1 00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:33,550 Hello again. It's nice to be with you, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And in a 2 00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:36,870 packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to three French film directors, 3 00:00:37,230 --> 00:00:41,350 Jacques Tati, Jacques Scruffy, and Jacques Absolutely Falling to Pieces. 4 00:00:43,030 --> 00:00:46,090 And we'll be demonstrating the very latest brassiere. 5 00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:47,950 It's called the Sheepdog. 6 00:00:48,610 --> 00:00:51,010 It rounds them up and points them in the right direction. 7 00:00:57,790 --> 00:01:01,450 Then we'll be talking to Mr Herbert Gudge, who has tattooed the whole of his 8 00:01:01,450 --> 00:01:02,730 body with old masters. 9 00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:09,190 He has a Botticelli on his chest, a Constable under each arm, a Watto down 10 00:01:09,190 --> 00:01:13,790 back and a Whistler up the front, and the inscrutable smile of the Mona Lisa 11 00:01:13,790 --> 00:01:15,490 becomes a broad grin whenever he sits down. 12 00:01:18,850 --> 00:01:22,370 But here first is the news. First, the economy. 13 00:01:22,910 --> 00:01:26,830 The true state of the country's finances were revealed today when the Bank of 14 00:01:26,830 --> 00:01:28,790 England announced a closing down sale. 15 00:01:30,370 --> 00:01:37,170 And the pound had another very bad day, closing at only 2 .4 16 00:01:37,170 --> 00:01:38,730 against the Matabele Gumbo Bee. 17 00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:47,740 But the Prime Minister said today that the state of the economy was in no way 18 00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:51,660 connected with the arrest this morning on Dover Beach of a large group of 19 00:01:51,660 --> 00:01:53,840 illegal immigrants who were trying to leave the country. 20 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,120 Foreign news. 21 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:02,100 In Kampala this evening, at a farewell dinner, General Amin toasted the British 22 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:05,020 delegation. He then sautéed the French delegation with a few unknowns. 23 00:02:06,980 --> 00:02:12,300 At the end of the world's longest -running strike, President Thadat... has 24 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,800 announced that work on the pyramids will be resumed tomorrow. 25 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,480 And here is a message from the Royal Society for Prevention of Accidents. 26 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,240 most accidents occur in the home, they advise you to move. 27 00:02:26,900 --> 00:02:31,400 And we've just heard of another business merger. 28 00:02:31,780 --> 00:02:36,100 Achilles cleaning powders have joined up with the Scottish distilleries to 29 00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:39,680 produce a cleaner that kills 99 % of all known germs. 30 00:02:40,220 --> 00:02:41,940 and makes the other one too drunk to bother. 31 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:48,680 And now, a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, who every Sunday tosses a coin 32 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,280 see whether he'll go to church or play golf. 33 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,800 Sometimes it takes as many as 20 toss -ups before he gets it right. 34 00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:04,600 All right, all right, no need to wear out the bell push. 35 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,380 You don't see great thumbs all over it? 36 00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:11,120 Hello. Hello. Come in. Step over the carpet, please. It's new. 37 00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:12,340 Oh. 38 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,640 I hope I'm not too late for the party, am I? Oh, no, not at all. Oh. 39 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:23,120 Oh, dear. Am I too early? Oh, no. Come in. Enjoy the fun. It's all in full 40 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,200 swing. Oh, is it? 41 00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:30,280 Not many people seem to arrive, do they? 42 00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:32,300 Oh, I don't know. 43 00:03:34,220 --> 00:03:35,920 Better turn out than last year. 44 00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:43,600 In the old days, sometimes you used to have as many as two or three people all 45 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:44,600 in here in one evening. 46 00:03:45,580 --> 00:03:46,580 An orgy. 47 00:03:47,140 --> 00:03:50,280 Switch that off. Save the battery. 48 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,120 Now, what's it going to be? What are you going to have? 49 00:03:54,620 --> 00:03:56,900 I've got some water. 50 00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:01,460 Do you want something a little stronger? I've got some melted ice. 51 00:04:03,860 --> 00:04:05,240 No, I'll plump the water, thank you. 52 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:07,720 Say when. 53 00:04:11,540 --> 00:04:14,160 When? Would you like something to perhaps go with it? 54 00:04:14,460 --> 00:04:16,660 Oh, yes, that would be lovely. If you've got some gin or some brandy or 55 00:04:16,660 --> 00:04:18,140 something to eke it out of it, it would be nice, yes. 56 00:04:18,579 --> 00:04:20,920 No, I haven't. I mean, I thought you were going to bring a bottle. 