1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,920 Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC. 2 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:06,560 Following complaints that our output is too London-centric, 3 00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:08,640 we'd like to reassure viewers, who sadly 4 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:11,960 are forced to live outside the M25 that we value you. 5 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,280 LAUGHTER 6 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,040 You might be sitting on the sofa at home in Norfolk, 7 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,080 with your wife and sister, who are, no doubt, the same person. 8 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:20,960 LAUGHTER 9 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:25,440 You might be in Manchester watching this through a shop window, 10 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:29,840 a brick in your hand, ready to make off with some electronic goods. 11 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:33,040 Maybe you're watching this in a pub in Glasgow, 12 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:37,120 tanked up and stripped to the waist, ready to beat up some students. 13 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:41,520 Or you might be in Cornwall, where you've only just got electricity, 14 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,960 and you're thinking, who's this tiny wizard in the box? 15 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:46,200 LAUGHTER 16 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,800 Don't be alarmed, it's not witchcraft. 17 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:53,160 Remember, it's your BBC, wherever you have the misfortune to live. 18 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,720 Enjoy the show. 19 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:56,160 LAUGHTER 20 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,760 I'm better than you. 21 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:37,200 - You what? - I'm better than you. 22 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,400 That phone, it's the old one, isn't it? 23 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,680 Well, came out about six months ago. 24 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:45,040 Yeah, but they brought out a new one, didn't they? 25 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,000 Last week, wasn't it? 26 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,240 And I got it, didn't I? 27 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,000 Waterproof, innit? 28 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,800 That's why I'm better than you. 29 00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:58,920 All right, mate. 30 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,280 I'm better than you. 31 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:07,160 - You said, about the phone. - Yeah, and the trainers. 32 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,800 Well, they look pretty similar to mine. 33 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,480 Yeah, but they ain't, though, are they? 34 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,640 Mine have got an air cushion in them. 35 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,920 Got a little window so I can look in, 36 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,920 see all the air, check up on it. 37 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:20,880 See it? 38 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,320 - See it? - Yeah, yeah, I see it, yeah. 39 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,560 That's why I'm better than you. 40 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:27,040 All right, mate. 41 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,400 - I'm better than you. - Oh... 42 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,560 - I'm better than you. - What now? 43 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,480 General appearance. 44 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,160 Well, what does that mean? 45 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:45,520 Everything. 46 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,960 My barnet is better than you, my tan is better then you. 47 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,880 Teeth, better than you. 48 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,560 Biceps, better than you. 49 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,960 Triceps, better then you. 50 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,920 Quads, need a bit of work, but still better than you. 51 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,040 Complexion, better than you. 52 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,040 Nasal trimmings, better than you. 53 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,560 Dental hygiene... 54 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:07,600 HE EXHALES DEEPLY 55 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,720 ..better than you. Height... 56 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,120 ..better than you. 57 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,760 Swagger... 58 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,360 ..better than you. Moves... 59 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:24,040 ..better than you. 60 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,080 Grooves... 61 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,280 ..better than you. 62 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:30,680 Manscaping... 63 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:34,560 ..better than you. 64 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,400 - In conclusion, I am better than you. - Yeah... 65 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,440 All right, mate. Well done, you're better than me. 66 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,080 Yep. Better than you. 67 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,440 Yeah, all right, you've proved your point. 68 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:46,760 You're better than me. 69 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,200 Your hair's better than me, your phone's better than me, 70 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,600 your trainers are better than me. 71 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:54,040 Your grooves, your moves and your manscaping is a thing of wonder. 72 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,000 You've probably had more sex than me. 73 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,400 Well, how many birds have you had sex with? 74 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,720 Just my wife, so one. 75 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,440 All right, mate. 76 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,040 It's not a competition. 77 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,080 Oh. 78 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,600 Hello, Sherlock. 79 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:20,920 You're back early. 80 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,720 Watson, what's going on? 81 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,280 - Your brother called. - Don't change the subject. 