1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,040 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:19,680 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Vic And Bob's Big Night Out. 4 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,560 Fact. 5 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:34,600 # Bono's in his house, cooking up some pork 6 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,960 # On his phone to the Pope when his house went up in smoke 7 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,440 # Bono's in his house, cooking up some pork 8 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:46,600 # On his phone to the Pope when his house went up in smoke 9 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:50,680 # Yeah, cooking up some pork, when his house went up in smoke. # 10 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,360 BOTH: Whoa... 12 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,840 Evening, ladies and gentlemen! 13 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:05,120 Wham, bam, we are two men. 14 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,920 Two men! 15 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,160 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Evening. 16 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,880 It is so nice to be here in London, isn't it? Yeah, isn't it? 17 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:16,160 Yeah, I went down to Piccadilly Circus to see the doctor there. 18 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,320 Yeah. He diagnosed me with hypochondria. 19 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:22,200 I said, "Oh, not that as well!" 20 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,960 HE PLAYS SURPRISINGLY TUNEFUL TUNE 21 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:31,080 I put so much petrol in me car last night, I couldn't get in it. 22 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:38,080 HE PLAYS "SPANISH FLEA" 23 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,560 BOB GROANS 24 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,680 I was driving down the M1 yesterday. Were you? Yeah. 25 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,760 And I saw a new potato on the road. 26 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,000 Did you? 27 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,280 Yeah! 28 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,280 Well, new to me, anyway. 29 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,600 Yeah. 30 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,320 It stinks! 31 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,640 I'll just brush that one away, Vic. 32 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,880 Well, it was new to me, anyway. 33 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,800 Yeah, get rid of that one. Yeah, that's gone, sorry about that. 34 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,360 Yeah, well, it was actually an old potato to me, 35 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:11,080 because I was driving behind you when you threw it out the window. 36 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,720 HORN HONKS I'll push that one away as well. 37 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,880 That one, get out. Get out. BOB BLOWS 38 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,520 Get out, don't come back. 39 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,120 I poured me cat out some milk this morning. 40 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,760 I don't know how it got in there. 41 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,440 Oh, fly spray! 42 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:26,960 Fly spray! 43 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,000 Flies! 44 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,840 Flies, grab, grab, fly, eat, progress. 45 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,080 Do you want to hear a funny story about fly spray? 46 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:36,200 Yes! 47 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,800 I do too. Do you know any? 48 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,040 VIC LAUGHS 49 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,680 Yeah? That's good! 50 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,320 Oh, sorry. 51 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,320 HORN HONKS 52 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:48,840 Sorry! 53 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,480 HORN HONKS 54 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,200 APPLAUSE 55 00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,200 Me wife... 56 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,640 Me wife said to me this morning, "What about breakfast in bed?" 57 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,040 I said, "I'd much rather do it in the kitchen." 58 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,880 HE BEATBOXES 59 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,800 Wow! Yeah? 60 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,680 I didn't know you could beatbox. 61 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,200 How do you actually do that? 62 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,400 TINY VIC PLAYS BEAT 63 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,480 You see him? 64 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:28,680 Amazing. 65 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,800 Oh, hang on. Oh, you swallowed him? 66 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,320 TINY VIC PLAYS MUFFLED BEAT 67 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,360 Swallowed him. 68 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,760 RUMBLE, CYMBAL STRIKES 69 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,880 That's got him. That's done the trick. 70 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:43,200 APPLAUSE 71 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,320 Chh-ka! 72 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,120 We are here in a more rural environment today, 73 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,560 jumping the fuck out of it. 74 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,200 Let's free run, come on. 75 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,400 Why don't we have long thin buses 76 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,000 so that you never have to sit next to a Tory? 77 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,520 Hey, that's right! 78 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,160 Come on! Hey, did you catch that? 79 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,920 My bedroom absolutely stinks. 80 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,480 I really don't let Nanny anywhere near it, it's awful. 81 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,760 Check out our float for the community protest next week. 82 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,520 And what are we going to shout, Kieran? 83 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:37,000 Down with all the Governments, especially the ones abroad. 