57 00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:24,340 What? I mean, well, it's a bottle party. Oh, I didn't know that. No, I'm awfully 58 00:04:24,340 --> 00:04:26,940 sorry. No, well, I'll just have a dash of water with it, thank you. All right. 59 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,960 Don't want to drown it, do we? 60 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,400 There we are. Have a look at myself, then. 61 00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:36,740 There we are. 62 00:04:37,660 --> 00:04:38,329 That's it. 63 00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:40,810 Cheers. Have I put hairs on your chest? 64 00:04:41,170 --> 00:04:42,170 Cheers. 65 00:04:45,770 --> 00:04:50,810 I'm... It's a little embarrassing, this. I'm afraid I've forgotten your name. 66 00:04:51,470 --> 00:04:54,210 It's not easy remembering everybody's name at a party. 67 00:04:57,310 --> 00:04:59,410 Wilfred. Wilfred, Wilfred. 68 00:05:00,150 --> 00:05:03,770 Wilfred, I hope you don't think I'm being sort of awkward, but you're rather 69 00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,330 wearing out the chair. Could you... 70 00:05:07,630 --> 00:05:09,210 Half -thoughtless of me. Also sorry. 71 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:13,290 Now, what about some solid refreshment, eh? Oh, I haven't eaten a thing all day. 72 00:05:13,350 --> 00:05:16,050 How wonderful. Oh, I say, doesn't that look marvellous? 73 00:05:16,390 --> 00:05:17,390 Oh, gosh. 74 00:05:17,510 --> 00:05:18,510 Now, what can I have? 75 00:05:19,270 --> 00:05:21,170 Oh, I think I'll... Oh, I don't know. 76 00:05:21,410 --> 00:05:22,730 I think I'll have one of those there. 77 00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:24,910 Lovely. Thank you. 78 00:05:25,030 --> 00:05:26,210 Oh! Oh! 79 00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:28,030 Oh! Nice, is it? 80 00:05:28,610 --> 00:05:35,450 Yeah, yeah. It's a... It's a... It's a... It's made of wood, isn't it? 81 00:05:36,190 --> 00:05:37,049 Yes, yes. 82 00:05:37,050 --> 00:05:39,550 are. I use the same ones every year, you know. 83 00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:44,890 It may seem a bit of a fad, but I don't eat an awful lot of wood, you know. 84 00:05:46,730 --> 00:05:50,190 They're not all made of wood. Oh, I see. 85 00:05:51,190 --> 00:05:54,090 It'd be a very funny party if all the food was made of wood. 86 00:05:55,410 --> 00:05:57,870 No, there is one vol -au -vent that's real. 87 00:05:59,770 --> 00:06:01,550 But I've hidden it. Oh, I see. 88 00:06:01,810 --> 00:06:03,510 Well, we'll play spot the vol -au -vent, shall we? 89 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,160 I can go and sit in a cupboard all on my own and play sardine. 90 00:06:08,340 --> 00:06:11,780 Oh, it is going to be a nice party. Let me top you up. Come on. Oh, no, no, no. 91 00:06:11,860 --> 00:06:13,040 I'm driving. You really must be. 92 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:18,600 There we are. 93 00:06:19,060 --> 00:06:21,680 That's a little one, then. That's it. I've just fettened it up for you. Thank 94 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:26,940 you. I don't wish to... No, I'd rather you did... Wilfred, would you mind? 95 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:28,840 This is a new carpet. 96 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,980 Yes. Do you think you could stand on one leg, perhaps? 97 00:06:33,050 --> 00:06:36,550 Certainly, which leg would you like me to stand on? Oh, I don't. I mean, it is 98 00:06:36,550 --> 00:06:37,550 party, aren't we? Oh, good. 99 00:06:38,110 --> 00:06:39,310 I'll stand on the right one, then. Thank you. 100 00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:44,510 I don't wish to appear churlish, but aren't you using all your legs? 101 00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:46,690 You're right. Got me there. 102 00:06:47,910 --> 00:06:49,190 Oh, I see. That's nice. 103 00:06:50,230 --> 00:06:53,290 I like your empty frame. 104 00:06:54,650 --> 00:06:56,950 Yes, it's an original, you know. Oh, is it? Yes. 105 00:06:57,730 --> 00:06:58,730 Oh, well, that's original. 106 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:00,910 Look, try one of these. 107 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:02,089 Oh, thank you. 108 00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:03,890 They would as well. Oh, I see, you mean put them on the head, yes. 109 00:07:05,270 --> 00:07:06,270 Oh, 110 00:07:06,470 --> 00:07:10,290 yes, well, that's a bit more like it, isn't it? Yes. It's a good party, isn't 111 00:07:10,290 --> 00:07:12,470 it? Oh, yes, yes. Better than the local hop, isn't it? 112 00:07:14,270 --> 00:07:15,270 What time are these? 113 00:07:15,450 --> 00:07:16,450 Oh, they're nice, yes. 114 00:07:18,550 --> 00:07:23,950 Oh, gosh, yes. I say, the frost is melting on your radiators. Have you 115 00:07:24,090 --> 00:07:28,610 Do you know it's the first time it's... It's the first time it's done that this 116 00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:29,610 year. Do you realise that? 117 00:07:29,790 --> 00:07:32,450 You're making this party go with the swing, you know. Oh, it's very nice of 118 00:07:32,450 --> 00:07:33,109 to say that. 119 00:07:33,110 --> 00:07:35,530 You are the life and soul of the party. Oh, thank you very much. 120 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:40,090 Wilfred, do you think I could have the invitation back so that I could use it 121 00:07:40,090 --> 00:07:41,090 again next year? 122 00:07:41,890 --> 00:07:44,410 Funny you should say that, because I haven't got one. I'm a gatecrusher. 