1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,160 What magnificent woods it is. It's massive. 2 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:09,600 There's a fire there, going. Summat happened. But what, I don't know. 3 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:12,720 It's a house in a very lonely place. BEAR GROWLS 4 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:13,960 You've got a big bear there. 5 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,920 Looks really frightening and threatening. 6 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,760 Then there's two people on the front. 7 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,840 One of them's very large and big. 8 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:23,600 And he's standing next to his friend, who is very small. 9 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:27,400 Yes, just like a little shrimp really. Oh! 10 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:31,120 It's Reeves and Mortimer. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,960 Trousers! Trousers! 12 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,240 Trousers! Trousers! 13 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,440 Trousers! 14 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:45,240 Trousers! Trousers! 15 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,880 Trousers! Trousers! 16 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:49,720 Trousers! Trousers! 17 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,640 Trousers! 18 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:58,880 # Skinny jeans are current but can compromise your nuts 19 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:02,360 # Chinos are for comfort but sit low beneath your guts 20 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,720 # Turn-ups can be useful when there's lots of falling glass 21 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:09,480 # But for all-round everyday wear, we suggest an A-line slack. # 22 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,360 Trousers! 23 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,240 That's trousers! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 24 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,000 Good evening. 25 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,560 The shrimp is with us. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 26 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,400 Talking about trousers, Vic. Yeah. 27 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,080 Talking about trousers, I was wearing trousers the other day when 28 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:31,120 a German shepherd came in through the hedge and had a dump on me lawn. 29 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:32,360 Yeah? Yeah. 30 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,040 His dog's as bad as well. 31 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,760 HORN TOOTS 32 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:43,040 Do you know? I used to wear trousers in the 1980s. 33 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:47,280 In fact, in the '80s, I spent two years in a squat. Really? 34 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:48,960 Then I stood up. 35 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:54,840 SAXOPHONE 36 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,040 Hey, I was wearing trousers the other night 37 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:03,360 when I went to the karaoke club with me Indian friend. Gerupta Singh? 38 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,200 Yeah, I got up. I like to, yeah. 39 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,120 Can you do this? 40 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,440 SLOSH 41 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,640 Urgh! 42 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,640 Nah, I can't do that. 43 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,160 Me neither. 44 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,480 FUNKY BASS GUITAR 45 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,920 PAN PIPES 46 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 47 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:25,440 Anyway, Bob, talking about trousers, do you like denim work wear slacks? 48 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,560 Yes, I do like them very much. Thank you for asking. They are nice, aren't they? Did you know, Vic? 49 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:33,880 These days, they're actually called jeans. Wait a minute. They're called what? Jeans. 50 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:38,360 Yeah, that's the new word for them. You've lost me there. Is there a new word for...? Yeah, jeans. 51 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,960 Have you got a favourite jean, Vic? I like Gene Hackman, Gene Roddenberry, Jean Harlow, 52 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:45,240 Gene Vincent. I like all them Genes. 53 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,680 They're people, you see, Vic? 54 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,560 The mistake you've made is you've forgotten that 55 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:54,840 I told you that the new name for denim workwear is jeans. 56 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,760 Yeah? Yes! Yes. Now I know. 57 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,400 So, do you have a favourite jean? 58 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,600 I suppose it's our sponsors, Geordie Jeans. Geordie Jeans. 59 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,600 Geordie Jeans! 60 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,840 Even the pop stars wear Geordie Jeans! 61 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,080 Bruno Mars! 62 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,480 24-carat magic! 63 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,840 Rag'n'Bone Man! 64 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:18,280 # I'm only hu-man after all! Don't put the blame on me. # 65 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,160 And Ed Sheeran! 