EASY-LISTENING MUSIC
This programme contains some strong language
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER: They've arrived for A Big Night Out -
it's Vic and Bob!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
BOTH: # Private plane over London
# Spitfires in pursuit
# Elton John locked in the khazi
# Beyonce holding his shoes
# The pilot done a manoeuvre
# Elton falls from the plane
# A toilet roll clutched in his hand
# As he sings his final refrain
# A toilet roll clutched in his hand
# He sings his final refrain... #
POMPOUS MUSIC
BOTH: # Goodbye, Elton John
# We never thought you'd die
# Flattened on one of the capsules
# Of the London
# Of the London... #
MUSIC PAUSES, GENTLE PERCUSSION
POMPOUS MUSIC
# Eye! #
MUSIC STOPS
Good evening!
Good evening.
Oh yeah! Yeah, yeah.
The London Eye.
But, Bob, are you aware that it's not a real eye?
Really? Oh, what a disappointment.
Isn't it a disappointment? I'm disappointed.
It is, in fact, though...
It is, though, a portal.
Really?! How...? How does that work, then?
Well, you go into one of the capsules, the pods...
Right.
..through the door. Yeah.
You go through it and then you push out the back panel.
Right. And then you go through.
Right. And where do you end up, then?
In the Thames.
LAUGHTER Ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha! You got me there.
Ha-ha-ha! You got me there.
But here we are in London, though. Yeah, here we are in London.
Talking about London, I joined a gymnastics class.
In London?
Yeah. I had to bend over backwards to get in, though.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
EXAGGERATED THUDS
# Hey, pretty girl, in your dark brown knickers!
# When you gonna take me to the retail park? #
Talking about...
I went to one of them, like, London...
..sort of big London department store, yeah?
I went to the electrical department, right?
Mm.
And I said, "Is there anyone here can sell me a kettle?"
And the bloke says, "Kenwood?"
And I said, "Yeah, well, can you fetch me him, then?"
# Way...ya, ya, yo...
# Way... #
TINKLING DESCENDING-SCALE MUSIC
EXAGGERATED THUDS
# Hey, little girl, in your dark brown knickers!
# When you gonna take me to Carpetright? #
Hey, Bob? Can you do this?
Watching.
STRAINS
Oh, chinny-chin-chin. Chinny-chin-chin-chin.
Chin-chin-chin-chin-chinny mister!
Mr Chin-Chin-Chin!
Mr Chin-Chin-Chin-Chin-Chinny! That's you, Mr Chin.
Ooh!
I extend me chin and you treat me like that?
Yeah, well, why not?
Hey, Vic, in London, got myself a new wig.
What, really? Yes. Special London wig.
Oh...
# Hey, there, London guy
# Lovely wig and a lovely bright smile. #
Did you go to a London wig shop? Yes, I did. One in North London. Yeah.
What was it called?
Wigs & Pigs.
Yep. Pigs round the back, wigs in the front.
Wigs in the front, yeah. Yeah.
It's a beautiful piece.
It makes me a real London guy.
Yeah, beautiful smile, walking around with a bit of pepper in me pouch.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, I do!
Well, can I unveil it tonight? I'd like to see it, yeah.
I'd like you to be first to see it. Yeah, go on, show us it. Yeah.
Just think "London guy", yeah? Yeah!
# Hey, there, London guy... #
Ha-ha!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's good. It's not bad, is it?
I really like that. It's a London. London...
Just check the blend at the back for us.
Check the blend?
MOUTHS
Is it...?
Ha-ha-ha! No, it looks good.
It looks really nice. It's great, innit?
It's, er, Kirk Douglas? No, you're near.
Captain Kirk? It's Captain Kirk!
Don't you reckon?
Cost a few extra pounds cos of the blend. Obviously.
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, watch what I can do with it, right?
Pull my... You'll enjoy this. Pull my finger. Pretty hard.
