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Good evening. It's very nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.

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Very nice indeed.

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And in a packed programme tonight, we'll hear from a Florida fruit farmer who

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crossed a grapefruit with an aphrodisiac and got a gropefruit.

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We'll also have a chemist who crossed a budgie with a laxative and got a chirrup

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of figs.

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But first, the news.

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This evening, a female streaker...

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disturbed patrons at the Albert Hall, but she was caught by the bouncers and

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ejected.

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And there's news of a plumber who earlier today swallowed an immersion

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and a ball cock.

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He's now said to be comfortable, apart from occasional hot flushes.

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A mother of three today filed a paternity suit against a cricketer.

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Asked on what grounds, she replied, Trent Bridge, the Oval, and behind the

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screen at Battersea Park.

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News has just come in about what MPs ate for their Christmas dinners. Harold

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Wilson had the usual turkey, whilst Mr Heath bought a new one.

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The Farmer of the Year is Mr Clarence Larkin of Stroud.

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He won the title on three counts.

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Initiative. He drove a steamroller over his fields, hoping to achieve instant

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mashed potato.

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Imagination. He has developed a revolutionary new insecticide for the

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of Agriculture. It kills all the crops and the insects starve to death.

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And C, consideration.

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He put a silencer on his shotgun because his daughter wanted a quiet wedding.

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But we've just heard that Raquel Welsh has recovered from her nasty accident in

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a revolving door.

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Raquel Welsh is now appearing in The Odd Couple.

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Sport. In an exclusive interview last night, Britain's best -known show

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husband, Captain Philip Dugdale...

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told our reporter that his first year of marriage had been almost perfect. His

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bride, Anthea Scott -Jones, had only six faults, he said, and two of those were

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refusals.

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Next year, he was hoping for a clear round.

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A hen belonging to the Maris of Bingley in Buckinghamshire, which was given

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cement instead of oatmeal, laid three concrete eggs and conked out.

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Paris, however, who also ate a considerable quantity of the cement,

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effects and later went on to lay a foundation stone.

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In the sketch that follows, I'll be playing a man whose wife has left him

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the dustman.

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And I shall be playing the dustman who refused to take him.

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begin the test. Can you read the licence number plate of that vehicle parked 25

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yards down the road, please?

45
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Well, uh, perhaps I can, perhaps I can't, know what I mean?

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Follow my reasoning, John?

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No, I'm afraid I'll be easy.

48
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Ooh,

49
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look at that. Fancy that.

50
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Well, it's a £10 note. You just threw it down there.

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Never. Yes, you did. I saw you.

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Fancy you spotting that, John.

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Boy, I told you you are lucky. Course, tone of crows, I'll do envy you.

54
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Handsome and lucky. Well, finders keepers, losers weepers, I suppose,

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what, are we up the West End knocking out your little windfall, eh?

56
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I'm not going anywhere.

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I'm just about to test your proficiency as a driver.

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Furthermore, this does not belong to me, thank you very much.

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Now then, is this the car? Yeah.

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Would you occupy the driver's seat, please?

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I mean, John, temporary.

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Now, just a minute, please.

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I expect you'll be wanting to have a butcher's, John, at my provisional

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licence. There we are, John.

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We, uh... What is this?

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20 quid!

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Well, I never... That's fantastic, John.

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Of course, we are seeing some lucky fellas in my time, John. But you are

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definitely the golden boy, John.

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Well, I expect you want to tick the office pass, don't you, now? Get up the

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End, have a few beers with the mates and all that. Just sit still, will you,

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please, and shut up.

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All right, John.

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Only I thought I heard you say a pass. No, no.

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My name is not John.

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My name is not John.

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My name is Mr.

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Mountford. I'm a qualified driving examiner, and I'm about to test your

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proficiency as a driver. Is that clear?

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Double clear, John.

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No more ridiculous attempts to bribe me, if you please.

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A nod with me, John, is as good as a wink to a blind horse, John. And less

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familiarity.

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Time and a place for everything, John.

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Right. Let us start with a clean sheet, then.

