But you should.
Neal Gamby and I are seeing each other.
It's that time of year again.
For the Highschool Assesment Program.
Shouldn't tests be about learning?
It is, it's about the district learning what an effective school we are.
And what an awesome fucking principal I am.
Okay, so ever since spring term started,
we stopped teaching to the tests.
What the teachers have done is wrong.
It's a full mutiny.
North Jackson High School!
They're in!
Christine!
Christine is gone.
Why do all these bad things keep happening to me?
Where the fuck are they?
Well, Nash said they'll be here, so they'll be here.
Heads up! It's Big Cuckoo,
and I brought the little birdy with me.
Uh, Nash said you wanted to see me?
What is this place?
I wanted to thank you for your help with the HSAPs.
Since certain enemies of the school revealed themselves,
I feel that what we did was right.
And now North Jackson is back on track.
Now, because those teachers
would eat a baby's dick to expose us,
we need to take this to the grave.
Now, I know that I can trust these two.
Can I trust you, Amanda?
Oh, yeah. I'm not gonna say anything to anyone.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Nash.
Oh, um...
Is it... is it okay if I don't use that
'cause of the blood all over it?
Cool. Thanks.
Uh...
Aah...
- My knife. - Yup.
Then our blood pact is set.
Now we touch tips.
Great. Great.
So, what is everybody doing for spring break?
I'm heading west to Sedona.
- Hit the spa. - Hm.
This time tomorrow, I'll be tits-deep in goop.
Hm. Hm.
I hear you're, uh, going to the beach?
Yeah, I am. To Isle of Palms with my daughter.
Not Abbott though. She's not allowed to come to the ocean.
- Mm. - What about you, Amanda?
Are you doing something interesting?
Yes, actually.
I'm going to an arts festival in Asheville.
They invited Brian to read from his new novel. Oh.
That's quite an honor.
It means a whole weekend where it's not just you sucking his meat-stick.
Yup.
- Should be cool. - Well, great.
That's so great. I'm so happy to hear everybody's having such a...
a good, fun time at spring break.
I'm gonna be home,
alone in my bathrobe,
just being with me.
Just loving on me because...
I'm getting a divorce.
Oh, let's go right here.
- This is how I feel about it. - Really?
- Oh, yeah. - Okay.
Everybody, hands on top.
Happy spring break, y'all!
All right, settle down!
Settle down! I'm excited to get out of here too, but be civilized.
- Hey. - Hey, how's it going?
Why aren't you wearing your jean jacket?
I don't know.
After closer looks, I don't really feel like it's my style.
We're not gonna see each other for a whole week. I hate it!
Yeah, it sucks big time.
- Yeah. - But like I told you,
you know, going to the beach is my daughter and I's tradition,
so it's kind of like a special bonding thing.
Oh, my God, you know what I just thought of just now?
- What? - What if I went with you guys?
Let's not even think about that 'cause that's never gonna happen, okay?
Are you sure you're not mad at me?
No, I'm fine.
It's just you seem weird, kind of distant.
I'm not acting weird. Hey, Sue.
I'm just trying to get these people out of here on time.
I have to tell you something. I'm nervous about it.
Everything okay?
Just don't freak out 'cause it's actually really beautiful.
Well, I'm gonna freak out if you don't tell me what it is. What is it?
Remember that time when you tried to pull out and I leg-locked you?
Yeah.
Well, you sneezed inside of me.
I'm pregnant.
What?
Oh, fuck.
Are you fucking serious?
No, I'm not really pregnant.
I was trying to trap you.
- Fuck, I'm gonna miss you so much. - What the fuck?
Remind you what I taste like.
I love you.
Shit.
You should have told me you were comin'.
I would have disabled my perimeter defenses.
I'm sorry, Gamby.
I just had the ugliest meeting with Christine and her lawyer.
This will be the loneliest spring break ever
if I have to be in that big ol' house all by myself.
I feel for you, bud.
