1 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:11,520 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,880 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Vic and Bob's Big Night Out. 4 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,920 Fact. 5 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:32,480 # Do you remember the day that the Rolling Stones went into battle 6 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:37,120 # On the sea monsters Sea monsters? 7 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,840 # What did Mick use? 8 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,560 # A machine gun 9 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:47,720 # What did Keith use? 10 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,960 # A machine gun 11 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,560 # Do you remember the day they went to war 12 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:57,080 # On that sea monsters Sea monsters 13 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:00,640 # Sea monsters, sea monsters? 14 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,480 # Do you remember? 15 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,320 No. 16 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:07,840 # Do you remember? No. 17 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,040 # Do YOU remember? No. 18 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,280 # Do you remember? 19 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,480 No! 20 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,240 # Well, we remember the terrible day 21 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:22,000 # And a haunting sound of their machine guns 22 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:26,000 # Machine guns, machine guns 23 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,240 # Machine guns, machine guns... # 24 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:32,000 DRONING NOISE 25 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:34,840 DRONING NOISE 26 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,600 DRONING NOISE 27 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:40,680 DRONING NOISE 28 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,040 DRONING NOISE 29 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,120 DRONING NOISE 30 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,480 LAUGHTER 31 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,080 DRONING NOISE 32 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,120 Hey-hey! 33 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,640 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 34 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,000 Welcome to the Big Night Out. 35 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,640 I didn't think the boys and girls were very convinced, 36 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,040 you know, by our story of the Rolling Stones 37 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,320 and their battle on the... 38 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:06,600 # Sea Monsters 39 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,280 # With their machine guns. # 40 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,000 Yeah. I mean, I'm convinced it happened. Well, I'm convinced. 41 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,120 But was it a conspiracy? 42 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,640 I mean, was it? A conspiracy theory? 43 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,000 Was it a conspiracy? 44 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,560 I mean, was it? 45 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,600 I mean, like, JFK... 46 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:20,840 Is that REALLY an airport?! 47 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,960 LAUGHTER 48 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,520 Or 7-Eleven! 49 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,680 Are they really fully staffed at 11 o'clock at night? 50 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,040 Really? Bah! 51 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,600 Your hair. My hair. 52 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,280 Is it really there? 53 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,600 Nobody knows. Oh, Vic... 54 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,760 ..I need to tell you. 55 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,000 There was a kidnapping at my son's school this week. 56 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,160 No! Yeah! Really? 57 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,480 Oh, it's OK, though. 58 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:49,320 He woke up eventually. 59 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,800 HORN TOOTS 60 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,640 Bah! 61 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,800 You know? I felt like I was in the front row at an Oasis concert. 62 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,040 Yeah. 63 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,080 Really. I'm not kidding either. 64 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,280 Hey, Bob. 65 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:16,840 Have you seen my stepladder? 66 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,360 That's very nice. 67 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,360 It is nice, isn't it, Bob? 68 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:23,600 I never knew me real ladder. 69 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,400 I never met him. 70 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,880 I don't know where he lives. 71 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,480 Who knows where he lives? He could be a Scottish, 72 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,360 it could be a Bristol, could be a Rome. 73 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,560 So, I know you're upset but... You don't care, do you? 74 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,760 ..I think you mean a Venice. 75 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,000 It doesn't matter. You don't care. 76 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,880 Can you snap out of it, Vic? We've got a show... 77 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,200 Can you snap...? No, I can't. Snap out of it, Vic. 78 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,040 You OK? 79 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,840 Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. 80 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,440 Has that brought you through? 81 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,600 It's brought you've brought me right back to Standard Time. 82 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,920 Oh, well, I'm pleased. You were really upset then, bless you. 83 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:06,760 I was. Thank you. 84 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,760 Hey, do you like turmeric? 85 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,040 Oh, you had to mention... 86 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,240 I love turmeric. 87 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:12,680 Oh, turmeric! Nice, isn't it? 88 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,480 It's the most flavoursome dust. 89 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,160 What do you like it on? 90 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:19,960 Oh, Vic, I wish you'd never mentioned it, 91 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,520 cos now I want it on my spuds. 92 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,640 Yeah, it's nice. Love it on spuds. Have you got any? 93 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,480 Yeah. I've got my pocket spuds with me. Yeah. 94 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,640 Have you? Yeah. Look. Come on, get them out. 95 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,080 Oh, if I had some turmeric. 