This programme contains some strong language
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
They've arrived for a Big Night Out it's Vic and Bob!
CHEERING
BOTH: # Shut up, shut up Eat your boiled potatoes
BOTH: # Shut up, shut up Eat your boiled egg
# Shut up, shut up Eat your Curly Wurly
# And just stop talking shit! #
UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES
# Shut up, shut up Eat your smoked haddock
# Shut up, shut up Eat your pickled onions
# Shut up, shut up Eat your tinned carrots
# And just stop talking shit! #
Shit!
CHEERING Shit!
Good evening! CHEERING
It's a good message, though, innit?
It's a good message for us all to learn.
If you're... You know, if you're out having a nice meal,
just have...just a light talk!
Just soft, light talk.
"How high's your cat?"
"How high is your cat?" Just something nice and gentle.
Gentle. "Are you wearing knickers?"
"How many teeth have you got...today?"
"Yeah, I'm wearing two pairs of knickers today,
"cos it's cold outside." Yeah.
"Ooh, darling, love, have you ever spewed up
"at a disciplinary hearing?"
"No, I haven't."
But, you know, then the conversation'll flow.
It'll flow nicely. Anyway...
"Where did you get your hair done?
"At the shops?" "At the shops!"
See how we're getting on?
BOTH SIGH
Anyway, talking of lovely dinners like that,
I'm having Christmas dinner this year with the whole family.
Oh, that's lovely.
That's Mr and Mrs Hole
and their two sons Plug and Arse.
LIVELY MUSIC
CHEERING
VIC AND BOB CHUCKLE
Fantastic! Yeah.
So, you know, talking of Christmas, I always...
Talking of Christmas, I'm having a turkey for Christmas. Always do.
Last year, I went to the butcher's and I said,
"How do you prepare your turkeys for Christmas?"
He said, "We just tell them straight out they're going to die."
CHEERFUL MUSIC
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
Oi!
CHEERING
Oh-ho! Ohh...
It reminded me of the time we were in Sparks.
Hey, Bob? Bob? Yeah?
Can you do this? Ready? Yeah.
BELL CLANGS
One, Vic, no, I can't do that.
Two, I would love to.
I bet you would! Who does it attract, the bell?
Well, it attracts worshippers, first of all, occasionally moths,
and sometimes a sailor. Oh, yeah.
Lucky lad. Lucky lad.
Yep, yep.
Hearing a church bell, though, it's just made me
feel a little bit sick, cos I need to make a confession.
Have you done summat awful again? Yeah.
You haven't done that thing with your finger, have you?
Well, that's part of it, yeah.
Part of it? I need to get it off me chest.
It's going to be difficult for me to do the show, to be honest.
I can see it's worrying you, innit?
I need to get it off me chest.
But I might be able to help you because...
Oh, hey-up!
I know a fella who has a portable confession booth.
Really? Yeah.
And he's nearby, you dickhead.
I could go and see him and see if I can get him to...
Sorry, what did you say then? I said he's...
What...? I'm sorry, I didn't hear. No, I didn't say anything.
I just said I know a bloke... Right.
...who's got a portable confession booth
and he's nearby, you dickhead, so...
Yeah, I'll go and see if he might be able to absolve you.
Well, I might be very interested. Are you interested?
I'd be very interested in that.
OK, I'll, um...
I'll just go and see if he's ready...
OK.
...to come and, um, come and give you a confession.
Yeah, no hurry. You...
Yeah, sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen,
but I have done something terrible
and, you know, it's really, like, churning me up.
If I could see this...
...get it off me chest, it'd be great.
Oh, hello. Hi. Hi.
HE IMITATES A TRUMPET
BOTH IMITATE A TRUMPET
I am the Reverend Q Macaroon.
Oh, right. Well, take a seat, Reverend.
And I've got a portable confession booth.
I can see.
It's a beauty!
Do you like it? I like it very much.
Is it just dirty or...? It's the Turin Shroud.
Ah, right... I don't know what...
It's the face of Christ. Right.
That's the face of Christ?
Well, I got it off an out-of-work coroner.
That's what he told me. Oh, right.
It might just be Roy Wood, I don't know.
Well, you're very lucky to...
Just, um, what's this...? What are these soft...?
