1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,880 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:11,200 '80S SYNTH-POP PLAYS 3 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:14,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 4 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:16,400 BOB: Ladies and gentlemen. 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,280 VIC: Welcome to Vic & Bob's Big Night Out. 6 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,000 Fact! 7 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,360 # What are you queuing for? 8 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:29,560 # The bus 9 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:30,800 # Where are you going to? 10 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,080 # Portsmouth 11 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,400 # How much were the tickets? 12 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:34,440 # £10 13 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:35,920 # What you gonna buy there? 14 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,360 # Pork chops! # 15 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:39,040 LAUGHTER 16 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:48,440 # ..How long will you stay there? 17 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:49,640 # Three hours 18 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,000 # Will you have your lunch there? 19 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,040 # Yeah, salad 20 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:53,560 # What kind of salad? 21 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:54,680 # Egg 22 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:55,880 # Have a nice day then 23 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:56,920 # Thank you. # 24 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,880 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Good evening! 25 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:08,400 Hey, hearing mention of Portsmouth, I was in Portsmouth last year. 26 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,040 I went for a vasectomy. 27 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,520 Oh? Yeah. 28 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,760 Yeah, because I didn't want to have kids any more. 29 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:17,000 Mmm. Didn't work. When I got home, the kids were still there. 30 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,240 BELL TOLLS 31 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,400 Hey-hey, a celebration! 32 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,480 Yeah! 33 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,000 Go on, have a go on yours, son. 34 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,120 Can I? Yeah. Think I should? Give it a pull. 35 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:30,280 BIKE BELL TINKLES 36 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:31,840 Ooh! 37 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,160 BOB GUFFAWS 38 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,760 You made that happen, didn't you? 39 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,600 No, I never. I knew nothing about it. Nowt to do with me, mate. 40 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,360 Do you know what? What? 41 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,520 When I was younger, 42 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:46,080 I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. 43 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:47,520 Oh, right. Interesting. 44 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:48,840 And then I was born. 45 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,160 Wow! Wow! 46 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,000 Shit! 47 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,040 BELL TOLLS 48 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,000 Shit! 49 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,440 Is that a skill you've got? 50 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,680 Yeah, I've got skills, yeah. Wow! 51 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,080 Yeah, calm down. 52 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:08,320 Have you ever... 53 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,160 Have you ever thought of getting 54 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,720 in touch with Dr, erm, Dr Xander... X-Men! 55 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,280 Dr Xantax from the X-Men? 56 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,880 From the X-Men! I went to the X-Men school. 57 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,160 You never. Yeah. 58 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,120 Really? Yeah, course I did, yeah. 59 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,800 Blimey. So who else was there when you were? 60 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:24,600 Wolverine. He was there. 61 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,000 Do you not remember - you know Wolverine? I think so, yeah. 62 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,320 You know, he's like a doggy sort of fella. He's got cutlery for fingers. 63 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,040 You know? Glove. 64 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,320 You know, like kitchen knives. 65 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,840 IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: You know, cos that's what they are. 66 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,760 Slice, slice. 67 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,080 Do you want white sliced bread? 68 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,480 No worries! 69 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:44,520 BELL TOLLS 70 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,200 BIKE BELL TINKLES 71 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,360 Ooh! 72 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:53,040 Vic, would you show us that skill just once more, please? 73 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,280 Just one more. Just one more - for you. 74 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:56,400 Thank you. Yeah. 75 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,560 Yeah, I'm going to watch the end of it. 76 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,320 Are you ready? Yeah. OK, here we go. 77 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,120 What's happened? 78 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,760 It hardened. 79 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,240 What? Your skill's hardened? My skill's hardened. 80 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,800 So what...what is that? 81 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,760 What is that, Vic? 82 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,520 Ooh! Oh! 83 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,720 Oh, you dirty, horrible man! 84 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:27,760 Oh! 85 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,960 VOICEOVER: Jeremy Paxman presents his new album, 86 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,760 Summer Bitchin' Bongos. 87 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:41,240 I'm Jeremy Paxman. I'm fond of the news. 88 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:42,680 I present University Challenge. 