This programme contains some strong language.
'80S SYNTH-POP PLAYS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BOB: Ladies and gentlemen.
VIC: Welcome to Vic & Bob's Big Night Out.
Fact!
# What are you queuing for?
# The bus
# Where are you going to?
# Portsmouth
# How much were the tickets?
# £10
# What you gonna buy there?
# Pork chops! #
LAUGHTER
# ..How long will you stay there?
# Three hours
# Will you have your lunch there?
# Yeah, salad
# What kind of salad?
# Egg
# Have a nice day then
# Thank you. #
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Good evening!
Hey, hearing mention of Portsmouth, I was in Portsmouth last year.
I went for a vasectomy.
Oh? Yeah.
Yeah, because I didn't want to have kids any more.
Mmm. Didn't work. When I got home, the kids were still there.
BELL TOLLS
Hey-hey, a celebration!
Yeah!
Go on, have a go on yours, son.
Can I? Yeah. Think I should? Give it a pull.
BIKE BELL TINKLES
Ooh!
BOB GUFFAWS
You made that happen, didn't you?
No, I never. I knew nothing about it. Nowt to do with me, mate.
Do you know what? What?
When I was younger,
I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body.
Oh, right. Interesting.
And then I was born.
Wow! Wow!
Shit!
BELL TOLLS
Shit!
Is that a skill you've got?
Yeah, I've got skills, yeah. Wow!
Yeah, calm down.
Have you ever...
Have you ever thought of getting
in touch with Dr, erm, Dr Xander... X-Men!
Dr Xantax from the X-Men?
From the X-Men! I went to the X-Men school.
You never. Yeah.
Really? Yeah, course I did, yeah.
Blimey. So who else was there when you were?
Wolverine. He was there.
Do you not remember - you know Wolverine? I think so, yeah.
You know, he's like a doggy sort of fella. He's got cutlery for fingers.
You know? Glove.
You know, like kitchen knives.
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: You know, cos that's what they are.
Slice, slice.
Do you want white sliced bread?
No worries!
BELL TOLLS
BIKE BELL TINKLES
Ooh!
Vic, would you show us that skill just once more, please?
Just one more. Just one more - for you.
Thank you. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to watch the end of it.
Are you ready? Yeah. OK, here we go.
What's happened?
It hardened.
What? Your skill's hardened? My skill's hardened.
So what...what is that?
What is that, Vic?
Ooh! Oh!
Oh, you dirty, horrible man!
Oh!
VOICEOVER: Jeremy Paxman presents his new album,
Summer Bitchin' Bongos.
I'm Jeremy Paxman. I'm fond of the news.
I present University Challenge.
I took it over from Bamber Gascoigne,
but my chief diversion, my main passion is to play the bongos.
I'd like to present to you an excerpt from my new LP,
Summer Bitchin' Bongos.
Includes...
HE ROARS
Summer Bitchin' Bongos - in shops now
on Reeves & Mortimer Records.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for my community theatre progressive musical dance hub,
which I call Sauces For Cups.
Got to shorten it, shorten it a bit, tighten it up.
Get rid of the sauces. More snappy.
Which I call For Cups.
We've been rehearsing.
The rehearsals went really well, I thought. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't make the final rehearsal.
Yeah, why was that? Where were you?
In the kitchen?
You couldn't have walked through to the lounge, no?
Well, if I say this to you.
Luxury ham omelette.
How does that sound?
I understand. Yeah. I understand.
So I could hear it through the wall.
Yeah, so... It sounded good.
Yeah, rehearsals have been going great.
And you've got your retro kind of... Yeah, got all this here.
Can I just say before we start,
before he starts,
that this is all Bob's thing?
I've nothing to do with this at all.
It's all Bob's idea, it's his passion.
My passion, yeah. He's cashed in his postal order. Yeah.
All the money he won
from the crossword puzzle in Good Housekeeing.
Good Housekeeping!
How much did you get for that? £50!
£50! Lumped it all in.
What I'm hoping to do tonight is to take you back to the 1980s.