Oh, I put them on for good luck. It's good-luck flumps.
Bring you good luck when you're doing a confession.
OK. Have you got any holy water or...?
Oh, hang on.
SQUEAKING
Is that holy air, is it?
Well, unconventional, but let's go for it.
Yeah. Are you ready to confess? Yes, I am.
Yes, thank you so much, um, Reverend.
Go on, then, confess.
Well, my first confession is I'll be quick. My friend, Vic,
he's got a frogman suit, yeah, and I cut it into strips.
You what? You did what?!
Oh, it's you! I thought I was with the Reverend.
He was lovely, the Reverend Macaroon.
He had holy air and everything!
My frogman suit? Yeah. I know.
You're always cutting stuff up into strips, aren't you?
Me plastic under-sheet, now me frogman suit.
What do you cut stuff into strips for?
Restraints.
CLANG!
HE GROANS
Let's heat things up, then!
Watch this. HE SPITS, IRON HISSES
Come here! Come here! Come here!
Who? What? Where? Come here!
HE GROANS
Sizzle, sizzle.
Argh! I'm branded for life!
Right! All right, then.
No, please, no!
No! Hey?
No, please!
Look, look, look.
Huh?
Look. What's that?
Do you like that little bastard? HE GASPS
You're interested, aren't you?
HE SNIFFS
HE GRUNTS AND SNIFFS Yeah?
You can have a look.
HE SHRIEKS
HE GASPS AND GRUNTS
See, what it's done is made him want to piddle.
TRICKLING
Ooh, that's got to me now, that, as well.
TRICKLING
APPLAUSE
We will send you a sachet of soil to hide...
...direct from our field of soil here in Norfolk.
Everybody loves to hide soil. Hide it in your house.
About yourself. In your car.
On the shelf. You're on the bus.
It's in your pocket. And nobody knows.
The sachet will ensure it doesn't turn to mud.
Secret soil. Only you know where the soil is hidden.
Everybody loves a secret.
# Where is the soil? #
Welcome back. Bob, there was a terrible fight backstage in the dressing room.
Ooh, terrible fight.
BOTH: Terrible fight! Terrible, terrible, terrible fight!
Who between? It was, um, the judge David Walliams...
Is it David or Derek?
David Walliams. Yeah?
Oh, you do an impression of him!
Yes, I do. Do your impression.
IRISH ACCENT: "The computer says no."
HE MOUTHS
That's him, innit?
No, David...
David Walliams.
IRISH ACCENT: "The computer says no."
Ain't that him? No, he's more like...
NASALLY: "The computer says no." Or summat like that.
IRISH ACCENT: "The computer says no."
It's... It's very good. Well, anyway, so...
David Walliams. Yeah?
And he was having a fight with, um, Warwick Davis.
Warwick Davis? Yeah.
Oh, right, yeah.
A terrible fight. Yeah.
Started off,
Warwick landed an awful, powerful punch on his knee.
Did he? Yeah, he is quite small, isn't he?
Anyway, I filmed the whole thing on me doogle cam.
Oh, I'd love to... Doogle cam? What's a doogle cam?
Well, it's a little, mini, tiny, mini camera
that James Bond often uses.
Tiny one. Ah, get you. Get you.
And I call it a doogle cam... Yeah?
...cos I sellotape it to me doogle, you know.
I know what you mean.
The young lad who lives in the woods. I know that. I know.
In the wooded area. What a character.
Yeah, so I sellotaped it on
and then poked it through the keyhole...
To get the footage.
...and filmed the whole thing. And can we see it now?
It was terrible! Yes, we can see it.
Oh, I'd love to.
DISCORDANT MUSIC
VIC: And that was it.
Do you know, I'm starving, absolutely starving.
Well, have to have a fat ball, or something. I don't know.
Have you got any? No, I haven't, actually.
I don't know why I said fat ball.
I want something like... I want a nice,
rich coffee cake, or something like that.
BOTH: Ohhh!
Or some Gorgonzolo.
Oh, lovely stuff.
Or duck in orange paint.
BOTH: Ooh!
Or, um, a nice pork groin.
Well, why don't you have some fruit? Tide you over.
Oh, you know I can't eat fruit. Come on, give it...
You know what happens when I eat fruit.
Yeah, all right. Come on, just try.