Oh, hang on... Just to get me going. No, it's not that.
Right, watch.
LAUGHTER
You're kidding!
Whoa!
Yeah?
I tell you what... What?
I can make it even more snappy, more London
and exciting. You can make this more London?!
Yeah, yeah. Go on, then.
Go on, let's pull your finger again.
Yeah. OK, go.
LAUGHTER
Oh.
What did you put under it, then?
A nice slice of ham.
A slice of ham?! Yeah.
You think a London guy goes around with ham under his wig?!
Well, what does a London guy have under his wig?
I don't know. Lettuce? Something nice like that?
Well, get rid of it, then. Yeah, I'd like to!
Here, put it in the soapy water here. Ham?!
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
SPOOKY MUSIC
Well, here we are, looking for ghosts again.
Yeah.
And we're here in the main dressing room at the BBC,
where all the big stars were housed.
Yes, now, this place is derelict now, but this was the main dressing room.
So you'd have all the big stars in here on their own.
Valerie Singleton...
Esther Rantzen. Willie Rushton. Willie Rushton...
Er, Roy Castle's been often heard.
Well, occasionally you can hear a trumpeting and tap dancing.
Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.
And we believe that's Roy Castle...
EERIE CLANG
Oh, what was that?!
BLEEP!
Oh, for BLEEP! Did you hear that?!
Did you BLEEP hear it?! The TV just came on.
It's like static. And then there were some words...
Have a listen.
FAINTLY: Nice to see you, to see you...
Yeah, yes. Ooh, did you hear that?
It's very distant. Was that Brucie?
I think it was. I think it was Bruce Forsyth. Yeah.
Hang on, let's see if we can get... What channel was he on?
Well, depends which Bruce you want. Which one?
Erm... BBC, Strictly,
or ITV for Price, erm... Play Your Cards...Turn Your Cards Over...
Turn Your Cards Over? I like that one, yeah.
Yeah, we actually think... That's it...
Bruce, are you there?
Bruce Forsyth, can you hear us?
Oh, what the fuck?
AS BRUCE FORSYTH: Du, du, du, du, du... Nice to see you, to see you, nice.
Is that Bruce or is this still...?
AS BRUCE: This is Bruce.
You-You don't get two for a card, not in this game.
You see, what's happened here is the spirit of Bruce has...
AS BRUCE: Ooh! Where's my friend Sammy Davis Jr?
WHISPERS: This is Bruce.
AS BRUCE: My good friend Sammy Davis Jr.
Are you...? Are you there? Are you still alive?
Now, this is very dangerous. I'm gonna have to bring him out of it now.
Whoa!
Do you realise what happened there?
NORMAL VOICE: I don't know what happened. I just felt very strange.
Bruce Forsyth entered you there. Pardon?
No, his spirit entered your body. You became Bruce.
Oh! I felt... Did you feel something?
Yeah, I did. I felt...
You felt...
BURST OF SONG ON TV BOTH YELL
BLEEP hell!
BLEEP!
Fucking hell!
BURST OF SINGING ON TV BLEEP!
Fucking BLEEP!
BLEEP, BLEEP!
Fucking... BLEEP!
SONG ENDS
Let's take a trip to Novelty Island!
BELL RINGS
UPBEAT MUSIC
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
And the first act tonight on Novelty Island
claims to own the only tin of peaches in the world.
INCOHERENTLY: Ladies and gentlemen, quite a boast, ladies and gentlemen.
Quite a boast.
A boast.
NORMAL VOICE: I'm sure you'll agree...
INCOHERENTLY: ..quite a boast.
LAUGHTER
I mean, quite a boast.
NORMAL VOICE: Tonight he's going to be making an international phone call -
it's Mr Wobbly Hand.
WOBBLING CHEERING
Fuck off!
KEYPAD BEEPS
LINE RINGS
NIGERIAN ACCENT: Hello? This is the Chief of Police in Lagos.
