1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,360 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:10,080 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,920 ANNOUNCER: They've arrived for a Big Night Out - 4 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:18,000 it's Vic and Bob! 5 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,600 JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS 6 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,160 # Simon Cowell was in his car 7 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,680 # Driving up to Middlesbrough 8 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:33,880 # But as he reached for an egg at Scotch Corner 9 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:34,960 WHOOSHING AND CLANGING 10 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,520 BOTH: # His wheel came off! 11 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,520 # Gregg Wallace in his vegetable van 12 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,920 # Driving up to Sunderland 13 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,320 # But when he adjusted his nuts in Darlington 14 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:46,520 CLANGING 15 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,120 # His door fell off! 16 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,160 # Ashley Banjo took his caravan 17 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,720 # On holiday to Birmingham 18 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,840 # But at the Little Chef in High Wycombe 19 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,080 CLANKING 20 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:10,720 # His towbar snapped! 21 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:14,400 # His towbar snapped! # Yeah! # 22 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:15,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 23 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,160 Ladies and gentlemen! 24 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,360 Yeah, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 25 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:22,240 That was the results of our research 26 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,240 into, erm, vehicle maintenance amongst the celebrity community. 27 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,800 That's right. Shocking, really. It's a scandal. 28 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,080 Bob, did you know that quite a large section 29 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,600 of the London Philharmonic are on the fiddle? 30 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,600 Hey! Hey! ELEPHANT TRUMPETS 31 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,520 Hey! ...cking hell! 32 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,760 Do you know that fella Vin Diesel? 33 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:48,280 No. You don't know him? 34 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,120 HIGH-PITCHED: "I've got a right itchy arse." 35 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:51,160 NORMAL VOICE: That one. 36 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,680 Oh, Fast & Furious? Yeah, Fast & Furious. 37 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,480 Now I know, yeah. White bloke. Yeah. 38 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:56,560 Yeah? 39 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,600 Well, I got into a bit of a barney with him, right? 40 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,800 Right, yeah. He got really annoyed and he said, 41 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,120 "I'm going to wipe the floor with your face." Yeah? 42 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:04,280 Yeah. 43 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,360 And I said, "Well, you might get a surprise, mate. 44 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,080 "You won't get into the corners." 45 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:10,880 Quite clever of me, I thought. 46 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:16,960 Nothing. 47 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,000 Eh? Nothing! 48 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,040 Yeah? 49 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,440 Nothing! Just you wait! 50 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,480 Not bothered! 51 00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,520 Absolutely. 52 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,080 Yeah, so, Vic... 53 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,320 Argh! Yeah. See? 54 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:29,360 Jesus! 55 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,600 "Delayed action fire extinguisher." 56 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,080 Ooh! 57 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,120 Ooh, you twister! Yeah. 58 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,920 Twisted you right round me little finger! 59 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:40,400 Vic, you've got to calm yourself. Do one of your photoshoots. 60 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,240 A photo. That'll cheer you up. 61 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:43,800 I'm ready. Are you ready? 62 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,120 Yeah. 63 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,600 CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS RAPIDLY 64 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,200 Come on. Sexy! Sexy! 65 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,880 Sexy dinner! Sexy dinner! 66 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,040 Angry dinner! Angry. 67 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,960 Ah, tough guy, tough guy. Tough. 68 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,840 Tough lunch. 69 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:02,880 Sexy hot! 70 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,680 Good. Yeah, yeah. 71 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,520 Are they any good? 72 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,120 I felt pretty hot! 73 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,400 I can't see, there's something blocking the lens... 74 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,520 Oh, it's a cucumber! 75 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,480 Why didn't you tell us? 76 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,040 Because I'm very drunk. 77 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,520 And so are you, Vic. 78 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,840 And it doesn't reflect very well on your fledgling photographic career, 79 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,640 does it, really? Oh, hold on. 80 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:27,680 Here, lads, do you know how to get these letters off? 81 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,520 What? I need the G 82 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,560 for me cousin Graham's headstone. 