82 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,840 You were up to something. 83 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,040 No, I was just thinking about having a cup of tea. 84 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,280 - Would you like one? - Something's going on, and if you won't tell me, 85 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:39,600 I will figure it out myself by using my powers of deduction. 86 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,120 Oh, God... 87 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,320 The sheet music has been removed from my violin stand 88 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,960 and replaced with a copy of the Littlewoods catalogue, 89 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,640 conveniently opened at the women's underwear section. 90 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,280 It's daytime, but the curtains are shut, 91 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:56,960 and a scented candle has been lit, 92 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,760 as though to create a romantic ambience, but you're on your own. 93 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,760 On the top of the stereo system lies an Usher CD. 94 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,080 His R&B grooves are synonymous with getting down with it. 95 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,760 And on the mantelpiece, 96 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,440 a framed picture of me has been placed face down. 97 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,040 What is it that you didn't want me to see, Watson? 98 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,800 Perhaps it's Mrs Hudson's bottle of lavender hand lotion, 99 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,040 which has been mysteriously removed from the washroom 100 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,000 and placed on the table next to you. 101 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,320 On the floor is a woman's glove, but the stitching has been frayed, 102 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,600 as though it's been worn by a larger hand, a man's hand, 103 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,520 the hand of a man. 104 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,520 But here's the final piece of the puzzle, Watson. 105 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,320 You're right-handed, but on your left side, 106 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,200 a box of Aloe Vera fragrant tissues has been placed. 107 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,040 Answer me this, Watson, 108 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,240 what was it that was keeping your right hand so occupied 109 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,520 that it could not reach for the tissues? 110 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,160 I'll do it in my room from now on. 111 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,040 If you would. 112 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,440 Welcome back to the Dating Game. 113 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:13,680 Please welcome our new contestants, Sammy and Joey. 114 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 115 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:21,120 But...only one of them can bag a date with the luscious Lindsay. 116 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,480 WHOOPING 117 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,200 OK, Lindsay, time for your first question. 118 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,040 - Over to you. - Hi, guys. 119 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,720 - Hey. - Hello. 120 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,160 LAUGHTER 121 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:35,000 So, around the house, I'm afraid I'm not a DIY expert. 122 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,920 Are you the sort of man who knows how to use a tool? 123 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,920 Ho-ho-ho-ho! Saucy stuff. 124 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,200 Sammy. 125 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:46,800 Well, Lindsay, I've got the wood. 126 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,560 You just tell me where you want the screw. 127 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,520 - Oh... - WHOOPING 128 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,480 Ho-ho-ho! Easy, tiger! 129 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:54,760 Joey. 130 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,720 LAUGHTER 131 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:00,760 Well, Lindsay, if you needed me to, 132 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:04,440 I could put up a shelving unit for you, 133 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,840 or unblock your toilet. 134 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,320 LAUGHTER 135 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,040 Not exactly what we're looking for, Joey. 136 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,040 Have you got anything a bit racier? 137 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:22,040 You know, something about hammering, or drilling, or banging? 138 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,720 OK, I see. 139 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,560 All right, off you go. 140 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,080 Here's something you may not know about me, Lindsay. 141 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:33,080 I have got an enormous 24-piece spanner set. 142 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,560 - That's your answer, is it? - Yep. 143 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:45,040 OK, back over to you, Lindsay, for your killer question. 144 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,640 Make it count. 145 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:50,200 One of my favourite things is doing it in the kitchen. 146 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,000 Ho-ho-ho! Filthy. 147 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,000 Cooking, of course. 148 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,040 Bit disappointing. 149 00:07:56,040 --> 00:08:00,920 How well-equipped are you to satisfy me in the kitchen? 150 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:04,480 Oh... Final chance to join the lovely Lindsay 151 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,840 on that sexy trip to Barbados. Sammy. 152 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:13,120 Well, Linds, I'm known for my big, juicy sausage. 153 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,600 And once you've had a taste, you'll keep coming back for more, baby. 154 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,680 LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING 155 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,840 Me likey! 156 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,560 Is it getting hot in here? 157 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,080 HE LAUGHS WEAKLY 158 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,240 Joey. 159 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,360 Well, Lindsay, if you came over to my place... 