Lagos is so hot today.
How is it with you?
WOBBLING
Hello?
Act number two in the Novelty Island paddock is Dr Alvin Gas.
Dr Alvin Gas claims to be the only person in the world
to ever have eaten an inkwell.
INCOHERENTLY: Quite a boast.
Quite a boast, ladies and gentlemen, quite a boast.
Quite a boast. What a boast that is.
NORMAL VOICE: Tonight he presents carpentry and camping - it's Dr Alvin Gas!
'60s MUSIC
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, Dr Alvin Gas.
Tonight you're gonna present carpentry and camping.
What's all that about, then?
So, simply, I'm gonna erect this tent,
I'm gonna jump inside...
PHONE: Hello? Oh...
Hello?
Come on, you might as well get it.
Is there anybody there?
Hello?
No, no, it's George Ezra.
Yeah. No, he's here.
I'll...I'll just check.
Were you ever a supply milkman?
Yeah, I was. I was actually, yeah.
IMITATES HOST'S INCOHERENT VOICE: Quiet a boast.
APPLAUSE
OK, brilliant. Thank you.
Anyway, so carpentry and camping.
So, I erect the tent,
I'm gonna jump inside and I'm gonna build you a chair.
Fantastic. Off we go.
Erect the tent.
Wahey!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
There's the tent erected.
Dr Alvin Gas will now enter the tent
and make a chair.
Are you in there? I'm in!
HAMMERING AND SAWING
He's in there with his toolbag... DRILLING
..making a chair.
I wonder what that chair is going to look like.
Pretty impressive if he does it right.
Are you anywhere near finished?
Just give me a minute. I ain't got a minute. Come on.
OK. Right, I'm done.
Go on, let's have a look, then.
INCOHERENTLY: Quite a throw. That's quite a throw.
That fantastic chair!
APPLAUSE
Pretty good. Well done, Dr Alvin Gas!
So that's it, you've finished now, have you?
ALVIN: Er, I'd quite like to make you a bed, actually.
Well, no, I'm afraid that's probably quite enough, thank you.
Dr Alvin Gas.
It's magic!
Act number three in the Novelty Island paddock
claims he once threw a bucket of stones into the River Thames.
INCOHERENTLY: Quite a boast.
That's quite a boast.
NORMAL VOICE: It is... Oh... Please welcome Graham Lister.
DRAMATIC MUSIC APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG TO MUSIC
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm here to provide some quality entertainment.
It's been lacking up to now.
Oh, really? I present...
What are you looking at? I... Yeah...
Look at you, you workshy fop. Bring... Bring a camera next time.
Yeah, how bulbous is your head?
Hoo-hoo.
Eh? Eh? And look at your clown shoes.
What do you do, parade round the estate, going, "Honk, honk"?
Yeah. Yes, I present tonight a quality item.
I've performed it before in front of doctors, dentists,
architects and the like. Oof, change the record.
You change your record. Yeah, I will.
So I've won that one!
You said you'd change your record. Yeah, all right, then, yeah.
Yeah, I present...crackers and knackers.
I will destroy three crackers with me knackers.
So, Vic, I'll perform over here, if you don't mind. I've been in the paddock.
It's strictly legal.
Count these out, Reeves. One cracker...
One. Two.
Two. Three. Three.
Knackers and crackers.
APPLAUSE
Oh, it's a quality item!
That's why you're clapping. You're seeing quality.
CHEERING
Crackers and knackers.
CHEERING
Ha-ha-ha. Oh-oh!
Oh!
Well, there we are, ladies and gentlemen.
The three acts that presented themselves
in the paddock of Novelty Island.
And to judge those and make their decision on the winner,
please welcome the international... singing sensation...
..Elton John!
CHEERING
So, Elton...
..do you declare the winner... number one, Mr Wobbly Hand?
One plop for no, two plops for yes.