You know that era of, like, synthesiser pop and all that.
Yeah. And you've got the rig, Vic? I've got the rig, yeah.
Do you want me to kick the style start-up, shall I?
IGNITION RATTLES, ENGINE PURRS
GEARS GRIND
Uh... Oh! There we are, I think, in gear.
That'll do. Yeah.
Right, we're ticking over nicely. Whenever you're...
What's this? Sorry? You're wearing the outfit, are you?
Yeah... Well... It's like Soft Cell. Oh, good! Yeah, yeah.
Communards, that kind of thing.
Right, and it's all programmed. All programmed, all ready to go.
Yeah. Good luck, lad.
OK. VIC LAUGHS
What?
What are we doing, On The Buses?
BELL RINGS, ON THE BUSES THEME PLAYS
No, we're not. It's...
I've already explained, Vic. Yeah.
We're doing 1980s synth-pop. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah? Imagine you're in an underground cellar in Berlin.
Summat like that. Yeah. On the way back to the bus depot.
OK, ladies and gentlemen... ACCENT: "I hate you, Butler!"
I'm sorry, just... No, you... Come on, Vic, please, please.
I'm looking... I promise, I'll love...
I really appreciate your support on this.
Honestly, you've got my full support. OK, so...
VIC LAUGHS
..Soft Cell, 1980s synthesiser pop.
Right, I'm ready. Go on, strike it up.
SYNTH-POP PLAYS
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
AUDIENCE CLAPS TO THE BEAT
VIC LAUGHS
# Sunday morning, staying cool
# Listening to my radio
# Clothes and records on the floor
# Memories of the night before... #
ALARM BLARES
Hold on, hold on...
Hold on! VIC LAUGHS
"POWERING DOWN" TONE
What's that...? What's that you...?
Oh, don't!
What's that...? Are you representing...?
Are you representing some kind of toffee manufacturer?
What is it? I thought I'd just join in,
you know, and look like the other fella who plays the organ.
Can you take it off, please? Yeah.
Did you have the wrong gear or something on your machine?
Yeah, I might have... Yeah. Probably.
Sort it out, come on.
All right. Hang on. I've got to start up again first, haven't I?
IGNITION RATTLES, ENGINE PURRS There we go!
Are you ready, sir? Plenty of room on top.
GEARS GRIND
Do the...?
Do the buses go down Canal Street? Oh, yeah!
Please, help me out, will ya? Eh?
Help me out. VIC LAUGHS
Is it ticking over? Yeah.
Ready, OK. OK, ladies and gentlemen,
For Cups takes you back to the 1980s!
SYNTH-POP PLAYS
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP
AUDIENCE CLAPS TO THE BEAT
# Sunday morning, laying low I missed... #
GEARS CRUNCH, ENGINE SPITS
ELECTRICITY BUZZES
You've ruined it again. AUDIENCE: Aw!
ELEPHANT BELLOWS, VIC LAUGHS
Well, I'm sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
Bob seems to have gone off in one of his legendary huffs...
..back to the depot, presumably.
But I am, of course, available
for funerals, to play for the punters there
on me organ.
So, I'll just leave you with this...
SYNTH-POP PLAYS, GEARS CRUNCH
ELEPHANT BELLOWS
All right? Who's there, then?
It's me, Spider-Man. You all right, Bats?
Aye, not so bad, like.
You can't complain, you know?
Hey, Spidey, I tell you what, if there was a competition
for saggy bollocks, I'd beat everyone.
Ha-ha! I heard that rumour.
Yeah. In fact, I'd wipe the floor with 'em.
Oh, I get it!
You'd wipe the floor with your bollocks. Aye!
Ha-ha-ha! Aye.
Hey, that's brilliant!
Oh! WEB LASHES
Hey, that's shifted it. Thanks, Bats.
Aye, that's what I'm here for. Oh-ho!
I'll see you, then. Aye, see ya.
Steve Avery presents his new album - Piccolos, Picnics & Parsnips.
Hi, I'm Steve Avery from, you know, Making A Murderer.
