CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
They've arrived for a Big Night Out, it's Vic and Bob!
# Kanye West in his underpants
# In front of the microwave
# Watching his dinner go round and round
# And when it pings...
PING # His pants fall down... #
Oooh!
# Drake is in his underpants
# Stood by his front door
# Waiting for the bloke from Amazon
# And when the doorbell rings... DOORBELL
# His pants fall down
# Here we go and... #
CLATTERING TAP DANCE Oh, yeah!
Lovely!
# Jay Z in his underpants
# In front of his budgie cage
# Waiting for his bird to do its trick
# And when it rings its bell
DING
# His pants fall down
# As you can see # As you can see
# Their pants fell down! #
Whoo!
Have your underpants ever fallen down
when you've been in the presence of, say, a bell
or maybe at school?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, yep, no.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
What about... All right, what about, like, a big clock at the town hall?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. All right, all right.
What about, erm, da-duuhhh? Duuuhhh!
Duuhhh! Erm, what abo... Duuhhh! Duuhhh!
What about...what about a church, Vic? You know, the chur...
No, no, no, no... No. Oh, actually, yes.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, right. When the church bell rings,
me pants generally do fall down... Right.
..which can be really quite embarrassing when I'm mid-sermon.
LAUGHTER This guy and his adventures!
Bob... Honestly!
Bob, talking of underpants, I was wearing underpants in 1994
when I went to Blockbusters.
If you remember that, went to Blockbusters.
Yeah! And I said
I wanted to hire Batman Forever.
"No," they said. "You must return it the following morning."
DISCORDANT NOTES
I was ironing my, erm...
HIGH-PITCHED NOTE
I was ironing my underpants, Vic... Yeah, yeah.
..actually, thinking of underpants,
when I phoned up the local gym
and I said, "Do you reckon yous lot will be able to teach us to do the splits?"
Yeah. And they said, "How flexible are you?"
Yeah. And I said, "Well, I can't do "Tuesdays or Thursdays."
That's good, yeah. SOME LAUGHTER
It's up to you.
I'll have me cup of tea.
SPOON CLINKS
CLINKING DEEPENS AND SLOWS
Oooh!
Wah! Wake up!
Whoa! What year is it?
Where have all the people gone? Where's all the music?
What's happened? I'm not stirring that again!
Here, Tom Hanks will stir it for you. Oh!
He's very good at that kind of thing.
The world's number one stirrer!
Ooh, he's having a sniff.
He's having a sniff for it.
He smells tea... He smells tea out.
SNIFFING
SNORTING
Beautiful! Beautiful!
SNIFFING
Ooh, he's...he's got...
All right, Tom.
All right, Tom, I like you too!
Honestly.
Bob, can you do this?
I don't think I can.
No, I don't think I could, Vic.
I would love to be able to do that. Would you?
Oh, wow, be a dream come true, yeah. Yeah.
Because I'm going to do that at the Royal Variety.
What, just that? That? That thing, yeah, that I just did then.
I'm going to do... Not just that, I'm not only going to just...
Ooh, thank God for that.
I'm going to sit on a chair whilst I do it.
Oh, well, if you're sitting on a chair, Vic,
that's really going to, like, sing, innit?
I think Prince Charles is going to like it. Fabulous, yeah.
That's just the first half, mind. Yeah? What about the second ha...?
What are you doing the second half, then? I'll show you.
I get me suitcase out. Right.
The one that I usually... Already love it.
..sell me encyclopaedias out of.
I don't need to do that any more, what with Wikipedia and so forth.
So, I get that out there and then...
So you've got earbuds and a gooseberry? Oh, right.
Yeah, but watch. Ah, it's not just that!
Oh, well, some would say that's enough but, you know, here goes.
Oh, Bob, it's never enough.
BEEP!
Are you watching? Yeah.
BEEP!
Cor, it's quite something.
It's quite, innit? It's quite something.
So how long do you do that for? BEEP!
How long do you do that for?
45 minutes.
I tell you what, it'd be good if we could both do it together.
That would be good, wouldn't it? Well, what, the face thing? Yeah.
