This programme contains some strong language
APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER: They've arrived for a Big Night Out -
it's Vic and Bob!
JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS
# Simon Cowell was in his car
# Driving up to Middlesbrough
# But as he reached for an egg at Scotch Corner
WHOOSHING AND CLANGING
BOTH: # His wheel came off!
# Gregg Wallace in his vegetable van
# Driving up to Sunderland
# But when he adjusted his nuts in Darlington
CLANGING
# His door fell off!
# Ashley Banjo took his caravan
# On holiday to Birmingham
# But at the Little Chef in High Wycombe
CLANKING
# His towbar snapped!
# Yeah! #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen!
Yeah, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
That was the results of our research
into, erm, vehicle maintenance amongst the celebrity community.
That's right. Shocking, really. It's a scandal.
Bob, did you know that quite a large section
of the London Philharmonic are on the fiddle?
Hey! Hey! ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
Hey! ...cking hell!
Do you know that fella Vin Diesel?
No. You don't know him?
HIGH-PITCHED: "I've got a right itchy arse."
NORMAL VOICE: That one.
Oh, Fast & Furious? Yeah, Fast & Furious.
Now I know, yeah. White bloke. Yeah.
Yeah?
Well, I got into a bit of a barney with him, right?
Right, yeah. He got really annoyed and he said,
"I'm going to wipe the floor with your face." Yeah?
Yeah.
And I said, "Well, you might get a surprise, mate.
"You won't get into the corners."
Quite clever of me, I thought.
Nothing.
Eh? Nothing!
Yeah?
Nothing! Just you wait!
Not bothered!
Absolutely.
Yeah, so, Vic...
Argh! Yeah. See?
Jesus!
"Delayed action fire extinguisher."
Ooh!
Ooh, you twister! Yeah.
Twisted you right round me little finger!
Vic, you've got to calm yourself. Do one of your photoshoots.
A photo. That'll cheer you up.
I'm ready. Are you ready?
Yeah.
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS RAPIDLY
Come on. Sexy! Sexy!
Sexy dinner! Sexy dinner!
Angry dinner! Angry.
Ah, tough guy, tough guy. Tough.
Tough lunch.
Sexy hot!
Good. Yeah, yeah.
Are they any good?
I felt pretty hot!
I can't see, there's something blocking the lens...
Oh, it's a cucumber!
Why didn't you tell us?
Because I'm very drunk.
And so are you, Vic.
And it doesn't reflect very well on your fledgling photographic career,
does it, really? Oh, hold on.
Here, lads, do you know how to get these letters off?
What? I need the G
for me cousin Graham's headstone.
We're in the middle of... We're doing a show here.
We're doing a show here, mate.
You're doing a show? Yeah.
What you doing? Messing about, telling jokes, having a daft laugh and that?
Well, yeah, kind of. Yeah.
So, who are you anyway, mate?
I'm Paul Weller.
What, from The Jam? The who?
No, not The Who. The Jam.
The Jam. I've never heard of them.
So are you going to give us a hand with this, then?
No, we need it for the show.
I tell you what, right,
I only asked for that.
I'm going to take all these down except them two
at the end of the show when you're not here.
BS stands for bullshit!
PAUL SOBS
Hey, Bob, can you do this? Let's have a look.
Well, I can't do that, Vic.
No, I can't.
# I was in a cornfield
# Just laid on the ground
# My father leapt over me
# His balls hangin' down
# They brushed my cheek
# Without making a sound
# Two balls in the distance
# As he headed for town. #
VOICEOVER: Sometimes one man's vision changes everything.
Where others see problems, he sees an opportunity.
Family man, innovator and entrepreneur
with a global reach.
Changing the way we think with a bold new vision.
Hi. I'm Frank Roddam,
and this is my dress boot for people with bulbous ankles,
like my beautiful wife Maria.
Wonderful.
The Frank Roddam dress boot for people with bulbous ankles.
Mail order preferred, although you may wish to visit our lock-up.
Here are the details.
# I was in a cornfield
# Just laid on the ground
# As my mother leapt over me
# Her knickers fell down
# They caught my chin
# And dragged me around
# Knickers, chin knickers
# Sang the folks in the town. #
Very nice.
Eh?
That was really nice, Vic. My only problem with it is
it's a bit old-fashioned, you know.
But it's beautiful! I know. I'm not saying that.
Ooh! I'm not saying that. But it's a little bit old-fashioned.
Why don't you join in with my project?
You know, like my Diversity dance thing.
You know, electronic. Bring yourself more up to date.
No! Come on, let's do it.
I have to say, ladies and gentlemen, this is Bob's project,
I've got nothing to do with it.
Yeah, but you can help me... Put all his savings into it
and his ISA.
Hee-hee!