89 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,480 I took it over from Bamber Gascoigne, 90 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,760 but my chief diversion, my main passion is to play the bongos. 91 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,160 I'd like to present to you an excerpt from my new LP, 92 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,760 Summer Bitchin' Bongos. 93 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,000 Includes... 94 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,440 HE ROARS 95 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,320 Summer Bitchin' Bongos - in shops now 96 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,600 on Reeves & Mortimer Records. 97 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,640 Well, ladies and gentlemen, 98 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:44,160 it's time for my community theatre progressive musical dance hub, 99 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:47,120 which I call Sauces For Cups. 100 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,120 Got to shorten it, shorten it a bit, tighten it up. 101 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:51,800 Get rid of the sauces. More snappy. 102 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,560 Which I call For Cups. 103 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,200 We've been rehearsing. 104 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,280 The rehearsals went really well, I thought. Yeah. 105 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,760 Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't make the final rehearsal. 106 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:04,080 Yeah, why was that? Where were you? 107 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:05,480 In the kitchen? 108 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,640 You couldn't have walked through to the lounge, no? 109 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,040 Well, if I say this to you. 110 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:13,360 Luxury ham omelette. 111 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:16,840 How does that sound? 112 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,720 I understand. Yeah. I understand. 113 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,360 So I could hear it through the wall. 114 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,240 Yeah, so... It sounded good. 115 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,480 Yeah, rehearsals have been going great. 116 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,720 And you've got your retro kind of... Yeah, got all this here. 117 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,600 Can I just say before we start, 118 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,280 before he starts, 119 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,320 that this is all Bob's thing? 120 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,240 I've nothing to do with this at all. 121 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,800 It's all Bob's idea, it's his passion. 122 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,920 My passion, yeah. He's cashed in his postal order. Yeah. 123 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,080 All the money he won 124 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,640 from the crossword puzzle in Good Housekeeing. 125 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,720 Good Housekeeping! 126 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,760 How much did you get for that? £50! 127 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,040 £50! Lumped it all in. 128 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,120 What I'm hoping to do tonight is to take you back to the 1980s. 129 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,080 You know that era of, like, synthesiser pop and all that. 130 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,920 Yeah. And you've got the rig, Vic? I've got the rig, yeah. 131 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,480 Do you want me to kick the style start-up, shall I? 132 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,960 IGNITION RATTLES, ENGINE PURRS 133 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:13,560 GEARS GRIND 134 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,520 Uh... Oh! There we are, I think, in gear. 135 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:17,760 That'll do. Yeah. 136 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,000 Right, we're ticking over nicely. Whenever you're... 137 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,320 What's this? Sorry? You're wearing the outfit, are you? 138 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,760 Yeah... Well... It's like Soft Cell. Oh, good! Yeah, yeah. 139 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,800 Communards, that kind of thing. 140 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,840 Right, and it's all programmed. All programmed, all ready to go. 141 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,000 Yeah. Good luck, lad. 142 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,000 OK. VIC LAUGHS 143 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,040 What? 144 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,440 What? 145 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,000 What? 146 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,760 What are we doing, On The Buses? 147 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,080 BELL RINGS, ON THE BUSES THEME PLAYS 148 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,160 No, we're not. It's... 149 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,080 I've already explained, Vic. Yeah. 150 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,320 We're doing 1980s synth-pop. Yeah, yeah. 151 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:53,720 Yeah? Imagine you're in an underground cellar in Berlin. 152 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:56,040 Summat like that. Yeah. On the way back to the bus depot. 153 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,600 OK, ladies and gentlemen... ACCENT: "I hate you, Butler!" 154 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,360 I'm sorry, just... No, you... Come on, Vic, please, please. 155 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,000 I'm looking... I promise, I'll love... 156 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,760 I really appreciate your support on this. 157 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,520 Honestly, you've got my full support. OK, so... 158 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:09,880 VIC LAUGHS 159 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,680 ..Soft Cell, 1980s synthesiser pop. 160 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,440 Right, I'm ready. Go on, strike it up. 161 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:19,360 SYNTH-POP PLAYS 162 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,680 AUDIENCE WHOOPS 163 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,320 AUDIENCE CLAPS TO THE BEAT 164 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:27,880 VIC LAUGHS 165 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,360 # Sunday morning, staying cool 166 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:36,200 # Listening to my radio 167 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,680 # Clothes and records on the floor 168 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,360 # Memories of the night before... # 169 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,280 ALARM BLARES 170 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:49,840 Hold on, hold on... 171 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,240 Hold on! VIC LAUGHS 172 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,680 "POWERING DOWN" TONE 173 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,520 What's that...? What's that you...? 174 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:56,680 Oh, don't! 175 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:01,040 What's that...? Are you representing...? 