Yeah, I don't think I could do that.
Gooseberry, it's quite tart, innit? Yeah.
Give it. I'm with you. I'll give it a go.
Go on, give it a go. Ready?
HOOTS
PROMOTER: Andrew Neil presents My Benidorm Bender.
Hello, I'm Andrew Neil
and I have two big passions in my life - politics and the jaw harp.
And this is my new album, My Benidorm Bender!
HARP TWANGS
TWANGING CONTINUES
Includes...
My Benidorm Bender, in shops now on Reeves & Mortimer Records.
APPLAUSE
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Now I've got...
If you'll indulge me,
I've got a really, like,
important big announcement to make. Yep.
If you'll indulge me... Sorry to disturb you, lads.
I've brought you a Bible for the side of your bed.
That's very kind of you. Thank you.
Er, oh, and some sugar and coffee for your beverage tray.
Thank you very much. Thanks.
Er, you're all right with your air-con and telly settings?
Yeah, we're all right. Yeah, look,
this is a TV studio, you know, not a hotel.
Oh! I've turned the wrong way out of the lift.
Ah, right. Yeah, anyway, we'd better crack on, mate.
Nice seeing you, yeah. What...what are you doing?
Messing about, having a daft laugh and stuff like that, are you?
Yeah, sort of. Yeah, yeah. I suppose that's what we do, yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, could you, er, nick off now? Nice fella.
Oh, if you've got any dry cleaning,
pop it in this bag and hang it on your door, all right?
OK. Thank you. Thanks.
I don't...
Oh, if you need anything, ring me on extension one.
So, erm, yeah, back to this announcement I wanted to make,
anyway, ladies and gentlemen...
Actually, just before you do that, could I make an announcement?
Yeah, of course. Ladies and gentlemen,
I lost four stone in the last five weeks.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Eh?
Is that it? That's it.
Thank you, thank you.
So back to the announcement...
I just... Can I just say? Yeah.
It's me wedding anniversary.
80 years married.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, don't!
Right, are you all done?
I've just done a 3K bike ride
to raise awareness and money for research.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, don't! Oh, give over!
Is that it now? Can I do it? Yeah, go on, do yours.
Yeah, so, my big announcement, ladies and ge...
Er, can I just say? I haven't had a drink for six hours.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sorry, carry on. What were you going to say?
OK. I can carry on now?
Oh, can I just...? One more thing.
OK.
Ladies and gentlemen, me car's just passed its MOT.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Give over!
Sorry, anyway, what were you going to say? Are you finished now?
Yeah, yeah, go on. Agh! Oh.
So, finally, my announcement, ladies and gentlemen.
It's actually two years to this very evening
that I had my successful, erm, heart bypass.
BOOING
Arsehole!
Tit!
YAWNS
BOOING CONTINUES
You set me up for that, didn't you?
I want a fight. You set me up for that. I want to fight you!
Yeah, all right, I'll fight you.
Right, come on, then. Inside or outside? Let's have a fight out...
On the roof? I don't mind. No, let's have an indoor fight! Come on, then!
Come on. What have you got?
Argh! Ooh, eh?
THUD! Uh!
THUD! Oosh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
THWACK!
AUDIENCE: Oh!
THWACK! Oh!
THWACK!
Right!
What's this? What's next? Have you heard of Professor Freeze?
It is I!
What? Ice cubes?!
Ice cubes!
ICE CUBES RATTLE
Ooh, eeh, ooh!
Woohoo! Woohoo-hoo!
Look at the state of him!
Look at the state of me!
It's the ice! It's the ice.
DANCE MUSIC
Right, stay there. Are you done?
Eh? No! Thought it was all over, didn't you? No, not the iron!
Eh? No!
No! No!
Argh!
CLANG!
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, we're here, in what's rumoured to be
the most haunted toilet in Britain.
In Britain, yes. There've been ghosts sighted here.
There's numerous orbs and jesterings.
Orbs been sighted in the toilets... Yeah.
And, er... Ooh! Did you feel that?
A cold column of air.
Yeah, almost like a giant Calippo.
Like walking into a Calippo.
