1
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,400
Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

2
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,659
in a packed programme tonight, we shall find out what it's like to act as a

3
00:00:32,659 --> 00:00:36,680
stand -in for Raquel Welch in a special interview with Jule Brunner and Telly

4
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:37,680
Savalas.

5
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:45,560
Then we'll hear the band of the royal cross -eyed goons who play the dance of

6
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:49,740
the sugarplum sailor, followed by what shall we do with the drunken fairy.

7
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:55,780
And we'll even be talking to a man who crossed a food mixer with a nymphomaniac

8
00:00:55,780 --> 00:00:58,020
with a lisp and got a girl who'll whisk anything.

9
00:01:02,260 --> 00:01:06,200
But first, first the news.

10
00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:12,260
Uganda. At the state dinner to welcome the German delegation today, General

11
00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:17,040
Armin ate a hamburger, two frankfurters and three young men from Heidelberg.

12
00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:22,620
The government have at last announced their plans for shortening the dole

13
00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:25,000
queues. They're asking the men to stand closer together.

14
00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:32,280
Despite the strike of car delivery drivers at British Leyland, the

15
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,820
car rolled off the assembly lines at four o 'clock today and fell onto a heap

16
00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:38,160
999 other cars.

17
00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:43,800
Go on, clap if you want to.

18
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:56,160
In the surgical ward of a London hospital today, a man complained that he

19
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,560
given the kidney of a giraffe and the liver of a female baboon.

20
00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:01,860
And for afters, he had prunes and custard.

21
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:13,520
The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a life

22
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,620
peerage. He'll be known as Lord of the Flies.

23
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,800
And now... And now a sketch.

24
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:27,270
about two workers in a ball -bearing factory in which I play a man who loses

25
00:02:27,270 --> 00:02:27,990
bearings...

26
00:02:27,990 --> 00:02:36,910
and

27
00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:40,730
I play a man... who

28
00:02:40,730 --> 00:02:44,530
loses his temper.

29
00:02:58,390 --> 00:02:59,510
Yes. Well,

30
00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:04,170
we'd like a meal, please.

31
00:03:05,990 --> 00:03:06,990
Two, is it?

32
00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:09,390
Yes, yes.

33
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:10,990
Have you booked?

34
00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:43,780
Could we have a look at the menu, please?

35
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,700
I'm a bleeding man, you know.

36
00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:54,320
Nice fork.

37
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,120
Oh, look.

38
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,960
The menu's shaped like a rook.

39
00:03:58,760 --> 00:03:59,960
It's the name of the restaurant, isn't it?

40
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,200
Complete Rook.

41
00:04:04,140 --> 00:04:07,720
Now, it's written sort of all different, isn't it? I don't know.

42
00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:09,220
Sorry,

43
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:10,500
I'm talking to my friend.

44
00:04:12,590 --> 00:04:13,590
Now, look.

45
00:04:15,050 --> 00:04:16,329
There's rook patty here.

46
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:19,670
Rook patty. Do you recommend the rook patty?

47
00:04:20,230 --> 00:04:21,709
Only when we've got a lot we want to get rid of.

48
00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:26,710
Well, it's honest, at least.

49
00:04:28,090 --> 00:04:29,170
What about soup of the day?

50
00:04:29,690 --> 00:04:31,330
What is the soup of the day? Rook soup.

51
00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:37,270
I expect it. I expect it's nicer than it sounds.

52
00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:39,330
Bleeding, isn't it?

53
00:04:42,670 --> 00:04:43,670
It sounds.

54
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:48,370
Have you ever had camel's liver marinated in rain for five days and then

55
00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:50,330
strained to a balaclava helmet by a pregnant yak?

56
00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,030
Yes, I think we had that in Morocco, didn't we?

57
00:04:54,590 --> 00:04:57,710
Surely not, darling. I'm not being serious. We didn't have it in Morocco.

58
00:04:57,930 --> 00:04:58,990
It was Tunis, wasn't it?

59
00:05:00,210 --> 00:05:03,770
No, no. No, tell me, why do you ask? Well, a rook suit's worse than that.

60
00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:06,850
Why did you recommend it? Well, it's going off.

61
00:05:08,290 --> 00:05:09,630
Beating freezes on the blink again.

62
00:05:11,330 --> 00:05:16,610
Look. I think the best idea is going to be to choose the main course, you know,

63
00:05:16,630 --> 00:05:19,170
and then sort of build round it. Yes, good idea.

64
00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:20,970
You know, then you know where you are.

65
00:05:21,330 --> 00:05:23,290
Because you find that, um...

66
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:35,850
There's,

67
00:05:35,850 --> 00:05:41,470
um... You see, there's, um... There's roast root.