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John, you have in turn been fair with me, and I in turn intend to be fair with

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you, John Boyce. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Now then, the

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code. What would you say was the permitted speed allowed in a built -up

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30?

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Excellent. In ones, all right, down the sky, the way you...

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Let us talk speed limits, since you're obviously bent on it.

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Bent's the word, John.

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What would you say, for instance, is the speed permitted in a motorway?

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Oh, John, that is a dead -bleed liberty. You are not copying 70 sheets out of

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me, John.

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Would you say 60, then, was permitted in a built -up area? Oh, no, 40. 40, John.

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Top whack, 40. I mean, you know, am I going to get the green light? Are you

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going to let me filter through? I would say you were on the skids, if you were

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to ask me. What would your braking distance be, then, in feet?

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45, not one foot more.

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Wouldn't it be more like 55?

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On a muddy road, mud sticks, you know. You put me in a very sticky position.

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right, 50, top whack, 50. 50, down, down. Right, in crinklies. You're off,

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you're off. Right, here we are. Car, car.

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Yeah, certainly. Peel five pens off the top for Mr. Manford, will you? Never

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mind, Mr. Manford. Call me John now. Come on, check your indicator.

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Switch on.

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Clutch up slowly. Put the gas in. Jack, indicate right. Look in your mirror.

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Good

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evening.

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Here is the news.

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Excuse me.

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Yes? Yes.

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Oh, right.

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I see. Thank you. Yes.

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Sorry about that.

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It appears that we've had a slight problem with the news. Our new

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typewriter has developed a minor fault.

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It's been typing O's instead of E's.

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I hope you'll bear with us.

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Good evening.

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Horro is the now's a ton.

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At the Primo Minister's country house -o, Charles,

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there was a mooting of all true party loaders

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to discuss this country's optionally serioso economic scono.

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The confronco was followed by an appetising mole of roast booth,

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and jolly and chrome.

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Afterwards,

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Afterwards, the dollar gatos heard a spooch by the ex -foreign secretary, Sir

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Alok Douglas Homo.

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In the short address, Mr. Mr.

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Onok Pole said Sir Alok had his coon support.

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to unboil a memorial to Sovereign Great English Mon of Lottes and Poots,

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including Anthony Trollopeau, H .G. Walls, and Hilaro Bollock.

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It says.

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It says that. It says that.

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In cow gardens today, a lady was frightened by a Scotsman with a wooden

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who jumped out from behind some trues.

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He told the polico he was stung on the news by a swarm of boos after the bolt

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had broken on his trousers.

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After his arrost, Ho stated Ho was turning over a no -loaf and undergoing a

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change of socks.

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In Worcester today, Mr. Wodgewood Bond spoke of his plan.

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to nationalise the stool industry.

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And Mr Donis Holey discussed his plans for a further tax on bots and botting

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shops.

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He said, it's no good boating about the bush, I must lay it on the lino.

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It will cost the punter only a couple of ponds.

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And now the wother.

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Tomorrow's wother will be what?

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Oh.

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Will be what? Will be what? With a touch of sloot.

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Well, that's all from Moe.

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Tomorrow, the nose will be robbed and rued by Roggy Bosonquat.

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Now, I'm going to croup away to my little bod.

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And said the lot of you. Good night.

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Piggy Malone, the fat, little -known detective.

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And Charlie Farley, his little, little -known assistant.

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once again found themselves involved in a strange world of intrigue and secrecy.

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Whilst quietly fishing in the canal at Watford, they are approached by a

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frogman and told to report immediately to MI6.

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And like the courageous, patriotic, foolhardy idiots that they are, they

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Have you found that file yet, Miss Willow? No, I haven't. When you've got a

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minute, I wouldn't mind you going through these drawers.

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I don't know where to look.

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Neither do I.

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It says here in my stars that I'm going to meet a short, dark stranger and a

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fat, grey stranger.

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That's a bit specific.

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Sounds like those men we located at Watford, sir. Does it indeed?

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I think you'd better get our chaps investigating this Stargate. The bloke

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getting a bit too accurate.

