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This programme contains
some strong language
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Vic and Bob's Big Night Out.
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Fact.
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# Do you remember the day that
the Rolling Stones went into battle
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# On the sea monsters
Sea monsters?
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# What did Mick use?
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# A machine gun
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# What did Keith use?
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# A machine gun
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# Do you remember the day
they went to war
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# On that sea monsters
Sea monsters
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# Sea monsters, sea monsters?
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# Do you remember?
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No.
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# Do you remember?
No.
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# Do YOU remember?
No.
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# Do you remember?
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No!
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# Well, we remember the terrible day
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# And a haunting sound
of their machine guns
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# Machine guns, machine guns
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# Machine guns, machine guns... #
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DRONING NOISE
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DRONING NOISE
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DRONING NOISE
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DRONING NOISE
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DRONING NOISE
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DRONING NOISE
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LAUGHTER
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DRONING NOISE
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Hey-hey!
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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
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Welcome to the Big Night Out.
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I didn't think the boys and girls
were very convinced,
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you know, by our story of
the Rolling Stones
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and their battle on the...
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# Sea Monsters
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# With their machine guns. #
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Yeah. I mean, I'm convinced it
happened. Well, I'm convinced.
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But was it a conspiracy?
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I mean, was it? A conspiracy theory?
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Was it a conspiracy?
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I mean, was it?
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I mean, like, JFK...
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Is that REALLY an airport?!
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LAUGHTER
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Or 7-Eleven!
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Are they really fully staffed
at 11 o'clock at night?
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Really? Bah!
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Your hair. My hair.
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Is it really there?
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Nobody knows. Oh, Vic...
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..I need to tell you.
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There was a kidnapping
at my son's school this week.
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No! Yeah! Really?
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Oh, it's OK, though.
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He woke up eventually.
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HORN TOOTS
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Bah!
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You know? I felt like I was in
the front row at an Oasis concert.
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Yeah.
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Really. I'm not kidding either.
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Hey, Bob.
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Have you seen my stepladder?
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That's very nice.
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It is nice, isn't it, Bob?
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I never knew me real ladder.
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I never met him.
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I don't know where he lives.
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Who knows where he lives?
He could be a Scottish,
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it could be a Bristol,
could be a Rome.
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So, I know you're upset but...
You don't care, do you?
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..I think you mean a Venice.
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It doesn't matter.
You don't care.
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Can you snap out of it, Vic?
We've got a show...
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Can you snap...? No, I can't.
Snap out of it, Vic.
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You OK?
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Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.
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Has that brought you through?
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It's brought you've brought me
right back to Standard Time.
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Oh, well, I'm pleased. You were
really upset then, bless you.
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I was. Thank you.
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Hey, do you like turmeric?
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Oh, you had to mention...
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I love turmeric.
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Oh, turmeric! Nice, isn't it?
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It's the most flavoursome dust.
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What do you like it on?
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Oh, Vic, I wish
you'd never mentioned it,
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cos now I want it on my spuds.
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Yeah, it's nice. Love it on spuds.
Have you got any?
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Yeah. I've got my
pocket spuds with me. Yeah.
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Have you? Yeah. Look.
Come on, get them out.
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Oh, if I had some turmeric.
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If you had some.
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Do you know how it's harvested?
Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And?
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It's wasps, isn't it?
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No! I think it is.
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What you're thinking is -
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bees make honey,
wasps make turmeric.
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But you're wrong.
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Bees make honey, wasps make mustard.
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Oh! Yeah. That's it.
I remember now.
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They come and scrape it off
the mustard bushes
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and fart it out into a 10p coin.
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Something like that.
I should have remembered that.
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I'll show you how they do it
in the old country, shall I?
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Simply a case of... OK.
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Just a minute.
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Oh, you're going in, are you?
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Oh, yeah. I'm going in.
I understand.