68
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:42,760
Braised Rook.

69
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:43,960
Skinned Rook.

70
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:45,900
Stuffed Rook. What is this?

71
00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:48,840
Drakonai Buiyara Moja Toulouse. Bored Rook.

72
00:05:54,060 --> 00:05:57,300
Doesn't seem to be the sort of restaurant to come to if you don't like

73
00:05:58,820 --> 00:06:00,880
Not the sort of restaurant to come to if you do like Rook.

74
00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:04,220
Why is that?

75
00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:06,220
We serve bloody awful tough old Rooks, that's why.

76
00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:09,000
Full of lead shot, break your teeth on them terribly.

77
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,100
the chef has a magic touch with them.

78
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,140
Magic touch? Magic touch? What, a chef?

79
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,360
Don't make me laugh.

80
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:19,800
Too much of that. He's riffraff, he is. Too much of that. Too much of that.

81
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,040
Rubbish.

82
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:23,100
I'm the only bloke that keeps the tone of this place up.

83
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:32,660
Tell me, what is this? This fascinates me. Que de cornai nantua?

84
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,200
That's two rooks' tails stuffed in a shrimp sauce.

85
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,620
You must admit you haven't got a very varied menu.

86
00:06:40,410 --> 00:06:41,670
Nothing to crow over.

87
00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:50,230
I'm awfully sorry, but I read in the Reader's Diary, there's an article on

88
00:06:50,230 --> 00:06:52,230
to relieve tense situations with humour.

89
00:06:52,610 --> 00:06:53,750
Why don't you try it?

90
00:06:55,270 --> 00:06:56,610
You're going to make your own minds up, aren't you?

91
00:06:56,890 --> 00:06:58,290
I've got a lot of people waiting to serve you.

92
00:06:58,690 --> 00:07:03,690
Why don't we start with the sweet and work backwards? That's better, I think.

93
00:07:03,750 --> 00:07:06,210
Now, look, we've got ice cream there and ice cream there. Tell me, what kind of

94
00:07:06,210 --> 00:07:07,189
ice cream is this?

95
00:07:07,190 --> 00:07:08,190
Ripple and raspberry ripple.

96
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,260
I'm going to, I'm going to plump myself for the Rook cocktail, followed by roast

97
00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:19,280
Rook with the Rook meringue.

98
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:21,560
So will I. Without reading time at all.

99
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:29,160
We could just walk out. Oh, I don't like doing that. It's a complete Rook. Well,

100
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,420
the name of the restaurant told us that. We can't sue them under the trade

101
00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:34,520
description act. I mean, it's, we can't.

102
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:35,920
Sorry, Rook's off.

103
00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:39,580
What? Rook's off.

104
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,620
Oh, right, we'll go somewhere else. Thank you very much for all the trouble.

105
00:07:42,740 --> 00:07:45,600
We've already popped another little Chinese down the river. We've got a bit

106
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:50,840
stewed tortoise left, if you want to... Stewed tortoise? Well, why didn't you

107
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,280
say? We'll have stewed tortoise for two, lovely.

108
00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:55,960
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

109
00:07:56,260 --> 00:07:57,260
Two dinners.

110
00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:15,960
Good evening, hello, Scotch way, and up your haggis.

111
00:08:16,820 --> 00:08:18,280
I'm Scottish, by the way.

112
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:23,020
My name is Wee Willie McGobbles of the Clan McGobbles.

113
00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:28,220
My grandfather was the McGobbles of McGobbles, especially after the

114
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:35,900
Now, I am the president of the Institute of Scottish Tourism, or PIST.

115
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,700
get to Bonny, Scotland?

116
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,360
Well, let's just take a wee look at the map here.

117
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,360
There you are, you see.

118
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:55,500
First is the old -fashioned scenic route over the braes of Altnysporran by way

119
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:59,780
of the quilter's kilt, the cows' boots, the piles of coot and the quarts of

120
00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:00,780
milk.

121
00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:07,280
The inner sculty, where old Angus MacFongus can be found, clashing his

122
00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:09,740
tossing his caper and cocking his leekie.

123
00:09:13,230 --> 00:09:16,830
at the elephant and hag us in with Inverness Leal and others of that ilk.

124
00:09:17,430 --> 00:09:21,150
He'll row you across in his Gaelic skiff for the price of a packet of

125
00:09:21,150 --> 00:09:23,550
cigarettes, £5 .73p.

126
00:09:25,010 --> 00:09:27,230
Smokes balkan sobrani and buys them by the gross.

127
00:09:27,970 --> 00:09:32,210
You'll be wanting to take the road to the isles. Now you go up by Bannockburn,

128
00:09:32,470 --> 00:09:38,090
where in 1314 the patriot Robert the Bruce and his gallant clans routed the

129
00:09:38,090 --> 00:09:41,830
treacherous, lecherous English rabble who were sent to pillage our native

130
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:44,730
homelands, the illiterate, drunken, murderous thugs.

