1 00:00:28,340 --> 00:00:31,700 Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:35,080 in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to a gunsmith who invented a 3 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,660 sage and onion bullet so you can shoot the goose and stuff it at the same time. 4 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:46,260 Then a very wealthy man who was a snowplough driver in Trinidad will 5 00:00:46,260 --> 00:00:49,520 tell us how he fiddled his overtime. 6 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,780 And then we shall be discussing potholing and why it ruins the bedroom 7 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:07,180 But first, the news. We've just heard that three desperate criminals who 8 00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:11,320 from Dartmoor yesterday in appalling weather conditions have been recaptured. 9 00:01:11,540 --> 00:01:15,820 One was in Jersey, another in Cardigan, and a third was in a nice woolly jumper 10 00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:16,820 his mummy made. 11 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,640 British Rail have announced that they have developed a new engine that is so 12 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:27,480 fast it can travel from London to Reading before its driver gets a pay 13 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,860 British rail research scientists have come up with a new theorem for the 14 00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:40,160 cold. It doesn't cure the cold, but your nose will only run in good weather. 15 00:01:41,420 --> 00:01:45,960 And tonight we applaud the generosity of a cinema in Peebles who put up a notice 16 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:49,420 saying old age pensioners admitted free if accompanied by their parents. 17 00:01:54,220 --> 00:01:59,000 But serious news from the village of Lower Munsden come Widdicombe Magna de 18 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,640 Zouche on the Little Waverley with the Upper Walbury Spookley. 19 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:06,000 It's now completely cut off from the rest of the world as the signpost is 20 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,000 blocking the road. 21 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:14,840 A survey on the decline of morals in the country reveals today that last week in 22 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:19,300 Liverpool alone an average of 267 women made love to an unmarried man. 23 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,340 The man is now recovering in hospital. 24 00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:30,540 A sketch in which Mr. Ronnie Barker plays the part of a bridegroom who finds 25 00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:34,720 there is no bed in the honeymoon suite and has to stand up for his conjugal 26 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:35,720 right. 27 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:51,400 That sounds like someone that does. 28 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,260 I'll get it. 29 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:05,320 Good morning, sonny. Is your mummy in? 30 00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:11,800 It's another one of them sales, my love. 31 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:16,080 I wonder if I can interest you in a nice set of encyclopedias full of very 32 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,080 interesting information. 33 00:03:17,220 --> 00:03:21,400 Do you think I could? For example, did you know that Lake Siberia and Lake 34 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:25,540 Balkash has an area of no less than 7 ,050 square miles? 35 00:03:25,820 --> 00:03:26,820 Yes. 36 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:33,500 Well, did you know that the river Yangtze -kiang in China is some 3 ,400 37 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:34,500 long? Yes. 38 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,320 Oh, well, did you know that the highest mountain in South America is Mount 39 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:45,160 Ilampu, being some 23 ,012 feet high? Oh, dear, I think you're wrong there, 40 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:49,080 No, no, the highest mountain in South America is surely Mount Akanagua, isn't 41 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:53,340 it? Which is over 69 feet higher than the Ilampu. Isn't that right, our Elsie? 42 00:03:54,020 --> 00:03:58,880 Nearer. It's the highest mountain in South America's Mount Cotopaxi, surely? 43 00:03:59,140 --> 00:04:02,080 Of course it is. I'll tell you what, it's Owl Lily. She'll know. Lily, what's 44 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:05,140 the highest mountain in South America, love? Oh, you're not stuck on that one 45 00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:08,840 again, are you? Mount Chimborazo. No, I'm sure it's the Aconagu Owl, isn't it, 46 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:12,140 love? It's Chimborazo. It's true as I'm standing here. You're not standing 47 00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:13,300 there, are you? You're sitting down. 48 00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:18,740 Never mind that. Let's try another one. Did you know that when Dr. Johnson said, 49 00:04:18,820 --> 00:04:21,980 many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage, he was referring to... No, 50 00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:24,780 wasn't Dr. Johnson. That was George Bernard Shaw. That was never Dr. 51 00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:26,560 Johnson, was it, our Elsie? Dr. 52 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:31,760 Johnson, isn't he a chap that said, let me smile with the wise and feed with the 53 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:36,600 rich? Yeah, that's the boy. I was just talking to Mrs. Butterworth about him 54 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:37,600 this morning. 