This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Vic and Bob's Big Night Out.
Fact.
# Do you remember the day that the Rolling Stones went into battle
# On the sea monsters Sea monsters?
# What did Mick use?
# A machine gun
# What did Keith use?
# A machine gun
# Do you remember the day they went to war
# On that sea monsters Sea monsters
# Sea monsters, sea monsters?
# Do you remember?
No.
# Do you remember? No.
# Do YOU remember? No.
# Do you remember?
No!
# Well, we remember the terrible day
# And a haunting sound of their machine guns
# Machine guns, machine guns
# Machine guns, machine guns... #
DRONING NOISE
LAUGHTER
DRONING NOISE
Hey-hey!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Big Night Out.
I didn't think the boys and girls were very convinced,
you know, by our story of the Rolling Stones
and their battle on the...
# Sea Monsters
# With their machine guns. #
Yeah. I mean, I'm convinced it happened. Well, I'm convinced.
But was it a conspiracy?
I mean, was it? A conspiracy theory?
Was it a conspiracy?
I mean, was it?
I mean, like, JFK...
Is that REALLY an airport?!
LAUGHTER
Or 7-Eleven!
Are they really fully staffed at 11 o'clock at night?
Really? Bah!
Your hair. My hair.
Is it really there?
Nobody knows. Oh, Vic...
..I need to tell you.
There was a kidnapping at my son's school this week.
No! Yeah! Really?
Oh, it's OK, though.
He woke up eventually.
HORN TOOTS
Bah!
You know? I felt like I was in the front row at an Oasis concert.
Yeah.
Really. I'm not kidding either.
Hey, Bob.
Have you seen my stepladder?
That's very nice.
It is nice, isn't it, Bob?
I never knew me real ladder.
I never met him.
I don't know where he lives.
Who knows where he lives? He could be a Scottish,
it could be a Bristol, could be a Rome.
So, I know you're upset but... You don't care, do you?
..I think you mean a Venice.
It doesn't matter. You don't care.
Can you snap out of it, Vic? We've got a show...
Can you snap...? No, I can't. Snap out of it, Vic.
You OK?
Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.
Has that brought you through?
It's brought you've brought me right back to Standard Time.
Oh, well, I'm pleased. You were really upset then, bless you.
I was. Thank you.
Hey, do you like turmeric?
Oh, you had to mention...
I love turmeric.
Oh, turmeric! Nice, isn't it?
It's the most flavoursome dust.
What do you like it on?
Oh, Vic, I wish you'd never mentioned it,
cos now I want it on my spuds.
Yeah, it's nice. Love it on spuds. Have you got any?
Yeah. I've got my pocket spuds with me. Yeah.
Have you? Yeah. Look. Come on, get them out.
Oh, if I had some turmeric.
If you had some.
Do you know how it's harvested? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And?
It's wasps, isn't it?
No! I think it is.
What you're thinking is -
bees make honey, wasps make turmeric.
But you're wrong.
Bees make honey, wasps make mustard.
Oh! Yeah. That's it. I remember now.
They come and scrape it off the mustard bushes
and fart it out into a 10p coin.
Something like that. I should have remembered that.
I'll show you how they do it in the old country, shall I?
Simply a case of... OK.
Just a minute.
Oh, you're going in, are you?
Oh, yeah. I'm going in. I understand.
SQUELCHING
LAUGHTER
Whoa! Quiet an operation, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yes.
And there's the turmeric! There's the turmeric!
Hey, shall we tuck in? Why not?
There you go.
Thank you. Ready? Ready.
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
So good.
And that's turmeric.
Michael Portillo presents his brand-new album -
I'm Air Horny.
Hi, I'm Michael Portillo -
broadcaster and railway enthusiast.
But my main passion is the air horn
and here's a selection from my new LP.
I'm Air Horny, Air Horny, Air Horny.
# The sun coming up on the east side...
HORN BLARES
# Had a little run-in with some trouble last night...
HORN BLARES
# You were still awake in my phone
# Text me when you get home
# Trying not to doze off
# Let me know when you close off
HORN BLARES
# There's one thing on my mind... #
HORN BLARES
Includes Mr Horn, Horn to Run
Horn Cobs, Hornography,
and Hot Bacon.
