1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,720 Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC. 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,080 The corporation has been put under a lot of pressure 3 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,160 to reveal what it pays its top earners. 4 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:10,840 So, for the first time, I will reveal the list. 5 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,520 Mary Berry's fee is one crate of Jack Daniel's 6 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,720 and front row tickets for Megadeth. LAUGHTER 7 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:19,160 Jeremy Clarkson only requested one thing - 8 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,920 a hot dinner. 9 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:22,360 And if it isn't hot, 10 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:24,840 he also requests an ice bucket for his fists. 11 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:28,800 Every series, the Hairy Bikers receive a pint of real ale 12 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,080 and a packet of pork scratchings... 13 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:33,840 to share. And they seem happy enough. 14 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:38,360 Aled Jones is not actually paid at all for presenting Songs Of Praise, 15 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:39,920 but he IS allowed to take home 16 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:43,040 as much lead from the church roof as he can carry. 17 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:47,240 Sir David Attenborough's payment is a VIP booth at Stringfellows, 18 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:50,680 where he can observe birds in all their glory. 19 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,680 So-called comedian David Walliams is paid 20 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,680 with an annual trolley dash around Dorothy Perkins. 21 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:59,920 But the biggest earner at the BBC is Simon Cowell, 22 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:03,800 who we pay £10 million every year to stay on ITV. 23 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,880 Enjoy the show. LAUGHTER 24 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,480 TV SHOW THEME TUNE 25 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:39,040 One has always wanted to know more about one's family tree, 26 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:43,600 which is why one decided to appear on this televisual programme. 27 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,200 LAUGHTER 28 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:52,520 - So, Your Majesty, I've been working through your family records. - Yes. 29 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,760 And I found an entry here for your great-great-grandmother. 30 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:57,600 What was HER name? 31 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,880 LAUGHTER 32 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:03,280 - Queen Victoria. - And what did she do? 33 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,640 - LAUGHTER She was the Queen. - You're joking! 34 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:12,040 - No. - Who'd have thought it? Little old one related to royalty. 35 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:15,760 - Yes, Your Majesty. - And when was this Queen Victoria the queen? 36 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:20,240 She was the ruler of Great Britain and Ireland from 1837 to 1901. 37 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,320 So, in Victorian times. 38 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:23,960 LAUGHTER 39 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:27,400 Yes, Queen Victoria - hence the word "Victorian". 40 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,960 Ah, one learns something new every day. 41 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,240 And was she named after the pub in EastEnders? 42 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,680 LAUGHTER 43 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:38,720 - Records suggest it was the other way around. - Ah, one sees. 44 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:42,240 And she was married to your great-great-grandfather. 45 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,200 And what was HIS name? 46 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:48,760 - Prince Albert. - Was he named after the gentleman's piercing? 47 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,240 LAUGHTER 48 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,040 - Again, records suggest it was the other way around. - Jolly interesting. 49 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:59,040 And their grandson was your grandfather, King George V. 50 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:00,920 And what did HE do? 51 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:05,040 - He was the King. - Another one? You're having a laugh! 52 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,520 Goodness me. One's in danger of getting rather bigheaded. 53 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,280 One's family tree seems to be chockablock with kings and queens. 54 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:17,000 Yes. And he had two sons, the younger of whom was King George VI. 55 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,600 Shove off! From the King's Speech? 56 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,720 LAUGHTER 57 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:23,440 - That's correct. Your father. - My father's Colin Firth? 58 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,360 LAUGHTER 59 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:29,320 No, Colin Firth played your father in the film. 60 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:33,160 - So, one isn't related to Colin Firth. - No! - That's a shame. 61 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:36,000 I would have rather liked to have had famous blood in the family. 62 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,720 LAUGHTER 63 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:46,000 One's really very glad one did Who Does One Think One Is? 64 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,640 This morning, one thought one was just an ordinary OAP 65 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:52,040 who liked a flutter on the gee-gees and a gin and Dubonnet. 66 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:55,640 I was always curious as to why everyone bowed and curtsied to one 67 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,720 and how one could afford to live in such an enormous house, 68 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,160 and now one knows. 69 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,760 Now, if you'll excuse me, 70 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,000 one has to go to the balcony and wave at the people. 