131
00:09:46,690 --> 00:09:48,830
You sure have a warm welcome there.

132
00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:56,750
You're going to visit the Bannockburn? burn in, where you can stand with your

133
00:09:56,750 --> 00:09:58,590
back to the fire and get your bannocks burned.

134
00:10:00,930 --> 00:10:05,590
You drive on past the modern fields of Flodden to the sodden field of Culloden.

135
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,530
You'll find a souvenir shop you can buy Dr.

136
00:10:08,730 --> 00:10:13,430
Hamish Kinley's book of Scottish portraits, known as Dr. Kinley's

137
00:10:14,410 --> 00:10:18,270
There's the great Scottish chef Macaroni, who invented McTurtle soup.

138
00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:20,470
There's the Celtic murderer Jock the Ripper.

139
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,560
And the famous fisherman Jock the Kipper.

140
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,480
And the smallest Scotsman that ever lived, Jock the Nipper.

141
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:29,620
Also the inventor of dentistry, Phil McCavity.

142
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,420
And that enigmatic lady from Dumfries, the Mona MacLisa.

143
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:43,720
Now, on the road to the Isles, if you drive round this 40 -mile -long stag's

144
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:44,740
block in the road here...

145
00:10:45,150 --> 00:10:49,210
You can visit the birthplace of lovely Flora MacDonald, the flower of the

146
00:10:49,210 --> 00:10:53,430
Hebrides, and the even lovelier Flora MacDougall, the self -raising flower.

147
00:10:55,550 --> 00:10:58,610
So if you're looking for a tartan trousers, she's one.

148
00:11:04,210 --> 00:11:08,330
I must warn you that once in a while, you will meet hostility from the

149
00:11:08,330 --> 00:11:11,110
natives. Just because you're English blackheads.

150
00:11:11,550 --> 00:11:14,850
Over seven centuries of care, nothing but Scotland has now plundered our

151
00:11:14,850 --> 00:11:18,490
Scottish oil, leaving us moggish as a kilt guard around the English.

152
00:11:18,790 --> 00:11:21,710
May they fester with boils in the nethermost regions of hell.

153
00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:26,030
You'll never see Scotland in the World Cup after the bloody Sassanacs didn't

154
00:11:26,030 --> 00:11:27,030
even reach the last 60.

155
00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:35,830
Occasionally, when you ask for a wee dram of whisky, you may get given a

156
00:11:35,830 --> 00:11:40,210
of Rory MacDonald's Revenge, which is one part of rancid haggis.

157
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:45,500
One part of distilled ptarmigan, which begins with a P, and you'd be advised to

158
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:46,500
do the same.

159
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:54,780
Finally, one part of stagnant bog water, strained in the tross box, which is

160
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:55,780
sorely painful.

161
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,700
And you may be asked to drink the health of the great Piper McGroon, who was

162
00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:02,260
immortalised by the Jewish poet, Rabbi Burns.

163
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:06,400
Oh, shlick it to Piper McGroon.

164
00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:08,180
We're here for the...

165
00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:13,440
the scar of his pipe and the swell of his kilt, and the smell of his breath

166
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,440
knocks you down.

167
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,360
Well, that's Scotland for the new, the new, the new, the new.

168
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,060
And that is the end of the news.

169
00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:24,940
Next week, my colleague, Evan Up, Seven Up Jenkins of Wales, will tell you how

170
00:12:24,940 --> 00:12:29,880
the filthy English in Venus plundered and ravished this fair native sod, took

171
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:34,060
the women from his homestead, the cattle from his farmstead, and the knobs off

172
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:35,060
his bedstead.

173
00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:37,420
The filthy Saturdays, yeah.

174
00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:03,640
What are you doing the rest of

175
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:10,380
your life North and south

176
00:13:10,380 --> 00:13:13,800
and east and west of your life

177
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:43,280
In the times of your days.

178
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:46,800
Let the reason.

179
00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:25,750
Take a kiss.

180
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:57,460
The sordid affair of the clumsy drug which had led our two ill -fated

181
00:16:57,460 --> 00:16:59,820
to Marseilles was drawing to a close.

182
00:17:00,380 --> 00:17:07,359
The villains, one dead and one half -dead, were no

183
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:08,359
longer a problem.

184
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:13,220
All that remained now was to get hold of the formula. A difficult, dangerous,

185
00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:18,060
but not unpleasant task, bearing in mind that it was written on a pair of

186
00:17:18,060 --> 00:17:20,520
panties worn by the woman in the car ahead of them.