84 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,360 Well, can you shout it, like at a protest? 85 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:40,840 All right, then! 86 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,680 SHOUTS: Down with all the Governments, 87 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,480 especially the ones that are abroad! 88 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,960 Do you see what he's doing? 89 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,640 He's throwing oppression out of the well of hate, 90 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,680 you know, that we all know is there. 91 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,280 There's a big difference between prawns and langoustines. 92 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,080 All stockbrokers are cretins. 93 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,720 At least mine is, the stupid bitch. 94 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,320 Get in! 95 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,320 I once had it off in a Spanish phone booth, 96 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,040 with a guy. 97 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,360 How was it? 98 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:30,800 Felt good. 99 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,400 It's amazing! 100 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,920 It's amazing! It's amazing! 101 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,040 This is the four pillars of oppression. 102 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,960 The government, parliament, the local council... 103 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,280 And the swimming baths. 104 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,800 And the swimming baths. Come on, let's jump them. 105 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,000 Yeah! Get in! 106 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,160 What you doing, Vic? 107 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,120 Writing a poem. You know, like John Donne. 108 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,600 Oh, yeah. Writing a poem. 109 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,960 Can I hear your poem? No! 110 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,280 Oh, go on, let me hear it. 111 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:22,880 It was really nice by the river. 112 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,480 There was some leaves, and very little dog dirt. 113 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,520 It's... 114 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,600 It's really... Nice, isn't it? 115 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,040 It's a really nice poem. 116 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,800 "There was very little dog dirt," there was a bit of dog dirt. 117 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,760 A little bit, yeah. 118 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,760 No, it's good work, I really like it. Thank you. 119 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,040 Anyway, Vic, would you... What's transpiring here? 120 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,600 ..just check this look out for me? 121 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,880 Whoa! What do you think of me new wig? 122 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,080 I like it a lot. Do you really? 123 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,200 Yeah, I do, actually. 124 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,000 Can you tell what look it was I was actually going for? 125 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,960 I don't want to say, but... 126 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,200 ..train driver? 127 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,280 Yeah, that's exactly it! 128 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,480 Is it? Train driver, railway engineer. 129 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,160 Because you're going to the awards ceremony tonight, aren't you? 130 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,120 I am, yes, and I'm on the LNER table. 131 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,760 What are the awards for? 132 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,320 What's the awards for? Yeah. 133 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:10,840 It's Watering Can Of The Year. 134 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,560 Yeah. 135 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:14,800 And you're on the LNER...? 136 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,040 Table. I tell you what, it's good. 137 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,520 You do look quite like a train driver, but let me just add to it... 138 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,160 Finishing touches. Finishing touches. Thank you so much. 139 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,760 Now, this is going to make you look properly like a train driver. 140 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,960 Thank you. Just a touch there. 141 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,480 That's it. This is real hair. 142 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,680 A couple of eyebrows, I think, there. 143 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,080 In the new style, like the ladies like to. 144 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,400 Just pop that on there, that looks good. 145 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,120 You're so talented. 146 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,320 I know. And finally, that. 147 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:46,840 Now that's a train driver. 148 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,920 APPLAUSE 149 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,560 Thanks, Vic. 150 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,800 Choo-choo! Choo-choo! 151 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,680 CHEERING 152 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,360 Have you got a train ticket to Scarborough one way? 153 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,720 It works! It works! See? 154 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,120 I'm not a train driver, it's just me! 155 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,720 What are you doing, anyway? 156 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,960 Making jokes up, having a daft laugh and that, messing about? 