71 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,560 One doesn't really know why, but they seem to like it. 72 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,880 LAUGHTER 73 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,760 We're not storming out, we're walking purposefully, 74 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,160 so no-one from the BBC has to resign. 75 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,640 LAUGHTER 76 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,240 Do you want longer lashes? 77 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:25,960 No. 78 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,320 Are you looking for that supermodel style? 79 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,720 Er, I'm all right, thanks. 80 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:37,440 Do you want guys to be dazzled by your sparkling eyes? 81 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,000 I think there's been a bit of a mix-up. 82 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,440 Do you want a mascara that's going to make you feel 83 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,800 like the hottest girl in the club? 84 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,520 I've come to mend a photocopier. 85 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:52,720 Then look no further than Lash Sensation from Coverstar. 86 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,360 LAUGHTER 87 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,600 I feel like a bit of a pillock, to be honest. 88 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,560 LAUGHTER 89 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:05,880 James has prepared roasted cod, 90 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,600 served with a tomato and olive salsa. 91 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,280 AS JOHN TORODE: It's light, it's fresh. 92 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:20,120 - The balance of the flavours is exquisite. - Wow, thank you. 93 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,280 Very well done. Gregg? 94 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,280 Gregg? 95 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,160 - AS GREGG WALLACE: - I ain't eating that! 96 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,040 LAUGHTER 97 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,520 - Why not? - I don't like fish. 98 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,360 You had fish last night. 99 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,120 Yeah, fish and chips. 100 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,040 - This is the same fish. - No, it's not. 101 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,400 It's got no batter on it. It looks like a fish! 102 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,240 LAUGHTER 103 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,240 Just try some of the tomato salsa. 104 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:47,920 - I'm allergic to tomatoes. - Are you? 105 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,960 Yeah, I've got a note from my mum. 106 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,480 LAUGHTER 107 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,600 - You had tomato ketchup on your chips last night. - Well, that's different. 108 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:58,680 - That's from a bottle. - Well, at least have an olive and we can move on. 109 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:02,120 - No. - Why not? - I don't like olives! 110 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,600 - Have you ever had one? - No. 111 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,920 Well, then how do you know you don't like them? 112 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,040 Well, look, they're green! 113 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,720 Just eat it. 114 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,280 Disgusting. 115 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:17,920 LAUGHTER 116 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,480 It's in your hand. 117 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,440 Eat it. 118 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:29,280 HE GAGS 119 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,640 LAUGHTER 120 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,880 Good boy for trying. 121 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:40,920 Matt has prepared a mango and duck curry with coconut and saffron rice. 122 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:46,040 LAUGHTER 123 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,160 - What's the matter now? - It's foreign! 124 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,720 LAUGHTER 125 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,680 You eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. Where do you think that's from? 126 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,600 Croydon! 127 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:59,320 Look, the nice man's spent a long time cooking this for you, 128 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:01,360 - didn't you? - Yes. 129 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:03,520 So, why don't you show him what a brave boy you are 130 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,320 and have a spoonful? 131 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:06,760 Come on. 132 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,720 Here comes the choo-choo train. 133 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,560 Choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo. 134 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,320 LAUGHTER 135 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,240 - Did you swallow it? - Mm-mmm. 136 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,720 LAUGHTER 137 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:29,080 - Do you feel that the duck and the mango complement each other? - Mm-mmm. 138 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,880 LAUGHTER 139 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,440 JOHN SIGHS 140 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,600 - AUDIENCE: - Urgh! 141 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:42,440 Carla has baked a red velvet chocolate cake 142 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,840 with mascarpone icing. 143 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,920 LAUGHTER 144 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,480 APPLAUSE 145 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,280 This is exquisite. 146 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,680 It's rich, it's nuanced. 147 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,800 - And it's got chocolate in it! - LAUGHTER 148 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,760 - He likes chocolate. - She should win. It's got chocolate in it. 149 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,960 Well, don't say that now. Keep the audience guessing. 