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SQUELCHING
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LAUGHTER
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LAUGHTER
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Whoa! Quiet an operation, isn't it?
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Yeah.
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Yes.
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And there's the turmeric!
There's the turmeric!
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Hey, shall we tuck in? Why not?
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There you go.
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Thank you. Ready? Ready.
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ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
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So good.
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And that's turmeric.
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Michael Portillo
presents his brand-new album -
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I'm Air Horny.
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Hi, I'm Michael Portillo -
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broadcaster and railway enthusiast.
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But my main passion is the air horn
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and here's a selection
from my new LP.
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I'm Air Horny, Air Horny, Air Horny.
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# The sun coming up
on the east side...
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HORN BLARES
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# Had a little run-in
with some trouble last night...
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HORN BLARES
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# You were still awake in my phone
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# Text me when you get home
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# Trying not to doze off
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# Let me know when you close off
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HORN BLARES
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# There's one thing on my mind... #
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HORN BLARES
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Includes Mr Horn, Horn to Run
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Horn Cobs, Hornography,
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and Hot Bacon.
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FOGHORN BLAST
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I'm Air Horny - in shops now on
Reeves and Mortimer Records.
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Bob! Yeah?
It's your birthday, isn't it?
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Yes. Yes, it's my birthday.
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Right, well, I got you
a lovely present.
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Oh, thank you.
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How about that, huh?
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Now I know what you're thinking.
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Yeah. They're the wrong colour.
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It's a birthday present for you.
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They'll look lovely on you.
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I took care to get your size
and everything.
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I'd wear them down the allotment.
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Or maybe in my basement.
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It's your birthday present.
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I seem ungrateful.
I don't want blue trousers.
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You are ungrateful. All right.
Well, forget it then.
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I'll eat with me porridge.
How about that, eh?
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CHEERING
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What's wrong, mate, who are you?
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I'm Thor.
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God of Thunder.
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BOTH: Yeah?
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So, what you up to
around here, then?
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I'm just doing some filming
down the road.
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I say a film, it's more like an
advert for emulsion paint, really.
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Oh, yeah?
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Anyway, what are you doing here?
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Having a daft laugh?
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Telling jokes?
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Yeah, that's it.
Making stuff up about the news?
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Yeah, that's kind of what we do,
yeah. Kind of.
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Have you got microphones on?
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Yeah. Yeah. Just on the shoulder.
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Right. Good. Come here.
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Hiya, Gary.
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Yeah, sorry,
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I can't come to
Jenny's christening.
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Sorry about that.
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Anyway, I better go.
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There's someone at the door.
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See you later.
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See you later. Thanks. See you.
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Introducing...
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Have you ever watched
birds in flight? Yeah.
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Or perched on a tree?
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Yeah.
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Have you ever longed to touch
them and drain their energy?
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Yeah.
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Introducing the Orno Wonder Wand.
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It's a bird touching tool.
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HE WHISTLES
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The lance is made from klodite.
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"Klodite"? Fuck's sake. The
stuff they use for pepper pots.
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Ah, yeah.
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The longer you touch,
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the more energy is drained
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for storage in the leg.
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Birds in flight.
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No problems, Senor Gastollino.
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The wand will lock
into the energy source.
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When your legs are fully charged,
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just watch them go.
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Hey. Hey. So, ladies and gentlemen,
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we've now reached a point
in the show where we're going to
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perform with my dance collective
called Saucers For Cups.
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It's an urban street dance,
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very much influenced by
the Diversity dance group.
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And I must say that this is
entirely Bob's thing.
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I've got nothing
to do with it, really.
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It's kind of
an obsession with him.
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"Street Dance this,
Street Dance that."
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He wakes up in the night shouting,
"Street Dance 2," sometimes.
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Street Dance 3-D!
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"I'm jerking!"
He shouts that sometimes.
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Sometimes I shout that as well.