83 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,720 We're in the middle of... We're doing a show here. 84 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,040 We're doing a show here, mate. 85 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,480 You're doing a show? Yeah. 86 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,560 What you doing? Messing about, telling jokes, having a daft laugh and that? 87 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,120 Well, yeah, kind of. Yeah. 88 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,520 So, who are you anyway, mate? 89 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:43,880 I'm Paul Weller. 90 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,320 What, from The Jam? The who? 91 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,720 No, not The Who. The Jam. 92 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:52,560 The Jam. I've never heard of them. 93 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,600 So are you going to give us a hand with this, then? 94 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,320 No, we need it for the show. 95 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,960 I tell you what, right, 96 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,400 I only asked for that. 97 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,720 I'm going to take all these down except them two 98 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,120 at the end of the show when you're not here. 99 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,800 BS stands for bullshit! 100 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,080 PAUL SOBS 101 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,480 Hey, Bob, can you do this? Let's have a look. 102 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,320 Well, I can't do that, Vic. 103 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,200 No, I can't. 104 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:33,320 # I was in a cornfield 105 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,360 # Just laid on the ground 106 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,800 # My father leapt over me 107 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,840 # His balls hangin' down 108 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,720 # They brushed my cheek 109 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,440 # Without making a sound 110 00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:51,360 # Two balls in the distance 111 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,880 # As he headed for town. # 112 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:04,640 VOICEOVER: Sometimes one man's vision changes everything. 113 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:08,840 Where others see problems, he sees an opportunity. 114 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:12,120 Family man, innovator and entrepreneur 115 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,200 with a global reach. 116 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,880 Changing the way we think with a bold new vision. 117 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,080 Hi. I'm Frank Roddam, 118 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,880 and this is my dress boot for people with bulbous ankles, 119 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,720 like my beautiful wife Maria. 120 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,920 Wonderful. 121 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,520 The Frank Roddam dress boot for people with bulbous ankles. 122 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:36,280 Mail order preferred, although you may wish to visit our lock-up. 123 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,880 Here are the details. 124 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:58,200 # I was in a cornfield 125 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,120 # Just laid on the ground 126 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:04,840 # As my mother leapt over me 127 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:08,120 # Her knickers fell down 128 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,400 # They caught my chin 129 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,560 # And dragged me around 130 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:17,360 # Knickers, chin knickers 131 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,640 # Sang the folks in the town. # 132 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,560 Very nice. 133 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,520 Eh? 134 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,960 That was really nice, Vic. My only problem with it is 135 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,400 it's a bit old-fashioned, you know. 136 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,480 But it's beautiful! I know. I'm not saying that. 137 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,960 Ooh! I'm not saying that. But it's a little bit old-fashioned. 138 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,640 Why don't you join in with my project? 139 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,920 You know, like my Diversity dance thing. 140 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,120 You know, electronic. Bring yourself more up to date. 141 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,880 No! Come on, let's do it. 142 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,760 I have to say, ladies and gentlemen, this is Bob's project, 143 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,240 I've got nothing to do with it. 144 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,640 Yeah, but you can help me... Put all his savings into it 145 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,760 and his ISA. 146 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:52,840 Hee-hee! 147 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,800 Yeah, so it's like Diversity, you know. Modern. It's up to date. 148 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,000 Are you ready? 149 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,560 Yeah, I'm ready, yeah. OK, then. 150 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,280 Get in a stance. 151 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,360 ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS 152 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,000 ALARM BLARES 153 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,200 Emergency! Emergency! 154 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:11,840 Red alert! 155 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,800 Evacuation procedure commenced. 156 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,920 Prawn cocktail. 157 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:27,240 What did you say? Pra... Oh, I said prawn cocktail. 158 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,720 You said prawn cocktail. 159 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,640 I was thinking about me dinner. Oh, Vic, man! 160 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,200 I've got me dinner on me mind, haven't I? 161 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,560 Come on, behave. Starter. 162 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,320 We're inside a spaceship. Yeah, I'm sorry. 163 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,480 Sorry, I apologise. Emergency procedures. 164 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,040 Come on, start again. Right. 165 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,160 ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS 166 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:50,240 ALARM BLARES All staff to Zone X! 167 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,480 Steak and kidney pie and boiled potatoes. 