Yeah, so it's like Diversity, you know. Modern. It's up to date.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready, yeah. OK, then.
Get in a stance.
ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
ALARM BLARES
Emergency! Emergency!
Red alert!
Evacuation procedure commenced.
Prawn cocktail.
What did you say? Pra... Oh, I said prawn cocktail.
You said prawn cocktail.
I was thinking about me dinner. Oh, Vic, man!
I've got me dinner on me mind, haven't I?
Come on, behave. Starter.
We're inside a spaceship. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Sorry, I apologise. Emergency procedures.
Come on, start again. Right.
ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
ALARM BLARES All staff to Zone X!
Steak and kidney pie and boiled potatoes.
What did you say?
Sorry, I did it again - steak and kidney pie and boiled potatoes.
I was just... I was getting excited about it.
Vic, man, it's like... There's been an attack on a spacecraft.
We're trying to evacuate. Yeah, I know.
There's not going to be roast beef.
It's all in, like, little powdered canisters, you know, foil.
I know. All right.
Sorry.
Yeah. Are you? Eh?
It's my project. Come on. Make an effort.
I was thinking about me dinner. Sorry.
ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
ALARM BLARES
Argon chamber breached.
Apple crumble and custard in tinfoil.
Apple crumble? What was that?
What are you laughing for?
What did you say, Vic?
I said, "Apple crumble," but I did say, "In tinfoil."
I don't care. You're undermining me project.
Do you know, you'll never be up to date, Vic.
I'm sorry. AUDIENCE: Aww!
# I was in the cornfield
# Late afternoon
# I dropped my trousers... #
Yeah!
I'm Bruno Mars.
Top guy! Entrepreneur.
I'm Ed Sheeran. I'm a folk singer.
But today it's all about Bruno's special jewellery offers.
Yes. Jewellery! Jewellery!
I've got a date, like, at a restaurant.
Have you? Yeah, Bruno.
With a girl who I really like the shape of, you know.
Ooh. And, like,
have you got a piece, a bloody nice piece, like,
that would be quite romantic?
Well, actually, yes, Ed, I have.
Have a look at this beautiful 24-carat gold ring.
Ooh, show us it. There. There, do you like it?
That's bloody lovely, innit? It's nice, isn't it? Yeah.
If I'm in the restaurant, what if I have to swat flies, you know?
Oh, well, it won't fall in, no. Is it suitable?
Oh, you can swat flies all day long with it.
You can swat daddy-longlegs. It won't fall off. It won't fall off.
You can do what you like, but it won't fall off. Look!
Oh, it fell off!
I thought you said it wouldn't fall off!
Now look what you've done! You've knocked your hat off.
I... Where's me hat?
There. Is that any better for you?
Yeah. Right, so how much would that item be, that ring?
Well, have a guess, soft shite.
Oh, I don't know. Beautiful ring.
I think it'd be about £3,000.
£3,000?! Are you crazy?
29.99.
Oh, high-five, Bruno!
That's the end of the specials.
So it's time for me to sing one of me folk songs.
Oh, you're going to sing, are you?
Er... Can you...?
Bruno, can you help us with its arse end?
Got a bit of a droop on.
Bruno, you've...!
Right, I'll have to do it a cappella now.
You'll have to do it a cappella now.
Here's me new song, ladies and gentlemen.
# It won't fall off, it won't fall off
# You can do what you want But it won't fall off! #
You cheeky sod! That's my song!
Yeah, it's all right. I'll pay you a fee for it.
What's your normal fee for your songs?
29.99.
All right. Well, that's a deal, then!
How much do you get?
£2 million.
Doh!
APPLAUSE
HE MOUTHS
PLOPPING
FANFARE PLAYS
Let's meet the man with the stick.
There he is, the man with the stick.
And what do we cry when we see a man with the stick?
ALL: What's on the end of the stick, Vic?
Well, wonderful.
Are you going to reveal what's on the end of your stick?
No, of course you're not. Put it down there, put it down,
make sure it doesn't blow away.
That's it.
Well, man with the stick, I must say
you're looking very futuristic and silvery in your silver helmet.
Yeah, you got that right,
cos I actually live in the future now, Vic.
Do you? So I've come back.
40 years forward, I live now.
Do you? So... And everything's covered in foil.
40 years? Yeah.
Wow, there's no... there's no drawings on your helmet.
No, we don't have drawings in the future.
No, what we do, we have these panels and you push 'em up and down
and they've got the images on.
So if you said, "What have you been up to, mate?"
I'd say, "Whoosh! Have a look there." Show you.
You know what I mean? Wow. You're from the future.
It's the future, innit?
What's it like? Just give us a brief explanation.
What's it like in the future? Well...
Well, there's been an apocalypse, obviously.
Yeah. I think we kind of guessed that. You know.