PLOP
No.
Was it act number two?
Carpentry and camping?
PLOP
No!
Which means that the winner tonight, am I right,
is act number three, Graham Lister?
PLOP...PLOP
CHEERING
UPBEAT MUSIC
BOTH: # I never felt this way
# I never felt this way before
# Making love to a golden eagle
# Making love to a golden eagle. #
Graham Lister, thank you. Goodnight from Novelty Island. There we are.
CHEERING
We are urban free runners exploiting the environment
for political reasons.
Yeah, we live right on the edge of Brixton.
Free running! For Banksy!
For graffiti!
For bollards!
Grand Designs.
The local council are definitely up to something and we're watching.
We have got microphones in bricks
so we can hear the street chat. Yeah.
SPEECH SYNTHESIZER: Bollards! Graffiti!
We quite often are found tagging politicians' cars.
I recently tagged the Lord Mayor's car
as he was in a cash-and-carry,
probably buying moules marinière,
something like that.
Big fat pig!
We just live on street food.
We're going to my mum's tonight for lasagne!
Oh, it's a nice seat. Fuck it!
I haven't changed my duvet for 15 months.
And I won't until the government gets its shit together.
SPEECH SYNTHESIZER
My cousin Terry is a hoarder.
SPEECH SYNTHESIZER
Kieran here has made love to six girls.
Yeah, that's right, in the last week.
Six different girls, all of them anarchists.
Yeah. All of them were, erm, culturally diverse.
SPEECH SYNTHESIZER
Ooh-hoo! Yeah!
We are free runners exploiting the urban environment.
Join us on our urban adventure.
Yeah, like a safari.
Come on.
SPEECH SYNTHESIZER
CHEERING
Welcome back. Well, I tell... Bob, there was a terrible,
awful fight, awful fight... Ooh, I've got...
I've got to stop you there, Vic. Vic, you've got a bug on your face.
Have I got a what? I've got a bit of shit on me face?
I didn't say, "Shit." You did.
I said, "You've got a bug on your face."
No, you said it again, you said I've got a bit of shit on my face.
No. All right, you got a, erm... You've got a fly on your face,
just next to your nose.
If I've got a fly on my face, it's none of your business.
You're opening a business with a fly?
I never said that. I said, "It's none of your business."
No, you didn't. You said you were opening a business with a fly!
I've got this...fly spray.
Yeah? Is it poisonous?
Yeah.
Is it illegal? Oh, highly illegal.
It's banned in every county in this country.
Every county? Apart from...
What? Lincoln? Lincoln.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Argh!
YELLS
Oh!
Seems to have done the trick.
Has it gone? Yeah, it's gone!
Oh, thank goodness for that. Yeah.
All right, lads.
All right. Who are you, mate?
Bear Grylls.
Bear Grylls?
You know, fart about the woods, climbing, jumping up and down,
fannying about.
I know him. Yeah.
We're in the middle of a show, Bear, sorry. What d'you want?
I just need someone to hold me ladder. Our lass has locked us out the house.
I'll help him. No, don't. We're doing a show, Vic.
I'm sorry, we've got a show to do. You're doing a show?
Yeah.
What, telling jokes? Having a daft laugh, messing about an' that?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what we're doing.
Is this you two, is it, in big letters?
Yeah. Yeah.
Are you the Bob one? That's me, yeah.
Yeah, thought so.
You know this is all lit behind here, don't you?
Oh, I know, yeah. Yeah.
That couldn't have been cheap, could it?
All right. Thank you, Bear. Thank you.
Oh, here...
Oh, man!
What is it?
Have a look at this cat video.
Cat video?! Yeah.
I've probably seen it. Do you wanna watch this?
I've seen it, it's good. It's fantastic.
This one's good. Keep watching.
All right. Watch, look...
Wait a minute...
Well, nothing's happening! Shhh! Just a minute.
It hasn't even... No, no, no. Hang on.