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I don't want my private doings flashed across the newspapers.

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Certainly not before I've done them.

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Oh, hello, Elsie.

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Yes. Are they?

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Right -o, Elsie. Send them in, yes.

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Bye, Elsie.

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That was Major Cartwright, sir.

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Mr. Malone and Mr. Farley have got out of their wet clothes and are ready to

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you, sir. Oh, good.

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They have got into some other clothes, have they? Oh, yes. We lent them some

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uniforms. They're quite decent.

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Oh, well, that's fine. We don't want someone coming here and corrupting you

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first week here, do we?

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Oh, no.

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Not before I've had a go, anyway.

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Four inches from the curb, no yellow lines, not across anyone's entrance. You

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jumped up, little Hitler's come barging in here.

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Mr Malone and Mr Farley see you, sir. What?

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I'm so sorry, of course.

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The clothes.

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How do you do?

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How do you do? How do you do? Do park yourself somewhere, won't you?

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Would you mind very much...

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Telling us what all this is about. Certainly, but first, what can I offer

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drink?

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I'll have a martini, please.

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Shaken or stirred?

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Both, please.

201
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Ginger beer shandy, please. A half pint? Yes.

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Oh,

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no, a pint I do, thanks.

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Would you see to that, Miss Willard?

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I'll just have some tea.

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Pint? Just a half pint.

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Straight to the point.

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Drugs.

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Drugs and world domination. Now, I'm not talking about your ordinary dope

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pushers. This is a special drug developed, we think, in Marseille.

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At any rate, we're certain that the headquarters of the drug smuggling ring

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centered in that area.

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Excuse me, um, are you M?

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Hmm? M?

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You know, the head of MI6, M.

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Ah, no, no. M is retired. No, it's M now. But he's on holiday. And O, he's

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second in command.

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He's on compassionate leave.

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His mother's got a bit of back trouble.

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I see. So you must be... I'm P.

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Yes.

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Well, tell me now, this special drug, P, what's before?

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Ah, now, this is the whole crux.

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Excuse the word.

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Of the man.

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A certain organisation is endeavouring to undermine authority all over the

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by administering to important people a certain drug which has the effect of

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making them clumsy. Clumsy? Did you say clumsy? Clumsy.

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Clumsy. Oh, you mean they appear foolish and so lose respect in the eyes of the

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public? Exactly. And you can see it happening. You only have to watch

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television.

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I noticed it first, some time ago, in the case of Tommy Cooper.

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Now, Tommy Cooper used to be a wonderfully smooth performer, but just

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he's been getting decidedly clumsy.

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I've noticed that.

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Getting everything wrong, I've noticed that. Oh, come on, he was the first man

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to knock down Muhammad Ali, wasn't he?

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Henry Cooper?

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Anyway, there's certainly no doubt that this thumbs -in is spreading.

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I'd like you to watch this film. It's been compiled by our Colonel Millichoke

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the research department.

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Nice this is, you know. All the usual attributes of walnut stock.

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See the silver trigger guard.

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00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:47,850
And the beautiful silver... Well, of course, you can't see.

245
00:16:50,290 --> 00:16:52,370
Great night. Ten o 'clock. Goodbye now.

246
00:17:46,860 --> 00:17:47,860
I see what you mean.

247
00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:49,660
Stupid, isn't it, eh?

248
00:17:49,740 --> 00:17:50,740
Stupid.

249
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:52,380
We've got to stop it.

250
00:17:52,740 --> 00:17:57,380
Not half. I mean, think what would happen if something like Opportunity

251
00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:58,339
the dignity.

252
00:17:58,340 --> 00:18:01,220
I mean, just imagine people sniggering at Huey Green.

253
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,660
It could happen, I suppose.

254
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,500
But what would you do if she beats the royal family?

255
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:06,679
Oh, yeah.

256
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,460
The Queen's speech at Christmas would be a fiasco, wouldn't it, eh?

257
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,080
One long laugh from start to finish.

258
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:15,880
So, gentlemen, our aim.

259
00:18:16,910 --> 00:18:21,690
to locate the spice ring in Marseilles and render them inoperative.