FOGHORN BLAST
I'm Air Horny - in shops now on Reeves and Mortimer Records.
Bob! Yeah? It's your birthday, isn't it?
Yes. Yes, it's my birthday.
Right, well, I got you a lovely present.
Oh, thank you.
How about that, huh?
Now I know what you're thinking.
Yeah. They're the wrong colour.
It's a birthday present for you.
They'll look lovely on you.
I took care to get your size and everything.
I'd wear them down the allotment.
Or maybe in my basement.
It's your birthday present.
I seem ungrateful. I don't want blue trousers.
You are ungrateful. All right. Well, forget it then.
I'll eat with me porridge. How about that, eh?
CHEERING
What's wrong, mate, who are you?
I'm Thor.
God of Thunder.
BOTH: Yeah?
So, what you up to around here, then?
I'm just doing some filming down the road.
I say a film, it's more like an advert for emulsion paint, really.
Oh, yeah?
Anyway, what are you doing here?
Having a daft laugh?
Telling jokes?
Yeah, that's it. Making stuff up about the news?
Yeah, that's kind of what we do, yeah. Kind of.
Have you got microphones on?
Yeah. Yeah. Just on the shoulder.
Right. Good. Come here.
Hiya, Gary.
Yeah, sorry,
I can't come to Jenny's christening.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, I better go.
There's someone at the door.
See you later.
See you later. Thanks. See you.
Introducing...
Have you ever watched birds in flight? Yeah.
Or perched on a tree?
Yeah.
Have you ever longed to touch them and drain their energy?
Yeah.
Introducing the Orno Wonder Wand.
It's a bird touching tool.
HE WHISTLES
The lance is made from klodite.
"Klodite"? Fuck's sake. The stuff they use for pepper pots.
Ah, yeah.
The longer you touch,
the more energy is drained
for storage in the leg.
Birds in flight.
No problems, Senor Gastollino.
The wand will lock into the energy source.
When your legs are fully charged,
just watch them go.
Hey. Hey. So, ladies and gentlemen,
we've now reached a point in the show where we're going to
perform with my dance collective called Saucers For Cups.
It's an urban street dance,
very much influenced by the Diversity dance group.
And I must say that this is entirely Bob's thing.
I've got nothing to do with it, really.
It's kind of an obsession with him.
"Street Dance this, Street Dance that."
He wakes up in the night shouting, "Street Dance 2," sometimes.
Street Dance 3-D!
"I'm jerking!" He shouts that sometimes.
Sometimes I shout that as well.
So, anyway, it's a kind of obsession
and this piece I'm going to present tonight
is like an apocalyptic version of the future,
and it features the last surviving humans on Earth,
which are a little group of street dancing kids.
One of these kids is going to end up
being the leader of the Rebel Alliance.
Now, we haven't got a name for him. Give us a name.
Domino. Domino. I like it.
So, this is Domino's story.
I'm going to be playing his father John.
Papa John. Yep.
And who will you be playing, Vic?
I'm in it, am I? Yeah. I don't know.
I'll tell you what, I'll be a kind of an old sage,
a lazy old sage... Lazy, yeah.
..who sits back and watches everything unfold. OK.
And I'll be called something mysterious like Zahut.
OK. Pete Zahut.
OK. So, ladies and gentlemen,
it's Saucers For Cups.
Yeah, I tell you what, it's a good name - Saucers For Cups -
but tighten it up a bit.
Yeah? Forget the Saucers, get rid of the Saucers.
Get rid of the Saucers. Get rid of the Saucers. Yeah.
So, ladies and gentlemen, For Cups!
LAUGHTER
FUTURISTIC SOUND EFFECTS
Open emergency channels.
Only use emergency frequencies.
Emergency. Emergency.
Earth Alliance calling.
This is Domino.
Papa John and Pete Zahut.
Emergency.
Hold on.
I see what you've done.
Papa John's, Pizza Hut and Domino's.
Yeah. You've basically made this into a pizza advert.
I'm sorry. Coming out here...
I'm sorry!
Pizzas were on my mind. I wanted to go home and have a pizza,
and watch Bad Santa 2.
You should be concentrating.
Can you make a little bit of a bloody effort?
I'm not making enough effort?