160 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:34,240 Ooh, sounds promising. 161 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,800 ..I'd cook you chicken nuggets and peas. 162 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:39,840 And then for afters... 163 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,680 Oh, here we go. 164 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,120 ..yoghurt. 165 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,240 Have you seen this show, Joey? 166 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,080 I think so, yes. 167 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,000 Well, we're looking for something sexier. 168 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,000 - Oh, I see. - All right? 169 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,720 - All right, off you go. - OK. 170 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,040 Lindsay, I would very much like 171 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,800 for you and me to have sexual intercourse. 172 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,800 Stop you there, Joey. 173 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,320 - Too sexy? - Well, sort of. 174 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,120 The question was about cooking, 175 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,840 so we're looking for something sexy, but about food, OK? 176 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,680 A bit of innuendo. 177 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,840 Oh, yeah, OK. 178 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,960 Hm-hm! All right, it's all yours, Joey. 179 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,840 Lindsay, I would very much like 180 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:35,600 for you and me to have sexual intercourse in a kebab shop. 181 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,080 LAUGHTER 182 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,680 So, join us after the break, 183 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,400 when we'll be finding out who the luscious Lindsay 184 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,600 will pick for that sexy trip to Barbados. 185 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,440 - Sammy. - Well... LAUGHTER 186 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,040 - We'll find out after the break. - No, it's going to be Sammy. 187 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,680 I've got a sexy food one. 188 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,320 All right, one last go. 189 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:00,560 I once drew a face on a watermelon and then I drilled a hole in it. 190 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,200 HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 191 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,080 We'll see you in a mini mo. 192 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,960 - Thank you. - And you put it in... - No, no, no, no... 193 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,000 APPLAUSE 194 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:16,120 Opera sensations Il Primadonnas return with their brand-new album 195 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:19,000 Chants From The Terraces. 196 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:22,760 Including the smash hit single One-Nil. 197 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,920 IN TUNE TO AMAZING GRACE: # One-nil, one-nil 198 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,920 # One-nil, one-nil 199 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:34,840 # One-nil, one-nil 200 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:38,920 # One-n-i-i-i-il. # 201 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:43,840 All your favourite football chants on one spectacular album. 202 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:48,440 Marvel as Il Primadonnas present their unique take 203 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,960 on Boring, Boring Arsenal. 204 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:54,440 # Boring, boring Arsenal 205 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,560 # Boring, boring Arsenal. # 206 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,520 Admirers of Manchester City Football Club 207 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,840 will love If You All Hate Man U. 208 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,600 # If you all hate Man U Clap your hands 209 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,560 # If you all hate Man U Clap your hands... # 210 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:19,400 Admirers of Manchester United Football Club 211 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,800 will love If You All Hate Man City. 212 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,960 # If you all hate Man City Clap your hands 213 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,400 # If you all hate Man City Clap your hands... # 214 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,240 Lose yourself to Il Primadonnas' touching tribute 215 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:38,920 to England's all-time leading goal-scorer Wayne Mark Rooney. 216 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,280 # Rooney 217 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,960 # Rooney 218 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:49,400 # Rooney. # 219 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,680 But no football chant album would be complete 220 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:57,360 without the towering majesty of Who's The Bastard In The Black? 221 00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,480 IN TUNE OF BREAD IN HEAVEN: # Who's the bastard 222 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,480 # Who's the bastard 223 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:05,720 - # Who's the bastard in the black? - In the black? 224 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,200 # Who's the bastard 225 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,760 - IN BASS VOICE: - # In the black? # 226 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,840 Il Primadonnas' Chants From The Terraces. 227 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,800 The perfect album to make love to. 228 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,680 # Who ate all the pies? 229 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,200 # Who ate all the pies? 230 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,840 - # You fat bastard - You fat bastard 231 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,160 # You ate all the pies. # 232 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:29,680 - So the thinking is, the merger... - Here we are. 233 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,480 ..will go through next year. 234 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,160 The reason for next year is everyone thinks 235 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,160 we'll be out of Europe by then 236 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,240 and it'll be a lot easier... SHE SLAMS THE DOOR 237 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,560 Don't get up, darling. 238 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,720 I thought it'd be rude to leave our guest on his own, darling. 