176 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,360 Are you representing some kind of toffee manufacturer? 177 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,600 What is it? I thought I'd just join in, 178 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,120 you know, and look like the other fella who plays the organ. 179 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,920 Can you take it off, please? Yeah. 180 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,360 Did you have the wrong gear or something on your machine? 181 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,960 Yeah, I might have... Yeah. Probably. 182 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,200 Sort it out, come on. 183 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:18,000 All right. Hang on. I've got to start up again first, haven't I? 184 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,200 IGNITION RATTLES, ENGINE PURRS There we go! 185 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,240 Are you ready, sir? Plenty of room on top. 186 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,800 GEARS GRIND 187 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,600 Do the...? 188 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,920 Do the buses go down Canal Street? Oh, yeah! 189 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,200 Please, help me out, will ya? Eh? 190 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,120 Help me out. VIC LAUGHS 191 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,680 Is it ticking over? Yeah. 192 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,520 Ready, OK. OK, ladies and gentlemen, 193 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,560 For Cups takes you back to the 1980s! 194 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,760 SYNTH-POP PLAYS 195 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,160 AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP 196 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,720 AUDIENCE CLAPS TO THE BEAT 197 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:54,880 # Sunday morning, laying low I missed... # 198 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,920 GEARS CRUNCH, ENGINE SPITS 199 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,200 ELECTRICITY BUZZES 200 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,600 You've ruined it again. AUDIENCE: Aw! 201 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:10,000 ELEPHANT BELLOWS, VIC LAUGHS 202 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,600 Well, I'm sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. 203 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,440 Bob seems to have gone off in one of his legendary huffs... 204 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,560 ..back to the depot, presumably. 205 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:22,080 But I am, of course, available 206 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:28,360 for funerals, to play for the punters there 207 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:29,720 on me organ. 208 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,320 So, I'll just leave you with this... 209 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,800 SYNTH-POP PLAYS, GEARS CRUNCH 210 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,880 ELEPHANT BELLOWS 211 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,760 All right? Who's there, then? 212 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,480 It's me, Spider-Man. You all right, Bats? 213 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,640 Aye, not so bad, like. 214 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,760 You can't complain, you know? 215 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:55,560 Hey, Spidey, I tell you what, if there was a competition 216 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:58,440 for saggy bollocks, I'd beat everyone. 217 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:00,320 Ha-ha! I heard that rumour. 218 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,800 Yeah. In fact, I'd wipe the floor with 'em. 219 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:06,480 Oh, I get it! 220 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,640 You'd wipe the floor with your bollocks. Aye! 221 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,840 Ha-ha-ha! Aye. 222 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,160 Hey, that's brilliant! 223 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:12,760 Oh! WEB LASHES 224 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,600 Hey, that's shifted it. Thanks, Bats. 225 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,800 Aye, that's what I'm here for. Oh-ho! 226 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,000 I'll see you, then. Aye, see ya. 227 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:28,840 Steve Avery presents his new album - Piccolos, Picnics & Parsnips. 228 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:31,720 Hi, I'm Steve Avery from, you know, Making A Murderer. 229 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:34,040 You may know me best for my numerous appeals 230 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,680 against conviction, you know? 231 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,040 It's kind of strange, isn't it? 232 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,520 It's just one of my hobbies. 233 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,680 My main passion is for playing the piccolo. 234 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:45,000 And this is my new album - Piccolos, Picnics & Parsnips. 235 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,000 I hope you enjoy it, y'all. It's kind of strange. 236 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,160 GENTLE PICCOLO MUSIC PLAYS 237 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,320 Includes... 238 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,720 Piccolos, Picnics & Parsnips. 239 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:24,240 In shops now on Reeves & Mortimer Records. 240 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,040 CHEERING 241 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,920 BOB YAWNS 242 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,840 So, Vic, what are you doing after church tomorrow? 243 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,720 Yeah. 244 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,360 No, I'm saying, what are you doing after church tomorrow? 245 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:43,600 Yeah! 246 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,240 Oh, hold on. Eh-up! 247 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:49,320 CHEERING 248 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:55,320 Sorry, mate, who are you? George Clooney, the actor. 