You...you demonstrate, Vic.
Cold. Warm.
Like... It's just there.
Ooh, and that smell.
That smell is... Ooh, it's acrid.
Ooh, that just came suddenly, didn't it? That's not you, is it?
No, it's not me. Ooh, that's quite acrid.
Cos when we came in here, it smelt quite sweet.
Smelt, yeah. But now it's really depressing.
It is. It's quite morose, innit? It's made me really depressed.
I mean, I sense there's been happiness here, but...
There's been a lot of happiness in these toilets.
..it's quite overpowering, isn't it? PLOP!
Ooh! What the BLEEP was that?!
Could you hear that? BLEEP off! For BLEEP sake!
No, BLEEP off.
What the BLEEP was that?
There's something here.
There's definitely... Let's check it's all empty.
Well, there's, er, definitely something in here.
Definitely something in here.
Erm, is there any spirit person here?
Would anyone like to make contact with us?
Yeah, er... One plop for yes.
Two plops for no. PLOP!
Yes! Yes!
Did you hear that? Yes! Yes. Yes.
So that was one plop. One plop. Let's try and get a name.
Are you called John?
PLOP! Yes!
Yes! We've made contact with John.
Erm, erm...
Let's get a surname. What do you think?
Er... Let me try, let me try.
Are you John West, the tinned salmon man?
PLOP!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
John West, known as the salmon man.
Hang on a minute. Wait a minute.
I think I'm getting a message coming through.
Right, is it jumbled up or...?
No, it's quite clear, and it's for you.
Wow. This is...
He says... LOW-PITCHED "Bob..."
Hi, John.
"Do you like my tinned tuna and sweetcorn niblets in mayo?"
Good question. Erm, I've gotta give an honest answer.
No, John, I've always preferred Princess brand.
RATTLING Whoa!
BLEEP! What the BLEEP was that?! BLEEP!
What the BLEEP was that? BLEEP off! What in BLEEP hell?!
What the BLEEP?!
You BLEEP idiot!
BLEEP arsehole! Stupid BLEEP!
You BLEEP!
BLEEP! BLEEP off!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Mulligan and O'Hare.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# I've got a spanner!
# I've got a spoon!
# And here, my friend, upon my tray
# A piece of wood and a measuring tape
# Now we can build a van and drive it up to Birmingham
# We like to creep around at night
# With our trousers nice and tight
BOTH: # Nice and tight! Nice and tight!
# You've got it right! That's nice and tight!
# Nice and tight!
# Nice and tight! Nice and tight! That's nice and tight!
# We like to break into your home
# And get in bed with you
# We'd like to wish you all the best With your forthcoming driving test
# Driving test! Driving test!
# Your forthcoming driving test! #
Thank you.
My name is Dermot O'Hare. And I am Dermot Mulligan.
And as you can see, we're here with you this evening.
Yes. Now...
There are a few things that are causing us some difficulty.
Some consternation!
Some things we're not presently enjoying include...
Formula 1. What rot! What total rot!
Residents parking permits. Residents...
Residents parking permits! Residents par... That's balls!
Rubbish!
It's total balls!
Scented washing-up liquid.
You use it! There's no need!
There's no need. No need.
Stand up! Stand up!
BOTH: Sit down!
There's no need!
There's no... There's just no need! No need!
I'm wearing a bra now, but I really don't need to at all.
There's no need. There's absolutely no need to wear a bra!
There's no need! There's no need!
They'll stand up firmly in any breeze, yes?
Er, in high winds.
OK, well, let's slip it off and see if that's true, Mulligan.
Why don't you try and unleash them?
Take off the bra.
They'll stay put.
Yeah.
Hm. Hm.
DONG!
DING! DING!
DONG!
DONG! DING! DONG!
# Sitting on a dock in the bay
# Watching the tide roll away... #
No, leave it.
Anyway, we're here to sing our beautiful songs,
and there is none more beautiful
than our tribute to our darling Rose.