239 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,320 SHE SLAMS PLATE 240 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,920 I'd be interested to know what our guest thinks about this, actually. 241 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,880 Say you had a friend over for dinner. 242 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,160 I'm talking hypothetically here. 243 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,920 Would you expect your partner to do all the cooking? 244 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,760 - Well... - You're putting Richard on the spot, darling. 245 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,480 Let's not involve him in our private business. 246 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,640 I said "hypothetically". 247 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:06,720 All right, then. 248 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,680 Talking hypothetically, if you had a joint bank account, 249 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:17,520 which was categorically for food and household products only, 250 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:22,960 would it be right to use that money to buy a £400 handbag? 251 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,840 I wouldn't buy a handbag. 252 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,040 - Exactly. - I have no need for a handbag. 253 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,080 Especially if you had a dozen already. 254 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,760 Nine is not a dozen. 255 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,000 Here's another one for you, Richard. 256 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,600 - Hypothetically... - I'd rather not. - No, no, this is fun. 257 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,840 Hypothetically, say it was your anniversary. 258 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,320 - Well, I'm not married. - Hypothetically. 259 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,920 It's your anniversary, and you purchase your partner 260 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,080 a brand-new set of golf clubs. 261 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,760 But all they get you... 262 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,920 is a £10 Boots voucher. 263 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:54,920 What message do you think that would be sending out? 264 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,040 Would you say that was a happy marriage, 265 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,200 or one that had descended into nothing more 266 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,160 than a bitter pantomime of contempt? 267 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:03,640 I really think this is something 268 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,320 the two of you need to discuss in private. 269 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,240 I said "hypothetically". 270 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,200 Don't feel you need to answer, Richard. 271 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,680 - Maybe we should just enjoy our starters. - Quite right. 272 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:17,400 Let's enjoy our delicious starters, cooked by my darling wife. 273 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,960 - This looks lovely. - Thank you. 274 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,320 I made it all on my own. 275 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:28,080 - What kind of cheese is this? - Goat's cheese. 276 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,960 HE THROWS DOWN CUTLERY 277 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:32,840 But, darling... 278 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,560 I'm allergic to goat's cheese. 279 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,000 I know, darling. 280 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,080 Mm! 281 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,960 I have a question for you, Richard. Hypothetical, of course. 282 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,480 If you knew your partner was allergic 283 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,160 to a certain type of cheese - 284 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:53,080 let's say, for example, cheese from a goat, goat's cheese - 285 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,600 would you serve it to them knowing full well 286 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,560 they'd have to spend the next 12 hours clinging to a toilet bowl, 287 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,000 sweating and shaking and spraying from both ends? 288 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,800 I would say that was fair if your hypothetical husband 289 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:10,400 had made you take your hypothetical bag back to the hypothetical shop. 290 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,520 The hypothetical bastard. 291 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,400 - No. - Please don't. 292 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,360 I beg you, don't leave us on our own. 293 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,720 I'm sorry. I'm going to go. 294 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,680 How would you like it, hypothetically, 295 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,360 if a couple invited you round to their house for dinner 296 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,840 and all they did was involve you in their petty arguments 297 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:27,600 because they clearly hate each other?! 298 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:28,680 Goodnight. 299 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,040 What got into him? 300 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,000 He really soured the atmosphere. 301 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,120 Well...I'll be in the toilet, darling. 302 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,360 - See you in the morning. - Love you. - Love you, too. 303 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:54,200 A group of celebrities, three prison cells, one slop bucket. 304 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,720 This is the toughest reality show on television. 305 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,240 Welcome to Celebrity Slammer. 306 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,200 Day 3,226. 307 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,440 Mildly amusing comedian David Walliams is in the Diary Cell. 308 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,000 I just assumed Celebrity Slammer would be in the studio. 309 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,720 But no, it's an actual prison. 310 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,000 I thought it'd just be two or three weeks. 