66 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,000 I'm in love with the shape of your body. 67 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,120 What? What? 68 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,360 They can even calm down ADHD kids! 69 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:33,800 CHUCKLES 70 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,800 They're so nice and tight around the arse. 71 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:43,880 Geordie Jeans! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 72 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,840 Geordie Jeans. Geordie Jeans. 73 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,520 Geordie Jeans. Geordie Jeans. 74 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,720 I don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen, but round about this 75 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:55,640 time of night, what I like to do is pop a Freddo bar under a Scart lead. 76 00:03:56,840 --> 00:04:00,240 And that brings a lot of good luck... A lot of good luck. 77 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,640 ..I have always found. Yeah. 78 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,600 It does, yeah. Hiya. 79 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,640 LOUD THROBBING 80 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,200 Make it stop! 81 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,840 No! 82 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,280 Oh! 83 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:19,080 Vic... Magnetic hands. 84 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,400 Vic. Yeah? 85 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,240 I really enjoyed that. 86 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:29,000 Vic, I'm really surprised that you haven't mentioned me wig. What wig? 87 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,840 Me wig. You're not wearing a wig. 88 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:35,160 You're joking. Yes, I am. Is it? Really? Didn't you think I was? 89 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,200 Well, what a blend. You can't tell. Do you mean that? 90 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,440 You really can't tell. 91 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,080 Oh. I'm so pleased cos this were expensive. I bet it was. 92 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,760 How much did it cost? £30,000. £30,000?! 93 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,800 £30,000. 94 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,680 I mean, it seems like a lot of money, do you know what I mean? 95 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,840 But it's an entirely new system. Tell me about it. 96 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,760 Well, it's called All About The Blend 97 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:58,160 because it is about how it blends with your natural hair. It's a good blend. 98 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,920 It's actually, the company that makes it is actually 99 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:06,280 owned by Captain Mark Phillips. Do you remember Captain Mark Phillips? Yeah, I used to ride with him. 100 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:09,800 You used to ride with him? Yeah. Hey, didn't we all? 101 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,520 Didn't we all? Yeah, and what they do, it's a unique system... 102 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:16,960 What they do is they actually pluck individual hairs out of your Peter pipe. Yeah. 103 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,880 Your Cheddar Gorge. Your Cheddar Gorge. 104 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:24,280 Pluck them out and then stretch them and they apply butter to them. Ooh! 105 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:25,960 Yeah. Mm! 106 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,280 Really nice butter, you know, like Anchor, summat like that. 107 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:33,120 Mm! And they're individually sewn into the net, all about the blend. 108 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:36,920 Doesn't it blend? Yes, lovely! Fantastic! Thank you. Incredible. 109 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:41,120 Turn around. Let's have a look at the back of it. The blend? Superb. Isn't it? 110 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:43,400 MOUTHS 111 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:49,600 It's perfect, Bob. No, I'm really pleased with it. Absolutely unbelievable. 112 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,880 And to think you didn't even spot it. I didn't spot that you had a wig on, no. 113 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:56,240 That's fantastic. Yeah. Really good. So, what's been happening with you, Vic? 114 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,760 Well, I was on me way back from Chutney Club... Yeah. 115 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,400 It's good at Chutney Club. You and that Chutney Club. 116 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:06,240 I hardly ever see you these days. We've just learned how to put the lids on. Mm! 117 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,280 Anyway, I was coming back from Chutney Club 118 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,320 and it was pouring down with rain and I saw... 119 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,920 You know the actor Mel Gibson? I saw him and he was obviously having some car trouble cos 120 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,760 he got some water in his carburettor or something like that. 121 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,400 Anyway, he got out and he picked it up, he was very strong, 122 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,720 picked up the front of the car and he was banging it, bang, 123 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,040 bang, bang, in the pouring rain. Yeah. 124 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,040 I can hardly even imagine that. Would you like to see the memory? 125 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,000 I'd love to see it, yeah. 126 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,600 Oh, that's great. 127 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,680 Ha-ha-ha! 128 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,840 HORN TOOTS Unngg! 129 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,760 Uunnnggg! 