CHEERING
BOTH: # My Rose has left me
# I'm in a mood
# She's gone to Kenya
# With the bloke from Allied Carpets
# She wasn't immunised
# And that's a legal requirement!
# She's increasingly slapdash
# Since we bought that new hearth rug
# Oh, Rose, how we miss you
# But where are you now?
# Alone with your salesman
# You adulterous cow! #
Come on, Mulligan. Thank you.
Robert Winston presents his new CD...
Hello, I am Professor Robert Winston,
and I have three passions in my life -
kids' medicine, gynaecology and the harmonica.
I'd like to present some tracks from my new LP,
Shut Up And Go To Bed.
# Nao vou deixar o nosso amor acabar. #
Shut Up And Go To Bed includes...
The new album by Robert Winston,
out now
on Reeves & Mortimer Records.
Bob...
Oh, yeah!
Bob, can I show you a new skill I've learnt?
I think I know all your skills.
You don't know this one. This is a brand-new skill.
Brand-new skill? Love to see it. I'd love to see it.
Have you got a, erm, tangerine?
I know you have.
Yeah, I've got one in me bake box. Yeah.
Give us one. You're more than welcome. A brand-new skill.
Why have you got it locked up?
Why do you have your bake locked up anyway?
There you go. Come on, then, a nice tangerine.
Just one satsuma, yeah? Yeah.
There you go. Right.
OK, actually, you can do this. Just to prove that it's a great skill.
What do I have to do? I want you to put it down the back...
Come round here.
Put it down the back of me trousers.
All right.
Go on, just put it in there.
What, right in? Yeah, right in.
That's as... Oh, yes, that's in.
Ooh, that lodged. Yeah, there you go.
Right there. All right, ready?
Music.
GENTLE JAZZ MUSIC
I learnt this skill
when I was on a commercial flight through Tibet, and I crashed,
and some monks took me in...
Oh, wow. ..and showed me it.
Oh, he's peeled it!
He's peeled it!
I liked it!
Well, that was excellent.
Thank you. You know what, Vic?
I think I saw how you did it.
Do you mean you think you could do it?
I think I could do it, yeah. Well, come on, then. Will you do...?
Will you do the orange for us? Yeah. OK.
Course I will.
Give it a go.
Sure, I think I know what you did, yeah.
Yeah. Lob it in.
What's all this stuff in here?
Eh? What is all this stuff?
What stuff? There's a lot of...
What's this? Plasters?
It's like, erm...
I've got this thing down there that sometimes goes to a point, so...
Oh, yeah, and what's this here?
I put plasters on it, but I'm working in the blind, you know,
so the... You get a bit of a build-up.
What's that?
It's me note...me reporter's book.
Your reporter's notebook. It's me reporter's book.
For writing about crisises and things like...
Yeah, events and that. ..crises.
Events. This is what I think of your reporting.
THUD!
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Yeah. Go on, right, let's put it in.
I'm not a bad reporter, actually.
VIC LAUGHS
No, don't laugh. I'm not a bad little reporter. He's not bad.
Are you getting it in? Yeah. OK, there you go.
Right, if I'm right... Off you go. Do I get the music as well?
Yeah. Music. GENTLE PIANO PLAYS
Different type of music, but all right. Different technique.
Suits you better.
Go on. Are you doing it?
Just feel it, feel your way.
It's all about feel.
Oh, hold on. Yeah.
Ah, it's come out.
It's come out, so...
AUDIENCE: Oh!
APPLAUSE
Are you aware that fireballs are on th'increase?
They can occur at any time, day or night, even seasonally.
They're no respecter of nationality,
as this South African chap can testify.
I was grinding some meat for that dozy yarpie over there
when suddenly...boom!
Out off the ground came a fireball and took the bitch out!
Look, it's happened again!
Meanwhile, in Keighley...
I was just washing t'hair of my favourite doll
in this cattle trough,
when suddenly, out of t'back of t'Golf exhaust pipe
came three fireballs and destroyed a yacht in Biarritz.
Look, it's happening again!
WOMAN SCREAMS
# I was going to the fair... #
What?!
Keep fireballs contained.
This message was brought to you by the Attlee Government,
in conjunction with Boy George and Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers.
