1 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:09,560 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:12,040 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 3 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:18,720 They've arrived for a Big Night Out it's Vic and Bob! 4 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:27,080 CHEERING 5 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,760 BOTH: # Shut up, shut up Eat your boiled potatoes 6 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,960 BOTH: # Shut up, shut up Eat your boiled egg 7 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,200 # Shut up, shut up Eat your Curly Wurly 8 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:47,880 # And just stop talking shit! # 9 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,800 UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES 10 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,680 # Shut up, shut up Eat your smoked haddock 11 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:07,840 # Shut up, shut up Eat your pickled onions 12 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,360 # Shut up, shut up Eat your tinned carrots 13 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,400 # And just stop talking shit! # 14 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,480 Shit! 15 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,000 CHEERING Shit! 16 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,480 Good evening! CHEERING 17 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,560 It's a good message, though, innit? 18 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,400 It's a good message for us all to learn. 19 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,880 If you're... You know, if you're out having a nice meal, 20 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,000 just have...just a light talk! 21 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,680 Just soft, light talk. 22 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,080 "How high's your cat?" 23 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,360 "How high is your cat?" Just something nice and gentle. 24 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:40,440 Gentle. "Are you wearing knickers?" 25 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,840 "How many teeth have you got...today?" 26 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:44,800 "Yeah, I'm wearing two pairs of knickers today, 27 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,640 "cos it's cold outside." Yeah. 28 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,760 "Ooh, darling, love, have you ever spewed up 29 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,200 "at a disciplinary hearing?" 30 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,240 "No, I haven't." 31 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,200 But, you know, then the conversation'll flow. 32 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,720 It'll flow nicely. Anyway... 33 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,200 "Where did you get your hair done? 34 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,520 "At the shops?" "At the shops!" 35 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,400 See how we're getting on? 36 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:01,960 BOTH SIGH 37 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,400 Anyway, talking of lovely dinners like that, 38 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:09,160 I'm having Christmas dinner this year with the whole family. 39 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:10,400 Oh, that's lovely. 40 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,360 That's Mr and Mrs Hole 41 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,760 and their two sons Plug and Arse. 42 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,880 LIVELY MUSIC 43 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,320 CHEERING 44 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,920 VIC AND BOB CHUCKLE 45 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,720 Fantastic! Yeah. 46 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,240 So, you know, talking of Christmas, I always... 47 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:40,160 Talking of Christmas, I'm having a turkey for Christmas. Always do. 48 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,600 Last year, I went to the butcher's and I said, 49 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,880 "How do you prepare your turkeys for Christmas?" 50 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,600 He said, "We just tell them straight out they're going to die." 51 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,480 CHEERFUL MUSIC 52 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,880 AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG 53 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,280 Oi! 54 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,080 CHEERING 55 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,760 Oh-ho! Ohh... 56 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,120 It reminded me of the time we were in Sparks. 57 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,120 Hey, Bob? Bob? Yeah? 58 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,440 Can you do this? Ready? Yeah. 59 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,600 BELL CLANGS 60 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,720 One, Vic, no, I can't do that. 61 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,080 Two, I would love to. 62 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,560 I bet you would! Who does it attract, the bell? 63 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,480 Well, it attracts worshippers, first of all, occasionally moths, 64 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,440 and sometimes a sailor. Oh, yeah. 65 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:50,920 Lucky lad. Lucky lad. 66 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,040 Yep, yep. 67 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,440 Hearing a church bell, though, it's just made me 68 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,200 feel a little bit sick, cos I need to make a confession. 69 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,160 Have you done summat awful again? Yeah. 70 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,400 You haven't done that thing with your finger, have you? 71 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,040 Well, that's part of it, yeah. 72 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,640 Part of it? I need to get it off me chest. 73 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:07,080 It's going to be difficult for me to do the show, to be honest. 74 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,520 I can see it's worrying you, innit? 75 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:09,720 I need to get it off me chest. 76 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,160 But I might be able to help you because... 