1 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,420 Good evening. It's very nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is 2 00:00:32,420 --> 00:00:37,120 indeed. And in a packed programme tonight, we talk to a man who's crossed 3 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,920 Rhode Island red with a waitress and got a chicken that lays tables. 4 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:48,080 And we'll discuss the latest business merger. 5 00:00:48,660 --> 00:00:51,960 Mothercare have joined British Leyland to produce a car with a built -in 6 00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:03,230 Then we'll discuss the bread shortage with a woman who's been throwing IOUs to 7 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,229 the ducks. 8 00:01:06,410 --> 00:01:07,870 But first, the news. 9 00:01:08,390 --> 00:01:12,470 National health doctors staged a protest march down Harley Street today, waving 10 00:01:12,470 --> 00:01:14,230 big placards which they'd written out themselves. 11 00:01:15,130 --> 00:01:17,110 Unfortunately, it was a failure as no one could read them. 12 00:01:19,070 --> 00:01:21,750 Except one chemist who happened to be passing. 13 00:01:22,610 --> 00:01:24,350 He told them to come back in ten minutes. 14 00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:32,110 service state today that they're getting so behind hand that for the pregnancy 15 00:01:32,110 --> 00:01:34,970 testing service there is now a ten month waiting list. 16 00:01:39,110 --> 00:01:43,490 And a lady family planning officer who had triplets this week has been sacked 17 00:01:43,490 --> 00:01:44,750 for failing to report an accident. 18 00:01:47,130 --> 00:01:48,710 Which brings us to sport. 19 00:01:48,950 --> 00:01:55,480 From Japan we hear that Mr Watanabe Akimoto, the winner of the slow 20 00:01:55,480 --> 00:02:00,220 bicycle race in the 1972 Olympics, has just completed his lap of honour. 21 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,820 And in the Tokyo trade fair, the winning design is British. 22 00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:10,240 It's a pocket television set that fits inside a matchbox and weighs only one 23 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:14,880 ounce. It's the last word in lightweight miniaturisation and runs off only three 24 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:15,880 car batteries. 25 00:02:18,860 --> 00:02:24,160 Mr. George Strakes, the building contractor who was jailed last year for 26 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,560 supplying millions of pounds worth of defective building materials to the 27 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:31,220 government, escaped from Wormwood Scrubs today when the front fell off. 28 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:43,740 And now, from Deser Connor's latest album, here are a few postage stamps. 29 00:02:58,090 --> 00:02:59,090 Lovely party. 30 00:03:00,970 --> 00:03:02,470 Lots of lovely girls. 31 00:03:04,310 --> 00:03:05,310 Dirty little devil. 32 00:03:06,950 --> 00:03:09,370 Pardon? Is that all you ever think about, sex? 33 00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:13,570 What do you mean? All I said was, um, lots of lovely girls. 34 00:03:13,990 --> 00:03:16,090 Not what I call lovely. Not really lovely. 35 00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:19,770 I've known girls in my time that were really lovely. 36 00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:21,690 I don't think this looks lovely. 37 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:27,010 Well, no, perhaps not really lovely. You know, not really lovely, but I mean, 38 00:03:27,030 --> 00:03:28,030 they're all right. 39 00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:32,880 Not like the champagne. That really is lovely. 40 00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:35,620 Muck. 41 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:37,620 What? 42 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,260 Barely drinkable. 43 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,380 Not if you're used to drinking vintage champagne. 44 00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:45,140 Oh, no, no, not if you're used to drinking vintage champagne. No, of 45 00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:49,460 No, no. I mean, vintage champagne, that is a different kettle of fish. 46 00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:51,980 I'm not talking about fish, I'm talking about champagne. 47 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,460 Oh, yes, I realise that, but be fair. 48 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,100 you know, most people would not know the difference. 49 00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,620 You might not. I certainly wouldn't. 50 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,300 And as you brought the fish up, I nearly did. 51 00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:07,040 It was salmon. 52 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:08,520 Tinned. 53 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:13,280 Oh, that's as may be. I mean, you know, I mean, you realize it's tinned, and I 54 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,420 realize it's tinned. 55 00:04:14,740 --> 00:04:19,519 I mean, we realize, don't we, that the salmon was not indeed fresh. 56 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:22,580 But most people wouldn't know the difference. I mean, there aren't many 57 00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:25,580 about today who can afford either. I mean, really. I mean, there aren't many 58 00:04:25,580 --> 00:04:27,520 rich people about today, are there? 