311 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,080 That was seven and a half years ago. 312 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,440 I wish I'd done I'm A Celebrity now. 313 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,400 I'd much rather put a kangaroo's balls in my mouth every night 314 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,000 than Barry Chuckle's. 315 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:49,160 TV hard man Chris Ellison has spent the last 18 months 316 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,520 sharing a cell with highbrow comedy duo the Chuckle Brothers. 317 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,200 Now, you've got that end and I've got this. 318 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,400 - Right, take it through there. - To me, then. - To you. - To me. 319 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,520 - To you. - To me. - To you. - It's not going. 320 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,360 - Come here, come here. You've no idea, have you? - No. 321 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,760 - It won't go through like that. Turn it over. - Right, OK. 322 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,640 - That's it. Now then, to you. - To me. - To you. - To me. 323 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,280 - To you. - To me... 324 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,240 Well, it's too much. 325 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,720 Only, you just try watching two, 326 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:18,520 and let's be honest, DEEPLY weird brothers 327 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,840 trying to move furniture around a prison cell. 328 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,920 Well, it's...it's really getting to me. 329 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,240 To you. To me. To... Argh! 330 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,800 It's time again for me to make my annual visit 331 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,400 to the celebrity inmates. 332 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:37,000 Well, I can tell you that the public have been voting for the past year. 333 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,920 The phone lines are now closed. 334 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,600 Your votes have been counted and verified, 335 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:48,040 and we can now reveal that the public have selected... 336 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,120 ..Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog... 337 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,680 Yes, we're out of here! 338 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,440 ..to go into solitary confinement. 339 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,560 Oh, no, you are joking. 340 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,600 Why couldn't that have been me? 341 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,760 We will see you all next year. Thank you. 342 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,600 Coming up, TV hard man Chris Ellison reaches breaking point 343 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,080 with the Chuckle Brothers. 344 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,680 THEY SNORE 345 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,720 - SLEEPTALKING: - To me... - To you... - To me... 346 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:21,440 And Christopher Biggins tries to break INTO Celebrity Slammer. 347 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:26,640 Let me in! I want to get back on TV! Please! 348 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,480 The lines are now open. 349 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:32,040 Remember, you choose who stays in Celebrity Slammer. 350 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,560 Simply text the celeb's name and the year you'd like them to leave. 351 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,640 For example, text "Eamonn 2025" 352 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:42,640 if you'd like Eamonn Holmes to be released in 2025. 353 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:46,960 Or text "Chucklelife" to give the Chuckle Brothers a life sentence. 354 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,200 We'll see you next time for more Celebrity Slammer. 355 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,680 KEYS RATTLE IN LOCK 356 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,120 - Oh! - Oh! 357 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,120 Morning, Sherlock. You're back early. 358 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,720 Watson, Mrs Hudson, what's going on? 359 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:11,800 - Your sister called. - I don't have a sister. - Oh. 360 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,280 Would you like a cup of tea, Sherlock? 361 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,840 You're trying to change the subject. 362 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,200 Something's going on, and if you won't tell me, 363 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,200 I shall figure it out myself. 364 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,840 By retreating into my mind palace. 365 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,160 Oh, not again, no. 366 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,200 Shh. 367 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,080 Both you and Mrs Hudson are out of breath, 368 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,040 but there's no evidence that either of you 369 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,520 has been partaking in any exercise. 370 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,720 Watson's flies are partially undone, 371 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:40,240 revealing beneath them his best pants - his pulling pants. 372 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:41,760 The pants he puts on for occasions 373 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,200 when lovemaking is a distinct possibility. 374 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,920 When I left this morning, 375 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,000 Mrs Hudson's cardigan had six buttons on it, 376 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,480 yet now there are none. 377 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,840 But six identical buttons lie strewn across the floor. 378 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,200 Presumably ripped from her. 379 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,960 My violin bow is hot to the touch. 380 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,960 As though it has recently been in contact with human flesh. 381 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,840 HE SNIFFS 382 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,680 Buttock flesh. 383 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,280 Then there's my deerstalker, my dear Watson. 384 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,400 On it, I see a single hair, a fine hair, 385 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,080 a lady's hair, the hair of a lady. 386 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:22,400 Mrs Hudson's hair. 387 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,520 I can only deduce that my signature headpiece 388 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:28,560 has been used as a prop in some sort of cruel, erotic role play. 389 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:34,200 And finally, despite the absence of toast, crumpet or a scone, 390 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:38,160 I note perched on the armchair an open tub of Utterly Butterly 391 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,120 with a fistful removed. 