This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Vic And Bob's Big Night Out.
Fact.
# Bono's in his house, cooking up some pork
# On his phone to the Pope when his house went up in smoke
# Bono's in his house, cooking up some pork
# On his phone to the Pope when his house went up in smoke
# Yeah, cooking up some pork, when his house went up in smoke. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BOTH: Whoa...
Evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Wham, bam, we are two men.
Two men!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Evening.
It is so nice to be here in London, isn't it? Yeah, isn't it?
Yeah, I went down to Piccadilly Circus to see the doctor there.
Yeah. He diagnosed me with hypochondria.
I said, "Oh, not that as well!"
HE PLAYS SURPRISINGLY TUNEFUL TUNE
I put so much petrol in me car last night, I couldn't get in it.
HE PLAYS "SPANISH FLEA"
BOB GROANS
I was driving down the M1 yesterday. Were you? Yeah.
And I saw a new potato on the road.
Did you?
Yeah!
Well, new to me, anyway.
Yeah.
It stinks!
I'll just brush that one away, Vic.
Well, it was new to me, anyway.
Yeah, get rid of that one. Yeah, that's gone, sorry about that.
Yeah, well, it was actually an old potato to me,
because I was driving behind you when you threw it out the window.
HORN HONKS I'll push that one away as well.
That one, get out. Get out. BOB BLOWS
Get out, don't come back.
I poured me cat out some milk this morning.
I don't know how it got in there.
Oh, fly spray!
Fly spray!
Flies!
Flies, grab, grab, fly, eat, progress.
Do you want to hear a funny story about fly spray?
Yes!
I do too. Do you know any?
VIC LAUGHS
Yeah? That's good!
Oh, sorry.
HORN HONKS
Sorry!
HORN HONKS
APPLAUSE
Me wife...
Me wife said to me this morning, "What about breakfast in bed?"
I said, "I'd much rather do it in the kitchen."
HE BEATBOXES
Wow! Yeah?
I didn't know you could beatbox.
How do you actually do that?
TINY VIC PLAYS BEAT
You see him?
Amazing.
Oh, hang on. Oh, you swallowed him?
TINY VIC PLAYS MUFFLED BEAT
Swallowed him.
RUMBLE, CYMBAL STRIKES
That's got him. That's done the trick.
APPLAUSE
Chh-ka!
We are here in a more rural environment today,
jumping the fuck out of it.
Let's free run, come on.
Why don't we have long thin buses
so that you never have to sit next to a Tory?
Hey, that's right!
Come on! Hey, did you catch that?
My bedroom absolutely stinks.
I really don't let Nanny anywhere near it, it's awful.
Check out our float for the community protest next week.
And what are we going to shout, Kieran?
Down with all the Governments, especially the ones abroad.
Well, can you shout it, like at a protest?
All right, then!
SHOUTS: Down with all the Governments,
especially the ones that are abroad!
Do you see what he's doing?
He's throwing oppression out of the well of hate,
you know, that we all know is there.
There's a big difference between prawns and langoustines.
All stockbrokers are cretins.
At least mine is, the stupid bitch.
Get in!
I once had it off in a Spanish phone booth,
with a guy.
How was it?
Felt good.
It's amazing!
It's amazing! It's amazing!
This is the four pillars of oppression.
The government, parliament, the local council...
And the swimming baths.
Come on, let's jump them.
Yeah! Get in!
What you doing, Vic?
Writing a poem. You know, like John Donne.
Oh, yeah. Writing a poem.
Can I hear your poem? No!
Oh, go on, let me hear it.
It was really nice by the river.
There was some leaves, and very little dog dirt.
It's...
It's really... Nice, isn't it?
It's a really nice poem.
"There was very little dog dirt," there was a bit of dog dirt.
A little bit, yeah.
No, it's good work, I really like it. Thank you.
Anyway, Vic, would you... What's transpiring here?
..just check this look out for me?
Whoa! What do you think of me new wig?
I like it a lot. Do you really?
Yeah, I do, actually.
Can you tell what look it was I was actually going for?
I don't want to say, but...
..train driver?
Yeah, that's exactly it!
Is it? Train driver, railway engineer.
Because you're going to the awards ceremony tonight, aren't you?
I am, yes, and I'm on the LNER table.
What are the awards for?
What's the awards for? Yeah.
It's Watering Can Of The Year.
Yeah.
And you're on the LNER...?
Table. I tell you what, it's good.
You do look quite like a train driver, but let me just add to it...
Finishing touches. Finishing touches. Thank you so much.
Now, this is going to make you look properly like a train driver.
Thank you. Just a touch there.
That's it. This is real hair.
A couple of eyebrows, I think, there.
In the new style, like the ladies like to.