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So, anyway,
it's a kind of obsession
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and this piece
I'm going to present tonight
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is like an apocalyptic
version of the future,
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and it features
the last surviving humans on Earth,
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which are a little group
of street dancing kids.
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One of these kids is going to end up
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being the leader of
the Rebel Alliance.
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Now, we haven't got a name for him.
Give us a name.
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Domino. Domino. I like it.
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So, this is Domino's story.
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I'm going to be
playing his father John.
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Papa John. Yep.
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And who will you be playing, Vic?
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I'm in it, am I? Yeah.
I don't know.
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I'll tell you what,
I'll be a kind of an old sage,
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a lazy old sage... Lazy, yeah.
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..who sits back and watches
everything unfold. OK.
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And I'll be called something
mysterious like Zahut.
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OK. Pete Zahut.
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OK. So, ladies and gentlemen,
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it's Saucers For Cups.
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Yeah, I tell you what, it's
a good name - Saucers For Cups -
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but tighten it up a bit.
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Yeah? Forget the Saucers,
get rid of the Saucers.
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Get rid of the Saucers.
Get rid of the Saucers. Yeah.
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So, ladies and gentlemen, For Cups!
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LAUGHTER
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FUTURISTIC SOUND EFFECTS
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Open emergency channels.
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Only use emergency frequencies.
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Emergency. Emergency.
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Earth Alliance calling.
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00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,560
This is Domino.
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Papa John and Pete Zahut.
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Emergency.
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Hold on.
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I see what you've done.
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Papa John's, Pizza Hut and Domino's.
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00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:42,040
Yeah. You've basically made this
into a pizza advert.
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I'm sorry. Coming out here...
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I'm sorry!
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Pizzas were on my mind. I wanted
to go home and have a pizza,
265
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,000
and watch Bad Santa 2.
266
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,720
You should be concentrating.
267
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:54,880
Can you make a little bit of
a bloody effort?
268
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,600
I'm not making enough effort?
269
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,320
No, take the smile off your face.
This is serious business.
270
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,440
Have you got a mint?
271
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,840
Help me out with this.
272
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,440
It ain't going great.
LAUGHTER
273
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,040
Right, hold on a minute.
274
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,360
Right, I'm not using
any of them names
275
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:14,480
but what I do need to do is think
of, like, a rendezvous zone?
276
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,200
Somewhere where they all meet up?
Where they can all meet up, yeah.
277
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,800
Some zone.
278
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,480
Why don't you try some somewhere
mysterious like in Japan? Inshu!
279
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:22,960
Inshu. Thank you.
280
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,600
So, they all meet there.
281
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:25,800
Domino's story continues.
282
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,760
OK. Go on.
283
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,960
FUTURISTIC SOUND EFFECTS
284
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,040
Rendezvous Inshu zone.
285
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:37,520
LAUGHTER
286
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,400
Rendezvous Inshu zone.
287
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,600
Stop it. Stop it.
288
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:49,960
Shoe Zone?
289
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,720
Yeah.
290
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,560
So now I'm making an advert for
a budget shoe outlet?
291
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:56,960
Yeah? Yeah.
292
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,800
Forget it. Right.
That's the end of it.
293
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,200
That's the end of
Domino's story, Vic.
294
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,080
Honestly. And do you know what?
295
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,840
Actually, a budget shoe outlet
296
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,480
wouldn't have been a bad place
for a rendezvous zone.
297
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,400
Think around that, son.
298
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,720
I will. Think around that.
299
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,240
I'm starting to think about it.
300
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,920
Well, there we are,
Saucers For Cups.
301
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,800
And I must stress that this is
very much Bob's idea.
302
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,560
I wish him all the best with it.
303
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:25,800
But you know what?
304
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,480
It is what it is.
305
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,440
Our rural brothers need help, too.
306
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,840
That's why we've come to
a rural environment
307
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,600
to create protest
308
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,400
through jumping out
of the environment!
309
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,360
Check out all this
capitalist debris.