123 00:07:47,190 --> 00:07:51,230 Absolute little worm abusing my hospitality. Get out at once. How dare 124 00:07:51,230 --> 00:07:55,630 in here. A bit of fun. A bit of fun. Mind the mat. It's noon. Now get out. 125 00:07:55,630 --> 00:07:56,890 don't tread on too many of the stairs. 126 00:07:58,530 --> 00:08:00,730 Yes, things are coming to a pretty pass. 127 00:08:00,950 --> 00:08:04,230 I think he can barge in here every year he likes, just because he's my brother. 128 00:08:48,910 --> 00:08:50,130 special edition of Stars at Night. 129 00:08:50,970 --> 00:08:54,550 I'm sorry to have to inflict myself on you like this, but Patrick couldn't be 130 00:08:54,550 --> 00:08:56,470 here tonight, so he asked me to step into his shoes. 131 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,670 And why not? He's always wearing my suits. 132 00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:03,270 So here I am, and he asked me to apologise to you for not being here, but 133 00:09:03,270 --> 00:09:05,590 to go and show his telescope to the local town's women's guild. 134 00:09:06,390 --> 00:09:08,570 If they like it, they're going to knit him a cover for it. 135 00:09:09,790 --> 00:09:13,470 Then tonight he's going to the Palladium for a night of a thousand stars. 136 00:09:14,050 --> 00:09:15,950 Apparently they're one short. He's going to help them look for it. 137 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,140 And what he'll do after that, well, we just don't know. 138 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,760 Because, of course, he never goes to bed at night. That's where his day's work 139 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:26,120 starts. Only when dawn breaks does he put away his slide rule and relax. 140 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,900 Of course, he likes a bit of fun afterwards, just like anyone else. 141 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:33,260 time I've seen him put on his dinner jacket and go out and dance till 142 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,440 This, of course, has its advantages. He never has trouble with last buses, and 143 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,280 no -one can accuse him of staggering home with a moment, which is just as 144 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,280 as a very gossipy neighbourhood. 145 00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:42,780 However... 146 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,640 I digress, as my very good friend Frank Atfield would say. The reason Patrick 147 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,940 asked me to come here tonight, apart from not wanting to lose a fee, was that 148 00:09:49,940 --> 00:09:53,460 tonight, and tonight only, whizzing across our sky, you will be able to see 149 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:58,180 celebrated Bailey's Comet. Now, this comet appears once, only once in every 150 00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:00,460 years, so not many of us have actually seen it before. 151 00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:05,180 So, in all parts of Britain, it will be visible to the naked observer. 152 00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:09,520 So, uh... So, a trip... 153 00:10:09,930 --> 00:10:12,610 garden should be well worth it, if only to look over the fence at the woman next 154 00:10:12,610 --> 00:10:13,610 door. 155 00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:17,990 Now, this comet passes very, very, very close to the moon. How close, we just 156 00:10:17,990 --> 00:10:18,869 don't know. 157 00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:22,170 But I would like, if I may, to show you a diagram of what is liable to happen. 158 00:10:22,210 --> 00:10:27,070 Oh, thank you, Sandra. Now, here you see we have the surface of the moon there, 159 00:10:27,190 --> 00:10:31,450 like that, like that, and then, of course, we have the stratosphere here, 160 00:10:31,450 --> 00:10:32,590 this. Now, um... 161 00:10:32,910 --> 00:10:36,350 Under here, you see, there's a famous sea of tranquility here, and there's a 162 00:10:36,350 --> 00:10:39,730 mountain here known as the height of absurdity, and, of course, there are two 163 00:10:39,730 --> 00:10:45,110 craters here known as the depths of depravity. Now, the last moonshot, the 164 00:10:45,110 --> 00:10:46,210 moonshot orbited here. 165 00:10:46,450 --> 00:10:52,690 There was an orbit just like that. But, you see, Bailey's Comet will pass even 166 00:10:52,690 --> 00:10:55,290 closer to the moon there and will be orbited there, you see, so it should be 167 00:10:55,290 --> 00:10:57,890 quite a splendid sight. Of course, that's sideways on. Would you put it up 168 00:10:57,890 --> 00:10:59,750 right way, sir? What we'll see is more like that, you see. 169 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,440 heavenly body not to be missed. Now, a word about next week. Off you go, 170 00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:06,540 Put some clothes on. That's the idea. 171 00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:10,920 Now, next week, Patrick himself hopes to be back with you when, owing to a great 172 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:14,640 number of requests, he's going to devote the whole programme to asteroids and 173 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:15,640 how to deal with them. 174 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,680 Which should be a boon to all fellow sufferers. 