96 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:30,400 If you had some. 97 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,280 Do you know how it's harvested? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And? 98 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:34,640 It's wasps, isn't it? 99 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,040 No! I think it is. 100 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,760 What you're thinking is - 101 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,640 bees make honey, wasps make turmeric. 102 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:41,840 But you're wrong. 103 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:44,440 Bees make honey, wasps make mustard. 104 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,720 Oh! Yeah. That's it. I remember now. 105 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,240 They come and scrape it off the mustard bushes 106 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,480 and fart it out into a 10p coin. 107 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,840 Something like that. I should have remembered that. 108 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,560 I'll show you how they do it in the old country, shall I? 109 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,240 Simply a case of... OK. 110 00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,840 Just a minute. 111 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,240 Oh, you're going in, are you? 112 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:03,440 Oh, yeah. I'm going in. I understand. 113 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,320 SQUELCHING 114 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:07,600 LAUGHTER 115 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:16,040 LAUGHTER 116 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,280 Whoa! Quiet an operation, isn't it? 117 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:28,440 Yeah. 118 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:29,680 Yes. 119 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,720 And there's the turmeric! There's the turmeric! 120 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:33,080 Hey, shall we tuck in? Why not? 121 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,240 There you go. 122 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,960 Thank you. Ready? Ready. 123 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,760 ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS 124 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,920 So good. 125 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,840 And that's turmeric. 126 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:15,360 Michael Portillo presents his brand-new album - 127 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,360 I'm Air Horny. 128 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,240 Hi, I'm Michael Portillo - 129 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:22,200 broadcaster and railway enthusiast. 130 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,720 But my main passion is the air horn 131 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,960 and here's a selection from my new LP. 132 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,200 I'm Air Horny, Air Horny, Air Horny. 133 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,040 # The sun coming up on the east side... 134 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,560 HORN BLARES 135 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:39,000 # Had a little run-in with some trouble last night... 136 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,680 HORN BLARES 137 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,200 # You were still awake in my phone 138 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,080 # Text me when you get home 139 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,920 # Trying not to doze off 140 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,920 # Let me know when you close off 141 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,200 HORN BLARES 142 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,680 # There's one thing on my mind... # 143 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,920 HORN BLARES 144 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:02,840 Includes Mr Horn, Horn to Run 145 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,040 Horn Cobs, Hornography, 146 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,480 and Hot Bacon. 147 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:15,160 FOGHORN BLAST 148 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,960 I'm Air Horny - in shops now on Reeves and Mortimer Records. 149 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,480 Bob! Yeah? It's your birthday, isn't it? 150 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,000 Yes. Yes, it's my birthday. 151 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,000 Right, well, I got you a lovely present. 152 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,080 Oh, thank you. 153 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,680 How about that, huh? 154 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,160 Now I know what you're thinking. 155 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,000 Yeah. They're the wrong colour. 156 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,400 It's a birthday present for you. 157 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,120 They'll look lovely on you. 158 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,960 I took care to get your size and everything. 159 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,480 I'd wear them down the allotment. 160 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:50,680 Or maybe in my basement. 161 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,160 It's your birthday present. 162 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,360 I seem ungrateful. I don't want blue trousers. 163 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,840 You are ungrateful. All right. Well, forget it then. 164 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,240 I'll eat with me porridge. How about that, eh? 165 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,800 CHEERING 166 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,360 What's wrong, mate, who are you? 167 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:05,240 I'm Thor. 168 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,080 God of Thunder. 169 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,120 BOTH: Yeah? 170 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,960 So, what you up to around here, then? 171 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,960 I'm just doing some filming down the road. 172 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,680 I say a film, it's more like an advert for emulsion paint, really. 173 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,160 Oh, yeah? 174 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,920 Anyway, what are you doing here? 175 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:21,400 Having a daft laugh? 176 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:23,640 Telling jokes? 177 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:27,160 Yeah, that's it. Making stuff up about the news? 178 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,240 Yeah, that's kind of what we do, yeah. Kind of. 179 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,160 Have you got microphones on? 180 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,840 Yeah. Yeah. Just on the shoulder. 181 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,280 Right. Good. Come here. 182 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,040 Hiya, Gary. 183 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,960 Yeah, sorry, 184 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,560 I can't come to Jenny's christening. 185 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,160 Sorry about that. 186 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,720 Anyway, I better go. 187 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,880 There's someone at the door. 188 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,280 See you later. 