59 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,480 I'm rich. 60 00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:33,740 I could tell, 61 00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:39,040 looking at you, that you were indeed very rich. I'm not very rich. Oh? 62 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,000 I'm terribly rich. 63 00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:47,660 I'm not terribly rich, but I've got a few, Bob. 64 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,260 Yes, I bet you have, yes. A few bob, yes. 65 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:55,760 I've got millions. 66 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:57,680 Millions of pounds. 67 00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:00,000 Still, money isn't everything. 68 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,300 That's what I always say. Money isn't everything. I always say that. 69 00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:05,400 Education, that's what counts. 70 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,420 Isn't it strange? It could be me talking. It really could. 71 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:14,240 I always say, I always say that education is most important. Yeah. 72 00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:16,140 Where were you eaten? 73 00:05:16,460 --> 00:05:18,440 No, not actually, no. 74 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,440 Harrow. Very near. 75 00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:28,760 Wembley. Wembley isn't a public school. 76 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,620 Oh, it's fairly public. 77 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,240 I expect you went to Eton. Yes. 78 00:05:34,860 --> 00:05:35,860 And Harrow. 79 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:40,900 Oh, you can always tell men of distinction, can't you? You can indeed. 80 00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:45,000 why you realise that salmon was not fresh, and that the champagne was not 81 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:49,300 vintage, and that all the girls at this party are terribly ordinary. 82 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,260 You're a crawler. Pardon? 83 00:05:53,290 --> 00:05:57,010 And a troublemaker as well. Oh. I hate crawlers and troublemakers. Oh, now, 84 00:05:57,010 --> 00:06:01,050 here. And a sex maniac to boot. Oh, I say, steady on. People go to the trouble 85 00:06:01,050 --> 00:06:05,230 of giving a beautiful party so that little snobs like you can scrounge an 86 00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:06,189 evening out. 87 00:06:06,190 --> 00:06:10,270 Why, flogging's too good for you. If you don't like the party, why the hell 88 00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:13,370 don't you leave it? But you said... Get out, get out, get out. 89 00:06:14,650 --> 00:06:19,530 Oh, Sir John, I do hope you don't think I've been neglecting you. I'm your 90 00:06:19,530 --> 00:06:23,560 hostess. Marvellous party. Oh, thank you. You know, your wife and I have only 91 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,940 spoken on the phone, but I feel I know you already. 92 00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:30,540 Wonderful, wonderful party. Beautiful food and marvellous champagne and lovely 93 00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:35,100 ladies. Thank you. My husband will be so pleased. He really arranged all of 94 00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:38,120 this, you know. Did he, did he, did he? He's married to you, by the way. I have 95 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:38,819 no idea. 96 00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:40,960 Oh, well, you were just talking to him. 97 00:06:57,610 --> 00:07:02,850 Last year, we visited the abode of Dr. William Spooner, the Oxford Don, who, a 98 00:07:02,850 --> 00:07:07,310 hundred years ago, was confusing all and sundry with his unique habit of 99 00:07:07,310 --> 00:07:12,770 transposing the first letters of two adjacent words, hereafter to be known as 100 00:07:12,770 --> 00:07:13,770 Spoonerisms. 101 00:07:14,270 --> 00:07:19,370 It was he who had proposed a toast to the queer old dean instead of the dear 102 00:07:19,370 --> 00:07:20,370 queen. 103 00:07:21,740 --> 00:07:26,140 It was also he who shocked the wife of a new birther to the college. What he 104 00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:30,160 meant to say was that, coming into contact with so many high -spirited 105 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,420 geniuses, she would soon be mad as a hatter, of course. 106 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:38,020 Instead of which, he said, she would soon be had as a matter of course. 107 00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:46,940 And so, in a special reconstruction, we return once again to the peaceful 108 00:07:46,940 --> 00:07:50,820 confines of Dr. Spooner's house near Oxford. 109 00:07:58,710 --> 00:08:01,710 William. Good ray, Dorothy. I mean, good day, Rosie. 110 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,250 You were up early, dear. Where have you been? 111 00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:06,950 Oh, I've been rolling in the stroes bushes. 112 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,810 Rolling in the rose bushes. 113 00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:11,110 They love so smelly this morning. 