260
00:18:22,050 --> 00:18:23,090
Wipe them out, you mean?

261
00:18:23,350 --> 00:18:27,470
Oh, we don't do a lot of violent work. Not Mr Malone and myself. I mean, we're

262
00:18:27,470 --> 00:18:32,190
mainly really more civil cases, really. Like divorce and breach of promise.

263
00:18:32,390 --> 00:18:35,970
Yeah. A lot of ladder work, you know. Peering into people's windows, that sort

264
00:18:35,970 --> 00:18:36,829
of thing.

265
00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:38,130
We're more sneaks, really.

266
00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:41,810
That's exactly why you've been chosen.

267
00:18:42,010 --> 00:18:45,570
Now, we've got a heavy mob that'll come up and clear up after you.

268
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,240
All you have to do is to get the formula. The formula?

269
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,140
So that our chemists can research an antidote.

270
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:54,900
That's the important thing. We've got to get that formula. Now, what do you say,

271
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:55,960
Chet?

272
00:18:57,540 --> 00:18:58,540
Supposing we say no?

273
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,080
What if we refuse?

274
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,299
I'll have you shot.

275
00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:02,640
Okay, by me, then. Yes.

276
00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:11,040
And so our two heroes take the first step on the road to murder and mayhem.

277
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,820
But already they are marked men.

278
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:18,460
In some ill -lit corner of a cafe in Marseilles, two of the underworld's arch

279
00:19:18,460 --> 00:19:22,840
-villains are even now completing the first stage of their plan to conquer the

280
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:28,720
world. And the evil tentacles of their organization are already reaching out to

281
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:33,240
Whitehall. Ah, all is proceeding according to plan.

282
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:35,940
Well done, odd knob.

283
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,280
Grails must have green trails.

284
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:45,830
How? How awful have I to tell you all that my name is not Odd Knob.

285
00:19:47,430 --> 00:19:49,410
I'm called Bob Job.

286
00:19:49,770 --> 00:19:56,630
This name was given to me by my rate -remembered master before he

287
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:59,830
rushed his wife in a London nightclub.

288
00:20:00,550 --> 00:20:02,190
Please call me Bob Job.

289
00:20:02,390 --> 00:20:03,930
Nothing but Bob Job.

290
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:08,570
And if you don't like it, then you must bloody well romp it.

291
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:13,050
Later, bring me some Turkish coffee.

292
00:20:13,770 --> 00:20:19,630
Do you realise, Bob Job, that in London now, it's just about time for afternoon

293
00:20:19,630 --> 00:20:20,630
tea?

294
00:20:25,510 --> 00:20:26,510
Well,

295
00:20:27,090 --> 00:20:29,490
here we are. Do help yourselves.

296
00:20:29,930 --> 00:20:33,330
Thank you, Miss Willow. You've saved our lives.

297
00:20:33,590 --> 00:20:37,370
Just thinking to myself, if I don't get that cup of tea soon, I shall die.

298
00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:57,690
He's dead.

299
00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:59,290
Poisoned. Oh, my God.

300
00:20:59,770 --> 00:21:01,170
I'd better get the next in line.

301
00:21:02,630 --> 00:21:05,090
What a terrible thing to happen. It's a terrible thing to happen to anybody,

302
00:21:05,250 --> 00:21:06,250
isn't it?

303
00:21:06,350 --> 00:21:07,350
You sure he's dead?

304
00:21:09,030 --> 00:21:10,030
He's dead, all right.

305
00:21:11,630 --> 00:21:13,410
Will it be all right if I have the other sandwich, then?

306
00:21:15,530 --> 00:21:17,070
Well, I don't want it yet, all right.

307
00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:20,060
Did he say she'd gone out to get the next in line? Yeah.

308
00:21:20,260 --> 00:21:22,300
That must be, uh... Q.

309
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:23,960
Q.

310
00:21:27,940 --> 00:21:28,940
Are you Q?

311
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:30,900
Yes. Are you?