187
00:17:22,890 --> 00:17:25,810
Tiggy was already bearing it in mind as they gave chase.

188
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:14,620
you got her. I got her.

189
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:16,140
Look, here they are.

190
00:21:16,940 --> 00:21:17,940
There's the formula.

191
00:21:19,260 --> 00:21:25,820
Then who... I'm terribly sorry, miss.

192
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:28,960
You see, I was looking for the formula.

193
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,820
His face kicked in. Where is she now then, locked in?

194
00:21:55,660 --> 00:21:56,660
No need.

195
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:58,480
Poor kid.

196
00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:00,400
She never stood a chance.

197
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:02,820
Why, what happened?

198
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:04,760
She hit me with a pillow and it burst.

199
00:22:05,340 --> 00:22:07,000
The whole room was filled with feathers.

200
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:09,020
Feathers floating about everywhere.

201
00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:14,040
Do you mean... She was tickled to death?

202
00:22:22,990 --> 00:22:27,610
behind them the sleepless nightmare of the past few days, our heroes returned

203
00:22:27,610 --> 00:22:33,150
London where a new chief of MI6, accompanied by the ever -faithful Miss

204
00:22:33,230 --> 00:22:34,770
waited to greet them.

205
00:22:35,450 --> 00:22:36,530
They're back, sir.

206
00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:37,850
I'll show them in.

207
00:22:43,190 --> 00:22:45,050
Oh, how do you do? P .G. Malone.

208
00:22:45,570 --> 00:22:46,570
Charles Farley.

209
00:22:46,730 --> 00:22:48,070
Ah. Hmm?

210
00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:49,449
I'm R.

211
00:22:49,450 --> 00:22:50,810
Oh? Where's Q?

212
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,160
They've gone sick. They've gone daft.

213
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,060
Anyone would go daft in this job.

214
00:22:56,540 --> 00:23:00,160
Don't worry. Don't worry. Your worries are over. We have found the formula.

215
00:23:00,780 --> 00:23:02,620
What formula? The clumsy drug. Look.

216
00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:04,240
Oh, to hell with that.

217
00:23:04,540 --> 00:23:06,380
He's out of date, old boy.

218
00:23:06,900 --> 00:23:08,200
This is a new menace now.

219
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,900
I don't know where it's going to end. It's sweeping through the country.

220
00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:13,980
politicians, TV personalities, anyone in the public eye.

221
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:15,840
I've been looking at these recordings.

222
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,740
Well, what's happened to all these people then? Look.

223
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,400
They're ahead of us.

224
00:23:23,370 --> 00:23:26,430
final at Wembley next week, followed by the Rugby League Cup final the following

225
00:23:26,430 --> 00:23:29,770
Saturday, and then a whole week of soccer with the International Football

226
00:23:29,770 --> 00:23:33,010
Championship. That's it. Just before I go, by the way, one late football result

227
00:23:33,010 --> 00:23:35,950
from Scotland, a 3 -5 -5 4 -4 -4.

228
00:23:36,150 --> 00:23:37,450
That's it. More of us. Goodbye.

229
00:23:38,030 --> 00:23:39,470
The same on BBC 2, too.

230
00:23:41,610 --> 00:23:43,350
...and in some cases, loops.

231
00:23:43,850 --> 00:23:49,350
For instance, the French Marigold will go from seed, and the seed's only in

232
00:23:49,350 --> 00:23:51,510
March, otherwise, we get nowhere.

233
00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:58,720
And the seedlings are flipped into boxes, gradually hardened off, and then

234
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:02,820
planted at the end of May, early June, when the fear of frost has gone.

235
00:24:03,220 --> 00:24:04,640
Do you think they're all becoming invisible?

236
00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:06,500
As soon as they appear on TV,

237
00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:10,240
Wilson's gone, Callaghan's gone, Thorpe's gone.

238
00:24:10,780 --> 00:24:13,440
Well, who's Prime Minister at the moment, then? Michael Parkinson.

239
00:24:16,260 --> 00:24:20,000
Shaw Taylor disappeared a moment ago on Police 5. There's no trace of him.

240
00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:21,420
Perhaps he was stolen.

241
00:24:24,780 --> 00:24:26,420
Someone's putting something in the tea.

242
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:31,060
What? Everybody drinks tea when they go to a television studio, don't they? It's

243
00:24:31,060 --> 00:24:32,060
the TV tea.

244
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,680
Someone's putting something in the television tea.

245
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:36,220
It's possible, I suppose.

246
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:39,160
What do you think, Joey?

247
00:24:40,380 --> 00:24:41,380
It's the only answer.

248
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,480
Of course it is, but I mean, why?

249
00:24:44,060 --> 00:24:45,060
What's the point?