114 00:08:11,630 --> 00:08:14,490 You do adore your garden, don't you? Oh, in do I deed. 115 00:08:14,710 --> 00:08:15,710 I mean, in do'd I deed. 116 00:08:16,410 --> 00:08:19,230 Yes, there's nothing makes me gaffier than a spot of hardening. 117 00:08:20,010 --> 00:08:21,010 Good night, dear. 118 00:08:25,450 --> 00:08:28,550 I fear there's so much to do at this time of year, I'm neglecting it. 119 00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:31,030 It's the rutting season for tea roses, you know. 120 00:08:32,110 --> 00:08:34,150 The rutting season for tea roses? 121 00:08:34,390 --> 00:08:36,390 No, no, no, the cutting season for tea roses, dear. 122 00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:39,110 I declare you're getting as mad as me. 123 00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:45,170 Is that what you intend to do today, my dear? No, no, no, the roses must wait. 124 00:08:45,270 --> 00:08:48,750 The first thing I must do is to spray my flies against green beans. 125 00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:54,090 While I'm at it, I think I'll black my doobers as well. 126 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,510 I need some vegetables for dinner. 127 00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:00,230 Would you mind me a farrow? 128 00:09:00,570 --> 00:09:02,350 Me a farrow? What's she got to do with it? 129 00:09:03,390 --> 00:09:05,690 I mean, could you find me a marrow? 130 00:09:05,990 --> 00:09:08,490 Oh, I see, a mere tip of the slung, I see. 131 00:09:08,690 --> 00:09:13,230 No, I fear I cannot, because the garden gate was left unlocked all night. 132 00:09:13,450 --> 00:09:16,750 Someone has niptoed in and tipped my barrow in the mud. 133 00:09:18,170 --> 00:09:20,150 Tiptoed in and nipped your marrow in the bud? 134 00:09:20,450 --> 00:09:21,910 I couldn't have bet he'd put her myself. 135 00:09:23,310 --> 00:09:26,070 I swear it was that villainous landlord of the Wigan Pistol. 136 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,520 Little Billy Humphreys. What? 137 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:32,640 Little Billy Humphreys. Yes, little hilly bumphreys, exactly. 138 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:37,040 He's always been jealous of my prowess in the shower flow. 139 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:42,320 My name is Rose, dear. No, no, no, no. The shower flow, the annual shower flow. 140 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:43,540 Ah, of course. 141 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:47,320 Don't you remember last year he tried to sabotage my peas? 142 00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:50,580 He covered them in creosote and left the sore little pods to die. 143 00:09:59,770 --> 00:10:01,870 Exactly. William, are you sure it was he? 144 00:10:02,090 --> 00:10:03,210 Perhaps it was the bees. 145 00:10:03,530 --> 00:10:07,070 Bees cannot open a garden gate, dear. Well, how did you know the garden gate 146 00:10:07,070 --> 00:10:10,370 open? Because I saw next door's dog looing things on the door. 147 00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:13,410 Is that Poodle? Yes, they're Poodle Petal. 148 00:10:13,930 --> 00:10:15,750 Is he Polly? Yes, Prilly Potty. 149 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:19,350 The villain, he'll pay for this. I have a good mind to go over there and put 150 00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:20,470 Dirtilizer on his failures. 151 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:24,930 Don't upset yourself, sir. 152 00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:29,710 I'll help you with the gardening as soon as I have time. But at the moment, we 153 00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:30,710 have other duties. 154 00:10:30,790 --> 00:10:32,810 Our students, remember? Good heavens! 155 00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,090 Good heavens! 156 00:10:34,470 --> 00:10:36,890 Tyke at the loom. I mean, like at the tomb. 157 00:10:37,350 --> 00:10:39,330 A toque at the lime is what I'm trying to say. 158 00:10:39,570 --> 00:10:40,710 I've hissed a mystery lecture. 159 00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:45,470 I have a divinity class waiting. Let us hurry, dear William, and not keep them 160 00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:48,430 waiting any longer. Oh, dear. 161 00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:52,180 You are my William, the sweetest sweet William that ever grew. 162 00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:55,880 Ah, and you are my Rose, the ricest nose I ever picked. 163 00:10:57,340 --> 00:11:00,860 Ah, but you are much too gash -nut to be a pardner. 164 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,480 And you're much too titty to be a preacher. 165 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:34,440 Hickey Malone and Charlie Farley, our pair of private eyes who were renowned 166 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:40,120 making a spectacle of themselves, were on the trail of the sinister drug which 167 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:43,420 was causing embarrassment to leading public figures all over the world. 168 00:11:44,020 --> 00:11:45,360 The clumsy drug. 169 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:52,980 Having traced the gang to Marseille, our potty hero and his underweight 170 00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:57,560 assistant had come up against a brick wall in the shape of Madame Cocotte, the 171 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,160 manager of the Hotel Metropole. 