168 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,440 What did you say? 169 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,120 Sorry, I did it again - steak and kidney pie and boiled potatoes. 170 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,120 I was just... I was getting excited about it. 171 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:05,480 Vic, man, it's like... There's been an attack on a spacecraft. 172 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,560 We're trying to evacuate. Yeah, I know. 173 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:08,960 There's not going to be roast beef. 174 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,000 It's all in, like, little powdered canisters, you know, foil. 175 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,200 I know. All right. 176 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,400 Sorry. 177 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:15,960 Yeah. Are you? Eh? 178 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,920 It's my project. Come on. Make an effort. 179 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,880 I was thinking about me dinner. Sorry. 180 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,040 ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS 181 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,200 ALARM BLARES 182 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:31,920 Argon chamber breached. 183 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,600 Apple crumble and custard in tinfoil. 184 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,120 Apple crumble? What was that? 185 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:40,640 What are you laughing for? 186 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,720 What did you say, Vic? 187 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,720 I said, "Apple crumble," but I did say, "In tinfoil." 188 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,960 I don't care. You're undermining me project. 189 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,120 Do you know, you'll never be up to date, Vic. 190 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,840 I'm sorry. AUDIENCE: Aww! 191 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,400 # I was in the cornfield 192 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,160 # Late afternoon 193 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,920 # I dropped my trousers... # 194 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,600 Yeah! 195 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,280 I'm Bruno Mars. 196 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,680 Top guy! Entrepreneur. 197 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,840 I'm Ed Sheeran. I'm a folk singer. 198 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:25,680 But today it's all about Bruno's special jewellery offers. 199 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,520 Yes. Jewellery! Jewellery! 200 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,480 I've got a date, like, at a restaurant. 201 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,240 Have you? Yeah, Bruno. 202 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,880 With a girl who I really like the shape of, you know. 203 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,720 Ooh. And, like, 204 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,120 have you got a piece, a bloody nice piece, like, 205 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:39,680 that would be quite romantic? 206 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,080 Well, actually, yes, Ed, I have. 207 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:45,360 Have a look at this beautiful 24-carat gold ring. 208 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,320 Ooh, show us it. There. There, do you like it? 209 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,200 That's bloody lovely, innit? It's nice, isn't it? Yeah. 210 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,000 If I'm in the restaurant, what if I have to swat flies, you know? 211 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,200 Oh, well, it won't fall in, no. Is it suitable? 212 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,240 Oh, you can swat flies all day long with it. 213 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:00,280 You can swat daddy-longlegs. It won't fall off. It won't fall off. 214 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:03,040 You can do what you like, but it won't fall off. Look! 215 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,720 Oh, it fell off! 216 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,720 I thought you said it wouldn't fall off! 217 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,000 Now look what you've done! You've knocked your hat off. 218 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,200 I... Where's me hat? 219 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,440 There. Is that any better for you? 220 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,040 Yeah. Right, so how much would that item be, that ring? 221 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,720 Well, have a guess, soft shite. 222 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,200 Oh, I don't know. Beautiful ring. 223 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,320 I think it'd be about £3,000. 224 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,440 £3,000?! Are you crazy? 225 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,400 29.99. 226 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,840 Oh, high-five, Bruno! 227 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,680 That's the end of the specials. 228 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,480 So it's time for me to sing one of me folk songs. 229 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,160 Oh, you're going to sing, are you? 230 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,600 Er... Can you...? 231 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,280 Bruno, can you help us with its arse end? 232 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,840 Got a bit of a droop on. 233 00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:58,920 Bruno, you've...! 234 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,960 Right, I'll have to do it a cappella now. 235 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,600 You'll have to do it a cappella now. 236 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,320 Here's me new song, ladies and gentlemen. 237 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,280 # It won't fall off, it won't fall off 238 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,280 # You can do what you want But it won't fall off! # 239 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,120 You cheeky sod! That's my song! 240 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,480 Yeah, it's all right. I'll pay you a fee for it. 241 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,560 What's your normal fee for your songs? 242 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,120 29.99. 243 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,600 All right. Well, that's a deal, then! 244 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,880 How much do you get? 245 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,920 £2 million. 