You may know me best for my numerous appeals
against conviction, you know?
It's kind of strange, isn't it?
It's just one of my hobbies.
My main passion is for playing the piccolo.
And this is my new album - Piccolos, Picnics & Parsnips.
I hope you enjoy it, y'all. It's kind of strange.
GENTLE PICCOLO MUSIC PLAYS
Includes...
Piccolos, Picnics & Parsnips.
In shops now on Reeves & Mortimer Records.
CHEERING
BOB YAWNS
So, Vic, what are you doing after church tomorrow?
Yeah.
No, I'm saying, what are you doing after church tomorrow?
Yeah!
Oh, hold on. Eh-up!
CHEERING
Sorry, mate, who are you? George Clooney, the actor.
George Clooney! Aye!
How can we help you, mate, anyway?
I was just wondering what you were doing.
Are you...messing about, telling jokes?
Having a daft laugh?
Yeah, something like that.
Something like that, yeah. Yeah.
So we'd better crack on, anyway... Oh, yeah.
I've got this caravan near Redcar.
Um... I was wondering if you want to rent it for the summer, for the holidays,
you know, with the families.
Not me, mate. I don't know, I might be interested.
Well, I'll tell you what, you better hurry up, cos Dave Coverdale...
From Whitesnake. Whitesnake. Yeah.
..he's pencilled it in for six weeks.
Has he?
Six weeks?! Oh, yeah.
Have you got a picture? Yeah, course, yeah.
Let's have a look.
That's David Coverdale from White... Yeah.
Have you got a picture of the caravan? Yeah.
Don't want to look at him! Oh, sorry, yeah.
Want to have a look at the caravan. Here, look at that.
There's a cooling tower, and that's... An area of scrubland.
Scrubland. Is that a shopping trolley there?
Is that, like, a petrol outlet or something?
No, it's ICI Wilton...
That's it, yeah, yeah.
No, not for me, mate. Thanks anyway, though.
Um... I think I'll leave it.
Your loss.
Thanks, anyway.
But thank you. Thank you.
I'd have to say that... I'd have to say,
actually, in the flesh,
he's more beautiful than from the photos, ain't he? Decent look, yeah.
He's really gorgeous! Gorgeous, ain't he? Ain't he?
So, anyway, Vic, I'm kind of peckish.
You haven't brought anything, have you? I'm peckish as...
Yes, I have, actually. Oh, lovely.
Now, have a look at this. Mashed potato.
Oh, it looks nice.
It is nice, but there's a little bit of surprise in there. Ooh, right.
What's the surprise that's in there, Vic?
Tiny little nitroglycerin balls
that give you a proper kick. Bang!
Yeah, bang! It is, actually. Wow. But it's so much fun.
I bet it is, I can't wait. Yeah.
Tuck in! Nitroglycerin.
Yeah. Come on.
Lovely!
DULL BOOMING
LOUDER BOOM
BOOM!
BANG!
CHEERING
So, we're here in a social club
that was very famous during the 1980s, into the 1990s.
With all the pop singers, who used to come here to discuss
their rings and high heels and conquests, and so forth.
Yeah, and some of the, um...
The ghosts of some of these celebrities are rumoured
to actually visit the social club. Yeah.
Like, for old times' sake kind of thing.
To get together for a ghostly get-together.
Yeah, so, for example, um, Engelbert Humperdinck. Or the Dink.
Um, Showaddywaddy. The Wadds.
The two "Wham!". Two "Wham!".
Um... Um... Not sure of...
Is that The Krankies? The Krankies maybe.
Um, and another photo... Dunno, some others.
All very big stars in their day, you know... All the big ones!
And it's said that they do come back here to try and relive the good day.
Oh, eh? Did you feel that?
Don't... No, honestly, on the back of me neck,
it felt like a... HE WHINNIES
Like a warm breath, like a warm-evening horse breath.
Wow. Like when a horse comes up and breathes on your neck. Do you promise me?
HE WHINNIES
Wow, that's a very early evening horse. That's almost
your sundown, I think. Yeah. You're not shitting me? You promise?