150 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,800 Oh, yeah, but she should win. Well done, love, you've won. 151 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,720 LAUGHTER 152 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:18,680 Carla, tell us, how did you keep the cake so moist? 153 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,400 Well, the secret really is in the beetroot. 154 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,600 LAUGHTER 155 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,080 - The what?! - I put beetroot in it. 156 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,320 Why did you put beetroot in a chocolate cake, you weirdo? 157 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,400 You liked it a minute ago! 158 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,200 Yeah, but I didn't know it had stupid beetroot in it! 159 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,040 Well, thank you, Carla. Thank you, contestants. 160 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,000 You've given us a lot to think about. 161 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,360 Like why would you put beetroot in a chocolate cake? 162 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,960 We're going to go away now and pick our favourite dishes. 163 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,080 - It's going to be tough. - Because they're all disgusting. 164 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,400 And when we come back, we'll announce the winner. 165 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,920 - Can we go to McDonald's to decide the winner? - Yes, OK. 166 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:00,080 I want a double cheeseburger but don't I want no gherkins. 167 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:03,400 - I'll take them out for you. - Oh, thanks, Uncle John. - Come on. 168 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,360 LAUGHTER 169 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,320 Ah... 170 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:18,840 - Good morning. - Good afternoon. - Is it that already? - May we join you? 171 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,680 - That's very kind of you. - Do I know you? - No. 172 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,800 Just admiring a pretty young girl. 173 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:29,480 - I wouldn't say I was young! - Oh, but you can't be more than 25. 174 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,880 Don't insult the lady, Maurice! 175 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,320 She's 24, if she's a day. 176 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,560 - I wish I WAS 24. - 21. - 20. 177 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:41,480 - 19. - 81. I mean 18. 178 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,680 I've just turned 72! 179 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:46,080 - I don't believe it! - I WON'T believe it! 180 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,600 - I SHAN'T believe it! - I REFUSE to believe it, 181 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,720 even 50 years hence from now. 182 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,160 If any man dared to say you looked 72, 183 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,000 I should pop him over my knee, 184 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,320 pull down his panties and spank his bare bottom. 185 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,440 She looks 72. 186 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,840 LAUGHTER 187 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:08,720 - Nice to have met you both. - Yes, of course, and here's my card. 188 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:13,840 - Do keep in touch. - My number is here on the back, in Biro. 189 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,800 What for? 190 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:19,040 - TOGETHER: - An afternoon of delights. - Just the three of us. 191 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,000 And a digital camera. 192 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,080 - LAUGHTER - There's another one. 193 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,560 - Do excuse us. - Madam. 194 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:35,000 - Good morning. - Good afternoon. - Is it that already? 195 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,440 LAUGHTER 196 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,240 Opera boyband Il Prima Donnas return 197 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,800 with their brand-new album, 198 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,760 The Ultimate Jingle Collection. 199 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:48,840 Let Il Prima Donnas transport you to a magical land, 200 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:52,440 with their unique take on PC World. 201 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:56,640 # Where in the world? 202 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,840 LAUGHTER 203 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:07,560 - ALL: - # PC World... # - LAUGHTER 204 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,480 Tears will well in your eyes 205 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,280 when you hear Il Prima Donnas perform 206 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,640 that song off the Flake advert. 207 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:21,240 # Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate 208 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:27,320 # Tastes like chocolate never tasted 209 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:31,720 # Before... # 210 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:35,840 You'll be captivated by Il Prima Donnas' rendition 211 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,360 of this timeless classic. 212 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:42,000 # Do the Shake n' Vac And put the freshness back 213 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,560 # Do the Shake n' Vac And put the freshness back... # 214 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,720 Marvel at Il Prima Donnas' breathtaking performance 215 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,200 of this much-loved song. 216 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,880 - # If you like a lot of chocolate - Ah 217 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,760 # Join our club... # 218 00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:00,240 Il Prima Donnas, The Ultimate Jingle Collection. 219 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,560 Includes 45 tracks, 220 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:06,400 giving you almost six minutes of musical enjoyment. 