55 00:04:38,340 --> 00:04:39,340 Butterworth? 56 00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:48,150 Oh, she's never done that, has she? Oh, I was just putting the finishing touches 57 00:04:48,150 --> 00:04:49,410 to a thesis on that we said. 58 00:04:50,130 --> 00:04:53,970 Look, never mind about all that. Would you like to tell me what the diameter of 59 00:04:53,970 --> 00:05:00,070 the planet Neptune is compared with our own good Earth? Now, I can tell you that 60 00:05:00,070 --> 00:05:03,150 because I was just working that out myself when I was putting the finishing 61 00:05:03,150 --> 00:05:05,010 touches to the sister in the lobby. 62 00:05:07,130 --> 00:05:11,630 I tell you, the diameter of the planet Neptune is 31 ,000 miles, and compared 63 00:05:11,630 --> 00:05:16,150 with our own mere 7 ,926 miles, is a ratio of 41. 64 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:17,790 Isn't that right, our Elsa? 65 00:05:18,010 --> 00:05:19,790 Ah, that's right, our Elsa. 66 00:05:20,090 --> 00:05:23,250 All right, let's dispense with this kiddy -winky stuff here. I want you to 67 00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:28,070 translate, or convert is a better word, I want you to convert 70 degrees 68 00:05:28,070 --> 00:05:31,630 Fahrenheit to Riamur. 16 .8. 120? 69 00:05:32,130 --> 00:05:33,980 39. 10 .1. 160. 70 00:05:34,380 --> 00:05:36,620 56 .8. Damn, damn, damn. 71 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:42,440 What is the name of the dwarf monkey which lives in the Amazonian mountains 72 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,640 feeds on small flowers, fruits, shoots and cheroots and small birds? 73 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:48,820 Oh, that's the word. It's marmoset. 74 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:55,700 What is the name of the bird called 75 00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:59,740 after its remarkable call and remarkable because it lays eggs in other birds' 76 00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:00,780 nests? 77 00:06:07,890 --> 00:06:09,790 3 ,748 ,521. 78 00:06:10,230 --> 00:06:11,810 Who was it then? Max Bygrave. 79 00:06:13,170 --> 00:06:15,250 The great galaxy of Andromeda. 80 00:06:15,470 --> 00:06:19,530 Oh, goodness. I have not sold a book all week. You know absolutely everything. 81 00:06:19,650 --> 00:06:22,770 Don't worry. Don't take on that. I'll buy a set of your boots. 82 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,390 You will? Yeah. It'll be two pounds a week for five weeks. 83 00:06:25,670 --> 00:06:26,670 Oh. 84 00:06:27,030 --> 00:06:29,510 How much is that? What's two pounds a week for five weeks? 85 00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:34,550 Ten pounds. Ten pounds? Never ten. What's five twos, Lily? 86 00:06:35,850 --> 00:06:39,290 Seven. Seven, is it seven? No, what is five? No, five times is ten. 87 00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:40,090 Good 88 00:06:40,090 --> 00:06:53,550 evening. 89 00:06:54,190 --> 00:06:55,450 I'm the Minister of Inflation. 90 00:06:56,250 --> 00:07:02,590 Now... Now, what is inflation? Well, look at this graph here. 91 00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:09,040 It shows the cost of spending a penny at Euston Station every year since 1884. 92 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,400 Of course, there are very few people alive today who have actually done that. 93 00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:16,120 But the drop does serve one very useful purpose. 94 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,040 I can hang my umbrella on it. 95 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,400 Now, what about prices? 96 00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:24,320 Now, these trousers, for example. 97 00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:25,980 Now, what do we notice? 98 00:07:26,860 --> 00:07:28,900 Well, first, they've got three legs. 99 00:07:31,060 --> 00:07:32,540 That's, of course, just to be on the safe side. 100 00:07:33,380 --> 00:07:36,140 Unless you live in the King's Road, in which case there's no safe side. 101 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,540 Trousers are going up alarmingly. Now, what does this give us, apart from a 102 00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:42,540 voice? 103 00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:49,540 It means in seven years' time, only millionaires will be still wearing the 104 00:07:49,540 --> 00:07:51,420 trousers. And, of course, my wife. 105 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,120 Now, let us look upskirts. 106 00:07:57,140 --> 00:08:01,640 They are going up faster than trousers. And, of course, Y -fronts are out of all 107 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:02,640 proportion. 