175 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,940 If you have any questions to ask Patrick, postcards only, please. And if 176 00:11:22,940 --> 00:11:26,120 have any to ask Sandra, put them in a sealed envelope as we have a filthy 177 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,300 -minded postman. Good night. 178 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,540 Events in the clumsy drug case have taken a turn for the worse. 179 00:14:25,060 --> 00:14:29,640 Our two dauntless detectives, hopelessly duped by international villains in 180 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:34,040 Marseilles, were now studying a piece of false evidence planted on them by the 181 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,320 beautiful Madame Cocotte. 182 00:14:35,580 --> 00:14:38,620 A map drawn on a pair of her own briefs. 183 00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:44,240 And Piggy and Charlie were even now desperately trying to grasp what was 184 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:45,240 them. 185 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,760 You run through the mountains, you curve to the right, then it's a straight run 186 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:50,760 down to the village. 187 00:14:52,939 --> 00:14:54,220 Yeah, it looks simple enough, yeah. 188 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,720 But I'm just not sure. I get this odd feeling. 189 00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:01,760 Well, of course you get an odd feeling looking at a map and a pair of knickers. 190 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:04,840 Look, never mind that. 191 00:15:06,220 --> 00:15:07,600 You'll have to go and talk to her. 192 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:09,680 Who, me? 193 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,080 Yeah. 194 00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:12,420 Get to know her. 195 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,020 Worm your way into her affections. 196 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,020 Get her to slip into something a little more comfortable. 197 00:15:18,220 --> 00:15:20,200 Find out if she is straight underneath it all. 198 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:23,560 What, 199 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,120 you mean all that could be a false front? 200 00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:27,420 Why not? 201 00:15:31,460 --> 00:15:32,660 Looked pretty real to me. 202 00:15:33,460 --> 00:15:34,660 Listen, we've got to know. 203 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:39,420 I mean, after all, she was seen with those two shady -looking characters, 204 00:15:39,420 --> 00:15:41,040 she? The big fat one and the little one. 205 00:15:41,820 --> 00:15:43,180 All right, then, Chief, I'll try. 206 00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:45,280 It is in the course of duty. 207 00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:46,540 Of course it is, yeah. 208 00:15:48,260 --> 00:15:50,500 I mean, in this game, either you're on the job or you're not. 209 00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:52,460 Right. 210 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,380 Chief, what will you be doing? 211 00:15:55,060 --> 00:15:56,060 Don't worry about me. 212 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,340 I've got other fish to fry. 213 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:20,239 Good evening. 214 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:24,260 Is there any way I can be of service? 215 00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:27,920 Yes. I want you to look at my plug. 216 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,560 Are you having trouble? 217 00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:36,100 Yes, well, every time the man next door pulls the plug, my toilet flushes. 218 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:40,080 It can be a little unnerving when you're not expecting it. 219 00:16:41,420 --> 00:16:42,620 I'm sure it can be. 220 00:16:43,180 --> 00:16:45,360 But I'm sorry, nothing can be done until the morning. 221 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:47,860 But perhaps... 222 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,220 I can offer you a little champagne. 223 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,700 By way of consolation. 224 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:57,020 Well, I... I wouldn't open a bottle specially for me. 225 00:16:57,260 --> 00:16:58,199 No, no. 226 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,680 In the old way there, I keep it on ice all day. 227 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,340 Ready for a nice gentleman like you. 228 00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:04,980 Oh, who's that? 229 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,920 The gentleman who's like me. 230 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,780 I mean you, Shirley. 231 00:17:14,060 --> 00:17:15,060 Oh. 232 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:16,960 Thank you. I must say... 233 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,140 I think you are very cute. 234 00:17:21,180 --> 00:17:23,040 Why don't you take off your coat? 235 00:17:23,839 --> 00:17:30,680 Well, I... Oh, dear. I hope... Thank you. Just that. I hope I'm not 236 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,840 you. Well, only a little. 