221 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,760 # Washing machines live longer with Calgon... # 222 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,440 LAUGHTER 223 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,800 BACKGROUND CHATTER 224 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:22,920 - Give me the nutronium crystals. - Over my dead body. 225 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:30,840 - OK, cut. Excuse me. - What, me? - Yeah. 226 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:34,400 - Sorry, you just looked straight into the camera. - I don't think I did. 227 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,960 You did. 228 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,720 OK, so just drinks down. Whatever you do, don't look into the camera. 229 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,400 - Got it. - OK, let's try again. 230 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:47,360 - Give me the nutronium crystals. - Over my dead body. 231 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:52,280 - Would you like any space nuts or space pork scratchings? - Cut! 232 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,560 - I didn't look into the camera. - You just made up some lines. 233 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:59,640 - What, they're not in the script? - No, you're an extra. 234 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,520 - Extras don't have lines. - Got it. 235 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,400 OK, let's go for another take. 236 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,120 Oh, I just think it's odd that I come in, 237 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,160 put down the drinks and don't say anything. 238 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,760 - I mean, the scene is about this space waiter. - No, no, it isn't. 239 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,560 Well, it IS, and everyone will be thinking 240 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,040 what kind of space waiter is he? 241 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,080 Is he a good space waiter, a bad space waiter...? 242 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,880 - I don't think anyone's going to be thinking that. - My mum will. 243 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,120 Most of our audience will be focussed 244 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,120 - on our lead characters here. - What, these guys? 245 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,720 Can we swap him with someone else? 246 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:32,200 - Put him behind the bar where he's out of the way. - Oh, promoted! 247 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:38,520 So, is it my own space bar or do I lease it from a space brewery? 248 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,000 None of that is important. You're just standing there. 249 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:45,040 - Holding my space nuts? - No! You're just standing there, doing nothing. 250 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:49,320 - So, when do I look into the camera? - You never look into the camera! 251 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,040 Ready. 252 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:57,840 - Action. - Give me the nutronium... - Time, please, gentlemen and aliens. 253 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,720 - Drink up. Thank you very much. - Cut! Get him out of here! 254 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,280 Great working with you all. See you at the premiere. 255 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,960 OK, has he gone? 256 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,480 Good. Places, everyone. 257 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:13,120 - Action. - Give me the nutronium crystals. 258 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,640 Over my dead body. 259 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,960 So be it, Cando Barra. 260 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,400 Argh. 261 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,800 Space doctor coming through. 262 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,640 He's dead! 263 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,480 The end. 264 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,160 Cut! 265 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,520 Nailed it. 266 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:35,040 BAFTA, BAFTA, BAFTA. LAUGHTER 267 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,200 INDISTINCT MUMBLING 268 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,200 Excuse me. 269 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:45,240 - Good afternoon. - Good evening. - Is it that already? 270 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,800 Remarkable, the beautiful young girls 271 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,280 you get in the audience for Pointless. 272 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:56,040 - Have we met before? - No! We're meeting right now. 273 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,640 I know a gentleman should never ask a lady her age, 274 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,160 - but you can't be more than... - 35? 275 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,400 Gerald, don't be so impertinent! 276 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:07,160 It's quite clear this young lady is barely in her 20s. 277 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,080 - Actually... - No, don't tell us! We'll guess. 278 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:13,720 - We're good at this. 22. - 21. 279 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,920 - 20. - 19. 280 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,280 81. I mean, 18. LAUGHTER 281 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,440 - I'm 65. - I don't believe it! 282 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,960 - I REFUSE to believe it! - I SHAN'T believe it. 283 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,080 I will never believe it, not even until my dying breath. 284 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,640 And beyond. LAUGHTER 285 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:34,120 If any man dared to say you look 65, 286 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:37,720 I should drag him down to my cellar, handcuff him to the radiator, 287 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,520 pull down his trousers, pull down MY trousers... 288 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,880 - LAUGHTER - ..and thrash him with my belt. 289 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,760 - She looks 65. - Oh. 290 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:49,920 LAUGHTER 291 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:54,760 If the sight of Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman in action 292 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:58,240 has got you in the mood then, by chance, 293 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,440 we've booked a junior suite at a nearby hotel. 294 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:05,680 - A Premier Inn. - Just five minutes' walk away. 295 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:09,200 Or even quicker on your mobility scooter. 