157 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,040 Something like that, yeah. Pretty much, yeah. 158 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,120 This is one of your big jokes, is it? 159 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,440 That's our main joke, yeah. 160 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,520 Oh, you've bust it now! You've broken it now! 161 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,200 Vaun, man! 162 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,960 It was only supposed to come up once! 163 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,440 You've ruined it now, haven't you? 164 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,240 What are we going to do now? That was our main joke. 165 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,200 Vaun! VIC GROANS 166 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,760 Go on, clear off. 167 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,600 I tell you what, here, have a toffee. 168 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,040 Go on. 169 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,360 Have you got nothing for me, like? 170 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,520 No. 171 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,120 What are we going to do now that...? 172 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,680 Now that our main joke's gone. ..our main joke's gone, yeah. 173 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:04,120 I mean, maybe, you know, we could just hope that it's back. 174 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,120 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! 175 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,520 BOTH LAUGH DISPROPORTIONATELY 176 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,040 We've got a show! 177 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,840 They love it! Yeah! 178 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,960 Hey up, who's in there, then? 179 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:32,960 It's me, Tony Stark, billionaire industrialist, or Iron Man. 180 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,240 You all right, Bats? Aye, all right. 181 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,120 Anyway, listen, my milkman told me 182 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,040 he's had rumpy pumpy with every woman on our round, 183 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,120 bar one. The dirty bastard. 184 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,880 Yeah, I know. I told the wife, she said, 185 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:49,880 "I bet it's that bug-eyed lass, you know, at number 45." 186 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,360 Aye. 187 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,480 Whoa! So that means that it's your wife that's... 188 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:57,800 No, no, it's just a joke, man! 189 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,000 IRON MAN LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY 190 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,320 LOUD SPLASH 191 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,800 Oh, that shifted it. 192 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,240 Whoa, that sounded like a block of pig iron or something. 193 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,080 Looking at it now, you're not far off. 194 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,880 It's a fucking ingot. 195 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,480 Anyway, thanks, Bats. No worries, always here. 196 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,440 TOILET FLUSHES See you, then. 197 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:26,200 COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS 198 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:32,080 # He looks good in anything 199 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,040 # But he likes to look at everything he sees 200 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:38,680 # With those over-my-shoulder, come-on-over blue eyes 201 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:43,400 # Hey, what did I just say? 202 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,480 # He never listens to me anyway 203 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:49,520 # So why do I even waste my breath and try? 204 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,360 # Then he takes me in his arms 205 00:10:54,960 --> 00:11:00,880 # While winking at the waitress 206 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,880 # More trouble than he's worth 207 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,880 # More trouble than he's worth 208 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:15,120 # Irreconcilable differences, I think that we can make it work 209 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,840 # He's just more trouble than he's worth... # 210 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:35,520 EXAGGERATED STOMACH RUMBLES 211 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:49,560 # More trouble than he's worth 212 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,440 # More trouble than he's worth 213 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,760 # More trouble than he's worth. # 214 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,680 COCKNEY ACCENT: Well, we was out filming for Sir David Attenborough, 215 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:17,080 out in Africa. Somewhere hot and sticky, 216 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,800 like a Tesco bakery, 217 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,120 and let me tell you, them ovens are hot. 218 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,040 Oh, yeah! Yeah. 219 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:28,440 Anyway, we was out there, David, he says, "I want you two clowns 220 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,800 "to get out there and film this new species. 221 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,440 "It's a new creature we ain't never filmed before, 222 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,960 "and I want it in all the footage, and all that stuff." 223 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,400 That's right! 224 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:41,680 So I says, "David, would you be so kind as to describe it for us?" 225 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:47,240 He says, "Well, it's long and grim, it's got slime and tufts, 226 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:50,120 "and maybe an 'orn, and all manner of nonsense 227 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,840 "that you get on them animal things." Oh, yeah. 228 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:56,800 Anyway, David, he's all lovely and cosied up in his air-conditioned 229 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,600 hotel room with his cream buns and his crackers and his cold cuts 230 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,520 and his cocoa, watching back-to-back MacGyver. 231 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,160 Oh, yeah! And we're out there in the field. 232 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,880 So we're setting up, all the cameras are set up, 233 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,080 then we promptly fall asleep. 