108 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,200 The trouble is, you see, the trouble is that the pound is no longer worth the 109 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,700 paper it's printed on. In fact, if you take your pound to a scrap paper 110 00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:11,240 merchant, he'll give you three pounds for it. 111 00:08:11,940 --> 00:08:16,160 By 1984, paper hankies will be six pounds each, so it'll be cheaper to blow 112 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,160 nose on a fiver. 113 00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:20,920 But what about the government, I hear someone ask, but not quite as politely 114 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:25,140 that. Well, take me, for example. The fact is, my secretary, Miss Rita 115 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,580 and myself have barely got two pennies to rub between us. 116 00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:29,140 Let me try, then. 117 00:08:32,330 --> 00:08:33,149 Fun, isn't it? 118 00:08:33,150 --> 00:08:37,630 But what are we in the government going to do about this crisis? Quite simple. 119 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:38,850 We're going to resign. 120 00:08:40,470 --> 00:08:44,090 But meanwhile, certain economies will have to be made. First, let me tell you 121 00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:45,290 about the system known as barter. 122 00:08:45,830 --> 00:08:50,110 As all paper is now useless, I wrote a check on this hot water bottle. It's 123 00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:51,530 in the pocket, smells nice. 124 00:08:51,870 --> 00:08:53,230 Oh, if you like that sort of thing. 125 00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:56,390 And unlike a check, it can't bounce. 126 00:08:58,750 --> 00:08:59,750 Well, only a bit. 127 00:08:59,950 --> 00:09:03,410 Another remedy is to use animals as money. Now, yesterday I went into a 128 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:06,590 restaurant where they make lovely dishes out of useless money. I had a nice 129 00:09:06,590 --> 00:09:13,590 meal. I had fried fibres, peas and half -peas, with a crisp... Not 130 00:09:13,590 --> 00:09:18,350 split peas, half -peas. With a crisp pound -note salad. All I had in my 131 00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:19,350 was a couple of rabbits. 132 00:09:19,570 --> 00:09:21,170 So I gave the waiter seven of them. 133 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,870 I said, waiter, there's a fly in my soup. He said, that's your change. 134 00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:30,550 How does it all work? 135 00:09:30,910 --> 00:09:32,130 Now, take my wife. 136 00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:34,430 She's worth a cow and a sheep. 137 00:09:35,810 --> 00:09:37,150 My mother -in -law, just a cow. 138 00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:42,990 They could buy each other and I'd be left with the sheep. And I could then 139 00:09:42,990 --> 00:09:45,990 the sheep on a horse and win 10 ,000 hamsters and the 2 ,000 guinea pigs at 140 00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:46,990 Kempton Park. 141 00:09:48,570 --> 00:09:50,050 Dogs could also be used. 142 00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:52,190 Now, here is a rough example. 143 00:09:53,130 --> 00:09:55,370 And here is a smooth example. 144 00:09:57,390 --> 00:10:02,650 The system, of course, would be decimal, ten poms to the poodle, ten poodles to 145 00:10:02,650 --> 00:10:05,130 the puddle, and a hundred dog peas in the dog pile. 146 00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:13,110 The whole thing is catching on. Only today at Christie's a constable went for 147 00:10:13,110 --> 00:10:15,070 Great Dane, and a Great Dane went for a postman. 148 00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:19,730 However, I have suggested an even simpler system, and the chance of the 149 00:10:19,730 --> 00:10:21,330 exchequer has given me his full support. 150 00:10:21,980 --> 00:10:23,440 Though what it's full of, I can't tell you. 151 00:10:24,980 --> 00:10:27,920 Inflation has caused shares to drop, prices have gone up and living standards 152 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,300 have come down. Therefore, my remedy is to reverse all the present trends. 153 00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:35,700 We've got to pick ourselves down, stand on our own two hands and undo our own 154 00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:36,700 things. Good night. 155 00:10:58,620 --> 00:11:00,380 We'll be right back. 156 00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:23,780 We'll be right back. 157 00:11:41,420 --> 00:11:45,100 He took his place with Coleman Hawkins, Joseph uttered Swinging, singing, 158 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:49,500 trumpet master, praising ideas that much faster Homesick for his little deaf 159 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:54,790 Chicago He went back and set up the classic hot pipe Soon his fame 160 00:11:54,790 --> 00:11:58,770 the world was spreading. They were calling Cashmoe the greatest of life. 161 00:11:59,170 --> 00:12:04,370 And from a gnome he loved to blow. With cats like Louie, Russell, Zooty, the two 162 00:12:04,370 --> 00:12:05,370 dumb brothers. 