296 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:13,520 Room 014. It's ground floor, so no stairs. 297 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,560 And it has a bidet. LAUGHTER 298 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,960 Sorry, what's this for? 299 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,240 - TOGETHER: - An evening of delights. - Just the three of us. 300 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,720 And a web camera. LAUGHTER 301 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,600 Ding-dong! 302 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,120 LAUGHTER Woof-woof! 303 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,200 Excuse us, madam. 304 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,080 - Good afternoon. - Good evening. 305 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,360 - Is it that already? - LAUGHTER 306 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:44,640 At Bet-tastic.com, we've got all the online slot machines you love. 307 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,920 Gamble on your phone or tablet, 308 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:50,280 playing games like Double Dosh, 309 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,760 Lucky Streak, Money Pit, 310 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:56,040 Fruity Violence, Leprechaun Footjob, 311 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,520 Arty Farty and Asthma Unicorn. 312 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,640 I like to play in the evenings. 313 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,560 I like to play during the day. 314 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,160 I like to play 24 hours a day. 315 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,800 New slots include... 316 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,000 I won £5! 317 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,160 I won £10! 318 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,960 LAUGHTER 319 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:32,760 - I lost my house. 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Are you drunk enough to play? 322 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,120 LAUGHTER 323 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,880 Tonight, on Arts Wipe, 324 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,000 we look back at the work 325 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:09,360 of the often emulated comedian Harry Enfield. 326 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,720 'Am I the greatest comic actor of all time?' 327 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:15,040 - I didn't ask you that question. - It's not really for me to say, 328 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,160 but I'm probably up there in the top one or two. 329 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,560 Or one. 330 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,680 Did I ever think my characters and catchphrases would be quoted 331 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,920 in every school, street and factory floor in the country? 332 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:28,480 - I didn't ask you that either. - Yes, I think I probably did, yeah. 333 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,760 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What makes me so much better than everyone else? 334 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,120 - Didn't ask you that. - My editing. 335 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,160 Every sketch that we recorded 336 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,280 that wasn't up to my extremely high standard, 337 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,600 I took the tapes and I hurled them in the skip 338 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,360 at the back of the BBC. 339 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,080 Never to be seen again. 340 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:45,600 LAUGHTER 341 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:49,480 So, is there any way I could get a temporary extension to my overdraft? 342 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,200 LAUGHTER 343 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,760 Typewriter says no! 344 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,920 LAUGHTER SHE COUGHS 345 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,880 Let me get one thing straight. I wasn't even a comedian back then. 346 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,960 And in all my years as a BBC skip removal man, 347 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,080 I never even saw those tapes. LAUGHTER 348 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,000 I sat down to watch this new comedy show. 349 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,760 I think it was called The Bald Man And The Unfunny One. 350 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,800 - Little Britain. - The same thing. And I couldn't believe my eyes. 351 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,600 The vile little vermin had been through my skip. 352 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,120 - FALSETTO: - I'm a transvestite. 353 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,240 - IN DEEP VOICE: - A man dressed as woman. 354 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,040 LAUGHTER 355 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:37,080 I mean, is he seriously suggesting that I bought a small stepladder, 356 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,120 climbed into a skip, 357 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,200 retrieved some rejected tapes, 358 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,160 took them home, watched them, 359 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,880 copied down all the lines and then passed them off as our own? 360 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,520 I mean, I have no idea what the man's talking about! 361 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,160 Anyway, I would never copy Harry Enfield, 362 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:56,160 because I actually find a lot of his comedy very distasteful. 363 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:59,840 Now, today's sketch is getting you a new wheelchair. 364 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:01,880 I require that one! 365 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,560 But you always said it was wrong 366 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,160 to do sketches of people in wheelchairs. 367 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,480 You said there was a strong possibility 368 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:12,600 that even touching on disability could cause offence. 369 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:16,400 Yeah, I know. But it's OK cos I don't actually need a wheelchair. 370 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:19,000 Oh, that's all right then. Super. 