234 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:15,240 Anyway, next thing I hear, is, it's Mick here. 235 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:18,720 He says, "Wake up, Kermit, it's here." 236 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:22,320 And there it was, this horrible thing with an 'orn on it. 237 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:26,000 Anyway, I rings up, I gets on the blower, I says, "David, 238 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,520 "you've got to get down here pronto, mate, it's here." 239 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,840 Next thing we know, he's tearing across the plain 240 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,880 in his Range Rover... His Land Rover... 241 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,040 His Range... His Land Rover Discovery... 242 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,480 Oh, yeah! ..driving like a nutter! 243 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:44,520 Ha-ha! Fucking nutter! 244 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,160 Driving like a nutter. 245 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,960 "Slow down, David," we say, 246 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,720 "slow down, you'll do yourself an injury." 247 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,960 Then, bang, he hit it. 248 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,560 There was blood and guts and slime 249 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:58,240 and all manner of things all over the place. 250 00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,360 Oh, yeah. 251 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,680 "David, what have you done?" 252 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,400 And that was Mick, and he don't say much. 253 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,040 Oh, yeah. 254 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:09,440 He gets out of his Range Rover Land Rover Range Rover Discovery, 255 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,080 steps out of it, clearly been at the Moloko jungle bar. 256 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,720 Oh, yeah. 257 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:19,800 He says, "Right, you two, you say nothing or my name is shit." 258 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,920 Anyway, it all turned out all right, 259 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:26,720 because we cooked it up in some of the jungle leaves with 260 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,400 the grubs and shit and all that, and it was absolutely delicious. 261 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:35,840 And as dawn broke, all that was left was some bones and teeth 262 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,360 and a shirt. 263 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,080 And that, my friends, 264 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:44,800 is how we lost our director, David Peacock, God rest his soul. 265 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,480 Oh, yeah. 266 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,080 APPLAUSE 267 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,040 Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. 268 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,080 And now it's time for the kind of centrepiece of the show. 269 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:04,520 I'm going to be singing a beautiful heartbreaking ballad. 270 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,200 Is it Saucers For Cups? 271 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,240 No, it's not Saucers For Cups. 272 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,600 Oh, come on. 273 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,960 It's associated with Saucers For Cups, right? 274 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,320 But I'm not singing Saucers For Cups, because you'll say, 275 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,320 "Drop the saucers," and make me say, "Fuck-ups." 276 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,200 That's what you're going to do, so no, no. 277 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,880 I am an anonymous mysterious balladeer. 278 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,640 It's all good, and I like the jacket. 279 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,760 Do you like it? What's it, light entertainment? 280 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,240 No, it's more like Las Vegas. 281 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:32,880 More like Las Century! 282 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,800 Sorry, what did you say? I didn't say anything. 283 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,120 I tell you what, it might be good if you buttoned it up. 284 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:39,120 You reckon? Yeah, that would look cool. 285 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:44,600 Yeah, I like it... 286 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,920 Just casual. I like it free, you know what I mean? 287 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:48,880 So, come on, let's hear your song, then. 288 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,560 Yeah, it's a song that came out of a rather difficult relationship 289 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,040 I had, had its ups and downs... 290 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,560 I tell you what would be good. Yeah? Rather than you stood up, 291 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,400 like a balladeer... No, I'm standing up. 292 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,440 ..sit on a stool, there's one here. 293 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,600 You sit on that, it'll look a lot better. 294 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,200 You know, like Todd Rundgren or Elton John or something. 295 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,400 OK. You sure? 296 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,600 Oh, like Elton John, I'm with you. 297 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,600 So... That's it! ..ladies and gentlemen... 298 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,280 Looking good. ..it's a song, it was a difficult relationship. 299 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,680 It's a very emotional tune. 300 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,400 You may cry, and that's absolutely fine. 301 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,880 Absolutely fine to cry. 302 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,480 There are tissues in the foyer. 303 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,240 Before we start, there is something that Vic needs to do. 304 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,120 Ah, yeah. Vic, smoke. 305 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,000 Yeah, I know what you mean, I'll get the smoke machine out. 306 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,720 Get the smoke machine. Our relationship had its ups and downs. 