But I'm not sure what you want me to do about it.
I wanna come on spring break with you.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry, buddy,
but this week is reserved for me and Janelle.
But you said she's bringing a friend.
Can't you bring a friend too?
Look, we can... we can... we can even take my new Jeep.
I won it in the divorce.
It has leather seats, satellite radio,
it even has a motherfucking sunroof!
Cruise to the beach in style.
I mean...
Please?
Cowabunga!
Who's ready to hang 10
- at the beach? - Surprise.
Yo, Neal, we were just gabbing with your lady-friend here.
- What the fuck are you doing here? - Got you some
homemade sugar browns here for your trip.
That's nice.
What? I'm sorry, did you not invite Jen
to come with you on the beach trip?
No, no, no, Gale.
I never ever thought that was part of this.
I know this trip is about Neal
having quality time with Janelle,
and I would never ever want to
- be in the way of that. - Aww.
Let's kiss in front of your family.
That's really nice.
Uh, Janelle, hey, cool. Time to go bye-bye.
Deb and Beth are still getting changed.
Hey, baby, did you pack your sunscreen?
Because you don't tan, you know, you burn.
Whatever, Mom.
Can you just stop acting like you know everything?
Ooh! She's cocksure like her father.
It's gonna be fun raising her.
She's just showing off in front of her friends.
Hey, Deb, Deb's the one you gotta watch out for.
She acts different around Deb.
- Mean. - Yeah.
Oh, maybe you do need me going along on this trip.
Do you mind if we step outside
so we can have a chit-chat in privacy?
You don't seem happy to see me.
Well, that's because I'm not.
I am on a very tight schedule
if I want to make the most of this trip.
How the hell did you even know where they live?
When we first started going out,
- I might have tailed you once. - Jesus!
Do you know how super-psycho that sounds?
Whose Jeep is that?
That's my Jeep. It's a rental... rental Jeep.
Look, let's go back inside the house now and...
- Is that Lee Russell sitting in there? - No. Don't pay attention to that.
Go back, go back
- in the fucking house right now! - What the fuck, Neal?
Is he going with you?
Open your window.
- Open it! - Calm down, fuckface.
- Are you going on spring break? - Yes, I am.
It was a last-minute thing, okay?
He's going through a divorce. He was being a good friend!
So, this fucking psycho... You're a psycho!
- No, no, no, you're a fucking psycho! - You're a psycho!
Guys! Oh no.
He can go on spring break but I can't?
That's some bullshit, Neal.
- That is 100% - Oh!
- total fucking bullshit! - Stop that.
- Knock that shit off. - What? That's so fucked up!
Fuck those sugar browns!
Are you done?
Are you done spazzing out?
Yes.
Okay, girls, it's okay.
Bring your luggage. She's done.
Come on. Let's do it.
- Hey, Ray! - Hey, Janelle!
Clean up these brownie things.
- Hey, Uncle Lee. - Okay?
Ray works very hard on this lawn.
Hey! Oh, it's so good to see you.
- These are your friends? - Yeah, sure.
Hey, I'm... I'm Uncle Lee-Lee. Nice to meet you.
Oh, my God, this is amazing!
I can't believe I'm here.
I can't believe I'm here with one of the honorees.
Oh, well, I am honored that you agreed to accompany me.
Oh, gosh.
Wait, baby, what about the line?
Don't worry about it. No, no, don't worry.
Ooh, there's a huge you. Look.
- Oh, my gosh. - Yeah.
Excuse me. Hi.
Brian Biehn.
B-I-E-H-N.
Oh, you didn't need to spell it for me.
I can't wait for your reading.
You're gonna come of course, aren't you?
I absolutely wouldn't miss it.
We'll make sure we get you a good seat.
- These are gold passes. - Wonderful.
They will admit you to all of the events at the festival,
and tonight we have a reservation at Jason's Steakhouse
- Ooh, Jason's. - for you
and the other writers being honored.