163 00:12:05,470 --> 00:12:10,170 Recording time, snatching his pride. In misbehaving Basin Street and so many 164 00:12:10,170 --> 00:12:16,350 others. He let the all -stars all over the world in fact. 165 00:12:16,690 --> 00:12:18,890 History will call him ambassador. 166 00:12:19,330 --> 00:12:21,630 Doing his way to the hearts of the mankind. 167 00:12:22,730 --> 00:12:26,750 Thank you. 168 00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:18,980 And the famous, oh yeah! 169 00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:30,760 and straight after surgery. Thank you very much. Good morning. 170 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:33,560 Ah, 171 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,340 good morning. 172 00:13:35,580 --> 00:13:36,399 Morning, Doctor. 173 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,500 Would you mind just slipping behind the screen and stripping down to your bra 174 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:40,500 and pants, please? 175 00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:43,100 Oh, I can't, Doctor. It's so embarrassing. 176 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,900 Oh, don't be so silly. 177 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,119 I'm a doctor. 178 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,640 I've got hundreds of patients outside waiting to see me now. Please, hurry up 179 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:50,640 and let's have no nonsense. 180 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:51,840 Oh, very well, Doctor. 181 00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:53,140 It's gracious of me. 182 00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,240 I'll have a next. 183 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:57,760 Morning. 184 00:13:59,150 --> 00:13:59,989 I like it. 185 00:13:59,990 --> 00:14:02,590 Now, perhaps we can get on with some work. Take a letter, would you please, 186 00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:03,590 Williams? 187 00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:32,660 The Clumsy Drug Affair. 188 00:14:33,620 --> 00:14:37,560 Piggy and Charlie, having tracked the gang to Marseilles, had managed to 189 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:42,280 a map of the villain's hideout, drawn on a pair of ladies' panties. But even as 190 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,880 they studied the contours, the beautiful owner of the aforementioned 191 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:50,800 unmentionables was planning to give our two heroes a dose of the dreaded clumsy 192 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,180 drug itself, planted inside the speciality of the house. 193 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,560 At the panty does dance. 194 00:14:57,050 --> 00:15:01,390 Piggy and Charlie, disguised as the two villains, were confronted by the real 195 00:15:01,390 --> 00:15:02,390 villains themselves. 196 00:15:02,690 --> 00:15:04,250 And the balloon went up. 197 00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,010 Piggy alone ate the cake. 198 00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:13,890 And now the awful effects began to show themselves as the loyal Charlie helped 199 00:15:13,890 --> 00:15:15,490 him back to their hotel bedroom. 200 00:15:16,610 --> 00:15:17,610 Come in, Chief. 201 00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:19,210 Oh, we're calling. 202 00:15:19,730 --> 00:15:20,730 Oh, dear. 203 00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:25,980 Look, you... You'd better sit down. I mean, this drug's obviously got some 204 00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:26,959 powerful effects. 205 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:27,960 Yeah. Sweet. 206 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,160 Sorry. 207 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,059 All right. 208 00:15:34,060 --> 00:15:34,699 All right. 209 00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:35,780 Sit down now. That's it. 210 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,660 Has it hurt at all? No, no, it doesn't hurt. No, it's just basically difficult 211 00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:44,100 to control your movement. That's all, isn't it? 212 00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:51,940 Well, according to London, it only lasts a short while. Yeah. Matter of fact, I 213 00:15:51,940 --> 00:15:52,940 think it's wearing off already. 214 00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:58,560 Never mind. I've ordered you a drink. I'll go in and get this stuff off my 215 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,020 and I'll come out and help you to bed. 216 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,119 You see, this drug's got some very powerful side effects. 217 00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:10,520 Yeah. Got some pretty horrible front effects and all. 218 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:20,400 We'll just sit down there and we'll get all ten... What's that? 219 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,440 Notes. 220 00:17:23,599 --> 00:17:24,800 From Madame Cocotte. 221 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:30,280 I am in deadly danger. Meet me at midnight in the El Fatale Cub. 222 00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:32,680 17. Rude remarks. 