307 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,880 Here we go. Right, now, here it is. 308 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:39,880 Now... 309 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,240 My, blimey. 310 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,800 This will make it look really good. 311 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,600 It's quite an old unit, would you say? Yeah. 312 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,800 Last time we used this was Hawkwind, 1972. 313 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,560 Oh, righty-ho. But it still works all right. 314 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:55,040 Yeah, it looks like it could pump out some shite, that. 315 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,000 When you're ready, I'll just turn it on. 316 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,240 Ready when you are, sir. 317 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,800 MACHINE SPLUTTERS INTO LIFE 318 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,880 Ready to go, yeah? 319 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,280 Let's get the smoke going first. 320 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,960 Come on, here we go. Smoke machine, go! 321 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,400 MACHINE GURGLES 322 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,720 It's a very low, flat sort of smoke, isn't it? 323 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,320 Yeah, it's hardened up a bit, innit? 324 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,760 Do you want to bother with the smoke machine, then, or not? 325 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,640 No, I'll leave it, thank you, turn it off. 326 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,080 I'll just pause it, stop it. 327 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,360 MACHINE GURGLES 328 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,400 Whenever you're ready. 329 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:41,320 Ladies and gentlemen, Baby Girl. 330 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:53,480 # Baby girl, run your fingers through my hair... # 331 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,680 What's left of it. 332 00:17:55,680 --> 00:18:01,880 # Baby girl, put your hands round my waist... # 333 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,720 That's quite a stretch. 334 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:10,840 # Baby girl, will you help me clean my teeth? # 335 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,720 You'll find them in a cup by the bed. 336 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:18,280 # Baby girl, let's go for a walk... # 337 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,880 You can push the chair. 338 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,720 # Baby girl, let's then go for a meal... # 339 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,200 You can mash up the food so it's nice and soft. 340 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:37,280 # Baby girl, whisper things in my ear... # 341 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:40,360 The left one, that's the good one. 342 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:44,600 # And then, when it's time for bed. 343 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,960 # After Escape To The Country 344 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,600 # We'll climb up the stairs... # 345 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,360 You mean, you can strap him into the Stannah stairlift! 346 00:18:58,320 --> 00:18:59,480 Excuse me, hey. 347 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,680 Argh! Hey, whoa! 348 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,840 Hold on, have you been saying things into that camera ever since I...? 349 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,760 No. Yes, you have, haven't you? 350 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,720 I've just been sitting here, looking at me hand. 351 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,040 No, you haven't! 352 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,680 You've been undermining me beautiful song! 353 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,360 I wondered why they weren't crying. 354 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:16,720 I'm sorry. 355 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:20,400 No, I am not playing with you ever again. 356 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:29,080 Well, that looks like it's the end of Fuck-Ups. 357 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:35,080 So, anyway, everyone, look at me, I am the best, yeah, yeah, yeah! 358 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:39,160 Whoo-hoo-hoo! I know every country in the UK! 359 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,280 England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales, I know everything! 360 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,920 Introducing the Frank Roddam Audioboot. 361 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:55,760 It's analogue, so suitable for old non-digital UK residents. 362 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,440 Simply take your cassette, insert it into the heel, 363 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,720 and fill your face with the wonderful sounds of, eg, 364 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,960 a babbling brook or a coastal village. 365 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,560 Here's my brother Richard, 366 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,960 enjoying the sounds of Norfolk farm machinery. 367 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,520 FARM MACHINERY SOUNDS 368 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,760 Does it help with the anger management, Richard? 369 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,080 Yeah! 370 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:18,840 I guess it does! 371 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,920 And if you order by Friday, 372 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,320 I'll send you this crazy comical character. 373 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,040 HE LAUGHS MANICALLY 374 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:29,800 It's a trogg. 375 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,440 Don't delay, order today. 376 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,560 Mail order only, of course. 377 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,440 Don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen, 378 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,960 but about this time of night, I generally like to just 379 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,640 spread a little bit of toothpaste on a Dustbuster. 380 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,880 You're wonderful, you're beautiful... 381 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,680 ROUSING MUSIC PLAYS ..you're inspirational, 382 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:04,800 you're everything I need, every single day. 383 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,880 You're my reason for living. 