371 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,560 LAUGHTER 372 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,680 - Didn't see a thing. - LAUGHTER 373 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,600 The main thing about this Walliams or Wall-iams - I don't know - 374 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,920 is his career's taken such a nosedive, 375 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,800 he's ended up as a judge on a TV talent show. 376 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,200 Thank God he's not making sketch shows any more. 377 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,800 LAUGHTER 378 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,360 What, he IS? Guest stars? 379 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:42,640 God! Who'd be desperate enough to do that?! 380 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,440 LAUGHTER 381 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,720 - NERVOUSLY: - Here, at Home Fix-it, 382 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,680 we, the staff, want to tell you 383 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,080 - all about our mega sale. - LAUGHTER 384 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:58,120 Tile adhesive down to £3.99. 385 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,920 Hinges half price. 386 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,880 IN GRANDIOSE VOICE: Linoleum...flooring... 387 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:11,160 just £19.99... 388 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:12,880 LAUGHTER 389 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,320 ..per roll. LAUGHTER 390 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:19,000 Screws, £1.99 a box. 391 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,600 20% off all radiator paint. 392 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:29,760 White...spirit. 393 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,760 99 pence...per litre. 394 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,200 Bottoms up. 395 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,760 LAUGHTER 396 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,480 Prices down on everything. All trowels £1 off. 397 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:43,600 LAUGHTER 398 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,240 This sale is madness! 399 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,400 It cannot last! 400 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,360 Buy this beautiful mop, 401 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:56,880 get this exquisite bucket absolutely free. 402 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,920 Free! 403 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,360 Freeeee! LAUGHTER 404 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:08,960 - ALL: - All this weekend at Home Fix-it. 405 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,880 And bow. 406 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,840 And exit. 407 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,160 And solo bow. 408 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,080 LAUGHTER 409 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,960 LAUGHTER 410 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:32,040 Ooh, we're finally here. 411 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,240 We were looking for a parking space for the past hour. 412 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:38,800 You'll have to forgive my wife. She's prone to mild exaggeration. 413 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:42,040 It wasn't an hour, it was a mere 58 minutes. 414 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,080 Nice to meet you both. 415 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,760 Well, I'm so glad we bought Barbara a bottle of champagne. 416 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:48,720 Looks like everyone else had the same idea. 417 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,360 She's already got a dozen bottles. 418 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:53,400 11 bottles. I did warn you about the mild exaggeration. 419 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,400 So, do you know the birthday girl well? 420 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:59,400 Oh, yes, I've known Barbara for ten years. 421 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,280 - Nine years, ten months. - I'm glad there's some food. 422 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,320 I haven't eaten a thing since breakfast. 423 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,000 She sucked on a toffee in the car on the way here! 424 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,240 Talk abut laying it on with a tiny trowel. 425 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,040 LAUGHTER 426 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,200 - So, what do you do? - Me and Ken own Yappers, 427 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,240 which is the biggest dog grooming parlour in Basingstoke. 428 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,800 Biggest in terms of size, 429 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,600 second biggest in terms of dogs through the door. 430 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:27,000 Once again, my dear wife is exaggerating - albeit mildly. 431 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,040 We're very lucky. We live five minutes' walk away from work. 432 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:33,000 Five minutes' jog, seven minutes' walk. 433 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,600 But I'm very interested to know how YOU know Barbara. 434 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:40,200 She's overegging it. She's not very interested, she's mildly curious. 435 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,520 - Barbara and I met at Pilates. - Oh, I love Pilates! 436 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,640 - I do it every single week. - She missed a class on 12th March. 437 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,280 Me and Barbara are actually going on holiday next week 438 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,320 - to celebrate her birthday. - Oh, lovely. Where are you going? 439 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,800 Skopelos, where they made Mamma Mia! 440 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,160 Oh, me and Ken went there for a fortnight. 441 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,600 The sun shone every day, there was a lovely variety of food to eat, 442 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,840 the local people were so friendly. 443 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:05,760 Me and Ken had a very romantic time. 444 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,440 It was 13 nights, it rained on the first day, 445 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:13,920 the lovely variety of food was meat souvlaki, fish souvlaki, 446 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:15,920 one of the locals was slightly grumpy 447 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,480 and, as for the romance, 448 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:23,080 we only did it once and we had to abandon the attempt halfway through. 