223 00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:39,539 Arab quarter. 224 00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:43,120 Wait for me there, please, please. 225 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:48,140 Then in a private room, I will reveal everything to you. 226 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,780 Put like that, we can hardly refuse, can we? 227 00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:52,700 I think you're fit enough, you know. 228 00:17:53,060 --> 00:17:55,680 I mean, you know, still a bit clumsy. 229 00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:57,900 All right, two hours yet, isn't it, that? 230 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,360 Oh, it'll have worn off by then. 231 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:00,920 There we are, then. 232 00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:06,520 For the sake of that poor, unprotected, magnificently built woman, we will go. 233 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,740 To the El Fatale Club. 234 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:41,280 Two light ales, please. 235 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,080 Can we eat something? 236 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:44,180 A 237 00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:53,700 bit 238 00:18:53,700 --> 00:19:03,520 of 239 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,320 a dump, this, isn't it? A real den of iniquity. 240 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:11,120 This is the place where that American beauty queen had a few drinks, took off 241 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,300 her blouse and danced topless. 242 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:15,160 Didn't you read it in the papers? 243 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,420 She said she only did it for the last. 244 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,180 Did she get any? She attracted a couple of titties. 245 00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:55,410 What do you want to do that for? 246 00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:57,310 Oh, I'm sorry, Chief. I couldn't help it. 247 00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:58,830 My God. 248 00:19:59,330 --> 00:20:01,270 They've drugged the drinks. Are you all right? 249 00:20:01,530 --> 00:20:02,550 This drink's all right. 250 00:20:02,830 --> 00:20:04,390 But you're acting clumsy, aren't you? 251 00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:05,650 That's not the drug. 252 00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,870 I just am clumsy sometimes. 253 00:20:09,030 --> 00:20:11,470 Just naturally clumsy, you know. Oh, I see. 254 00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:31,220 Those stupid fools have arrived. 255 00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,580 They've walked right into the trap. 256 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,840 All we have to do now is to cross in on them. 257 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:40,480 Be patient, my dear Bob Job. Give it time, give it time. 258 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:45,660 Our dear Madame Cocotte has to set things up at the villa. 259 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:51,759 What's this? 260 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:52,760 You ordered. 261 00:20:56,620 --> 00:20:58,560 It's a long time since I've had light ale in Germany. 262 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,040 Nice. 263 00:21:01,180 --> 00:21:04,320 You must expect strange messes in these sort of exotic places, you know. 264 00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:46,900 I've gone off it now. 265 00:22:03,980 --> 00:22:05,120 Who's that woman got to? 266 00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:09,360 She's probably pouring herself into one of those low -cut dresses she wears. 267 00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:11,600 What, you mean like her over there? 268 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:17,620 You don't get many of those for the pound. 269 00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:22,260 I wonder what's holding her up. 270 00:22:23,060 --> 00:22:24,260 What, didn't that go over there? 271 00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:28,140 No, I mean Madame Cocotte. 272 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:29,480 Oh, nothing. 273 00:22:30,460 --> 00:22:31,460 Oh, well. 274 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,340 I'm seeing her in an equijet. 275 00:22:36,260 --> 00:22:38,020 I mean, why is she late? 276 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:39,680 Oh. 277 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:44,320 Hey, Chief, do you think we look a bit sparse in here, a bit suspicious -like? 278 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:45,880 Yeah, it's probably all right. 279 00:22:46,860 --> 00:22:48,000 Perhaps we'd better have a dance. 280 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,440 You'd be even more suspicious. 281 00:22:50,780 --> 00:22:52,340 You'd be arrested for that sort of thing here, you know. 282 00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:57,340 I didn't mean together. 283 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:03,000 I meant pick out a couple of birds. 