246 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:27,320 Doh! 247 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,680 APPLAUSE 248 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,840 HE MOUTHS 249 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,160 HE MOUTHS 250 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,400 PLOPPING 251 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,240 FANFARE PLAYS 252 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,200 Let's meet the man with the stick. 253 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,240 There he is, the man with the stick. 254 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,280 And what do we cry when we see a man with the stick? 255 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,640 ALL: What's on the end of the stick, Vic? 256 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:37,880 Well, wonderful. 257 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,200 Are you going to reveal what's on the end of your stick? 258 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,920 No, of course you're not. Put it down there, put it down, 259 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,840 make sure it doesn't blow away. 260 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,520 That's it. 261 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,040 Well, man with the stick, I must say 262 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:51,640 you're looking very futuristic and silvery in your silver helmet. 263 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,040 Yeah, you got that right, 264 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,400 cos I actually live in the future now, Vic. 265 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,400 Do you? So I've come back. 266 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,600 40 years forward, I live now. 267 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,840 Do you? So... And everything's covered in foil. 268 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,520 40 years? Yeah. 269 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,960 Wow, there's no... there's no drawings on your helmet. 270 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,640 No, we don't have drawings in the future. 271 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:11,760 No, what we do, we have these panels and you push 'em up and down 272 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:13,200 and they've got the images on. 273 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,760 So if you said, "What have you been up to, mate?" 274 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:19,000 I'd say, "Whoosh! Have a look there." Show you. 275 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,200 You know what I mean? Wow. You're from the future. 276 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,240 It's the future, innit? 277 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,400 What's it like? Just give us a brief explanation. 278 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,000 What's it like in the future? Well... 279 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,520 Well, there's been an apocalypse, obviously. 280 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,840 Yeah. I think we kind of guessed that. You know. 281 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,120 Erm, it's much like you'd expect it, really. 282 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,600 There's lots of punks in cages, 283 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,800 jumping up and down and reaching out, you know. 284 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,480 Yeah, yeah. Erm... 285 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,720 Girls with mohicans and... Girls with mohicans. 286 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,200 Raggy trousers and buckles on 'em. Yeah. 287 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,160 People driving round the desert, you know, in dune buggies, 288 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,680 but they're not behind the wheel. 289 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,600 They, like, hang out like that, you know. 290 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,720 Hey! 291 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,240 So yeah, pretty much as we... Skulls on the...? 292 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,160 Skulls, yeah. All that sort of... 293 00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,400 And who's the leader? Who's in charge of everything? 294 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,400 Oh, there's an overall boss of all zones now, Vic. 295 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,680 Yeah? Yeah, his name's Gasbo. 296 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,080 Gasbo? Gasbo, yeah. 297 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,040 To be honest, he's a bit of a dickhead, actually. 298 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,440 No? Really? Yeah. 299 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,480 Why's that? Hey, don't tell him I said that. 300 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,120 I won't tell him. I won't say a word, no. 301 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,000 Honest, I'd be like... big trouble if I told him. 302 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,720 So, the bad news for you, mate, though, fella-me-lad, is... 303 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,600 Yeah, what? ..I've been sent back from the future 304 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,200 to, er, destroy you. 305 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:27,400 Erm, I've got my blaster. 306 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,960 Why...? Why are you destroying me? 307 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,400 Eh? Why? 308 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,720 Well, because it turns out that your son becomes 309 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,920 leader of the rebel forces or summat? 310 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,920 Yeah. What, Buffo? Yeah, Bu... 311 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,440 HE LAUGHS 312 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,760 Yeah, so I've got me blaster. 313 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,480 You'll just like...phoo! - disappear. 314 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,080 What, you're going to destroy me with that? Just one charge, so... 315 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:46,480 What is it? Sorry. 316 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:47,680 Let's have a look. 317 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,200 Oh, you've disarmed me very easily. 318 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,160 Very easy, that, weren't it? 319 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:55,040 So, now me mission's failed. Yeah. 320 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,600 So I'm going to be in deep shit with Gasbo. 321 00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,560 Yeah, you are. Yeah, do you know why? 322 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:01,400 Why's that, then? Because... 323 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,280 ..I am Gasbo! 