Wow. Do you eat meat?
I would.
Nice.
VIP treatment.
- Thank you so much for your help... - Come on, sweetheart.
- ...and we'll see you soon. - Let's go.
After you, my friend.
- Oh. Merci beaucoup. - Yes.
And, uh, afternoon.
Ooh! Janelle, Ohio plates!
That's another point for me!
Man, I'm beating you like a million to zip.
Fine, you win. Can we stop now?
Ooh. "Can we stop now"?
Is that the kind of tone you want to use with your father?
So what's the plan for girl time?
You guys gonna do some camp pranks?
Camp pranks? Um, no.
You know, me and my friends, when we were young, whew.
We'd get together,
if one of us fell asleep
before the others, we'd put their hand in warm water,
make 'em pee themselves.
I love that one! That one's classic!
Try to make each other pee?
Why would you want to do that?
'Cause it's embarrassing to pee.
It's embarrassing for the person trying to do that.
It's disgusting.
We are a carload of teenage girls heading to the beach.
It's going to get disgusting.
Wow.
Unreal.
I just finished Snodgrass' book.
- Good? - Oh, it's incredible.
I've never read anything like this before.
- Really? - I'm not one for reading books,
but this, this is a fantastic tale.
Gamby, Gamby, Gamby.
Why are you with Abbott
if you're in love with Snodgrass? Tell me.
Snodgrass is with Brian.
Yeah, but Abbott? I mean, you hate her.
Freak.
I know.
Look, I know you're going through a divorce,
so I don't want you to get in your head,
but being single sucks, Russell.
The lonely nights, the... the fear,
the... the fruitless masturbation, it's... it's terrible.
Having a shitty girlfriend like Jen Abbott's better
than being all alone.
Thanks a lot.
God, you really know how to make a person feel good. God.
What the fuck? Uh-uh!
No, no. Deb?
What in the... are you wearing right now?
- What? It's just a bathing suit. - A bathing suit?
That covers less than underpanties do.
This is the style.
She's right. It's called a Brazilian.
It's very popular with all the teenagers now. Cheers.
Yeah, they are. Like, I totally want a Brazilian.
Yeah.
Well, you're not getting a Brazilian, Janelle.
Trust me, all right?
You wear a damn size 16 jeans, for Christ's sake.
Janelle's lost
six pounds since Christmas,
in case you hadn't noticed.
Beth, come on.
Oh, what, now she's pissed at me?
- What a crock of shit. - Totally.
There's no way in hell Janelle's lost six pounds.
A toast to being fascinating! Cheers!
- To being fascinating. - Cheers.
We are all fascinating creatures.
So, Amanda, are you... are you a writer too?
Um, mm...
Sorry, one second.
I am a writer. Mm...
I'm just working on a Y novel currently.
- Y-A novel. - Oh.
Yup. And, uh, uh...
Yeah.
Uh... You all right?
- Ooh. - Yup.
I just got back my first batch of notes
from the publisher.
They want all these changes, but, um,
I suppose I'm afraid
that my voice is going to get lost.
Your voice, that's cute.
Amanda is under the assumption
that her work is perfect as is.
- Nope. No... - Yup.
Not at all.
I'm just not sure about all of their suggestions, Brian.
Oh, you don't feel it in your guts,
I say fuck the notes.
He's right.
Publishers don't know what they're talking about.
- Really? - No.
See, I've been told otherwise.
Well, I think that all depends
on the book and on the writer.
Trust me.
Stick to your guns.
To sticking to your guns...
sticky buns.
I've just come up with the title for my new book.
I can remember when Janelle would let me
hold her hand on the boardwalk.
She's acting so different.
Oh, come on. She's just trying to impress Deb.
She's a real queen bee, that one.
Yeah, 'B' for bitch.
She's got Janelle acting all mean and teenager-y.
Well, she's definitely advanced for her age.
Look at the shape of that ass.