130 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,480 Flamin' eck! Ooh, gawd! 131 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,800 That's a nice memory, that one. 132 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,200 Yeah. 133 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,760 Are you going to keep it? No, I don't really... Do you want it? 134 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,520 Yeah, I'll have it, yeah. Thank you. Sea salt? 135 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,280 Yes, I can see that. 136 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,720 Ooh! 137 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,400 Oof! Oh! 138 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,360 Oof! 139 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,680 Oh! 140 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,320 Oof! Oh, you're joking, aren't you? That's nice that, isn't it? 141 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:17,920 Oof! Oh! 142 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,720 Hello. Hello. 143 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,360 Hello. All right, lad? Lovely to see you. 144 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,240 All right? How do you do, lad? My name's Colin. 145 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,080 Colin. 146 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,880 Calling all cars, officer down! 147 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,520 Hey, I like that. I love that one! 148 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,480 You do like it? Ooh, love it! 149 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,840 There you go, there you go. 150 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,600 I'm Nicholas, by the way. I can tell. 151 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,920 Like two boiled eggs in a cycling sock! 152 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,040 Ha-hey! 153 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,240 Oh! Classic. 154 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:59,000 When was the last time you were on a date? I'm on one date now, actually. 155 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,280 There you are. I brought it along, you see. 156 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,840 At least, I hope it's a date. So do I! 157 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:08,120 It reminds me, I passed a lovely firm stool this morning. 158 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,240 I wish I'd stopped and bought it! Hey! 159 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,200 Love that one! 160 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,400 That's really good. That's a classic. Ain't it? 161 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:18,280 It really is, yeah. Toot-toot-toot! 162 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,320 Very, very good. If you don't mind me saying, Colin, 163 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,680 you've got a rather large head, haven't you? 164 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:27,320 It has been noted that it's quite large, yes. It's a sniper's dream. 165 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,080 You can't miss it! Bang! Boom! 166 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,760 You can't miss it! You couldn't miss it. And do you know what, 167 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,640 Nicholas? I noticed that you walked in with a bit of a limp. 168 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:39,520 Oh, I have, yeah. Sniper's nightmare. Oop! Do you understand? 169 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:43,640 Missed! Missed again! Nil points. Nil points, Mr Sniper! 170 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,320 Ooh, here it comes. 171 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:48,680 Ooh, there we are. Here it comes. Delightful, thank you. Come on then. 172 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,080 Let's tuck in. Yeah, why, has it popped out again? 173 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:55,520 Nonstop cabaret! 174 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,120 So, are you going to see each other again? 175 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,640 I don't know. Right, you go first, go on. 176 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,280 OK. No, sit down! 177 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,520 Classic, that! Love it. Love that. You do like it. 178 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:16,720 Right, I'll go first. 179 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,840 Right. I thought I might have to say this. 180 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,520 I can't speak the words, so I've written on me napkin. All right? 181 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,960 So, for the camera as well. 182 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,120 Oh! 183 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,760 Oh, it's double folded, hold on. 184 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:31,440 Oh! Hey! That's a good one! I like that. Me too. 185 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,080 Yeah? Shall we go and find some? 186 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:36,480 Yes, please. Piccadilly Circus? Correct. Come on. 187 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:43,160 And so, as the sun sets over the wood pigeon, the old farmer 188 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:47,320 buries his wife's necklace beneath the water pump. 189 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,400 Bomp-bom-bom! 190 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 191 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,520 So, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a bit of a treat for you now 192 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,600 because we've been working on an observation comedy routine. 193 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,720 Observational comedy. Observational comedy, which I know is all the trend. 194 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:10,480 Oh, hello. All right, lads? How are you doing? All right, thanks. Who are you, mate? 195 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:14,000 I'm Rod Stewart, aren't I? Rod Stewart?! You don't look much like him. The singer. 