324 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,880 Henchmen, seize him! 325 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,400 Seize him! 326 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,360 Get off! 327 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:12,720 ...cking hell! 328 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:37,880 There's some quite simple rules 329 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:41,480 that you will have to conform to if you want to join our urban unit. 330 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:42,640 Rule one. 331 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,800 Pack a waterproof jacket in... in your satchel. 332 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:46,960 Rule two! 333 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,240 Get trippy. 334 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,280 Rule three! 335 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,800 Wear sensible shoes. 336 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,640 Do you get it? You'd better. 337 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,920 SPEECH SYNTHESISER: Waterproof. Get trippy. Sensible shoes. 338 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,600 Jump the fuck out of your environment's what we say. 339 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:03,400 Yeah, jump, run and hide in the urban environment. 340 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,080 And if anyone says anything 341 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:08,240 about me being brought up in a rural environment, that is just a lie. 342 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,440 Liar. 343 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,760 Boots the chemist. 344 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,920 My mother's a prostitute, always has been. 345 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:20,120 She's had it off with every member of Dire Straits. 346 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,920 When we grew up, you had two choices. 347 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:33,040 Choice one. Prison. 348 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:34,560 Choice two. Hard drugs. 349 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,080 We went for the latter. We take loads of hard drugs. Yeah. 350 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,200 Banksy. 351 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,880 Bright green cannab -is. 352 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,000 That's what we smoke. 353 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:53,240 This is the list. What about free parking for the Pakistani community? 354 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:56,240 More cycle lanes to nowhere. 355 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,720 No more papal visits. 356 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,680 How about that? Make a difference, wouldn't it? Hey, watch out. 357 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:07,800 We've got a competition in Plymouth in a few weeks against the French. 358 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,320 They're a good unit, but we're going to destroy 'em. 359 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,080 I didn't know anything about this. 360 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:21,400 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Donald and Davey Stott! 361 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,080 HIGH-PITCHED: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! 362 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,280 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! 363 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,240 Welcome to our magic show. 364 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,440 We've got the magic! 365 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,280 # Ooh, touch me! Touch me! 366 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,640 # I want to touch your booty. # 367 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:39,840 Shut up. Stop starting, David, with your erotic tunes. 368 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,680 Right. I know why you're doing those tunes, 369 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,600 because, ladies and gentlemen, before we do the magic, 370 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,640 David has got himself a girlfriend! 371 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,520 Got a new girlfriend. AUDIENCE: Whoo! 372 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:52,560 Yeah, I know! She's Native American. 373 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:53,760 What's she called, Dave? 374 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,120 Running Water. 375 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:58,560 Running Water? Well, that's a really nice name, that. 376 00:17:58,560 --> 00:17:59,800 How did she get that name? 377 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,360 Well, you see her father fired an arrow up in the air 378 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,480 and it landed in the sink. 379 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:07,280 Oh, right! And the water was running. 380 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,400 Course it was running! 381 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,240 If it wasn't, she'd be called Broken Tap or summat! 382 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:13,840 Oh. 383 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:16,360 Oh, Davey. Oh, Don. 384 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,160 Hee-hee-hee! 385 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,200 So, you and, er, you and Running Water, 386 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,960 what do you do every day, you know? 387 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:28,440 Well, we get up quite early. 388 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,840 About 4.30 in afternoon. 389 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:32,520 Oh, right. Very early. 390 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:36,320 So we sit down about six o'clock, start to look at the television. 391 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,800 And then about ten o'clock we turn it on. 392 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,120 Oh, righty-ho. And then we turn it off. 393 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,120 You like TV, do you? Oh, yeah, I do! Yeah! We both do. 394 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,200 What's your favourite programme, David? 395 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,080 Erm, I like the dancing programmes. 396 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,400 I like Strictly. 397 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,200 Oh, right, you like ballroom, do you? 398 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,160 Yes, I do. Why'd you think I'm wearing this kilt? 399 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,720 Ha-ha... Just like... 400 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,520 Just like a little joke, get you in the mood, you know, 401 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:03,040 for getting in the mood for the magic cos it's coming up right now. 402 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:06,000 Magic! Davey Stott's... BOTH: ...magic show! 403 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,960 GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS 404 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,720 Go, Davey. 