189 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,080 See you later. Thanks. See you. 190 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,520 Introducing... 191 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,440 Have you ever watched birds in flight? Yeah. 192 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,280 Or perched on a tree? 193 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:15,840 Yeah. 194 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:19,280 Have you ever longed to touch them and drain their energy? 195 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:20,800 Yeah. 196 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,320 Introducing the Orno Wonder Wand. 197 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,240 It's a bird touching tool. 198 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:30,960 HE WHISTLES 199 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,800 The lance is made from klodite. 200 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,920 "Klodite"? Fuck's sake. The stuff they use for pepper pots. 201 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,600 Ah, yeah. 202 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,160 The longer you touch, 203 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,920 the more energy is drained 204 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:46,720 for storage in the leg. 205 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,760 Birds in flight. 206 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,840 No problems, Senor Gastollino. 207 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:56,240 The wand will lock into the energy source. 208 00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,960 When your legs are fully charged, 209 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,280 just watch them go. 210 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,800 Hey. Hey. So, ladies and gentlemen, 211 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:22,640 we've now reached a point in the show where we're going to 212 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,080 perform with my dance collective called Saucers For Cups. 213 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:27,840 It's an urban street dance, 214 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:31,480 very much influenced by the Diversity dance group. 215 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,600 And I must say that this is entirely Bob's thing. 216 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,160 I've got nothing to do with it, really. 217 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,240 It's kind of an obsession with him. 218 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,640 "Street Dance this, Street Dance that." 219 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,600 He wakes up in the night shouting, "Street Dance 2," sometimes. 220 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,080 Street Dance 3-D! 221 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:48,080 "I'm jerking!" He shouts that sometimes. 222 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,760 Sometimes I shout that as well. 223 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,280 So, anyway, it's a kind of obsession 224 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,760 and this piece I'm going to present tonight 225 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,640 is like an apocalyptic version of the future, 226 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,720 and it features the last surviving humans on Earth, 227 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,880 which are a little group of street dancing kids. 228 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,880 One of these kids is going to end up 229 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:10,280 being the leader of the Rebel Alliance. 230 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,880 Now, we haven't got a name for him. Give us a name. 231 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,280 Domino. Domino. I like it. 232 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,200 So, this is Domino's story. 233 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,800 I'm going to be playing his father John. 234 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,040 Papa John. Yep. 235 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,560 And who will you be playing, Vic? 236 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,800 I'm in it, am I? Yeah. I don't know. 237 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,240 I'll tell you what, I'll be a kind of an old sage, 238 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,680 a lazy old sage... Lazy, yeah. 239 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,320 ..who sits back and watches everything unfold. OK. 240 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,520 And I'll be called something mysterious like Zahut. 241 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:40,920 OK. Pete Zahut. 242 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,480 OK. So, ladies and gentlemen, 243 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,480 it's Saucers For Cups. 244 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:49,400 Yeah, I tell you what, it's a good name - Saucers For Cups - 245 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:50,840 but tighten it up a bit. 246 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,920 Yeah? Forget the Saucers, get rid of the Saucers. 247 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,040 Get rid of the Saucers. Get rid of the Saucers. Yeah. 248 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:56,960 So, ladies and gentlemen, For Cups! 249 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,840 LAUGHTER 250 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:06,040 FUTURISTIC SOUND EFFECTS 251 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,760 Open emergency channels. 252 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,720 Only use emergency frequencies. 253 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,440 Emergency. Emergency. 254 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,440 Earth Alliance calling. 255 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,560 This is Domino. 256 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:31,360 Papa John and Pete Zahut. 257 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:32,960 Emergency. 258 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,200 Hold on. 259 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,440 I see what you've done. 260 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:38,280 Papa John's, Pizza Hut and Domino's. 261 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:42,040 Yeah. You've basically made this into a pizza advert. 262 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,920 I'm sorry. Coming out here... 263 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,040 I'm sorry! 264 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,320 Pizzas were on my mind. I wanted to go home and have a pizza, 265 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,000 and watch Bad Santa 2. 266 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,720 You should be concentrating. 267 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:54,880 Can you make a little bit of a bloody effort? 268 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,600 I'm not making enough effort? 269 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,320 No, take the smile off your face. This is serious business. 270 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,440 Have you got a mint? 271 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,840 Help me out with this. 272 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,440 It ain't going great. LAUGHTER 273 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,040 Right, hold on a minute. 