It's good, Vic, innit? Yeah.
Why are you saying it's good? Nothing's happened!
It hasn't. Just... Well, it will in a minute.
He has... Just a second.
Hang on. About a minute.
Two maybe. Two.
What, till summat happens?! Yeah.
No, we can't do this... Whoa, come on!
No, come on! Let's do the show.
Sorry, Bear. Sorry, Bear.
It's your loss. It's your loss. I'm sure it is.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
BEAR LAUGHS
Oh, it's started now, innit?
You missed out on... I wish I'd watched it now!
LAUGHS
I'm Derek MacIntosh and this here is Rhys Horizon.
Yep. And we've been camera and sound
for Sir David Attenborough for 25 years.
Oh, yeah. Man and boy.
And what a wonderful geezer he is. Yep.
An absolutely wonderful man.
Especially when he's had a Horlicks and a curry, he's as sweet as a nut.
Oh, yeah!
He used to say to us, "Here, lads, get in that field there
"and film that horse with antlers sort of thing."
Oh, yeah!
"When you've done that, see if you can have a look round,
"see if you can film something else. A rabbit
"or something like that." Yep.
"And when you've done that, creep around in the long grasses
"and film some of the creepy-crawlies."
Yep. "That'd be absolutely marvellous.
"Get out there and film," he used to say.
He was absolutely marvellous.
Here, do you remember the time we was in Borneo?
Oh, yeah!
We was in Borneo.
David rang us up.
He says, "I've heard rumour
"that there's a pair of big horrible old hairy things in the jungle."
That's right.
"In Borneo. I'd like you lads to get out there and film it.
"Capture it on film."
Now, the thing about David is,
he used to like seeing them coupling. Yep!
You know, doing the old bits of how's-your-father.
Oh, yep!
And so we went out there with camera and sound
and sat there in the jungle in Borneo for...it must have been three weeks.
What do you think, Rhys? Yes, it must have been...
Yep. ..three weeks were sitting there,
and then, all of a sudden, out of the jungle came the big horrible hairy things.
And they was as big and as horrible as David had described.
Big head on one of them... Oh, yeah!
Great big hands on the other one.
So I immediately got on the dog and bone
and rang David in his hotel room. Yep!
I was like, "David, you're in luck. They've turned up."
Oh, yeah!
"Stop looking at the TV and get down there."
He says, "I'll be down there in a minute, lads.
"Keep 'em at it. I'll get me strides on and I'll be right over."
Yep.
So there they was, in the middle of the clearing,
and David strolls in doing his famous old David Attenborough waddle.
Oh, yeah! We've all seen it and enjoyed it.
He waddles in there.
He looks at it, he looks at us, he says, "You pair of numpties.
"That's not one of the big hairy things I was looking for.
"That's the Greek Minister of the Interior and his wife on holiday
"having a bit of slap and tickle in the jungle."
Oh, yeah!
Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather. That's right, innit?
Yep!
Well...
Ladies and gentlemen, we're coming towards the end of this evening's pro...
Yeah, but hang on a minute. Wait a minute, Bob.
I've got a bit of a surprise for you.
Really?
Because you've been a good fella this week.
You've had all your dinners.
Yeah, had me dinners.
Finished reading your book. Book read.
Cleared out all them rags from under your bed.
I did that.
So, I've got you a present and it's a new...
I bought this for you.
It's a new console for you, for your gaming.
Oh, wow, thanks, Vic!
Cos you broke the last one, didn't you? It's a brand-new one for me?
It's a brand-new one. Yeah.
Thank you. Just bought it, yeah.
Well, that is the end of the project, apart from one thing.
Vic, we've got a special guest tonight. Special guest on tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the managing director of George Asda.
George Ezra.
Ladies and gentlemen! CHEERING
Thank you, George.
Right, so...
George, what is it you're gonna try and sing tonight?