405 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,400 Davey Stott, ladies and gentlemen! 406 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,960 What's going on? 407 00:19:56,760 --> 00:20:00,080 ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 408 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,920 GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS 409 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,520 ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 410 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,400 APPLAUSE 411 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,800 Cod in parsley sauce! 412 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,000 ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 413 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,320 MUSIC FADES, HIGH-PITCHED RINGING 414 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:54,840 Sorry. 415 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,200 Sorry. 416 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:03,480 GUNSHOT 417 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,440 HIGH-PITCHED RINGING CONTINUES 418 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:06,840 Sorry. GUNSHOT 419 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,240 HIGH-PITCHED RINGING CONTINUES 420 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:10,280 GUNSHOT 421 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,280 Sorry. 422 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,840 HIGH-PITCHED RINGING CONTINUES 423 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:15,880 GUNSHOT 424 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:19,480 Sorry. 425 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,840 THEY WHISPER: OK. Get the chicken out. 426 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:40,880 Chicken. 427 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:45,600 That's a nice one, innit? 428 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:46,680 HE LAUGHS 429 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:47,720 Shh. 430 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,000 THEY BOTH WHISPER 431 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,760 Let the chicken out. 432 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,480 HE WHISPERS: Please take the chicken. Please take the chicken. 433 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:24,280 He took it! He took it! 434 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,160 Previous clip... 435 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,160 You like the previous clip? 436 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,040 So, Vic, I was just wondering, 437 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,800 who's your favourite Lord Of The Rings character? 438 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:39,840 Calgon? 439 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:45,480 Calgon's a limescale tablet for your dishwasher and that. 440 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,480 Do you have a favourite lime de-scaler? 441 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:50,400 Gandalf? 442 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,200 Fuckin' hell. 443 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,400 Fuck me. 444 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,480 Hey, Bob, will you help me out? 445 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,760 I've got a wishbone and I want a wish to come true. 446 00:22:58,760 --> 00:22:59,800 Yeah, of course I will. 447 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,840 Yeah? Pull me. Where'd you get your wishbone? 448 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,560 I got it, erm, round the back of the carvery last night. 449 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:05,840 Yeah? Toby's? 450 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,640 Er... No, it's mine. 451 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,360 Berni Inn? 452 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,960 He weren't working that night. 453 00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,920 Little... Excellent little bit of humour there. 454 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,120 Shall we pull it? Have you worked out your wish, though? 455 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:19,240 Oh, I know what I want. Is it a good 'un? Yeah, it is. 456 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,160 Ooh, you seem very certain. OK, good luck, lad. 457 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,400 Right, go. 458 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,480 SNAP 459 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:24,800 Hey! I won! 460 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,120 He wins! I won! 461 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,280 Did me wish come true? Well, I don't know. Did it? 462 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,600 Will you have a look? 463 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:32,800 It's come true, Vic! Has it? 464 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,720 It's come true, look! Me wish has come true! 465 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:36,920 Oh, wow! 466 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,000 I've always wanted a lot of hair on the back of me hand. 467 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,000 It's extraordinary. You lucky lad! 468 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,040 I tell you, you could be the first to comb it. 469 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,280 You're kidding?! Oh, thank you, Vic. 470 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,040 What a... What a privilege. 471 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,160 SMOOCHY MUSIC PLAYS 472 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:53,960 WOMAN IN MUSIC: # Oh, yeah 473 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,480 # Oh 474 00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:03,400 # Yes, yes 475 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,440 # Oh, yes. # 476 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,440 Thanks. Thank you so much for that. 477 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,320 Thank you so much. What a privilege. Thank you. 478 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:20,760 Hey, why don't you have a go? 479 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,680 Me? You've got another wishbone, have you? 480 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,640 Yeah. Where'd you get it? 481 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:25,840 Round the back of the carvery. 482 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:26,960 Toby's? 483 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,560 No, they're mine. 484 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:29,680 Berni Inn? 485 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,000 No, he weren't working that night. 486 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,880 SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 487 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,440 It's just refusing to improve, innit? 