No, take the smile off your face. This is serious business.
Have you got a mint?
Help me out with this.
It ain't going great. LAUGHTER
Right, hold on a minute.
Right, I'm not using any of them names
but what I do need to do is think of, like, a rendezvous zone?
Somewhere where they all meet up? Where they can all meet up, yeah.
Some zone.
Why don't you try some somewhere mysterious like in Japan? Inshu!
Inshu. Thank you.
So, they all meet there.
Domino's story continues.
OK. Go on.
FUTURISTIC SOUND EFFECTS
Rendezvous Inshu zone.
LAUGHTER
Rendezvous Inshu zone.
Stop it. Stop it.
Shoe Zone?
Yeah.
So now I'm making an advert for a budget shoe outlet?
Yeah? Yeah.
Forget it. Right. That's the end of it.
That's the end of Domino's story, Vic.
Honestly. And do you know what?
Actually, a budget shoe outlet
wouldn't have been a bad place for a rendezvous zone.
Think around that, son.
I will. Think around that.
I'm starting to think about it.
Well, there we are, Saucers For Cups.
And I must stress that this is very much Bob's idea.
I wish him all the best with it.
But you know what?
It is what it is.
Our rural brothers need help, too.
That's why we've come to a rural environment
to create protest
through jumping out of the environment!
Check out all this capitalist debris.
HE RETCHES
Let's clean out the guttering of the poor people's houses
so that the flow is free and constant.
Getting rid of postcodes once and for all.
Up goes the taxes.
HE WAILS
Did you see that? Check it out.
Bollards, graffiti, tyres.
I took my mum's knickers out of her drawer
and threw them on the lawn,
and that's going to teach her to take the PS2 for the night.
Yeah, say you're marching in protest against community cuts,
just put this on and they won't know who the fuck you are.
I got my girlfriend pregnant twice in the same night.
It's incredible!
I could cry! It's amazing!
Incredible! Yes!
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
Right. Let's take a trip to Novelty Island.
CHEERING
PHONE RINGS
OK. Here we are. Novelty Island.
Here's the paddock,
and we're going to see three marvellous turns,
going to do the spots in the paddock tonight.
And the first turn we're going to see is Toby Brewster.
He likes his baked beans near him at the dinner table.
If they're too far away from him,
he says he just can't reach.
So, here he is.
Please give a warm welcome to Toby Brewster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi. Hi.
Lovely to meet you. Toby Brewster here.
Hi, how do you do?
I'm Toby Brewster, like.
You know, I want to come here tonight
to recreate the goal I scored in the cup final
against Stockton-On-Tees.
LAUGHTER
Wow. Hey. Do you ken Toby Baxter, the wee Geordie lad?
The best centre forward
that the Morpeth ever had?
Kick. Head. Smoke.
Aye.
So let's have a look at this. Go on, Baxter!
Are you going to do your legendary strike?
Aye, I'd like to do my legendary strike now.
Is it all right if I pop...?
Come out there.
If I pop out.
Come on. Pop out there. Can I pop out?
I'd like to pop out of the paddock, like.
Go on. There you go. OK.
Now, I've got to be honest with you.
It's Toby Baxter, by the way.
All right, Toby.
I've got to be honest with you, right.
My spatial awareness is shot to shit these days, like.
Quite a boast.
So, anyway, I can't remember the day pretty well, like.
The cross came in from the left - or the right, I can't remember.
I think it was Mick Woodward.
"Toby, get to the ball!" I did.
Bang!
Hold, hold, hold.
In the back of the net.
Kick, head, smoke.
That's me, yeah.
That's what happened.
Toby Baxter.
I need that stuff for the hostel, like.
CHEERING
Toby Brewster, ladies and gentlemen.
"What a turn. What a turn.
"Quite a boast."
Act number two in the Novelty Island paddock
is Lazy John Apples, Berries and Banana Man.
Quite a mouthful, literally.
He sits at home all day watching Nickelodeon
and eating chickpeas straight from the tin.
And he once got pissed in Pakistan.
"Quite a boast."
Here he is - Lazy John Apples, Berries and Bananas Man.
Get in, Lazy John.
Hiya. Hello. How are you doing?
I'm all right. Yeah. Are you? Good.