310
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,680
HE RETCHES
311
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:01,040
Let's clean out the guttering
of the poor people's houses
312
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,640
so that the flow is
free and constant.
313
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,760
Getting rid of postcodes
once and for all.
314
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,080
Up goes the taxes.
315
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,320
HE WAILS
316
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,640
Did you see that? Check it out.
317
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,400
Bollards, graffiti, tyres.
318
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,880
I took my mum's knickers
out of her drawer
319
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:20,800
and threw them on the lawn,
320
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,720
and that's going to teach her
to take the PS2 for the night.
321
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,640
Yeah, say you're marching
in protest against community cuts,
322
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,360
just put this on and they
won't know who the fuck you are.
323
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,800
I got my girlfriend pregnant twice
in the same night.
324
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,720
It's incredible!
325
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:54,280
I could cry! It's amazing!
326
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,080
Incredible! Yes!
327
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:04,320
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
328
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,160
Right. Let's take a trip to
Novelty Island.
329
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:12,040
CHEERING
330
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,640
PHONE RINGS
331
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,560
OK. Here we are.
Novelty Island.
332
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:19,600
Here's the paddock,
333
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,520
and we're going to see
three marvellous turns,
334
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,720
going to do the spots
in the paddock tonight.
335
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:30,040
And the first turn we're going
to see is Toby Brewster.
336
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:34,240
He likes his baked beans
near him at the dinner table.
337
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,080
If they're too far away from him,
338
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,640
he says he just can't reach.
339
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,240
So, here he is.
340
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,000
Please give a warm welcome
to Toby Brewster.
341
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,360
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
342
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,280
Hi. Hi.
343
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,600
Lovely to meet you.
Toby Brewster here.
344
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,280
Hi, how do you do?
345
00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,280
I'm Toby Brewster, like.
346
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,280
You know, I want to come
here tonight
347
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,800
to recreate the goal I scored
in the cup final
348
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,040
against Stockton-On-Tees.
349
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,160
LAUGHTER
350
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:10,080
Wow. Hey. Do you ken Toby Baxter,
the wee Geordie lad?
351
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,080
The best centre forward
352
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:15,160
that the Morpeth ever had?
353
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,040
Kick. Head. Smoke.
354
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,520
Aye.
355
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,880
So let's have a look at this.
Go on, Baxter!
356
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,440
Are you going to do
your legendary strike?
357
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,880
Aye, I'd like to do
my legendary strike now.
358
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,120
Is it all right if I pop...?
359
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,800
Come out there.
360
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,280
If I pop out.
361
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,640
Come on. Pop out there.
Can I pop out?
362
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,360
I'd like to pop out
of the paddock, like.
363
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,920
Go on. There you go. OK.
364
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,000
Now, I've got to be honest with you.
365
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,880
It's Toby Baxter, by the way.
366
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,720
All right, Toby.
367
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,800
I've got to be
honest with you, right.
368
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,440
My spatial awareness
is shot to shit these days, like.
369
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,200
Quite a boast.
370
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,480
So, anyway, I can't remember
the day pretty well, like.
371
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,680
The cross came in from the left -
or the right, I can't remember.
372
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,120
I think it was Mick Woodward.
373
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,400
"Toby, get to the ball!" I did.
374
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,240
Bang!
375
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,200
Hold, hold, hold.
376
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,120
In the back of the net.
377
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:15,160
Kick, head, smoke.
378
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,480
That's me, yeah.
379
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:17,960
That's what happened.
380
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,240
Toby Baxter.
381
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,360
I need that stuff
for the hostel, like.
382
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,120
CHEERING
383
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,600
Toby Brewster, ladies and gentlemen.
384
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,360
"What a turn. What a turn.
385
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,680
"Quite a boast."
386
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,760
Act number two
in the Novelty Island paddock
387
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:40,880
is Lazy John Apples,
Berries and Banana Man.