250
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:50,680
I don't know.

251
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,320
Foolish, I suppose. Like the clumsy drug. How can you look foolish if you're

252
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:58,320
invisible?

253
00:24:58,460 --> 00:24:59,259
That's the point.

254
00:24:59,260 --> 00:25:00,260
It's got you there, Chief.

255
00:25:00,580 --> 00:25:02,180
Well, feel foolish, then.

256
00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,460
I grant you that.

257
00:25:03,940 --> 00:25:05,060
Well, what do you want us to do then?

258
00:25:05,260 --> 00:25:06,400
Well, start it once. Get out and about.

259
00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:08,060
See if you can find a few new contacts.

260
00:25:08,820 --> 00:25:09,820
Right.

261
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,340
Well, here we go again.

262
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:50,040
Games to play.

263
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:52,780
Greetings to my birthday boy.

264
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:54,780
You're 46 today.

265
00:27:57,940 --> 00:28:00,540
Come in, come in. Ah, Arthur Jones.

266
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,580
Good morning. How are you? Sit down, sit down and hurry up. I've lots of work to

267
00:28:04,580 --> 00:28:08,280
do. I'm sorry to disturb you, George. That's quite all right, old lad.

268
00:28:08,540 --> 00:28:11,620
Now, now, come, come. Don't look so glum. I'm sure it's not that bad.

269
00:28:12,620 --> 00:28:16,400
It's just that I've been thinking, and I've just come into state, we shouldn't

270
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:18,620
go on using rhymes on cars.

271
00:28:18,890 --> 00:28:19,890
It's out of date.

272
00:28:20,150 --> 00:28:24,130
What? Not use rhymes on birthday cards? Come, have you lost your mind?

273
00:28:24,430 --> 00:28:28,010
Now, please don't waste my time, lad. You can see Miss Green's behind.

274
00:28:30,050 --> 00:28:34,470
You see, you even speak in verse. It could destroy your health. This thing

275
00:28:34,470 --> 00:28:36,530
gone from bad to worse. I'm doing it myself.

276
00:28:39,030 --> 00:28:43,130
I say, now, now, there's no need to exaggerate, old chap.

277
00:28:43,350 --> 00:28:46,590
I do not always speak in rhyme. That's just a load of rubbish.

278
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:51,940
without a rhyme.

279
00:28:52,180 --> 00:28:54,060
No, no, out of the question.

280
00:28:54,380 --> 00:28:56,680
Oh, well, I thought I'd mention it. It was only a suggestion.

281
00:28:56,940 --> 00:29:01,000
And very welcome to, I'm sure. It's always nice to know that lads are

282
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,100
on the job. Ta -ta, mind how you go.

283
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,060
Well, strike a light of all the nerve.

284
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:08,480
I think it's a disgrace.

285
00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:12,340
I know I'm new round here, but still I'd put him in his place.

286
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:17,360
Tell him to take a running jump, obnoxious little worm. Now, you be

287
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,680
you say. He owns the bleeding firm.

288
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:32,420
The old chair's a bit lumpy tonight.

289
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:36,100
I wish the producer wouldn't stand on it to clean the windows.

290
00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:43,660
Now, I suppose you're thinking, why is a BBC television producer... producer?

291
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:46,760
Why is he called a producer?

292
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:53,700
Well, he isn't usually, but why is a BBC television producer standing on a chair

293
00:29:53,700 --> 00:29:56,120
cleaning windows? Well, the answer is quite simple.

294
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:57,800
They won't buy him a ladder.

295
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:04,380
You see, it's all part of this ridiculous economy drive. And it is

296
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:11,100
When you think that at 5 .45 tonight, there nearly wasn't any BBC news because

297
00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:13,100
Richard Baker couldn't borrow a Daily Mirror.

298
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:22,260
And that the canteen wasn't open today because, as an experiment, it is now

299
00:30:22,260 --> 00:30:23,720
being run by the religious department.

300
00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:27,510
And there was a hold -up with the loaves and fishes.

301
00:30:30,670 --> 00:30:35,250
They really are cutting back round here. For instance, the head of the BBC.

302
00:30:35,550 --> 00:30:39,770
Now, the head of the BBC. Now, the company have always supplied him with

303
00:30:39,770 --> 00:30:44,330
very latest in luxury motor cars, you know. Really prestige vehicles, you

304
00:30:44,330 --> 00:30:49,790
sort of thing. See -through windscreen and... ..revolving wheels.

305
00:30:51,170 --> 00:30:52,850
Power -assisted ashtrays.

306
00:30:53,170 --> 00:30:54,270
Peace -proof radiator.

307
00:30:55,379 --> 00:30:56,379
Reclining hubcaps.