196 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,960 You don't look much like him. You don't look like Rod Stewart! 197 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,200 A percentage of people say that, like. Yeah. 198 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,440 Anyway, so what can we do for you, Rod? 199 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,440 I'm on at the O2 in about half an hour. 200 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,280 I was wondering if you could lend me the bus fare. 201 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,440 How much? 20 quid? 202 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,040 20 quid?! 20 quid?! The O2, it's only over there! 203 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,640 All right, tenner. 204 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,760 Tenner. I tell you what, we're down an act a bit later on. 205 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,480 If you come back and do a little bit of your show for us, 206 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,160 yeah, we'll give you a tenner. Is that all right? That'll do, yeah. 207 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,320 All right. Where do you want me to wait? Well, where do you normally wait 208 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:53,280 when you're at the O2 before you go on? At the vending machine with the fat drummer, looking at the lasses. 209 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,240 There's no lasses and there's no fat drummer, 210 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,520 but there's tea and coffee facilities back there. 211 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,840 Yeah, nice to meet you, Rod. Nice to meet you, lads. See you later. 212 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,440 Hey, Rod Stewart, eh? Rod Stewart, eh? 213 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,520 Come on, it's time to do it. Observation comedy. Let's do some. 214 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,680 It's our observation comedy. It's the modern way. 215 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:12,960 Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever noticed, ladies and gentlemen, that 216 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:19,320 in hotels, the thermostat control on the showers is always very erratic? 217 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,720 AUDIENCE: Yes. 218 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,920 Come on. Come on, this is good stuff. 219 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,720 Don't coat hangers get tangled up? 220 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,680 AUDIENCE: Yes. 221 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,920 Have you ever noticed...? You must have! 222 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:41,120 Have you ever noticed that you get your thing for the carwash, the 223 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:45,640 little code, and when you pull up at the machine, you can't reach it? 224 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:47,280 AUDIENCE: Yes. 225 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,320 Does anyone remember Babycham? 226 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,400 They still make it. 227 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,000 Who said that? What did he say? 228 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,680 What did you say? I was just saying, they still make it. 229 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,040 So it doesn't really... Can you get him out? 230 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,840 No, I'm just saying, it don't really work. Get him out. Come on. 231 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,040 Really? 232 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,320 Oh. Oh, just... 233 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,160 They still make Babycham, so it's just a silly thing, isn't it? 234 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,040 Doesn't really work. 235 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,960 MUFFLED ARGUING 236 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:25,640 GUNSHOT 237 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:29,040 Does anyone remember Babycham? AUDIENCE: YES! 238 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,040 Yes, very good. Nice ending there. That's observation comedy! 239 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,400 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 240 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,000 Hey, Bob. Hiya. 241 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,640 Hello. Hiya. Bob. Yeah? 242 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,280 Can we have a punch up? Have a punch-up? Yes, please! Come on! 243 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,400 Come on! Let's have a punch up. 244 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,840 Come on! Can't wait. You go first. OK. 245 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,960 THUMPING 246 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,040 Oof! Right. 247 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,560 Bourne Conspiracy. THUMPING 248 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,960 Right, Wonder Woman. 249 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,640 SWISH 250 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,800 DISCO MUSIC 251 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:16,760 The Hammer of Thor! 252 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:17,800 Shit! 253 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:22,720 SWOOSHING 254 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,120 THUMP 255 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:29,720 THUMPING 256 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,160 I win again! Hey, that was a good fight. Thank you. 257 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:37,080 Yeah, that was all right that, wasn't it? He always tops me with that hammer. 258 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,440 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 259 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:43,120 I'm sorry, Vic. I've got to leave you for a moment. I've got to do that thing I've been 260 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,720 meaning to do. Oh, that thing. I'm going to do it now, yeah. 261 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,200 Well, you'd better go and do it. Yeah. Ooh. 262 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,040 Oh, hey. Hello. 