172 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,080 And if you've ever come up against a brick wall shaped like Madame Cocotte, 173 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,540 you'll know what I mean. 174 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,520 But suddenly, Madame Cocotte herself had become clumsy. 175 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,040 What strange spell was she under? 176 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,780 Was she herself a victim of the dreaded drug? 177 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:21,460 As soon as she had left the room, Charlie Farley was on the scent. 178 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:25,800 It's a note, Chief. 179 00:12:26,060 --> 00:12:27,640 Either she dropped it or it was in the vase. 180 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:28,880 What does it say? 181 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:33,190 I must be careful what I write, but the following message may be of interest to 182 00:12:33,190 --> 00:12:35,650 you in locating the whereabouts of what you seek. 183 00:12:36,050 --> 00:12:37,690 That must mean where the formula's hidden. 184 00:12:37,910 --> 00:12:38,910 Read the message. 185 00:12:39,430 --> 00:12:41,930 A sketch map you have to find. 186 00:12:42,570 --> 00:12:44,670 Enough time you must give yourself. 187 00:12:45,510 --> 00:12:49,170 Room thoroughly to search every lady's bed. 188 00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:52,470 Under where you will find it. 189 00:12:52,950 --> 00:12:53,950 Print it on. 190 00:12:54,810 --> 00:12:58,590 Every lady's bed. You mean it's printed under the bed, this map, is it? 191 00:12:58,910 --> 00:13:00,630 There's more to this note than meets the eye, Chief. 192 00:13:01,470 --> 00:13:02,470 Puzzle? Yeah. 193 00:13:03,270 --> 00:13:05,810 Well, I shouldn't puzzle it out down here. If I were you, you'd get crap. 194 00:13:10,110 --> 00:13:13,890 Oh, Chief, I think I'm getting it. There, I told you. Get up, point your 195 00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:18,970 No, no, I mean the message on the note. 196 00:13:19,550 --> 00:13:21,230 Where's the bit of paper? Well, it might be over here. 197 00:13:23,050 --> 00:13:25,310 Here, listen, I fancy something to eat. I'm going to phone down for something. 198 00:13:25,410 --> 00:13:26,410 Do you want anything? 199 00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:29,230 No, no, I'm all right. Can't think of two things at once. 200 00:13:30,490 --> 00:13:31,490 OK. 201 00:13:32,970 --> 00:13:34,530 Hello? Room service, please. 202 00:13:35,350 --> 00:13:36,350 Oh, yes. 203 00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,890 I fancy a nibble of something. Could you send me up a waitress, please? 204 00:13:42,290 --> 00:13:43,330 Room 13, thank you. 205 00:13:47,770 --> 00:13:48,870 Keith, come and look at this. 206 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,300 Well, you've just written it out again. That's all, so what? 207 00:13:58,520 --> 00:13:59,520 No, wait a minute. 208 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,360 Now read it. 209 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,880 You have to find a sketch map. 210 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:23,180 You must give yourself enough time to search every lady's bedroom thoroughly. 211 00:14:23,540 --> 00:14:25,600 You will find it printed on... 212 00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:26,900 Underwear. 213 00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:30,440 You'll find it printed on underwear. 214 00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:34,220 Oh, you will find it printed on underwear. 215 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,700 That's brilliant. That is Charlie brilliant. 216 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,040 And so the search was on. 217 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:51,760 flag, monsieur? 218 00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:54,380 It has its own special box. 219 00:15:57,220 --> 00:15:58,600 Ah, oui, monsieur. 220 00:16:00,980 --> 00:16:06,880 Merci. Our glorious tricolour must not be absent from our flagpole a moment 221 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:07,880 than necessary. 222 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,400 Three cheers for the blue, white, and red, n 'est -ce pas? 223 00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:19,920 But still the search went on. 224 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,380 And Piggy especially was tireless in his efforts to uncover the truth. 225 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,200 Sure, baby. 226 00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:30,800 I work here. 227 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,160 Here. In the hotel. 228 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,000 Sure. 229 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,080 I've just checked. 230 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,760 Well, what news? 231 00:17:35,660 --> 00:17:36,660 None whatsoever. 232 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,320 They told me, were they? 233 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:41,960 No. 234 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,160 Well, what? 235 00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:47,340 I've just told you, none whatsoever. 236 00:17:48,740 --> 00:17:51,440 You mean, none whatsoever? 