308
00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:58,880
And do you know what he's got now?

309
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:00,760
A hoop.

310
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:06,140
It's a bit hard to believe, isn't it?

311
00:31:06,940 --> 00:31:07,940
Do your best.

312
00:31:09,420 --> 00:31:14,380
I actually think the shock of it all has been so much for him. Well, last night

313
00:31:14,380 --> 00:31:18,980
I was leaving, and there he was, standing in the car park, crying his

314
00:31:20,100 --> 00:31:23,780
I asked him, I said, what's the matter? He said, he said, some...

315
00:31:24,220 --> 00:31:31,020
He said, then somebody's pinched my

316
00:31:31,020 --> 00:31:32,020
hoop.

317
00:31:33,860 --> 00:31:35,420
I said, well, don't worry.

318
00:31:36,220 --> 00:31:39,500
Don't worry. I expect the police will find it in the morning. He said, yes,

319
00:31:39,500 --> 00:31:42,580
that's all right, but how am I going to get home tonight?

320
00:31:44,100 --> 00:31:47,880
Anyway, that needn't... I overdid that. I'm sorry.

321
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,240
Anyway, that needn't worry you.

322
00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:52,520
It worries us, but it needn't worry you.

323
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,760
Here is a very funny story about two ladies who haven't seen each other for

324
00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:00,160
years. And they happen to meet, you know, in the supermarket.

325
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,200
And one says to the other, how have things been with you? And the other one

326
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:04,200
says, couldn't be better.

327
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:08,480
Couldn't be better. I married a very rich man, she said, who thinks the world

328
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:12,380
me. She said, why, only last week he bought me a magnificent ring.

329
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:13,880
Enormous diamond, you know.

330
00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:15,820
The star of gold is green, it's called.

331
00:32:17,660 --> 00:32:18,660
By the way...

332
00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:21,720
By the way, I think you'll like this joke because it is a rich joke, you

333
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:26,280
It's got a diamond ring, a yacht, and a holiday in Bermuda.

334
00:32:27,180 --> 00:32:30,380
In fact, it only needs two birds and a buzzer and it could be the sale of the

335
00:32:30,380 --> 00:32:31,380
century.

336
00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:38,240
To be honest, I think, you know, when times are hard, you know, times are a

337
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,220
hard, people don't want to hear about poverty, do they? I mean, be honest.

338
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:45,460
Actually, I was going to tell you a story which began, there were these two

339
00:32:45,460 --> 00:32:46,459
and outs.

340
00:32:46,460 --> 00:32:49,360
And I thought, well, you know, most of the audience here tonight could take it

341
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:50,360
personally.

342
00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:53,920
I'm only joking.

343
00:32:54,660 --> 00:32:55,660
Sit down.

344
00:32:57,020 --> 00:32:58,020
And eat the soup.

345
00:33:04,180 --> 00:33:08,440
We're all having to make economies these days. I mean, yesterday I had to cancel

346
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:12,360
my wife's weekly visit to the beauty parlour, which is rather a pity because

347
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,180
she's been going there for the last six years.

348
00:33:14,750 --> 00:33:16,890
and they've just started letting her leave by the front door.

349
00:33:20,590 --> 00:33:27,310
I have never made any secret of the fact that I have known some very hard times,

350
00:33:27,470 --> 00:33:30,490
ever since I was a child, when I was found on a doorstep.

351
00:33:30,850 --> 00:33:33,670
Not really on a doorstep, because the door opened outwards.

352
00:33:37,310 --> 00:33:39,230
I was found halfway across the road.

353
00:33:41,070 --> 00:33:44,810
And pinned to my little coat was a note saying, keep your head down, the door

354
00:33:44,810 --> 00:33:45,810
opens outwards.

355
00:33:49,490 --> 00:33:50,490
Signed, Mummy.

356
00:33:51,570 --> 00:33:53,170
It's a bit pathetic, isn't it, really?

357
00:33:53,490 --> 00:33:58,190
You come to think of it, so is this joke. But I'm going to tell, anyway, I'm

358
00:33:58,190 --> 00:33:59,770
going to tell it anyway. Where was I up to, by the way?

359
00:33:59,990 --> 00:34:01,070
Oh, yes, that's right, I know.

360
00:34:01,630 --> 00:34:06,730
One of the two ladies, one of the two ladies said, she said, my husband, she

361
00:34:06,730 --> 00:34:10,250
said, bought me a wonderful diamond ring. That's where I got up to.

362
00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:11,870
You know, the star of Goldersby.

363
00:34:14,449 --> 00:34:16,610
He didn't laugh at it then. Why should he laugh at it now?

364
00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:19,250
Give you a second chance.