384 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,480 You are bacon. 385 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,160 APPLAUSE 386 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,080 SHOES PING, THUD 387 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:23,880 Ladies and gentlemen, the man with the stick. 388 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 389 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:34,320 MUSIC: All Sports March, by Robert Farnon 390 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,600 There he is, ladies and gentlemen, the man with the stick. 391 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,520 And what do we cry when we see the man with the stick? 392 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,120 What's on the end of the stick, Vic? 393 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,360 What's on the end of the stick? 394 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,240 Are you going to reveal it? 395 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,080 No, didn't think you were. 396 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:56,720 Park your stick down. 397 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,360 That's it, get it down. 398 00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,760 Make sure it don't fly away. Make sure it don't fly away. 399 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,480 And come over here, let's have a look at your helmet. 400 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,280 Wow! 401 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,040 Some of the things... Yes, what have you been looking at this week? 402 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,480 Let's have a look. 403 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,560 Paul Weller and the lads from The Jam 404 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,440 boiling up some eggs near the bus depot. 405 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,200 That's that. 406 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,840 Calvin Harris having a dump into his pencil case. 407 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,640 Harry Redknapp cleaning his b... 408 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,760 Harry Redknapp cleaning his balls in the sink. 409 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:34,040 And look at him! There they are! 410 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,280 The back, let's have a look at the back. 411 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,360 Whoa, that's an impressive sketch. 412 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,520 Who's that? 413 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,280 Oh, it's Smokey Robinson And The Miracles 414 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,800 being hijacked in a Hillman Avenger. 415 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,240 Yeah! 416 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,760 I wonder who was hijacking them. 417 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:56,000 Well, I think it was the bloke out of Black Sabbath. 418 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,440 He's the singer, I think. 419 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:58,720 Yeah? Is he? 420 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,080 No, Ozzy. 421 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,920 RELUCTANT APPLAUSE 422 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,600 Yeah, thank you. 423 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,880 We still have a good laugh. We still have a good repertoire. 424 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:13,840 A good repertoire, yeah. Did you see the nice drawing on the back? 425 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,040 Yeah. It's not like the normal ones, is it? Yeah. 426 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,800 I did it with me foot. 427 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:22,320 So, you, you all right? Yeah, all right, how are you doing? 428 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,280 Not too bad. The big thing in my life is 429 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,760 I've got back in touch with me good mate Terry. 430 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,040 Oh! Good laugh, Terry. 431 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,720 Good laugh, Terry. The times we have, honestly. 432 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:33,160 Last week, we went to... 433 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,120 He said, "Let's go to the river bank. 434 00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:38,480 "Let's go to the river bank..." The river bank? 435 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,680 "..the river bank, and eat a nice big tin of crab meat." 436 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:43,160 Lovely, mm. 437 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,200 Lovely. That's typical Terry, that, thinking of something like that. 438 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:50,240 So we get to the river bank, I can't find the tin opener. 439 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,120 My responsibility. 440 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:55,560 Oh, man, he must have been angry. So Terry's furious, yeah? 441 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,760 I bet he was. He lamps me, he pulls out a load of me hair, 442 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:03,320 bites me, gets a branch and smashes me arse till it bleeds. 443 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,680 I can't blame him. Yeah, I can't blame him either. 444 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,240 I should have had the tin opener. Yeah. I'd have done the same. 445 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,880 Later, when I'm in hospital, they give me my stuff back. 446 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,000 Yeah. There it is, the tin opener. 447 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,400 It was there all along. It was there all along. 448 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,480 Well, he is effin furious. 449 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:19,920 I bet he was, yeah. 450 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:24,000 Furious, goes straight at me kidney with a claw hammer. 451 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,720 Put a load of something in me eye that stung. 452 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,920 Anyway, but it's lovely to see you. Yeah, you too. 453 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,080 And I don't want to take up a lot of your time. 454 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,480 Oh, that's it, yes, it was piss. 455 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,360 Typical Terry! 