249 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,680 George Clooney! Aye! 250 00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,080 How can we help you, mate, anyway? 251 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:00,800 I was just wondering what you were doing. 252 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,320 Are you...messing about, telling jokes? 253 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:05,720 Having a daft laugh? 254 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,200 Yeah, something like that. 255 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,880 Something like that, yeah. Yeah. 256 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,120 So we'd better crack on, anyway... Oh, yeah. 257 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,160 I've got this caravan near Redcar. 258 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,400 Um... I was wondering if you want to rent it for the summer, for the holidays, 259 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,840 you know, with the families. 260 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,560 Not me, mate. I don't know, I might be interested. 261 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:23,440 Well, I'll tell you what, you better hurry up, cos Dave Coverdale... 262 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,240 From Whitesnake. Whitesnake. Yeah. 263 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,960 ..he's pencilled it in for six weeks. 264 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,160 Has he? 265 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:29,320 Six weeks?! Oh, yeah. 266 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:31,240 Have you got a picture? Yeah, course, yeah. 267 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:32,640 Let's have a look. 268 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,560 That's David Coverdale from White... Yeah. 269 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,400 Have you got a picture of the caravan? Yeah. 270 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,160 Don't want to look at him! Oh, sorry, yeah. 271 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,400 Want to have a look at the caravan. Here, look at that. 272 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,120 There's a cooling tower, and that's... An area of scrubland. 273 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,640 Scrubland. Is that a shopping trolley there? 274 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,520 Is that, like, a petrol outlet or something? 275 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,040 No, it's ICI Wilton... 276 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:51,480 That's it, yeah, yeah. 277 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,360 No, not for me, mate. Thanks anyway, though. 278 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,760 Um... I think I'll leave it. 279 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:57,120 Your loss. 280 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,640 Thanks, anyway. 281 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,600 But thank you. Thank you. 282 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,360 I'd have to say that... I'd have to say, 283 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,760 actually, in the flesh, 284 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,880 he's more beautiful than from the photos, ain't he? Decent look, yeah. 285 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,320 He's really gorgeous! Gorgeous, ain't he? Ain't he? 286 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,280 So, anyway, Vic, I'm kind of peckish. 287 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,680 You haven't brought anything, have you? I'm peckish as... 288 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,360 Yes, I have, actually. Oh, lovely. 289 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,720 Now, have a look at this. Mashed potato. 290 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:23,000 Oh, it looks nice. 291 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,280 It is nice, but there's a little bit of surprise in there. Ooh, right. 292 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,600 What's the surprise that's in there, Vic? 293 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,160 Tiny little nitroglycerin balls 294 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,800 that give you a proper kick. Bang! 295 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,280 Yeah, bang! It is, actually. Wow. But it's so much fun. 296 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:40,640 I bet it is, I can't wait. Yeah. 297 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,160 Tuck in! Nitroglycerin. 298 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,720 Yeah. Come on. 299 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,040 Lovely! 300 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,440 DULL BOOMING 301 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,200 LOUDER BOOM 302 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,800 BOOM! 303 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,640 BOOM! 304 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,720 BOOM! 305 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,640 BANG! 306 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,080 BANG! 307 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,000 CHEERING 308 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,600 So, we're here in a social club 309 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,440 that was very famous during the 1980s, into the 1990s. 310 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,760 With all the pop singers, who used to come here to discuss 311 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,000 their rings and high heels and conquests, and so forth. 312 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,400 Yeah, and some of the, um... 313 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,640 The ghosts of some of these celebrities are rumoured 314 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,320 to actually visit the social club. Yeah. 315 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,000 Like, for old times' sake kind of thing. 316 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,040 To get together for a ghostly get-together. 317 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:50,360 Yeah, so, for example, um, Engelbert Humperdinck. Or the Dink. 318 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,680 Um, Showaddywaddy. The Wadds. 319 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,440 The two "Wham!". Two "Wham!". 320 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,800 Um... Um... Not sure of... 321 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,920 Is that The Krankies? The Krankies maybe. 322 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,200 Um, and another photo... Dunno, some others. 323 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,360 All very big stars in their day, you know... All the big ones! 324 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,920 And it's said that they do come back here to try and relive the good day. 325 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,200 Oh, eh? Did you feel that? 326 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,640 Don't... No, honestly, on the back of me neck, 327 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,640 it felt like a... HE WHINNIES 328 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:18,040 Like a warm breath, like a warm-evening horse breath. 