I'm gonna sing a song called Shotgun.
Shotgun. Never heard of that one.
Now, have you, erm...?
First off, George, have you learnt all your lines for the song?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you've been to the toilet?
Yep. Yeah, that's good.
So, George, three, two, one...
# Home-grown alligator... #
Hang on, just a minute. Hang on a minute, George.
What is it? Your cousin.
Shit, thank you! Yeah, George, my cousin Anthony's a really big fan of yours.
Aw!
Do you mind if he comes out and just watches you on stage?
That'd be ama... I'd love that. Thank you.
Anthony! Anthony! Get out here!
Oi! Oi!
Stand there! Stand there!
And lift the flag up!
No touching!
OK...
No touching, Anthony!
So, on three, two, one...
Three, two, one, go. George Ezra.
# Home-grown alligator, see you later
# Gotta hit the road
# Some change in the atmosphere
# Architecture unfamiliar
# I could get used to this
# Time flies by in the yellow and green
# Stick around and you'll see what I mean... #
George... Just...
As I said bef... There's a heater here.
Oh!
So if you do get a little bit chilly...
..that's the...the speed and that's the heat.
OK. I'll just get out of your way.
Yeah, no, thanks very much. Sorry. Sorry to interrupt.
Three, two, one... Go!
# Time flies by in the yellow and green... #
HEATER WHIRS
# Stick around and you'll see what I mean
# There's a mountaintop that I'm dreaming of
# If you need me you know where I'll be
# I'll be riding shotgun underneath the hot sun
# Feeling like a someone... #
Sorry, George... George... # I'll be riding... #
George, sorry. We had no idea...
TURNS HEATER OFF
We had no idea, absolutely no idea it was gonna go on that long.
Oh... LAUGHTER
So we're obliged...we're obliged to get you a little bit of food and that.
We've got some meat, some tinned potatoes and some chewing gum,
so I'll... I'll leave it over there for you.
Did you put the chewy on there? He's got the chewing gum. Yeah.
Sorry, just didn't know that it'd be on and on.
So, thanks, George.
No worries.
Keep you warm, though. That's important.
George Ezra!
HEATER WHIRS
# I'll be riding shotgun underneath the hot sun
# Feeling like a someone
# I'll be riding shotgun underneath the hot sun
# Feeling like a someone
# We're south of the equator, navigator
# Gotta hit the road
# Deep-sea diving round the clock
# Bikini bottoms, lager tops
# I could get used... #
We've just gotta get off now.
HEATER OFF
We've got tickets for the wrestling. Got tickets for the wrestling.
We'll miss it if we don't go now. Oh, OK.
It does go on, don't it, George?
So, that's... We'll just leave you with this.
Look, there's, er... It's your farewell pack, you know.
There's your bus ticket and your train ticket.
Train ticket. And see, this little voucher here,
that gives you 30% off a meal deal on the train, yeah?
Oh!
If you want an egg sandwich... Flapjack, flapjack.
Oh, flapjack. Yeah. That'd be brilliant, yeah.
What did you say flap...? Flapjacks aren't on the meal deal!
We'll leave you your farewell pack there with your grub.
Fantastic. Thank you.
Er...good luck with it.
The heating's on. HEATER WHIRS
Brilliant, thank you very much. Grub...
Cheers, George. See you.
# Time flies by in the yellow and green
# Stick around and you'll see what I mean
# There's a mountaintop that I'm dreaming of
# If you need me you know where I'll be... #
VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS
# I'll be riding shotgun underneath the hot sun
# Feeling like a someone
# I'll be riding shotgun underneath the hot sun
# Feeling like a someone
# We got two in the front... # HEATER RATTLES
# Two in the back
# Sailing along
# And we don't look back, back, back... #
All right!
# I'll be riding shotgun underneath the hot sun
# Feeling like a someone
# I'll be riding shotgun underneath the hot sun
# Feeling like a someone... #