263 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:52,640 Vic, I've fallen. 264 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:57,040 I could see. Did you see? Did you trip over something? 265 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,800 A Piriton? 266 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,520 Yeah, maybe that or a Rennie. It was summat pharmaceutical. 267 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:05,480 Something like that, you tripped over, wasn't it? But main thing is, that felt pretty bad. 268 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,480 I want to have a look at the damage Vic. Let's have a look at the damage. 269 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,320 I can instantly see, I've took the top off a blister there. Yeah. 270 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,400 So, that's not nice, is it? How is your sacrodiliac? 271 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,520 Me what? Your sacrodiliac. I don't know what that is. 272 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:21,440 It's a ligament that attaches your kneecap via your nose to your anus. 273 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,040 I don't know. I'd better try. It goes all the way round. 274 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,400 Argh! Oh! Oh! 275 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,520 No! So that's gone as well. Yeah. 276 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,840 For this blister, can you get us a plaster? 277 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,640 Have you got a plaster, please? But I want one of those Frozen ones, 278 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,240 with the characters from Frozen on it. 279 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:42,280 For me blister. I'd like to get that for you, but I can't, can I? I'd like to get you a Frozen plaster, 280 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,600 but you've used them all up. You took them all out of the packet and stuck them 281 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,480 on the back of your Big Bang Theory backpack! Yes, I did. I said, "One day, you'll want a plaster 282 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:53,680 "and they won't be in there because you've stuck them all over the back of your Big Bang Theory backpack!" 283 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:57,040 You stupid boy! No, I accept that. Vic, will you do summat for us? 284 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,600 Would you phone me mum, yeah? And ask her to bring some. 285 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:04,120 Your mum, Pissy Pat. She's not called Pissy Pat. Pissy Pat. 286 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:08,600 Is this her, "Mummy"? No, that's her chatroom I'm involved in. 287 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,760 The next one, I think. 288 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,840 "Mum at work." "Mum at work," that's it, yeah. 289 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,040 Ooh, sometimes... Thanks, Vic. 290 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:20,160 Hello? Yeah, can I speak to Mrs Mortimer, please? Yeah, Pissy Pat. 291 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,760 Yeah. 292 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,200 Right. Could you tell her her son, Bob, has... 293 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,960 Yeah, Wanky Bob. Yeah. 294 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:32,440 Could you tell her that he's fallen over and he needs a plaster? OK. 295 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:36,240 Bye. She's gone off for two weeks to Yates's Wine Lodge on holiday. 296 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:42,240 Oh, not again! I'm just going to have to... Hang on a minute. What? 297 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,560 Why don't you use...use one of them? What, a second-class stamp? 298 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,200 Yeah. No, it'll take forever to heal then, won't it? 299 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,920 Pissy Pat, honestly! You idiot! 300 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,960 You what?! What did you call me then? 301 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,040 You're an idiot! Oh, I'm an idiot, eh? Yes, you are. 302 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,880 Yeah. Would an idiot be able to do this? 303 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:05,240 Huh? No. Yeah, exactly. 304 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,360 Just think about what you say in future. 305 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,080 APPLAUSE 306 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,200 Let's take a trip to Novelty Island. 307 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 308 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,600 MUSIC PLAYS 309 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,920 Here we are with the paddock of Novelty Island. 310 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:26,000 We're going to see three turns who are going to present themselves 311 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,200 in the paddock and the first turn tonight is David Little-Peacock. 312 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,120 David has a double-barrel name, a double-barrel shotgun 313 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:37,680 and a double entendre company in Long Nobbington near Bristol City. 314 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:43,040 And here he is, David Little-Peacock. 315 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,080 SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello. 316 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,760 Hello, everyone. Hello, Mr Reeves. 317 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:51,280 Hello, there, yes. So, David... Hello. 318 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,800 Yeah, it's my doglect. 319 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:57,880 I operate a small laboratory up in Stranraer where I make hybrids, 320 00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,440 you know, crossbreeds. 