365
00:34:19,510 --> 00:34:22,870
He said, I bought a wonderful diamond ring, she said. And the other lady said,

366
00:34:22,949 --> 00:34:23,949
that's nice.

367
00:34:24,210 --> 00:34:28,630
And he said, and for my birthday, he bought me two priceless paintings by

368
00:34:28,630 --> 00:34:30,070
Menuhin and Pablo Casals.

369
00:34:31,949 --> 00:34:34,969
Oh, that's nice, the lady said. She said, I didn't know there were painters.

370
00:34:35,290 --> 00:34:37,210
The other lady said, for our money, they paint.

371
00:34:39,469 --> 00:34:40,469
Oh, that's...

372
00:34:41,310 --> 00:34:45,929
Oh, that's nice, she said. And for our anniversary, bought me my own private

373
00:34:45,929 --> 00:34:48,790
yacht. And the other lady said, oh, that's nice.

374
00:34:49,330 --> 00:34:52,449
Then she said, my husband's very good to me, too, you know. She said, he

375
00:34:52,449 --> 00:34:55,550
recently paid for me to do a wonderful course at a charm school.

376
00:34:55,889 --> 00:34:59,490
So the first one said, and is it very beneficial to you? Have you benefited?

377
00:34:59,490 --> 00:35:00,790
said, oh, yes, she said. Definitely.

378
00:35:01,070 --> 00:35:05,970
So, for instance, I now learn to say, oh, that's nice, instead of, oh, you

379
00:35:05,970 --> 00:35:06,970
bloody liar.

380
00:35:24,310 --> 00:35:27,490
Luella Suohara is a gal who lives next door.

381
00:35:27,710 --> 00:35:31,410
I've known her since times I was six and she was only four.

382
00:35:31,750 --> 00:35:36,910
And now that we have both grown up, it's very plain to see. No matter how hard

383
00:35:36,910 --> 00:35:39,450
she tries to grow, she's still two years younger than me.

384
00:35:42,590 --> 00:35:48,650
When we was little scruffy kids out playing in my backyard, we didn't have

385
00:35:48,650 --> 00:35:50,610
set because time was awful hard.

386
00:35:51,070 --> 00:35:54,610
But when she tried to ask me around, her backyard is filled.

387
00:35:54,870 --> 00:35:58,670
So we could play together, this is what I always said.

388
00:36:03,250 --> 00:36:07,190
No, come around here, ask me out. I ain't coming out just to muck about.

389
00:36:07,410 --> 00:36:10,510
You have to muck about in your own mind, dear, because I'm going to muck about

390
00:36:10,510 --> 00:36:14,570
here. Trundling a truck about, waddling a duck about, I'm going to muck about

391
00:36:14,570 --> 00:36:15,570
here.

392
00:36:19,500 --> 00:36:22,800
Then 10 or 12 years later on, she grew up overnight.

393
00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:27,100
Her legs got long and slender and her blouse got awful tight.

394
00:36:27,420 --> 00:36:32,820
But when I asked her if she'd like to visit me next door, she only answered,

395
00:36:32,860 --> 00:36:35,080
you're too late because now I know what for.

396
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:44,160
Oh, come around here asking me out. I ain't going out just to muck about. You

397
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,400
have to muck about here, oh my dear, because I'm going to muck about here.

398
00:36:48,230 --> 00:36:51,550
I'm not struck about, can't run the muck about, don't give a buck about, folks

399
00:36:51,550 --> 00:36:55,150
here round about, let them talk about, I'm just tucking out, I'm going to muck

400
00:36:55,150 --> 00:36:56,150
about here.

401
00:37:02,510 --> 00:37:05,850
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Will you please welcome our

402
00:37:05,850 --> 00:37:07,490
friends, the two prizes.

403
00:39:36,460 --> 00:39:39,300
And you've got your high shoes, you feel fine.

404
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:43,580
And don't you let me out. Don't you let me out.

405
00:39:43,780 --> 00:39:45,680
Don't you let me out.

406
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:51,240
And you shouldn't get all about it. If this is all you've got, then all night

407
00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:54,900
through, it's just that you put your back out too.

408
00:40:27,340 --> 00:40:31,200
I give her this and that, but she's got a taste for all the things that make her

409
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:32,340
fat. Oh, baby.

410
00:40:33,460 --> 00:40:34,940
Every night she talks a lot.

411
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:40,860
We do the road, my rocket, cheese, rope, peppermint, rock.

412
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:47,860
I rock her to the left, I rock her to the right. She said I like a man who

413
00:40:47,860 --> 00:40:48,860
to rock all night.

414
00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:53,040
I took her to the sweet shop, I said it's all for you. She said I only like

415
00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:54,780
rock when it's better right through.