I promise you, that's what happened then. Oh! Did you get it?
Oh!
No, it's this ice-cold breath - whoosh - across the back of my neck.
I promise you, like someone passed by.
Like that. Not a horse. No, not like a horse.
Like a clothes horse. No, like a reindeer.
That a colt.
What pop stars would ride a reindeer?
Pet Shop Boys. They're not dead.
Pot-a-a-ato!
Potato! What? Pot-a-ato!
It was potato. Did you hear it?
Was it you? It wasn't me.
It sounded like potato. Whoever is there,
I just wondered, could you... Could you contact us again?
Pot-a-a-ato!
Whoever it is needs a potato. Have you got potato on you?
Of course I've got a potato, but that's for our tea, isn't it?
I know it's for our tea, but offer it to the inspector.
Inspector, we have a potato for you.
Go on.
Agh!
What the hell is that thing?!
Whoa! Whoa!
Take a moment. Take a fucking moment!
That spectre has just taken that potato as a kind of
gift offering. I know. That is...
What was that?!
What the fuck was that?!
The lights went out. I don't like it, Vic. I really don't like it.
Right. It's back on. What happened then?
Oh.
Somebody tried to pull my shit out.
It's so confusing.
Pot-a-a-ato!
I don't think that was potato. What was it?
I think he said, like, day-o.
Why would anyone say that?
Oh, my God.
You know who it is? Freddie fucking Mercury.
It's Freddie Mercury. It's Freddie Mercury here.
Calm down. It's got to be potato.
Let's make contact.
I'm going to ask the question I've always wanted to ask him.
Do it. Stand there.
Freddie, we all know you for wearing those lovely white vests,
but did you buy them singularly or in a multipack?
One potato for single, two potatoes for multipack.
Pot-a-ato!
Pot-a-a-ato!
Multipack. Who said that?
Didn't I always say that? Bit of a tight arse, isn't he?
Multipacks. I wonder where he got them from.
A-A-sda.
Asda! Asda!
I told you he'd get... Vic. Vic! Vic!
Vic, look, look, look, look!
What the BLEEP is that?
SCREAMING
You bastard!
Get out of here!
No, Vic, it's staff only! No! BLEEP.
BLEEP...
THUNDER RUMBLES
A solitary monk slips on discarded urine samples on the cobbled streets
of Whitechapel. Naughty people on horseback shout hurtful sentences
at widows. The stench of mock Tudor beams permeates
the winky-wanky streets.
Fat globules form on windows,
wet things drip and dry things crack.
Those were the days, my friends, and we intend to recreate them now
as we play That's Justice.
Wahey!
Oyez, oyez, oyez!
Let any person who has any manner of business before the trusted court
of Judge Nutmeg gather forth and give me your attention.
# Boiled onions for about a year. #
VIC AND BOB: What do we want? AUDIENCE: Justice!
What are the charges? AUDIENCE: Trumped up!
BOTH: Trumped right up!
You bet. Nice to see you, Vic.
Nice to see you.
So, any decent crimes and punishments this week?
So many, Vic, so many. I had a bloke punched a kestrel on a frigate.
Terrible business. Terrible.
There's crime everywhere, though, isn't there? Isn't there just?
But what do we want? We want a contestant, Vic.
We want a contestant. Bring me a contestant!
A contestant, OK, here we go. Let's have a look.
# I've never felt this way
# I've never felt this good before
# Making love near a box of Alpen. #
Who shall I select, then? Bring me one! Him. Him.
CHEERING
Oh, my God!
There he is. Oh, my God, he's a terrible man.
BOTH: Terrible man, terrible, terrible, terrible man.
Make no mistaking. What's your name, love?
Simon. Simon.
Simon, Simon, Simon. When you were born, they said,
MONSTROUSLY: "It will never live."
But look at you know - the gills have healed up,
no sign of a dorsal fin. There is a bit of a blowhole there,
but it's corked up. Well done.
But what's this under here?
A tiny sandwich.
A tiny cheese and tomato sandwich.