456 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,520 Typical Terry. Yeah. 457 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,720 But, you know, the laughs we have now. 458 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:44,040 He's a good laugh, isn't he? 459 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:48,280 I won't remember the injuries, I'll just remember the laughs. 460 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:49,720 All the laughs. 461 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,080 Hey, Vic, I just wanted to ask you whilst I've got you. Yeah? 462 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,520 Are you still blocking up your neighbour's drainpipe 463 00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:58,360 with those genetically-bent saveloys? 464 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,640 I just wondered, like. 465 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,200 I just wondered. 466 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,840 You had to mention that, didn't you? 467 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,400 You had to mention me genetically-bent saveloys scam. 468 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,560 I just wondered... You had to mention it, didn't you? 469 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:18,560 I just... You wouldn't let it lie. You wouldn't let it lie. 470 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,000 I would have let it lie! You wouldn't let it lie! 471 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,440 I would have let it lie! But you didn't let it lie! 472 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,760 I didn't even know! You didn't let it lie! 473 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,360 I would have let it lie! You didn't let it lie! 474 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,440 Get out. Here's the door. I would have... 475 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:34,120 Take your stick, and get out. 476 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:35,320 I would have let it lie. 477 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:38,000 Get out! Just get out! Get out! 478 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,480 APPLAUSE 479 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,480 Ladies and gentlemen... 480 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:52,600 That's the end of the show, 481 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:56,280 and I do believe we've reached a satisfactory conclusion. 482 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,160 Vic, you know the wig you gave me for the award ceremony? 483 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,360 That one that... Yes. 484 00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:03,480 I lost it. It didn't creep off, did it? 485 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,560 I can't go like this, can I? Did it escape? Yeah. 486 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,200 Is there any way you can help me out with a new look or anything? 487 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,680 Well, try this, just try my wig out here. 488 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,160 Ooh, that IS nice. I tell you what. That's real hair, innit? 489 00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,600 Let's give the ladies and gentlemen, the boys and girls, lord mayor, 490 00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,560 a surprise. I'll hide you behind a towel... 491 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:22,320 And reveal it! And you can reveal it as you come out. 492 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,600 I would love to do that. Yeah, come on. 493 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:25,680 How exciting! 494 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:27,720 I just happen to have a towel here. 495 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,480 There we are. Yeah. 496 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,080 You put it on... Right, and... 497 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:32,120 And then raise it... 498 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,080 And then raise up into it. 499 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:35,840 Ready? Yeah. Go! 500 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,880 Beautiful. 501 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,880 Do they like it? Yeah, they love it. 502 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,440 They like it! They like it, they love it! 503 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:48,240 Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to sing our final song now. 504 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,360 If it's not your cup of tea, don't worry, 505 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:53,080 because Vaun's going to be over there, you can look at him instead. 506 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,680 He's staring at a gammon joint. 507 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,280 OK, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight! 508 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,760 # You can do it if you really want 509 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,720 # You can do it if you really want 510 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,960 # You can do it if you really want 511 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,400 # You can do it if you really want 512 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,800 # Ride a lion over very rough ground 513 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,200 # Topless lads on a long haul flight 514 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:30,320 # Make love to a very old tiger 515 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,320 # Bumbag, bumbag, one, two, three 516 00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:36,800 # You can do it if you really want 517 00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:40,080 # You can do it if you really want 518 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,480 # You can do it if you really want 519 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:46,920 # You can do it if you really want 520 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,240 # Come on! 521 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,400 # You can do it if you really want 522 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,800 # You can do it if you really want... # 523 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,840 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your attention... 524 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,160 # You can do it if you really want. # 525 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:01,520 ..and goodnight. 526 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:09,480 You going to have it, then? 527 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:10,880 Raw. 528 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:12,720 Have it raw. Raw. 529 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:14,840 Have it raw. Raw. 530 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:19,120 Goodnight!