562
00:40:39,930 --> 00:40:41,090
It's plain to see.

563
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:45,220
We're doomed to do or die for bloody ITV.

564
00:40:46,180 --> 00:40:51,420
There may come a day when we'll both get away from Granada.

565
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:58,600
And we'll both turn up in Crossroads just you seeing.

566
00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,240
Turn it out nice again.

567
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:45,640
Next week, a famous millionaire reveals how it feels to have piles of gold.

568
00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:53,760
Wealthy but uncomfortable.

569
00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:59,600
And now news from the court. In the Central Divorce Court today, a Lady

570
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:02,920
Voyant was granted a divorce on the grounds of her husband's adultery next

571
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:03,920
weekend in Brighton.

572
00:42:07,030 --> 00:42:08,230
Here's the late news.

573
00:42:08,470 --> 00:42:12,930
Mr. Healy gave some interesting figures on education today. In the greater

574
00:42:12,930 --> 00:42:17,910
London area, one half of the population can't read, one half can't write, and

575
00:42:17,910 --> 00:42:19,290
the other three quarters can't hide out.

576
00:42:23,950 --> 00:42:28,670
A West Drayton man who kept himself awake by snoring every night for 17

577
00:42:28,670 --> 00:42:31,750
has at last found the answer. He's going to sleep in another room.

578
00:42:33,990 --> 00:42:35,150
And finally...

579
00:42:35,820 --> 00:42:36,820
Finally, sport.

580
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:43,540
At the nudist pentathlon at Crystal Palace this afternoon was won by

581
00:42:43,540 --> 00:42:44,540
Orville Stark.

582
00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:49,280
He was fourth in the 100 metres, third in the long jump, second in the low

583
00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:54,960
hurdles, had an accident in the high hurdles, and was first in the yodelling.

584
00:43:04,740 --> 00:43:07,860
So it's good night from me, and it's good night from him. Good night.