Erm, it's much like you'd expect it, really.
There's lots of punks in cages,
jumping up and down and reaching out, you know.
Yeah, yeah. Erm...
Girls with mohicans and... Girls with mohicans.
Raggy trousers and buckles on 'em. Yeah.
People driving round the desert, you know, in dune buggies,
but they're not behind the wheel.
They, like, hang out like that, you know.
Hey!
So yeah, pretty much as we... Skulls on the...?
Skulls, yeah. All that sort of...
And who's the leader? Who's in charge of everything?
Oh, there's an overall boss of all zones now, Vic.
Yeah? Yeah, his name's Gasbo.
Gasbo? Gasbo, yeah.
To be honest, he's a bit of a dickhead, actually.
No? Really? Yeah.
Why's that? Hey, don't tell him I said that.
I won't tell him. I won't say a word, no.
Honest, I'd be like... big trouble if I told him.
So, the bad news for you, mate, though, fella-me-lad, is...
Yeah, what? ..I've been sent back from the future
to, er, destroy you.
Erm, I've got my blaster.
Why...? Why are you destroying me?
Eh? Why?
Well, because it turns out that your son becomes
leader of the rebel forces or summat?
Yeah. What, Buffo? Yeah, Bu...
HE LAUGHS
Yeah, so I've got me blaster.
You'll just like...phoo! - disappear.
What, you're going to destroy me with that? Just one charge, so...
What is it? Sorry.
Let's have a look.
Oh, you've disarmed me very easily.
Very easy, that, weren't it?
So, now me mission's failed. Yeah.
So I'm going to be in deep shit with Gasbo.
Yeah, you are. Yeah, do you know why?
Why's that, then? Because...
..I am Gasbo!
Henchmen, seize him!
Seize him!
Get off!
...cking hell!
There's some quite simple rules
that you will have to conform to if you want to join our urban unit.
Rule one.
Pack a waterproof jacket in... in your satchel.
Rule two!
Get trippy.
Rule three!
Wear sensible shoes.
Do you get it? You'd better.
SPEECH SYNTHESISER: Waterproof. Get trippy. Sensible shoes.
Jump the fuck out of your environment's what we say.
Yeah, jump, run and hide in the urban environment.
And if anyone says anything
about me being brought up in a rural environment, that is just a lie.
Liar.
Boots the chemist.
My mother's a prostitute, always has been.
She's had it off with every member of Dire Straits.
When we grew up, you had two choices.
Choice one. Prison.
Choice two. Hard drugs.
We went for the latter. We take loads of hard drugs. Yeah.
Banksy.
Bright green cannab -is.
That's what we smoke.
This is the list. What about free parking for the Pakistani community?
More cycle lanes to nowhere.
No more papal visits.
How about that? Make a difference, wouldn't it? Hey, watch out.
We've got a competition in Plymouth in a few weeks against the French.
They're a good unit, but we're going to destroy 'em.
I didn't know anything about this.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Donald and Davey Stott!
HIGH-PITCHED: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to our magic show.
We've got the magic!
# Ooh, touch me! Touch me!
# I want to touch your booty. #
Shut up. Stop starting, David, with your erotic tunes.
Right. I know why you're doing those tunes,
because, ladies and gentlemen, before we do the magic,
David has got himself a girlfriend!
Got a new girlfriend. AUDIENCE: Whoo!
Yeah, I know! She's Native American.
What's she called, Dave?
Running Water.
Running Water? Well, that's a really nice name, that.
How did she get that name?
Well, you see her father fired an arrow up in the air
and it landed in the sink.
Oh, right! And the water was running.
Course it was running!
If it wasn't, she'd be called Broken Tap or summat!
Oh.
Oh, Davey. Oh, Don.
Hee-hee-hee!
So, you and, er, you and Running Water,
what do you do every day, you know?
Well, we get up quite early.
About 4.30 in afternoon.
Oh, right. Very early.
So we sit down about six o'clock, start to look at the television.
And then about ten o'clock we turn it on.
Oh, righty-ho. And then we turn it off.
You like TV, do you? Oh, yeah, I do! Yeah! We both do.
What's your favourite programme, David?
Erm, I like the dancing programmes.
I like Strictly.
Oh, right, you like ballroom, do you?
Yes, I do. Why'd you think I'm wearing this kilt?
Ha-ha... Just like...
Just like a little joke, get you in the mood, you know,
for getting in the mood for the magic cos it's coming up right now.
Magic! Davey Stott's... BOTH: ...magic show!
GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS
Go, Davey.
Davey Stott, ladies and gentlemen!
What's going on?
ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS
ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
APPLAUSE
Cod in parsley sauce!
ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC FADES, HIGH-PITCHED RINGING
Sorry.