77 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,480 Oh, hey-up! 78 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:16,680 I know a fella who has a portable confession booth. 79 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,120 Really? Yeah. 80 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:19,440 And he's nearby, you dickhead. 81 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:21,400 I could go and see him and see if I can get him to... 82 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,240 Sorry, what did you say then? I said he's... 83 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,680 What...? I'm sorry, I didn't hear. No, I didn't say anything. 84 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,680 I just said I know a bloke... Right. 85 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,400 ...who's got a portable confession booth 86 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,200 and he's nearby, you dickhead, so... 87 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,800 Yeah, I'll go and see if he might be able to absolve you. 88 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,000 Well, I might be very interested. Are you interested? 89 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,440 I'd be very interested in that. 90 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,560 OK, I'll, um... 91 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,840 I'll just go and see if he's ready... 92 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:46,080 OK. 93 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,920 ...to come and, um, come and give you a confession. 94 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,960 Yeah, no hurry. You... 95 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:01,160 Yeah, sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen, 96 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,720 but I have done something terrible 97 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,680 and, you know, it's really, like, churning me up. 98 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:06,800 If I could see this... 99 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,400 ...get it off me chest, it'd be great. 100 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,160 Oh, hello. Hi. Hi. 101 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:14,680 HE IMITATES A TRUMPET 102 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:15,960 HE IMITATES A TRUMPET 103 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,640 BOTH IMITATE A TRUMPET 104 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,640 I am the Reverend Q Macaroon. 105 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:23,200 Oh, right. Well, take a seat, Reverend. 106 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,000 And I've got a portable confession booth. 107 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,360 I can see. 108 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,840 It's a beauty! 109 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:29,760 Do you like it? I like it very much. 110 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,200 Is it just dirty or...? It's the Turin Shroud. 111 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,640 Ah, right... I don't know what... 112 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,560 It's the face of Christ. Right. 113 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,120 That's the face of Christ? 114 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,040 Well, I got it off an out-of-work coroner. 115 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,640 That's what he told me. Oh, right. 116 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,360 It might just be Roy Wood, I don't know. 117 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,800 Well, you're very lucky to... 118 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,960 Just, um, what's this...? What are these soft...? 119 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,200 Oh, I put them on for good luck. It's good-luck flumps. 120 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,480 Bring you good luck when you're doing a confession. 121 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,960 OK. Have you got any holy water or...? 122 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,280 Oh, hang on. 123 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,800 SQUEAKING 124 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,280 Is that holy air, is it? 125 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,760 Well, unconventional, but let's go for it. 126 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,560 Yeah. Are you ready to confess? Yes, I am. 127 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,120 Yes, thank you so much, um, Reverend. 128 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,400 Go on, then, confess. 129 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:13,280 Well, my first confession is I'll be quick. My friend, Vic, 130 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:16,960 he's got a frogman suit, yeah, and I cut it into strips. 131 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,200 You what? You did what?! 132 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:24,120 Oh, it's you! I thought I was with the Reverend. 133 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:25,840 He was lovely, the Reverend Macaroon. 134 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,280 He had holy air and everything! 135 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,760 My frogman suit? Yeah. I know. 136 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:33,080 You're always cutting stuff up into strips, aren't you? 137 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,400 Me plastic under-sheet, now me frogman suit. 138 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,040 What do you cut stuff into strips for? 139 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,640 Restraints. 140 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,240 CLANG! 141 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,080 HE GROANS 142 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,080 Let's heat things up, then! 143 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,000 Watch this. HE SPITS, IRON HISSES 144 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,240 Come here! Come here! Come here! 145 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,640 Who? What? Where? Come here! 146 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,080 HE GROANS 147 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,960 Sizzle, sizzle. 148 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:01,000 Argh! I'm branded for life! 149 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,800 Right! All right, then. 150 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,000 No, please, no! 151 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,080 No! Hey? 152 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,480 No, please! 