It's going to happen again if I eat it. Well, we'll see.
What did I say? Told you.
You really can't eat it, can you? No.
All right, lads, what are you doing?
Who are you?
Tom Cruise, the actor.
Looks like him. It does look like him.
You all right, Tom? What are you doing in town, Tom?
Doing a stunt up the street.
Oh, right. What sort of stunt are you doing?
Just grabbing hold of a hot exhaust pipe and pulling it a bit.
Ah, well... Ah, right.
Well, good luck with that, then. Anyway, we'd better crack on.
Got to get on.
Oh, you're all right. I'll just hang about here.
All right. All right.
We'll just... Anyway, later on, ladies and gentlemen,
we've got Keira Knightley. She's going to come on
and cover a bell in crab paste.
What are those wires down there for? What are they for?
Microphones and tellies and that?
Yeah, a lot of sound wires and... Yeah, all that sort of thing, Tom.
But we'd better get on. Sorry.
What are you doing? Having a laugh?
Making jokes and messing about and that?
Yeah. Kind of, yeah. That sort of thing, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway,
I've gotta go and do the stunt. Thank God for that.
Here's a pound each to go and buy some sweets.
All right.
Thanks, Tom.
Oh, sorry about that.
Tom Cruise!
Do you know what?
Maybe we should just have our supper early.
Yeah, OK. Yeah, go on. I mean, why not?
Did you not bring anything, boys and girls?
Ah, lovely. There we go.
Right, there's a spoon. Let's tuck in.
SMOOCHY MUSIC
MOUTHS: # That's good... #
MOUTHS: # Oh, yeah... #
MOUTHS: # Ooh... #
MOUTHS: # Oh, yes! #
Nice sandwich, that. It's nice, that sandwich.
It's just us two at sandwich club again, innit?
Just us two again.
So, what's the story with your jacket, like?
Oh, what, the fire-damaged jacket? Aye, yeah.
Well, you know Eric Clapton? Aye, Eric Clapton.
Aye. Ding, dong, dang.
Aye, ding, dang, dong, Eric Clapton.
Aye. Well, he climbed up the chimney in the orphanage...
Oh, aye. Oh, I get it. ...near me, like, you know?
You know what I mean, like? He was up the top of the chimney.
He was going to make a dramatic entrance at Christmas,
you know, for the orphans.
Oh, for the orphans? Yeah. But he got up there too soon.
It was in June. Oh, right. He was waiting there for some time.
The matron set the fire and set him on fire.
So they called me in cos I've had experience in that sort of thing.
Well, they'd call you in, you'd know all about that.
I know all about that job.
Climbed up the chimney to set him free, which I did do.
Mick Hucknall was up there an' all.
Yeah? But I just left him in there.
You just left Mick, did you?
You know George Clooney? Oh, George Clooney!
He's gorgeous. Oh, he's gorgeous. Sexy George Clooney.
He was there. He was born with a crest...like a cockatoo.
Yes.
They called me in to remove it.
Cos I've got experience in this... Oh, you... Yeah.
I've got a pair of scissors from when I was in the Navy.
Oh, you kept your naval scissors? I kept me naval scissors.
I was in the Merchant Navy.
I was hired in occasionally to cut off funnels.
Oh, right. So you cut it off for him, then?
So I cut it off for him and, um, I put it on eBay.
Oh, did you flog it? I flogged it for £78,000.
Oh, right. Who bought it, then?
Chris Evans. Chris Evans. Did he?
Uses it as a fan when he gets in a huff at the car.
You know?
He does get in a huff, Chris, like. Yeah. Do you know what?
I was digging around in me garden the other day with me hook.
Oh, right. And I dug up what I thought was
some Saxon knick-knacks. Ah, right.
You know, like, Saxon knick-knacks, paraphernalia
and that, they're hard. You know that? Aye.
You know, like curly fucking bracelet things.
I'm sorry. Like...?
Bracelets with fucking curls.
Anyway...
So you're digging up this stuff, like Saxon stuff?
Saxon shite, you know?
I dug it up. Turned out to be just, like,
a load of old hair clips and a fuse box.
And a fuse box?
Yeah. So I put it on eBay as Saxon paraphernalia.
Saxon leftovers, like.