237 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,040 Perhaps a little more. 238 00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:37,580 And now you have taken off your coat. 239 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,320 I'll just go and hang it up. No, no. 240 00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:43,900 No, no. The walk will do me good. 241 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,800 Don't mind me removing my stockings. 242 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,160 My legs, they are too hot. 243 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,500 Ah, yes, like footballers. 244 00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:05,700 Well, 245 00:18:06,220 --> 00:18:08,380 they roll their stockings down, don't they? 246 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,120 Not usually this early in the game, though. 247 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,960 Oh, you say such strange things, Shireen. 248 00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:19,980 Come here. 249 00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:27,500 I, uh... Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? 250 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:33,040 The only thing which is more comfortable than this is nothing. 251 00:18:34,220 --> 00:18:35,640 Nothing would suit me better. 252 00:18:36,940 --> 00:18:37,940 Kiss me. 253 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:47,660 Would you, uh... I'd like you to accept something from me. 254 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,160 Of course, darling. 255 00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:52,820 Now. Will you... 256 00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:56,430 Will you have a jelly bean? 257 00:18:58,030 --> 00:19:01,230 You mean to say you didn't discover anything about her at all? 258 00:19:01,610 --> 00:19:03,790 Well, I'll tell you one thing, Chief. She's hot stuff. 259 00:19:04,650 --> 00:19:05,930 My jelly bean's melted. 260 00:19:08,910 --> 00:19:11,390 Well, it doesn't matter now, anyway. I've got another idea. 261 00:19:11,670 --> 00:19:14,350 While you've been out enjoying yourself, I've been sitting here thinking. 262 00:19:14,590 --> 00:19:15,329 Oh, yes? 263 00:19:15,330 --> 00:19:16,930 You think too much, you know. 264 00:19:17,370 --> 00:19:18,790 You're overweight as it is. 265 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,260 That Polaroid you took of the two villains. 266 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:26,720 Yes, it is. 267 00:19:29,380 --> 00:19:30,840 Evil -looking pair, aren't they, eh? 268 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:36,860 Right, now, tomorrow night is the hotel fancy -dress dance, right? Tomorrow? 269 00:19:36,940 --> 00:19:41,060 Yeah, yeah. It's the perfect opportunity. If we disguise ourselves as 270 00:19:41,060 --> 00:19:44,040 villains, we can talk to Madame Cocotte as they would. 271 00:19:44,460 --> 00:19:46,880 Her defences will be completely down. 272 00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:48,100 They won't, you know. 273 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:49,900 She's going as Bo to see her. 274 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:51,439 Don't worry. 275 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,740 Whatever defenses she puts up, we'll penetrate them. 276 00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:56,020 We'll just go in there and fight dirty. 277 00:19:56,860 --> 00:19:57,860 Like Lee Marvin. 278 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,480 I mean, we can't be as dirty as that great big fat sinister slob in the dark 279 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,720 glasses and that evil little oriental runt. 280 00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:06,900 Absolutely, Chief. 281 00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:08,980 So it's disguised, right? 282 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:10,720 Yeah. 283 00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:13,440 Which one do you want me to be? 284 00:20:24,910 --> 00:20:28,750 as the guests of the Hotel Metropole danced the night away, our muddle 285 00:20:28,750 --> 00:20:34,110 heroes set about disguising themselves as the two rascally villains, making use 286 00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:36,830 of all the limited facilities at their disposal. 287 00:20:37,490 --> 00:20:40,210 And all in all, they made a pretty bad job of it. 288 00:20:46,030 --> 00:20:51,890 I don't see a bloody thing in these. 289 00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:00,840 Oh, uh, there it is. I smoked them over a candy. Ah, by a sticky tape. 290 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,140 Cut into strips. 291 00:21:02,420 --> 00:21:05,820 Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it? Well, the trouble is it's a bit sticky in the 292 00:21:05,820 --> 00:21:08,540 inside, you know. I'm frightened to blink in case my eyes jam. 293 00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,100 Bonsoir, Mr. 294 00:21:15,140 --> 00:21:16,140 Greensleeves. It is an honor. 295 00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:20,220 Where is Miriam Cockhart, Billy? I was expecting her here. 296 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:22,240 Have you seen her? 297 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,840 I forget. I've only just arrived, you see. 298 00:21:25,850 --> 00:21:31,650 Probably in her loom, lighting a few litters. Even alive, you never fear. 299 00:21:32,190 --> 00:21:35,310 There's nothing she likes more than a bit of levelling. 300 00:21:36,030 --> 00:21:41,170 I don't know, make the nut -toggling and loose up the whole village. 