329 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:21,800 Wow. Like when a horse comes up and breathes on your neck. Do you promise me? 330 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,840 HE WHINNIES 331 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,120 Wow, that's a very early evening horse. That's almost 332 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:30,720 your sundown, I think. Yeah. You're not shitting me? You promise? 333 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,880 I promise you, that's what happened then. Oh! Did you get it? 334 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:35,520 Oh! 335 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:39,080 No, it's this ice-cold breath - whoosh - across the back of my neck. 336 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,560 I promise you, like someone passed by. 337 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,760 Like that. Not a horse. No, not like a horse. 338 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,880 Like a clothes horse. No, like a reindeer. 339 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,400 That a colt. 340 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:52,680 What pop stars would ride a reindeer? 341 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,280 Pet Shop Boys. They're not dead. 342 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,000 Pot-a-a-ato! 343 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,320 Potato! What? Pot-a-ato! 344 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,200 It was potato. Did you hear it? 345 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,160 Was it you? It wasn't me. 346 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,360 It sounded like potato. Whoever is there, 347 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,560 I just wondered, could you... Could you contact us again? 348 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,960 Pot-a-a-ato! 349 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,680 Whoever it is needs a potato. Have you got potato on you? 350 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,520 Of course I've got a potato, but that's for our tea, isn't it? 351 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,480 I know it's for our tea, but offer it to the inspector. 352 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,640 Inspector, we have a potato for you. 353 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:22,680 Go on. 354 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,320 Agh! 355 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,720 What the hell is that thing?! 356 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,520 Whoa! Whoa! 357 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:38,080 Take a moment. Take a fucking moment! 358 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:45,160 That spectre has just taken that potato as a kind of 359 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,720 gift offering. I know. That is... 360 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,440 What was that?! 361 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,400 What the fuck was that?! 362 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,480 The lights went out. I don't like it, Vic. I really don't like it. 363 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,240 Right. It's back on. What happened then? 364 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,320 Oh. 365 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:02,120 Somebody tried to pull my shit out. 366 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,160 It's so confusing. 367 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:05,800 Pot-a-a-ato! 368 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,840 I don't think that was potato. What was it? 369 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,520 I think he said, like, day-o. 370 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,160 Why would anyone say that? 371 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,360 Oh, my God. 372 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:19,480 You know who it is? Freddie fucking Mercury. 373 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,120 It's Freddie Mercury. It's Freddie Mercury here. 374 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:23,560 Calm down. It's got to be potato. 375 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,360 Let's make contact. 376 00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,880 I'm going to ask the question I've always wanted to ask him. 377 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,560 Do it. Stand there. 378 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,440 Freddie, we all know you for wearing those lovely white vests, 379 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:40,760 but did you buy them singularly or in a multipack? 380 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,960 One potato for single, two potatoes for multipack. 381 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,520 Pot-a-ato! 382 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,960 Pot-a-a-ato! 383 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,040 Multipack. Who said that? 384 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:55,040 Didn't I always say that? Bit of a tight arse, isn't he? 385 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:58,120 Multipacks. I wonder where he got them from. 386 00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,640 A-A-sda. 387 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,520 Asda! Asda! 388 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,560 I told you he'd get... Vic. Vic! Vic! 389 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,960 Vic, look, look, look, look! 390 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,880 What the BLEEP is that? 391 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,920 SCREAMING 392 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,960 You bastard! 393 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,960 Get out of here! 394 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,360 No, Vic, it's staff only! No! BLEEP. 395 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,160 BLEEP... 396 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:30,680 THUNDER RUMBLES 397 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:36,120 A solitary monk slips on discarded urine samples on the cobbled streets 398 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:41,840 of Whitechapel. Naughty people on horseback shout hurtful sentences 399 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:47,520 at widows. The stench of mock Tudor beams permeates 400 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,160 the winky-wanky streets. 401 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,960 Fat globules form on windows, 402 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:57,640 wet things drip and dry things crack. 403 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:01,760 Those were the days, my friends, and we intend to recreate them now 404 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,640 as we play That's Justice. 405 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:13,720 Wahey! 406 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,640 Oyez, oyez, oyez! 407 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:32,400 Let any person who has any manner of business before the trusted court 408 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,800 of Judge Nutmeg gather forth and give me your attention. 