Just pop that on there, that looks good.
You're so talented.
I know. And finally, that.
Now that's a train driver.
APPLAUSE
Thanks, Vic.
Choo-choo! Choo-choo!
CHEERING
Have you got a train ticket to Scarborough one way?
It works! It works! See?
I'm not a train driver, it's just me!
What are you doing, anyway?
Making jokes up, having a daft laugh and that, messing about?
Something like that, yeah. Pretty much, yeah.
This is one of your big jokes, is it?
That's our main joke, yeah.
Oh, you've bust it now! You've broken it now!
Vaun, man!
It was only supposed to come up once!
You've ruined it now, haven't you?
What are we going to do now? That was our main joke.
Vaun! VIC GROANS
Go on, clear off.
I tell you what, here, have a toffee.
Go on.
Have you got nothing for me, like?
No.
What are we going to do now that...?
Now that our main joke's gone. ..our main joke's gone, yeah.
I mean, maybe, you know, we could just hope that it's back.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
BOTH LAUGH DISPROPORTIONATELY
We've got a show!
They love it! Yeah!
Hey up, who's in there, then?
It's me, Tony Stark, billionaire industrialist, or Iron Man.
You all right, Bats? Aye, all right.
Anyway, listen, my milkman told me
he's had rumpy pumpy with every woman on our round,
bar one. The dirty bastard.
Yeah, I know. I told the wife, she said,
"I bet it's that bug-eyed lass, you know, at number 45."
Aye.
Whoa! So that means that it's your wife that's...
No, no, it's just a joke, man!
IRON MAN LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
LOUD SPLASH
Oh, that shifted it.
Whoa, that sounded like a block of pig iron or something.
Looking at it now, you're not far off.
It's a fucking ingot.
Anyway, thanks, Bats. No worries, always here.
TOILET FLUSHES See you, then.
COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS
# He looks good in anything
# But he likes to look at everything he sees
# With those over-my-shoulder, come-on-over blue eyes
# Hey, what did I just say?
# He never listens to me anyway
# So why do I even waste my breath and try?
# Then he takes me in his arms
# While winking at the waitress
# More trouble than he's worth
# Irreconcilable differences, I think that we can make it work
# He's just more trouble than he's worth... #
EXAGGERATED STOMACH RUMBLES
# More trouble than he's worth
# More trouble than he's worth. #
COCKNEY ACCENT: Well, we was out filming for Sir David Attenborough,
out in Africa. Somewhere hot and sticky,
like a Tesco bakery,
and let me tell you, them ovens are hot.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Anyway, we was out there, David, he says, "I want you two clowns
"to get out there and film this new species.
"It's a new creature we ain't never filmed before,
"and I want it in all the footage, and all that stuff."
That's right!
So I says, "David, would you be so kind as to describe it for us?"
He says, "Well, it's long and grim, it's got slime and tufts,
"and maybe an 'orn, and all manner of nonsense
"that you get on them animal things." Oh, yeah.
Anyway, David, he's all lovely and cosied up in his air-conditioned
hotel room with his cream buns and his crackers and his cold cuts
and his cocoa, watching back-to-back MacGyver.
Oh, yeah! And we're out there in the field.
So we're setting up, all the cameras are set up,
then we promptly fall asleep.
Anyway, next thing I hear, is, it's Mick here.
He says, "Wake up, Kermit, it's here."
And there it was, this horrible thing with an 'orn on it.
Anyway, I rings up, I gets on the blower, I says, "David,
"you've got to get down here pronto, mate, it's here."
Next thing we know, he's tearing across the plain
in his Range Rover... His Land Rover...
His Range... His Land Rover Discovery...
Oh, yeah! ..driving like a nutter!
Ha-ha! Fucking nutter!
Driving like a nutter.
"Slow down, David," we say,
"slow down, you'll do yourself an injury."
Then, bang, he hit it.
There was blood and guts and slime
and all manner of things all over the place.
Oh, yeah.
"David, what have you done?"
And that was Mick, and he don't say much.
Oh, yeah.
He gets out of his Range Rover Land Rover Range Rover Discovery,
steps out of it, clearly been at the Moloko jungle bar.
Oh, yeah.
He says, "Right, you two, you say nothing or my name is shit."
Anyway, it all turned out all right,
because we cooked it up in some of the jungle leaves with
the grubs and shit and all that, and it was absolutely delicious.
And as dawn broke, all that was left was some bones and teeth
and a shirt.
And that, my friends,
is how we lost our director, David Peacock, God rest his soul.
Oh, yeah.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.
And now it's time for the kind of centrepiece of the show.
I'm going to be singing a beautiful heartbreaking ballad.
Is it Saucers For Cups?
No, it's not Saucers For Cups.