237 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:54,680 I think. 238 00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:57,360 No luck there. 239 00:18:08,940 --> 00:18:10,160 Where is Madame La Mangerette? 240 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,020 Madame Cocotte, where is she? 241 00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:14,180 I really don't have any idea, sir. 242 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,360 The flag, it has disappeared. 243 00:18:16,860 --> 00:18:19,300 Oh. There's been no terrible mix -up. 244 00:18:19,580 --> 00:18:20,920 Look out of the window. 245 00:18:27,420 --> 00:18:29,220 Oh, my sainted abs. 246 00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:31,160 You mean you recognize them? 247 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:36,500 No. It's just an expression, Monsieur Philippe. Something must be done, 248 00:18:36,860 --> 00:18:37,860 The situation. 249 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,240 Cannot be allowed to continue. 250 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:45,260 Excuse me, madame, not now. I'm busy. I've other things to do. I must get to 251 00:18:45,260 --> 00:18:46,260 bottom of this. 252 00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:50,080 Miss Gidsburg, get those knickers down at once. 253 00:18:54,940 --> 00:18:56,360 There we are. 254 00:18:57,620 --> 00:18:58,680 Down they come. 255 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,820 Down they come. 256 00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:07,260 We must remove them from the rope. 257 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:12,980 so that we can search inside for a label in order to ascertain whose loins they 258 00:19:12,980 --> 00:19:13,980 formerly girded. 259 00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:18,040 I'm looking. 260 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,240 Oh, here's one. Here's one label. 261 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:23,960 And it is saying saint something. 262 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,400 Saint something? 263 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,580 Probably some religious personage. 264 00:19:28,860 --> 00:19:34,080 Religious personage? Like a nun or something? No, they don't wear frilly 265 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,920 No, too frilly. Wait. 266 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,120 Does it say St. Michael? 267 00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:45,300 St. Michael? St. Michael was a very famous British saint who was often to be 268 00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:46,420 found inside people's underwear. 269 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,060 I can see it now. 270 00:19:51,620 --> 00:19:52,620 It's St. 271 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,800 Christopher Hong Kong. 272 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,700 That's a filthy foreign imitation. 273 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:02,500 St. Christopher is the saint who watches over people when they're traveling. 274 00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:05,780 But not, I hope, when they're traveling up flat. folds in their underwear. 275 00:20:06,020 --> 00:20:07,020 Ah, no, no, no. 276 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,680 That would be stretching things a little too far. 277 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,440 let's do it 278 00:21:31,090 --> 00:21:32,210 Ah, champagne. 279 00:21:35,730 --> 00:21:37,010 Japanese, too. 280 00:21:39,230 --> 00:21:43,830 Well, my dear, did our friends find what we wanted them to find? 281 00:21:44,590 --> 00:21:47,110 Yes, they have taken my briefs. They are gone. 282 00:21:47,310 --> 00:21:49,510 They wanted a map carefully drawn on this. 283 00:21:49,710 --> 00:21:55,090 A map which they think will lead them to the clumsy drug formula, but will only 284 00:21:55,090 --> 00:21:58,910 lead them to our vera and their eventual death. 285 00:21:59,420 --> 00:22:01,980 A -ringering a -rosome death. 286 00:22:02,580 --> 00:22:05,720 They will remember for the rest of their lives. 287 00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:12,940 But which we three know is merely the removal of a couple of stupid obstacles 288 00:22:12,940 --> 00:22:14,780 that light our path. 289 00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:18,640 A path that leads to world domination. 290 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:22,860 Ah, Monsieur Greensleeves, you put everything so beautifully. 291 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:29,100 Once again, our two dull -witted heroes have been tricked. 292 00:22:29,660 --> 00:22:32,580 Will they discover they have been incorrectly briefed? 293 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,000 Will Kiki embark on another wild goose chase? 294 00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:39,880 Or will Charlie persuade him to keep his hands to himself? 295 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:47,580 Find out in next week's episode, Hawk Wright or Disaster? 296 00:22:57,770 --> 00:23:04,430 Of course, the first thing we've got to get right is the sleeping arrangements. 297 00:23:04,830 --> 00:23:05,830 You know what I mean? 298 00:23:06,410 --> 00:23:11,370 I mean, we've got two fellas here, and one, if you'll forgive the expression, 299 00:23:11,550 --> 00:23:12,550 Popsie. 