416
00:41:30,250 --> 00:41:34,730
I took her to the cafe for a fancy casserole. The only thing she fancied

417
00:41:34,730 --> 00:41:38,550
legendary roll. I took her for a picnic. I took her for a stroll.

418
00:41:38,890 --> 00:41:43,170
We sat amongst the rocks, but she wouldn't have a roll. Oh, baby, I'm a

419
00:41:43,530 --> 00:41:45,290
Every night I'm going up.

420
00:41:46,670 --> 00:41:50,990
We do the roll, my rock ain't cheap. Oh, definitely rock.

421
00:42:10,250 --> 00:42:16,270
The man said to a barmaid, now mix me a drink. A cocktail made up of whatever

422
00:42:16,270 --> 00:42:17,410
you think.

423
00:42:17,670 --> 00:42:24,110
She mixed it, he drank it, and went right cross -eyed. And three hours

424
00:42:24,110 --> 00:42:25,510
came to and cried.

425
00:42:30,540 --> 00:42:36,060
I'd like to try another like the one I had before. I so enjoyed the last one

426
00:42:36,060 --> 00:42:37,560
that I'm coming back for more.

427
00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:41,720
The effect is not immediate, but it's worth waiting for.

428
00:42:42,060 --> 00:42:45,640
So oblige me with another like the one I had before.

429
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:48,460
Only bigger.

430
00:42:51,820 --> 00:42:57,960
A man sat in a drugstore and he called for the boss. He said, you gave me a pep

431
00:42:57,960 --> 00:42:59,940
bill to give to my horse.

432
00:43:00,510 --> 00:43:04,110
I put it on the shelf on the wall near my bed.

433
00:43:04,370 --> 00:43:08,050
It fell into the coffee pot and I swallowed it instead.

434
00:43:12,430 --> 00:43:16,010
I'd like to try another like the one I had before.

435
00:43:16,570 --> 00:43:20,150
I so enjoyed the last one that I'm coming back for more.

436
00:43:20,590 --> 00:43:24,270
The effect is not immediate, but it's worth waiting for.

437
00:43:24,610 --> 00:43:28,050
So oblige me with another like the one I had before.

438
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:30,260
Only stronger.

439
00:43:34,460 --> 00:43:41,420
A man said to a preacher, you recall yesterday, you married me, Mary, and I

440
00:43:41,420 --> 00:43:47,560
had to pay. You charged us two dollars for plighting our troth. So I've come

441
00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:50,740
round to say on behalf of us both.

442
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:54,360
Wait for it now.

443
00:43:54,700 --> 00:43:56,720
We'd like to try to...

444
00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:02,420
Like the one we had before We so enjoyed the last one That we're coming back for

445
00:44:02,420 --> 00:44:08,520
more The effect is not immediate But it's worth waiting for So oblige us with

446
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:14,000
another Like the one we had before Yes, oblige us with another Like the one we

447
00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:15,000
had before

448
00:44:40,620 --> 00:44:42,360
That's all we have time for this series.

449
00:44:42,580 --> 00:44:46,980
We'd like to thank our resident guests, Swingle 2.

450
00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:57,480
And, of course, Michel Legrand.

451
00:45:04,430 --> 00:45:09,210
In our next series, we're going to look at unusual dances, including the Gay

452
00:45:09,210 --> 00:45:12,090
Gordons, the Nice Nigels, and the Queer Quistophers.

453
00:45:15,990 --> 00:45:20,090
But here is the late news. We've just heard about the new tax form that the

454
00:45:20,090 --> 00:45:23,170
Inland Revenue are bringing out next week. It only has three sections.

455
00:45:23,530 --> 00:45:28,270
One, how much money did you make last year? Two, how much have you got left?

456
00:45:28,270 --> 00:45:29,270
three, send it.

457
00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:38,300
The divorce. The divorce was announced today of John Rupert Prendergast and

458
00:45:38,300 --> 00:45:40,060
William Henry Smithers.

459
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:44,700
Breakdown of the marriage was due to incompatibility and a short -sighted

460
00:45:47,140 --> 00:45:51,260
And Miss Gloria Clegg, who achieved fame last year by marrying in a wedding

461
00:45:51,260 --> 00:45:55,320
dress made entirely of chewing gum, was finally separated from her husband last

462
00:45:55,320 --> 00:45:56,320
week.

463
00:45:58,410 --> 00:46:01,270
Said Mrs. Clegg, thank goodness for that. For the past three months, we've

464
00:46:01,270 --> 00:46:02,270
in a very sticky position.

465
00:46:03,370 --> 00:46:07,230
Well, that's all we've got time for this series, so it's goodbye from me. And

466
00:46:07,230 --> 00:46:08,290
it's goodbye from him. Goodbye.