Saxon knick-knacks, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I sold it. Yeah? Did you sell it?
Aye. How much did you get for it?
£58,000. Not bad.
Who'd you sell it to?
Chris Evans.
Oh, I got a good find the other day, like, mate.
What did you find? I got up in the attic, right,
I just pulled down, like, a plump carrier bag, you know?
I opened it up, it's full of, like, zips.
Oh, nice zips. Bare zips and that.
Did someone mention summat about zips?
Chris Evans.
BOTH: It's Chris Evans.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Chris.
Well, I'll have 'em off you. How much?
How much?
29,000?
£29,000, mate.
Deal!
There you go.
We will send you a sachet of throwing mud...
Direct from our field of mud here in Norfolk.
Throw it at a neighbour! At an intruder.
Throw it on stage, mid opera.
For long-distance work,
we'll send you this shitty shotty stick.
In a cardboard tube.
Huge distances can be achieved,
bringing the whole town within range.
Throwing mud! The natural fighting tool!
Anyway, let's take a trip to Novelty Island.
BELL RINGS
LIVELY MUSIC
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
Right, Novelty Island,
and the first turn in the paddock here at Novelty Island has...
...previously been a flight attendant, a flight risk,
a flautist and a fly-tipper.
He's 21 years old
and claims to be Britain's only gay man.
INCOHERENTLY: Quite a boast.
That's quite a boast, ladies and gentlemen, quite a boast.
NORMALLY: Ladies and gentlemen... Ooh, it's Graham Lister.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LIVELY MUSIC
Yes, it's time for some quality entertainment here on the stage.
You're pathetic. You really are.
Still parading around like a chaffinch with his tackle out.
Oh, yes, yeah.
With your big bulbous head on you. What have you been eating? Turf?
HE LAUGHS So, what is this thing?
You soft lad. Ooh, you soft git.
How does that make you...?
Ooh, you soft git, is it? Yeah.
How does that make you feel?
Pretty bad.
What have you got in here anyway, in this cardboard box?
Here tonight, I present a quality item, Reeves.
It's Beakie the owl.
I rescued him, um, from... Is it a real owl?
It's a real owl, yes.
I rescued him from the shit farm in Sunderland.
I did. I cared for him for many months and fed him,
and now he's here to perform
his little act for you tonight. It's Beakie.
There he is.
Now... LAUGHTER
What you laughing at him for? Is that a real owl?
Yes, it's a real owl!
What are you laughing at?
Do you want him to lose his confidence?
Are you all with him? Right...
Anyway, on the command "Shakira",
which you will give... Yes.
...he will hoot and he will urinate into this milk bottle.
Superb act, isn't it?
Very good.
Shakira!
HE IMITATES AN OWL HOOTING
Quality item.
Imagine that... That's not him!
That's not him hooting, that's you.
I think you'll find it is. Do it again.
Well, say "Shakira". Shakira!
HE IMITATES AN OWL HOOTING
Very precious stuff that, Reeves. You're a very lucky lad.
Thank you. I'll see you later, when I've inevitably won.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
Act number two is George Meatmarket.
He's here tonight to raise awareness
for a condition he thinks he might have.
Well, that's nice, isn't it? Ladies and gentlemen, here comes George.
I don't know if you've noticed, ladies and gentlemen,
but George is backwards.
And, um, tonight, he's going to sing a little tune
with his young friend, Prairie Pete.
So, if you're ready...?
HIGH-TEMPO YODELLING
ELECTRONIC BURBLING
HIGH-TEMPO YODELLING
ELECTRONIC BURBLING
HIGH-TEMPO YODELLING ELECTRONIC BURBLING
HIGH-TEMPO YODELLING
Thank you!
There you go!
George Meatmarket there.
The next act is Bill Decker.
'60S-STYLE MUSIC
WOLF WHISTLE
Bill Decker, um...
So, Bill Decker, what do you do?
My name is Bill Decker. Good.
And I'm...
Ooh.
...a murderer.
INCOHERENTLY: Quite a boast, ladies and gentlemen, quite a boast.
I'm here tonight to do impressions of some African animals.
African animals? Two African animals.
All right, then.
So, would you like to kick off? Let's have the first animal.
I have to take my hands out of my pockets.