300 00:23:12,910 --> 00:23:17,730 What do you think we should do about it, like? 301 00:23:18,590 --> 00:23:20,690 Well, don't worry about me, dearie. Oh. 302 00:23:21,550 --> 00:23:25,210 Sometimes my head hits the pillow, I fall asleep like a baby. Oh, that's all 303 00:23:25,210 --> 00:23:26,139 right, isn't it? 304 00:23:26,140 --> 00:23:27,140 Oh, yes, that's fine. 305 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,040 Excuse me a minute. 306 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:39,640 Funny old dude, isn't it, eh? 307 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:45,260 Being shipwrecked on a desert island with a beautiful girl. 308 00:23:47,380 --> 00:23:48,380 Funny, isn't it, eh? 309 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:50,840 Cigarette? 310 00:23:51,420 --> 00:23:53,360 No, thanks. I'll stick to my pipe. 311 00:24:03,980 --> 00:24:06,060 Look, I didn't mean to hurt you just now when I walked away. 312 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:08,080 I wouldn't have paid you for the word, you know that, then. 313 00:27:40,780 --> 00:27:45,460 You know, when I told the producer the joke I'm going to tell you tonight, he 314 00:27:45,460 --> 00:27:46,460 got rather excited. 315 00:27:46,740 --> 00:27:51,180 In fact, he let go of the barman's hand and he looked me straight in the eye and 316 00:27:51,180 --> 00:27:53,500 he tried to speak to me. 317 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:57,940 But whether he likes it or not, I'm going to tell it for sentimental 318 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:02,840 really, as a tribute to a member of my family. By the way, I must give my 319 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,580 kiddies a little wave tonight. 320 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:07,320 They'll be glued to the television about now. 321 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,760 I've told them that this programme was going to be about industrial chemistry. 322 00:28:13,300 --> 00:28:15,760 My wife won't be watching. 323 00:28:15,980 --> 00:28:17,540 She'll be at her evening classes. 324 00:28:17,820 --> 00:28:21,400 She goes about four times a week, you know. She's learning metalwork and 325 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:22,400 plumbing. 326 00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:25,080 Very full of herself yesterday. 327 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,940 She got a gold star for drain clearance. 328 00:28:29,620 --> 00:28:32,500 Two gold stars and she gets a night out with the sanitary inspector. 329 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:37,400 She might, she might even claim the title. 330 00:28:37,820 --> 00:28:39,140 Miss Diner Rod of 1975. 331 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:45,720 Now, unfortunately, her metalwork is not so hot. 332 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:52,380 We have now got a corrugated iron sideboard marked, can do better if she 333 00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:59,100 Actually, it's all part of the treatment prescribed by our psychiatrist. 334 00:28:59,420 --> 00:29:01,700 Now, there is a chap who has got on. 335 00:29:02,140 --> 00:29:05,440 50 guineas a time, three couches, no waiting. 336 00:29:06,970 --> 00:29:10,410 Good heavens, when I first knew him, you could give him a couple of bob and you 337 00:29:10,410 --> 00:29:11,410 had to sit on his lap. 338 00:29:13,110 --> 00:29:16,090 Rumour has it that he started out as a Father Christmas in the co -op. 339 00:29:17,450 --> 00:29:21,570 You see, you see, she's got a nice idea. 340 00:29:22,070 --> 00:29:27,830 You see, she's got this insomnia. My wife, that is. She's got this insomnia. 341 00:29:28,310 --> 00:29:29,309 That's not right. 342 00:29:29,310 --> 00:29:31,030 She's got this insomnia. 343 00:29:31,550 --> 00:29:33,050 She's got that insomnia. 344 00:29:33,470 --> 00:29:34,470 But anyway. 345 00:29:35,020 --> 00:29:36,460 Well, she's got a bit of insomnia, you know. 346 00:29:37,460 --> 00:29:39,180 Well, it doesn't make much difference, does it? 347 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:40,400 Anyway, 348 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:44,340 she's got insomnia. Got this insomnia. All that insomnia. 349 00:29:45,540 --> 00:29:48,540 Can't bloody sleep. 350 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:55,340 Anyway, she's got... I must be... I must... 351 00:29:55,340 --> 00:29:59,780 I must be more grammatical, you know. If they start economising round here, 352 00:30:00,020 --> 00:30:02,220 it'll be us bad talkers what will go first. 353 00:30:04,270 --> 00:30:05,570 So, you see, she can't sleep. 354 00:30:05,770 --> 00:30:09,510 And the latest idea is the playing card therapy. 355 00:30:09,770 --> 00:30:11,630 It's called that, the playing card therapy. 356 00:30:11,870 --> 00:30:15,150 She sits up all night, you know, playing five -card brag. 357 00:30:15,730 --> 00:30:19,490 Now, the first night, I took a hand just to keep her company, you know. Then I 358 00:30:19,490 --> 00:30:22,570 fell asleep, and I got a dig in the ribs at three o 'clock in the morning, and a 359 00:30:22,570 --> 00:30:25,730 voice said, you're 28 pounds down, but I think your luck is changing. 360 00:30:28,050 --> 00:30:30,650 Do you want to settle up? She said, I'll carry on. 361 00:30:31,150 --> 00:30:32,570 Anyway, back to the joke. 362 00:30:32,860 --> 00:30:38,100 which I would like to dedicate to my grandfather, who I'm afraid we have just 363 00:30:38,100 --> 00:30:39,100 lost. 364 00:30:39,460 --> 00:30:42,520 My wife left him outside Tesco's, and when she came out, he was gone. 365 00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:51,000 Now, we gave the police a full description of him, and they decided he 366 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:52,000 worth looking for. 367 00:30:53,340 --> 00:30:58,700 He was very well known in the district for his local voluntary work in ladies' 368 00:30:58,800 --> 00:30:59,800 massage parlours. 