274 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,360 Right, I'm not using any of them names 275 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:14,480 but what I do need to do is think of, like, a rendezvous zone? 276 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,200 Somewhere where they all meet up? Where they can all meet up, yeah. 277 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,800 Some zone. 278 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,480 Why don't you try some somewhere mysterious like in Japan? Inshu! 279 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:22,960 Inshu. Thank you. 280 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,600 So, they all meet there. 281 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:25,800 Domino's story continues. 282 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,760 OK. Go on. 283 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,960 FUTURISTIC SOUND EFFECTS 284 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,040 Rendezvous Inshu zone. 285 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:37,520 LAUGHTER 286 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,400 Rendezvous Inshu zone. 287 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,600 Stop it. Stop it. 288 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:49,960 Shoe Zone? 289 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,720 Yeah. 290 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,560 So now I'm making an advert for a budget shoe outlet? 291 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:56,960 Yeah? Yeah. 292 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,800 Forget it. Right. That's the end of it. 293 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,200 That's the end of Domino's story, Vic. 294 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,080 Honestly. And do you know what? 295 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,840 Actually, a budget shoe outlet 296 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,480 wouldn't have been a bad place for a rendezvous zone. 297 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,400 Think around that, son. 298 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,720 I will. Think around that. 299 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,240 I'm starting to think about it. 300 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,920 Well, there we are, Saucers For Cups. 301 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,800 And I must stress that this is very much Bob's idea. 302 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,560 I wish him all the best with it. 303 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:25,800 But you know what? 304 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,480 It is what it is. 305 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,440 Our rural brothers need help, too. 306 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,840 That's why we've come to a rural environment 307 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,600 to create protest 308 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,400 through jumping out of the environment! 309 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,360 Check out all this capitalist debris. 310 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,680 HE RETCHES 311 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:01,040 Let's clean out the guttering of the poor people's houses 312 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,640 so that the flow is free and constant. 313 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,760 Getting rid of postcodes once and for all. 314 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,080 Up goes the taxes. 315 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,320 HE WAILS 316 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,640 Did you see that? Check it out. 317 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,400 Bollards, graffiti, tyres. 318 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,880 I took my mum's knickers out of her drawer 319 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:20,800 and threw them on the lawn, 320 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,720 and that's going to teach her to take the PS2 for the night. 321 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,640 Yeah, say you're marching in protest against community cuts, 322 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,360 just put this on and they won't know who the fuck you are. 323 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,800 I got my girlfriend pregnant twice in the same night. 324 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,720 It's incredible! 325 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:54,280 I could cry! It's amazing! 326 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,080 Incredible! Yes! 327 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:04,320 APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER 328 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,160 Right. Let's take a trip to Novelty Island. 329 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:12,040 CHEERING 330 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,640 PHONE RINGS 331 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,560 OK. Here we are. Novelty Island. 332 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:19,600 Here's the paddock, 333 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,520 and we're going to see three marvellous turns, 334 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,720 going to do the spots in the paddock tonight. 335 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:30,040 And the first turn we're going to see is Toby Brewster. 336 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:34,240 He likes his baked beans near him at the dinner table. 337 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,080 If they're too far away from him, 338 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,640 he says he just can't reach. 339 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,240 So, here he is. 340 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,000 Please give a warm welcome to Toby Brewster. 341 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 342 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,280 Hi. Hi. 343 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,600 Lovely to meet you. Toby Brewster here. 344 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,280 Hi, how do you do? 345 00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,280 I'm Toby Brewster, like. 346 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,280 You know, I want to come here tonight 347 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,800 to recreate the goal I scored in the cup final 348 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,040 against Stockton-On-Tees. 349 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,160 LAUGHTER 350 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:10,080 Wow. Hey. Do you ken Toby Baxter, the wee Geordie lad? 351 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,080 The best centre forward 352 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:15,160 that the Morpeth ever had? 353 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,040 Kick. Head. Smoke. 354 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,520 Aye. 355 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,880 So let's have a look at this. Go on, Baxter! 356 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,440 Are you going to do your legendary strike? 357 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,880 Aye, I'd like to do my legendary strike now. 358 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,120 Is it all right if I pop...? 359 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,800 Come out there. 360 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,280 If I pop out. 361 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,640 Come on. Pop out there. Can I pop out? 362 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,360 I'd like to pop out of the paddock, like. 363 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,920 Go on. There you go. OK. 364 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,000 Now, I've got to be honest with you. 365 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,880 It's Toby Baxter, by the way. 366 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,720 All right, Toby. 367 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,800 I've got to be honest with you, right. 