153 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:08,640 Look, look, look. 154 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,040 Huh? 155 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,000 Look. What's that? 156 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,840 Do you like that little bastard? HE GASPS 157 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,960 You're interested, aren't you? 158 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,960 HE SNIFFS 159 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,720 HE GRUNTS AND SNIFFS Yeah? 160 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,120 You can have a look. 161 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,880 HE SHRIEKS 162 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,960 HE GASPS AND GRUNTS 163 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,600 See, what it's done is made him want to piddle. 164 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,560 TRICKLING 165 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,840 Ooh, that's got to me now, that, as well. 166 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,600 TRICKLING 167 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,080 APPLAUSE 168 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,120 We will send you a sachet of soil to hide... 169 00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,080 ...direct from our field of soil here in Norfolk. 170 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,440 Everybody loves to hide soil. Hide it in your house. 171 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,320 About yourself. In your car. 172 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,320 On the shelf. You're on the bus. 173 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,000 It's in your pocket. And nobody knows. 174 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:13,320 The sachet will ensure it doesn't turn to mud. 175 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:18,320 Secret soil. Only you know where the soil is hidden. 176 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,120 Everybody loves a secret. 177 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,320 # Where is the soil? # 178 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:36,240 Welcome back. Bob, there was a terrible fight backstage in the dressing room. 179 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,520 Ooh, terrible fight. 180 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,000 BOTH: Terrible fight! Terrible, terrible, terrible fight! 181 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,880 Who between? It was, um, the judge David Walliams... 182 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,040 Is it David or Derek? 183 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,800 David Walliams. Yeah? 184 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,120 Oh, you do an impression of him! 185 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,120 Yes, I do. Do your impression. 186 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,960 IRISH ACCENT: "The computer says no." 187 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,920 HE MOUTHS 188 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,680 That's him, innit? 189 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:58,520 No, David... 190 00:08:58,520 --> 00:08:59,880 David Walliams. 191 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,920 IRISH ACCENT: "The computer says no." 192 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:03,720 Ain't that him? No, he's more like... 193 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,920 NASALLY: "The computer says no." Or summat like that. 194 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,120 IRISH ACCENT: "The computer says no." 195 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,680 It's... It's very good. Well, anyway, so... 196 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,200 David Walliams. Yeah? 197 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,400 And he was having a fight with, um, Warwick Davis. 198 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,800 Warwick Davis? Yeah. 199 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,040 Oh, right, yeah. 200 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,120 A terrible fight. Yeah. 201 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,280 Started off, 202 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,560 Warwick landed an awful, powerful punch on his knee. 203 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,600 Did he? Yeah, he is quite small, isn't he? 204 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,000 Anyway, I filmed the whole thing on me doogle cam. 205 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,080 Oh, I'd love to... Doogle cam? What's a doogle cam? 206 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,920 Well, it's a little, mini, tiny, mini camera 207 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:36,120 that James Bond often uses. 208 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,840 Tiny one. Ah, get you. Get you. 209 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,440 And I call it a doogle cam... Yeah? 210 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,600 ...cos I sellotape it to me doogle, you know. 211 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:43,640 I know what you mean. 212 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,280 The young lad who lives in the woods. I know that. I know. 213 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,160 In the wooded area. What a character. 214 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,680 Yeah, so I sellotaped it on 215 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,480 and then poked it through the keyhole... 216 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:54,640 To get the footage. 217 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,360 ...and filmed the whole thing. And can we see it now? 218 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,120 It was terrible! Yes, we can see it. 219 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,600 Oh, I'd love to. 220 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,160 DISCORDANT MUSIC 221 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,800 VIC: And that was it. 222 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,480 Do you know, I'm starving, absolutely starving. 223 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,240 Well, have to have a fat ball, or something. I don't know. 224 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,000 Have you got any? No, I haven't, actually. 225 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,320 I don't know why I said fat ball. 226 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,200 I want something like... I want a nice, 227 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,480 rich coffee cake, or something like that. 228 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:34,920 BOTH: Ohhh! 229 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,560 Or some Gorgonzolo. 230 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,080 Oh, lovely stuff. 