GUNSHOT
HIGH-PITCHED RINGING CONTINUES
Sorry. GUNSHOT
HIGH-PITCHED RINGING CONTINUES
GUNSHOT
Sorry.
HIGH-PITCHED RINGING CONTINUES
GUNSHOT
Sorry.
THEY WHISPER: OK. Get the chicken out.
Chicken.
That's a nice one, innit?
HE LAUGHS
Shh.
THEY BOTH WHISPER
Let the chicken out.
HE WHISPERS: Please take the chicken. Please take the chicken.
He took it! He took it!
Previous clip...
You like the previous clip?
So, Vic, I was just wondering,
who's your favourite Lord Of The Rings character?
Calgon?
Calgon's a limescale tablet for your dishwasher and that.
Do you have a favourite lime de-scaler?
Gandalf?
Fuckin' hell.
Fuck me.
Hey, Bob, will you help me out?
I've got a wishbone and I want a wish to come true.
Yeah, of course I will.
Yeah? Pull me. Where'd you get your wishbone?
I got it, erm, round the back of the carvery last night.
Yeah? Toby's?
Er... No, it's mine.
Berni Inn?
He weren't working that night.
Little... Excellent little bit of humour there.
Shall we pull it? Have you worked out your wish, though?
Oh, I know what I want. Is it a good 'un? Yeah, it is.
Ooh, you seem very certain. OK, good luck, lad.
Right, go.
SNAP
Hey! I won!
He wins! I won!
Did me wish come true? Well, I don't know. Did it?
Will you have a look?
It's come true, Vic! Has it?
It's come true, look! Me wish has come true!
Oh, wow!
I've always wanted a lot of hair on the back of me hand.
It's extraordinary. You lucky lad!
I tell you, you could be the first to comb it.
You're kidding?! Oh, thank you, Vic.
What a... What a privilege.
SMOOCHY MUSIC PLAYS
WOMAN IN MUSIC: # Oh, yeah
# Oh
# Yes, yes
# Oh, yes. #
Thanks. Thank you so much for that.
Thank you so much. What a privilege. Thank you.
Hey, why don't you have a go?
Me? You've got another wishbone, have you?
Yeah. Where'd you get it?
Round the back of the carvery.
Toby's?
No, they're mine.
Berni Inn?
No, he weren't working that night.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
It's just refusing to improve, innit?
Whatever we do.
Yeah, I'd love to have a wish. It's never going to get better than that.
Let me just get me wish ready. Come on, ready?
Yeah, I've got... Yeah, I've got a cracker.
Yeah. Come on, then.
Pull. SNAP
Yes! Yeah, you won!
Yes! Oh, well done!
Thank you. Thank you. Did your wish come true? Have a look.
I don't know yet. No, I didn't wish for hairy hands.
So what did you wish for? I'm not telling you. It won't come true.
We ain't got all night.
Yes! I wished for your tea to thicken.
And it came true!
Ooh-ah!
TRUMPET NOTES REPLACE WORDS
Right. That's it, I want to fight. I'll fight you.
I want to fight over here. Come here. Come on, then.
Let's fight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on!
Are you ready? Make a move.
I'm ready, come on, then!
Make a move! Who's first, eh?
Ooh, what's that over there?
SQUELCH
Oh!
Round and round and round he goes.
Where he stops, nobody knows!
POP
Ooh!
Come on! I'm coming!
I'm coming.
THUD
THWACK
Come on. What? What?
How about this, eh? What have you got?
What about this one? What have you got?
Are you ready? Yeah. Check this out.
CLANG Ooh!
Low-level scissor kick.
Huh?
METALLIC SLICE AND CLANG
Victory is mine!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thank you for that, son.
Well done.
Once again, I am victorious. You are victorious.
INCOHERENTLY: Quite a boast, ladies and gentlemen, quite a boast.
Well, all that remains to do is... Quite a boast.
...for us to sing you farewell.
If you can't be bothered watching that, here's Vaun here
and he's holding a shoebox...
With a cuttlefish inside it.
A live cuttlefish. I know you can't see it, ladies and gentlemen,
but I assure you it is in there.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you and goodnight.
BOTH: # You can do it if you really want
# Hey!
# You can do it if you really want
# Hey!
# You can do it if you really want
# Act hard in a elevator
# Talk tough in a Laundromat
# Bake a cake with Reggie Yates
# Change your name to will.i.am
# Have several peppery thoughts! Hey!
# Buy a very, very, very heavy dog
# Go for a ride on Brad Pitt's camel
# Disinfectant, no, no, no
# No!
# You can do it if you really want
# Hey!
# You can do it if you really want You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want
# Come on!
# You can do it if you really want You can do it if you really want
# You can!
# Disinfectant, no, no, no!
# Yes!
# Disinfectant, no, no, no!
# Yes! #