You could break a boy's heart on that.
Russell, she's 14 years old.
Like I said, she's advanced for her age.
Well, I don't want her advancing my daughter.
Seems to me that somebody needs to take
bitch-ass Deb down a peg.
Sssss!
Sss! Sss! Shh, shh, shh.
Something hot just spilled on me! What the fuck?
- Dad, what are you doing? - Nothing!
I was bringing you drinks to have.
Why were you crouching in the dark by Deb's bed?
Oh, my God!
You were doing your pee prank!
Uh, no! Gross! That's piss! No way!
You could go to jail for this!
I... I can explain. It was Russell and myself, we're...
Russell? Dad.
Get out of our room!
Yeah, sure.
So, your colleagues didn't think I needed
to take all of those notes.
Well, those people are real authors.
I mean, maybe they don't need to take all those notes.
- What, am I a fake author? - No, no.
- Don't put words into my mouth. - No...
- Yes, you are. - I'm not... I'm not...
I'm just talking with you.
Brian,
do you think that my book sucks?
- Don't do this. - What?
I just... I would like your honest opinion.
It... it matters to me.
Okay.
I think your book could use some work.
- And? - You're... you're forcing my hand here.
I am. Come on.
Okay.
I think your book is derivative of every book
that's ever been written for the YA marketplace.
It's not very engaging,
none of it is very original,
it's way too long.
It's not my cup of tea.
Uh...
Brian, why on Earth did you send it to your publisher?
Come on, do I really have to answer that question?
- Hm? - Yes, please.
A middle-aged man like me needs to use
all the bait that's left in his tackle box to lure
a beautiful girl like you,
so of course I'm gonna help you when you're asking me.
And I do really think you're talented.
- But you hate my book. - Listen.
You need a thick skin in this business, okay?
I got a bad review once.
Buck up.
I'll buy you an ice cream.
Janelle, do you remember this place?
Did you tell your friends about the slider challenge?
Dad, they don't want to hear about me eating stupid sliders.
It wasn't stupid when you ate 25 sliders
in five minutes and got our whole entire meal comped.
Bet your picture's still up on the wall.
Mm, that's weird. I could have sworn
your photo used to be here by those two homosexuals.
Dad, who cares?
I care.
Sir, are you the manager? That's right.
My daughter Janelle, she completed the burger challenge five years ago.
She got her picture up on the wall,
but we... we can't seem to find it out there.
Oh, the older photos, they come down sometimes
so we can make room for the new pictures.
Huh. That's not anywhere here on the slider challenge rules.
It doesn't say you take the pictures down.
You better go handpick five photos
you're ready to take down 'cause we're about to put
five brand-new ones up on the wall.
Okay.
Yeah. Dad, I am not eating 25 burgers in five minutes.
Babe, look, I know that you've changed, okay,
but that part of you has not changed.
You can do it. I know you can.
Dad, I'm not doing it.
Me neither. I'm not hungry.
It's disgusting to eat that much red meat.
Honestly, Gamby, I don't think I can do 25 sliders either.
Well, goddammit. Okay, you know what?
It'll just be one slider challenge.
I'll be the only person here to do it to get
his picture on the wall, and you guys will just be jealous.
Can I just go out alone with my friends?
Alone?
What, so you can do drugs?
Drink? Do graffiti on things?
Meet fellas? Absolutely not.
That's not happening, okay?
I'm not gonna go home with three damn teen moms on my hands.
Not me. I'm on the pill.
Just let the girls go, Gamby.
You need to give her a chance to be trusted.
Please, Dad.
Fine. Go.
Thank you, Dad.
Keep your cell phone on you, all right?
And stay here by the boardwalk,
- all right? - Got it.
Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
Don't come back late. I love you, Janelle.
Love you too!
Hey, I have a crazy idea.
Let's go have some fun.
You know what? This is exactly what I needed.
I just need to trust Janelle. She's a good girl.