231 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,240 Or duck in orange paint. 232 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,720 BOTH: Ooh! 233 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,600 Or, um, a nice pork groin. 234 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,680 Well, why don't you have some fruit? Tide you over. 235 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,040 Oh, you know I can't eat fruit. Come on, give it... 236 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,680 You know what happens when I eat fruit. 237 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,240 Yeah, all right. Come on, just try. 238 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:55,880 It's going to happen again if I eat it. Well, we'll see. 239 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,520 What did I say? Told you. 240 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,520 You really can't eat it, can you? No. 241 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,080 All right, lads, what are you doing? 242 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,000 Who are you? 243 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,200 Tom Cruise, the actor. 244 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,560 Looks like him. It does look like him. 245 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,720 You all right, Tom? What are you doing in town, Tom? 246 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,720 Doing a stunt up the street. 247 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,080 Oh, right. What sort of stunt are you doing? 248 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,480 Just grabbing hold of a hot exhaust pipe and pulling it a bit. 249 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,640 Ah, well... Ah, right. 250 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,800 Well, good luck with that, then. Anyway, we'd better crack on. 251 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:27,880 Got to get on. 252 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:30,120 Oh, you're all right. I'll just hang about here. 253 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,240 All right. All right. 254 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,760 We'll just... Anyway, later on, ladies and gentlemen, 255 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,840 we've got Keira Knightley. She's going to come on 256 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,960 and cover a bell in crab paste. 257 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,240 What are those wires down there for? What are they for? 258 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,240 Microphones and tellies and that? 259 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:50,160 Yeah, a lot of sound wires and... Yeah, all that sort of thing, Tom. 260 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,640 But we'd better get on. Sorry. 261 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,280 What are you doing? Having a laugh? 262 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,000 Making jokes and messing about and that? 263 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,800 Yeah. Kind of, yeah. That sort of thing, yeah. 264 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,120 Yeah, yeah. 265 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,200 Anyway, 266 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,480 I've gotta go and do the stunt. Thank God for that. 267 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,360 Here's a pound each to go and buy some sweets. 268 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:06,520 All right. 269 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,480 Thanks, Tom. 270 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,080 Oh, sorry about that. 271 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,960 Tom Cruise! 272 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,240 Do you know what? 273 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,560 Maybe we should just have our supper early. 274 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,280 Yeah, OK. Yeah, go on. I mean, why not? 275 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,960 Did you not bring anything, boys and girls? 276 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,200 Ah, lovely. There we go. 277 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,320 Right, there's a spoon. Let's tuck in. 278 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,600 SMOOCHY MUSIC 279 00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,800 MOUTHS: # That's good... # 280 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,880 MOUTHS: # Oh, yeah... # 281 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,200 MOUTHS: # Ooh... # 282 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,360 MOUTHS: # Oh, yes! # 283 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,040 Nice sandwich, that. It's nice, that sandwich. 284 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,400 It's just us two at sandwich club again, innit? 285 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,040 Just us two again. 286 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,960 So, what's the story with your jacket, like? 287 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,880 Oh, what, the fire-damaged jacket? Aye, yeah. 288 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,480 Well, you know Eric Clapton? Aye, Eric Clapton. 289 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:01,520 Aye. Ding, dong, dang. 290 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,080 Aye, ding, dang, dong, Eric Clapton. 291 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,600 Aye. Well, he climbed up the chimney in the orphanage... 292 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,840 Oh, aye. Oh, I get it. ...near me, like, you know? 293 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,200 You know what I mean, like? He was up the top of the chimney. 294 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,400 He was going to make a dramatic entrance at Christmas, 295 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:13,800 you know, for the orphans. 296 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,040 Oh, for the orphans? Yeah. But he got up there too soon. 297 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,560 It was in June. Oh, right. He was waiting there for some time. 298 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,280 The matron set the fire and set him on fire. 299 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,920 So they called me in cos I've had experience in that sort of thing. 300 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,120 Well, they'd call you in, you'd know all about that. 301 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,200 I know all about that job. 302 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,840 Climbed up the chimney to set him free, which I did do. 303 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,640 Mick Hucknall was up there an' all. 304 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,800 Yeah? But I just left him in there. 