392 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,920 There can be only one explanation. 393 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:49,720 Watson, Mrs Hudson, how long have you been in flagrante delicto? 394 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,120 You what? 395 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,960 Humping. 396 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,800 How long has this been going on? 397 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,680 - This was the first time. - Five and a half years. 398 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,480 I'll...I'll put that back in the fridge, dear. 399 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:13,560 Cock blocker. 400 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:25,880 Hello, Bond. 401 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:28,720 Off to Moscow, I hear. 402 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,680 Yes, Q. 403 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:35,360 Now, this first gadget is standard issue for all 00 agents. 404 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,720 It's a My Little Pony lunchbox. 405 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:42,560 It's much more than that. 406 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,440 Simply pull on this handle, 407 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,920 and it releases a cloud of smoke, cloaking your escape. 408 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,680 But I'm going undercover in Russia. 409 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:54,400 What if the KGB spot me with a little girl's lunchbox? 410 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,920 Hence the smokescreen. 411 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,320 Gadget number two. 412 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,120 What does this look like to you? 413 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,840 A Hello Kitty watch. 414 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,560 Exactly. 415 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:11,280 One flick of the wrist and this releases a poison dart. 416 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:15,520 But won't a grown man wearing a Hello Kitty watch in a Russian gulag 417 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,000 attract unnecessary attention? 418 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,880 Well, you could always cover it 419 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,840 with a standard issue MI6 High School Musical sweatband. 420 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,760 Couldn't I just have a gun? 421 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:27,800 Far too predictable, James. 422 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,240 What they'll be looking for is a man with a gun. 423 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,920 What they won't to be looking for is a man... 424 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,440 with a Frozen backpack. 425 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,960 Simply pull on Princess Anna's pigtail 426 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,200 and this emits a laser beam strong enough to cut through steel. 427 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,560 It's also got a pouch inside for your juice. 428 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,920 But couldn't the laser be put in a gold cigarette case? 429 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,600 Too obvious. 430 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,880 Finally, this is a gadget we've been cooking up 431 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:51,360 in the lab for sometime now. 432 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:55,640 What appears to be 433 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,600 a standard, everyday Sylvanian Families cosy cottage 434 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,520 is actually a miniature tracking device. 435 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,040 All you need to do is surreptitiously attach this 436 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:06,400 to the bonnet of an enemy operative's vehicle, 437 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:09,720 and our satellites can track it to within a one-metre radius. 438 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,000 Won't they spot it on the bonnet? 439 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,280 It's considerably smaller than 006's Barbie Malibu dream house. 440 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:21,800 Listen, Q, I don't think you get it. 441 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,440 I'm James Bond. 442 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,120 I'm an MI6 agent. 443 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,800 I can't be seen with gadgets emblazoned 444 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,360 with Hello Kitty and My Little Pony and Sylvanian Families. 445 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,720 I'm sorry, Bond. 446 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,080 I want Octonauts! 447 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:48,840 Welcome to a special edition of middle-class Jeremy Kyle 448 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,960 called World's Worst Parents. 449 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:57,280 Our guest is an innocent young child whose life has been torn apart. 450 00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:01,160 Please welcome to the show Gideon Scott-Rees. 451 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,520 So, Gideon, tell us your heartbreaking story, 452 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,640 and if you could cry, we'd love it. 453 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,120 Um, well, every year since I was a toddler, 454 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:21,280 Mummy and Daddy have taken me on holiday to Val d'Isere. 455 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,000 Only this year... 456 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,440 they've said that they want to go on their own. 457 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:30,600 And how old are you, little fella? 458 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,560 28. 459 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,600 Just 28 years old. 460 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,040 I think it's high time we met these repulsive parents of yours. 461 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,800 Let's bring the bastards out! 462 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,240 - Hello, darling. - How do you do? 463 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,280 BOOING 464 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:50,360 This poor boy's life is in tatters because of your selfish behaviour. 