301 00:21:43,230 --> 00:21:47,090 Oh, there you are. There is she. 302 00:21:49,810 --> 00:21:50,810 It is me. 303 00:21:51,350 --> 00:21:52,770 No fancy dress? 304 00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:59,180 In my time of life, one becomes too scared in one's ways to try and be 305 00:21:59,180 --> 00:22:02,500 else. I prefer to keep my energies for other things. 306 00:22:05,220 --> 00:22:09,020 In that case, why don't you join Miss Ginsberg over there? She'll dress 307 00:22:09,020 --> 00:22:10,180 perfectly in balloons. 308 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:11,600 Oh, really? 309 00:22:12,980 --> 00:22:16,340 Oh, she's feeling a little lonely. No one can get near her. 310 00:22:16,700 --> 00:22:18,280 Oh, well, I'm willing to have a try. 311 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:19,800 Anyone got a pen? 312 00:22:58,990 --> 00:22:59,990 What are they up to? 313 00:23:00,310 --> 00:23:01,690 I'm not sure, Mr. 314 00:23:02,330 --> 00:23:05,490 Greensleeves, but I don't like the look of it. 315 00:23:06,250 --> 00:23:07,270 Neither do I. 316 00:23:08,410 --> 00:23:09,730 It might be a trap. 317 00:23:11,730 --> 00:23:14,410 Stick close together and head for the French windows. 318 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:53,380 pathetic attempts at impersonation, two waiters of uncertain origin prepare to 319 00:23:53,380 --> 00:23:58,240 serve the speciality of the house, a double dose of the deadly clumsy drug. 320 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:00,320 There. 321 00:24:00,900 --> 00:24:07,000 You see, one double dose injected into this noble example of the convection's 322 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:12,720 art, and the drug will permeate all parts, permanently paralyzing any person 323 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:15,640 is permitted to partake of a portion. Precisely. 324 00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:18,100 One piece and poof. 325 00:24:22,950 --> 00:24:26,970 They become as clumsy as a bull in a knocking shop. 326 00:24:28,610 --> 00:24:29,609 China shop. 327 00:24:29,610 --> 00:24:31,410 What? China, China. 328 00:24:31,750 --> 00:24:33,350 Yes, any part of the world, whatsoever. 329 00:24:33,690 --> 00:24:34,690 It doesn't matter. 330 00:24:35,470 --> 00:24:39,770 So once more, a sinister net is cast that may land our heroes in trouble. 331 00:24:40,170 --> 00:24:42,070 Will Piggy refuse a piece of cake? 332 00:24:42,490 --> 00:24:44,530 Has he ever refused a piece of cake? 333 00:24:45,110 --> 00:24:46,830 And what of Madame Cocotte? 334 00:24:47,190 --> 00:24:48,970 Will she offer Charlie a bit? 335 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,560 And what will happen to Miss Ginsburg when the balloon goes up? 336 00:24:57,340 --> 00:25:01,900 Don't miss next week's enthralling episode, The Biter Bit. 337 00:25:29,740 --> 00:25:31,300 They want some ballet dancers down at the Royal. 338 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:50,840 Anything for a bricklayer? 339 00:28:51,210 --> 00:28:56,110 Thank you. Thank you, Michel Legrand. Now, that is rather a coincidence, I'll 340 00:28:56,110 --> 00:28:59,690 honest, because I was going to sing that number myself tonight. 341 00:29:01,030 --> 00:29:05,430 But I didn't get the chance to rehearse with the orchestra because this place 342 00:29:05,430 --> 00:29:07,910 was locked up during the day and we got thrown out of the bus shelter. 343 00:29:09,890 --> 00:29:13,650 Now, that takes a bit of believing, doesn't it? I mean, you know, the 344 00:29:13,650 --> 00:29:17,350 centre locked up all day and a 40 -piece orchestra rehearsing in the bus 345 00:29:17,350 --> 00:29:18,790 shelter. Anybody else? 346 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,720 Anybody else looking for an excuse would simply say laryngitis. 347 00:29:22,220 --> 00:29:23,760 Me, I have to tell the truth. 348 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:29,980 Anyway, it was not my idea to sing in the first place. Actually, Ronnie 349 00:29:29,980 --> 00:29:35,140 Hazlehurst, now he is the director of music for the whole of the BBC and a 350 00:29:35,220 --> 00:29:37,980 very, very important man he is around here. 351 00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:40,880 He's not here at the moment. I've asked him to go and get me some sandwiches. 352 00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:48,580 He said, Ron, he said, I'd like to hear you sing. 353 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:51,600 Well, actually, you'd like to hear anybody sing. It's just they're supposed 354 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:52,600 be. 355 00:29:53,420 --> 00:29:56,180 I met him in the bar. 356 00:29:56,580 --> 00:30:00,720 I met him in the bar just before the show. I'd gone up there to help them 357 00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:01,720 the producer. 358 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:06,740 Anyway, Ronnie Hazlehurst was there. I said, hello, Ron, how are you? He said, 359 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,340 all right, bloody big mouth, keep it down. 360 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:12,800 A sad loss to the diplomatic service when he left. 361 00:30:14,670 --> 00:30:18,810 I said, I'm sorry, but I always shout on account of you being a little bit 362 00:30:18,810 --> 00:30:19,810 mutton Jeff. 363 00:30:20,070 --> 00:30:22,310 He said, not anymore. He said, look at this. 364 00:30:22,590 --> 00:30:26,630 This is the smallest, most fantastic hearing aid in the world. He said, 365 00:30:26,670 --> 00:30:28,910 Japanese, no wires, no battery, nothing. 