312
00:21:34,180 --> 00:21:40,100
And so, as Charlie comforts a weeping Miss Willow, questions seethe round in

313
00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:41,460
Piggy Malone's thick skull.

314
00:21:42,180 --> 00:21:44,360
Who holds the secret of the clumsy drug?

315
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:47,950
Is this man really Q, or is he just playing at it?

316
00:21:49,030 --> 00:21:51,230
Who got the tea and poisoned pee?

317
00:21:52,530 --> 00:21:53,890
Don't miss next week.

318
00:21:54,930 --> 00:21:56,050
Into the web.

319
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:27,180
Like a snowball down a mountain, like a carousel turning

320
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:33,880
around, like a clock who stands for sweet, and the

321
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:39,140
world is like an apple burning silently in space.

322
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,860
Thank you.

323
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:07,920
Thank

324
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:16,280
you.

325
00:23:29,629 --> 00:23:30,629
Thank you.

326
00:24:08,830 --> 00:24:12,130
Never ending or beginning

327
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,260
Dr. Atkinson speaking, yes.

328
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,440
What? Oh, all right. All right.

329
00:24:56,020 --> 00:24:57,020
I'll come at once.

330
00:24:57,300 --> 00:24:59,640
Oh, not another one.

331
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:01,680
Don't go, John.

332
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,340
I've got to go, haven't I?

333
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:04,600
I'm on call.

334
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,160
It's all part of a doctor's life, I suppose.

335
00:25:07,620 --> 00:25:08,620
Now, listen.

336
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:12,240
You carry on taking those tablets every four hours. I'll come and see you later.

337
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:25,900
Good evening.

338
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:35,700
My name is Professor... And tonight we have a

339
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:38,420
Swedish lesson for you, but with a difference.

340
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,020
It is in Norwegian.

341
00:25:41,940 --> 00:25:45,900
Now, I expect some of you are wondering why I am dressed as a waiter.

342
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,780
It is because tonight our lesson is entitled In the Restaurant.

343
00:25:51,580 --> 00:25:54,400
Or as we say in Sweden, in the restaurant.

344
00:25:55,420 --> 00:26:00,800
But before we go over to the scene, let me explain that as we act out our little

345
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:05,840
drama for you, there will be on the screen subtitles, which, as you know,

346
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:10,780
used in Swedish films and which are necessary to explain to the English

347
00:26:10,780 --> 00:26:13,660
what is going on in the bedroom scenes.

348
00:26:15,010 --> 00:26:21,410
But to make it easier, we spell it out for you. We use only one letter for each

349
00:26:21,410 --> 00:26:26,730
word. Now, this also helps with the pronunciation. Instead of putting thus,

350
00:26:26,950 --> 00:26:31,510
hello, we put thus, L -O.

351
00:26:32,930 --> 00:26:39,850
You see? And similarly, here we have here, P -T. You see? P

352
00:26:39,850 --> 00:26:40,850
-T.

353
00:26:41,170 --> 00:26:42,570
And here...

354
00:26:43,100 --> 00:26:45,180
We have sea tea.

355
00:26:46,100 --> 00:26:47,440
Sea tea.

356
00:26:53,980 --> 00:27:00,860
And here

357
00:27:00,860 --> 00:27:02,860
we have another picture for you.

358
00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:07,540
Now come with me and we will begin the lesson.

359
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:29,960
I've sold my new house.

360
00:29:30,580 --> 00:29:37,500
Well, I haven't actually sold it. I mean, there is a little legal hold -up,

361
00:29:37,500 --> 00:29:41,380
you know. A chap came along and had a look and said he wants to buy it, and

362
00:29:41,380 --> 00:29:42,640
family are trying to get him certified.

363
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:51,300
I know the house is settled with a little bit of a tilt, hardly noticeable,

364
00:29:51,300 --> 00:29:54,660
they came at an awkward time when the kids were playing sliding down the

365
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:03,080
I honestly think they're getting a bargain, you know, because the house is

366
00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:07,040
near the shops and actually getting nearer all the time.

367
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:16,120
Now, at the present rate, in about 25 years, it should be passing

368
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:18,260
the chemists and well on its way to fine fare.