CHEERING
My first animal, here it comes now.
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Is it a monkey?
It's a monkey. You're quite... Ooh. ...right.
Very good.
Was that monkey stabbing someone?
Yeah.
Hitchhiker, 1976, A303.
OK. Very good. um, second animal.
You have to guess what it is, right?
HE TRUMPETS
HE IMITATES GUNSHOTS
That was an elephant.
That's right. And, um,
did that elephant just shoot someone?
Yeah, that was a travelling salesman.
1993. M6.
Thank you very much. Right-ho.
Bill Decker!
'60S-STYLE MUSIC
And watching and judging the acts tonight
is Jeff "The Fly" Goldblum's ironing board.
And representing the three acts
that we've seen are Jeff's underpants.
One, two, three Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
The rest of the week, he doesn't need them because he's The Fly.
So, who is the winner tonight at Novelty Island?
Bill Decker!
'60S-STYLE MUSIC
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
It's Bill Decker!
Well done, Bill.
I do that when I'm happy.
You want some? You want some?
Right on.
Over.
Pleased to have won. I bet you are.
I'll leave you with this.
EXPLOSION
BURBLING AND PUFFING
THEY GRUNT
GUITAR MUSIC
HISSING
TOOT!
Sponsored by a television station.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
Vic has had some very expensive plastic surgery.
He's had a new nose. Yeah.
I'm really pleased with it. Are you pleased with it?
I actually haven't seen it yet, but I think I'll be pleased with it.
But it feels good, yeah?
It feels great. It feels a lot better.
I got it done at, um, John's, the plastic surgeon's in Lewisham.
Above the arcade. Oh, right.
Well, I'll take a photo and you can see if you like the look of it.
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS There you are.
What do you think?
What do you reckon?
It's terr... It's awful! Yeah? Hmm...
It doesn't even look like a nose!
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
let me offer you this advice
don't go to John's,
the plastic surgeon in Lewisham above the arcade,
if you want a nose job... Yeah.
...even if he does re-heel your shoes whilst the glue's setting.
Look at that. £8,000 that cost! I realise that.
£8,000! I do realise,
and you have my sympathy.
Would you like me to try and get it off before the glue fully dries?
Yeah, I think you probably should. Come on, let's see if we can.
Are you ready?
I'll hold you by that hook on the back of your neck.
Yeah.
CREAKING Ooh!
Yeah, got it! There you go. Even the glue was rubbish as well.
I wonder what it was he used.
I don't know. It looks a bit like a bulldog's ball sac, doesn't it?
It does a bit, yeah.
There was a bulldog, actually, in his office,
who looked like it was struggling to sit down.
Well, that might be it, then.
I don't know why I bother.
So, this John, above the shops in the arcade, yeah?
Yeah. What did he look like?
Well, you know, um,
beady eyes. Yeah?
And a big fur coat. Kind of clawy hands.
And was he always holding a nut in front of him?
Yeah. Yeah? It's a squirrel, wasn't it?
You've been...you've been getting services off squirrels again!
When will you ever learn, Vic?
What was it, your sciatica? Yeah.
You had that treated by, what?
A turtle!
A turtle. I'll tell you, a turtle.
And who did you use to do your varicose veins?
Richard.
Richard the...? Crab.
Richard the Crab.
You've gotta stop it, Vic! You really must.
And I think, you know, on that note, I think we should bring this project
to an end for the evening.
If you don't mind? All right.
Maybe get you to bed. Yeah.
So we're going to sing a song and say goodnight,
but if that's not your cup of tea,
Vaun's over there and you can stare at him holding a bottle of water
and a coat hanger,
if you prefer that vibe.
So goodnight, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you.
CHEERING
LIVELY MUSIC
Thank you!
# You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want... #
Come on!
# Put a pigeon in a carrier bag... #
Hey!
# Crush an onion and drink the sap
# Go live on Radio Tees
# Eat Dextrol at a summer camp... # Yah!
# Put a sixpence in a horse's mouth... # Hey!
# Take some kids to Germany
# Throw a turbot at Mary Berry
# Draw a kestrel on your dungarees... #
Yah!
# You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want... Hey!
# You can do it if you really want... #
Hey!
# You can do it if you really want... #
Oi!
# You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want... #
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
CHEERING