388
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,840
Quite a mouthful, literally.
389
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,080
He sits at home all day
watching Nickelodeon
390
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,320
and eating chickpeas
straight from the tin.
391
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,800
And he once got pissed in Pakistan.
392
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,880
"Quite a boast."
393
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,640
Here he is - Lazy John Apples,
Berries and Bananas Man.
394
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,600
Get in, Lazy John.
395
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,280
Hiya. Hello. How are you doing?
396
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,320
I'm all right. Yeah. Are you? Good.
397
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,480
So, what are you
going to do for us tonight?
398
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,800
I've got a cat that I've fed on
nowt but mayonnaise for 15 years.
399
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,960
It's in me sports bag.
400
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,640
Do you want to see it?
401
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,200
I'm not that bothered, to be honest.
402
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,800
I'm not really that interested,
I don't know if anyone else...
403
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,240
Is anyone interested?
404
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:31,400
MUTTERING
405
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,760
No, no-one's interested.
406
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,920
I withdraw it
from the competition then.
407
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,920
Yeah, I think it's
probably wise to, yeah.
408
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:41,080
I'll tell you what. Look, I think
this is your application form here.
409
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,760
Take that into reception
410
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,360
and you should get
some of your money back.
411
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,120
Anyway.
412
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,760
Good luck to you.
413
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,680
Well, I'll see you later.
414
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,280
You did this.
415
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,960
LAUGHTER
416
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,920
See you, John.
417
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,120
Lazy John. Bye.
418
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,840
Very sad. And the final turn tonight
419
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,320
in the Novelty Island paddock -
420
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,120
ladies and gentlemen,
it's Bill Decker.
421
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,520
All right, Bill?
422
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,520
My name is Bill Decker
and I'm a murderer.
423
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,280
Bill Decker. Who's this?
424
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:32,840
That's my wife, Joan.
425
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,400
What's your name? Joan.
426
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:37,800
My wife, Joan.
427
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,080
She accompanies me
on all my murders.
428
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,200
Yeah. So I thought
she could come here,
429
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,920
add a little bit of,
you know, sex appeal. Lovely.
430
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,880
She's got her cloth on.
431
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,800
LAUGHTER
432
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,480
She's a good girl. She really is.
433
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,320
So, what is it you're
going to do for us tonight?
434
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,560
Tonight, I'm going to present
435
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,880
a short excerpt from my new musical
436
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,360
Murder Makes Me Happy.
437
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,800
It's A Funny Old Murder.
It's A Funny Old Murder.
438
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,160
I co-wrote it with Joan.
439
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:11,440
Didn't I, Joan?
440
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,200
JOAN GRUNTS
441
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,120
So, in this particular excerpt
I'll be presenting,
442
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:22,880
I'm demonstrating
methods of murder I have used.
443
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,400
HE RASPS
444
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,840
OK.
445
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,360
OK, then. Music, please. OK.
446
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,840
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
447
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,200
The pistol.
448
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,680
LAUGHTER
449
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,880
Thank you very much. Bill Decker!
Come on, Joan. And Joan.
450
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:20,880
Well, there we are,
the three turns that were on
451
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,280
the Novelty Island paddock area -
452
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:27,560
and, to judge them, please welcome
the soul diva Chaka Khan.
453
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,800
And there she is.
454
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:45,040
Chaka Khan just recently
returned from a tour
455
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,480
of the Scottish Isles.
456
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,280
So, Chaka, who is the winning act?
457
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:52,920
Was it...?
458
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,400
Was it number one?
459
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,240
No.
460
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,920
Was it act number two?
461
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:06,440
No.
462
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,160
Was it act...?
463
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:11,920
It probably is, then.
464
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,640
Act number three.
465
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,880
CHEERING
466
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,280
Act number three, it's Bill Decker.
467
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:22,920
CHEERING
468
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,760
'Ey up. Who's there then?