488 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:37,720 Whatever we do. 489 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,640 Yeah, I'd love to have a wish. It's never going to get better than that. 490 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,720 Let me just get me wish ready. Come on, ready? 491 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:45,120 Yeah, I've got... Yeah, I've got a cracker. 492 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,000 Yeah. Come on, then. 493 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,400 Pull. SNAP 494 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:49,960 Yes! Yeah, you won! 495 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,960 Yes! Oh, well done! 496 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,600 Thank you. Thank you. Did your wish come true? Have a look. 497 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,160 I don't know yet. No, I didn't wish for hairy hands. 498 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,200 So what did you wish for? I'm not telling you. It won't come true. 499 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:02,360 We ain't got all night. 500 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:16,600 Yes! I wished for your tea to thicken. 501 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:17,880 And it came true! 502 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:20,920 Ooh-ah! 503 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:27,480 TRUMPET NOTES REPLACE WORDS 504 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:37,920 Right. That's it, I want to fight. I'll fight you. 505 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,160 I want to fight over here. Come here. Come on, then. 506 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,520 Let's fight. 507 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:43,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 508 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:44,680 Come on! 509 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,120 Are you ready? Make a move. 510 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,320 I'm ready, come on, then! 511 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:48,960 Make a move! Who's first, eh? 512 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,200 Ooh, what's that over there? 513 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:52,240 SQUELCH 514 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,280 Oh! 515 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,840 Round and round and round he goes. 516 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,000 Where he stops, nobody knows! 517 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,440 POP 518 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:04,840 Ooh! 519 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:06,240 Come on! I'm coming! 520 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:07,560 I'm coming. 521 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:08,880 THUD 522 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:10,320 THWACK 523 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,680 Come on. What? What? 524 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,400 How about this, eh? What have you got? 525 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:16,400 What about this one? What have you got? 526 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,320 Are you ready? Yeah. Check this out. 527 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,480 CLANG Ooh! 528 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,600 Low-level scissor kick. 529 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:27,840 Huh? 530 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,840 METALLIC SLICE AND CLANG 531 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:32,880 Victory is mine! 532 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:34,400 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 533 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:35,760 Thank you for that, son. 534 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,000 Well done. 535 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,200 Once again, I am victorious. You are victorious. 536 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,000 INCOHERENTLY: Quite a boast, ladies and gentlemen, quite a boast. 537 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,960 Well, all that remains to do is... Quite a boast. 538 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,400 ...for us to sing you farewell. 539 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:48,160 If you can't be bothered watching that, here's Vaun here 540 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:49,760 and he's holding a shoebox... 541 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,240 With a cuttlefish inside it. 542 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,840 A live cuttlefish. I know you can't see it, ladies and gentlemen, 543 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,560 but I assure you it is in there. 544 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,160 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you and goodnight. 545 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,560 BOTH: # You can do it if you really want 546 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:09,680 # Hey! 547 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,920 # You can do it if you really want 548 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,720 # You can do it if you really want 549 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:16,760 # Hey! 550 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:18,880 # You can do it if you really want 551 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,280 # Act hard in a elevator 552 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,720 # Talk tough in a Laundromat 553 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:30,280 # Bake a cake with Reggie Yates 554 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:33,320 # Change your name to will.i.am 555 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:36,960 # Have several peppery thoughts! Hey! 556 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,440 # Buy a very, very, very heavy dog 557 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,800 # Go for a ride on Brad Pitt's camel 558 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,920 # Disinfectant, no, no, no 559 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,360 # No! 560 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:49,880 # You can do it if you really want 561 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:50,920 # Hey! 562 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:57,640 # You can do it if you really want You can do it if you really want 563 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,080 # You can do it if you really want 564 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:01,120 # Come on! 565 00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:07,120 # You can do it if you really want You can do it if you really want 566 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,160 # You can! 567 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,280 # Disinfectant, no, no, no! 568 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:11,360 # Yes! 569 00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:13,840 # Disinfectant, no, no, no! 570 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:14,880 # Yes! #