465 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:51,800 Shame on you. 466 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,720 Come on, Gideon, what do you want to say to this pair of turds? 467 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,960 Mummy, Daddy, ever since you told me that I'm not coming to Valley, 468 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,240 I've been in a terrible funk. 469 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:04,800 Last night I was so upset 470 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,720 I couldn't even go to Cressida's birthday party at Boujis. 471 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:10,800 So let's get this straight. 472 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,840 You take your only child skiing every year 473 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,640 but the moment he hits 28, 474 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,600 you say, "Sorry, mate, we're going on our own." 475 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:23,080 So come on, what have you got to say for yourselves? 476 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:25,120 - Well, this year... - Shut up! 477 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,120 Speak up! We'd all like an explanation. 478 00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:31,640 Well, this year, we just... 479 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,800 Shut your face! 480 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,440 Well, come on, then. 481 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:38,360 Let's hear your side of the story. 482 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,400 We sat Gideon down... 483 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,120 Will you let me get a word in edgeways? 484 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,760 - I'm trying to explain. - Don't make a lunge at me, love, 485 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,520 or I'll get Steve here to wrestle you to the ground. 486 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:53,280 Thank you, Steve, you're a life-saver. 487 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,160 Well... 488 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:56,760 Papa... 489 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,760 you've been very quiet. 490 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,920 What have you got to say for yourself? 491 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,560 Why aren't you taking your son on a skiing holiday? 492 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:07,200 Well, when he does come, he doesn't actually ski, anyway. 493 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,400 I apres-ski. 494 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,960 That's just drinking and going to nightclubs. 495 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,440 Yes, and I'm a very good apres-skier. 496 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,360 I could be an instructor. 497 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,440 I don't think it's that Mummy and Daddy 498 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,200 want to spend time with each other. 499 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:23,960 I think the real reason... 500 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,600 is that they find me irritating. 501 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,600 We love you very much, Gideon! 502 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:32,400 We just want to wake up in the morning in bed 503 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,400 without you for once. 504 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:38,280 You know I get nightmares when I eat too much fondue. 505 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,440 Well, before the show, 506 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:48,040 we sent Monty and Beatrice here to take a lie detector test, 507 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,160 and the results are in. 508 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:54,280 We asked them, "Do you find your son Gideon irritating?" 509 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,840 They both answered, "No." 510 00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,800 The lie detector said... 511 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,040 TENSE MUSIC 512 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:08,640 ..they were lying. 513 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:14,480 We only find you mildly irritating. 514 00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:18,840 HE SOBS 515 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,720 Mummy... 516 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,560 What are you crying for, you pathetic loser?! 517 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:28,200 You're 28 years old! 518 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:31,400 Now, come on! 519 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:33,840 Man up! 520 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:38,240 What are you going to...? Don't laugh! 521 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:42,080 What are you going to say to these shit heads? 522 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,960 Mummy, Daddy, I don't care! 523 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:47,560 Go on your stupid holiday. 524 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,280 I hope you both drink too much vin chaud at lunchtime 525 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,960 and die on a black run. 526 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,440 Well, you may be interested to know, Gideon, 527 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,680 that when we did the lie detector test, 528 00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:01,880 we also did a DNA test, and the results are in. 529 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,280 This man is not your real father. 530 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:05,440 Mummy?! 531 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:07,200 Well, that's all we have time today. 532 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:09,320 - Have a great weekend. - It was just a moment of madness! 533 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,600 - Goodbye! - I always knew it was Malcolm. 534 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,320 I'm so sorry... 535 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,560 I hope you both drink too much too much vin chaud on a black run and... 536 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,600 - I can't even say...! - Get your line right! 537 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,880 Get off me! Steve, stop him! 538 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:27,640 Steve, get him. Get him, Steve. 539 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,480 I'm trying to help you. Sit down. I'm going to help you. 540 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:34,680 God. Sit down. 541 00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:37,000 Stop showing off in front of your mother. 542 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:40,760 Shall we go from the slap again? 543 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,520 No! No! 544 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,840 I think, yes, I think we might have got the slap.