469
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,560
It's me, Superman.
470
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,720
Oh, right. All right, Supesy?
471
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:51,640
My wife reckons I don't
give her enough privacy, like.
472
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,400
Oh, aye. Oh, yeah, yeah.
473
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,120
Well, at least that's
what it says in her diary.
474
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,800
LAUGHTER
475
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,120
Oh-ho! Oh, that's a good one.
476
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,480
Oh!
477
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,160
FANFARE, WATER SPLASHES
478
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,480
That's shifted it. Thanks, Bats.
479
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:06,800
FLUSHING
480
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,880
Aye, that's what I'm here for.
See you, then.
481
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,160
# It's a kind of magic
482
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,000
# It's a kind of magic
483
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,520
# It's a kind of magic
484
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,920
# One dream, one soul
485
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,520
# One prize, one goal
486
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,800
# One golden glance
487
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,440
# Of what should be
488
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,040
# It's a kind of magic
489
00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:01,240
# The waiting seems eternity
490
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:08,400
# The day will dawn of sanity
491
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:16,080
# Is this a kind of magic?
492
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,720
# It's a kind of magic
493
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:24,200
# There can be only one
494
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:29,000
# Will soon be done
495
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:35,520
# This flame that burns inside of me
496
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:42,520
# I'm hearing secret harmonies
497
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:49,280
# The bell that rings
inside your mind
498
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:58,280
# Is challenging the doors of time
499
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,840
# It's a kind of magic
500
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,400
# It's a kind of magic
501
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,720
QUEEN TRACK STOPS,
RECORDER MUSIC PLAYS
502
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:25,480
LAUGHTER
503
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,920
QUEEN TRACK RESUMES
504
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:41,160
DRONING
505
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:55,320
Pull it quicker, man,
pull it quicker!
506
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,680
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
507
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:05,400
And that's...magic!
508
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:09,960
It's a kind of magic!
509
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,080
Thank you.
510
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:15,440
That was... Hold on!
511
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:19,200
Blimey! I thought
it was George Clooney.
512
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:21,680
No.
513
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:22,760
You crept up on me then.
514
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,160
I think that's the end of the show.
515
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:25,680
Say our farewells.
516
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,920
All that remains is
for us to sing our goodbye song.
517
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,400
But if it's not your cup of tea,
Vaun's going to be over there
518
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:34,880
and he's going to be
having some thoughts.
519
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,560
A couple of thoughts...
520
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:37,880
Don't know what he's thinking.
521
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,120
He might be thinking about
setting up a rescue centre.
522
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:42,440
Something like that.
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen,
523
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,080
and thanks for having us.
524
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:48,000
APPLAUSE
525
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,120
# You can do it if you really want
Hey!
526
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:58,840
# You can do it if you really want
Hey!
527
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,480
# You can do it if you really want
Hey!
528
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:05,600
# You can do it if you really want
529
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:08,920
# Pick a fight with Mary Berry
530
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,720
# Set fire to a horse and cart
531
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:15,560
# Standing in a puddle
shouting "USA!"
532
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,040
# Wood chip, wood chip
533
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,560
# What a lovely ice cream!
534
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,520
# You can do it if you really want
535
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:24,720
# You can do it if you really want
536
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,760
Come on!
537
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,160
# You can do it if you really want
538
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,560
# You can do it if you really want
Hey!
539
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:34,880
# You can do it if you really want
Do you wanna?!
540
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,760
That means you!
541
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,240
# You can do it if you really want
Yeah! Do you want to?
542
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,160
# You can do it if you really want
543
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,920
# You can do it
if you really want. #
544
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:49,640
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen!
545
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:51,560
CHEERING
546
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:55,120
So, Vaun,
are you going to open that centre?
547
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:58,200
Na. No! I'm not
going to bother, no.
548
00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:01,920
No. No, no, no.
549
00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:03,280
No. Goodnight! No. No, no, no.