Oh, come on.
It's associated with Saucers For Cups, right?
But I'm not singing Saucers For Cups, because you'll say,
"Drop the saucers," and make me say, "Fuck-ups."
That's what you're going to do, so no, no.
I am an anonymous mysterious balladeer.
It's all good, and I like the jacket.
Do you like it? What's it, light entertainment?
No, it's more like Las Vegas.
More like Las Century!
Sorry, what did you say? I didn't say anything.
I tell you what, it might be good if you buttoned it up.
You reckon? Yeah, that would look cool.
Yeah, I like it...
Just casual. I like it free, you know what I mean?
So, come on, let's hear your song, then.
Yeah, it's a song that came out of a rather difficult relationship
I had, had its ups and downs...
I tell you what would be good. Yeah? Rather than you stood up,
like a balladeer... No, I'm standing up.
..sit on a stool, there's one here.
You sit on that, it'll look a lot better.
You know, like Todd Rundgren or Elton John or something.
OK. You sure?
Oh, like Elton John, I'm with you.
So... That's it! ..ladies and gentlemen...
Looking good. ..it's a song, it was a difficult relationship.
It's a very emotional tune.
You may cry, and that's absolutely fine.
Absolutely fine to cry.
There are tissues in the foyer.
Before we start, there is something that Vic needs to do.
Ah, yeah. Vic, smoke.
Yeah, I know what you mean, I'll get the smoke machine out.
Get the smoke machine. Our relationship had its ups and downs.
Here we go. Right, now, here it is.
Now...
My, blimey.
This will make it look really good.
It's quite an old unit, would you say? Yeah.
Last time we used this was Hawkwind, 1972.
Oh, righty-ho. But it still works all right.
Yeah, it looks like it could pump out some shite, that.
When you're ready, I'll just turn it on.
Ready when you are, sir.
MACHINE SPLUTTERS INTO LIFE
Ready to go, yeah?
Let's get the smoke going first.
Come on, here we go. Smoke machine, go!
MACHINE GURGLES
It's a very low, flat sort of smoke, isn't it?
Yeah, it's hardened up a bit, innit?
Do you want to bother with the smoke machine, then, or not?
No, I'll leave it, thank you, turn it off.
I'll just pause it, stop it.
MACHINE GURGLES
Whenever you're ready.
Ladies and gentlemen, Baby Girl.
# Baby girl, run your fingers through my hair... #
What's left of it.
# Baby girl, put your hands round my waist... #
That's quite a stretch.
# Baby girl, will you help me clean my teeth? #
You'll find them in a cup by the bed.
# Baby girl, let's go for a walk... #
You can push the chair.
# Baby girl, let's then go for a meal... #
You can mash up the food so it's nice and soft.
# Baby girl, whisper things in my ear... #
The left one, that's the good one.
# And then, when it's time for bed.
# After Escape To The Country
# We'll climb up the stairs... #
You mean, you can strap him into the Stannah stairlift!
Excuse me, hey.
Argh! Hey, whoa!
Hold on, have you been saying things into that camera ever since I...?
No. Yes, you have, haven't you?
I've just been sitting here, looking at me hand.
No, you haven't!
You've been undermining me beautiful song!
I wondered why they weren't crying.
I'm sorry.
No, I am not playing with you ever again.
Well, that looks like it's the end of Fuck-Ups.
So, anyway, everyone, look at me, I am the best, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! I know every country in the UK!
England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales, I know everything!
Introducing the Frank Roddam Audioboot.
It's analogue, so suitable for old non-digital UK residents.
Simply take your cassette, insert it into the heel,
and fill your face with the wonderful sounds of, eg,
a babbling brook or a coastal village.
Here's my brother Richard,
enjoying the sounds of Norfolk farm machinery.
FARM MACHINERY SOUNDS
Does it help with the anger management, Richard?
Yeah!
I guess it does!
And if you order by Friday,
I'll send you this crazy comical character.
HE LAUGHS MANICALLY
It's a trogg.
Don't delay, order today.
Mail order only, of course.
Don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen,
but about this time of night, I generally like to just
spread a little bit of toothpaste on a Dustbuster.
You're wonderful, you're beautiful...
ROUSING MUSIC PLAYS ..you're inspirational,
you're everything I need, every single day.
You're my reason for living.
You are bacon.
APPLAUSE
SHOES PING, THUD
Ladies and gentlemen, the man with the stick.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: All Sports March, by Robert Farnon
There he is, ladies and gentlemen, the man with the stick.
And what do we cry when we see the man with the stick?
What's on the end of the stick, Vic?
What's on the end of the stick?
Are you going to reveal it?
No, didn't think you were.
Park your stick down.
That's it, get it down.