409 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,840 # Boiled onions for about a year. # 410 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,200 VIC AND BOB: What do we want? AUDIENCE: Justice! 411 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,320 What are the charges? AUDIENCE: Trumped up! 412 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,680 BOTH: Trumped right up! 413 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,360 You bet. Nice to see you, Vic. 414 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:51,720 Nice to see you. 415 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,160 So, any decent crimes and punishments this week? 416 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,360 So many, Vic, so many. I had a bloke punched a kestrel on a frigate. 417 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,120 Terrible business. Terrible. 418 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,840 There's crime everywhere, though, isn't there? Isn't there just? 419 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,200 But what do we want? We want a contestant, Vic. 420 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,400 We want a contestant. Bring me a contestant! 421 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,760 A contestant, OK, here we go. Let's have a look. 422 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,840 # I've never felt this way 423 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,800 # I've never felt this good before 424 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,680 # Making love near a box of Alpen. # 425 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,960 Who shall I select, then? Bring me one! Him. Him. 426 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,840 CHEERING 427 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,840 Oh, my God! 428 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,640 There he is. Oh, my God, he's a terrible man. 429 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,160 BOTH: Terrible man, terrible, terrible, terrible man. 430 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,000 Make no mistaking. What's your name, love? 431 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,520 Simon. Simon. 432 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,200 Simon, Simon, Simon. When you were born, they said, 433 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,240 MONSTROUSLY: "It will never live." 434 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:06,040 But look at you know - the gills have healed up, 435 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:09,000 no sign of a dorsal fin. There is a bit of a blowhole there, 436 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,200 but it's corked up. Well done. 437 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,160 But what's this under here? 438 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,760 A tiny sandwich. 439 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,240 A tiny cheese and tomato sandwich. 440 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:27,000 The crime of hiding a tiny sandwich in your undergrowth, 441 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,840 for a start, is a heinous crime. 442 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,720 Yeah, but let's find out the reality here, Vic. Shall we? 443 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:38,960 Because I have a new system - it's facial recognition. 444 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,680 Kind of like AI, in't it? 445 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,960 Stare deeply into my machine and we will access 446 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,480 the criminal record. 447 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:51,440 That's a problem that will blow over. Somehow. 448 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,800 Stare into it, Simon. 449 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,240 It's got ya. It's got him! 450 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,400 It's got him and it doesn't like him. 451 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,440 No crimes, did he say? 452 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:04,880 Yeah, no crimes at all. 453 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:05,960 Look at it! 454 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,200 Will you look at it?! Look at it, Simon! 455 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:11,200 This is what I have to deal with! 456 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960 What's he... What's he been doing? 457 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,120 Oh, my word. Oh, no. Not again. 458 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:18,680 Oh, my God. 459 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,800 And there's more. 460 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,360 And there's more. What's he done? 461 00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,040 He's fucked my machine! 462 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,920 That's what he's done! 463 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,360 He's broken my machine. That's what he's done. 464 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:41,120 You fannied about in a chutney factory 465 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:44,640 and blocked up the vinegar outlet 466 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,680 with Gary Barlow's bobble hat! 467 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,120 You did what?! 468 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:52,160 These people sicken me! They sicken me. 469 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,160 Why do you think I drink?! 470 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,800 Get off me fucking drink! 471 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,280 What? 472 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,520 Right. 473 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,480 Bring on the wheel of justice, please. 474 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:11,920 CHEERING 475 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,920 You've only yourself to blame, Simon. You're in for it now, Simon. 476 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,480 The wheel of justice has arrived. 477 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,640 What do we do when we see the wheel of justice? 478 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,640 AUDIENCE: Comb its hair! Comb its hair! 479 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,760 # Comb its hair gently, gently 480 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,320 # Not too tight. # 481 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,800 There we are, some of the punishments on the wheel of justice 482 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,800 that you can expect to receive should you be found guilty. 483 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,400 What have we got on here? 484 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,200 Haitian Caribbean zombie voodoo shit. 485 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:39,960 Wetherspoons. 486 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,520 Oooh! 487 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,760 Get your Gilbert Sullivaned. 