369
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:23,780
And there is actually a great community spirit, you know, about the area.

370
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:29,560
I mean, we've been to about eight parties. in the last six weeks.

371
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,060
My God, we've got some Tupperware.

372
00:30:34,860 --> 00:30:41,020
Then there's the... Then there's the local ex -serviceman's dramatic society.

373
00:30:41,540 --> 00:30:43,180
They've been doing Lorna Doon.

374
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:48,800
And the case comes up on Thursday.

375
00:30:51,060 --> 00:30:56,480
We shall, however, when we move, we shall miss the village pub, the jolly

376
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:57,480
stockbrokers.

377
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:02,280
It's such an interesting place, you know, real old original plastic beams

378
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:09,280
genuine Elizabethan jukebox and lovely big open hearth with its picture

379
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:10,280
of a log fire.

380
00:31:10,940 --> 00:31:16,180
And up above the bar, there's a glass containing a stuffed farmer.

381
00:31:17,220 --> 00:31:23,440
Now, it's whispered, it's whispered that upstairs in this pub is the actual room

382
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:26,480
where Michael Parkinson hid from Muhammad Ali.

383
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:37,480
Or was it Muhammad Ali who hid from Michael Parkinson? And then there's

384
00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:42,640
Host, the landlord, always ready with a jolly anecdote about his war service in

385
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:43,640
the SS.

386
00:31:45,060 --> 00:31:47,460
And his wife, Flora Dora.

387
00:31:48,350 --> 00:31:53,150
who may seem a bit of a grasper, but it is rumoured that once a year she quietly

388
00:31:53,150 --> 00:31:56,350
selects a customer who's a bit down on his luck and gives him the right change.

389
00:31:59,550 --> 00:32:05,350
I recall an old tramp came into the bar once and he said, I haven't eaten for a

390
00:32:05,350 --> 00:32:07,430
whole week. And she said, well, you must force yourself, dear.

391
00:32:09,870 --> 00:32:16,190
The pub is actually right opposite the cemetery.

392
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,400
So they rely an awful lot on the late -night funeral trade.

393
00:32:21,020 --> 00:32:27,200
And the local vicar, he gets in there quite a lot, you know, sort of

394
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:28,540
with his flock, you know.

395
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:34,320
Although I sometimes think he carries the integration a bit too far, you know.

396
00:32:35,260 --> 00:32:39,600
Last night, just about closing time, he was giving us all absolution and he fell

397
00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:40,600
off the counter.

398
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,680
Then he got a bit hysterical and excommunicated the landlord's dog.

399
00:32:51,140 --> 00:32:55,280
Then he spake unto me, and he said, he said, I don't know why you're laughing,

400
00:32:55,380 --> 00:32:57,120
he said, you still haven't paid for your grandmother's funeral.

401
00:32:58,460 --> 00:33:01,840
And he said, if we don't get the cash tomorrow, up she comes.

402
00:33:05,700 --> 00:33:10,120
Now, that, that, that upset me a bit.

403
00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:15,260
I must be honest, because it did remind me of the moment, you know, reminded me

404
00:33:15,260 --> 00:33:19,700
for a moment, rather than of the moment, reminded me for a moment of my old

405
00:33:19,700 --> 00:33:21,160
Uncle Angus.

406
00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:23,060
My old Uncle Angus.

407
00:33:25,140 --> 00:33:26,300
Reminded me of her as well.

408
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:31,790
It reminded me of my old Uncle Angus. You may remember... I don't know if you

409
00:33:31,790 --> 00:33:34,290
remember, he met his death when he was drowned in a vat of whiskey in a

410
00:33:34,290 --> 00:33:35,290
distillery.

411
00:33:35,530 --> 00:33:36,590
Very, very quick end.

412
00:33:37,570 --> 00:33:39,790
Mind you, it would have been quicker if he hadn't got out twice to go to the

413
00:33:39,790 --> 00:33:40,790
loo.