305 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,280 You just left Mick, did you? 306 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,720 You know George Clooney? Oh, George Clooney! 307 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,400 He's gorgeous. Oh, he's gorgeous. Sexy George Clooney. 308 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:43,080 He was there. He was born with a crest...like a cockatoo. 309 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,360 Yes. 310 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,800 They called me in to remove it. 311 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,160 Cos I've got experience in this... Oh, you... Yeah. 312 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:53,600 I've got a pair of scissors from when I was in the Navy. 313 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,480 Oh, you kept your naval scissors? I kept me naval scissors. 314 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,120 I was in the Merchant Navy. 315 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:02,000 I was hired in occasionally to cut off funnels. 316 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,320 Oh, right. So you cut it off for him, then? 317 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:09,000 So I cut it off for him and, um, I put it on eBay. 318 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,040 Oh, did you flog it? I flogged it for £78,000. 319 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,600 Oh, right. Who bought it, then? 320 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,680 Chris Evans. Chris Evans. Did he? 321 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:18,640 Uses it as a fan when he gets in a huff at the car. 322 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,040 You know? 323 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,360 He does get in a huff, Chris, like. Yeah. Do you know what? 324 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,760 I was digging around in me garden the other day with me hook. 325 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,920 Oh, right. And I dug up what I thought was 326 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,480 some Saxon knick-knacks. Ah, right. 327 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:31,000 You know, like, Saxon knick-knacks, paraphernalia 328 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,000 and that, they're hard. You know that? Aye. 329 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,760 You know, like curly fucking bracelet things. 330 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,880 I'm sorry. Like...? 331 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,800 Bracelets with fucking curls. 332 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,720 Anyway... 333 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,600 So you're digging up this stuff, like Saxon stuff? 334 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,440 Saxon shite, you know? 335 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,800 I dug it up. Turned out to be just, like, 336 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,720 a load of old hair clips and a fuse box. 337 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:53,920 And a fuse box? 338 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,720 Yeah. So I put it on eBay as Saxon paraphernalia. 339 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:58,800 Saxon leftovers, like. 340 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,560 Saxon knick-knacks, yeah. Yeah, yeah. 341 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,080 I sold it. Yeah? Did you sell it? 342 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,400 Aye. How much did you get for it? 343 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,800 £58,000. Not bad. 344 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,080 Who'd you sell it to? 345 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,840 Chris Evans. 346 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,360 Oh, I got a good find the other day, like, mate. 347 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:14,000 What did you find? I got up in the attic, right, 348 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,360 I just pulled down, like, a plump carrier bag, you know? 349 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,200 I opened it up, it's full of, like, zips. 350 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,120 Oh, nice zips. Bare zips and that. 351 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,440 Did someone mention summat about zips? 352 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,800 Chris Evans. 353 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,400 BOTH: It's Chris Evans. 354 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,720 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Chris. 355 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,440 Well, I'll have 'em off you. How much? 356 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:33,880 How much? 357 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,000 29,000? 358 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,320 £29,000, mate. 359 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:38,640 Deal! 360 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,120 There you go. 361 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,720 We will send you a sachet of throwing mud... 362 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:50,320 Direct from our field of mud here in Norfolk. 363 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,920 Throw it at a neighbour! At an intruder. 364 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,800 Throw it on stage, mid opera. 365 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,480 For long-distance work, 366 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,200 we'll send you this shitty shotty stick. 367 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,720 In a cardboard tube. 368 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,000 Huge distances can be achieved, 369 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,680 bringing the whole town within range. 370 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,600 Throwing mud! The natural fighting tool! 371 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,840 Anyway, let's take a trip to Novelty Island. 372 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,880 BELL RINGS 373 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,560 LIVELY MUSIC 374 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,280 AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG 375 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,640 Right, Novelty Island, 376 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:52,320 and the first turn in the paddock here at Novelty Island has... 377 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,720 ...previously been a flight attendant, a flight risk, 378 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,360 a flautist and a fly-tipper. 