She makes smart choices, you know?
And here we are.
- I love it. It's great. - I love it too! God!
Can we get two more margaritas, please?
I'm just having fun for the first time in a long time.
I really appreciate this, buddy.
I'm glad I can be there for you, buddy.
- Buddy. - Always.
I know you're going through tough times,
but things will get better, I promise you.
Yes, things will get better.
- Things are about to get better - They always turn out.
right now.
What the hell is that? What are you doing?
Cocaine. Time for me to get jacked.
Let my dick lead the way.
- In the middle of the fucking bar? - Yeah. Oh, hell yeah.
- Come on. Here, have some. - I don't even know how to do it.
Well, it's spring break. All you gotta do is snort it. Come on.
Ain't nobody looking. Nobody gives a shit.
Look, just like this. Right here.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hollywood nights.
Ugh.
- Oh, my God. - Ooh. Fuck.
- Let me get one more. - Oh, hell yeah.
You can have more than one.
Game fucking on.
Whoo!
Spring fucking break!
Whoo! What country are you from?
I know! Butt-swana!
Ass-ghanistan!
- Butt-o Rico! - Butto Rico!
We usually don't do cocaine.
We're on spring break from school.
I'm the principal!
Hey, Russell,
- you want me to get a picture? - Yes.
All together. Spring break!
- Yeah, I got it! - Did you get it?
- You guys look like lovers! - Oh, my God.
Russell! That's amazing.
- Russell! Russell! - I haven't seen titties in so long.
Lee!
Are you almost done, man? You wanna hang out?
Man, I am fucking hanging out!
Why don't you go hang out?
Go hang out.
Oh, my God, shut up.
Please. Fuck, fuck.
Neal?
Hey! Hey! Hey.
Hey, I hope it's... it's not weird
- that I'm calling you. - Uh, no.
Not at all. It's great. Um, how are things with Janelle?
Oh, they're going really good. A lot... a lot of, uh,
of good father-daughter time.
How about to you and Brian?
You guys having fun at the, uh,
arts, craft reading festival thing?
It's... It's... it's so good so far.
Uh, I'm meeting all these amazing writers
and making...
super cool contacts, you know, so it's kind of...
- dream come true. - Oh, cool, cool.
Hey, I, uh, I finished reading your book.
Did you? You... you read the whole thing?
Wow. Uh...
almost scared to ask
what you, uh, what you thought.
I thought it was fucking great!
It was really good!
I never have wanted to ride a dragon so much!
- Wow! - It was really an incredible
piece of work, Amanda.
I just hadn't been moved by something like that.
And you were right, I did like Bluffin the wizard.
I... I thought he was hilarious.
Neal, that... that means a lot.
Gosh. Thank you so much.
- I... I... - Yeah. You... you know,
actually, I... I didn't call just about the book though.
I've been doing some thinking
- and I think that... - Oh, yeah?
- Hey, how's it going? - So have I.
Uh, no, you first. You go.
Uh, yeah, I'm... You know what? Actually, I gotta go.
Oh, okay, sure. What... what... what are you guys up to?
Okay, so have a good time on the things.
Okay. Cool. Yeah, you too.
- I'll see ya. - Oh. Bye. Bye.
Go, go, go, go!
- Whoo! - Oh, fuck!
This is the best fucking spring break ever!
I told you, motherfucker!
Oh!
- Oh! - Oh, my God.
All those dancers wanted to do dances to us.
Ew, gross.
Gale's calling.
You need to answer that.
What's up, woman?
Where the fuck do you think we're at?
We're at the beach. The girls wanted to see
these magicians, so we took them to a magical show.
Yeah. Abracadabra, Gale!
With the who?
The girls have been arrested.
Is Deb okay?
Where'd my girl go?
My little buddy that used to
be respectful?
Who's this new girl that I don't recognize?
I said I was sorry. God.
You wanna get an attitude with me?
I trusted you and you screwed me.