414
00:33:43,490 --> 00:33:50,330
Now, when they had him cremated and his ashes, now his ashes, when they had him

415
00:33:50,330 --> 00:33:55,250
cremated, were placed in an urn and kept on the mantelpiece in the golf club.

416
00:33:55,850 --> 00:33:58,110
Now, some members, not knowing any better...

417
00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:00,240
were using the urn as an ashtray.

418
00:34:01,860 --> 00:34:06,460
And the secretary picked it up one day and he said, bloody marvellous, he said,

419
00:34:06,460 --> 00:34:08,900
he's been dead for three years and I do believe he's putting on weight.

420
00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:19,360
Fortunately, it reminds me of the story I was going to tell you in the first

421
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:23,320
place. It's about this chap who phones up the police very late one night, you

422
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:26,900
know, he says, he phones up and he goes, he says, hello, is there...

423
00:34:27,130 --> 00:34:28,870
Is that the police station, he said.

424
00:34:30,130 --> 00:34:34,610
He said, well, I thought I ought to tell you, he said, I've had a little bit of

425
00:34:34,610 --> 00:34:39,610
a mishap, he said. He said, I've been driving along the wrong side of the

426
00:34:39,610 --> 00:34:44,110
motorway, and he said, I've done a very, very naughty little thing.

427
00:34:45,610 --> 00:34:49,830
He said, I've never done such a naughty little thing. He said, I've knocked over

428
00:34:49,830 --> 00:34:52,989
a lot of your little bollards, he said.

429
00:34:54,830 --> 00:34:57,690
And he said, I've demolished a row of fairy lights.

430
00:35:01,830 --> 00:35:05,030
He said, I've been awfully naughty, really. He said, and I've written off a

431
00:35:05,030 --> 00:35:06,030
workman's hut.

432
00:35:07,650 --> 00:35:09,290
Smashed it, he said, all over the road.

433
00:35:10,270 --> 00:35:13,210
And the policeman at the other end said, where exactly are you, sir?

434
00:35:13,750 --> 00:35:16,470
The fellow at the other end says, wouldn't you like to know?

435
00:35:24,010 --> 00:35:27,690
Now performing Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite, our special guest tonight,

436
00:35:27,910 --> 00:35:30,170
members of the Imperial Ballet School.

437
00:36:33,940 --> 00:36:37,320
Oh, hurry up, Jess, where have you been?

438
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:40,940
You should have been here at 6 .15.

439
00:36:41,340 --> 00:36:45,440
I've been to Leonard's for a rinse. Next week I'm with the student prince. I

440
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:46,820
hope you'll both be happy.

441
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,360
Oh, shut up, you silly queen.

442
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,480
Here's Batman and Robin, arms in time.

443
00:36:56,140 --> 00:36:59,060
Her bosom is throbbing, ain't love blind?

444
00:36:59,420 --> 00:37:03,980
He's old enough to be her mum, but she adores his sugarplum. He's got a room in

445
00:37:03,980 --> 00:37:05,840
Euston and she's got a flat behind.

446
00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:16,900
Where'd you get to last

447
00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:18,020
night, Beverly?

448
00:37:18,340 --> 00:37:22,840
Me and Dave had a rave in a rather low...

449
00:37:23,190 --> 00:37:28,590
Little wine bar drinking, heavily sitting on a little post.

450
00:37:28,810 --> 00:37:30,090
Anyone I know.

451
00:37:34,810 --> 00:37:38,630
Look at her, Jess, don't she look a mess.

452
00:37:38,890 --> 00:37:42,010
Tatted dress, no finesse, shaking it about.

453
00:37:43,210 --> 00:37:46,750
Shoes by Dulcis, when she waltzes.

454
00:37:47,010 --> 00:37:50,110
Watch her falses, fall out.

455
00:38:05,210 --> 00:38:08,130
He's a bloody fruit and nut cake.

456
00:38:08,890 --> 00:38:15,610
I just can't abide him. Oh, he's really vile. Yes, he'd just ignore him. Though

457
00:38:15,610 --> 00:38:21,350
the birds adore him, most of him is padded. Yes, it's sticking out a mile.

458
00:38:23,930 --> 00:38:24,930
Oh, God.