369 00:31:01,500 --> 00:31:06,040 And, of course, for his very, very exciting biography of his fighting in 370 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:09,780 Boer War, entitled I Busted a Gut for General Smut. 371 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:16,060 What I'm actually coming to, and you're going to find this very hard to believe 372 00:31:16,060 --> 00:31:21,480 in this incredible saga of poor boy who grew up to become poor man, he left this 373 00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:23,320 letter. This letter. 374 00:31:26,060 --> 00:31:31,680 This is what it says. It says, Dear Ron, if anything ever happens to me, Could 375 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:36,440 you... Now, by the way, if anybody thinks that this is a phony excuse to 376 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:41,260 old joke, I must point out that this letter has been examined by the entire 377 00:31:41,260 --> 00:31:42,660 studio audience. 378 00:31:42,980 --> 00:31:44,100 Hasn't it? Yes! 379 00:31:45,620 --> 00:31:47,780 We'll see anything for a glass of stout and a funny hat. 380 00:31:50,860 --> 00:31:56,180 Dear Ron, if anything ever happens to me, could you please tell the old joke 381 00:31:56,180 --> 00:31:57,180 about the boxer? 382 00:31:57,660 --> 00:31:59,320 Signed, Grandad. So there we are. 383 00:31:59,550 --> 00:32:03,490 So for Grandad's sake, there is this old boxer, you see, who rings up Harry 384 00:32:03,490 --> 00:32:05,890 Levine, the promoter, and he says, Mr. 385 00:32:06,170 --> 00:32:09,470 Levine, he says, what about my next fight? 386 00:32:09,890 --> 00:32:13,430 And Mr. Levine says, I'm sorry, boy, you've had too many fights already, he 387 00:32:13,430 --> 00:32:15,090 said. Take my advice, he said. 388 00:32:15,330 --> 00:32:17,170 Hang your gloves up, he said, and forget it. 389 00:32:17,510 --> 00:32:19,930 And the boxer says, Harry, what are you talking about? 390 00:32:20,250 --> 00:32:21,410 I've never been better. 391 00:32:21,730 --> 00:32:22,890 Very good, this is. 392 00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:29,820 He said, I've never been better, he said. 393 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:34,020 Don't make me laugh, or I can't do it. 394 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:37,520 I've never been better, he said. 395 00:32:37,900 --> 00:32:41,400 I've had a ten -year lay -off, he said. I'm getting Harry Levine and the boxer 396 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:42,359 mixed up now. 397 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,040 He said, I've had a ten -year lay -off. 398 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:48,560 He says, damn it, the world of good. He said, I want to fight Slasher Delaney. 399 00:32:48,740 --> 00:32:51,100 I'm ready for him. I'll take him in the third. 400 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:55,740 Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee, Slasher Delaney will go in too. 401 00:33:00,540 --> 00:33:04,240 Out of the question, says the promoter. He says, what, do you think I'm over the 402 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:07,340 hill or something? He said, go on, he said. Tell me straight from the 403 00:33:07,380 --> 00:33:11,080 man to man. Give it to me, he said. Why can't I fight Slasher Delaney? 404 00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:14,020 And Harry Levine says, you are Slasher Delaney. 405 00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:24,660 From the company that brought me such tremendous double acts as Paul and Flora 406 00:33:24,660 --> 00:33:25,660 Robeson. 407 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,080 Julie and Eamon Andrews. 408 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:30,780 Enoch and Sandy Powell. 409 00:33:32,220 --> 00:33:33,960 Kenneth and Shirley Williams. 410 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:36,440 Roy and Megs Jenkins. 411 00:33:37,580 --> 00:33:39,460 Frankie and Trevor Howard. 412 00:33:39,820 --> 00:33:44,080 Now comes the greatest and the newest showbiz act that ever hit the small 413 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:47,000 screen. John and Mrs. Mills. 414 00:34:02,410 --> 00:34:07,910 ladies and gentlemen our own jam roly -poly the succulent the never truculent 415 00:34:07,910 --> 00:34:08,909 please welcome 416 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:41,739 because you're the jelly that I love to take. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you beautiful 417 00:34:41,739 --> 00:34:42,739 plant. 418 00:34:46,420 --> 00:34:49,659 Oh, Johnny, oh, Johnny, how you can love. 419 00:34:50,260 --> 00:34:55,960 Oh, Johnny, oh, Johnny, heavens above, you make our glass heart jump with joy. 420 00:34:56,400 --> 00:35:02,040 When you're around me, I can't see what you're up to, Johnny. I'd like to say 421 00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:03,540 that you love me a bit. 422 00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:06,360 Excuse me, so. 423 00:35:07,020 --> 00:35:10,660 I'm so angry because I don't know which bit it was. 424 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:13,480 Oh, Johnny -o, Johnny -o. 425 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:26,640 If you were the only 426 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:32,100 girl in the world And you were the only boy 427 00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:37,520 What a lot of trouble we'd be in today. 