321 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,040 Yeah, and clones. I myself am a humbould. 322 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,840 I'm part human, part boulder. 323 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:12,600 This is the doglect, it's part otter, part lecturer. Part radish. 324 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,000 Part radish! There was a wee amount of radish. What does your doglect do? 325 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,000 Aye, we're going to sing a tender song together. Right, OK. 326 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,840 If you could assist me, Mr Reeves. 327 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,640 If you'd like to come round to the doglect's side there 328 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:28,880 and I'll indicate during the song when you need to lift its beak. 329 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:33,200 OK. So, if we could have the music, please? 330 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:38,400 # It was a hard afternoon In the middle of June 331 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,720 # When I first met my baby... # 332 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,920 DOGLECT WHISTLES 333 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,920 # ..As she slowly walked by... # 334 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,240 WHISTLES 335 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,800 # ..I said Hey, that's my lady... # 336 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,800 WHISTLES 337 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,840 So there you have it. There you have it. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 338 00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,520 That's the doglect. 339 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:03,920 Fantastic. Thanks for having me, Mr Reeves. Goodbye from the doglect. 340 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,800 Bye-bye, he says. Cheerio. 341 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:11,240 David Little-Peacock and his doglect. 342 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:16,600 Second act in the paddock tonight, please welcome Rod Stewart. 343 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,920 MUSIC PLAYS 344 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:26,520 All right, Rod? Hiya. What's this? It's me arse-kicking machine. 345 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,000 I thought you were going to do something for my show. It is. 346 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,920 I use it to kick the backing singers up the arse during the boring bits of Maggie May. 347 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,760 Right. Well, you're not kicking me up the arse with it. No, 348 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,320 I'm going to stand in there, you're going to kick me up the arse. 349 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:40,800 All right. Well, you get in there. 350 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,520 And this is what you use to kick the backing singers up the arse. 351 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:48,080 Backing singers' arses. Yeah. Right. Here we go, then. Five for a tenner. 352 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:52,600 Right, OK. Remember, five, no more. Right, got you. Because I know you. 353 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,680 Yeah. Right. All right, then. Here we go. 354 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,800 Ow! Ah! 355 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,560 Argh! Oh! Ow! That's five. 356 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:05,480 That's five, ain't it? Five. Tenner, now. There you are, £10. 357 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,000 Here, take that with you, you'll need it tonight. 358 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,400 Who have you got supporting you? I don't know, Bryan Adams, I suppose. 359 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 360 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:20,840 BELL RINGS 361 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,120 Act number three in the paddock of Novelty Island is... 362 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,360 He's a friend of doctors, dentists and athletic... 363 00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:31,280 CHEERING 364 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,720 It's...Graham Lister. 365 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,920 MUSIC: Caroline by Status Quo 366 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,920 Good evening, Reeves. Good evening, Reeves. 367 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:53,120 I see you look like a pudding that's turned towards the daft. 368 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,720 You've not progressed much in life, have you, Reeves? 369 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,080 I'm here to perform my act, can we carry on with it, please? 370 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,560 Yes, sure. What is it you're going to do? 371 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,920 I'm going to touch that cornucopia with my hand. 372 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:06,320 If you step outside the paddock, you are disqualified. 373 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:11,360 I am well aware of the rules, Reeves. I've been doing this for 28 years. 374 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:15,120 If you could assist me, please, Reeves, by passing me my hand pipe. 375 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,480 Right. Yeah, OK. 376 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,800 Using the hand pipe, I will disorganised my arm muscles, 377 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:28,680 limbs and bones so that I'm able to touch the cornucopia with my hand. 378 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,360 Could I have the serious music, please? 379 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:34,080 MUSIC: Mastermind theme 380 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,480 TWANG! 381 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,240 It's a quality item, ladies and gentlemen. 