So, what are you going to do for us tonight?
I've got a cat that I've fed on nowt but mayonnaise for 15 years.
It's in me sports bag.
Do you want to see it?
I'm not that bothered, to be honest.
I'm not really that interested, I don't know if anyone else...
Is anyone interested?
MUTTERING
No, no-one's interested.
I withdraw it from the competition then.
Yeah, I think it's probably wise to, yeah.
I'll tell you what. Look, I think this is your application form here.
Take that into reception
and you should get some of your money back.
Anyway.
Good luck to you.
Well, I'll see you later.
You did this.
LAUGHTER
See you, John.
Lazy John. Bye.
Very sad. And the final turn tonight
in the Novelty Island paddock -
ladies and gentlemen, it's Bill Decker.
All right, Bill?
My name is Bill Decker and I'm a murderer.
Bill Decker. Who's this?
That's my wife, Joan.
What's your name? Joan.
My wife, Joan.
She accompanies me on all my murders.
Yeah. So I thought she could come here,
add a little bit of, you know, sex appeal. Lovely.
She's got her cloth on.
LAUGHTER
She's a good girl. She really is.
So, what is it you're going to do for us tonight?
Tonight, I'm going to present
a short excerpt from my new musical
Murder Makes Me Happy.
It's A Funny Old Murder. It's A Funny Old Murder.
I co-wrote it with Joan.
Didn't I, Joan?
JOAN GRUNTS
So, in this particular excerpt I'll be presenting,
I'm demonstrating methods of murder I have used.
HE RASPS
OK.
OK, then. Music, please. OK.
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
The pistol.
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much. Bill Decker! Come on, Joan. And Joan.
Well, there we are, the three turns that were on
the Novelty Island paddock area -
and, to judge them, please welcome the soul diva Chaka Khan.
And there she is.
Chaka Khan just recently returned from a tour
of the Scottish Isles.
So, Chaka, who is the winning act?
Was it...?
Was it number one?
No.
Was it act number two?
No.
Was it act...?
It probably is, then.
Act number three.
CHEERING
Act number three, it's Bill Decker.
CHEERING
'Ey up. Who's there then?
It's me, Superman.
Oh, right. All right, Supesy?
My wife reckons I don't give her enough privacy, like.
Oh, aye. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, at least that's what it says in her diary.
LAUGHTER
Oh-ho! Oh, that's a good one.
Oh!
FANFARE, WATER SPLASHES
That's shifted it. Thanks, Bats.
FLUSHING
Aye, that's what I'm here for. See you, then.
# It's a kind of magic
# One dream, one soul
# One prize, one goal
# One golden glance
# Of what should be
# It's a kind of magic
# The waiting seems eternity
# The day will dawn of sanity
# Is this a kind of magic?
# It's a kind of magic
# There can be only one
# Will soon be done
# This flame that burns inside of me
# I'm hearing secret harmonies
# The bell that rings inside your mind
# Is challenging the doors of time
# It's a kind of magic
QUEEN TRACK STOPS, RECORDER MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER
QUEEN TRACK RESUMES
DRONING
Pull it quicker, man, pull it quicker!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And that's...magic!
It's a kind of magic!
Thank you.
That was... Hold on!
Blimey! I thought it was George Clooney.
No.
You crept up on me then.
I think that's the end of the show.
Say our farewells.
All that remains is for us to sing our goodbye song.
But if it's not your cup of tea, Vaun's going to be over there
and he's going to be having some thoughts.
A couple of thoughts...
Don't know what he's thinking.
He might be thinking about setting up a rescue centre.
Something like that. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen,
and thanks for having us.
APPLAUSE
# You can do it if you really want Hey!
# You can do it if you really want
# Pick a fight with Mary Berry
# Set fire to a horse and cart
# Standing in a puddle shouting "USA!"
# Wood chip, wood chip
# What a lovely ice cream!
# You can do it if you really want
Come on!
# You can do it if you really want
Hey!
# You can do it if you really want Do you wanna?!
That means you!
# You can do it if you really want Yeah! Do you want to?
# You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want. #
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen!
CHEERING
So, Vaun, are you going to open that centre?
Na. No! I'm not going to bother, no.
No. No, no, no.
No. Goodnight! No. No, no, no.