449 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:27,240 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 450 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,440 LAUGHTER 451 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:38,080 Well, er, it was nice to meet you both, but I really should mingle. 452 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:39,560 Good idea. You run away. 453 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:44,160 - The wife witters on so, you'll be here till dawn. - Till dawn?! 454 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:48,280 How dare you! Ken, stop exaggerating! 455 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:52,000 - I've told you 100 times! - 98 times. 456 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 457 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,960 AS JEREMY KYLE: Welcome to middle-class Jeremy Kyle. 458 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:05,480 Today, we're going to meet a man with the neighbour from hell. 459 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:08,520 Please welcome to the show Humphrey Horton-Jones. 460 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,680 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 461 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:17,480 So, Humphrey, tell us your tragic tale. 462 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:21,000 Well, my neighbour, Cassandra, hasn't cut her hedge recently 463 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,560 and it's casting a shadow on my conservatory. 464 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,560 LAUGHTER 465 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,200 That is absolutely despicable. 466 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,840 Let's bring out the selfish cow. 467 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,920 Cassandra, get yourself out here. 468 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:36,080 - AUDIENCE: - Boo! 469 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,520 You deserve that, you piece of scum! 470 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,000 LAUGHTER 471 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:45,160 So, Cassandra, your hedge is way out of control. 472 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,880 - This man's life has been ruined. - Well, I wouldn't say ruined. 473 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,440 Shut up! 474 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,320 What are you going to do about it? 475 00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,280 Come on, speak up! 476 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,840 - Well, I've already... - Shut your face! 477 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,640 We've heard quite enough from you! 478 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:03,960 You know what? Of all the guests I've had on my show over the years, 479 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:07,240 you are the absolute worst. 480 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,560 What have you got to say for yourself? 481 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,560 The problem is the hedge is ten feet tall, 482 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:20,560 I'm short and I don't have a stepladder. 483 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,600 LAUGHTER 484 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:27,400 IN CHILDISH VOICE: "Hedge is ten feet tall, I'm short, 485 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,720 "and I don't have a stepladder." LAUGHTER 486 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,720 Very convenient! 487 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,280 Well, before the show today, 488 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:39,240 we sent Cassandra here for a lie detector test 489 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,560 and the results are in. 490 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:45,440 We asked her, "Do you own a stepladder?" 491 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,600 Cassandra answered, "No." 492 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,880 And the lie detector said... 493 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,680 LAUGHTER 494 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:01,760 She was lying. 495 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,520 LAUGHTER 496 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,400 I did say that. 497 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,200 I'm sorry, I lied about the stepladder. 498 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,440 I have low blood pressure. I get dizzy spells. 499 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,480 I was worried I was going to fall off. 500 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,080 You know what, Cassandra? 501 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:20,760 I think we're all sick to the back teeth of your lies and deceit. 502 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:24,040 I mean, is your name even Cassandra? 503 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:26,560 Do you actually own a hedge? 504 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:28,920 - She does. - Yes, I do! 505 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,480 Hey, don't get a aggressive with me! LAUGHTER 506 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,720 Steve here will put you in a headlock, OK. 507 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,640 Thank goodness you're here, Steve. 508 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,480 Why don't I pop round tomorrow and bring my shears? 509 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,920 If I can borrow your stepladder, we'll be done by lunchtime. 510 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,200 Thank you so much. I could lay on some tea and sandwiches. 511 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,000 That would be wonderful. 512 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:53,840 You need to damn well man up and not let this bully - 513 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:57,280 cos that is what she is, a bully - walk all over you! 514 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,880 And you need to cut your OWN hedge! 515 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,440 I don't care if you fall off that stepladder. 516 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:06,480 - In fact, I hope you do, do you understand me? - Yes. - Shut up! 517 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:10,880 The two of you, get off my show before I kick you both in the balls! 518 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:14,200 LAUGHTER 519 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,920 Have a great day, everybody! Bye-bye! 520 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,280 APPLAUSE