Right, just while Vic's away round the back there,
I'd just like to take this opportunity to explain to you how clever I am.
I can use a calculator.
I'm a really fast...reader...
Excuse me, mate.
Excuse me, mate!
What's going on here, then? Er, we're doing a show here.
Are you? Yeah, can I help you?
Erm...
Just having a look around, really.
Oh, right. Checking up on something. Just having a nose about.
Actually, do you mind me asking?
Erm, are you like a human or animal? What?
Well, that's a good question, yeah. Thank you.
I'm a...I'm a human from there down, but from there up I'm an otter.
Oh, right!
You know cloning? Ah, cloning!
They were offering off...you know, free experiments.
So I thought, "Why not?"
Yeah. "I'll have a go."
Yeah, I've always wanted to be an otter. Yeah.
You haven't got any fish on you, have you?
What, are you a bit hungry? I'm starving, actually.
No, I haven't got any fish, no. Have you got any newts or frogs?
No, I've not. Check in your pockets. I know I haven't got newts or frogs.
Are you sure? How'd you know? You haven't checked.
All right, I'll check quickly. No newts, no frogs.
Have you got a Toffee Crisp? No, I haven't got a Toffee Crisp.
Yeah, you have, haven't you? What, otters eat Toffee Crisps?
Yeah, well, I tell you what, mate, on the river bank
you take what you can get these days.
I haven't got a Toffee Crisp. You've got a Toffee Crisp.
Come on, give us a bit. I haven't got one!
Well, that's it, er, I'm off, then.
I'm going to have to go and get submerged. Yeah?
I've been out of the water for too long now.
I'm going to get submerged.
Well, I tell you what, mate, if you want,
I've got a big roll-top bath in me dressing room.
You're more than welcome... You what?
..to slide into that. You've got what?
Big roll-top bath. You can fill that up with water.
You've got what?
In your dressing room?! Oh, it's you!
Yeah, yeah, it's me.
Oh, I was having a lovely time.
I thought it was, like, an otter man!
No, it was me.
Turns out it's you!
You're such a twister! Oh, I'll twist as much as I like!
What's this about a bath in your dressing room?
Well, haven't you got one in yours? No. I've got a bucket, some wi...
Well, I say wipes, they're more like rags.
Right. And they said it was a dry shampoo,
but I think it's more like flour.
It is flour.
A very cheap flour from Lidl.
Ah, well. Well, you know...
So, come on, give us some of your Toffee Crisp.
Well, I haven't got a Toffee Crisp! You have got...!
Right, that's it! That's it, I resign.
I'm off the project.
Vic, don't take a dump! Vic! Don't.
Is there anything I can do
to bring you back on board with the project?
Give us some of your Toffee Crisp.
I haven't got a Toffee... I'll give you a Ripple.
No, don't! Vic! Vic, don't have a dump!
I'll give you half a Toffee Crisp.
Is that all right?
All right, half of it. OK.
There you go.
There you are.
You take that half.
Are you sure that's half? Quite a generous half, actually. Yeah.
Are you sure? Yeah. You know I'm no good at measurements.
No, that's a gen... That's a very generous half, that.
That is a half, is it? Yeah, absolutely.
You're back on board, then? I'm back on the project.
What's the second phase? Yeah, well, we're going to say goodnight
to the ladies and gentlemen and sing a lovely little song.
You up for that? Yeah!
He's back on the project! Now... Yeah, I'm back on the project!
CHEERING Now, ladies and gentlemen,
if you don't want to watch us singing our song,
Vaun's over there with an owl in some underpants
for you to stare at...at your leisure.
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen!
Thank you for your attendance.
BOTH: # You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want
# Throw a cat at Paloma Faith
# Have a dump on your neighbour's chair
# Spew your guts up on Mastermind
# Take a rabbit to Pakistan
# Eat a sausage with Eamonn Holmes
# Grow a potato, la, la, la
# Make love to a Uber driver
# Get bent! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
# Because
# You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want... #
Come on!
# You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want... #
Do you want to?
Do you even want to do it?
Because you can!
Just try a little harder, and you'll be there!