368 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,440 My spatial awareness is shot to shit these days, like. 369 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,200 Quite a boast. 370 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,480 So, anyway, I can't remember the day pretty well, like. 371 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,680 The cross came in from the left - or the right, I can't remember. 372 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,120 I think it was Mick Woodward. 373 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,400 "Toby, get to the ball!" I did. 374 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,240 Bang! 375 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,200 Hold, hold, hold. 376 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,120 In the back of the net. 377 00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:15,160 Kick, head, smoke. 378 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,480 That's me, yeah. 379 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:17,960 That's what happened. 380 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,240 Toby Baxter. 381 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,360 I need that stuff for the hostel, like. 382 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,120 CHEERING 383 00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,600 Toby Brewster, ladies and gentlemen. 384 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,360 "What a turn. What a turn. 385 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,680 "Quite a boast." 386 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,760 Act number two in the Novelty Island paddock 387 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:40,880 is Lazy John Apples, Berries and Banana Man. 388 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,840 Quite a mouthful, literally. 389 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,080 He sits at home all day watching Nickelodeon 390 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,320 and eating chickpeas straight from the tin. 391 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,800 And he once got pissed in Pakistan. 392 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,880 "Quite a boast." 393 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,640 Here he is - Lazy John Apples, Berries and Bananas Man. 394 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,600 Get in, Lazy John. 395 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,280 Hiya. Hello. How are you doing? 396 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,320 I'm all right. Yeah. Are you? Good. 397 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,480 So, what are you going to do for us tonight? 398 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,800 I've got a cat that I've fed on nowt but mayonnaise for 15 years. 399 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,960 It's in me sports bag. 400 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,640 Do you want to see it? 401 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,200 I'm not that bothered, to be honest. 402 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,800 I'm not really that interested, I don't know if anyone else... 403 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,240 Is anyone interested? 404 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:31,400 MUTTERING 405 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,760 No, no-one's interested. 406 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,920 I withdraw it from the competition then. 407 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,920 Yeah, I think it's probably wise to, yeah. 408 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:41,080 I'll tell you what. Look, I think this is your application form here. 409 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,760 Take that into reception 410 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,360 and you should get some of your money back. 411 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,120 Anyway. 412 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,760 Good luck to you. 413 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,680 Well, I'll see you later. 414 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,280 You did this. 415 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,960 LAUGHTER 416 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,920 See you, John. 417 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,120 Lazy John. Bye. 418 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,840 Very sad. And the final turn tonight 419 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,320 in the Novelty Island paddock - 420 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,120 ladies and gentlemen, it's Bill Decker. 421 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,520 All right, Bill? 422 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,520 My name is Bill Decker and I'm a murderer. 423 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,280 Bill Decker. Who's this? 424 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:32,840 That's my wife, Joan. 425 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,400 What's your name? Joan. 426 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:37,800 My wife, Joan. 427 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,080 She accompanies me on all my murders. 428 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,200 Yeah. So I thought she could come here, 429 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,920 add a little bit of, you know, sex appeal. Lovely. 430 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,880 She's got her cloth on. 431 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,800 LAUGHTER 432 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,480 She's a good girl. She really is. 433 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,320 So, what is it you're going to do for us tonight? 434 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,560 Tonight, I'm going to present 435 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,880 a short excerpt from my new musical 436 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,360 Murder Makes Me Happy. 437 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,800 It's A Funny Old Murder. It's A Funny Old Murder. 438 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,160 I co-wrote it with Joan. 439 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:11,440 Didn't I, Joan? 440 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,200 JOAN GRUNTS 441 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,120 So, in this particular excerpt I'll be presenting, 442 00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:22,880 I'm demonstrating methods of murder I have used. 443 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,400 HE RASPS 444 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,840 OK. 445 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,360 OK, then. Music, please. OK. 446 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,840 JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS 447 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,200 The pistol. 448 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,680 LAUGHTER 449 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,880 Thank you very much. Bill Decker! Come on, Joan. And Joan. 450 00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:20,880 Well, there we are, the three turns that were on 451 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,280 the Novelty Island paddock area - 452 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:27,560 and, to judge them, please welcome the soul diva Chaka Khan. 453 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,800 And there she is. 454 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:45,040 Chaka Khan just recently returned from a tour 455 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,480 of the Scottish Isles. 