379 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,600 He's 21 years old 380 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,960 and claims to be Britain's only gay man. 381 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,800 INCOHERENTLY: Quite a boast. 382 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,760 That's quite a boast, ladies and gentlemen, quite a boast. 383 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,960 NORMALLY: Ladies and gentlemen... Ooh, it's Graham Lister. 384 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 385 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,520 LIVELY MUSIC 386 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,560 Yes, it's time for some quality entertainment here on the stage. 387 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,000 You're pathetic. You really are. 388 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,520 Still parading around like a chaffinch with his tackle out. 389 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:26,600 Oh, yes, yeah. 390 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,440 With your big bulbous head on you. What have you been eating? Turf? 391 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,760 HE LAUGHS So, what is this thing? 392 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,440 You soft lad. Ooh, you soft git. 393 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:34,720 How does that make you...? 394 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:35,960 Ooh, you soft git, is it? Yeah. 395 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,520 Yeah. How does that make you feel? 396 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,600 Pretty bad. 397 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,360 What have you got in here anyway, in this cardboard box? 398 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,760 Here tonight, I present a quality item, Reeves. 399 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,280 It's Beakie the owl. 400 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,360 I rescued him, um, from... Is it a real owl? 401 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:49,720 It's a real owl, yes. 402 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,280 I rescued him from the shit farm in Sunderland. 403 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:56,040 I did. I cared for him for many months and fed him, 404 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:57,520 and now he's here to perform 405 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,920 his little act for you tonight. It's Beakie. 406 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:01,000 There he is. 407 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,680 Now... LAUGHTER 408 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,120 What you laughing at him for? Is that a real owl? 409 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,560 Yes, it's a real owl! 410 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,720 What are you laughing at? 411 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:12,040 Do you want him to lose his confidence? 412 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,680 Are you all with him? Right... 413 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:17,560 Anyway, on the command "Shakira", 414 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,680 which you will give... Yes. 415 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:23,720 ...he will hoot and he will urinate into this milk bottle. 416 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,360 Superb act, isn't it? 417 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:26,960 Very good. 418 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,400 Shakira! 419 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,200 HE IMITATES AN OWL HOOTING 420 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,320 Quality item. 421 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,520 Imagine that... That's not him! 422 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,160 That's not him hooting, that's you. 423 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,480 I think you'll find it is. Do it again. 424 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,720 Well, say "Shakira". Shakira! 425 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,000 HE IMITATES AN OWL HOOTING 426 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,040 Very precious stuff that, Reeves. You're a very lucky lad. 427 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,160 Thank you. I'll see you later, when I've inevitably won. 428 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,280 GROANING AND LAUGHTER 429 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,520 Act number two is George Meatmarket. 430 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,600 He's here tonight to raise awareness 431 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,880 for a condition he thinks he might have. 432 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,840 Well, that's nice, isn't it? Ladies and gentlemen, here comes George. 433 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,160 I don't know if you've noticed, ladies and gentlemen, 434 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,640 but George is backwards. 435 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:41,040 And, um, tonight, he's going to sing a little tune 436 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,560 with his young friend, Prairie Pete. 437 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,840 So, if you're ready...? 438 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,800 HIGH-TEMPO YODELLING 439 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:56,120 ELECTRONIC BURBLING 440 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,360 HIGH-TEMPO YODELLING 441 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:06,320 ELECTRONIC BURBLING 442 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,440 HIGH-TEMPO YODELLING ELECTRONIC BURBLING 443 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,680 HIGH-TEMPO YODELLING ELECTRONIC BURBLING 444 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,680 HIGH-TEMPO YODELLING 445 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,400 Thank you! 446 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,840 There you go! 447 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,320 George Meatmarket there. 448 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,520 The next act is Bill Decker. 449 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,480 '60S-STYLE MUSIC 450 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,200 WOLF WHISTLE 451 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,160 Bill Decker, um... 452 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:40,920 So, Bill Decker, what do you do? 453 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,040 My name is Bill Decker. Good. 454 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:45,240 And I'm... 455 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,520 Ooh. 456 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:47,840 ...a murderer. 