284 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:05,660 Frankly, I don't advise it. 285 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,500 Why? The only two birds that aren't dancing are sitting over there. 286 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:14,320 Oh, dear. 287 00:23:15,139 --> 00:23:16,200 Yeah, they're men, aren't they? 288 00:23:17,220 --> 00:23:18,220 I don't know. 289 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:23,280 Wouldn't fancy trying to find out. It'd be a terrible disappointment either way. 290 00:23:25,660 --> 00:23:26,800 I'm sure they're fellas. 291 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,120 Look, they're moving. 292 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,340 Just shows you how wrong you can be, doesn't it? 293 00:23:40,580 --> 00:23:43,520 Still don't fancy tripping the light fantastic round the dance floor with 294 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:44,560 though. 295 00:24:06,139 --> 00:24:07,400 She's obviously not coming. 296 00:24:08,020 --> 00:24:09,120 Something's happened to her. 297 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,660 Come on, let's go. 298 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,520 I've had a bellyful of this place. 299 00:24:36,010 --> 00:24:37,330 Have you a light, monsieur? 300 00:24:43,630 --> 00:24:46,590 Is this the end for our two heroes? 301 00:24:46,870 --> 00:24:50,950 What of Madame Cotlot? Is she in some bedroom somewhere, lying in wait with a 302 00:24:50,950 --> 00:24:53,370 silencer? Or lying in silence with a waiter? 303 00:24:54,850 --> 00:24:59,510 Find out next week in another exciting episode, Villa of a Villainy. 304 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:10,640 Here is a very funny joke that will make you laugh. 305 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,920 Well, I don't suppose it will make everybody laugh. 306 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:18,360 I mean, that, as I have said before, from this very chair, is a matter of 307 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:23,120 circumstances. I mean, if your wife has gone off to her pottery class and left 308 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:28,700 you at home explaining the Kama Sutra to the Swedish au pair, then we won't get 309 00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:30,380 much change out of you until the epilogue. 310 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,900 but good luck and try not to break anything. 311 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:42,380 Now, I found this joke, I'll be honest, I found this joke when I was browsing 312 00:25:42,380 --> 00:25:48,380 through the Reader's Digest, November 1947, and I read it between an article 313 00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:52,480 entitled I Neglected My Spleen and My Kneecaps Fell Off and 314 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:59,420 a very interesting piece about a lady who brought up a 315 00:25:59,420 --> 00:26:03,340 family of 14 with one hand while waiting for director inquiries. 316 00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:16,330 few letters about that one. Now, this joke, this joke is actually the first 317 00:26:16,330 --> 00:26:18,990 story I ever told when I came into show business. 318 00:26:19,230 --> 00:26:22,790 Now, I went into show business, you know, when my father's business went 319 00:26:23,130 --> 00:26:25,110 He was running a damaged pet shop. 320 00:26:27,230 --> 00:26:31,790 You know, you could go in and you could go in and get, you know, a flat 321 00:26:31,790 --> 00:26:32,790 hedgehog. 322 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:48,620 And if two cats collided, he would collect what was left and try and make 323 00:26:48,620 --> 00:26:49,620 good one. 324 00:26:51,780 --> 00:26:55,620 However, I say, I actually told this joke at my very first stage appearance, 325 00:26:55,900 --> 00:27:00,160 which was at a little night spot in downtown Stoke Poges. 326 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:06,080 The St John's Women's Institute, our go -go, it was called. 327 00:27:07,340 --> 00:27:10,720 We used to get a pretty motley crowd in there, you know, mostly. 328 00:27:11,530 --> 00:27:13,390 Cigarette smokers and aspirin drinkers. 329 00:27:15,030 --> 00:27:17,570 With a sprinkling of centipod drinkers. 330 00:27:18,570 --> 00:27:19,570 On the run. 331 00:27:22,730 --> 00:27:25,230 And the heavy mob from Weight Watchers. 332 00:27:26,610 --> 00:27:32,230 Now, if you... One 333 00:27:32,230 --> 00:27:36,090 of the centipod drinkers trying to get out. 334 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,520 If you were known in this club, you could sometimes buy, you know, a hot 335 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:14,540 knitting pattern or a... or a packet of saucy brass rubbings. 336 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:19,580 And if you didn't care to watch the cabaret and you fancied a little 337 00:28:19,700 --> 00:28:24,480 you could go upstairs to the Doris Archer room, which incidentally was 338 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:30,200 renamed the Arthur Stomp Weasel Suite as a mark of respect for the old caretaker 339 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,820 who was accidentally locked in all night with the scoutmaster. 340 00:28:36,010 --> 00:28:37,350 And it's never been the same since. 341 00:28:38,270 --> 00:28:39,630 Or never been the same since. 