428 00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:42,580 I would love to love you, but there ain't no way. 429 00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:49,920 The Garden of Eden, yet made for two, leaves no room for me 430 00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:50,980 at all. 431 00:36:27,230 --> 00:36:29,530 Don't let the waiter go home. 432 00:36:30,190 --> 00:36:32,870 I'm awake and I want to go to bed. 433 00:36:33,490 --> 00:36:39,710 I had the funny feeling about an hour ago and it wasn't in my head. 434 00:36:40,290 --> 00:36:46,630 No matter where I row, on land or sea or foam, 435 00:36:46,930 --> 00:36:53,230 I should never find a sailor on a night like this. So don't let the waiter go 436 00:36:53,230 --> 00:36:54,230 home. 437 00:36:59,340 --> 00:37:02,560 You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. 438 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:07,320 When you're around, dear, I feel so good. 439 00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:12,460 Cool in the summer, warm in the winter. 440 00:37:13,260 --> 00:37:16,480 Providing shade for the whole neighborhood. 441 00:37:17,540 --> 00:37:24,360 The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamt that you... 442 00:37:33,260 --> 00:37:36,640 Just as well, dear, that you're not my bride. 443 00:37:36,940 --> 00:37:43,940 Still, keep the home part burning. I shall sit 444 00:37:43,940 --> 00:37:50,640 here yearning in my flannel underwear till 445 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:53,160 the boys come home. 446 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:58,220 But I can't help whining. 447 00:37:58,460 --> 00:38:01,420 It's this itchy line. 448 00:38:18,790 --> 00:38:22,530 Underneath the piano. Gotta keep the strength up. There's golden in the 449 00:38:22,810 --> 00:38:25,430 Drink up, don't talk. Give me a bunk up. Drink up, Mrs. Mills. 450 00:38:53,290 --> 00:38:55,470 The show is over. 451 00:38:55,870 --> 00:38:59,230 When you come home once more. 452 00:39:00,430 --> 00:39:04,070 I'll take a cab to Crockford. 453 00:39:04,650 --> 00:39:07,690 I've got to scrub this floor. 454 00:39:08,770 --> 00:39:15,030 Back in my rooms in Belgrade. There the champagne 455 00:39:15,030 --> 00:39:16,330 will flow. 456 00:39:17,430 --> 00:39:20,150 I'll curl up inside the... 457 00:39:27,500 --> 00:39:29,920 The show is over. 458 00:39:30,300 --> 00:39:33,300 Hope you have had some fun. 459 00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:38,820 Earrings of gold and oldies. 460 00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:41,000 Favourite everyone. 461 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:46,740 Now is the time to leave you. 462 00:39:47,020 --> 00:39:49,540 Now we have got to go. 463 00:40:36,220 --> 00:40:40,780 Well, that's all for this week. Next week, we shall see Fanny Craddock 464 00:40:40,780 --> 00:40:43,060 in her new play, Lady Windermere's Flan. 465 00:40:44,460 --> 00:40:50,740 And an Indian boil and carbuncle specialist 466 00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:54,820 will read from his book, Lives of a Bengal Lancer. 467 00:40:58,220 --> 00:41:02,480 A Welsh lady who used to grow grass on her chest will present How Green Was My 468 00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:03,480 Valley. 469 00:41:05,610 --> 00:41:09,390 And a man who lives next to a sewage work will read from his journal, The 470 00:41:09,390 --> 00:41:10,390 at Pooh Corner. 471 00:41:14,410 --> 00:41:20,510 And we'll also have the famous colour -blind poet, Mr Reginald Smithers. 472 00:41:20,850 --> 00:41:23,130 Here is a quick preview of one of his poems. 473 00:41:23,690 --> 00:41:27,930 Roses are green, violets are brown, the sky is bright yellow and so is the 474 00:41:27,930 --> 00:41:28,930 ground. 475 00:41:30,450 --> 00:41:33,790 Meanwhile... The Ministry of Agriculture have advice for all of you who are 476 00:41:33,790 --> 00:41:35,190 troubled by flies in your kitchen. 477 00:41:35,450 --> 00:41:37,210 Put a load of manure in your living room. 478 00:41:40,550 --> 00:41:42,010 News from the courts. 479 00:41:42,490 --> 00:41:47,630 Lord Chief Justice Harris today laid down the maximum penalty for bigamy. 480 00:41:47,890 --> 00:41:48,970 Two mothers -in -law. 481 00:41:51,290 --> 00:41:55,770 The latest news. The Prime Minister discussed women's lib again today. If 482 00:41:55,770 --> 00:41:59,910 want equality, they can have it, he said, in a short address outside 10 483 00:41:59,910 --> 00:42:06,510 Street. Mr Wedgwood Ben... Mr Wedgwood Ben agreed with him. He was also wearing 484 00:42:06,510 --> 00:42:07,930 a shorter dress with matching handbags. 485 00:42:14,270 --> 00:42:19,470 We've just heard that there's been an accident on the South Circular Road. It 486 00:42:19,470 --> 00:42:23,290 seems a milk tanker collided with a lorry load of Rice Krispies. 487 00:42:23,690 --> 00:42:28,270 The drivers were not hurt, but 123 people are suffering from shell shock. 488 00:42:31,850 --> 00:42:35,250 In another incident, West Kensington police today questioned a man with a 489 00:42:35,250 --> 00:42:39,450 leg who was hopping down the high street while pouring a tin of treacle over his 490 00:42:39,450 --> 00:42:40,450 bald head. 491 00:42:41,170 --> 00:42:44,990 The man later explained that he was going to a fancy dress ball as a toffee 492 00:42:44,990 --> 00:42:45,990 apple. 493 00:42:52,930 --> 00:42:55,670 But that's all we've got time for, so it's goodnight from me. 494 00:42:55,950 --> 00:42:57,170 And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.