382 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,040 I'll see you shortly when I am inevitably victorious. 383 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:49,120 Cream always rises. Thank you, Reeves. Very poor. 384 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:55,480 Very poor indeed. Well, anyway, watching the acts and judging the winner tonight, 385 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:59,680 please welcome the children's entertainer Simon Cowell. 386 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,440 MUSIC PLAYS 387 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:10,640 OK. Simon, now you're going to tell us who is the winner tonight. 388 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,560 Was it act number one, David Little-Peacock and his doglect? 389 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,600 Was it act number two, Rod Stewart? 390 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,280 Was it act number three, Graham Lister? 391 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,560 MUSIC: Caroline by Status Quo 392 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,440 Choose between diesel, 393 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:56,040 meat or grout. 394 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:01,720 For the ladies, talcum powder, Prosecco or salad. 395 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:05,600 Eileen, I see you're wearing them scented inserts in your Geordie jeans. 396 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:09,160 Give us a sniff, man. Help yourself, Brian. 397 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,120 She's quality crumpet. 398 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:15,760 You're bastard right I am. 399 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,800 AMERICAN ACCENT: Perfuffles. 400 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:28,000 Frimple cakes. Perfuffles. 401 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,680 Excuse me, you can't sell your wares here, I'm in the middle of doing a show. 402 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,200 I've come all the way from Wisconsin... 403 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:39,640 on a steamboat to sell my perfuffles, my frimple cakes and hooties. 404 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:43,600 OK. All right, you've come so far, come and tell us about your cakes. 405 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:50,360 Look at them. Here's a hooty, here's a perfuffle. Touch it, soft. 406 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:54,080 So soft, right? It is a very soft cake. Soft, right? It's very soft. 407 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:57,000 Well soft, right? Yeah, it's really soft. Well soft, right? 408 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,640 Frimple cakes. Touch them, they're real soft, right? 409 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:04,240 OK. So what's the frimple taste of? Coconut. 410 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:09,360 Do you want to take them, please? 411 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:13,120 Hold on a minute. Take those glasses off, please. 412 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,360 Who are you? 413 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:22,840 Take that hat off as well. Take the hat off. Oh, it's you! 414 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:28,600 Yeah, sorry. You twister! I'm sorry. Oh, well, that's nice. 415 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 416 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,960 Bob, I've just noticed you're not wearing your wig. 417 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,240 No, I've lost confidence in it. Why's that? 418 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,520 Well, people were, like, poking me. Poking fun of you? Literally poking me 419 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:43,240 and saying, like, "Terrible blend, Bob." Really? Yeah, so I just took it off. 420 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,760 I can't see why. Hey, I'm a wig salesman, I could help you out. Really? 421 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,000 I sell them mainly around the States... 422 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,280 NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: ..but sometimes in New Zealand. 423 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:56,360 I sell me wigs in New Zealand to mainly people who work in the motor industry. 424 00:23:56,360 --> 00:24:01,360 I'm in luck there, I should come to you. I've got my samples here, do you want to have a look? 425 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:05,120 You've got them with you? Yeah, yeah. How lovely for me. Yeah, I'd love to try some on. 426 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,200 Hang on a minute. Get me samples now. 427 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,800 God, what have you got in there, a dead body? 428 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,720 Eh? What's in there, a dead body? No. 429 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,440 Why, has someone been saying something? 430 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:20,560 No, I was just making a little joke. It's not funny. OK. 431 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:21,800 I'll just get ready. 432 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,680 You'll fix some to me, will you, Vic? Yeah, let's have a look. 433 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,720 I'll see what I can sort you out with. What have we got here? 434 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:30,200 Hang on, wait a minute. 435 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:37,440 How is that? It's got a really good fit, but it's a bit heavy for me. 436 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,880 Is that too heavy for you? Yeah. Do they look any good? 437 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,120 Yeah, it looks all right. It's too heavy for me. 438 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:46,960 I need something a bit lighter, you know what I mean? Something a bit lighter. A bit more summery. 439 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:51,360 Oh, rustle... There. How's that? It's really light. 