342 00:28:40,910 --> 00:28:42,370 Lots of letters about that as well. 343 00:28:44,090 --> 00:28:48,770 Some say it was an accident and some say it was done on purpose because he was 344 00:28:48,770 --> 00:28:50,690 suspected of being a traffic warden's narc. 345 00:28:52,250 --> 00:28:57,690 I remember the gaming room very, very clearly. 346 00:28:58,210 --> 00:29:01,290 It was just opened and they were very, very short of equipment. 347 00:29:01,870 --> 00:29:07,110 Good heavens. I saw a chap call abundance declare on six, seven, eight 348 00:29:07,330 --> 00:29:09,790 three beer mats, two Ravitas and a Marley Tire. 349 00:29:12,570 --> 00:29:18,290 Anyway, all that is really nothing to do with what I set out to tell you. 350 00:29:18,570 --> 00:29:21,270 I seem to have wandered from the point a bit. 351 00:29:21,630 --> 00:29:24,050 Sometimes I wish I'd kept on that course. 352 00:29:24,710 --> 00:29:26,650 I took the course once in positive thinking. 353 00:29:29,180 --> 00:29:31,660 Did it for two years, and I couldn't make up my mind whether to stay on or 354 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:37,920 At last, I've got it. 355 00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:45,420 And I also remember the joke. Well, the story concerns a lady who advertised for 356 00:29:45,420 --> 00:29:46,279 a handyman. 357 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:49,420 And a chap turned up, and she said, now, she said, I shall want you to look 358 00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:51,400 after the garden and paint the garage. 359 00:29:51,780 --> 00:29:55,940 And he said, well, I'm sorry, I don't do gardening on account of my back, and I 360 00:29:55,940 --> 00:29:58,280 am allergic to paint. She said, well... 361 00:29:58,610 --> 00:29:59,810 Could you mend the fence? 362 00:30:00,050 --> 00:30:02,630 He said, well, he said, that's carpentry, isn't it? He said, I don't 363 00:30:02,630 --> 00:30:06,470 carpentry. She said, well, could you, you could clean the windows. 364 00:30:07,170 --> 00:30:10,330 Well, he said, no, he said, I might fall off the ladder and kill myself, you 365 00:30:10,330 --> 00:30:11,149 know. 366 00:30:11,150 --> 00:30:13,310 I don't want to do that because I'm all I've got. 367 00:30:14,790 --> 00:30:18,150 She said, well, my good man, he said, I don't, she said, I don't wish to hurt 368 00:30:18,150 --> 00:30:20,850 your feeling, she said, but to be perfectly frank. 369 00:30:21,370 --> 00:30:25,730 You seem to me to be about as much good as a glass eye or a joke book at a 370 00:30:25,730 --> 00:30:26,730 funeral. 371 00:30:27,270 --> 00:30:32,510 She said to him, what makes you think you're so handy? 372 00:30:32,910 --> 00:30:34,750 He said, well, I only live round the corner. 373 00:31:01,370 --> 00:31:02,370 Thank you, thank you. 374 00:31:03,030 --> 00:31:07,210 Just a quick word before we start off. Due to circumstances beyond his control, 375 00:31:07,290 --> 00:31:12,450 the lad who was playing the part of Rodney had to get married on Saturday 376 00:31:12,450 --> 00:31:14,870 at this moment having a wonderful time up a Swiss Alp. 377 00:31:16,450 --> 00:31:20,850 George Biggins, however, has agreed to play the part at an hour's notice and 378 00:31:20,850 --> 00:31:22,130 shut the butcher shop early especially. 379 00:31:23,110 --> 00:31:26,810 My wife's still playing one of the lovers, so we hope for a bit of fun 380 00:31:27,590 --> 00:31:31,820 By the by, if there are any men, who wish to join the Dramatic Society. Not 381 00:31:31,820 --> 00:31:33,940 women. I've got enough of those to last me a lifetime. 382 00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:35,480 They're just men. 383 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,280 Please see me after the performance backstage, will you? 384 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:39,600 If you can get round. 385 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:41,400 No room to swing a cat back here. 386 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,000 Young Trevor will have to find another hobby. 387 00:31:45,180 --> 00:31:46,760 We've painted all the scenery ourselves. 388 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:49,060 Right, on we go then. Let's get on with it, could we? Thank you. 389 00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:50,420 Right, let's get on. 390 00:32:05,230 --> 00:32:06,230 Something's on the table. 391 00:32:22,150 --> 00:32:26,650 So, this is the elegant Mayfair flat I've heard so much about. 392 00:32:28,390 --> 00:32:29,490 It's beautiful. 393 00:32:30,110 --> 00:32:34,310 Tell me, what's it like being a successful novelist, Charles? 394 00:32:44,650 --> 00:32:45,650 at the same time. 395 00:32:51,030 --> 00:32:53,110 Money isn't everything, darling. 396 00:32:53,730 --> 00:32:54,730 Money? 397 00:32:58,150 --> 00:33:03,170 Money cannot bring happiness, but it enables you to be miserable in comfort. 398 00:33:05,010 --> 00:33:07,050 What has money brought me, dear? 399 00:33:07,390 --> 00:33:09,210 You've got your yacht in camp. 400 00:33:09,750 --> 00:33:12,410 Oh, you're so lucky. You can lie on the... 401 00:33:13,770 --> 00:33:14,770 Oh, summer. 402 00:33:14,870 --> 00:33:15,870 Heaven. 403 00:33:17,210 --> 00:33:19,590 I get tired of lying in cans. 404 00:33:22,610 --> 00:33:24,950 One feels so like a sardine. 405 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:37,659 He's miles away up at Oxford. 406 00:34:40,219 --> 00:34:41,880 Master Radley, sir. 407 00:34:42,300 --> 00:34:43,300 Good heavens. 