You're making a big deal out of nothing, man.
Young girls almost arrested for stealing!
- How is that nothing? - He's not playing.
This isn't a joke!
Why the fuck does everyone think this is a joke?
I'm sorry, Gamby. I'm sorry.
- I'd shut my... mouth. - Okay? That's what I would do.
- There you go, sir. Thank you. - Stick in the mud!
"Stick in the mud."
I don't want to hear another word out of anybody.
What the fuck?
You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
What the hell are you doing here?
Just I... I kept waiting
for you to call and apologize and you never did.
Apologize for what?
- Let me see your phone. - What? No! Ow!
Get out of there! Stop!
You fucking called Snodgrass?
Just give it back! That's not your business!
Why don't I just take the girls upstairs
and draw 'em a hot bath, okay?
No! No, Russell! You're not giving anyone a bath!
- Just take 'em upstairs. - Are you sure?
Yes, no baths, Russell! Upstairs now!
Go!
- I hate this spring break. - Yeah, you know, what, Janelle?
I hate this spring break too!
We're never going on spring break together again!
I can't do this.
You need to be with someone
who wants to go on spring break with you,
who wants to spend time with you,
who's not embarrassed to tell people he's going out with you.
That's not me.
I don't care about that shit.
Okay? I'll take what I can get.
That's not the way it's supposed to be.
Look, I'm sorry I strung you along, but...
I was just afraid of being alone, and...
it's not right.
I can't do this.
No...
What? Ooh!
Stop. What are you doing?
Ow! Right in the tits!
Yeah, I hope that bruised your tits
'cause you bruised my heart.
- Just go, okay? - Mm-hmm.
That's enough.
- Just one more time. - No.
"From behind the wheel
"of the pickup, I watched Diego.
"He wouldn't see...
"the sunset.
"He mumbled to himself
"as he ventured into this new world,
"'I feel so lucky to be in the land of opportunity,
where I will be rich and fortified.'"
Muchas gracias.
Thank you.
Brian Biehn, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's take a 10-minute intermission.
Thank you very much.
Thanks. Thank you so much.
- Thank you all. - Hi, baby.
Oh, hi. Oh, good to see you. I appreciate that.
I'm shocked that you showed up.
Oh.
Um, hello, everyone.
This is my first time here.
Wonderful festival.
So happy I could attend.
Um...
So recently...
I realized that someone very close to me
does not believe in my talent.
I was hoping that I could get all of you
to give me an honest assessment of my work tonight.
- What the fuck is she doing up there? - I don't... I don't know.
I will be reading my personal favorite,
chapter 68 from my novel, Cassiopeia Falling.
Don't read that. Please don't read that.
Please, take your seats.
Just find my place. Okay.
"Maerwyn carried the magic stone into battle.
"It was their good luck charm, and they would need
"all the luck they fairy worm could provide.
Besting this mighty creature would not be easy."
You have to stop her.
- "Besting mighty creatures never is." - No, no. Stop her now.
"The mightiest creatures of love and of life,
"they, uh, were both born of twin moons
"and therefore understood the language of the stars,
uh, that formed the be..."
Please, sir, I just need to know if it's any good.
It's not.
Sorry, everyone. She was not invited to read that.
And from what little we heard,
she shouldn't be allowed to read it anywhere.
Cheap theatrics can't make up for poor prose.
High of 96
with the winds out of the east...
Boo!
He almost threw up. He was so scared.
Where the hell did you get that?
Where the fuck did you get that?
It was in the trunk.
We were looking for Deb's sunglasses.
Go back inside.
Get back inside right now.
No way.
Ah, ladies, who wants a donut?
Oh, I've got a Boston cream
with Neal Gamby's name right on it.
I'm not hungry.
Girls?
Eat 'em, throw 'em up, enjoy your breakfast.
Sorry I was mean to you on this trip.
Oh, baby, it's okay.
It's all right.
We all make mistakes sometimes.