488 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,040 Saga holiday in Romania or Lithuania, it's up to you. 489 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,520 One week helping Dwayne Johnson at his toilet. 490 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,960 Make of that what you will. 491 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,440 Anyway... Make him spin it, Vic. 492 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,240 Simon, I want you to spin the wheel of justice. 493 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,480 Go! Go on, Simon. 494 00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:01,360 # Spin, spin, spin the wheel of justice 495 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,840 # See how fast the bastard turns. # 496 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,160 Where's it going to end up, Simon? 497 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:09,840 It's ending up on... 498 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:13,360 ..accept the forces of evil. 499 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:16,360 Evil! 500 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:18,880 And you deserve this, Simon. 501 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,200 Relatively simple. 502 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,920 Can you take the forces of evil 503 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,160 and reject them by keeping the blue tit on your head? 504 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:34,480 Simon, are you ready to face the forces of evil? 505 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:43,760 SHRIEKING 506 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,600 He faced them and he rejected them. 507 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:48,840 Release him! It's a sign! 508 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,760 APPLAUSE 509 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,080 The tit was entwined! 510 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:57,920 Simon! Simon, you're a free man, 511 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:02,680 and go with this kitchen roll with a Mars bar attached. 512 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,440 Return to your captor. Go and breathe! 513 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:09,920 Breathe again with your family and friends! 514 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,720 You got away with it this time, Simon, but not next. 515 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,880 Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's justice! 516 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:21,280 CHEERING 517 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,400 # Tiny noses 518 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:41,000 # Like two mouses' buttocks 519 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,800 # Tiny noses 520 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,640 # Extend when we cry 521 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:58,280 # That's when we know we'll survive and stay alive 522 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:05,000 # That's when we know we'll survive. # 523 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,800 Well, ladies and gentlemen, 524 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:22,320 ladies and gentlemen, that appears to be the conclusion 525 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:23,800 of this mystery. 526 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:26,720 We never found out who the victim was... Oh. 527 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,920 Oh. Oh! 528 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,120 Oh, Vic, I've fallen. 529 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:34,320 Yeah, no, I have. Did you trip over a portion of Crunchie? 530 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,040 Maybe that's some sort of seepage, but I'm down. 531 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:38,280 Yeah. Do you know what I mean? 532 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,600 I could see what happened. It's pretty bad, actually. 533 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,800 Yeah, it is bad. Gastric band - boing! 534 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:46,360 Last seen bouncing down Whitehall. 535 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,960 Yeah, me tits have become chaotic. 536 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:50,520 One crossed over the other, 537 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,040 your arse went over your elbow at some point. 538 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:54,400 At some point, just for a second. 539 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,360 Your rectum's off the spectrum. 540 00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:00,200 And of course... Your Dougal's started to leak. 541 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:02,240 Me Dougal's leaking. 542 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,840 I'm just going to have to....carry on. 543 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:07,320 Well, we can get over it. Come on. 544 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:10,280 Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show. 545 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,120 So we're going to sing our song. 546 00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:14,840 But if it's not your cup of tea, 547 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,040 Vaun's over there. 548 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,720 CHEERING 549 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,280 He's going to be looking... 550 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:26,800 He's going to be looking gorgeous, a bit like... Zac Efron. 551 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,880 Zac Efron. Looking at his watch. 552 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:33,120 Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen! Goodnight! And thank you! 553 00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:43,480 # You can do it if you really want 554 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:47,040 # You can do it if you really want, hey! 555 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,480 # You can do it if you really want What's that? 556 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:53,960 # You can do it if you really want 557 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:57,600 # Go to town in a tiny taxi 558 00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,840 # Do a slaver on an apple pie, hey! 559 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:04,280 # Canal holiday with Richard Madeley 560 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,840 # And tell him that you want his baby 561 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,280 # You can do it if you really want 562 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,920 # You can do it if you really want Do you want to? 563 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,440 # You can do it if you really want 564 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:21,200 # You can do it if you really want, come on! # 565 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,960 Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen! 566 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,240 CHEERING 567 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:35,320 Beautiful! Just beautiful!