Make sure it don't fly away. Make sure it don't fly away.
And come over here, let's have a look at your helmet.
Wow!
Some of the things... Yes, what have you been looking at this week?
Let's have a look.
Paul Weller and the lads from The Jam
boiling up some eggs near the bus depot.
That's that.
Calvin Harris having a dump into his pencil case.
Harry Redknapp cleaning his b...
Harry Redknapp cleaning his balls in the sink.
And look at him! There they are!
The back, let's have a look at the back.
Whoa, that's an impressive sketch.
Who's that?
Oh, it's Smokey Robinson And The Miracles
being hijacked in a Hillman Avenger.
Yeah!
I wonder who was hijacking them.
Well, I think it was the bloke out of Black Sabbath.
He's the singer, I think.
Yeah? Is he?
No, Ozzy.
RELUCTANT APPLAUSE
Yeah, thank you.
We still have a good laugh. We still have a good repertoire.
A good repertoire, yeah. Did you see the nice drawing on the back?
Yeah. It's not like the normal ones, is it? Yeah.
I did it with me foot.
So, you, you all right? Yeah, all right, how are you doing?
Not too bad. The big thing in my life is
I've got back in touch with me good mate Terry.
Oh! Good laugh, Terry.
Good laugh, Terry. The times we have, honestly.
Last week, we went to...
He said, "Let's go to the river bank.
"Let's go to the river bank..." The river bank?
"..the river bank, and eat a nice big tin of crab meat."
Lovely, mm.
Lovely. That's typical Terry, that, thinking of something like that.
So we get to the river bank, I can't find the tin opener.
My responsibility.
Oh, man, he must have been angry. So Terry's furious, yeah?
I bet he was. He lamps me, he pulls out a load of me hair,
bites me, gets a branch and smashes me arse till it bleeds.
I can't blame him. Yeah, I can't blame him either.
I should have had the tin opener. Yeah. I'd have done the same.
Later, when I'm in hospital, they give me my stuff back.
Yeah. There it is, the tin opener.
It was there all along. It was there all along.
Well, he is effin furious.
I bet he was, yeah.
Furious, goes straight at me kidney with a claw hammer.
Put a load of something in me eye that stung.
Anyway, but it's lovely to see you. Yeah, you too.
And I don't want to take up a lot of your time.
Oh, that's it, yes, it was piss.
Typical Terry!
Typical Terry. Yeah.
But, you know, the laughs we have now.
He's a good laugh, isn't he?
I won't remember the injuries, I'll just remember the laughs.
All the laughs.
Hey, Vic, I just wanted to ask you whilst I've got you. Yeah?
Are you still blocking up your neighbour's drainpipe
with those genetically-bent saveloys?
I just wondered, like.
I just wondered.
You had to mention that, didn't you?
You had to mention me genetically-bent saveloys scam.
I just wondered... You had to mention it, didn't you?
I just... You wouldn't let it lie. You wouldn't let it lie.
I would have let it lie! You wouldn't let it lie!
I would have let it lie! But you didn't let it lie!
I didn't even know! You didn't let it lie!
I would have let it lie! You didn't let it lie!
Get out. Here's the door. I would have...
Take your stick, and get out.
I would have let it lie.
Get out! Just get out! Get out!
APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen...
That's the end of the show,
and I do believe we've reached a satisfactory conclusion.
Vic, you know the wig you gave me for the award ceremony?
That one that... Yes.
I lost it. It didn't creep off, did it?
I can't go like this, can I? Did it escape? Yeah.
Is there any way you can help me out with a new look or anything?
Well, try this, just try my wig out here.
Ooh, that IS nice. I tell you what. That's real hair, innit?
Let's give the ladies and gentlemen, the boys and girls, lord mayor,
a surprise. I'll hide you behind a towel...
And reveal it! And you can reveal it as you come out.
I would love to do that. Yeah, come on.
How exciting!
I just happen to have a towel here.
There we are. Yeah.
You put it on... Right, and...
And then raise it...
And then raise up into it.
Ready? Yeah. Go!
Beautiful.
Do they like it? Yeah, they love it.
They like it! They like it, they love it!
Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to sing our final song now.
If it's not your cup of tea, don't worry,
because Vaun's going to be over there, you can look at him instead.
He's staring at a gammon joint.
OK, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight!
# You can do it if you really want
# Ride a lion over very rough ground
# Topless lads on a long haul flight
# Make love to a very old tiger
# Bumbag, bumbag, one, two, three
# You can do it if you really want
# Come on!
# You can do it if you really want
# You can do it if you really want... #
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your attention...
# You can do it if you really want. #
..and goodnight.
You going to have it, then?
Raw.
Have it raw. Raw.
Goodnight!