457 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,880 INCOHERENTLY: Quite a boast, ladies and gentlemen, quite a boast. 458 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:57,840 I'm here tonight to do impressions of some African animals. 459 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,320 African animals? Two African animals. 460 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,560 All right, then. 461 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:05,520 So, would you like to kick off? Let's have the first animal. 462 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,000 I have to take my hands out of my pockets. 463 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:19,040 CHEERING 464 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,720 My first animal, here it comes now. 465 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,560 Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! 466 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:28,720 Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh! 467 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,560 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Is it a monkey? 468 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,520 It's a monkey. You're quite... Ooh. ...right. 469 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,840 Very good. 470 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,280 Was that monkey stabbing someone? 471 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:37,560 Yeah. 472 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:41,360 Hitchhiker, 1976, A303. 473 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:44,760 OK. Very good. um, second animal. 474 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,720 You have to guess what it is, right? 475 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,360 HE TRUMPETS 476 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:52,160 HE IMITATES GUNSHOTS 477 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,520 That was an elephant. 478 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,320 That's right. And, um, 479 00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,040 did that elephant just shoot someone? 480 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,520 Yeah, that was a travelling salesman. 481 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,040 1993. M6. 482 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,800 Thank you very much. Right-ho. 483 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,440 Bill Decker! 484 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,160 '60S-STYLE MUSIC 485 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:19,640 And watching and judging the acts tonight 486 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:24,240 is Jeff "The Fly" Goldblum's ironing board. 487 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,280 And representing the three acts 488 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,320 that we've seen are Jeff's underpants. 489 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,320 One, two, three Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. 490 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,520 The rest of the week, he doesn't need them because he's The Fly. 491 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:41,680 So, who is the winner tonight at Novelty Island? 492 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:45,920 Bill Decker! 493 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,680 '60S-STYLE MUSIC 494 00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,520 AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG 495 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:56,960 It's Bill Decker! 496 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,200 Well done, Bill. 497 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:02,360 Well done, Bill. 498 00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:04,840 I do that when I'm happy. 499 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,800 You want some? You want some? 500 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,360 Right on. 501 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:14,800 Over. 502 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,760 Pleased to have won. I bet you are. 503 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:17,840 I'll leave you with this. 504 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,720 EXPLOSION 505 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,120 BURBLING AND PUFFING 506 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:36,040 THEY GRUNT 507 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,000 GUITAR MUSIC 508 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,560 HISSING 509 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,040 TOOT! 510 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,640 Sponsored by a television station. 511 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,240 So, ladies and gentlemen, 512 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,840 ladies and gentlemen, 513 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:14,480 Vic has had some very expensive plastic surgery. 514 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:15,760 He's had a new nose. Yeah. 515 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,920 I'm really pleased with it. Are you pleased with it? 516 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,600 I actually haven't seen it yet, but I think I'll be pleased with it. 517 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:21,960 But it feels good, yeah? 518 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,560 It feels great. It feels a lot better. 519 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:28,120 I got it done at, um, John's, the plastic surgeon's in Lewisham. 520 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,840 Above the arcade. Oh, right. 521 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,800 Well, I'll take a photo and you can see if you like the look of it. 522 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,840 CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS There you are. 523 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,040 What do you think? 524 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:39,720 What do you reckon? 525 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,280 It's terr... It's awful! Yeah? Hmm... 526 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,480 It doesn't even look like a nose! 527 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:47,720 Well, ladies and gentlemen, 528 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:50,080 let me offer you this advice 529 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:51,160 don't go to John's, 530 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,240 the plastic surgeon in Lewisham above the arcade, 531 00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,080 if you want a nose job... Yeah. 532 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:59,040 ...even if he does re-heel your shoes whilst the glue's setting. 