366 00:30:29,190 --> 00:30:32,170 Absolutely transistorized, guaranteed unbreakable and invisible. 367 00:30:32,610 --> 00:30:35,490 I said, that's marvelous. I said, how does it work? He said, it's about a 368 00:30:35,490 --> 00:30:36,490 quarter to eight. 369 00:30:41,570 --> 00:30:47,230 Anyway, as I'm not... Doing my solo, as a matter of interest, by the way, I 370 00:30:47,230 --> 00:30:53,630 heard today that my records have become very, very popular in Yugoslavia, where 371 00:30:53,630 --> 00:30:55,010 they happen to fit the parking meters. 372 00:30:59,470 --> 00:31:03,250 So I'm not going to say... Anyway, I've lost the mood now. I've lost the mood. 373 00:31:03,450 --> 00:31:04,409 Lost the mood. 374 00:31:04,410 --> 00:31:06,010 You know what it's like when you lose the mood? 375 00:31:06,830 --> 00:31:08,290 Might as well get up and make a cup of tea. 376 00:31:14,830 --> 00:31:21,710 I've lost the mood. I am going to tell you... I'm going to tell you 377 00:31:21,710 --> 00:31:22,710 a joke. 378 00:31:22,790 --> 00:31:25,610 I'm going to tell you a joke that my agent sold to me. 379 00:31:27,670 --> 00:31:30,330 It's about this very mean Scotsman. 380 00:31:30,690 --> 00:31:34,590 Now, which is rather a coincidence because I'm Scottish and he's meanish. 381 00:31:35,890 --> 00:31:39,370 He said, listen to this, Ron, he said. Listen to this. He looked at me like 382 00:31:39,370 --> 00:31:41,430 over his glasses. He always does that. 383 00:31:41,630 --> 00:31:42,850 Always looks over his glasses like that. 384 00:31:43,180 --> 00:31:45,400 You've got a theory that it says wear and tear on the lens. 385 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:53,860 We were actually at a party at his house at the time, you know, and we were 386 00:31:53,860 --> 00:31:56,500 waiting for the food to arrive from Meals on Wheels. 387 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:02,360 This was an unforgettable evening. We danced the night away to his father 388 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:03,700 whistling the best of Ronnie Ronald. 389 00:32:05,180 --> 00:32:10,160 At the end of the evening, we all lined up at the fairy grotto to see Father 390 00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:12,620 Christmas. You gave him 50p and you got your coat back. 391 00:32:17,180 --> 00:32:22,860 I really, I really, I really should be a bit careful what I say about agents, 392 00:32:23,100 --> 00:32:27,280 and him in particular, because theatrical agents have some funny ways 393 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:28,280 their own back. 394 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,520 How do you think these people get on new faces? 395 00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:36,680 Incidentally, that party was rather a special occasion. 396 00:32:37,060 --> 00:32:39,340 It was the anniversary of his silver divorce. 397 00:32:41,770 --> 00:32:45,690 Apparently it was one of those post -war marriages, you know. She was a German 398 00:32:45,690 --> 00:32:49,290 girl he met during the war when he was negotiating the sale of his trench. 399 00:32:51,530 --> 00:32:58,250 Their trouble was that they could never agree how to bring up the children. 400 00:32:59,030 --> 00:33:02,770 He wanted them to go into show business and she wanted them to attack Poland. 401 00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:18,060 a compromise and they marched into loo grade anyway here is this joke 402 00:33:18,060 --> 00:33:23,360 an old scotsman and his wife are at the local air display you see in their 403 00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:27,300 holidays and this scotsman says to a pilot of a small airplane he says the 404 00:33:27,300 --> 00:33:30,320 of me you know she said we've never been up one of these things and it's her 405 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:33,740 birthday so i thought i'd give her a special treat said how much would you 406 00:33:33,740 --> 00:33:37,500 charge to take me up in the air in your airplane you see the pilot said well 407 00:33:37,500 --> 00:33:41,030 it'll be five pounds each so the scotsman gets very upset and accuses 408 00:33:41,030 --> 00:33:42,950 taking the porridge out of the mouths of poor people. 409 00:33:43,930 --> 00:33:46,070 Which is a pretty sickening thought, so we sure won't do it. 410 00:33:50,030 --> 00:33:54,210 And in the end, the pilot said, all right, he said, I'll tell you what I'll 411 00:33:54,290 --> 00:33:58,130 He said, I'll take you up if you don't say, if you promise not to say a whole 412 00:33:58,130 --> 00:33:59,510 word during the flight. 413 00:33:59,730 --> 00:34:03,250 If you say that, if you don't say a word, you won't have to pay me. One 414 00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:05,790 said, and you pay. All right, so the Scotsman and the wife get in the 415 00:34:05,950 --> 00:34:06,589 you see. 416 00:34:06,590 --> 00:34:09,770 The plane takes off and the pilot thinks to himself, I'll make them talk if it 417 00:34:09,770 --> 00:34:10,408 kills me. 418 00:34:10,409 --> 00:34:14,650 So he starts. He does ten minutes of stunt flying, loops and rolls and upside 419 00:34:14,650 --> 00:34:16,909 down, feather, stall turns, the lot. 420 00:34:17,350 --> 00:34:20,350 And when they land, the pilot says, he said, well, Jock, he said, I've got to 421 00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:26,350 hand it to you. He said, ten minutes of my best stunt flying and you didn't say 422 00:34:26,350 --> 00:34:27,350 a word. 423 00:34:27,510 --> 00:34:31,230 The Scotsman said, no. He said, mind you, he said, I was sorely tempted when 424 00:34:31,230 --> 00:34:32,230 wife fell out. 425 00:35:16,839 --> 00:35:19,460 Evening, Jack, and how are you? 426 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:21,380 Fine, how's yourself? 