459
00:38:27,170 --> 00:38:30,070
Don't you shush me, Gladys Wainwright.

460
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:34,540
She's been on the Guinness, you can always tell.

461
00:38:35,020 --> 00:38:39,020
Look at Casanova, feeling glad all over.

462
00:38:39,380 --> 00:38:41,160
He's on his points, look.

463
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:43,720
And hers as well. Get out, you dirty...

464
00:39:00,300 --> 00:39:02,400
that I flush with rage.

465
00:39:02,940 --> 00:39:06,340
Well, Geoffrey, you're at a funny age.

466
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:11,140
Last week, I danced with Moody Peg, the bird who's got a wooden leg. I did six

467
00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:13,820
pirouettes with her and screwed her to the stage.

468
00:39:17,820 --> 00:39:21,280
With Cynthia Fairfax, I got stuck.

469
00:39:21,980 --> 00:39:27,660
She's got a physique like Donald Duck. Oh, she's so bandy -legged, dear, that

470
00:39:27,660 --> 00:39:31,750
when we took her home... I'll ask you. We hung her up above the door to bring

471
00:39:31,750 --> 00:39:32,750
bleeding luck.

472
00:39:35,710 --> 00:39:36,710
Excuse me, dear.

473
00:39:53,440 --> 00:40:00,340
Oh, my feet are chronic, covered in blisters. Oh, for gin and tonic, round

474
00:40:00,340 --> 00:40:07,240
your sisters. Oh, I'll get completely Oliver Twist as soon as I've hung up

475
00:40:07,240 --> 00:40:12,000
me truss. Oh, these here nights just bore me to the skies.

476
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:15,820
These here tides bring water to me eyes.

477
00:40:18,700 --> 00:40:25,200
find new positions. They say Lionel Blair started holding auditions for

478
00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:27,120
at Leon C.

479
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:32,400
And if he can't fill us, it's back to the tillers and not to the number.

480
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:34,420
God's sweet.

481
00:41:13,540 --> 00:41:18,240
Well, that's all for this week. Next week, I'll be reviewing a book that has

482
00:41:18,240 --> 00:41:23,200
just become a bestseller in Scotland, entitled Indoor Games for Flag Days.

483
00:41:27,060 --> 00:41:31,060
Then we shall have some hints on course fishing, followed by lewd hockey,

484
00:41:31,180 --> 00:41:32,560
suggestive cricket and obscene golf.

485
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:39,660
But here's the late news. We have just heard that two pandas at London Zoo have

486
00:41:39,660 --> 00:41:40,660
begun to mate.

487
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,220
The winner meets Bobby Fischer in the final.

488
00:41:45,060 --> 00:41:49,600
The courts. In the Central Divorce Court today, a traffic light manufacturer was

489
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:52,860
granted a divorce on the grounds that his wife only ever wore three night

490
00:41:52,860 --> 00:41:55,660
dresses. A red one, which meant stop, you can't go.

491
00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:59,300
A green one, which meant you may go unless there are any pedestrians about.

492
00:42:00,060 --> 00:42:04,060
And an amber one, which meant you may only go if you've started or you're so

493
00:42:04,060 --> 00:42:06,420
close to the line that the stop suddenly might cause an accident.

494
00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:16,900
Encouraging news on the industrial front.

495
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:22,320
A 63 -year -old Liverpool docker claimed that he had never had a day's illness

496
00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:25,160
in his life. He always managed to make it last a week.

497
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:32,140
And Sir Hartley Horsfall, the eminent plastic surgeon, is being sued by one of

498
00:42:32,140 --> 00:42:35,200
his lady clients because of shoddy workmanship and high prices.

499
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:39,200
She stated, I realise what a bad job he had done on me when someone took me on

500
00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:42,040
one side and said, a word in your nose, you're paying through the ear for

501
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:43,040
everything.

502
00:42:45,900 --> 00:42:48,980
Well, that's all we have time for tonight, so it's goodnight from me. And

503
00:42:48,980 --> 00:42:50,700
goodnight from him. Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.