408 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:44,800 What? 409 00:34:45,739 --> 00:34:46,739 Hello, 410 00:34:51,659 --> 00:34:52,659 Pops. 411 00:34:53,060 --> 00:34:54,900 Radley, why are you not up at Oxford? 412 00:34:55,219 --> 00:34:57,860 They sent me down, Pops. Dash rotten. 413 00:34:58,200 --> 00:34:59,220 Look, wasn't it? 414 00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:10,800 person like you by pushing you aside in such a way. Like that. 415 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:17,460 How dare they put a sensitive person aside? 416 00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:21,600 I mean, they know you must be... I mean, they treat you... Thank you very much. 417 00:35:21,700 --> 00:35:26,260 They treat you as though you're some... Treat you as though you're some country 418 00:35:26,260 --> 00:35:27,260 bumpkin. 419 00:35:28,420 --> 00:35:30,140 Cynthia will mix you a cocktail. 420 00:35:46,630 --> 00:35:49,270 I thought I'd never see you again. 421 00:35:49,870 --> 00:35:54,510 Charles, your father doesn't know about us, does he? 422 00:35:54,850 --> 00:35:55,850 I've told him. 423 00:35:56,730 --> 00:35:58,070 I've told him nothing. 424 00:36:20,970 --> 00:36:24,470 Well, as long as it's a little one, I'm not really old enough. 425 00:36:30,270 --> 00:36:31,450 Er, no. 426 00:36:31,750 --> 00:36:32,750 What? 427 00:36:33,790 --> 00:36:39,730 We both know what we were doing. We both know that. We both know what we were 428 00:36:39,730 --> 00:36:40,730 doing. 429 00:37:15,259 --> 00:37:16,259 disconnected. Knockers! 430 00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:23,220 If you want people to leave you alone, you should have your knockers 431 00:37:23,220 --> 00:37:24,220 disconnected. 432 00:37:47,700 --> 00:37:48,700 forever. 433 00:37:49,020 --> 00:37:50,780 I don't know where to start. 434 00:37:51,740 --> 00:37:52,740 Turn over. 435 00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,640 What a curious expression, Snithier. 436 00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:09,920 I'm going to look for my son and tell him that his Cynthia's flat out on the 437 00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:15,280 sofa, on top of which his son is behaving very underhanded behind his 438 00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:16,660 under his very nose. 439 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:01,560 So this is the end. 440 00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:34,160 this old girl. 441 00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:38,660 I am her husband, Gaston Gerard, at your service. 442 00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:45,000 I come from France. 443 00:40:45,420 --> 00:40:46,960 Did you not get my letter? 444 00:40:47,500 --> 00:40:52,700 Husband? Oh, it's true. I've deceived you. You, Rodney, your father, your 445 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:56,540 grandfather. But I don't care. All I wanted was adventure. 446 00:40:57,080 --> 00:41:00,000 Oh, well, if that's how things are, then I am off. 447 00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:02,520 I'm going back to somewhere. 448 00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:04,300 Well, I know I'm always welcome. 449 00:41:41,770 --> 00:41:42,770 you again. 450 00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:35,600 Well, that's all for this week. Next week, we'll have an excerpt from the new 451 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:42,340 grand opera, Eskimo Nell, in which a 17 -stone contralto sings, You're tiny and 452 00:42:42,340 --> 00:42:43,340 it's frozen. 453 00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:53,360 And we'll have with us a very, very unlucky man. 454 00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:57,320 He crossed an enormous pear tree with a couple of blue tits. 455 00:43:01,100 --> 00:43:02,660 enormous pair of blue trees. 456 00:43:07,580 --> 00:43:10,780 But here's the late news. 457 00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:15,880 Streakers in the greater London area are now being faced with Scotland Yard's 458 00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:18,740 latest countermeasure, police dogs with wet noses. 459 00:43:21,100 --> 00:43:24,560 And at this evening's meeting of the Clock and Watchmakers Federation, the 460 00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,820 chairman was given a big hand, the vice -chairman a little hand, and the meeting 461 00:43:27,820 --> 00:43:28,820 was round up. 462 00:43:30,730 --> 00:43:34,790 News from the courts. British Rail won their case against a party of rabbis 463 00:43:34,790 --> 00:43:38,570 today. They claimed that though they were the children of Israel, this did 464 00:43:38,570 --> 00:43:40,150 entitle them to travel half -fair. 465 00:43:44,410 --> 00:43:48,450 And in the divorce court, a man told the judge that his wife, an enthusiastic 466 00:43:48,450 --> 00:43:52,770 traffic warden, had painted double yellow lines around her waist and had 467 00:43:52,770 --> 00:43:54,330 him 15 times already this month. 468 00:43:55,850 --> 00:43:59,030 He didn't mind paying the fines, but he did object when she kept towing him 469 00:43:59,030 --> 00:44:00,030 away. 470 00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:06,540 Well, that's all we have time for this week, so it's goodnight from me. And 471 00:44:06,540 --> 00:44:07,540 goodnight from him. Goodnight.