440 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:55,520 It's lovely and light. I haven't got a mirror, Vic. Have you got somewhere I could look? 441 00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:57,400 Hang on. Have a look in that. Thank you. 442 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:04,720 Oh, is this newspaper? Yeah. I need something more durable than that. 443 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:08,720 Really? No, I need something more durable than that. Hang on. Just wait there, then. 444 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,240 SPLATTERING AND SQUELCHING 445 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,400 Right. Can't wait. 446 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,880 AUDIENCE GROANS 447 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:22,280 Oh, I like that. Yeah, that looks pretty good. Let's have a look. Let's have a look. 448 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,760 Yeah. That feels perfect. Have a look. 449 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:29,200 What do you think? Yeah, I like it. Do you like it? I really look like someone. 450 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,160 Who do you think? Who is it I look like? Er... 451 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:38,080 Who is it? Olly Murs. That's it, it's Olly Murs! 452 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:42,840 It is, it's Olly Murs. It's quite striking really, ain't it? 453 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,600 Thank you. 454 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,920 Zero, zero, zero. 455 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:14,040 Niner, eight. 456 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:20,840 Zero, zero, five, seven, two. 457 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,120 Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's the end of the show. 458 00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:29,800 We've got a really special treat for you. 459 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,280 I don't know if you remember, a bit earlier with me new wig, 460 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,400 I looked a bit like Olly Murs. 461 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:37,960 Well, tonight, to close the show, as a very special guest, 462 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,480 we've got Mr Olly... Bob, he said he can't make it. 463 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:44,000 What do you mean he can't make it? He said he can't get here. 464 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,200 He says he's really sorry, but he can't do. 465 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:49,040 I just saw him about half an hour ago, he couldn't wait to get on. 466 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,480 I know, yeah, but he can't do it. 467 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,760 He said he can't do it, he was really apologetic. 468 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,920 Really sorry about it. He said he's... 469 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,680 He's really cut up about it. 470 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,400 No, he must be in bits. Well, he is actually, yeah. 471 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,040 So what are we going to do to finish the show, then, son? 472 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:09,600 Well, I've got another memory. Good one, bad one? It's a bit of both. 473 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:11,800 It was in the same brainstorm that I saw Mel Gibson. 474 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:13,800 I was going through the same brainstorm 475 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,440 and I saw Idris Elba, the actor, 476 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,760 running along through the rain with a couple of falcons on his shoulders. 477 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:21,880 He was trying to get his falcons to the sanctuary before they got wet. 478 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:24,640 Why didn't he just take them inside? 479 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,400 I don't know. 480 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:32,600 You just don't know. I don't know. No, I would love to see that. 481 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,480 Would you like to see that memory? It'd be nice, wouldn't it? 482 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,480 I'll get me memory hat on. Put the memory hat on. 483 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,280 Do you want to see this memory? Of course I do. 484 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:49,440 Come on. Come on, let's get there quick. 485 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:53,440 Come on! Come on. 486 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,920 Yeah, it's interesting. 487 00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,880 I've enjoyed that very much. Are you going to keep that memory? 488 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,280 I don't want it, no, you have it. Put it in your pocket. OK. 489 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,520 Look, we must commemorate that memory in some way, Vic. 490 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,600 What do you reckon? Let's commemorate it in song. 491 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,560 Let's do a song all about Idris' problems. 492 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:13,360 Use your special instrument. # Idris Elba 493 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,720 # Is running through the rain 494 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:19,200 # Idris Elba Isn't it a shame? 495 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:21,200 # Idris Elba 496 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:25,080 # He got his kestrels wet Idris Elba 497 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,920 # He hasn't got home yet... # 498 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:44,520 # Idris Elba 499 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:52,960 # Idris Elba 500 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:00,200 # Idris Elba 501 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,360 # Idris Elba. # 502 00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:09,920 Good night!