427 00:35:21,820 --> 00:35:23,540 Don't ask me. 428 00:35:32,740 --> 00:35:38,860 Maybe put me on a diet. She says if me tongue gets 429 00:35:38,860 --> 00:35:44,540 bigger, it'll be too fat to reach the drum. Jack. 430 00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:47,620 And lots of other things as well. 431 00:36:05,660 --> 00:36:09,500 Tell me, how's your love life, Jack? 432 00:36:10,100 --> 00:36:13,800 Full of the joys of spring, mate. 433 00:36:14,820 --> 00:36:20,820 Is it still that six -foot brunette? The one with the enormous... 434 00:36:20,820 --> 00:36:27,800 Her name is Mary Jane She works at 435 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:34,580 the mattress factory She says that life like a bed is what you make it 436 00:36:34,580 --> 00:36:37,240 As long as you take it lying... 437 00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:52,720 I got it from the stores Isn't it a little one? I think it must be yours I 438 00:36:52,720 --> 00:36:55,520 got a big one I'm quite sure of that 439 00:37:57,580 --> 00:38:02,480 Drink meself. They should put beer on the national elf. 440 00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:06,480 You'd see a different show tonight. 441 00:38:06,820 --> 00:38:09,520 The band would get hissed and Mozart would list your... 442 00:38:32,810 --> 00:38:39,330 As we both finish here, why don't we have a meal round the Chinese? 443 00:38:40,150 --> 00:38:46,890 Or else I should go off me nut, cos me stomach thinks me throat's been cut. 444 00:38:47,890 --> 00:38:54,830 I'd much rather go round the pub to refloat my kidney that is 445 00:38:54,830 --> 00:38:58,770 aching. I don't want to feel awkward. 446 00:39:00,940 --> 00:39:04,280 space that I've reserved to pour some drink in. 447 00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:12,660 Ain't it a pity the pubs in the city all close at half past ten. 448 00:39:12,860 --> 00:39:16,580 If I had the power they'd close for an hour and open up again. 449 00:39:16,940 --> 00:39:21,880 I could get tonic and vodka and tonic till any time I like. And while the 450 00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:24,940 policeman watched me car and nip home on his bike. 451 00:39:31,340 --> 00:39:36,760 and enormous lumps of fried bread, fish, chopped chips, and steak and kidney 452 00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:40,600 pies by a girl who likes cookie news, big and good -looking, whose dumplings 453 00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:41,600 double the size. 454 00:40:17,710 --> 00:40:18,750 Any three of the gladiators? 455 00:40:19,850 --> 00:40:21,970 See you at the stage door straight after the show. 456 00:40:22,170 --> 00:40:24,530 Yeah, hurry up. The Chinese shut to the 11, you know. 457 00:40:25,010 --> 00:40:26,270 Oh, I've been hardly waiting. 458 00:40:27,070 --> 00:40:28,850 Prawn chops, do we, and a chicken fritter. 459 00:40:29,150 --> 00:40:32,790 Spiced potatoes. 460 00:40:33,070 --> 00:40:38,470 Hurry up, Phyllis, when he's beaten by the eighters. Two dry sherrys and a half 461 00:40:38,470 --> 00:40:42,330 a shandy. I'll run amok. Two crispy ducks. Wish you the best of luck. 462 00:40:42,950 --> 00:40:46,430 Oh, but he's drunk so much he can hardly stand. 463 00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:50,500 I have got a rather similar occasion plan. 464 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:51,920 So... 465 00:41:29,390 --> 00:41:33,830 Well, that's all for this week. On next week's programme, a sultan with 365 466 00:41:33,830 --> 00:41:37,250 wives explains why he looks forward to leap year. 467 00:41:41,650 --> 00:41:47,550 We'll have with us Mr Dudley Wilford, who yesterday on his 100th birthday was 468 00:41:47,550 --> 00:41:50,690 arrested for chasing 23 young women at an athletics meeting. 469 00:41:50,950 --> 00:41:54,650 He received a summons from the court and a telegram of congratulations from the 470 00:41:54,650 --> 00:41:55,650 Queen. 471 00:41:56,880 --> 00:42:00,660 And we'll continue our investigations into the political beliefs of nudists. 472 00:42:00,820 --> 00:42:03,200 We've already noticed a definite swing to the left. 473 00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:14,180 And we'll interview an expert in animal husbandry who crossed a hen with a banjo 474 00:42:14,180 --> 00:42:16,060 and got a chicken that plucks itself. 475 00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:22,860 And a sporting man who crossed a tin of baked beans with two cricket bats and 476 00:42:22,860 --> 00:42:23,860 got wind in the willows. 477 00:42:29,100 --> 00:42:35,000 And a scientist who crossed a lady's hairpiece with a tomcat and a duck and 478 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,260 a Platteville duckypoose. 479 00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:42,840 And finally, the Oxford butcher who crossed a turkey with an octopus so that 480 00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:44,200 boat crew could all have a leg each. 481 00:42:46,220 --> 00:42:52,940 But... Here is the latest news on the hunger strike by 482 00:42:52,940 --> 00:42:54,740 Liberal MP Cyril Smith. 483 00:42:55,460 --> 00:42:56,740 He is now... 484 00:42:57,100 --> 00:43:01,300 in his second week without food, and doctors have warned that his condition 485 00:43:01,300 --> 00:43:03,900 could become critical within 17 years. 486 00:43:07,720 --> 00:43:11,160 So, it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.