The crime of hiding a tiny sandwich in your undergrowth,
for a start, is a heinous crime.
Yeah, but let's find out the reality here, Vic. Shall we?
Because I have a new system - it's facial recognition.
Kind of like AI, in't it?
Stare deeply into my machine and we will access
the criminal record.
That's a problem that will blow over. Somehow.
Stare into it, Simon.
It's got ya. It's got him!
It's got him and it doesn't like him.
No crimes, did he say?
Yeah, no crimes at all.
Look at it!
Will you look at it?! Look at it, Simon!
This is what I have to deal with!
What's he... What's he been doing?
Oh, my word. Oh, no. Not again.
Oh, my God.
And there's more.
And there's more. What's he done?
He's fucked my machine!
That's what he's done!
He's broken my machine. That's what he's done.
You fannied about in a chutney factory
and blocked up the vinegar outlet
with Gary Barlow's bobble hat!
You did what?!
These people sicken me! They sicken me.
Why do you think I drink?!
Get off me fucking drink!
What?
Right.
Bring on the wheel of justice, please.
CHEERING
You've only yourself to blame, Simon. You're in for it now, Simon.
The wheel of justice has arrived.
What do we do when we see the wheel of justice?
AUDIENCE: Comb its hair! Comb its hair!
# Comb its hair gently, gently
# Not too tight. #
There we are, some of the punishments on the wheel of justice
that you can expect to receive should you be found guilty.
What have we got on here?
Haitian Caribbean zombie voodoo shit.
Wetherspoons.
Oooh!
Get your Gilbert Sullivaned.
Saga holiday in Romania or Lithuania, it's up to you.
One week helping Dwayne Johnson at his toilet.
Make of that what you will.
Anyway... Make him spin it, Vic.
Simon, I want you to spin the wheel of justice.
Go! Go on, Simon.
# Spin, spin, spin the wheel of justice
# See how fast the bastard turns. #
Where's it going to end up, Simon?
It's ending up on...
..accept the forces of evil.
Evil!
And you deserve this, Simon.
Relatively simple.
Can you take the forces of evil
and reject them by keeping the blue tit on your head?
Simon, are you ready to face the forces of evil?
SHRIEKING
He faced them and he rejected them.
Release him! It's a sign!
APPLAUSE
The tit was entwined!
Simon! Simon, you're a free man,
and go with this kitchen roll with a Mars bar attached.
Return to your captor. Go and breathe!
Breathe again with your family and friends!
You got away with it this time, Simon, but not next.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's justice!
CHEERING
# Tiny noses
# Like two mouses' buttocks
# Tiny noses
# Extend when we cry
# That's when we know we'll survive and stay alive
# That's when we know we'll survive. #
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen, that appears to be the conclusion
of this mystery.
We never found out who the victim was... Oh.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, Vic, I've fallen.
Yeah, no, I have. Did you trip over a portion of Crunchie?
Maybe that's some sort of seepage, but I'm down.
Yeah. Do you know what I mean?
I could see what happened. It's pretty bad, actually.
Yeah, it is bad. Gastric band - boing!
Last seen bouncing down Whitehall.
Yeah, me tits have become chaotic.
One crossed over the other,
your arse went over your elbow at some point.
At some point, just for a second.
Your rectum's off the spectrum.
And of course... Your Dougal's started to leak.
Me Dougal's leaking.
I'm just going to have to....carry on.
Well, we can get over it. Come on.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.
So we're going to sing our song.
But if it's not your cup of tea,
Vaun's over there.
CHEERING
He's going to be looking...
He's going to be looking gorgeous, a bit like... Zac Efron.
Zac Efron. Looking at his watch.
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen! Goodnight! And thank you!
# You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want, hey!
# You can do it if you really want What's that?
# You can do it if you really want
# Go to town in a tiny taxi
# Do a slaver on an apple pie, hey!
# Canal holiday with Richard Madeley
# And tell him that you want his baby
# You can do it if you really want
Do you want to?
# You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want, come on! #
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen!
CHEERING
Beautiful! Just beautiful!