456 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,280 So, Chaka, who is the winning act? 457 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:52,920 Was it...? 458 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,400 Was it number one? 459 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,240 No. 460 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,920 Was it act number two? 461 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:06,440 No. 462 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,160 Was it act...? 463 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:11,920 It probably is, then. 464 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,640 Act number three. 465 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,880 CHEERING 466 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,280 Act number three, it's Bill Decker. 467 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:22,920 CHEERING 468 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,760 'Ey up. Who's there then? 469 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,560 It's me, Superman. 470 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,720 Oh, right. All right, Supesy? 471 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:51,640 My wife reckons I don't give her enough privacy, like. 472 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,400 Oh, aye. Oh, yeah, yeah. 473 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,120 Well, at least that's what it says in her diary. 474 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,800 LAUGHTER 475 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,120 Oh-ho! Oh, that's a good one. 476 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,480 Oh! 477 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,160 FANFARE, WATER SPLASHES 478 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,480 That's shifted it. Thanks, Bats. 479 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:06,800 FLUSHING 480 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,880 Aye, that's what I'm here for. See you, then. 481 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,160 # It's a kind of magic 482 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,000 # It's a kind of magic 483 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,520 # It's a kind of magic 484 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,920 # One dream, one soul 485 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,520 # One prize, one goal 486 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,800 # One golden glance 487 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,440 # Of what should be 488 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,040 # It's a kind of magic 489 00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:01,240 # The waiting seems eternity 490 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:08,400 # The day will dawn of sanity 491 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:16,080 # Is this a kind of magic? 492 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,720 # It's a kind of magic 493 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:24,200 # There can be only one 494 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:29,000 # Will soon be done 495 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:35,520 # This flame that burns inside of me 496 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:42,520 # I'm hearing secret harmonies 497 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:49,280 # The bell that rings inside your mind 498 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:58,280 # Is challenging the doors of time 499 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,840 # It's a kind of magic 500 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,400 # It's a kind of magic 501 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,720 QUEEN TRACK STOPS, RECORDER MUSIC PLAYS 502 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:25,480 LAUGHTER 503 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,920 QUEEN TRACK RESUMES 504 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:41,160 DRONING 505 00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:55,320 Pull it quicker, man, pull it quicker! 506 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 507 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:05,400 And that's...magic! 508 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:09,960 It's a kind of magic! 509 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,080 Thank you. 510 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:15,440 That was... Hold on! 511 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:19,200 Blimey! I thought it was George Clooney. 512 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:21,680 No. 513 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:22,760 You crept up on me then. 514 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,160 I think that's the end of the show. 515 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:25,680 Say our farewells. 516 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,920 All that remains is for us to sing our goodbye song. 517 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,400 But if it's not your cup of tea, Vaun's going to be over there 518 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:34,880 and he's going to be having some thoughts. 519 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,560 A couple of thoughts... 520 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:37,880 Don't know what he's thinking. 521 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,120 He might be thinking about setting up a rescue centre. 522 00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:42,440 Something like that. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen, 523 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,080 and thanks for having us. 524 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:48,000 APPLAUSE 525 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,120 # You can do it if you really want Hey! 526 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:58,840 # You can do it if you really want Hey! 527 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,480 # You can do it if you really want Hey! 528 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:05,600 # You can do it if you really want 529 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:08,920 # Pick a fight with Mary Berry 530 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,720 # Set fire to a horse and cart 531 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:15,560 # Standing in a puddle shouting "USA!" 532 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,040 # Wood chip, wood chip 533 00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,560 # What a lovely ice cream! 534 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,520 # You can do it if you really want 535 00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:24,720 # You can do it if you really want 536 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,760 Come on! 537 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,160 # You can do it if you really want 538 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,560 # You can do it if you really want Hey! 539 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:34,880 # You can do it if you really want Do you wanna?! 540 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,760 That means you! 541 00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,240 # You can do it if you really want Yeah! Do you want to? 542 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,160 # You can do it if you really want 543 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,920 # You can do it if you really want. # 544 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:49,640 Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen! 545 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:51,560 CHEERING 546 00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:55,120 So, Vaun, are you going to open that centre? 547 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:58,200 Na. No! I'm not going to bother, no. 548 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:01,920 No. No, no, no. 549 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:03,280 No. Goodnight! No. No, no, no.