533 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,000 Look at that. £8,000 that cost! I realise that. 534 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,280 £8,000! I do realise, 535 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:05,600 and you have my sympathy. 536 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,280 Would you like me to try and get it off before the glue fully dries? 537 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,840 Yeah, I think you probably should. Come on, let's see if we can. 538 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:11,960 Are you ready? 539 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,800 I'll hold you by that hook on the back of your neck. 540 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,240 Yeah. 541 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,200 CREAKING Ooh! 542 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:20,680 Yeah, got it! There you go. Even the glue was rubbish as well. 543 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:21,880 I wonder what it was he used. 544 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,520 I don't know. It looks a bit like a bulldog's ball sac, doesn't it? 545 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:25,600 It does a bit, yeah. 546 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,840 There was a bulldog, actually, in his office, 547 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:30,920 who looked like it was struggling to sit down. 548 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,920 Well, that might be it, then. 549 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:34,440 I don't know why I bother. 550 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:37,040 So, this John, above the shops in the arcade, yeah? 551 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:38,400 Yeah. What did he look like? 552 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,080 Well, you know, um, 553 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:41,800 beady eyes. Yeah? 554 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:45,360 And a big fur coat. Kind of clawy hands. 555 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,720 And was he always holding a nut in front of him? 556 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,040 Yeah. Yeah? It's a squirrel, wasn't it? 557 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,480 You've been...you've been getting services off squirrels again! 558 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,240 When will you ever learn, Vic? 559 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,520 What was it, your sciatica? Yeah. 560 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,080 You had that treated by, what? 561 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:00,440 A turtle! 562 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,080 A turtle. I'll tell you, a turtle. 563 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,040 And who did you use to do your varicose veins? 564 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:05,160 Richard. 565 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:06,800 Richard the...? Crab. 566 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:08,120 Richard the Crab. 567 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:09,960 You've gotta stop it, Vic! You really must. 568 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,840 And I think, you know, on that note, I think we should bring this project 569 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,520 to an end for the evening. 570 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,280 If you don't mind? All right. 571 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:17,800 Maybe get you to bed. Yeah. 572 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,720 So we're going to sing a song and say goodnight, 573 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,000 but if that's not your cup of tea, 574 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,160 Vaun's over there and you can stare at him holding a bottle of water 575 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:26,840 and a coat hanger, 576 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,560 if you prefer that vibe. 577 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,720 So goodnight, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you. 578 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,960 CHEERING 579 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:35,640 LIVELY MUSIC 580 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,640 Thank you! 581 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,760 # You can do it if you really want 582 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:44,000 # You can do it if you really want 583 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,480 # You can do it if you really want 584 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:50,440 # You can do it if you really want... # 585 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:51,680 Come on! 586 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,120 # Put a pigeon in a carrier bag... # 587 00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:55,240 Hey! 588 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,360 # Crush an onion and drink the sap 589 00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:01,760 # Go live on Radio Tees 590 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,400 # Eat Dextrol at a summer camp... # Yah! 591 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:08,280 # Put a sixpence in a horse's mouth... # Hey! 592 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:10,920 # Take some kids to Germany 593 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:15,520 # Throw a turbot at Mary Berry 594 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,800 # Draw a kestrel on your dungarees... # 595 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,080 Yah! 596 00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:21,920 # You can do it if you really want 597 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,840 # You can do it if you really want 598 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:28,400 # You can do it if you really want 599 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:32,240 # You can do it if you really want... Hey! 600 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,640 # You can do it if you really want... # 601 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,360 Hey! 602 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:38,120 # You can do it if you really want... # 603 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:39,680 Oi! 604 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,560 # You can do it if you really want 605 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,160 # You can do it if you really want... # 606 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:47,680 AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG 607 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:49,720 CHEERING